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Donkey - Sunday Nov 23, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

Last time I weighed in, I was at 128.0.  I think that is a good weight for my body.  I weigh-in on Tuesdays.  So that is when I will update my "current weight".

I have been doing much better with eating & exercise.  The anxiety is still there, but I'm not dealing with it with food.  I plan on asking my therapist for a recommendation to a psychiatrist for something for that, just to take as an "as needed" basis.

The depression, though, is another story...  I think I can count the number of "feel good" days on one hand.  I don't want any medication for that though because anti-depressants make you gain a ton of weight.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/23/2008:
Hi there! Yes, I volunteer at the hospital to sit with hospice patients. The program I am involved in is called NODA (No One Dies Alone) and many hospitals have programs like it. I don't believe anyone should die alone either.

I take wellbutrin for my depression. It doesn't cause weight gain. For me, depression causes weight gain. Wellbutrin allows me to curb that depression appetite. I did take paxil, zoloft, and prozac before and those medications stimulated my appetite big time. But wellbutrin doesn't. In fact, it does a lot of good in helping me control my appetite. Wellbutrin is also used as a stop smoking medication (packaged under a different name of course) and it has been shown that people with eating disorders should NOT take wellbutrin because it does help us control those activities if we don't have an ED and if we do have an ED it might help control it too much. If you need to take an antidepressant, ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. One of the biggest signals I have that I need to go back on medicine aside from the sadness, is when I start eating and eating and eating and can't seem to stop. Trying to medicate myself with the sugar surge/caloric surge, in order to keep my mood elevated. Yes, I use food as medication to make myself feel better and it is a physical reaction to my body trying to even out the seretonin. I have a problem with seretonin distribution. And it will regulate and then I can go off the meds for a little while, but then it stops proper distribution and I have to get it regulated again. Eating to make myself feel good in my head is a sure sign that I need to get back on medication for a while.

That being said, Wellbutrin is not a weight loss drug..but for folks like me who have seretonin problems, it helps even us out so that we don't turn to food.

Glad you aren't giving up on yourself! That is very positive news!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/23/2008:
:) due to a copy and paste of my original entry which i deleted, your first comment got deleted! and, worst of all, i didn't get to read it first! only when i went to check my email did i see you had left a comment that i had not read! :( so i have NO CLUE what you wrote before bc i didn't get a chance to read it! :( as of today, i am thinking that i should suck it up and go. so that's what i'll prob do...unless some others aren't going. that's the ONLY way i will not go. i'll find out tomorrow i guess...at school.... :)

i am glad you are not dealing with the depression with food. as you can see from my diary, i'm having major issues...and have had those issues for about 1.5 years now of procrastinating and self-healing with food. but it's getting better. i can feel it...

skinnyjeans on 11/23/2008:
Good to know you are not dealing with your anxiety with food. Excellent! :) Also good to hear you have been doing much better with eating & excercise. Keep up the good work!

biscottibody59 on 11/24/2008:
Not using food to deal with your anxiety is a big ol' positive--I mean I wish we all didn't have the anxiety in the first place--but you're many steps ahead if you can keep it up. I know people who take Klonopin on an as needed basis. One friend goes with the lowest dose daily--sometimes even broken in half (I think) because apparently it can make some people quite sleepy.

Keep up the good work Donkey!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/24/2008:
i feel all of your pain, all of your sorrow. of course it's different pain and sorrow, but i can sympathize. sometimes we think life cannot get any nastier. so what do i do? i look towards others. i see how my life is precious. i find anything. seriously anything. and i choose to be thankful for what i do have.

that's what i do - not necessarily what i think you should or shouldn't do. i am sooooo working to make my life fuller, better, more at ease. and it is a challenge for sure. but if i can do it, well, i KNOW you can.

Donkey - Tuesday Nov 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

I'm still here.  My weight is up, but that's ok.  It's been a very hard month, but I haven't given up on myself.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/19/2008:
never give up!! i am so glad you are still here and writing. hope you continue to take care.

grumpy on 11/19/2008:
good, you can't give up! i wish you could see yourself in the same loving and respectful way you see us. you're way too hard on yourself. i have the same tendencies and that's why i threw that in here. may be insightful or i may be off. in any case, i am happy to hear from you and I have been having my setbacks, but then i try to manage and I am still here. hopefully i will see some weight loss till xmas. xoxo

greengirl on 11/19/2008:
Chin up, Donkey !

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/20/2008:
never, ever give up.

Donkey - Tuesday Oct 21, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 127.5

All I have to say is that it was a very trying week... But now I have learned that I have to just sit back and let things happen.

Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

selina on 10/21/2008:
Hey, thanks, Donkey. It looks like we both had a tough week. It's hard to go back to healthy living after a week like this one, but we can't afford not to. Anyway, I hope you'll have a better week, too.

You are cat person, too! Inky is a tottally black cat, but she looks grey in the picture. Your silver cat must be gourgeous!

WI3 on 10/21/2008:
And that week is now over and in the past. Fresh week now!

omahagrl on 10/22/2008:
I read in a book recently that "my life is not as bad as my mind thinks it is" I have to step outside myself to see the big picture at times. The one exercise that has been helping is to start realizing when I am becoming negative and think why and how it happened. Come to find out sometimes after I get upset at hubby when I stop and think about it I realize it was nothing to be upset about. I am hoping these moments will help me stop being negative before it starts. Have a wonderful day and again thank you for all your support.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/24/2008:
:) i learn to sit back and let some things happen too. for instance, i do not usually get a perfect hundred on tests...and there isn't a reason to be happy with a grade in the 90s, is there!? :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/24/2008:
haha, i meant a reason not to be happy! lol

WI3 on 11/05/2008:
Peeping in to say hi and that I've been thinking about you. Hope you are well =)

greengirl on 11/07/2008:
Hey Donkey, how are things with you girl ??

Donkey - Tuesday Oct 14, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 124.0

Just weighing in for the week. I'm not all that dissatisfied with the number. Initially it said 123.5 (2x) but the third time it registered at 124.0. And then it said that 2 more times. So that is the number I will go with.

I will continue my plan of not tracking calories (except dinner and protein) for the upcoming week. The peace of mind is ... freeing (is that even a word?) ... and as long as my weight is stable, then I think the trade-off is worth it.

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/14/2008:
Hey, I will be careful. This one I am doing is not just juice, you also eat fruits, veggies and a little cottage/ww bread. But I will follow it strictly and will stop if I don't feel ok.

As for J, yes, that's the idea. It's actually breaking the circle, because he may not miss me and want to come back, so I can't count on it. Especially now with a new girl around him. Bad timing, I wish I cut him off while there was no one else for him to go out with. Oh well.

I REALLY wish he misses me, It will hurt so much more if he goes off with this girl and move on...

skinnyjeans on 10/14/2008:
My scale changes, too! It's frustrating. Anyway, have a great Tuesday! :)

grumpy on 10/15/2008:
Yea, you know, I ordered the cleanse kit online and found it at my door the morning after a night of crying and deciding to cut him off. I thought that was a sign. Thanks.

biscottibody59 on 10/15/2008:
RYC: No need to apologize Donkey. Thank you for your kind sentiment on my mother's passing.

I hope your plan continues to work for you--you'll probably know pretty quick if you have to go back to counting something. (Freeing is a perfectly good word.)

Have a good one!

WI3 on 10/15/2008:
I think that is great that you are getting confident and comfortable with what you are doing. YAY!

WI3 on 10/20/2008:
Thanks to YOU I have my treadmill back! YAY, Go Donkey! lol I hope you are doing well, and that you've been able to get back on track after the weekend. GOD they are hard! take care!

Donkey - Sunday Oct 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 122.0

I don't know what I weigh. I haven't gotten on the scale since Wednesday, when I weighed 126.5. I probably don't weigh too much less than that now, but that is irrelevant.

I've stopped counting calories for the most part, except for my dinner calories. I've stopped measuring food except for my morning peanut butter (because it's sooo easy for me to go over), my coffee creamer (ditto on the overdo), and my lunch protein (to make sure I get enough protein).

I make sure I drink 3L of water a day. More is fine, less does not meet my goal, but so far, so good.

I am using a common sense approach to food. I know what to eat and what not to eat. Eventually the "what not to eat" will become "what to eat in moderation" but I'm not at that point yet.

I use the feel of my wedding rings to monitor my "progress" or "status". (Not sure what to call it yet.) For example, yesterday I could tell that my weight was higher because the rings were tighter than usual. Sure enough, PMS started last night. And, er, there were some bathroom issues that needed to get resolved, which they were today. But that didn't stop me from enjoying a big bowl of (pre-planned) air-popped popcorn last night.

I have had no urges to binge, although today is Day 5 (binge-free) and that is the longest that I have been able to go binge-free. But I think it will be different this time, because I have not restricted calories so much afterward.

The next step will probably be to work on the exercise issue.

Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/12/2008:
Congrats on making it 5 days!! Keep it up! What type of excercise do you like? I've just been walking lately..it's so easy. :)

MattsGirl16 on 10/12/2008:
You are doing good! Have a wonderful day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/12/2008:
hmm, this entry sounds positve to me. so that's good. haha, pos-wot. i get the POS...but what is WOT? yeah, life can be so fun and at the same time some of us choose to get stuck on the stupid things and become miserable. (me)

WI3 on 10/12/2008:
Very good common sense, Donkey! And congrats on the binge-free streak..keep going!

grumpy on 10/12/2008:
I am like that too, i work on one thing at a time, either exercise or diet first and the other next. seems overwhelming to start all at the same time. Good job for being binge free. Think about me and do my 'whatever" face, dont forget the hands. :)


greengirl on 10/13/2008:
Hey Donkey, I was reading your post and planning a comment when I scrolled down and saw that WI3 Had made the comment for me. So ditto what WorkingIt said above, and stick my name on it :) By the way, we are still having bloody awful weather on our side of the big pond, interspersed with the odd golden sunshine beautiful autumn day. I can 'do' cold and dry, but I'm sick of the damn rain !!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/13/2008:
WOT = waste of time.

just make sure that you are not a waste of time. and i know you don't think that. please girl, if you need to speak out on whats bothering you, feel free.

just so you know, my mom is making my living at home HORRIBLE! on purpose. i KNOW that in the back of her head, she wants me to leave. she would do that. my dad, he's ok with the current living arrangements. hmmm. i'll have to deal with her these next two years...then i'm out!

Donkey - Monday Oct 06, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 122.0

I was rewarded for my no-binge weekend with a 2lb gain on the scale. Yes, up yet another pound! That must be one big bathroom moment churning inside me, Grumpy!

Anyway, the reason why I am posting today, right now, is because I am feeling a STRONG urge to take a spoon and go get a half-gallon ice cream container out of the freezer in the garage.

So I thought if I wrote about it instead, I'd feel stronger. And I do. So now I will sign-off, put dishes away, and start dinner. If I am hungry or "munchie" I have carrot sticks I can chew on.

And hopefully my weight will reconcile itself one way or the other by tomorrow. THIS SUCKS.

Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/06/2008:
i love this entry. i have found that a yogurt for the past two days is nice after dinner. a greek plain yogurt with sugarfree jelly and a little cinnamon. it's the "sweet" we sometimes want after dinner!

WI3 on 10/06/2008:
I Love Lucy, ROCKS! glad you had a good visit with your mom =) that is great news!

Yes, I am excited that my treadmill is almost back in working order..thanks to YOU for the suggestion to visit the Treadmill Doctor! YAY! Go Donkey! lol

Have a lovely evening!

greengirl on 10/08/2008:
Keep out of the ice cream !!!!! Don't despair about the weight gain. It will just be some natural bodily thing going on. And honestly, I dont want to know about your forthcoming bathroom moment Lol !!! Fight the good fight, Donkey :)

Donkey - Sunday Oct 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Afternoon Edit: First of all, let me thank all who have commented for your super supportive replies. I cannot tell you how much your positive input has uplifted me and kept me steady today.

My mother just left, and it was a good visit. So why do I feel like eating all the peanut butter and ice cream in the house? I do not know why. So I had my frozen banana treat that I prepared ahead of time for tonight, but if I need/want it now, have it now. It will fend off any binge that can come from too much self-denial.

And I am writing to you all about my feelings, so I have some self-validation of my feelings. (Writing things out helps me feel validated and organized.)

And then I am going to make myself a cup of tea and go upstairs - away from the kitchen and computer - and rest and watch reruns of I Love Lucy. :-) Uplifting, light and funny.


I was about to write and complain about my weight when I realized, "Hey, it's OK!" :-)

You see, on Saturday, I weighed 120.0. Nice number! I like that number!

But I fought tooth and nail like the devil was after me (and maybe he was!) the urge to sugar binge. OMG. I've noticed that I usually go 3-4 days and then I have a sugar binge episode. And last night was the end of Day 4.

Today is Day 5 of no-bingeing. So again, I will fight with all my strength not to go down that path today/tonight. And I will have to, as my mother is stopping by for an hour or 2 to visit, on her way home from visiting my grandparents. So it will be HARD to resist. I will have to show my donkey strength today, that's for sure!

But I like to think that the longer I can go between bingeing episodes, the better I will be. Heck, if this would be IT and I could stay "sober" that would be WONDERFUL! That is my ultimate goal.

But back to my supposive "rant": I really really really tried so hard last night NOT to binge, and I was successful at it. And how was I rewarded? With a one pound GAIN on the scale today!!! >:-[

But now looking at Friday's entry, I see that I am actually still down 0.5lb. So what the h*** am I complainin' about? :-)

I'm doing good. Hang in there Donkey!

(And yes, logically, I do realize how stupid it is to be freaking out over one **** pound! Trying NOT to get sucked into the numbers game, but right now, I can fight only one battle, and bingeing is the bigger battle of the 2. So please be kind and patient with Donkey for her temporary insanity.)

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/05/2008:
Don't worry about the scale...you did a GREAT thing by not caving in last night! Keep up the good work!!!

loveray on 10/05/2008:
congrats! hang in there and try not to punish yourself...it's likely the LB is just water weight. take care and be well. xoxo

biscottibody59 on 10/05/2008:
Hey, I'd like 148--the target I set to start jogging seriously again!

I agree, you're doing good--keep up the good work!

WI3 on 10/05/2008:
Waaahooo....hang in there! I think it is great that you are counting the days of your non-sugar attacks. That is very important. Being one to struggle greatly with a particular type of sweet, I know the struggle! Have a great day, Donkey =)

greengirl on 10/05/2008:
Hurray !! Today you sound much more like the Donkey I know and Love !! Fight the good fight, Girlie :)

grumpy on 10/05/2008:
Oh you crazy donkey!!! hahahahaha. I wont even comment on your fit about one pound. Girl, one pound is nothing and it's more than a normal variation. I mean, if you pooped 1/2 of what you usually poop that's your one pound right there. maybe some water before weighting in.. etc... come on!! go watch your I love lucy you wacko. hahaha I love you. xo

Donkey - Friday Oct 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.5

New month... My weight has pretty much stabilized around 121, give or take. Here we go into another weekend, so I thought I'd check in. You may or may not recall but weekends are very difficult for me. And Husband is working 12 hour shifts today (Friday - "date night") and Saturday.

I was going to say more, but I'm having problems being coherent. Need more coffee, I'm afraid!!! Donkey runs on auto-pilot in the mornings, I'm afraid! :-)

Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/03/2008:
Have a great weekend! I need coffee too...

Moody2 on 10/03/2008:
Hi! Sipping coffee right now! Want some? LOL

Wishing you a great day!

greengirl on 10/03/2008:
I'm sending my best wishes for the weekend for you, and make sure you keep out of the sugar. It is BAD !! I wish I could take my own advice :) Seriously, i will be thinking about you, Donkey and hoping you can stay strong !

WI3 on 10/04/2008:
OMG Donkey, I have to say that I HATE these stupid long shifts that Brian works. The nights AND the fact that they ALWAYS turn into 12 hour days. If I see him four times a month now, I'm lucky. I had thought about moving in together with him but we wouldn't see each other any more than we do now. I'd just have his stuff around LOL. Add to it the fact that we can't even TALK for longer than a few minutes at a time...geeze I don't even know him anymore.

Thanks for the comment on my diary. I am such an emotional person that I HAD to get myself back on track using simple science and mathmatics. It is the only way I can really keep focus. One day, I will be at my goal weight and then join you in the struggle to maintain.

What are you up to this weekend to make yourself feel good? I'm going to probably clean out my refrigerator..yeah I'm weird, stuff like that makes me feel good LOL

starfish on 10/04/2008:
great job keeping yourself at goal!

Donkey - Monday Sep 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Well, it looks like I'm ending the month the same way I started the month, but I am hoping that I have the sugar bingeing under control.

Ironically enough, when I focus my anxieties on food, I don't worry so much about what's happening to me in Real Life.

I'm just forever grateful that I survived the weekend without eating my weight in sugar. I hate that. I'm hoping this means I have a good pattern (habit) started here...

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

WI3 on 09/29/2008:
Congratulations on the good weekend. I know that takes a lot to survive a weekend like that! Have a good day =)

Bleste on 09/29/2008:
yes, I have been told to do this by my Dr. :)

Thank you ever so much.


greengirl on 09/29/2008:
Well done on the good weekend, and good luck for the coming week. I'm also sending you a hug and my best wishes from the UK **HUG**

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/29/2008:
i know you do! :)

loveray on 09/29/2008:
im glad that your sugar binges seem to be subsiding. mine are less severe, but still having major cereal cravings at some times. i know we will make it through!!

Donkey - Friday Sep 26, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 123.0

Yesterday, my therapist asked me if I had gained weight.

I had just come down from 126 to 123, after my latest binge.

I didn't think 3.5lb would show, but apparently I was wrong.

So now this is all I can think about, is that I must look fat, because why else would he say anything about it?

But I will ask for clarification at my next appointment, next Friday.

I feel sick. And sad. And tired.

Progress as of today: 21 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/26/2008:
maybe she didn't notice and was just asking to see how you are doing??? you lost weight...isn't 126 to 123 a loss?? yes, i do think you should talk to her. but listen, don't rely on other people's opinions about your body affect your own happiness. what is up with that? is there something you are upset about besides this?

WI3 on 09/26/2008:
I think your therapist may have meant that as a good thing. You may have been looking a little wan due to all you are going through..and you did drop a lot of weight. I really don't think he would say something like that in a negative way.

I hope you don't feel sad for too long..but seriously I know how you feel about someone saying something and then picking it apart until you feel broken..because it just HAD to mean something bad..for some reason I always feel like someone is saying the negative stuff..but mostly it is because I want to believe the worst about myself ...that is such a hard thing to break. UGH!

Don't beat yourself up. It is self-sabatoge.

biscottibody59 on 09/27/2008:
Unless you're going to therapy for an eating disorder and the goal is to gain weight--is it any of his f-----g business? My first thought would be to call him a big ol' dumba** or stick to the subject of the therapy--if not. Men/women/discussing HER weight--not usually a good mix anyway. Having said that, my good neighbor always remarks on my looks--weight up or down. Half the time he's wrong--I've gained, when he thinks I've lost. I play along because to be honest, what he thinks isn't going to affect me all that much, but it's good natured, I know where he's coming from and I actually appreciate that he notices. Not to mention that he's REALLY a GOOD neighbor, and I try to reciprocate.

It's the overall picture you should focus on. If you respect this man as a therapist, it should be all good or at least mostly good:-) Hope the therapy is moving you forward!

greengirl on 09/27/2008:
I'm sorry he said that to you, but if your therapist is a man, I'm surprised he noticed anything at all. My husband seems to have failed to notice that I've gained 35. Either that or he's just too scared to mention it , in case I break his legs or something. I think I'd give the therapist the benefit of the doubt though and think, like WI does, that he meant it as a good thing. If he is helping you in other ways you should persevere and hope that soon you are feeling less sad.

grumpy on 09/28/2008:
Come on my friend Donkey, do you think that if a person asks you if you gained weight it means you look FAT? at 123? Are you kidding me (and more importantly, yourself?) Maybe instead of having your therapist come clean about it next time, you should spend that time and energy discussing with him/her your vision about yourself. i am sure you look great, 123 or 118 or whatever. what you need to get the bottom of is your anxiety. sorry about the tough love, but i get it a lot too and even though it's not fun, it's good for me and i get it only from people who truly care. hang in there, i would kill to be at your weight. xoxo

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