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Donkey - Wednesday Sep 16, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

I am not sure of what I weigh, as I have not weighed in the past 2 days.  Which is probably just as well.

My back has been feeling somewhat better.  The jabs of pain are not quite as frequent.  Yet, I am reminded quite often of how I still need to be careful.  I almost tried running this morning, but decided not to tempt fate.

Perhaps it is not meant to be.

I have been walking every day except Garbage Day Pick-Up Day (for the obvious reason).  And then I go to the gym later and do the bike and/or the elliptical.  I don't know how long I will be able to sustain the walking, with the colder weather approaching the Chicago area.

I try to keep busy during my days as well.  I have yardwork to do that keeps getting put off, for one reason or another.  I am knitting a lot these days too.  I am not knitting anything specific, but rather, trying different patterns of stitches to make sample swatches.  I am thinking that perhaps I could piece these swatches together and make a tote bag for my knitting supplies :-)

I have not tried to apply at any further places of employment right now.  This pains me greatly, but for right now, this is not a battle I can engage in. 

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 09/16/2009:
Yes, all emotional here too... Feel better! And knit nice scarves, I think they look so great and add some happiness to the look if you have a bright color on! :)

glycrina on 09/17/2009:
Knitting keeps you from mindless eating, or so I hear. keep your head up.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/19/2009:
so you are making all good decisions right now, and i'm glad to hear this. Don't try running now. Your back is bothering you. WAIT until your back feels FULLY better. Whenever i try to run, after i just ran the day before, my ankle is in pain for days after. It's not really worth it.

So my doctor put me on 10 mg celexa. It usually works fully at maximum better after 4 weeks but i think i am already feeling a difference since Thursday morning. I hope it's not the placebo effect, and that it's the pill that i'm paying for. it's not perfect though, and i think I will need a slightly higher dose, 20 mg in the end. I get far less anxious and i start to block the anxiety now, before it continues. Like i start to feel it, and then it subsides. I will admit i took 20mg this saturday morning, as weekends are tougher and i have a special dinner to attend tonight. (i promise not to become a drug addict, lol). i should probably have not done that, but it's only 20mg, and that is the "lowest therapeutic dose." I'll probably contact the doctor after a month and have him raise the prescription to 20mg. I wish i didn't have to wait so long to do that...

Donkey - Sunday Sep 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

No weigh-in today.  After yesterday's salty dinner and chocolate cake, why tempt fate like that?  Looking forward to another day of balance.


Went for a long bike ride this afternoon by myself.  I don't like the long shadows of autumn.

I have done well with my eating, in spite of negative feelings approaching.  Instead of having a whole piece of chocolate cake after lunch, I just finished my daughter's piece instead.

I hope to go for a short walk after dinner.  And then I would like to knit until bedtime.

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/14/2009:
hmm, so you are doing everything right now! but, maybe if it is your weigh in day, just weigh in? unless the # makes you do crazy thing....lol. you are doing good donkster! i'm glad you are having some good days lately.

grumpy on 09/14/2009:
That's cute, my sisters always eat their kids left over desserts too instead of getting their own. :)

Donkey - Saturday Sep 12, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

Just checking in for the evening.  What a day...

I was a Wedding Hostess at my church today.  This is a volunteer activity that gives me immense joy.  I love to help make people's wedding days as happy and stress free and beautiful as possible.

However, I was told beforehand that this would be an Irish wedding. (?) So I was anticipating a large wedding, steeped in tradition.  There was absolutely NOTHING Irish about the wedding.  15 people at the most (bridal party AND guests, total).  And apparently, they were already married (civilly?), so this wasn't even really a REAL wedding.  There was no license to sign because they had already done so somewhere else. 

A woman who testified at my hearing was passing through the church (to a different activity, I guess, down in the basement).  She seemed surprised to see me there and stared at me as she walked by.  I just stared right back at her, keeping a pleasant smile on my face in front of the bridal party.  I mean, like what?  You think I don't go to church?  Or that because I was charged and pled no contest that I'm automatically guilty and thus a bad person?   Or are you surprised that you and I go to the SAME church?  And that I'm actually a LOT MORE like you than you care to admit?  What?

(I was not surprised because I knew that we go to the same church.  I've seen her at Mass several times, but apparently, she has been unaware of my presence.  I long for the day when I can shake her hand  and bid her peace.  ("Peace be with you")).

Anyway, I had decided ahead of time that I would "celebrate" this wedding with a fancy cake from the bakery.  I bought a delicious chocolate cake.  I had a piece for dinner and then I went for a walk, even though it was starting to get dark. 

I had not exercised today, my back had been spasming at the wedding, and I had the chocolate cake.  I decided that it would be good to try to get in a walk.  I am so glad that I did.

I may be handicapped by my back or by my criminal conviction, but I am free and able to walk.  So I will.

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/13/2009:
you made all the right choices today. doing things for others and good things for yourself. incorporating moderation. having a slice of cake, talking a walk. great job donkey. this was a good journal entry!

Donkey - Friday Sep 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 144.5

Ohhhh I messed up my back today something baaaaad....

I decided to try to get back into running again, to help me feel ... better? more confident? significant?

I had fully intended on doing a short session of run/walk intervals.  I did a little stretching beforehand, and as I was doing one of the stretches, I thought, "Gee, I hope this one doesn't hurt my back."

Headed out the front door with a light jog and the pain started up right away.  Not a 9 or a 10 but enough to compromise my form.  I thought, "I hope I don't look funny in front of the neighbors" because I FELT funny, like I was not straight up and down.

Long story short, I ended up doing less and less running until I realized that I can no longer run with my disc as it is.  So I just kept walking, which was OK in its own way, but different.  It's just not the same.

Truth be told, I'm frustrated, angry, sad...  mostly sad that this is no longer an option for me.  I'm getting it checked by the doctor, but even if this is something I can "fix" (I've had back problems for nearly 20 years), I don't know if I will want to jeopardize it with running.  Even the elliptical is getting to be somewhat painful as well.

I can see that I am going to have to change my approach to exercise and weight loss.

Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/11/2009:
what about the bike? i know it's not the same, but you can go some distance outside...and i guess you may want to do more weights again.

i hope you feel better soon emotionally. i miss your more positive attitude. perhaps once the kids are in school for a little bit you will begin to feel better. awww, let this weekend bring you some peace and comfort. :)

mskitty on 09/12/2009:
I would totally get into swimming if your having back problems. I know I personally hate bathing suites and what not but once your in the water it doesn't matter anymore. You could also consider strength training. Build the muscles up in your back it wont fix it but it might help you be able to do those types of exercises again.

biscottibody59 on 09/12/2009:
I had what was eventually diagnosed as a compressed nerve in my lower back about 22 years ago. Sciatica was invented in the bowels of hell I'm sure;-) Anyway, riding my bike was out, I could jog, but not for long. Didn't have access to a pool.

Walking for up to three hours two or 3 times/day was invaluable in the long run. If nothing else it became a perfect distraction. I put on headphones and went--and did not question anything while I was out there--a great escape! I didn't know what effect it would have over the months, but it did the trick. (The prescription NSAIDs helped as well.)

Hope you're having a good afternoon!

Donkey - Thursday Sep 10, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 145.5

Overwhelmed with unidentifiable sadness today.  Started last night.

I did fairly well with eating until around 10:30p.  I should have gone to bed.  On a normal day, I WOULD have been in bed.  But my husband has been going to bed super-duper early to go into work early (3am).  So I don't go to bed until I am exhausted, because I toss and turn a lot trying to fall asleep.

So I was doing really well until around 10:30p.  Then I finished off the watermelon, 4 cups of it, easily.  Might have been less, but I doubt it.

I'm not sure what to do.  I just have to keep trying to get through each day as it comes.

Progress as of today: 34.5 lbs lost so far, only 15.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 09/10/2009:
Thanks sweetheart, I will be thinking about you too, so you feel better. xo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/10/2009:
donkster, it's ONLY watermelon. 4 cups is NO biggie whatsoever, only 200 calories. call yourself babe. you can do this and it is not all over! :)

mskitty on 09/10/2009:
What watermelon! Your freaked about watermelon>? Watermelon has an extremely high water content, approximately 92%. So if at any point in the day you didn't get your water in you just helped yourself out... you may even see a drop in weight because of water retention prevention. A cup of watermelon provides 24.3% of the daily value for vitamin C, and, through its beta-carotene, 11.1% of the DV for vitamin A. So if there is one food not to feel guilty about gobbling down in mass amounts watermelon is right up there along side broccoli and celery. Dont beat yourself up. And if your doing longer days tell exhaustion its probably better that you have a small meal around bed time. Some individuals rapidly burn carbohydrates, and if they are following the "don't-eat-2-hours-before-bed" rule, they often become hypoglycemic during the night, which can disrupt sleep patterns, growth hormones, and the immune system, causing them to wake up grumpy, hungry, starved, and in maximum fat-storage mode! Test yourself - if you don't eat 2 hours before bed, do you lie awake hungry at night, or tossing and turning as your appetite plows full speed ahead? Are you ravenous upon waking? If so, try a light meal before bed that mixes protein and fat. This will slow carbohydrate metabolism and leave you satisfied for a longer period of time. I recommend a small handful of almonds, walnuts, or sunflower seeds, or if you're allergic to nuts, try a few avocado slices, olives, or lean turkey breast or chicken.

mskitty on 09/10/2009:
Oh and I came here to thank you about the link it helped me find a suitable number for my calorie intake.


Donkey - Wednesday Sep 09, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 148.0

Weight is still up.  I know I should not weigh in every day. 

I did fine yesterday until after I came home from Curriculum Night at my daughter's school.  I have such problems with anything related to the schools.  Even though it was fairly positive and I felt positive after it was over....   I still succumbed to frosted mini-wheats cereal and quite a few pretzels (and more, but I won't go into it) as I was trying to "come down" before going to bed.

Anyway, today is a new day.


I wonder if I am on to something...  I have been having back problems, right?  So I have started wearing a truss or girdle or back wrap brace thingy -- kind of like what weight lifters wear, but specifically for back problems -- whatever you want to call it for several hours a day and it has really helped.

I noticed that when I wear this thing, I eat MUCH LESS.  I cannot even FATHOM bingeing while wearing my back brace.  I had a rather light lunch, and even that "sat heavy" in my tummy for most of the afternoon.

I think I will start to wear my brace around 4p, to take me through dinner and afterwards, until I am ready to get ready for bed.  Or, if I'm having a really GOOD DAY, earlier.

So I wonder, if I was wearing a figure foundation undergarment, like, Spanx or that Dr. Rey body shaper, if that would act as a deterrant to bingeing as well.  And, unlike my back wrap brace thingy, Spanx would help me to look more refined in clothing.

I dunno... something to consider, I think.  Or have I been so out of it lately that I've gone totally off the deep end?  Has Donkey finally lost it?

Progress as of today: 32 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/09/2009:
today is a new day. it's gonna talk a lot of patience and even a week before you might see any weight changes....so bare with it. you can totaly do it!

biscottibody59 on 09/09/2009:
RYC: That's my Fitday info--it will be back tomorrow (fingers crossed). The RMR (resting metabolic rate) is from shapeup.org taken from plugging in my age, weight and height. I have it there as a reminder to myself.

Have a good evening!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/10/2009:
no, i don't think you have gone off the deep end. people do all sorts of things to change their outward appearances....uh, plastic surgery! so, you couldn't be crazy for wanting to get that, after all, they sell them so why not.

but, i also hope you are not ashamed of how you look now. and if the back brace helps, by all means wear it!

Donkey - Tuesday Sep 08, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 148.0

Despite having what I thought was a good eating day, my weight is up still some more.  I have tried to do better today.

I turned in the job application that I had mentioned in previous diary entries, just to say that I did it.  The more I do it, the less scary it will be.  I do not expect to get an interview.  I'm ok with that, actually.

I did not sleep well at all last night.  My back has been twinging for several weeks.  Last night I got out the heating pad - even though my problem is disc/nerve and not muscle.  Today, I am wearing a truss or a girdle -- not a woman's girdle but a wrap to help immobilize my lower back.  I hope that this will help or I will have to get this looked at.

I went to the gym this morning and did cardio only.  I thought it best not to do weight training on the machines with my back spasing here and there.  I did only 45 minutes on the elliptical (instead of my usual hour) and then I spend some time on the recumbant bike, at a lower resistance than usual.

I would like to get into the habit of waking up early and going for a walk.  I would also like to start taking an hour to read, an hour to knit, and an hour to work outside on the yard or whatever.

Progress as of today: 32 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/08/2009:
and maybe take an hour to veg in front of the TV. You are like me, we feel a NEED to fill our time, bc if we don't, we fill it with food...seriously, i realized i do this.

it is good to plan though, it should help to curb your eating. maybe spend an hour at the library...out of your house, away from food. that has helped me MAJORLY in the past!

Donkey - Monday Sep 07, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.5

Thank you, friends, for "listening" to my problems.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support.  Even if there are no answers or solutions, it has helped me tremendously to pour out my feelings and frustrations here in this forum.

Not much planned for today's (American) holiday.  My husband is home and plans to relax because he has a hard week at work ahead.  I may go shopping to get dry goods for the kids' lunches.

I have decided to turn in the job application at the craft store regardless.  As I said in my previous entry, if they choose not to interview me, then this just means that the job - and more likely, the job environment -  is not suitable for me.  I think what the real solution is, is to return back to school and get some professional training.  And I do plan to do this, but right now, my financial situation is far too precarious to do so.

I ate very poorly last night.  All of my neighbors were outside celebrating and of course, I felt that I could not go.   So I ate instead.

Progress as of today: 32.5 lbs lost so far, only 17.5 lbs to go!

biscottibody59 on 09/07/2009:
RYC: Yeah, since I do a full body wt trng session, I always take at least two full days (72 hrs give or take an hour) between workouts. Thanks for your interest!

Have a good one!

glycrina on 09/07/2009:
Hey thanks for checking in with me. I think you should go for the job. I work in corrections and parole and most of the people I work with have really long criminal records and they still find jobs that they love. You are worth the chance and you have a lot to offer an employer.

Donkey - Sunday Sep 06, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 146.5

My stomach is revolting against all the crap that I've eaten lately.  Last night I was sick.  Today, I had a little breakfast, and I feel questionable.  Every now and then, I need something like this to happen so that I realize that I need to eat better for myself.

It has been quite trying lately.  I have thought about applying for holiday work at a local craft store.  However, they scrutinize background checks.  I have not submitted the application yet, but even if I do, I do not think I will get an interview.  It was good to fill out the application though, just to do it.

See, I normally do not list short employment.  However, since they do background checks, they would find out about my last employment, since I had my accident/arrest/conviction on the job that is related to my employment.  And because of that, I feel compelled to list my brief employment BEFORE my last employment, since that was at a police department.  Normally, I would not list either of these unsuccessful employment endeavors, as they did not last more than a couple of months.

Actually, the thing that this tells me is that this is not the job for me.  But I feel like I have to do something to bring in some money or we will have a very poor Christmas.  Maybe I should inquire at a temporary agency and see if they have openings/requests for clerical workers, since I can type.  Still, I would expect them to do a background check as well.

On the weight loss front:

I hosted a wedding yesterday at my church, and I cannot possibly gain any more weight.  My dress was so tight it did not fit properly any more.  When I came home, I changed into some shorts, and they ripped at the pocket as I tried to pull them up over my fat donkey.

Then last night, after eating ice cream, I started having my tummy problems.  I got my stomach to settle down enough to sleep, and this morning, I did not eat until I felt hungry, which was about 10a.  However, after having toast (w/peanut butter) and coffee, my stomach has felt cantankerous again.

I have decided to take 4 days off from exercising, and just rest and regroup.  Not that I will be all gung-ho to get back into it, but....  At least it's a change.

Progress as of today: 33.5 lbs lost so far, only 16.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/07/2009:
feel better! i've been having much food issues as well. i've been overexercising so that could be adding to my terrible eating.

biscottibody59 on 09/07/2009:
Sounds like it's been rough going lately--I hope you catch a break and your week improves--you deserve it!

Donkey - Friday Sep 04, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.0

I woke up this morning feeling very bloated.  My weight jumped from 144.5 yesterday to 147.0 today.  WTF...

I had my doctor's appointment today, which was rescheduled from Thursday.  It was very quick, and not painful at all, just a bit uncomfortable.  Although the doctor said that everything "looked good", she still took cells for a biopsy, which I believe is the prudent thing to do.

I had asked her if she might NOT have to have a biopsy, and she said, Yes, you might now.  But then she went ahead and did so anyway.  That's OK.

So now I wait for lab results.  But I am not worried at all.  The doctor said that my body may have fought off the virus on its own.  (insert muscle flex here)

Progress as of today: 33 lbs lost so far, only 17 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/04/2009:
wow, your body fought it off on it's own - that would be great. i feel like i don't hear anything like that often around the hospital, but i hope it is true in your particular case donkey!

sorry about your weight dilemna. please have a good weekend. did your kids start school or do they start after labor day next week? whatever the case, i hope the new school year brings you some happiness and peace.

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