I have decided to change things a bit about my postings:
1. I need to have some accountability for what I do over the weekends, so I will be posting my weigh-ins here on Mondays.
2. I have problems with eating on Friday nights, so I will most likely be posting here then as well, because it's better to blog than to binge.
3. I will probably post over the weekends as well. Even though it tends to be quiet here on weekends, I get lonely -- especially if my husband is working late -- and weekends can be difficult because my time is unstructured, too.
My kids start school today, so my entire workout & eating schedule is off. I've got to figure out how I'm going to fit in gym workouts and running workouts and weight training into the time that I have available. I'm up at 5:15a and the kids don't need to get up until 6:45a. That's a lot of time, but it is dark and chilly outside, so running outside isn't very appealing. Hmm... Maybe on my running days, I will go to the gym super early so that I can run after the kids have left.
I also have to figure out what I'm going to do about lunchtime, because I tend to have lunch and then keep eating, and eating, and eating. So if it means I have to go back to the gym to stop myself from over-eating, then so be it. (It's cheaper than going shopping.)
Today, since it is the first day of school, I am going to the gym after they leave and see how it goes with with just doing everything in one visit. Honestly though, unless it's to prevent a binge, I cannot $$ afford to be driving to the gym 2x a day. Yes, it's only 7 miles away, but that adds up when it comes to fuel costs.
Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
HERE I AM!
Essentially my weight is the same. It's been up a little higher, but now all the ice cream is gone in the house so that won't be an issue for me any longer (for now).
I feel much better with the numbers in the 11* rather than the 12*. So I'm going to work to keep it that way. I'm eager for the kids to go back to school so that I can have the day to do what I want to do in the gym instead of having to rush rush rush.
Tonight is the kids' school open house where we go and meet the teachers, get their school supplies settled, etc. I am absolutely DREADING this. Major anxiety attack. All those eyes, the parents, the teachers -- all those children.
So I'm vowing to hold my head up high, go in there feeling "sexy" (see previous entry) and give anyone who gives me any s*** a "Who Gives A F***" attitude right back at them.
Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
The trouble is, if we don't confront that side of ourselves and start to make peace with it, we will have a much harder time functioning in life as a result and it could lead to destructive behavior(s).
I applaud you for taking the steps you've been taking to confront this. Reading your entries you say a lot, with little words. But I feel you and I know where you are coming from.
An exercise my psychiatrist had me do once when I was first confronting my childhood abuse, was to find a picture of myself as a little girl and tell myself that I forgive myself as a child for not being able to take care of myself and prevent things. It was an odd request but I was so desperate to have this monster off my back that I did it. She then told me after I did that, to find a picture of my abuser and burn it, put my girl photograph and the charred remains of the other, together in a box and bury them. She didn't tell me WHY to do that, as it was important that I find what it means to ME by doing that. And I did find the meaning and the significance I needed.
This isn't to say that a few tricks and stuff makes everything go away. Things that hurt us in our developmental years, sometimes create deep wounds that take a very long time to heal and some that seem to be healed, but are always just under the surface. And weird things trigger them. And we search for ways to control our lives where nobody can take control...and one of those biggest ways is through eating and exercise. Over or under on either or both. Working through things is what we need to do, and we need to not be afraid to let go of the time when we weren't in control and realize it was not within our power at that time. That way we don't turn inward and destroy ourselves.
Events have the power to continue to destroy us if we don't seek help and learn to let some things go and not continue the destruction in other ways. I woke up one day and realized I had given someone far too much of my life and I wanted it back. Not just bits and pieces..I wanted ME back. And when I came back, my mother said she hadn't seen the real ME in many, many years.
It also involved forgiving the person who caused the most harm. Not because he deserved to be forgiven, but I had to break the control he had over me (even in death) and the only way to cut him loose is by making peace with what happened. I also visited his grave and told him he was done and could not have anymore of my life. All those little things that seem odd to most, but to those of us who survive...are essential.
You found a way to maintain control of something in your life, your diet and exercise. And as long as it remains healthy instead of a way to protect real issues that need to be handled in other ways, I am happy for you. I often think of a verse in the Bible that my brother shared with me...I'm not overly religious but it went something like
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Sometimes the only way to get better and heal is to reopen those wounds and walk through hell again in order to face our fears and stand up to them.
You have alluded to things that have happened in your life that have rocked you hard and left lasting, damaging memories. I am not sure what happened, and it isn't any of my business. But I though I would share my experience with you and maybe something can be taken from it that might help give you strength.
Take care, Donkey!!
(I'm not sure where to put my edits, if I should put them on top, to keep it current, or on the bottom so that you have to read through the whole entry...)
MID-DAY EDIT: I had a great workout today. I did a longer run today, which I'm really proud of, although I didn't do as well as I had hoped because I was not properly fueled from yesterday. That is to say, if I had eaten more carbs yesterday, I would have done better on my run today. Still, it was a good run.
I have come to the conclusion that even though I may not like the number on the scale, if I can be confident in myself and comfortable in my own skin, then that is what is more important to me than some dumb number. I know I'm holding onto some water weight, either from Monday's Ice Cream Encounter (ruh-roh!) or PMS or from exercising, and it's just maddening to see the numbers up higher than I would like.
I started to think about what I find attractive in other people. And one of the major things that I find very "sexy" is self-confidence. A person doesn't necessarily have to be aesthetically beautiful to be attractive or desired (meaning, people want to hang around you), i.e. "sexy".
I am thinking that if one exudes self-confidence, then people take what that person does or has to say more seriously than someone who comes across as some basketcase or nervous wreck. And I'm sorry to say, but when one is so obsessed with numbers (calories, weight, reps, miles, etc.), that cannot possibly come across as being desirable.
That's not to knock the tracking of calories here or what we do. That's more of an accountability thing, which is a helpful tool in weight loss. I'm talking about dysfunctional thinking patterns, where it's all-consuming.
OK, I think I'm treading on thin ice here, and I don't want to insult the purpose of this website, so I will end this here. What I have said is mostly for my own insight and not meant as a criticism of anyone else's posts or journey or struggles.
All is well.
***********************************
MORNING POST:
It's the middle of the month so I thought I'd report my weigh-in even though I'm not very happy with the numbers.
Everything seems to be "on hold" until the last week of August, when the kids start school again. I am so eager for them to go back so that I can have more time at the gym to do weight training. As it is now, I have to hurry up and get my cardio done so I can get home before my husband leaves for work (or shortly thereafter), with no time to use the weight machines.
I am already imagining using the free weights and benches in the "Man Section" of the gym to really work on my legs and upper body.
Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
Have a good day!
CONGRATULATIONS on the workout! I LOVE those days when you hit it hard and you just KNOW you did some good! YAY!
right now free weights,sometimes abs, and pushups always are helping me. feel free to offer any other fitness advice.
i think self confidence is attrative too. i know i am definitely calorie/weight/diet obsessed. i helps me feel sane, even though it's not healthy. that's like an oxymoron!
OK, since I read that others are having problems... I thought it'd be best to be HONEST with myself and with all of you and post my weight number.
I had an encounter with some ice cream last night. A lot of ice cream.
But it was not a total defeat. Even though the numbers are up and all that blah blah blah, today is the First Day EVER that I have felt that I have the balance between carbs and protein and exercise and portions IN BALANCE and UNDER CONTROL.
This is like a huge victory for me because I tend to be a black-white sort of person, and what I really need in my life is to learn how to live with the grey.
I can only hope that tomorrow goes as well. I plan to use today's menu as a template for the future. Especially for some very trying days, which I have ahead of me soon. This I know for certain.
Progress as of today: 23.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!
Just checking in with a weigh-in. *sigh*
Stuck. Very stuck.
Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!
feel better donkey. thanks for your helpful comments. i hope i do end up meeting someone good online. it has been getting better :)
Do you think I'm freaking out????? THIS is what eating frozen watermelon at 9p will do to your numbers on the scale. UGH!!!!
Woke up feeling VERY puffy today. Just call me the Puff Donkey (or P-Donkey, I suppose, eh?).
I hope to update this entry later on today with something more substantial to say.
Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!
well, watermelon is filled with healthy water and some sugar! so, it's normal for the water to bloat you a bit if you eat a lot of it late. but, it's totally healthy so stop it!!! don't go totally by the scale. i think you are a bit addicted to the scale, actually. i remember when i get addicted to weight and start weighing myself every day, that's not good. now, i can tell if i'm up or down just by how i feel. i do like to weigh myself when i know i am down, but i am not at all addicted to the scale. if you weigh yourself once per day, that's good but i'd recommend you take an average of your weights for the week to see if you are really up/down. so, average 7 days and see where you are week to week. that's what i'd do.
i am STILL doing pushups and i love them so! thank you thank you thank you! I like how they make my shoulders look BROADER. it makes me look more athletic. yay! :)
Several things to talk about:
1. I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago and he knows about these issues I have with food and weight. I try not to give them too much of the therapy sessions because that's not what's REALLY bothering me. The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems.
2. It's not about the numbers. Ha ha - sometimes I forget this, as you saw in yesterday's post. I hit a really low point yesterday, and that's when the numbers (calories, weight, exercise, etc.) kind of take over my brain. Total defense mechanism, but I can't go there. Or if I do, I have to make sure I don't stay there too long or turning around will be harder and harder.
3. Being thin doesn't count if you're not healthy & happy. This kind of repeats #2 listed above, but more compactly and precisely. I should have a bumper sticker that says that.
As you can see, my numbers (ha ha) are up today, but that is probably because of the ice cream that I had last night. I seem to be making Friday nights sort of a Treat Night, where I have an indulgence or 2. I had 1/2 cups (give or take) of 3 or 4 of the flavors of ice cream that we have here in the house. I'm not replacing them once they are finished. Time to get that **** out of the house.
OK -- this post has already started to become WAY too involved in food and numbers and weight. So I'm ending it here. It stops now.
Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!
Exactly. And some of us use food to protect us from our problems and go the OTHER way, which is gaining weight. You did work very hard to lose the weight and you did it during some very, very stressful times, and you were successful. So it is only natural that you would return to what you did that you feel very good about, and have that control, even when you know it might be a bit too much. Your weight and what you put in your mouth, or don't put in your mouth, are things that nobody can control or take away from you. My sister does the same thing but does it with eating too much food and not exercising. To her, being obese is what SHE wants...so because she is obese, she is therefore in control of her life. Even though she isn't happy and knows it isn't good for her.
Hang in there Donkey, you will eventually break through your real reasons and regain more control of parts of your life that you feel you can't right now. For whatever reason.
I am really very happy to see someone addressing the OTHER side of weight obsession, and so openly. In reality, overeating/underexercising and overeating/overexercising, are in a parallel universe. I am glad you are seeing the therapist..maybe it won't be so scary getting to the other side. Take care =)
anyways, back to you. what you wrote up there, the points you listed, are good. it shows you are striving to focus on your internal health. keep it up!
I cannot possibly describe how strong the desire is to see a lower number on the scale. Throw me a bone: 115, 114.5.... 113 would be such a pretty number.
I'm tired of seeing 116. Blah.
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
Now that you have done so well, why not just maintain where you are and move on to thinking about other things...other things to DISTRACT your mind with instead of the scale? My Hubby threw out my scale last month cause he was concerned about me and while I am not saying for you to do likewise, I AM saying that you really need to think this through...and take good care of yourself in the meanwhile. ~Love, Maria
Oh wait,116 lbs? Girl you are slim!
:D
It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK...
One of those days...
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
I seem to have stabilized at around 116. Lately, I have been feeling very large. I swear, last night, I thought that certain body parts had gotten noticeably larger within the last week or so. I don't think so.
I need to learn how to deal with anxious feelings. My husband is such a calm and cool guy on the outside in most situations. Me, on the other hand, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm so transparent.
This here nerdy Donkey needs to work on being one cool racehorse. Or at least coming across like one.
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
As for your comment to me yesterday, we may very well be sharing the same man, because mine is really cute too. he's just not really 'mine', dang it!!!!!
YOU ARE NOT BIG...you are small. You are very small. You are so small that you were worried about your small self. The anxious feeling is probably just making you feel bigger, freaking you out and all that stuff.
I do, however, understand that people with distorted body image or distorted eating, also have that feeling. And that sometimes when your life seems totally out of control, if the only thing you feel good at controlling is your weight, sometimes it becomes an obsession because it feels good to master the weight loss. And it can happen to anyone. I think we all have obsessions, and some of them can be weight control.
You are not big. You may have parts of yourself that you don't like, we all do. Right now the part I don't like is my whole body.
Hang in there Donkey...and don't pretend anything. =)
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Sounds like you've got a good plan, there, Donkey. Good luck and have a great day!
oldschool on 08/25/2008:
no offense but I can put anything I want in my diary.
grumpy on 08/25/2008:
good plan. i need to get my s*** together. argh. xo.
oldschool on 08/25/2008:
WHY THANK YOU DONKEY! I am glad you see things my way.
Beth201P on 08/25/2008:
Sounds like a good plan to me. You will do great. I need to sit down and do some planning of my own. Have a wonderful week.
WI3 on 08/26/2008:
You are an absolute sweetheart..thank you very much
grumpy on 08/27/2008:
time to post again. we miss you!