I'm not changing my "Current Weight" because I weighed in some time after breakfast, coffee and water. In fact, it was almost time for lunch and the scale had said 144.5.
That is what FOUR bad days of eating will do. I have to admit that I was rather shocked that it wasn't higher.
Today was another very difficult day. However, I was able to get my Major Chore For The Week out of the way -- buying school supplies for my son.
You see the schools have where you can buy the required supplies in packages, through the school. The PTA earns some money from that. I didn't order for my son in time - because he is going to a new school this year (for middle school years). So I figured, well, it'll be OK to just buy his supplies ourselves.
NEVER AGAIN.
And I STILL didn't get everything he needs on the list.
So between having to do that and feeling like the bottom of the kitty litter box, I did not make it to the gym today. Frankly speaking, I do not remain optimistic for the remainder of the week.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
No weigh-in because yesterday was a bad eating day. Baaaad eating day... :-(
I had a very difficult day yesterday with sadness, and today is no different, except that yesterday, I still managed to do everything I had to do.
Today is more of a struggle to do anything.
I went to the gym, but only did 30 minutes of cardio. I felt myself falling apart on way to the gym, at the gym and on the way home from the gym.
I thought that glycrina said it best in her entry.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
and thanks for the post on my page--even just being acknowledged that I'm not totally nuts made me feel better! :)
more hugs
Thanks for helping me see that this is normal and I am not alone. Tomorrow will be a better day.
so therapy went pretty well. i did most of the talking, and even got slightly emotional, tearing eyes almost crying but holding back in order to talk. i felt good after, but then, later on in the night, started to feel WORSE and WORSE. i think it's because talking brought up things i wish to forget in my life or not think about. so, thinking about them again during the night caused me to eat poorly, and the fact i have a huge test, the first one this year, tomorrow. so, that in itself triggers me. tonight, i'll do what i can, but not loose sleep over this test. lol, this can all change. i mentioned to the therapist wanting meds, she said she'd set up an appointment with a psychologist! i am happy about this because i DO FEEL I NEED something to get through this school year and all the stress of constant change in schedule at school and the tests and sitting in class. however, i will be really upset if the medications need to be reported to my doctor...but i guess i would rather have the medication than not.
Today was weigh-in day. Not very happy with that number but there's nothing I can do about it now. Move forward with today....
Actually, that's not so bad considering that I had 2 days of bad eating over the weekend, nor I did not workout Sunday or Monday.
I have only myself to blame.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
Have a good evening!
I went to the block party last night and had a good time. Unfortunately, my eating suffered somewhat.
This morning I am struggling with my body. No weigh-in, which I never do after any special occassion. I am dressed, waiting to leave for church, and I feel so fat. Every time I dress for church (meaning: not workout clothes), I am reminded of how much weight I seem to be holding on to.
The capris felt tight in the thigh. I think I even saw some bra fat in back -- which NEVER happens to me because I am not a bosomy person. My arms flex a mean bicep but even they seem large and fleshy.
I asked my daughter, carefully, if the outfit looked ok or if I needed to change something. She told me to make sure my top is pulled down so that it is straight. I wanted to be very careful not to put her in the position of judging me: "Do I look fat in this?" So I made sure I focused on the outfit.
Pretty sad for this 39 yr old to have to ask a 9 yr old for a realty check. But I know she'd be honest if it didn't look right.
Maybe I should change into a skirt instead....
The sad thing is that these are clothes that fit properly (I think) last year. I don't like clothing that fits really tight. I just feel so large. :-(
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
No weigh-in today.
No gym today either -- at least not in my normal routine, so today could be tricky:
1. No gym
2. Husband works late
3. Anxious about neighborhood block party on Saturday
4. Discouraged about life in general (finances, unemployment, etc.)
You see, on Saturday my little cul-de-sac neighborhood is having their annual summer block party. Well, I had some legal problems that started last year, made the whole round of local media, blah blah blah. The incident involved an automobile accident (not DUI!!!!), and although it was an accident, I was still responsible for the consequences of what happened.
Since this accident, 2 of my neighbors, believing everything that was dramatized in the media - that my actions were intentional - have been just awful towards me. The other 4 neighbors still acknowledge me and give me a wave or a smile. (I don't talk to anyone any more.) But these 2 ladies are very scornful towards me.
So I am sure that you can see why a neighborhood block party would be uncomfortable for me.
My husband found out from our next door neighbor that at least 1 of these people will not be here for the party, which I thought meant both ladies, but I guess maybe it's just the one. I won't go if the other lady is present. It was bad enough having to go to court to face critical people; I'll be damned if I'm going put myself in a position of being scrutinized or criticized. again, willingly.
And so this impending party has brought back the flood of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear -- you name it -- that I have tried very hard to put behind me the past week.
As I said, if I can stop dwelling on the sorrows of the past, I do quite well. But when they come creeping back ..... It's like when an evening fog comes creeping in. You don't even notice it at first. And before you know it, it's so dense you can't even see the road ahead of you.
It's going to be a long, hot weekend... :-(
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
"Look Ma -- no weigh-in!"
I decided that I would resist weighing in now until my next weigh-in on Tuesday.
My workout today was stink-o for two reasons:
1. My portable XM radio lost my playlists. I guess it's because I haven't listened to live music in quite some time. I like what I have saved, and ever since Michael Jackson died, I haven't had the heart to try to listen to new stuff. And I'm not a big MJ fan either. I liked his Jackson 5 stuff and the old school stuff. So I"m not sure what the problem is.
But for today, my problem was that I was stuck with the 2 options of listening to the 2 artists' whose work my husband downloaded for my daughter: Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. It made for a loooonnnngg workout.
2. I started thinking about "to-do" things that didn't get done, and how I needed to do them, or why weren't they done, blah blah blah. It totally took me out of the moment, which I don't like. I mean, gym time is Donkey Time. And I don't like it when I get stressed out about things that I need to get done (or should have been done) in the Real World.
So my workout kind of stank. I am sorely tempted to either go back to the gym this afternoon and get in a GOOD workout or do something outside. Maybe my kids would go on a bike ride with me....
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
I figure I have returned to my "Real Weight", and now the hard work begins, once again.
Yestesrday was an Angry Day. I find anger a difficult emotion to hand constructively (is this possible?) because anger is so destructive. But at the end of the day, I realized that I had to just let it go and not carry it into the next day (which is today).
It's a work in progress.
I seem to be doing better with the food and exercise. I do an hour of cardio and 4-5 weight training exercises at the gym. I eat about 2000 calories throughout the day.
I try not to focus on negative feelings and put forth effort into the positive. Right now, that's not too difficult, because I'm not engaged in anything too challenging or meaningful right now. So this is a good time to get into the practice of positive.
That and taking it one day at a time.
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Hope your day is going well so far!
I guess I'm still losing binge weight... I usually weigh in on Tuesdays.
I had a great workout at the gym today. My new running shoes were a huge disappointment for running -- inadequate cushioning -- so I decided to see if they would work for me at the gym. I need a new shoe for "at the gym" as well, but I thought running was more important for my sanity's sake.
My new shoe will suffice for the gym. I will have to wait to have more $ to buy a proper running shoe, so this may be it for running for me this year. (Money is kind of tight this year.) And I'm ok with that.
I really enjoy doing cardio, so it occurred to me yesterday that maybe that's what I should be doing! And I love working out my legs -- kind of a love/hate relationship I have with my legs -- so maybe that's what I should be doing! I don't really like working my upper body all that much, so maybe I shouldn't be doing as much of that. (It's still important to do some, though, especially for donkeys my age.)
I also came to the revelation - over the weekend? - that if I continue to binge, I won't lose any weight. If I "need" to binge, ok, well fine, but then don't expect to lose any weight.
You would think this would be obvious, wouldn't you?
But for some reason, all of this hadn't really occurred to me. I was trying to be and do things that aren't really me. And that hasn't worked.
Which is why it's OK if I have to wait to run again. Because maybe it's something I shouldn't be doing right now -- for ME -- and *especially* in shoes that aren't what I need.
Progress as of today: 38 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!
i know...i must work on my intake throughout the day. today was just exhausting. and i had horrible choices at every meal. especially lunch, which left me famished only 2 hours later. perhaps i also had too much diet coke. ugh. better tomorrow.
Have a good one Donkey!
I think I keep weighing myself in order to see if I'm losing "binge weight" versus "real weight"....
Well, yesterday was actually a pretty good day eating-wise, probably because I was able to keep my emotions at bay (away, essentially). This is quite an improvement over last week, when I was feeling despondent even in the face of good news. (And not just "good news" but "saving-our-butts good news".)
I hope to continue to use the "Just For Today" philosophy for today as well. I'm also employing the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach by smiling as much as I can in public. One guy at the gym this morning said to me, "You shouldn't be smiling this early in the morning; what are you drinking?" LOL! Strong coffee, my friend. Very strong coffee....
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
me and you, we're having some recent very highs and very lows, emotionally/mentally. lets try to reach a healthy plateau.
Not that I'm hung up on the scale. Please do not misunderstand the weigh-in this morning.
Today was quite a different Sunday than usual. Our town had a small "parade" with the lights and sirens of police and fire. (Indeed, it is called the "Lights & Sirens Parade" -- so as not to be confused with "Throwing Tons of Candy At Your Kids Parade".) Then they had an auto show afterwards, outside.
So I took the kids and walked the 4 blocks or so to a nice shady spot and watched the 15 minute (?) parade (LOL). Then we walked around and saw some of the cars and walked home.
Later, my daughter (9) and I went for a 2 hour long bike ride. Not very strenuous for me, but enjoyable and relaxing.
Now I am going to the store to buy milk, as we ran out of that this morning. I have taken to drinking a glass of milk in the morning.
This is definitely one of those "one day at a time" days, where I didn't think of too much of anything but today.
Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!
It sounds like a lovely day!
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I like ordering from the PTA too. I don't even know if the option was offered this year but it is soooo worth it!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/13/2009:
so i've been dilly dallying online too much. and now i'm reading your new entry. i'm not happy with it, frankly speaking!!!!
there isn't a reason you should be torturing yourself this whole week. secondly, tomorrow is friday, practically the end of the week! rejoice in that. and, if possible, do not think about school supplies for the whole weekend. just keep the newspaper/magazine circulars, look at them monday. and start again monday. i HIGHLY recommend NOT doing anything that has to do with school this weekend.
next, from reading your diaries, i have become aware that your binging is many times school related. anything with your kids/school combo does it to you. i just realized that this minute. you shouldn't be shameful of yourself. you are a good mother who cares very much for her children. don't let YOUR anxiety with your kids, new school, other parents/teachers get to you. it's a NEW SCHOOL. they don't even KNOW you. there is no reason for you to keep eating like that. it's still summer.
catepillar on 08/13/2009:
Sorry to read that you are so sad. It is good that you are getting up and going to the things you need to go to and getting things done. Give yourself some slack and don't think you HAVE to do EVERYTHING exactly as planned...it is ok to have a funky day or five in a row..you are human. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are going through a rough patch and you are entitled to allow yourself the freedom to do so. As long as you are getting up, getting a shower and dressing, taking care of those who depend on you for survival (children) the rest of the time can be hanged. The gym will still be there in two days, the laundry will still be there, the dusting, dishes, everything will still be there. And so will you. (((((hug))))))