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Donkey - Wednesday Dec 28, 2011

Weight: 170.0

Donkey is making a comeback! :-)

LOL, OK, it's been a tough year, which by the looks of the scale, you can probably see that.  Most of the stress-eating has come from being in school.  This is an excuse, because it didn't have to be that way, but that's how I chose to deal with the stress, and I'm owning that.  There have been ups and downs this year besides, but the main constant seems to be a couple of really tough semesters and an internship that feels like I've been thrown into the deep end of the water. 

I started trying to get back on track about 2 weeks ago, and it worked, but the the holidays came so I've indulged again.  I came to the point where I realized there was gonna be stress all my life -- probably constant, since I've chosen a stressful career to jump into -- and that stress could not become a permanent reason for being overweight forever. 

It's very uncomfortable for me, physically, to be this overweight.  However, psychologically and emotionally, I like it.  Maybe I even love it.  Which is quite a switch for me, because I used to judge my self-worth on what I weighed.  I'm thinking it's another step forward in the positive journey of self-acceptance.

Progress as of today: 2.5 lbs lost so far, only 35 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/28/2011:
Thank you all for your well-wishes back! I've missed this site. I've missed caring about life. I'm hoping to utilize this site to chart my progress (?), hold myself accountable, and get the wonderful support I've found here in the past.

~WI~ on 12/28/2011:
Welcome back!!

Kati on 12/28/2011:
You're BACK!!!!!!!!!!! :o) i'm so happy you're back!!! :o) I am KathyBlue ya know :) and I am in the middle of a U-turn (hopefully) on the road of my weight-loss journey... yes, I'm struggling with binge-eating, compulsive eating after a difficult back surgery. I'm 22 pounds heavier as of July, maybe I can blame 4 pounds on the 12 screws and 2 titanium bars I have built-in in my body... well, I'm looking forward to read you on a daily basis! :)

Umpqua on 12/28/2011:
Welcome back and I look forward to seeing more entries!

Maria7 on 12/30/2011:
Glad you are back! Yayyyy! :-)

Donkey - Monday Dec 26, 2011

Weight: 170.0

Progress as of today: 2.5 lbs lost so far, only 35 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/26/2011:
hey donkey! I commented below, take a look! welcome back!

V on 12/27/2011:
Welcome Back!!! :)

Maria7 on 12/27/2011:
Welcome back. :-)

greengirl on 12/27/2011:
Hi Donkey, I have been wondering if we would see a post from you, and thinking about old DD friends. Hope to hear from you again in the New Year and I hope 2012 is a good one for you !

biscottibody59 on 12/28/2011:
Is you is or is you isn't back:-) Have a safe and cheery new year!

Donkey - Tuesday Jan 04, 2011

Weight: 159.0

I took a sneak peek at the scale this morning, and I can see that the holiday bloat (water weight) is gone.  Now it's time to buckle down and get the actual WEIGHT off.

People.com (People magazine online) has an interview with Drew Carey about his weight loss journey.  It's very short, but he spoke briefly about not obsessing about the number that he weighs but making permanent changes to his lifestyle.  I know that he does a strict low-carb diet but he has diabetes so maybe he needs to do that.  But what he said about not focusing on the numbers is exactly how I'm looking at my journey now too.

I want to thank everyone who stopped by to welcome me "home" after a long hiatus.  I can't tell you how encouraging and inspiring it is to know that there are people here that care, who are willing to forgive (me) and accept me for who I am. 

I recently came to the revelation that a LOT of my depression over the past couple of years, stemming from a legal incident involving a motor vehicle accident, is not because I think that I am a bad person who doesn't belong in society.  No, most of the depression is a manifestation of my disappointment in my fellow neighbor and human being, in their quickness to judge and condemn, rather than to seek it within themselves to forgive.  Now I know what Jesus meant by saying that it's easier to ask a dead man to walk than it is for people to forgive one another.

I see now (thanks to an episode of the Sopranos) that "good" and "bad" are really the same thing, and not polar opposites.  That is to say, that we all have good and bad (yes) within us, and that we are not "good people" or "bad people" (contrary to what my neighbors think) but part of a flawed humanity.

What the heck does this have to do with losing weight?  Well, a lot of it, for me, is about forgiving oneself.  Not so much absolution but rather acceptance.  So think about that when you "slip up" or binge.  And another part that has to do with diet is that the concept of no "bad" or "good" foods, but rather, a tasty array of cuisine that exists in the world and that we have to learn to co-exist with and accept within ourselves.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 24 lbs to go!

legcramps on 01/04/2011:
Oh, I hear 'ya girl. I have moments where I think to myself "really? really? is this really what people are like?".

I like how you compared good and bad between people and food. How imaginative! As soon as I read "tasty array of cuisine" I imagined a plate of the most colorful combinations of foods; made my lower lip tremble a bit, it did.

Have a great day today Donkey!

V on 01/04/2011:
Amen! have a great day!

loveray on 01/04/2011:
i love this entry and so glad you are back with us!!

chidogs on 01/04/2011:
Wise words, thank you. And a new way to see things. I agree with you, as I've gotten older I have noticed a lot of that in people. Take care!

liza36 on 01/04/2011:
As V says, Amen! It's good to see you back, and wish you all the success this year!

moogy on 01/04/2011:
Ah! I see that you are getting wisdom. Good for you. Forgiving other people for real hurtful things is one of the hardest things we have to do. We have to do it for ourselves not for them. It is tough work and I am so pleased that you have worked out that all of us have the capability to be both 'good' and 'bad'. Interesting that we can use spiritual teachings as a window into other areas of our lives, like food. Have a great day.

biscottibody59 on 02/13/2011:
. . . was here:-)

shadetree on 03/20/2011:
Glad to see you're still out there Donkey. (Saw you wishing Biscotti a happy birthday) You helped me a lot when I was on DD the first go around, sorry that you've been having some problems. Hope you are doing okay!

loveray on 03/20/2011:
i hope things are okay with you. we miss you!

biscottibody59 on 03/20/2011:
Thanks for the BD greeting--hope you'll start posting wherever you are right now! Take good care of yourself Donkey!

greengirl on 03/21/2011:
Hey Donkey, nice to see you are still around here Too :-0)

greengirl on 07/11/2011:
Hi Donkey, I hope you are still hanging in there somewhere out in the ether !! It would be lovely to hear from you :-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/26/2011:
hi donkey! welcome back!!! I also loved reading this entry. I think it is one of the best and most insightful entries regarding people, humanity, culture, forgiveness, forgiving ourselves. You said it well and the points you highlight are so true. The way you are perceiving others and the world is dead-on. Don't let anyone knock you down, because you have a solid grounding & view of what is decent, what is humane.

Donkey - Sunday Jan 02, 2011

Weight: 159.0

Somehow, I made it back here.  Not quite at what I re-gained LAST winter, but certainly higher than where I was at the end of summer.

I'm not even sure what kind of plan I have as far as weight loss, but I do know that it has to come off, because where I am at right now is physically uncomfortable, especially in the hips area, where the excess flesh has compromised movement.

Not good.

But I do know that this year, I am going to work very hard on taking care of myself.  Making better choices for myself.  (I guess you could call that my plan.) More so in the eating and spiritual sense.

Since I canceled my gym membership (for financial reasons, mainly, but also because I no longer felt comfortable going to that particular establishment), my exercise has been nil.  Nada.  Nothing.  I do know that once the weather turns nicer, I will have to work up the nerve to get myself out the front door and walk again.  I enjoy walking but my neighbors are downright hostile.  The ones at home during the day anyways.

I spend too much time on Facebook, playing those stupid games that give a person a false sense of accomplishment.  Curtailing this had been one of my main desires for 2011 but so far it hasn't happened.  At least not to the degree that I had hoped.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 24 lbs to go!

moogy on 01/02/2011:
I am glad you made it back. I think that just making the decision that you want to change and improve your health is a move in the right direction. I am sure you can get back to healthy eating and living if you really desire to do so.

V on 01/02/2011:
You can do it girl! Welcome back!

KathyBlue on 01/03/2011:
Welcome baaaack! I missed you!!!!!!

KathyBlue on 01/03/2011:
Hey, FB... wanna join DD's FB group? It's not visible from the outside, your friends won't know you're a member and anything you post there (or posts by others) are invisible for others, won't appear on your wall! If you'd like to join, please drop a line to sweetpea, she has the email in her BIO page! :) We'd love to have you there, too!!!!

KathyBlue on 01/03/2011:
AHHH, I'm confused with names vs. nicks (DD vs. FB) :D

biscottibody59 on 01/03/2011:
Happy New Year! I wish you all the best for 2011!

geevee on 01/04/2011:
I never got into FB or the games and don't think I ever will. Nevertheless, I found myself spending far too much time on the computer. To solve the problem, I disconnected my computer and now depend on the public library.

Donkey - Wednesday Oct 13, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 148.0

After gaining 2 lbs last Wednesday, which I knew were temporary, I am back down to 148, and now I am ready to continue the trend downward.

Last week's weigh-in (which I did not record here) was another speed bump in the road:  Cheez-Its, not walking enough, not drinking enough water.  Throw in some monthly water weight and there you have it.

I see now that it is nearly the middle of the month and I have not made any progress towards my October goal of 145.  (I think in some places, I have it recorded as 144 or possibly even 143; this is unrealistic for me at this point, I can see.)

I cannot even begin to describe the level of stress I have been experiencing the first two weeks of this month.  Most of this is in regards to the Old House that we have been trying to sell.  (see previous entry)

We had a buyer, but they gave us a ridiculously low number.  They came up and we had an agreement --- that left a bad taste in our mouths but you do what you have to do.  Then we had the home inspection and the roof needs replacing.

Well, a new roof is thousands of dollars.  We are already selling the house for more than $20k than we paid for it 10 years ago.  So the buyers said that not only would the WALK AWAY from our deal, but that they would also start bidding on the house NEXT DOOR to our old house.  

I told the husband, "Good, they should. It's a nicer house."  And it is.  But I didn't want them to walk away from our deal.  So we took an even greater loss and gave them $3000 towards a new roof. 

In the meantime, I had my court date.  I did not bring papers I was supposed to bring (that I did not know I was supposed to bring).  So I had a continuance, which was generous, but still just drove me down a downward spiral that I'm still trying to crawl out of.  It did not help that I was served with papers a few days later on a related matter.

So that I gained only 2lb during PMS/TOM is actualy quite an accomplishment.

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

legcramps on 10/13/2010:
There's a lot going on for you lately; so stressful! I hope you don't have to deal with it all for much longer. Have a good day today :-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/10/2010:
hey donkey, just passing though and seeing that both of us do not currently post much on here! :-)

stay well and keep at it!

Donkey - Wednesday Sep 29, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 148.0

I could not believe the scale this morning.  I felt so bloated and gross.  No apparent reason for that -- in fact, I was feeling "munchy" last night and resisted because I knew weigh-in was this morning.  So I can't blame late-night eating for feeling full this morning!

My last court appearance is this Friday.  Ugh, what a day.  I have to go to court and then I have 2 weddings to hostess, and the first one is a HUGE Filipino wedding.  (I hear the mom on that one is very high maintenance.) 

Instead of dreading this upcoming unpleasantness, I am actually catching myself being THANKFUL that it approaches.  I wake up and think, "Yes, I am one day closer" and I settle down for the evening and think, "Yes, I made it through the day."

Today is the day that we hear back from the lawyer to see if our house-selling contract has been agreed upon.  We have not heard anything about the results of the home inspection, so they are not asking us to fix anything (or pay to fix anything) before closing.  So if we are going to hear any demands, they need to come today.  We should also learn very soon when our closing date is.

We had to borrow money from my FIL to make it this month though.

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

loveray on 09/29/2010:
sending lots of love and peace your way!

just42day on 09/29/2010:
You have a great attitude and I know that will continue to serve you well. I hope you hear nothing but great news re: the closing. Family is there to support us in good times and in bad. I'm glad yours has been there for you.

KathyBlue on 09/29/2010:
WOW, great loss Donkey! :) I'm happy for you! :D I hope your see the house-contract issue closed for good very soon!

moogy on 09/29/2010:
You have done so well donkey, congrats on the weight loss, that's great, I am really pleased for you. It sounds like you have a nightmare of a week ahead. I hope everything works out the way you want it to and that at the end of it all you can let out a hug big sigh of relief!! Chin up. You are doing great!!

V on 09/29/2010:
Alright girl ! Congrats on your loss! And I am sure you will breathe a huge sigh of relief when this is all over :)

Donkey - Friday Sep 24, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 150.5

Thank you to everyone who replied to my last entry.  Not only did it feel really good to just summarize and unload the ordeal we've had with that house, but your encouragement and sympathy has given me new strength to continue forward.

I don't want to appear to be something I am not, so I do want you to know that these problems with the house -- and the subsequent fall-out with my personal life -- DID cause me to regain weight.  Quite a bit of it in fact.  But in retrospect, perhaps this was a "necessary evil" to help me learn how to separate "weight" from "life".

I no longer see my weight as a reflection of my day or my self-esteem or my self-worth.  Now, it truly is "just a number".  So why am I here?  Because I do acknowledge that I'm still carying around extra weight.  My body will figure out where it wants to be, so long as I keep up with healthy, moderate habits that I can sustain in my lifetime.

What does this have to do with anything?  Well, I realized today that I have ONE WEEK to reach my weight loss goal for September.  And I'm pretty sure I can do it.  My goal - as I recall - was to get out of the 150's, and I am very close.  It's just as well that I did not put forth 100% last week so that I could be even more motivated to push forward this week.

So here's hoping for a great week!

Progress as of today: 17.5 lbs lost so far, only 15.5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 09/24/2010:
Oh Donkey - I'm so sorry your family has been under the strain of two mortgages. The housing market is so bad right now-just about everywhere. Praying the deal on yur old house goes on through and this chapter is behind you. You are very insightful that you can see it as a necessary evil - or may I say a disquised blessing. So many of our trials are just that - in retrospect. There is so much truth, I'm afraid, in the saying That which does not kill us makes us stronger! Keep up posted on the progress of the closing and know that I am rooting for it to happen FAST!

moogy on 09/24/2010:
Oh, what joy would that cause - if we could seperate weight from life!!! I would be really slim and devestatingly attractive!! Yes you can reach your goal, not far to go now. Come on girl, you can do it!!

V on 09/24/2010:
You can do it Donkey!!!!

breakaway on 09/28/2010:
You are almost out of the 150's! You can do it! Hang in there!

moogy on 09/28/2010:
Thank you for your support donkey. I really appreciate it. I hope you are doing OK, I think about you often and hope that everything is going well for you in your world.

Donkey - Thursday Sep 23, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 150.5

Another half-pound gone, and I know that if I had put forth more effort and focused on my goal, it would have been more.  This is good because I know I have the power to change my situation, at least in the diet world, LOL!

Stress, poor weather and busy-ness are the reasons for a less than stellar perforance.  But this week is going to be different!

One thing that has changed is that I believe we have finally sold our Old House.  This is the house that we lived in (and own) before we moved (and bought) the house we live in now.  It has been a tremendous burden on our shoulders, to have this extra house.

I don't know, do you want to hear the gritty details?  How we rented to someone we knew and she stiffed us 2+ months' rent and we had to take her to court to get her evicted?  Or how we rented at a rock-bottom place to another lady we knew whose husband up and left her with 4 kids (one disabled with CP) after some 20 years of marriage?  She got the rent at a horrendously cheap price, but she had the $$ up front.  When she left, the house had definitely suffered some wear and tear.  Four kids will do that, you know.

Do you want to hear how we tried to rent it out (after the 2nd lady moved out) but couldn't find anyone to rent it that would send back the application?  How desperate people were to find decent housing that was also affordable?

Do you want to hear about the many many years and many many real estate agents we've had, trying to unload this house?  Do you want to hear about how we sold it a couple of years back, before my life fell to ****, and the deal fell through?  And that whole series of events led to what happened to me in my own life?

So you can see why I am not exactly jumping up for joy and celebrating -- although tequila sounds really good right about now.  Maybe you can also understand why I am and will remain skeptical of this deal until we finally close. 

But I have to say, it's a Godsend that we found a buyer when we did, because my family is on the Titanic of financial ships and things would be getting really really hard really really fast. (For example, we have $35 to live on until my husband gets paid next week and none of the bills, except for the mortgage have been paid.)

And we are all very ready to put this chapter of our lives (dh, me, the kids, heck probably even the cats) behind us.

Progress as of today: 17.5 lbs lost so far, only 15.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 09/23/2010:
Donkey, Im so sorry to hear about your struggles. I cannot imagine that many things happening with my home...but I do wish you all of the peace and serenity in the world - as well as the clarity to feel that something good could and will happen for you!! many blessings! xo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/23/2010:
i have the chills just reading this...i will comment more later...

moogy on 09/23/2010:
I have my fingers crossed that this deal goes through. Sounds like you have been living through a nightmare. Just have a look at how well you have been going with your weight loss while all this has been going on, yes it been slow but it been going down. Well done.

Umpqua on 09/23/2010:
So sorry to read about this. We have a rental property and I know how quickly they eat up time and money. I hope the deal goes through and you can rest easy and move on.

V on 09/23/2010:
Good job on your loss :) i am that you close the deal on your neverending saga!!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/23/2010:
OH, donkey, your situation really does upset me very much. i am so sorry you have to deal with ANY of this shi* going on right now and in the past. you do NOT deserve it. nobody does, but you are a truly helpful and good person. and it stinks that you have to face such difficult times.

I will cross my fingers that everyone works out right with the prospective buyer. i cannot even imagine having to own TWO homes .... can't even imagine managing one.

KathyBlue on 09/24/2010:
It's good to see you posting... I had this chapter in my life, too. My mother cannot climb out from this financial ditch a house caused her, too... It's difficult and no one deserves it. But there's a saying, after a series of bad things good things have to come!

Donkey - Wednesday Sep 15, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 151.0

After gaining a little weight -- and then getting back on track! -- I lost a little bit more (0.5) and weighed 151.0 this morning.  Yay!

Life seems to be getting busier by the day.  Not only is school (mine) kicking into high gear but the Wedding Hostess ministry that I help coordinate at my church is starting its new round of volunteers.  9 of them have email and 6 of them do not.

So I emailed the 9 with training dates and nobody has responded yet.  I'm kind of wondering what's going on.  I'll need to start making phone calls soon, for those who do not respond and for those who did not list an email.

But just about every Saturday in October, I'm busy with a wedding.  It would be nice if I could fit into my Wedding Hostess dress by October.

Progress as of today: 17 lbs lost so far, only 16 lbs to go!

KathyBlue on 09/15/2010:
Hello thereeee! Missed you! Don't forget to post a photo in October, you in your Wedding Hostess dress! I'm absolutely sure you make it!

liza36 on 09/15/2010:
Yay for that 0.5 pound gone! I know you can make it in the dress by October. Keep it up!

moogy on 09/15/2010:
Well done on the loss. It all counts - good for you! How much do you need to lose to fit into the dress?

V on 09/15/2010:
yes i cannot wait to see you in that dress and you will be able to fit into it :)

moogy on 09/20/2010:
I am just dropping by to let you know that I was thinking about you and hoping that you are doing OK.

Donkey - Wednesday Sep 08, 2010
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 153.0

Yep, I gained a pound, but I am not at all discouraged.  In fact, I am almost glad that I gave myself a week to slack off a bit and indulge my hormones --- and stress eating tendancies too, I'm afraid :-(  THAT I'm not too happy about but oh well.

My downfall this week was clearly the overindulgence of cheese baked crackers.  Definitely comfort food, but not binge eating by any means.  Just overdid it.

Plus it is TOM soon, so I can really feel the bloat.  It may be more psychological than anything -- can you feel 2 lbs? -- but I am ready to make better choices for myself this week. 

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

V on 09/08/2010:
Well for some psychological but for Most when TOM is here 2-4 lb weight gain is not out of the ordinary, keep in mind that is only a temporary thing!

moogy on 09/08/2010:
It is no wonder men lose weight quicker than us, more muscle mass and no fluctuating hormones!! Hang in there it will all level out in time for the next time round.:)

Maria7 on 09/11/2010:
Hope you're having a nice day today. :-)

moogy on 09/14/2010:
I am just stopping by because you haven't been around for a while. I hope you are doing OK. I miss your posts and comments.

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