It was difficult to face the scale today. I knew it wouldn't be too good. I had some food difficulties at work, thanks to a big, beautiful chocolate cake.
Progress as of today: 45 lbs lost so far, only 8.5 lbs to go!
Well, I was right - yesterday was very hard. Harder than I thought it would be. The shipment was very small, but a nice young man unpacked the truck - it was the only shipment in the truck. No one from the AF had attended, as we had been promised, but actually, that was OK.
Afterwards, I stayed home for a bit, had lunch with husband (ate too much), and then went to work.
I wrote of this before, about second-guessing myself in some of the decisions that we made, and yesterday was no exception. I think that I regret not requesting more of his stuff, specifically, his civilian clothing. I guess we thought that it would be too hard to have to go through his clothing, to donate or discard, perhaps? And that could have been true.... but it would have been nice, I think, to hold some of his shirts, maybe...
But as my Boss told me later, it's not good to start second-guessing yourself. I guess not.
While I was out, Male Co-Worker told me that he was about to confront the Boss about the trip to the ER Tuesday night, when the Boss' daughter called on the phone, speaking very LOUDLY that she was VERY upset that she JUST heard - from her HUSBAND - that Boss was in the ER two nights ago. Ya think??!!??
So long story short, the Boss has a follow-up cardiologist appointment this afternoon, to check for blockages, I guess. His daughter is connected in the medical circles, so this is a different cardiologist. If Boss went to his regular cardiologist, he'd have to wait until the end of May to get an appointment -- because the doctor is so overbooked. Perhaps the appointment will take all afternoon, and I could go home early. Wouldn't that be nice...
I remember talking to my Son a couple of years ago, to encourage him to eat & train better, and not to drink alcohol, which he was starting to do more of. My purpose was to encourage him to help himself be able to operate optimally at his job and to do well for himself. Yet, this was a struggle for him. And I see in my Boss, too, that he needs to do SO much more to take care of his health, but he doesn't.
I was reflecting on this last night, realizing that I too struggle with this -- of course, for me, it's mostly just the eating part.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
Hugs.
we all struggle. we can do better.
remember, you do not have to be perfect in eating (or any other part of your life). this is something i remind myself about lately too. by allowing the treats and wiggle room, things become more manageable.
Today, the shipment of Son's belongs returns home. Oh, how I wish it was him coming home instead. I guess I'm having a harder time with this than I thought I would. I won't know until it actually happens, though.
The plan is to go into work later today, after the arrival and the emotions. I'm fortunate that we still have staff (Mistakes Girl) to cover my desk while I'm out. New Guy and the Boss don't seem to be doing ANYTHING to find her replacement. Nothing, nada...
And then it turns out, late yesterday afternoon, I overhear the Boss telling his son-in-law on the phone that Monday night was "not the best" as he wasn't feeling good, so he want to the ER and was there until 1:30am! WHAT?!?!? He didn't say ANYTHING to anyone at work. I guess the only thing (!) they found wrong was really high blood pressure. Oh my goodness... So what the heck is he doing at work the next day for the whole day??? I would think that when his daughter hears about the ER visit, she is going to flip bricks. He needs to make his health a #1 priority, ASAP. This living in denial about the wife, the state of the house, his health -- this has to stop.
Eating at work was better, but at home, it kind of fell apart. Peanut butter and granola after dinner. Yep.
Did an evening bike ride - which is not nearly as strenuous as walking on the treadmill - and then shoulders. It was really HARD to do shoulders. I really didn't want to, but I don't want to lose the progress I've made on my upper body. IDK, with these sorts of things, like work, weights, etc., I'm like "life goes on" and we all have things that have to get done. I realize that I'm extremely privledged to have time to grieve as it is. Not everyone has that.
It's just hard, really hard. All of it.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
Good job getting in that shoulder workout, and the bike ride. You are continuing to take care of yourself through such hard times, and that is truly impressive Donkey.
Eating did not go very well yesterday, BUT I learned my lesson (the hard way): really not a good idea to eat any food that is kept at work because the mice have been very active. That is the end of the cocoa powdered almonds. However, I came to THAT conclusion (about the almonds) AFTER I had already eaten 2 handfuls. Warned my Husband that if I get mysteriously ill soon, don't rule out rodent-related diseases.
The online support group was good. I'm glad that I did this, even if it was last-minute. There were some frustrations, some folks had problems with Zoom, which took away time from the purpose of the meeting. I was randomly put in a smaller group of older women who had lost their husbands, who I imagine were Veterans, and not active enlisted. However, in the larger group overall, I noticed that there were young widows and a few moms. Next week, I will be put into a different small group, so I may have a chance to hear stories that are more relevant to mine.
But loss is still loss. Grief is grief, and we were able to share that. Although there was a bit of a mismatch, I felt supported, and I did feel a little bit better after the meeting had ended. The group was all women though, even though it was not promoted as a women's group. Very sad. Where do men go to grieve?
Did not do any exercise after the meeting at all, just the evening chores. Had trouble falling asleep this time, but woke up feeling relatively rested.
So my goals for today are to do better with eating and then shoulder weights tonight. My right shoulder has either arthritis or some kind of perpetual tenderness, so it's light weights. I presume that the weather will cooperate sufficieintly enough so that I can get in a lunchtime walk.
Son's personal affects return home on Thursday. Tuesday is Daughter's birthday, and she wants cake, ice cream, and the Boyfriend to come over. Oh my.... Not sure how to manage that with the support group meeting at 6pm, but we'll figure it out.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
also the grief seminar that you mention in your previous entry sounds to be the right thing...smart to try to leave work semi early for it so you can make it all work out on time. i will say, leaving work in order to balance home life can be very helpful in terms of feeling the ability to get everything done sometimes.
i think women usually outlive men; but i agree that there may not be the same outlets for men to grieve. women and men are so different in how they approach their troubles/grief. i'm glad you still come here to chat with us.
lately my sleep gets interruped too; sometimes due to drinking more liquids closer to bedtime causing me to wake up during the night. however, one thing has helped me get up better this week - and i think it's going to bed earlier. last night, i was feeling inccreasingly tired and went to bed as early as around 8p though i did look at my phone in bed and wake up a few times....but i still felt more rested and woke up easier this morning; i believe due to spending more time resting in bed.
if you do weights, please note: i am doing weights with you. prob upper only and a massage on my hamstrings which are still sore as I did a TWO HOUR walk with parents on weekend - wonderful change of pace but hard on my muscles as i'm not used to it. trying to just rest them out this week :)
i guess be with daughter and celebrate but excuse yoursellf when the support group is going. maybe even celebrate after the support group ends, later that night....but i'm guessing doing it earlier is more reasonable! :) she should understand when you go to the online group :) i'm glad there is more available online for support and it's good you are able to navigate. some people are like zombies with technology, fortunately we are used to it - prob due to work, etc.
Time to put on a brave fascade and face the day...
I did not make it to the gym yesterday, but did manage to be quite active with what I have at home. Eating went OK too. I did lower body in the morning, and that felt good to do.
I signed up -- rather at the last minute, which I hate to do - for an online Zoom grief series. It's 3 classes, for people who are recently (i.e. 3 years or less) grieving. I hope that this will be useful. Unfortunately it starts at 6pm, which kind of cuts into dinner. I will try hard to leave a little early today, if possible, like 4pm or 4:30p.
I checked in with Mistakes Girl, who said we got a lot of contracts in over the weekend. Well, they must have all come in after 3pm on Sunday and then into Monday. Unreal, just unreal.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
Didn’t you mention Montana family ties? Read an interesting true crime book on a 1975 Montana case. They caught the guy because he used a “budinsky.” This is a device that can be attached to any phone line to make calls on someone else’s dime.
Many lines were long and dropped into farmer’s fields. This one farmer had a fit when he saw a $13 long distance call on his bill. He stormed into the phone company which was able to tell who was phoned, a big break in the case.
The other interesting thing is this book was the cops could not identify a particular sound when they tapped the suspect’s phone. So they sent a recording off to some federal police agency that had a team of blind people with keen sound recognition abilities., They said it was a small cricket found in certain areas. LOL. Another clue.
I caution you, dear reader, that my entries moving forward, may contain more about emotions, and less of the nuts-and-bolts of dieting, at least for now, where I am in my journey.
Actually, now that I think about it, most of my dieting difficulties have been on an emotional level. I've definitely got the exercise thing down, maybe too well, in fact. I also have a decent knowledge of nutrition and the tools to track. MOST of what I struggle with is in my head: emotional eating, lack of motivation, self-doubt, body dysmorphia...
I will talk about the problem I had with yoga yesterday. I can see why it's a popular class. The instructor received loud applause afterwards, and I can totally understand why: she is kind, gentle, and encouraging. It is a beginner-level class (which has me quite concerned about the more advanced classes - I don't think I'd be able to keep up with those!), moving through poses with a nice, slower cadence.
But then she stops instructing with verbal cues and encourages us to go through the moves on our own, "make it your own". I quite dislike that, and I was in NO frame of mind to do something like that yesterday. or EVER. It's hard enough for me to remember and respond to cues in the first place. I have no movement memory when it comes to sequences. "Making it my own" left me lost and confused. I started to feel very panicked. And then I wondered if that's how my Son felt in the Air Force, sometimes, or maybe most of the time, before he died....
And everyone WAS making it their own. There was no uniformity that I could follow. I gave up and sat quietly on my mat until the instructor started cueing with a new sequence, but then she'd stop again, and start up with the "make it your own". So again, I'd sit out. This happened twice, maybe 3 times. This led me to wonder if this is how most yoga classes are. I know that most yoga classes have a sequence of poses that are repeated, and what you do on the right side is always completed on the left side, too, to balance. I had a little of this "make it your own" when I was in the studio (before COVID), but it was a small class, so the instructor would just start cueing again when I'd get lost. Not at this gym, especially with a full class like that.
Towards the end, we were doing something while lying on our backs, and I had the strangest experience, that was just overwhelming. It was difficult to hold back tears, and I was not entirely successful. Thankfully, it was dimly lit and a very warm room, so I could have been wiping sweat off my face, right? I would not call this experience an "out of body" experience - it is difficult to put into words - but I felt very connected, somehow, to my son's last moments alive.... It was overwhelming....
I do not think I am ready, emotionally, to return to yoga right now. I'm not sure this is even for me. Why would I want to subject myself to practcing that awful "make it your own" trauma over and over again? I would not. I won't.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
I thought it would help me relax and re-center myself, but it had the opposite effect. Major backfire for sure.
There are stages of grief to work through and I'm sure you are doing that......((HUGS))
Well, maybe now’s not the time for this class. Maybe later, maybe never. You are very vulnerable now and have experienced a tragic loss, you don’t need any added stress.
I don’t know what people who take their lives experience at the end. I think the majority are under the influence of drugs and others are stone cold sober and plan it out and find solace in their decision to travel on. Then probably there is a group of impulsive people who can’t take the pain anymore & panic. Whatever, terribly sad. Infinitely heartbreaking.
My brother did physician assisted suicide. No hope. Devastating all around. It’s legal in California now. Broke my parent’s hearts. Broke many hearts. Death always does.
I’m sure you could do advanced yoga. I once did Bikram hot yoga. All levels in one room. Only one type. Long poses and slow. Perhaps it’s the style of yoga you prefer ? Idk?
I do prefer a slower pace, and holding poses longer for a good stretch.
I slept relatively well again, although I haven't verified this with the Garmin yet (lol). Garmin confirmed that Friday night's sleep was "excellent". At least I feel like I can function with the mundane day-to-day a little better. I seem to manage the grief better too.
Last night, the evening snacking was a little more than ideal, but still OK. I'm a little miffed because my "sugar free" hot chocolate is really "no sugar added", which isn't as low-calorie as the sugar free stuff. At 80 calories, it's almost the equivalent of a square of dark chocolate, and I'd much rather chew my calories than drink them. However, it sure was tasty!
Had my morning bike ride and protein oatmeal for breakfast. Husband is coming to the gym with me. It's always a bigger production when he comes with, because he's a lot slower than I am.
I hope to update this post later today, after the yoga class. Yet another chapter in the Donkey Adventures saga.
LATE AFTERNOON EDIT: So yoga didn't go as I thought it would. I struggled emotionally MUCH more than I thought I would. In fact, at one point, I thought I was going to just totally break down, so I just sat there quietly, until I was able to rejoin and resume.
I realized that I am just not in the right "headspace" to do yoga at this time. I may not rejoin Zoom yoga either, until May.
Actually, I'll confess to you here that it occurred to me that maybe I won't come back to it at all, in any format. This thought occurred to me on the way home.
Husband and I went into work this afternoon and knocked out 23 emails, and I'm so glad I did. The craziness with a handfull of my files was just over the top. I mean, *I* know what's going on, so I was able to handle the craziness, but I could only picture Mistakes Girl, reading these emails, thinking to herself, "What on earth do I do with THIS???"
Afterwards, I bought myself a few plants (a pink African violet, a spider plant, and a fig leaf ficus) to help me feel better from morning yoga, and then Husband and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. I wanted to have bottled water available for the officers coming tomorrow to interview us.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
Well, I'll finish up what he bought me, but then switch over. I'm OK with 80 calories as long as I *know* that's what I'm choosing.
I used to buy 50 cal per servings of cocoa years ago, can’t recall the name. Came in little individual packets. Some even had a few marshmallows. Not bad at all!
YES, the ones with the marshmallows, 50 calories -- that's what I was expecting/requesting.
do you not like yoga anymore? change of heart?
it is totally ok to decide it's not what you want to do now...but i thought you loved yoga?
I will write more about my thoughts on yoga in Monday's entry, and maybe it will help me to clear my mind a bit.
Grateful for a little loss on the scale. Another gray, cold, cloudy day, with possible rain and/or snow.
I slept better last night. I haven't checked my Garmin yet for a sleep score, but I finally feel a little more rested. I see 2 reasons for this:
I decided to take Monday off. I need a break from work, and it will be a difficult day anyways. Daughter has the day off, and with interviews in the late afternoon (changed from 2pm to 4pm or 5pm - whenever they can get here), I hope to see more of her. I will have to cancel Zoom yoga though.
To make things easier on my co-workers who are left to cover my desk, I was thinking of going into work for 2-3 hours tomorrow (Sunday afternoon), just to clear out weekend emails, print out any contracts that have come in, etc. I asked Husband to come along with me. He can bring his Kindle and read. Then I thought we'd go do something "fun" like ice cream or dinner or something.
I signed up for a very popular yoga class tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what happened, but recently, this class has become VERY popular. I'm not sure how I feel about being in a room with 40 other people, but I wanted something to "push" me to get back to the gym, after last weekend off.
I've already been to the gym this morning. Cardio only -- I want to do weights at home. By the time I left, it was very busy. Time to go, that's for sure!
I don't have too much planned today, but I'm OK with that. Husband seems to be wandering around, a little lost today.
Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!
When I signed up, I had to reserve my "spot". I am spot 22. I should have reserved a number closer to the exit, just in case, LOL. Those spots were already taken, though.
That new yoga class sounds great! If the crowd or whatever gets to you, leave. And maybe try later.
That’s very generous of you to go in on a Sunday. Nice if the husband goes with you & you guys have a little treat afterwards!
I hadn't considered leaving the class if I'm uncomfortable, so I thank you for pointing this option out. Seriously, I need to be reminded of this option, more often.
Today though was sunny skies so it made up for it being 50F as bright sun warms you up when outdoors :)....therefore tomorrow i'll stay indoors!
lately i wake a lot during the night; partially bc i give into temptation and drink close to bedtime; therefore i'm up all night.
that is kinda a good idea to go in sunday & bring hubby...will you be paid for your time? (just asking)
if 40 people is too much; you can always choose to wear a mask if it makes you feel better; unless the mask feels too restrictive...
i was thinking to do yoga tomorrow myself, online..but now i think i'll put that on the backburner, but maybe do some bike tomorrow AM! (indoors). we'll see.
Yoga is in a heated room, so a mask might be a little uncomfortable, but YES, I could wear a mask, and I will make sure I have one in my bag.
So I finally understand what Happy has been trying to tell me. I woke up at 1:30am and had the hardest time falling back asleep. After struggling for about 20 minutes, I went downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a cup of Sleepytime tea. I didn't even exercise at all last night, so I thought I'd have a better sleep, using the evening to truly decompress. Unfortunately, I was expecting a a call from someone connected to the Air Force's network for grief support - never called. And we received some unsettling and disturbing updates on the investigation into Son's death. I'm still processing it, as a matter of fact. I think it was that news that interfered with my sleep.
This is what Happy has been saying. I may need some outside help with sleep, because what I'm doing isn't working, and the lack of sleep is stressing my body out. Stress makes a body release chemicals like cortisol and adreneline that wear out a body if prolonged. And, if I may be vain, they also impede weight loss - which I'm sure is not what Happy was hinting about, but rather that stress can really mess up a body, both physically and mentally.
I have a couple of meds at home that I can try, to see if they help, and I think that I'll make the Sleepytime tea a short-term habit for now.
The stress seems to be wearing everyone down a bit here. We seem to be snapping at one another a little more often. We received an evelope with more of Son's paperwork, and a check for the petty cash that was left in his room. That was very hard. I didn't even look at it. I don't know what Husband did with the envelope.
We'll have investigators from Scott AFB here on Monday afternoon to interview us (Husband, myself, Daughter). I believe that means that the investigation is wrapping up "soon", but I'm not sure what "soon" means.
So the stress will be ongoing for a little while longer. I'm a little ticked off that we're told what direction the investigation is going, but that nothing more can be said until the investigation is over.
Well, back to the here and now: Because I was up for 1.5 hours (1:30am-3am approx.), I had a very hard time getting up this morning, which meant that I didn't have enough time to walk on the treadmill again. I'm starting to think that my morning bike rides are a waste of time, because I don't get many steps for it, and I don't get my heart rate up.
I'm glad it's Friday. It should be just warm enough to melt all of the snow that fell all day yesterday and then overnight. The roads are clear but the cars, grass, and trees have a nice layer of snow. And the sun is out, which always helps.
Husband mentioned that Chair Yoga is only a "maybe" tonight, depending on how he is doing. He has his Move weight-loss support group, then a doctor's appointment for his CPAP, then home to deal with insurance (if he's up to it). I'm getting charged nearly $600 for all that blood work in December and January. So I don't know if he'll be up to Chair Yoga or not. If he wants to go, I will go. But I'd also be OK with another month of closure and healing before we tell our story.
PS Eating went really well yesterday, and now I am armed with 100-calorie popcorn packets and sugar-free hot chocolate, at Maria's suggestion.
Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!
What you are going through is quite different than a death where there is a funeral and burial/cremation usually within 4 or 5 days and It is also very different than going through the death of an older person where it is kind of expected because of their age and then dealing with their possessions. I'm sure you have so many emotions that are hard to process. I'm also sure that because all of the matters have to filter through the Air Force first and then are given to you very slowly and in small amounts at a time. I know it is heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. Usually a month later the family has begun the hard work of grieving and processing.......and starting to accept what has happened....but you are still in that limbo......and instead of 4 or 5 days.......it turns into weeks and more.......and that changes how you have to deal with it all. I think you are doing amazingly well.......I also think that when all of the business is done and you can put the questions behind you........there will be a time to deal with the grief and that will be a very important time too. I just hope that you continue to take care of yourself and stay strong.......you have already proven you are a very strong person.....
I am so very sorry, Donk. This too shall pass and you are a strong woman. You shall overcome, it just takes time & tears.
As to the AM exercise, every bit helps when you can do it. 100 Cals a day burned adds up to a full pound in a month & a lot in a year.
But nothing wrong with stepping away when times are hard & you’re facing incredible heartache and uncertainty all around.
Not a good start to a cold, dreary, dark, grey day in Illinois. Woke up an hour late. I heard my alarms, but fell back asleep. Finally woke up enough to get out of bed at 6am, when Husband's alarm went off.
So I'm way behind in steps because no treadmill this morning. I may walk tonight on the treadmill after dinner, even though that will probably mess up my body battery and sleep pattern. Between you and me, I'd like to leave work early - like I wanted to yesterday EXCEPT that Male Co-Worker left at 2:30pm because he was "sick" with a cough. He seems to be beating me out on all the time off, just like Queen Bee used to do to everyone. I'm not sure what trick he'll play today, but he's taking Friday off to spend with his grandchildren who are off this week for Spring Break.
The "really strong" candidate that was supposed to come in yesterday to interview never showed up. I'm not sure what happened. It was supposed to be at 1pm, then got moved to 3pm, and then just went away after a brief closed-door session between New Guy and Boss. There was an open conversation by the copy machine, but I was not a part of that. Next thing I know, Boss is making rapid calls to applicants to set up interviews, leaving voice messages with them all. It wouldn't surprise me if none of those called him back because we've waited too long. Boss REALLY wanted New Guy to take charge on this, and he couldn't and wouldn't ask for help. So here we are.
Eating went relatively well yesterday. Did lower body weights. Very tired and stressed. A very sad day...
Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!
I’m so sorry you’re having such sad days….only to be expected, but that’s little consolation, I know. HUGS, Dear Donkey
Sad days clouded with bad sleep are not pleasant. I actually forgot what day of the week it was today. I thought it was Monday. Said to my Daughter, "Well, I'll see you on Thursday." She said, I'll see you Saturday morning, which is when I realized my mistake.
Lifestyle-related signs of overtraining
Prolonged general fatigue Increase in tension, depression, anger or confusion Inability to relax Poor-quality sleep Lack of energy, decreased motivation, moodiness Not feeling joy from things that were once enjoyable
You've mentioned a LOT of things to me this week, like the term "trauma", that I hadn't considered or thought of before, that I'm going to write about for Friday. It's been very helpful to me. (Including re-evaluating this whole step-goal thing, believe me.)
HOWEVER, I think you've got some key advice there, to sign up for days off -- even if I don't end up taking them. Just sign up for them, and I can always let them go. Yep, I'm going to do that tomorrow. YEP.
I'll definitely consider this and Bear's advice.
i cannot believe how hard it is to hire someone!
i guess that's why people hire based on who they know so often.
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yum to choc cake. cake is so hard to eat in a small serving! but it can be done or can be had as a meal on it's own...at least that's how i accomplish it these days.....LOL.
Maria7 on 04/09/2022:
Who can resist a big, beautiful chocolate cake? I know I can't! I'm up in weight, too, so you are not alone. We'll get back on track. Take care.
bearcountrygg on 04/09/2022:
WEll...cake is cake...I have a couple of inlaws that do not like cake....there is something wrong with those people...LOL
happy-1 on 04/09/2022:
If there was cake in front of me, I’d eat it too.
horn_of_plenty on 04/10/2022:
more than the scale, you just keep working on you. the scale will follow. stay strong, the scale with show it. xoxoxoxoxoxo
that's why i don't enjoy cake as much as the smaller treats, nobody eats a piece of cake the size of two cookies...lol
then again, the cake part of cake is not the issue is it; it's the icing! lol
have a nice sunday!