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Donkey - Saturday Apr 09, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 141.5

It was difficult to face the scale today. I knew it wouldn't be too good.  I had some food difficulties at work, thanks to a big, beautiful chocolate cake.  

Progress as of today: 45 lbs lost so far, only 8.5 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 04/09/2022:
yum to choc cake. cake is so hard to eat in a small serving! but it can be done or can be had as a meal on it's own...at least that's how i accomplish it these days.....LOL.

Maria7 on 04/09/2022:
Who can resist a big, beautiful chocolate cake? I know I can't! I'm up in weight, too, so you are not alone. We'll get back on track. Take care.

bearcountrygg on 04/09/2022:
WEll...cake is cake...I have a couple of inlaws that do not like cake....there is something wrong with those people...LOL

happy-1 on 04/09/2022:
If there was cake in front of me, I’d eat it too.

horn_of_plenty on 04/10/2022:
more than the scale, you just keep working on you. the scale will follow. stay strong, the scale with show it. xoxoxoxoxoxo

that's why i don't enjoy cake as much as the smaller treats, nobody eats a piece of cake the size of two cookies...lol

then again, the cake part of cake is not the issue is it; it's the icing! lol

have a nice sunday!

Donkey - Friday Apr 08, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

Well, I was right - yesterday was very hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  The shipment was very small, but a nice young man unpacked the truck - it was the only shipment in the truck. No one from the AF had attended, as we had been promised, but actually, that was OK.   

Afterwards, I stayed home for a bit, had lunch with husband (ate too much), and then went to work. 

I wrote of this before, about second-guessing myself in some of the decisions that we made, and yesterday was no exception. I think that I regret not requesting more of his stuff, specifically, his civilian clothing.  I guess we thought that it would be too hard to have to go through his clothing, to donate or discard, perhaps?  And that could have been true.... but it would have been nice, I think, to hold some of his shirts, maybe... 

But as my Boss told me later, it's not good to start second-guessing yourself.  I guess not.

While I was out, Male Co-Worker told me that he was about to confront the Boss about the trip to the ER Tuesday night, when the Boss' daughter called on the phone, speaking very LOUDLY that she was VERY upset that she JUST heard - from her HUSBAND - that Boss was in the ER two nights ago.  Ya think??!!??

So long story short, the Boss has a follow-up cardiologist appointment this afternoon, to check for blockages, I guess.  His daughter is connected in the medical circles, so this is a different cardiologist. If Boss went to his regular cardiologist, he'd have to wait until the end of May to get an appointment -- because the doctor is so overbooked. Perhaps the appointment will take all afternoon, and I could go home early.  Wouldn't that be nice...

I remember talking to my Son a couple of years ago, to encourage him to eat & train better, and not to drink alcohol, which he was starting to do more of.  My purpose was to encourage him to help himself be able to operate optimally at his job and to do well for himself.  Yet, this was a struggle for him.  And I see in my Boss, too, that he needs to do SO much more to take care of his health, but he doesn't.

I was reflecting on this last night, realizing that I too struggle with this -- of course, for me, it's mostly just the eating part.

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 04/08/2022:
We all have struggles of one kind or another every day. It's not like, 'Oh, I need to do this or that' and then we follow through...because even though the intent to do better is there, different circumstances that we constantly deal with can affect how much (or little) we take seriously what we need to do and how much of it we follow through with. Example: 'I want a donut and I deserve it because of this and that so I am going to have it even though I know this is not going to help me achieve my goal weight.' We could have made the decision to discipline ourselves and not give in. But...would the donut have actually helped us in the long run versus feeling stressed out about situations we have no control over? I know...what we should do it seek solace through a different avenue...for me, that would be praying more and reading Bible scriptures more and distracting myself with working inside the house or outside in the yards...But...do we choose the easy way (donut) or the harder way (doing other things that do not involve food)? The thing I am trying to get across is this: We have NO CONTROL over what others do, whether our children, spouses, or friends. We can only try to be there for them and pray for them and love them. That is all. You encouraged your Son to have a better life, as a wise and loving and caring Mother would do. Beyond that, there is nothing else you could do, other than to let him know you loved him, which you did. Same with your boss...He has chosen his lifestyle. All you can do is pray for him. We all want the best for everyone, but alas, there is little we can do to bring that about, other than loving them and praying for them. Sorry I wrote a sermon. Hope you have a better day today and also...try to think more of yourself today..maybe do something that invigorates you...that lifts your spirit, whatever it might be...an outside walk...a manicure...a new hairstyle...plan a day trip... Love ya!

bearcountrygg on 04/08/2022:
I agree with everything that Maria said........and I will say that I think having regrets about choices....before and after a death.......it's normal....Try not to second guess.....I still do it....and it really does not get me anywhere. Guiding or attempting to guide an adult child is a lesson in frustration....I guess none of us want to be told what to do. I know my kids resent when I try.....and sometimes I know better and say something anyway......I remember not wanting my parents opinions......Parenting is hard but so worth it..no matter how hard it is. Your son knew he was loved and you can take solace in that.....((HUGS))

legcramps on 04/08/2022:
Yes, what Maria said! And BCGG, about having regrets and that being totally normal. Analyzing and second guessing and hindsight - it's great and all, but doesn't really get us anywhere today.


Maria7 on 04/08/2022:
We all have regrets and wish we'd have done things differently regarding a, b, and c...when we look back and it's too late to change anything. But, we can also accept that we did the best we knew how at the time we had opportunity still available. I regret that near the end of my Mama's life, I kept coaxing her to eat, which she had no appetite and was losing weight at a very fast rate. She did her best to try to get a little food down here and there at my constant encouragement to her to eat, as I fed her one or two spoonfuls as she could tolerate. Little did I know that she was not dying because she was not eating...instead, she was not eating BECAUSE she was dying...and I learned this AFTER she had passed. I regret having pressured her to eat, being ignorant of this fact. So, we all have regrets and we cannot change anything after they are gone and we have to accept this and it takes time to do this. I think you expect a lot more of yourself than you are aware of. Be kind to yourself. Grief is different for everyone but the one thing we all have in common is we are human and we must all come to terms with decisions that were made when our loved one was still here on earth and we must accept our inadequacies as well and appreciate that our loved ones knew we tried to help them the best we knew how as well as felt our love for them that we continue to have ongoing. Take care.

innerpeace on 04/08/2022:
Oh I can't tell you how much reading this put dread in my heart. I know every situation is different but all I do is worry about my son (also in the military) I know he has a drinking issue and I have even called him out on it a time or two and he always tells me he can handle it...I really wonder about it though. I just hate that he is so far away. I know that he is a grown adult and will make his own decisions, but as a mother, I worry.

horn_of_plenty on 04/08/2022:
re your boss, seems old things never change re below! i don't think he will ever change lol. be glad his life isn't yours! i'd be glad over it, anyways. i wouldn't want to be in the hospital and work the next day!

horn_of_plenty on 04/08/2022:
yes, your boss is right. don't second guess your decisions re your son's clothes. there's no right or wrong way to go. you are ok in your earlier decision <3. for sure.

we all struggle. we can do better.

remember, you do not have to be perfect in eating (or any other part of your life). this is something i remind myself about lately too. by allowing the treats and wiggle room, things become more manageable.

Donkey - Thursday Apr 07, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

Today, the shipment of Son's belongs returns home.  Oh, how I wish it was him coming home instead.  I guess I'm having a harder time with this than I thought I would.  I won't know until it actually happens, though. 

The plan is to go into work later today, after the arrival and the emotions.  I'm fortunate that we still have staff (Mistakes Girl) to cover my desk while I'm out.  New Guy and the Boss don't seem to be doing ANYTHING to find her replacement.  Nothing, nada... 

And then it turns out, late yesterday afternoon, I overhear the Boss telling his son-in-law on the phone that Monday night was "not the best" as he wasn't feeling good, so he want to the ER and was there until 1:30am!  WHAT?!?!?  He didn't say ANYTHING to anyone at work.  I guess the only thing (!) they found wrong was really high blood pressure.  Oh my goodness...  So what the heck is he doing at work the next day for the whole day???  I would think that when his daughter hears about the ER visit, she is going to flip bricks.  He needs to make his health a #1 priority, ASAP.  This living in denial about the wife, the state of the house, his health -- this has to stop.


Eating at work was better, but at home, it kind of fell apart.  Peanut butter and granola after dinner.  Yep.

Did an evening bike ride - which is not nearly as strenuous as walking on the treadmill - and then shoulders.  It was really HARD to do shoulders. I really didn't want to, but I don't want to lose the progress I've made on my upper body.  IDK, with these sorts of things, like work, weights, etc., I'm like "life goes on" and we all have things that have to get done.  I realize that I'm extremely privledged to have time to grieve as it is. Not everyone has that. 

It's just hard, really hard.  All of it.

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 04/07/2022:
I'm sure that receiving your sons things will be hard...As time goes on you will go through different emotions and will feel different ways. You need to work your way through the feelings. I am so glad you found a group.....and maybe in the future other groups that will also help. This has to be so hard....((HUGS)). It is good that you were able to take a little time off to deal with things. I don't know from experience but I do know from the heart of a MOM....that it does have to be really hard....((More hugs)).

happy-1 on 04/07/2022:
HUGS!!!!!!! I wish they could be more than virtual. You can do this.

legcramps on 04/07/2022:
Thinking of you today, hugs.

Good job getting in that shoulder workout, and the bike ride. You are continuing to take care of yourself through such hard times, and that is truly impressive Donkey.

jacky82020 on 04/07/2022:
Dang, Donk, you keep on trucking’ in the face of such bad times. You are my hero. HUGS 4Ever

Maria7 on 04/07/2022:
Prayers for you and your family today. Take care.

Maria7 on 04/07/2022:
Hugs to you, Friend, also.

Donkey - Wednesday Apr 06, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

Eating did not go very well yesterday, BUT I learned my lesson (the hard way):  really not a good idea to eat any food that is kept at work because the mice have been very active.  That is the end of the cocoa powdered almonds.  However, I came to THAT conclusion (about the almonds) AFTER I had already eaten 2 handfuls.  Warned my Husband that if I get mysteriously ill soon, don't rule out rodent-related diseases.

The online support group was good. I'm glad that I did this, even if it was last-minute.  There were some frustrations, some folks had problems with Zoom, which took away time from the purpose of the meeting.  I was randomly put in a smaller group of older women who had lost their husbands, who I imagine were Veterans, and not active enlisted.   However, in the larger group overall, I noticed that there were young widows and a few moms.  Next week, I will be put into a different small group, so I may have a chance to hear stories that are more relevant to mine.

But loss is still loss.  Grief is grief, and we were able to share that.  Although there was a bit of a mismatch, I felt supported, and I did feel a little bit better after the meeting had ended.  The group was all women though, even though it was not promoted as a women's group.  Very sad.  Where do men go to grieve?

Did not do any exercise after the meeting at all, just the evening chores.  Had trouble falling asleep this time, but woke up feeling relatively rested.

So my goals for today are to do better with eating and then shoulder weights tonight.  My right shoulder has either arthritis or some kind of perpetual tenderness, so it's light weights.  I presume that the weather will cooperate sufficieintly enough so that I can get in a lunchtime walk.

Son's personal affects return home on Thursday.  Tuesday is Daughter's birthday, and she wants cake, ice cream, and the Boyfriend to come over.  Oh my....  Not sure how to manage that with the support group meeting at 6pm, but we'll figure it out.

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 04/06/2022:
Wonderful the Zoom meeting was of some use. I would have thought they’d be more specific, as in some for parents who loss children. I read this nonfiction book once that referenced drug/alcohol/eating disorders etc support groups and they were highly specialized by gender, age & even occupation. This makes some sense to me, but you are right loss is loss & grief is grief.

Maria7 on 04/06/2022:
That is wonderful that you were able to do the zoom grief meeting. Sounds like it was beneficial, even though not a perfect fit in grieving for children versus grieving for spouses. But, like Jacky said (and you, also), grief is grief, either way you look at it, it is PAIN and it hurts. From someone who is still grieving and KNOWS...I still cry over Mama. I am so happy that Y'all are enjoying her artwork. This brings comfort to me in knowing that she would have been smiling about this. I will be remembering you on Thursday in prayer, Friend. I know it will definitely not be easy for you nor your family. Hugs to you.

horn_of_plenty on 04/06/2022:
re the yoga waiting list and it being popular, most students are prob just used to the teacher and her class format. you were the newbie... re your comment back to me on Monday..

horn_of_plenty on 04/06/2022:
re below - really? lots of contracts coming in from sunday 3p and onwards!? not sure that would be the truth! i'm sure she didn't consider the ones you already replied to.

also the grief seminar that you mention in your previous entry sounds to be the right thing...smart to try to leave work semi early for it so you can make it all work out on time. i will say, leaving work in order to balance home life can be very helpful in terms of feeling the ability to get everything done sometimes.

Donkey on 04/07/2022:
Not kidding you - 10 contracts came in for Monday. Unreal. What is WRONG with people?

horn_of_plenty on 04/06/2022:
i remember at my previous company, the smell of a dead mouse a couple times. ugh. def coudn't keep food with a flimsy wrapper outside of tubberwares! luckily the trailer being off the ground, i guess rodents cannot easily get in. the trailer is raised off the ground a bit. and we also keep all food raised up...sorry about the rats. i think it's common in office buildings..at least in the city.

i think women usually outlive men; but i agree that there may not be the same outlets for men to grieve. women and men are so different in how they approach their troubles/grief. i'm glad you still come here to chat with us.

lately my sleep gets interruped too; sometimes due to drinking more liquids closer to bedtime causing me to wake up during the night. however, one thing has helped me get up better this week - and i think it's going to bed earlier. last night, i was feeling inccreasingly tired and went to bed as early as around 8p though i did look at my phone in bed and wake up a few times....but i still felt more rested and woke up easier this morning; i believe due to spending more time resting in bed.

if you do weights, please note: i am doing weights with you. prob upper only and a massage on my hamstrings which are still sore as I did a TWO HOUR walk with parents on weekend - wonderful change of pace but hard on my muscles as i'm not used to it. trying to just rest them out this week :)

i guess be with daughter and celebrate but excuse yoursellf when the support group is going. maybe even celebrate after the support group ends, later that night....but i'm guessing doing it earlier is more reasonable! :) she should understand when you go to the online group :) i'm glad there is more available online for support and it's good you are able to navigate. some people are like zombies with technology, fortunately we are used to it - prob due to work, etc.

Donkey on 04/07/2022:
I did shoulders last night. I didn't want to. It was hard to get started. I was glad when I finished, though.

happy-1 on 04/06/2022:

Donkey - Tuesday Apr 05, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

Time to put on a brave fascade and face the day...

I did not make it to the gym yesterday, but did manage to be quite active with what I have at home.  Eating went OK too.  I did lower body in the morning, and that felt good to do.

I signed up -- rather at the last minute, which I hate to do - for an online Zoom grief series.  It's 3 classes, for people who are recently (i.e. 3 years or less) grieving.  I hope that this will be useful. Unfortunately it starts at 6pm, which kind of cuts into dinner.  I will try hard to leave a  little early today, if possible, like 4pm or 4:30p.  

I checked in with Mistakes Girl, who said we got a lot of contracts in over the weekend.  Well, they must have all come in after 3pm on Sunday and then into Monday.  Unreal, just unreal.

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 04/05/2022:
I admire your stamina and perseverance in the face of great sorrow.

Didn’t you mention Montana family ties? Read an interesting true crime book on a 1975 Montana case. They caught the guy because he used a “budinsky.” This is a device that can be attached to any phone line to make calls on someone else’s dime.

Many lines were long and dropped into farmer’s fields. This one farmer had a fit when he saw a $13 long distance call on his bill. He stormed into the phone company which was able to tell who was phoned, a big break in the case.

The other interesting thing is this book was the cops could not identify a particular sound when they tapped the suspect’s phone. So they sent a recording off to some federal police agency that had a team of blind people with keen sound recognition abilities., They said it was a small cricket found in certain areas. LOL. Another clue.

Donkey on 04/06/2022:
We don't have a family connection to Montana. Montana was very new to us. It's very beautiful, but quite lonely, I think. Long winters, hard winters. COVID complicated everything.

Maria7 on 04/05/2022:
Wow...that is amazing what Jacky just wrote above! I hope your day goes better than anticipated today.

bearcountrygg on 04/05/2022:
I hope the online grief group will be of help.....So nice that you can do it from home.......

Donkey on 04/06/2022:
I'm so glad that I signed up. I'll write a little bit more about this today (Wednesday), but this was one last-minute decision that really worked out well.

Donkey - Monday Apr 04, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

I caution you, dear reader, that my entries moving forward, may contain more about emotions, and less of the nuts-and-bolts of dieting, at least for now, where I am in my journey.

Actually, now that I think about it, most of my dieting difficulties have been on an emotional level.  I've definitely got the exercise thing down, maybe too well, in fact.  I also have a decent knowledge of nutrition and the tools to track.  MOST of what I struggle with is in my head:  emotional eating, lack of motivation, self-doubt, body dysmorphia... 

I will talk about the problem I had with yoga yesterday.  I can see why it's a popular class.  The instructor received loud applause afterwards, and I can totally understand why:  she is kind, gentle, and encouraging.  It is a beginner-level class (which has me quite concerned about the more advanced classes - I don't think I'd be able to keep up with those!), moving through poses with a nice, slower cadence. 

But then she stops instructing with verbal cues and encourages us to go through the moves on our own, "make it your own".  I quite dislike that, and I was in NO frame of mind to do something like that yesterday. or EVER.  It's hard enough for me to remember and respond to cues in the first place.  I have no movement memory when it comes to sequences.  "Making it my own" left me lost and confused.  I started to feel very panicked.  And then I wondered if that's how my Son felt in the Air Force, sometimes, or maybe most of the time, before he died....

And everyone WAS making it their own.  There was no uniformity that I could follow.  I gave up and sat quietly on my mat until the instructor started cueing with a new sequence, but then she'd stop again, and start up with the "make it your own".  So again, I'd sit out.  This happened twice, maybe 3 times.  This led me to wonder if this is how most yoga classes are.  I know that most yoga classes have a sequence of poses that are repeated, and what you do on the right side is always completed on the left side, too, to balance.  I had a little of this "make it your own" when I was in the studio (before COVID), but it was a small class, so the instructor would just start cueing again when I'd get lost. Not at this gym, especially with a full class like that. 

Towards the end, we were doing something while lying on our backs, and I had the strangest experience, that was just overwhelming.  It was difficult to hold back tears, and I was not entirely successful.  Thankfully, it was dimly lit and a very warm room, so I could have been wiping sweat off my face, right?  I would not call this experience an "out of body" experience - it is difficult to put into words - but I felt very connected, somehow, to my son's last moments alive....  It was overwhelming.... 

I do not think I am ready, emotionally, to return to yoga right now.  I'm not sure this is even for me. Why would I want to subject myself to practcing that awful "make it your own" trauma over and over again?  I would not.  I won't.

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 04/04/2022:
Yes that yoga sounds like anxiety waiting to happen for me. I was uncomfortable in the few yoga classes I went to because I was always being singled out and having the instructor come and move me how I was supposed to be, and I would hear loud sighs from others nearby - I guess I was slowing down the class, regardless I didn't like it. I wouldn't go if you didn't like it...who needs more stress, when it is supposed to be just the opposite.

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
Yep, you get me. I don't need more stress in my life, but I will keep an open mind about this class and yoga overall, I think, to when I'm in a better spot mentally.

I thought it would help me relax and re-center myself, but it had the opposite effect. Major backfire for sure.

legcramps on 04/04/2022:
Yes, yoga is supposed to feel reformative, rejuvenating, not frustrating and overwhelming. It sounds like, right now, this is not something you need in your life. Can you practice just a few movements that you have learned at home?

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
I could do a few poses at home on my own. Yes, I think I will try that, because if one thing I learned from this class was that I've lost a little progress on balancing on one leg, and I like those poses.

bearcountrygg on 04/04/2022:
I agree with the others.....this just may not be the right time for yoga......

There are stages of grief to work through and I'm sure you are doing that......((HUGS))

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
Trying to... I haven't really touched on the anger phase (yet).

Maria7 on 04/04/2022:
WHY do we demand so much of ourselves??? Perfectionism if the reason, I think. Maybe we should 'lighten up' and tell ourselves than 'anything' we do is an 'improvement' and therefore not a failure. At least you went to yoga and you TRIED. It is amazing to me how well you are holding up in what you are going through. Don't be so hard on yourself, especially during this time of grieving. That was a 'gift' that you received of having felt that connection with your Son. Like telepathy, I think. Wow. Take care.

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
I think I demanded too much of myself. This is a good point. It's too soon, and when I do return, it will be different because I am changed.

Maria7 on 04/04/2022:
PS...My Grandma, who lived next door to us when I was growing up, helped raise me after my Daddy was killed in a car wreck when I was little. She became my second Parent. I was always close to her. The night she passed many years later, when she was living at a nursing home, I awoke early in the morning before daylight and I saw her. I never forgot it. It was like she had come to tell me good bye because she loved me so very much.

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
I have had dream visits from my Grandpa and my step-father, letting me know that they are OK. I have not yet heard from my Son. Nor have I heard from my father-in-law, but the connection there wasn't the same.

Jacky82020 on 04/04/2022:
I must confess I don’t even know what “make it your own” means. To personally modify the pose vs doing one set series? So everyone’s doing something different? Sorry, I just don’t get it.

Well, maybe now’s not the time for this class. Maybe later, maybe never. You are very vulnerable now and have experienced a tragic loss, you don’t need any added stress.

I don’t know what people who take their lives experience at the end. I think the majority are under the influence of drugs and others are stone cold sober and plan it out and find solace in their decision to travel on. Then probably there is a group of impulsive people who can’t take the pain anymore & panic. Whatever, terribly sad. Infinitely heartbreaking.

My brother did physician assisted suicide. No hope. Devastating all around. It’s legal in California now. Broke my parent’s hearts. Broke many hearts. Death always does.

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
Your understanding of the yoga class is correct -- during these "make it your own" segments, everyone was just kind of going at their own post, doing the sequences of moves - but not everyone was doing the sequence correctly. It was too confusing, too much going on, felt lost and alone in a crowded room.

horn_of_plenty on 04/04/2022:
You def have the exercise down pat. Cardio-wise id even say you are golden !

I’m sure you could do advanced yoga. I once did Bikram hot yoga. All levels in one room. Only one type. Long poses and slow. Perhaps it’s the style of yoga you prefer ? Idk?

horn_of_plenty on 04/04/2022:
I have also not ever taken a class where the instructor said to make it your own. I have taken a few fitness classes tho not many but from my experience and what I have seen when I used to see a dance Zumba class thru the door, everyone always did the same thing. Perhaps do it your own, in my mind, would be to practice a pose of my choice at that time - I can understand why it had taken you aback and also why it made you think of your son

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
That's reassuring to hear that "make it your own" isn't a universal theme in yoga classes.

I do prefer a slower pace, and holding poses longer for a good stretch.

horn_of_plenty on 04/04/2022:
Maybe if you knew to expect the make it your own part, you’d know what you want to do at that point. I wouldn’t stress this part really as you have the power and time to develop a solution for yourself during the do your own phrase. In time you will feel better. If you need a break from yoga now, that is more than understandable xoxo

Donkey on 04/05/2022:
True - now that I know what to expect, I might be in a place, mentally, some day, to really relish the "make it your own" aspect of it. It seemed to me as though the other people really liked this part of it. I think it's one reason why the class has a waiting list every Sunday. Like, "look Ma, I'm doing yoga!" sort of thing.

Donkey - Sunday Apr 03, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

I slept relatively well again, although I haven't verified this with the Garmin yet (lol).  Garmin confirmed that Friday night's sleep was "excellent".  At least I feel like I can function with the mundane day-to-day a little better.  I seem to manage the grief better too.

Last night, the evening snacking was a little more than ideal, but still OK.  I'm a little miffed because my "sugar free" hot chocolate is really "no sugar added", which isn't as low-calorie as the sugar free stuff.  At 80 calories, it's almost the equivalent of a square of dark chocolate, and I'd much rather chew my calories than drink them.  However, it sure was tasty!

Had my morning bike ride and protein oatmeal for breakfast.  Husband is coming to the gym with me.  It's always a bigger production when he comes with, because he's a lot slower than I am.

I hope to update this post later today, after the yoga class.  Yet another chapter in the Donkey Adventures saga.

LATE AFTERNOON EDIT:  So yoga didn't go as I thought it would.  I struggled emotionally MUCH more than I thought I would.  In fact, at one point, I thought I was going to just totally break down, so I just sat there quietly, until I was able to rejoin and resume.

I realized that I am just not in the right "headspace" to do yoga at this time. I may not rejoin Zoom yoga either, until May.

Actually, I'll confess to you here that it occurred to me that maybe I won't come back to it at all, in any format.  This thought occurred to me on the way home.

Husband and I went into work this afternoon and knocked out 23 emails, and I'm so glad I did.  The craziness with a handfull of my files was just over the top.  I mean, *I* know what's going on, so I was able to handle the craziness, but I could only picture Mistakes Girl, reading these emails, thinking to herself, "What on earth do I do with THIS???"  

Afterwards, I bought myself a few plants (a pink African violet, a spider plant, and a fig leaf ficus) to help me feel better from morning yoga, and then Husband and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. I wanted to have bottled water available for the officers coming tomorrow to interview us. 

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 04/03/2022:
I know what you mean....about slowing things down when another is there also.....it's always that way for me too...but I'm glad that both of you will participate today. Oatmeal here to today!!! Have a good day!

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
Yes, I'm glad he was with me as well. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, on an emotional level. He did really well, for himself, and had a good time (for the gym). I'm very proud of him for going.

Maria7 on 04/03/2022:
Get the 'Reduced Calories' hot chocolate...it is only 40 calories. That is what we drink over here and it is very good. It says 'Swiss Miss Reduced Calorie' on the front of the box. Glad you were able to rest well last nite. Hope you have a blessed day with your Hubby.

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
Ohhhh, yes, this is what I should have gotten. Husband kept searching under "sugar-free" which brings up NO results.

Well, I'll finish up what he bought me, but then switch over. I'm OK with 80 calories as long as I *know* that's what I'm choosing.

Jacky82020 on 04/03/2022:
Did that sugar free cocoa perhaps contain fat? That’s the killer in chocolate & sugar free candies. Some sugar free peanut butter cups I once tried had about the same number of Cals as Reese Cups and weren’t nearly as good. Guess they were for diabetics?

I used to buy 50 cal per servings of cocoa years ago, can’t recall the name. Came in little individual packets. Some even had a few marshmallows. Not bad at all!

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
I wonder what the FDA considers "no sugar added" to be, because it does contain 11g of sugars. I've seen some hot chocolate mixes with 120 calories, some are 90. This one is 80, which I can live with.

YES, the ones with the marshmallows, 50 calories -- that's what I was expecting/requesting.

horn_of_plenty on 04/03/2022:
I also mostly prefer to eat my cals than drink them ….hence why I really don’t drink much juice although I’m experimenting lately with one alcoholic beverage here and there

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
I agree, except that sometimes, it's very comforting to have a warm beverage. Also, it can take longer (theoretically) to drink a hot drink than to eat a room temperature food. Maybe that's why I rely on hot and cold/frozen food to keep my mouth from feeling so lonely.

Jacky82020 on 04/03/2022:
Walmart gave me a free little gift bag that had two Starbucks cocoa mixes. 100 cal. Haven’t tried them yet. They sometimes handout bags samples at the pickup. The vinyl bags are cute.

Donkey on 04/04/2022:
I have one of those little gift bags, I think, and if it's the same thing, I love mine! (A reusable shopping bag but small, like a purse sort of, but short straps like a shopping bag.) I don't recall if mine came with a hot chocolate. I think this one was for a promo for outdoor movie night in the parking lot, during COVID.

horn_of_plenty on 04/03/2022:
you were very productive this afternoon!

do you not like yoga anymore? change of heart?

it is totally ok to decide it's not what you want to do now...but i thought you loved yoga?

Donkey on 04/04/2022:
Yes, amazingly so - and I pointed this out to Husband. Believe me, though, when I say that this weekend was particularly difficult. Yesterday was so hard, emotionally, so it was good to keep busy, and I was surprised at how "busy" we were able to be, since we're not normally busy folks!

I will write more about my thoughts on yoga in Monday's entry, and maybe it will help me to clear my mind a bit.

Donkey - Saturday Apr 02, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.5

Grateful for a little loss on the scale.  Another gray, cold, cloudy day, with possible rain and/or snow.

I slept better last night.  I haven't checked my Garmin yet for a sleep score, but I finally feel a little more rested.  I see 2 reasons for this:

  1. Had a big mug of Sleepytime Tea last night after dinner, instead of decaf coffee
  2. Knowing that I didn't have to go into work the next day

I decided to take Monday off.  I need a break from work, and it will be a difficult day anyways.  Daughter has the day off, and with interviews in the late afternoon (changed from 2pm to 4pm or 5pm - whenever they can get here), I hope to see more of her.  I will have to cancel Zoom yoga though.  

To make things easier on my co-workers who are left to cover my desk, I was thinking of going into work for 2-3 hours tomorrow (Sunday afternoon), just to clear out weekend emails, print out any contracts that have come in, etc.  I asked Husband to come along with me.  He can bring his Kindle and read.  Then I thought we'd go do something "fun" like ice cream or dinner or something.

I signed up for a very popular yoga class tomorrow morning.  I'm not sure what happened, but recently, this class has become VERY popular.  I'm not sure how I feel about being in a room with 40 other people, but I wanted something to "push" me to get back to the gym, after last weekend off.  

I've already been to the gym this morning.  Cardio only -- I want to do weights at home.  By the time I left, it was very busy.  Time to go, that's for sure!

I don't have too much planned today, but I'm OK with that.  Husband seems to be wandering around, a little lost today.

Progress as of today: 47 lbs lost so far, only 6.5 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 04/02/2022:
Decaf coffee is terrible for sleep and your health in general because of the chemicals used to remove the caffeine. Those will wreck all different parts of your body, esp thyroid. Throw the whole bag out now. Methyline chloride especially is a paint stripper. https://www.eatthis.com/news-decaf-coffee-toxic-chemical-report-clean-label-project/

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
Well, yes, I suspected as such. I was using decaf to curb the evening munchies. Also, the taste and the warmth are comforting at night. Yes, this might have to go by the wayside.

bearcountrygg on 04/02/2022:
Yay for the loss on the scale. A larger yoga class might be interesting.....Have you been to one with at many people before? I'm glad to hear that you are taking Monday off.......

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
I have not been in such a large class. I think the largest class I was ever in had 16. And I'm not a fan of large groups, so this should be interesting. Definitely testing my comfort levels.

When I signed up, I had to reserve my "spot". I am spot 22. I should have reserved a number closer to the exit, just in case, LOL. Those spots were already taken, though.

Jacky82020 on 04/02/2022:
I love a good decaf, usually add it to yogurt for flavoring. Sometimes make a 50% decaf with 50% caffeinated. The beans I buy use water to extract the caffeine.

That new yoga class sounds great! If the crowd or whatever gets to you, leave. And maybe try later.

That’s very generous of you to go in on a Sunday. Nice if the husband goes with you & you guys have a little treat afterwards!

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
I love coffee flavored yogurt. Dannon used to have one that was very yummy! My mom used to get it all the time, when I was younger, still living at home.

I hadn't considered leaving the class if I'm uncomfortable, so I thank you for pointing this option out. Seriously, I need to be reminded of this option, more often.

Maria7 on 04/02/2022:
Hope you and your Hubby have a good outing. Ice cream is always good!

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
Yes, there is an ice cream shop that is on the list as having possibilities!

horn_of_plenty on 04/02/2022:
awww, sorry for your gray, colder day. tomorrow it will be a chillier day here, and with rain!

Today though was sunny skies so it made up for it being 50F as bright sun warms you up when outdoors :)....therefore tomorrow i'll stay indoors!

lately i wake a lot during the night; partially bc i give into temptation and drink close to bedtime; therefore i'm up all night.

that is kinda a good idea to go in sunday & bring hubby...will you be paid for your time? (just asking)

if 40 people is too much; you can always choose to wear a mask if it makes you feel better; unless the mask feels too restrictive...

i was thinking to do yoga tomorrow myself, online..but now i think i'll put that on the backburner, but maybe do some bike tomorrow AM! (indoors). we'll see.

Donkey on 04/03/2022:
I will definitely get paid for my time on Sunday. And it means that I will take less vacation time for Monday. I'm already anticipating 2 hours (max.), but it just kind of depends on the content of the emails that come in. If it's a bunch of "thank you's" , that's easy. I'm kind of expecting some home inspection reports - those take time to process. My purpose is to tackle any home inspection reports and new contracts.

Yoga is in a heated room, so a mask might be a little uncomfortable, but YES, I could wear a mask, and I will make sure I have one in my bag.

Donkey - Friday Apr 01, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

So I finally understand what Happy has been trying to tell me. I woke up at 1:30am and had the hardest time falling back asleep.  After struggling for about 20 minutes, I went downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a cup of Sleepytime tea.  I didn't even exercise at all last night, so I thought I'd have a better sleep, using the evening to truly decompress.  Unfortunately, I was expecting a a call from someone connected to the Air Force's network for grief support - never called.  And we received some unsettling and disturbing updates on the investigation into Son's death.  I'm still processing it, as a matter of fact.  I think it was that news that interfered with my sleep.

This is what Happy has been saying.  I may need some outside help with sleep, because what I'm doing isn't working, and the lack of sleep is stressing my body out.  Stress makes a body release chemicals like cortisol and adreneline that wear out a body if prolonged.  And, if I may be vain, they also impede weight loss - which I'm sure is not what Happy was hinting about, but rather that stress can really mess up a body, both physically and mentally.

I have a couple of meds at home that I can try, to see if they help, and I think that I'll make the Sleepytime tea a short-term habit for now.

The stress seems to be wearing everyone down a bit here.  We seem to be snapping at one another a little more often.  We received an evelope with more of Son's paperwork, and a check for the petty cash that was left in his room.  That was very hard.  I didn't even look at it.  I don't know what Husband did with the envelope.

We'll have investigators from Scott AFB here on Monday afternoon to interview us (Husband, myself, Daughter).  I believe that means that the investigation is wrapping up "soon", but I'm not sure what "soon" means. 

So the stress will be ongoing for a little while longer. I'm a little ticked off that we're told what direction the investigation is going, but that nothing more can be said until the investigation is over.  

Well, back to the here and now:  Because I was up for 1.5 hours (1:30am-3am approx.), I had a very hard time getting up this morning, which meant that I didn't have enough time to walk on the treadmill again.  I'm starting to think that my morning bike rides are a waste of time, because I don't get many steps for it, and I don't get my heart rate up.  

I'm glad it's Friday.  It should be just warm enough to melt all of the snow that fell all day yesterday and then overnight.  The roads are clear but the cars, grass, and trees have a nice layer of snow.  And the sun is out, which always helps.  

Husband mentioned that Chair Yoga is only a "maybe" tonight, depending on how he is doing.  He has his Move weight-loss support group, then a doctor's appointment for his CPAP, then home to deal with insurance (if he's up to it).  I'm getting charged nearly $600 for all that blood work in December and January.  So I don't know if he'll be up to Chair Yoga or not.  If he wants to go, I will go.  But I'd also be OK with another month of closure and healing before we tell our story.

PS  Eating went really well yesterday, and now I am armed with 100-calorie popcorn packets and sugar-free hot chocolate, at Maria's suggestion.

Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 04/01/2022:
((HUGS))...I wish I was there in person to give you a real hug!!!

What you are going through is quite different than a death where there is a funeral and burial/cremation usually within 4 or 5 days and It is also very different than going through the death of an older person where it is kind of expected because of their age and then dealing with their possessions. I'm sure you have so many emotions that are hard to process. I'm also sure that because all of the matters have to filter through the Air Force first and then are given to you very slowly and in small amounts at a time. I know it is heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. Usually a month later the family has begun the hard work of grieving and processing.......and starting to accept what has happened....but you are still in that limbo......and instead of 4 or 5 days.......it turns into weeks and more.......and that changes how you have to deal with it all. I think you are doing amazingly well.......I also think that when all of the business is done and you can put the questions behind you........there will be a time to deal with the grief and that will be a very important time too. I just hope that you continue to take care of yourself and stay strong.......you have already proven you are a very strong person.....

happy-1 on 04/01/2022:
Hugs. Get 3 free mos of therapy online with Betterhelp through this link. https://www.bttt.run/support

Jacky82020 on 04/01/2022:
What Bear says.

I am so very sorry, Donk. This too shall pass and you are a strong woman. You shall overcome, it just takes time & tears.

As to the AM exercise, every bit helps when you can do it. 100 Cals a day burned adds up to a full pound in a month & a lot in a year.

But nothing wrong with stepping away when times are hard & you’re facing incredible heartache and uncertainty all around.

Maria7 on 04/01/2022:
You're doing well. Hang in there. Getting everything completed after your loved one passes is additional stress and takes great patience. You want to be free to simply 'grieve' (of course not simple) and not be tied up with all the a, b, and c's to what you need to accomplish to get to that place. Hard enough to deal with grief to start with...even harder having to get all the details completed that HAVE to be completed. I know... But you'll make it. Be good to yourself. Hugs!

Maria7 on 04/01/2022:
PS...I agree with BCGG above...

Donkey - Thursday Mar 31, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

Not a good start to a cold, dreary, dark, grey day in Illinois.  Woke up an hour late.  I heard my alarms, but fell back asleep.  Finally woke up enough to get out of bed at 6am, when Husband's alarm went off.

So I'm way behind in steps because no treadmill this morning.  I may walk tonight on the treadmill after dinner, even though that will probably mess up my body battery and sleep pattern.  Between you and me, I'd like to leave work early - like I wanted to yesterday EXCEPT that Male Co-Worker left at 2:30pm because he was "sick" with a cough.  He seems to be beating me out on all the time off, just like Queen Bee used to do to everyone.  I'm not sure what trick he'll play today, but he's taking Friday off to spend with his grandchildren who are off this week for Spring Break.

The "really strong" candidate that was supposed to come in yesterday to interview never showed up.  I'm not sure what happened.  It was supposed to be at 1pm, then got moved to 3pm, and then just went away after a brief closed-door session between New Guy and Boss.  There was an open conversation by the copy machine, but I was not a part of that.  Next thing I know, Boss is making rapid calls to applicants to set up interviews, leaving voice messages with them all.  It wouldn't surprise me if none of those called him back because we've waited too long.  Boss REALLY wanted New Guy to take charge on this, and he couldn't and wouldn't ask for help.  So here we are.

Eating went relatively well yesterday.  Did lower body weights.  Very tired and stressed.  A very sad day...

Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 03/31/2022:
Probably that really strong candidate got a better offer. LOL

I’m so sorry you’re having such sad days….only to be expected, but that’s little consolation, I know. HUGS, Dear Donkey

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
That's what I'm thinking too...

Sad days clouded with bad sleep are not pleasant. I actually forgot what day of the week it was today. I thought it was Monday. Said to my Daughter, "Well, I'll see you on Thursday." She said, I'll see you Saturday morning, which is when I realized my mistake.

happy-1 on 03/31/2022:
If they no showed they aren’t a strong candidate. They’d have done the interview anyway and built the relationship, seen the offer and then made their decision.

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
That's kind of what I think, and I'm sure that's what New Guy was thinking too. If you can't make it to the interview, then how reliable will you be as an employee?

happy-1 on 03/31/2022:
And you only need to hit a step goal 5/7 days a week. With your BB so low, you might need rest. You’ve had a trauma. With overtraining, you are setting yourself up for more health issues and chronic fatigue.

Lifestyle-related signs of overtraining

Prolonged general fatigue Increase in tension, depression, anger or confusion Inability to relax Poor-quality sleep Lack of energy, decreased motivation, moodiness Not feeling joy from things that were once enjoyable

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
I believe it's a daily step goal. At least that's what my Garmin graph is telling me. But I do agree that I've experienced a trauma -- which I had not thought of it in that way prior to you saying it.

You've mentioned a LOT of things to me this week, like the term "trauma", that I hadn't considered or thought of before, that I'm going to write about for Friday. It's been very helpful to me. (Including re-evaluating this whole step-goal thing, believe me.)

bearcountrygg on 03/31/2022:
All of the arrangements and plans right now are always in mind......when things get settled it will help a bit. I hope the office gets someone in there that can pull their own weight.....sounds like the candidates so far possibly weren't the right ones.......I think If I was you I would get to that schedule and sign up for a couple of days randomly....at least get your foot in the door and prevent the guy from taking up all days off every week. ((HUGS))

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
This afternoon, when I got home from work and was in the shower, I was thinking that I really need a leave of absence. But, as Mistakes Girl says, what would I do at home but sit around and be sad, and that's not good either.

HOWEVER, I think you've got some key advice there, to sign up for days off -- even if I don't end up taking them. Just sign up for them, and I can always let them go. Yep, I'm going to do that tomorrow. YEP.

happy-1 on 03/31/2022:
Omg… yes do that… with everything going on, a couple of random days off will give you flexibility. Sign up for the fridays so you have leverage to trade with others

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
Taking Fridays off will make Mondays quite painful... but I know what you're saying, and actually, it's probably the easiest day to take off, because everyone's at closings, so it's kind of quiet anyways.

I'll definitely consider this and Bear's advice.

horn_of_plenty on 03/31/2022:
sorry you slept in, it happens <3

i cannot believe how hard it is to hire someone!

i guess that's why people hire based on who they know so often.

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
The Boss made at least 2 phone calls yesterday afternoon, maybe 3 (I think it was 3 but can't say for sure). Nobody called him back today, unless it was while I was at lunch, but he was at lunch for part of my lunch so...

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