Yesterday, my therapist asked me if I had gained weight.
I had just come down from 126 to 123, after my latest binge.
I didn't think 3.5lb would show, but apparently I was wrong.
So now this is all I can think about, is that I must look fat, because why else would he say anything about it?
But I will ask for clarification at my next appointment, next Friday.
I feel sick. And sad. And tired.
Progress as of today: 21 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
Believe it or not, my weight was as high as 125.5 this week. The anxiety I'm experiencing has been just overwhelming. I continually feel on edge and like I cannot get enough air into my lungs.
It has been difficult to read many of diaries here that have lists of foods, since, in response to my anxiety, I have felt a strong urge to binge. And I have been FIGHTING that urge with every ounce of my strength.
I'm not sure what the solution is...
Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
donk, i hope you feel better soon. i am so sorry that you feel this way. i know what you mean about the food lists because sometimes reading diaries has done the same thing to me! i totally know what you mean.
maybe go walking in the evening a couple times a week with another mom in the area?
talk to us.
I fought a good fight tonight (Saturday). Actually, I started fighting binge urges (?) around 2p. Right after dinner was the hardest. I had an extra dish of frozen watermelon and then went upstairs, away from the kitchen.
This urge is anxiety-related, but with no specific trigger.
So I think... regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, that it is more important NOT to be bingeing than to see a particular number on the scale.
I am planning on staying around this number for a long time anyways....
Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!
OK, so we're due for another weekend....
I'm sorry I cannot go into detail about what is troubling me IRL. Maybe some day I can, but right now, I cannot. What I can say is that it has me very troubled and upset. It challenges everything I thought I was, as a person and a mother, and who other people were and are capable of doing to another person. It's hard to believe that there are "good people" out there who would stoop so low to bring someone down to nothing, just to save their own a***s.
Monday and Tuesday were particularly hard. On Monday, I believe I ate a whole half-gallon of ice cream. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Or maybe it was the peanut butter and Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread). I don't know -- I can't remember. Ha, it's bad when all of your binges start to blend in together, eh? (weak laugh & wry smile)
Anyway, so my weight was up to 124.5 on Tuesday, but it's on its way back down again. After the last binge, I made a conscious effort to change how I see some of my trigger foods. Several years back, I made the decision or realization that I could no longer have any potato chips (crisps, for my friends in the UK) in the house. If I did, I would eat them all. Sometimes I go through this with peanut butter (where I have to get it out of the house completely), and lately it's been with ice cream.
So I put all of the ice cream out in the garage freezer. (Thank GOD for that freezer.) Anyone who wants ice cream has to go out there and get it himself and serve him or herself. I don't go near it, I don't serve it, I don't smell/touch/handle/taste it. I don't dare.
And I'm hoping that I can get to the point with ice cream as I am with potato chips.
Yesterday was Thursday and I was very depressed. But I think I'm coming out of that now. Part of that depression may have been due to coming off of a sugar-high from Monday/Tuesday. It also could have been due to hormones, as PMS is about to kick in, in a few days. Or it could have been my IRL circumstances. Hard to tell... I was glad that I could tell my therapist.
It's ironic, because I'm seeing this therapist for PTSD and related anxiety, yet my "old ghosts" of eating issues and depression seem to keep popping up. I don't want to spend my time/$ working on these "old ghosts"; I want to deal with the issue at hand. Unfortunately, things aren't always so perfect......
My Husband has to work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday. Another lonely weekend....
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
hormones probably play a MUCH larger role than we think. i went to attempt to donate blood yesterday and i had low iron. and they measure twice...once on each hand. low iron may have affected my binge today...gonna look that up.
i believe that if anything this website helps us stay on track. i am proud of you for continuing to stay positive on the eating end of this. btw, eating issues will probably always be with us...as they sometimes remain a way of coping with more difficult issues. it is up to us to find better ways...
I do admire your dedication to yourself and your health. Both physical and mental. Your husband has a job that requires sooooooooooo much time away from home...so does Brian. Sometimes I just want to call his boss and scream at him..can't you guys survive without him working fifteen hours a day? But it wouldn't do any good anyway. There is something harder about being alone with someone, than being alone by ourselves. And once in a while I find it feels really good to throw a huge fit!
The biggest problem I am having right now is not trying to control everyone else, and I am finding that I am not as good at controlling myself as I thought. Without caring for everyone else, I have to really be alone with myself..and sometimes that is really uncomfortable. And then I turn to food. It sucks! But I am trying to break that attitude addiction. Like you, there are things that I simply cannot have in the house..chocolate is my big thing. If I buy chocolate, I will eat all of it. I sure won't throw it away!
Take care of yourself.
Just checking in. I guess it's like a Reality Check. I feel so numb that I'm not sure if I'm feeling good or bad, strong or weak.
Last night, I just got to the point where I was like, "**** this" and just gave it up. Things will resolve themselves however they will. Some things are just beyond my control...
Progress as of today: 24 lbs lost so far, only -10 lbs to go!
but, what are you saying is beyond your control?? Talk to us.
I really really wish you the best. I think you are a wonderful person who has always been so giving to everyone else here. Even if that one person said you were being nasty...I NEVER saw you be nasty to anyone. But you may also be codependant...something to check out. I honestly think it is something women are suffering with more than anyone because we are told we have to be the nurturers....well so freaking what...you deserve to love yourself and if you could 'see' yourself through my eyes you would think you are pretty cool like I do. Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger for a really long time like before. You were missed!
Donkey is not doing well right now. I think like WI3, I am just going to step back a bit and focus on well-being. Of course, having said that, I'll probably post all weekend long, lol. That'd be ok too...
Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
Still maintaining at this weight. Had a great run today -- perfect, cool weather now that the humidity has left us. Cloudy, breezy, slightly chilly.
Had a killer workout on the StepMill today too. Really felt it in my legs. I hope that my legs are not becoming too muscular though.
I have nothing positive to add to this entry, emotionally or personally speaking, so I will end it here and now. I am still determined to fight the urge to binge this month. Today will be Day 3 if I can make it through. Last night was an *incredible* battle. Very stressed out and anxious and emotional. Had an extra dish of frozen fruit instead of the half-gallon of ice cream I wanted to drown myself in...
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
i hope and want you to be right about my eating patterns getting better when i'm working towards an important goal. this is all stupidity!
A new month, a new beginning....
I have high hopes for September. I would like to have just ONE month, please, that goes well, diet and exercise-wise.
Today I heard about someone setting their goals for Christmas. What a lovely thought - Christmas goals. Made me *hunger* for long-term goals that I would like to achieve as the seasons change.
I am looking forward to winter with optimism, instead of my usual dread (because of the lack of sunlight).
CLARIFICATION: It is not that I *prefer* winter to summer. I am a summer person all the way. Can't run outside in the winter time :-( But I am (trying to be) optimistic about the changes. I think it's time for a change, in a LOT of things.
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
I gained 5lb this month. But I learned a lot about myself. And I did a lot too, exercise-wise.
I am so ready to put this month behind me.
Progress as of today: 23.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!
OK, I didn't realize that I never got around to editing Friday's entry. So here's a fresh entry for Saturday.
I survived the carnival :-) I was most apprehensive about the food part of it, but let me tell you -- the funnel cake that I bought for the kids was $7!!! What a rip-off!! I am SO glad that they agreed to split one -- AND that they did not feel like finishing it. I guess all those rides made their stomachs not so hardy. Heh heh. That's why we do the rides FIRST and THEN buy the funnel cake.
So I wrapped up what was left of the funnel cake and brought it home for Husband, who was only too happy to have it when he came home from work. Funnel cake is like pancake batter drizzled into a big old web-like mess and then deep fried and then dusted with powdered sugar, if you are unaware of such evils in the food world.
I stuck to my pre-planned snacks and meal plan. But I was very happy that I had made my Big Salad ahead of time because after 3 hours of standing watching the kids on the rides, I was so very tired. It was bad enough having to prepare leftovers for the kids for their dinner -- but quite honestly, I am very happy that they chose to eat healthy leftovers at home than corn dogs at the fair.
Today was the parade. I ran into one of my neighbors who said, "You've lost weight haven't you? Wow, you look great!" That was nice to hear because after having lost about 15lb in 3 months, I personally thought I looked like ****. So see, Donkey has been wrong about her weight loss too. Leave it to Donkey to take a good thing and get all worried about it. I truly am an Eeyore. (Wasn't Eeyore a mule? Or was he a Donkey too?)
I woke up and went to the gym early this morning for a light and short(er) workout on the elliptical. Came home, ate, cleaned up and walked to the street with the parade. Brought along a snack and a water bottle, but the parade was not as long as it was last year, so I did not even start on the water bottle. There it sits on the kitchen table waiting for me still. Ugh. Of course, I've had something like 7 cups of coffee though.
So it's definitely time to start working on the water. Because when I don't drink water and I feel anxious, well... you know what that can lead to... very dangerous eating. Let's not go there, Eeyore.
(Maybe if I change my DD name like everyone else has, I will change it to Eeyore. I do not want to be left out.)
Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!
Planning is everything when it comes to a good diet. Planning and having healthy food around to choose from. :) So, I have been doing better with that lately. It is good to hear you are doing those things too and that you're kids are learning from a good role model! :)
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maybe she didn't notice and was just asking to see how you are doing??? you lost weight...isn't 126 to 123 a loss?? yes, i do think you should talk to her. but listen, don't rely on other people's opinions about your body affect your own happiness. what is up with that? is there something you are upset about besides this?
WI3 on 09/26/2008:
I think your therapist may have meant that as a good thing. You may have been looking a little wan due to all you are going through..and you did drop a lot of weight. I really don't think he would say something like that in a negative way.
I hope you don't feel sad for too long..but seriously I know how you feel about someone saying something and then picking it apart until you feel broken..because it just HAD to mean something bad..for some reason I always feel like someone is saying the negative stuff..but mostly it is because I want to believe the worst about myself ...that is such a hard thing to break. UGH!
Don't beat yourself up. It is self-sabatoge.
biscottibody59 on 09/27/2008:
Unless you're going to therapy for an eating disorder and the goal is to gain weight--is it any of his f-----g business? My first thought would be to call him a big ol' dumba** or stick to the subject of the therapy--if not. Men/women/discussing HER weight--not usually a good mix anyway. Having said that, my good neighbor always remarks on my looks--weight up or down. Half the time he's wrong--I've gained, when he thinks I've lost. I play along because to be honest, what he thinks isn't going to affect me all that much, but it's good natured, I know where he's coming from and I actually appreciate that he notices. Not to mention that he's REALLY a GOOD neighbor, and I try to reciprocate.
It's the overall picture you should focus on. If you respect this man as a therapist, it should be all good or at least mostly good:-) Hope the therapy is moving you forward!
greengirl on 09/27/2008:
I'm sorry he said that to you, but if your therapist is a man, I'm surprised he noticed anything at all. My husband seems to have failed to notice that I've gained 35. Either that or he's just too scared to mention it , in case I break his legs or something. I think I'd give the therapist the benefit of the doubt though and think, like WI does, that he meant it as a good thing. If he is helping you in other ways you should persevere and hope that soon you are feeling less sad.
grumpy on 09/28/2008:
Come on my friend Donkey, do you think that if a person asks you if you gained weight it means you look FAT? at 123? Are you kidding me (and more importantly, yourself?) Maybe instead of having your therapist come clean about it next time, you should spend that time and energy discussing with him/her your vision about yourself. i am sure you look great, 123 or 118 or whatever. what you need to get the bottom of is your anxiety. sorry about the tough love, but i get it a lot too and even though it's not fun, it's good for me and i get it only from people who truly care. hang in there, i would kill to be at your weight. xoxo