After a horrible eating weekend, I have decided to start over again. I refuse to give up this battle. I'm going to keep fighting tooth and nail to get this weight off. As you can see I have adjusted the Progress Bar to reflect my "new start".
I refuse to give up. I'm not going to let this past weekend stop me or bring me down. Each day is a new opportunity to take care of myself and to nurture myself in ways other than excess nutrition. This whole moving thing will not take me back to 2005 when I relapsed with 20lb extra afterwards. I'm not going back to 150.5 (my relapse weight) and I sure as heck won't go back anywhere near 180.0 when I started this journey.
I think geevee said it best, it is something that I need to be ever vigilant about. I need to focus on this, and I need to do it for me. I've decided to not pack one of my scales (the 0.5lb one, the one I started out with) and i will just take it with me in the car at the end.
I might have to do this forever, I might not. But I can't let life's stressors be an excuse for this continued self-destructive behavior. I can't and I won't. I deserve so much more.
Breakfast - 1 cup All Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk
AM Snack - 1 med. apple (not the best choice for a snack, I realize now)
Lunch - Big salad with:
2 cups red lettuce 1/2 cup raw cauliflower 1 celery stick 1 Boca "chicken" patty (160 calories) 2 TBSP Newman's own salad dressing (90 cals)
AND In a bowl together:
1 cup leftover steamed broccoli with 1 cup leftover sauteed onions/peppers/mushrooms (sauteed in olive oil)
AND 1 square of Lindt dark chocolate (85% cacao) (53 cals)
***DID I EAT TOO MUCH? I had the salad and I still felt hungry. I also find that I don't feel "complete" unless I have something to finish off the meal. I am feeling so frustrated. Why do I have to eat so much to feel full?
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 13.5 lbs to go!
It seems as though yesterday has carried over to today. However, for the first time, I took a bite of my All Bran cereal and said to myself, "This tastes like horse manure." Not that I've tasted manure before, but this tasted a lot like it smells. So what did I do? I proceeded to have another piece of pie. As if eating pie would solve any problems.
The kids are grating on my nerves this morning. I must remember to keep my feelings composed, as they don't deserve to receive the contempt I have for myself.
Breakfast - 1 piece of mixed berry pie, 1 cup of All Bran, 1 cup of light vanilla soy milk (I think I have probably tasted the last of both.)
Lunch - big salad w/ 2 carrots, 1/2 cup beans, 2 TBSP balamic vinegarette, 6 almonds (1/4oz), 1 med apple.
PM Snack - 1 cup fat free cottage cheese
Dinner - 1/2 spaghetti squash (yes, I ate one half of an entire squash, made with 1 TBSP Smart Balace Light & 1/4 cup parm cheese), 1 Boca burger on 1 whole grain bun, 1/2 cup asparagus, 1 cup sauteed onion/green pepper/mushroom mix.
Dessert - 1 square Lindt chocolate
... which proceeded to another binge. Not good.
Progress as of today: 1.4 lbs lost so far, only 10.6 lbs to go!
Are you feeling any better than you were yesterday?? Take care of yourself!
Oh boy, I can just tell that this is going to be one of those days where it will be hard to keep the eating under control. I woke up feeling all congested and tired. But I got up anyway to go to the gym. It was unusually crowded there today, so I only did my hour of cardio. But I was so bored and unmotivated. There were so many weekday people there, it felt like a Monday.
I am trying very hard to resist having a piece of peanut butter toast.
Pre-Workout snack - 1 med red apple
Breakfast - 1 cup All Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk, 1TBSP natural peanut butter (defintely a trigger food for me, so I need to be vigilant today)
AM Snack - 1 cheese stick, 1 grapefruit, 1/2 cup sugar snap peas
Lunch - high fiber tortilla w/ 1/2 cup chick peas, 1/2 cup salsa, 1/2oz moz cheese; 3/4 sweet potato; 3/4 cup frozen berries w/ 1/2oz walnuts
PM Snack - 2 pieces of peanut butter toast (2 bread, 2? TBSP of natural peanut butter)
It has not been a good eating day....
Dinner - 3 egg spinach and feta omlet, 1.5 pieces of "whole wheat" toast
This was eaten at a restaurant. When we came home, I proceeded to finish most of a giant Hersey bar, a bag of walnuts, a piece of pie... It was not a good eating day...
Progress as of today: 1.4 lbs lost so far, only 10.6 lbs to go!
I weighed in this morning and much to my chagrin, I have indeed gained a little weight. The "binge" weight is coming off and I seem to be maintaining. Still, it would have been so nice to step on that scale and see something like "133". But I said I would be truthful about my weigh ins. (Too easy to hide in denial, if you know what I mean.)
I suppose the bright side is that I also weighed in on my 0.5 scale and that showed that I lost weight (134.5 to 135.0 to 134.0 today). I definitely have issues with my 0.2 scale. I still keep my 0.5 scale because it's so much nicer to me. But it is insane to continue to weigh in on 2 scales. It's just a number, after all.
Today I made it to the gym. I felt bad because my friend, who I argued with yesterda at the gym, did not show up. I hope that's not because of me. Regardless of what people think of me, I do not want to discourage anyone from working out. But that's her decision. I really didn't feel like working out either. I'm on the treadmill, chanting to myself, "Don't like this, don't like this". But between the treadmill and the crosstrainer, got in 60 minutes (plus 10 minutes of cooldowns).
I worked my chest and back exercises. Learned a new technique for the back muscles - AMAZING. I am sure my muscles will be sore tomorrow. (This is actually a good thing for me.)
My sinus infection is almost gone. Now my son is getting it. If I went to the doctor every time I had a sinus infection, I might as well move into her office. I don't really do antibiotics. My body will eventually adapt to the antibiotics and then they will be ineffective. I'm just letting my body fight off something that it can fight off naturally (with the help of my good friends Mucinex and NyQuil).
Listen to me, I'm quite the chatter box today...
Breakfast - 1 cup high fiber cereal, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk
AM Snack - tried to resist having anything but ended up eating 2 smal dill pickles (jar says 0 calories; I don't believe that)
Lunch - high fiber tortilla w/ 1/2 cup black beans, 1/2 cup roasted vegetables & 1/2oz cheddar cheese; 1 grapefruit.
PM Snack - 1 cup fat free plain yogurt, 5 radishes, big bowl of air-popped popcorn (about 1/4 cup unpopped)
Dinner - about 1/2 of a large sweet potato (so I figure that's kind of like 1 small one), 1 Boca burger patty, 1/2 cup broccoli (steamed), 1/2 cup sugar snap peas (steamed)
Dessert - 1 square of Lindt dark chocolate 85% cacao (the healthy chocolate that has antioxidants in it) (55 cals), 1/2 oz almonds (90 cals) -- VERY SATISFYING
SECOND EDIT -- Sorry to keep barging in here. Kinda started to feel out of control with my PM Snack and I thought by posting here, I could nip it in the bud. I think I would like to start a habit of having air-popped popcorn as a snack on Fridays, as well as having a dessert on Friday as well. I had the yogurt and still felt "unsatisfied". Then I remembered that I had been wanting popcorn all week long.
THIRD EDIT -- Ran into my gym friend picking up the kids from school. She said that she wasn't mad at me, but didn't make it to the gym because her daughter had a leg cramp and asked to go home. So all is well there.
I made a MAJOR decision this afternoon. I have decided that I will not renew my gym membership for February, since I am moving. I was thinking of renewing the membership for Feb and going in very early for an hour of cardio for the 1.5 weeks that I'm still here (before we move). So I will be without a gym for the entire month of February. My husband said I will be "gym-sick" after 3 days and want to go back. But I don't think so because I will be busy moving and packing and driving. I can push my butt out the door and walk if I feel that I need the exercise that badly. Or be like "BorntoCry" and go running outside -- now that WOULD be desperate of me, to run outside in front of everyone.
I hope I will be able to maintain my weight without the gym.
Progress as of today: 1.4 lbs lost so far, only 10.6 lbs to go!
I hear you on the scale dilemma. I had one scale for 15 or so years and it wasn't broken, but I knew it wasn't going to last forever. I lucked out and found a digital one that weighed just about the same. I promptly sent the old one to Goodwill.
Have a good one!
So both of us have done our weight-lifting today - yay! I also hope my muscles are sore tomorrow. Otherwise I am never sure if I've really done enough.
I'm glad to hear all is okay with your gym buddy. I had a bit of a falling out with my best friend 1 year ago this March. It was really silly and we both acted childish. We didn't speak for over 3 months because we were either to stubborn or afraid that we would get hung up on if we reached out to one another.
I missed her so much, we have been friends for 14 yrs and we talk almost everyday. I realized how much a part of each others lives we had become because everything reminded me of some experience that we had shared together. We were there for each other through so many things, Long story short, my girlfriend and I decided that the next time we had a misunderstanding we would talk through it because we can't stand the thought of not having each other in one another's lives.
I'm glad your starting to feel better.
Ever get the feeling that the whole day is ruined before it even hardly starts? I was supposed to be at the gym bright and early this morning when they opened up. But with this sinus infection, I wake up feeling miserable and all I want to do is sleep some more. So now my whole day's schedule is delayed. We have less than a week now before we close on the house, so we NEED to pack. What is my husband doing? Upstairs playing on the computer, when he should be packing! What am I doing? Playing on the internet (here) and then I'm off to the gym. UGH!
Last night I had the ricotta cheese dessert, and I regretted having it. I should have had the chocolate w/ a few almonds instead. I think I would have been more satisfied with that. I weighed in this morning on my 0.5 scale and it said I was up 0.5 lb. It could be the cheese, but it's probably more due to monthly water bloat. I think I will pack away the scales today...
FIRST EDIT: Went to the gym and got into a big fight with my friend at the gym. Great. We're on the crosstrainers arguing. Great.
Breakfast - 1 cup high fiber cereal, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk (I'm such a creature of habit)
AM Snack - 1 grapefruit.
Lunch - high fiber tortilla w/ 1/2 cup black beans and 1/4cup roasted vegetables; radishes
PM Snack - 1 med yellow apple, 1/2 oz almonds, 1 cheese stick (80 cals)
Dinner - big salad w/ 1oz cheddar cheese & Italian dressing; 1 orange (eaten while preparing dinner --- a very nasty habit I have)
Second Edit: In spite of starting the day off on the wrong foot, it ended up being somewhat of a good day. I found the envelope with Girl Scout cookie money in it that I had misplaced. Spent 2-3 days looking for that thing (see previous entries about husband and I getting into arguement). It only contained $21 for my brother's cookie order, but the idea that the money was in the trash and that I'd have to pay for his cookies because of my forgetfulness was not a good feeling to have.
AND we packed up most of my husband's clothes, I packed up the coat closet as well. I think i will be able to get more packing done tomorrow with husband being at work.
I do not know if I will have dessert tonight. I would like to, because I do not think that the salad will hold me through the evening. And Husband is going to bed at 7p, because he has to wake up at 1a to go to work. So I tend to binge when I am left alone like that at night. Instead of going to bed, I stay up, watch TV and eat. I was hoping to hold off on dessert until tomorrow night (Friday), as I like to have something "special" on Friday nights.
Tomorrow will be my last weigh-in until after I unpack the scales. Today, I weighed in at 135.0 on my old scale (up 0.5) so I figure I am around 136.4 on my new scale. I didn't exactly want to report here that I have gained 2 lbs. But tomorrow I will weigh in and be truthful about it.
FINAL EDIT: Had 5 carrots and an apple. I was definitely hungry as I thought this snack was amazingly delicious.
Progress as of today: 2.6 lbs lost so far, only 9.4 lbs to go!
That's great that you are aiming for 60 min of cardio a day. I try to do the same, so far I've managed to keep it up. I just hope I can stick with it. I do love to exercise (yes, I'm strange, or so all my friends and family tell me!) but I just have to be consistant with it.
I just bought new cereal to try because I don't seem to be getting enough fibre. I hope its good, I'm terribly picky and like yourself a total creature of habit. Don't like to much change myself although your right thats what makes life fun and interesting. I try not to resist change to much, it just stresses me out more than the average person.
I read your bio and some of your diary entries, I would have to agree you are quite funny! I was having a good giggle with some of those entries. Thanks for the smiles, I love your sense of humour!!
Good luck with the move and the job search!
Thanks for your comment. I would love to join a gym, but they are just too expensive over here! The cheapest deal I found was still over $1000 a year, and that's a discounted rate. And they're only open until around 8 at night, whereas I finish work at 7, so on week nights I tend to go running from 8-9. My husband plays semi-professional basketball, so that's how he gets all his exercise indoors!
Still struggling with my sinus infection. My husband is home today so I am going to go through all of his clothing with him, to see what fits and what I can give away, and pack most of the stuff that he doesn't normally wear. I also have to get to packing all the stuff under the bathroom sink cabinets. I found damage to the base of the cabinet under the kitchen sink from detergent. That will have to get fixed before the house goes on the market, for sure.
I made it to the gym today. My goal has been to get in 1 hour of cardio a day. I did the usual crosstrainer for 45 min and then did a very challenging hill program on the treadmill for 15. Both had 5 minute cooldowns. Then did lower body weight training, using lighter resistance. My legs feel heavy, probably due to the sinus infection wiping me out.
I took a sneak peak on my scale (that measures to the 0.5lb, not the one that measures to the 0.2lb; yes I have two scales and yes, that's insane) to see if I was maintaining. It seems that I am, which has been my new goal until we move and get settled.
I found out that I do not get a corporate discount to the new gym through my husband's job. So once we move, if I join a gym, it will probably be much more expensive to do so. Right now I pay $25 a month with no intiation fee. Can't really get better than that. It is not worth it time/money wise to drive back up here and use the gym that I belong to now. So this will be a challenge.
One thing I need to do is to find a job, once we move and get settled. It seems as though life is one change after another. I do not deal well with change. But that's what keeps life exciting I suppose. I will reconcile the gym problem first, because finding the right job will take some time. I could forever use that as an excuse to eat and not workout (job hunting).
Breakfast - 1 cup all Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk
AM Snack - 1 apple
Lunch - high fiber tortilla w/ 1/2 cup chickpea & 1/4 salsa; sprinkle of cheddar cheese; 1 cup (?) of brussle sprouts.
PM Snack - 1 cup fat free cottage cheese, carrot sticks
Dinner - 1/2 acorn squash, 1 Boca veg. "chicken" patty, stewed tomatoes (w/peppers and onions), roasted vegetables (mushrooms, onion, red & green pepper), 1 deviled egg.
Dessert - don't know yet, but I will be having something tonight. Either a ricotta cheese dessert or 1 square of Lindt dark chocolate (85% cacao - 53 cals)
I will probably not update any more tonight, as my son has been a total butt today and therefore has lost his computer priviledges. Rather than tempt him, it's better to just shut the machine off.
Progress as of today: 2.6 lbs lost so far, only 9.4 lbs to go!
If you will notice, yesterday was the first day in a LONG TIME that I did not have anything for dessert after dinner! I was quite satisfied after dinner, and although I *wanted* to have dessert, I knew that I was not hungry. I really do feel much better about myself when I eat less.
Today my sinus infection seems to be worse than it was yesterday. How I detest waking up with that tight feeling in my chest (from all the mucus) and having my nose all stuffy. I took medicine before driving the kids to school but it does not seem to have helped any. I usually try not to take anything for these blasted sinus infections, but this morning I knew that I needed help.
This did not stop me from making it to the gym. I was going to do a high resistance, low ramp on the crosstrainer, but after 10 minutes, I decided to switch to an interval program on a med. high resistance. It was hard to breathe deeply with the cold I have, and I didn't want to be huffing and puffing as much. I did weight training for back and chest, crunches, and then I rode the bike for 15 minutes, thus satisfying my goal of 60 minutes of cardio a day. Ideally, I would like to do cardio in the morning and then some in the evening, but right now, exercising in the evening isn't practical nor feasible.
Breakfast - 1 cup All Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk
AM Snack - 1/2 oz walnuts
Lunch - big salad, including 1/2 cup chickpeas & Italian dressing, 1 med. yellow delicious apple
PM Snack - (HUGE! I know but I was hungry!) 1 cup of fat free cottage cheese; 1 grapefruit
Dinner - 1/6 Boboli whole wheat crust cheese pizza, 1/2 acorn squash (w/Smart Balance Light spread), 1 cup stewed tomatoes w/peppers & onion.
I don't know if I will have dessert tonight. I may, but won't have a chance to update until tomorrow, because my 8yr old son is about to take over the computer...
Progress as of today: 2.6 lbs lost so far, only 9.4 lbs to go!
Thanks for your comment. I took what you said and wiped down my closet with a bleach solution. I have also lined it with plastic. Being an environmentalist myself I had lots of plastic bags saved up so I just used those. Thanks for your advice!
You can believe that sugar (sucrose, dextrose, fructose, etc) actually TURNS into fat in your body. But I believe that is wrong. It doesn't turn into fat anymore than muscle TURNS to fat, or vice versa. It may adversely affect your triglycerides (fats), but this is what I believe:
<I>Sugar adds calories which if you eat more than you need, you will gain weight. Weight gain increases your risk of getting heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure or even some types of cancer. However, if you are underweight, sugar can add extra calories so that you can gain weight. If your body doesn't make enough insulin like a diabetic, then the sugar you eat increases the sugar in your blood to unhealthy levels.
The body breaks down sugar into the sugar you find in your blood (glucose). Unfortunately, there are no vitamins or minerals in sugar and so it is called an "empty" calorie. That is why it is the first food to be eliminated from a weight loss diet. By the way, it doesn't matter if the sugar is white or brown. The amount of molasses in brown sugar is so low it doesn't contribute enough of any vitamin or mineral to count on a food label.</I>
I'll believe a registered dietician's answer any day. Not that I don't think at least Oz knows his stuff--he probably does--good for him:-) Thanks!
I think we'd agree that excess calories are STORED as fat.
I'd like to see you research an actual quote from Dr Agatston's book that says "sugar turns to fat in the human body." Thanks!
I have decided to take a break from weighing in, and limit to weighing in once a week. I have also decided to change my approach slightly, focusing on portion control this week and recommitting myself to this project. I don't want to have this kind of relationship with food.
I am glad that today is a Gym Day.
Breakfast - 1 cup high fiber cereal, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk
AM Snack - 1 med. apple, 1 cheese stick (80 cals)
Lunch - high fiber tortilla w/ 1/2 cup black beans & 1oz skim moz. cheese and 1/4 cup salsa; 1 carrot.
PM Snack - 1 cup fat free plain yogurt
Dinner - I munched on a carrot stick and a pickle while preparing supper... Boca burger on 1 slice of double fiber bread, 6-8 brussel sprouts, 1/2 sweet potato. >>>I had second helpings on the sweet potato slices, which brought my serving up to about a half of a potato. I probably could have done better with that...
I found it very helpful for me to be busy during the day to help keep my eating in check. I had an errand to do this morning so I didn't sit around all morning doing email. Then I went grocery shopping right afterwards. So when I came home for lunch, I was ready, and not eating just because of the clock or out of nervous idleness...
Progress as of today: 2.6 lbs lost so far, only 9.4 lbs to go!
So as I finished my last entry, dh and I had an argument last night. This morning he calls me up from work to get in a few more digs. So I emailed him and told him not to call to speak to me again.
I woke up late, feeling totally congested in my chest and sinuses. I'm gassy and constipated, thanks to last night's cashew binge. So on top of feeling crappy, I also STINK. (It's probably a good thing that hubby is at work.) I have laundry to fold, laundry to do and a TON of packing left to do.
No more wallowing in self-pity. Today is a new day and I will get things accomplished today. (I just wish I didn't stink...)
*****************
Afternoon edition: Part of my problem, I realize, is that I eat too much. Eating too much - even of healthy foods - will still result in a weight gain. My sister in law is very very thin (and very active too). I have watched her eat when they are over to visit. She does not eat much at all.
For example, if we have pizza and salad, she will have a square of pizza while I too will have a slice of pizza but also a HUGE serving of salad (sans dressing) to fill me up (or at least satisfy me). If I want to lose "those last 10lb" and be able to maintain my goal weight, I am going to have to change how I eat as much as what I eat.
***************
Daily menu
Breakfast - 1 cup high fiber cereal, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk.
(3 cups of coffee... must get started on drinking some water!)
Lunch - open faced vegetarian sloppy joe (1/3 cup?), 1 cup (?) of raw cauliflower w/1 TBSP (level) bleu cheese dressing, 1/4 cup cooked spinach.
PM Snack - 1 grapefruit for dessert; 1/2 oz walnuts.
Dinner - Boca burger patty on 2 slices of high fiber bread, 1/2 sweet potato, brussel sprouts.
I did not do well for the remainder of the evening. I was upset at my husband and upset (angry) about an errand I have to do on Monday for my employer. I will be glad to end this business relationship soon. I finished off the cashews and the chocolate covered raisins. Not good....
Progress as of today: 2.6 lbs lost so far, only 9.4 lbs to go!
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate weekends? My daughter has a playdate here, and I haven't even showered from the gym yet. So in the middle of all this packing that I'm supposed to be doing, my daughter decides to invite someone over to play. I told her not to unpack any of her toys! I will be upset if there is more packing at the end of the playdate that there was at the beginning!
Oh, and then today at the gym, not only do I get a late start, not only is the TV station not the right one (because the substitute receptionist has no idea how to set the correct channels for a Saturday morning), but then some guy I've never seen before decides to start bench pressing on the only weight bench that accomodates the hamstring curl extention thingy. ARGH!!! Well, at least he was using proper form.
Breakfast - 1 cup high fiber cereal, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk, 1/2 oz walnuts.
AM Snack - 1 grapefruit, 1/2 slice thin crust pizza (a leftover)
Lunch - 4 carrots w/2TBSP bleu cheese dressin; Leftovers - spaghetti squash, cooked spinach, vegetarian sloppy joe (1/2 cup), 1/4 oz almonds
PM Snack - ***Trying very hard not to binge!! *** 1 med apple, 1/4 oz almonds, 7 cashews, 1tsp natural peanut butter, bowl of air-popped popcorn
Darn that PMS!!!!!
Dinner - Big salad w/1oz cheese, 1/2 slice double fiber toast with Smart Balance spred
Then my husband and I had a fight about some lost papers and an envelope that has some cash in it. So things did not go well for me after that...
I ate anywhere from 1 to 2 cups of cashews last night, with about 1/2 cup of chocolate covered raisins.
Well, it could have been worse, but this is not a good thing.
Progress as of today: 2.6 lbs lost so far, only 9.4 lbs to go!
I hope your day went better and smoothed out. Have a wonderful day today!
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Yay! No giving up!
borntocry on 01/29/2007:
It's already a good sign that your relapse weight was nowhere near your previous high weight. That is pretty impressive. I think you've got what it takes to get this under control. We may be at it for the rest of our lives but the results are worth it. We might not think so right now but we'll definitely think it after we've gained 50 lb. The time to act is now!
biscottibody59 on 01/29/2007:
I should count the (recognizable) times I've started over in the years I've kept this diary. At least 20--possibly 40 or 50? I don't know--all I know is there's no other way that I know of.
Trying to do this in the midst of moving/selling a house can't be easy--hang in there!