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Donkey - Monday Mar 02, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

So now my weight tracker reflects a maintenance range.

I am saddened that some of my supportive DD's are not going to post any more.  I understand.  I tend to agree as well.   But I will miss your comments and support.  Please know that I have learned a lot from you(s), and I am forever grateful for your honesty and input.

My hope is that you will change your mind and come back.  But if that doesn't happen -- and I understand -- then my next greatest hope is that you will come back to read entries and I will make you proud with my progress and somehow inspire you in your goals as well.

****EDIT:  I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to WI3 before she left.  I give you a cyber hug and wish you well on your journey. I am so sorry to hear of the recent losses you have suffered, as well as the health complications that have arisen on your horizon.  Please know that I will think of you often.  Kind of hard not to, when I visit this site.  I hope ....  well, please know that even if you are not posting on your own diary that your comments are always (ALWAYS) welcomed here.


Today was the first day of changing up my weight training schedule.  Still a little too cold for my liking to be running outside.  I also cut my cardio in half.  I'm interested to see where this month's experiment takes me :-)

Progress as of today: 3.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

biscottibody59 on 03/02/2009:
Hope your new plans all work out!

Nope. I'm not going anywhere--and if humanly possible, I'll be here for awhile--I'll always let you or anyone else know if I leave on purpose:-)

Have a good evening!

legcramps on 03/03/2009:
Way too cold up here, too. Winter. Argh.

iWant2BSkinny on 03/03/2009:
Hope this all goes well!!! Have a GREAT day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/03/2009:
i will miss the fellow DDers too. it's such a great site, so much support. i always hate for DDers to leave. there are a few i still miss very much for years past. :(

have a great evening...i'm very proud of you!

Donkey - Saturday Feb 28, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 132.5

I thought I would have one more entry before this fabulous month is over.

and it was a fabulous month.  I had only 1 out-and-out binge, which was in response to a specific, stressful event.  I have identified that I have "fear of the unknown" or as my new therapist says, "Fear of Fear" and I will be working on specific action-oriented techniques that I can do to help me keep that under control, so that i don't let it control me! (and my eating!)

I'm working on some new goals for March and beyond.  I want to list them here, as a "working list".  That is to say, I'm not going to work on all of them for March, but it will be helpful to put it out there.  Kind of like, thinking aloud.

So in no particular order:

  • Give up the skinny dream & stay within 130-135 - no more weight loss.
  • Focus on definining my ab muscles.
  • Change upper/lower body weight training rotation.
  • Start running outdoors again.
  • Decreasing my daily cardio from 60 minutes to 30 minutes (mainly in regards to the elliptical).
  • Find a direction or something I want to take on in life. (I think like Horn of Plenty, I need to go back to school.)

Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 2.5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/28/2009:
Great Goals to strive to accomplish..... Rootin' ya on!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/01/2009:
i am totally with you this march. :)

even on going back to school! there are a lot of good fields you can go into, particularly in health care, that are open to you. :) what do you plan to go back for??

i can't wait to exercise outdoors. i did yesterday but it was sorta chilly. still good to be out with nature though.

grumpy on 03/01/2009:
So happy to read your entry and see your attitude. I am always thinking and cheering for you. xoxo

WI3 on 03/01/2009:
Donkey, you get nothing but love from my corner girl. You have been through some stuff, heavy stuff, and you are a fighter. And my biggest wish for you is that one day you will be able to exhale and enjoy everything you have fought so hard to attain in your lifetime, including your beautiful family. Right now I am having trouble seeing the forest for the trees, and yet my kids keep growing, they keep changing, nothing stays the same and it is like life is passing me by while I am trying to get a grip on the past. Little by little I am letting go of the past even though it has been my security blanket because time sort of stopped in my head during those times. But life was supposed to be lived otherwise I would be dead already. So I am going to go live that life and take that big leap of faith and hope that when I put my foot down in 'now' and 'future' that the sidewalk will be there waiting. Good luck to you, don't be overexercising and hurting yourself anymore! *wink* **hug**

thinnside40 on 03/01/2009:
Love You....Keep yer chin up & stay strong... Your going to make it.....{{{Hugs for a lifetime

omahagrl on 03/02/2009:
Hey did you get that snow I sent you :-) I love your entry especially the no more weight loss...Ahhh one day I will say that!

Donkey - Friday Feb 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.0

The weight's back up into maintenance range, and that's good.   I'm much happier and healthier here.

I plan on starting up running again in March, once the weather gets nice.  We had a nice day yesterday but it rained.  Today it's not raining but it's very cold and slick (icy) outside.  Great.  Well, I know that Spring will be here soon.

I don't plan on doing long runs this summer.  Just nice short 2-3 mile stints to keep my foot in the game.  My arch (injured foot) is kind of hurting today though.  So I don't know....

I'm still a work in progress...

Progress as of today: 13 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

Maria* on 02/27/2009:
Thank you for telling me. I had no idea what she meant.

I'm glad you're doing good and feeling good with where you are in your goalweight. I remember what that feels like....I'm working to getting there AGAIN and hope that I stay there this time!!!

Big smile to you!!!

legcramps on 02/27/2009:
Glad you're feeling good, and hope you're spring comes soon so you can get out there and enjoy the fresh air! Have a good weekend!

thinnside40 on 02/27/2009:
WE are ALL a work in progress my dear.... Taking 1 day @ a time is all we can do... Have a great weekend!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/28/2009:
i don't think there's anyone who isn't a work in progress. that's the nature of the beast. we all try hard to improve ourselves no matter how glorious other people think we might be on the outside. i like your plans for summer. exercise doesn't have to be torturous to have it's benefits. :)

haha_love2laugh on 02/28/2009:
Glad your up to the weight you want to be!! keeping it there is the hard part.

omahagrl on 02/28/2009:
Hope you don't see the snow!

Donkey - Wednesday Feb 25, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 128.0

I know that today's weigh-in is a fluke because I did not eat so much for dinner last night.  So that's the secret for a successful weigh-in, I guess.  Not really, and if today hadn't been Ash Wednesday, I probably would have eaten more today.


Progress as of today: 16 lbs lost so far, only -2 lbs to go!

Maria* on 02/26/2009:
Good morning to you!

omahagrl on 02/26/2009:
Bad news...snow will be in Omaha on Friday night...We missed the one hitting to the north today but we hopefully this weekend will be the last snow fall!

legcramps on 02/26/2009:
Stay strong and make the decisions you need to make to ensure a healthier you.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/26/2009:
i presume you were busy today, running all around. so i presume you got ashes?? so many people get them...like half the population around this neck of the woods. nice weigh in! i mentioned the guy today in my entry. he totally doesn't seem to mind anything i do...meaning i take it that he doesn't think i'm annoying or that he doesn't want me to text or even call him. so i don't know his deal though. once he said something to the effect that he's in fl and i'm in NY. and also something like he was flattered...but nothing ever else. that those things he said were over a year ago. i don't get him. but i think he only sees me as a friend. i wish he would just come out and say it.

loveray on 02/27/2009:
i hope you are doing well. have a great weekend!! xoxo

Donkey - Tuesday Feb 24, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

This morning (Tuesday), I weighed in a pound heavier - 132.5 - and I'm not sweating it (duh!). 

But I didn't do too well today.  So I expect that my weight will be accurately reflected by the weight tracker tomorrow.

I met with my new therapist today.  He's very results oriented, which is good. 

He's very focused on giving his clients the tools that are needed to cope with emotions.  He's not so much interested in WHY the emotions are there.  He's very focused on identifying patterns of behaviors (for example, if I were someone who continually chose abusive men for partners) and then using those tools to break those patterns.

This is just what I need for where I'm at, because in the past 2 months, I have been able to identify the motivation behind some of these patterns.  But I need more than to say, "Oh this is why I do that".  I need something that will help me say, "Uh oh, I'm headed in that direction, let's make a better choice."

However, I'm not sure he can help me with all of my issues.  I have a particular issue that I need to forgive myself for, but it is just so inherently evil to me that I don't see how I can.  That is to say, I would find this so awful in someone else; and now that it's me, I have to deal with that awfulness myself.

(Just so you are not worried, it's not a criminal felony action.  It's more of a point of view / perspective issue.)

So I thought everything was going well, and then my husband and I had a HUGE ARGUMENT in the afternoon, and I didn't want to eat after that, so my calories were way low today.  Again, it was another pattern repeating itself.  It caught me at a vulnerable moment and my husband totally mishandled it.  My husband never understands me. 

And talk about patterns repeating themselves, restricting calories like that only serves to set me up for a binge.  So I must get back on track tomorrow, or as soon as possible.  Prolonged calorie deprivation will backfire on me.

I'm starting to wonder if my husband is healthy for me.  Sometimes I think that he feeds into my dysfunctional patterns.  I wonder if he's a pattern I need to break.

(Relax, not literally "break" his physical or even his spiritual self; I meant, maybe I would be healthier if we weren't together.  I think that's something I want to address during my time with this therapist.)

Needless to say, now I can't sleep, which is why I'm here at DD right now.  I sure do hope Wednesday is a better day....

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 02/25/2009:
props to you for being willing to take on therapy and to try to break those unhealthy patterns- i hope that things with your husband got a bit better! have a great day. xoxo

starfish on 02/25/2009:
Sending you big hugs this morning.

thinnside40 on 02/25/2009:
Hope your Wednesday HAS been better for you :-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/25/2009:
i see there is some stress in this entry although i just skimmed it...will check up on you either tomorrow or fri...

Donkey - Saturday Feb 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

Weighed in today after a couple of days (?) of not weighing in.  I thought it would be prudent because TOM is starting and I wanted to have an accurate number to program into the cardio machines at the gym, for my weight, for an accurate "calories burned" read-out.

The irony is that those cardio machines are way off on how many calories you burn.  The bike doesn't even ask me for my weight, so I assume that the "calories burned" are for the average 150lb person.  And the elliptical totally overestimates the read-out. 

But I seem to be staying within maintenance range reasonably well.  I have been binge-free all week.  And I was free last week with the exception of an emotional eating day I had that was directly related to a specific, stressful event (an appointment).  So while eating wasn't the BEST way to deal with the need for comfort, I think it was understandable and even within normal parameters of total calories for the day (around 3500 in total that day, I think? that would make the binge around 2000 calories).

Another positive thing about last week's binge -- and I just realized this -- was that I binged in anticipation of the event, NOT in reaction to the meeting.  So once I tackled the task, I was able to resume normalcy.  It was the anxiety of the unknown that frightened me.

I have to think that there is a better way to deal with this "anticipation anxiety" than eating.  I just have to know what it is, learn how to do it, and then do it.  So there is HOPE. 

I have HOPE!!!!!

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

mama_nurse on 02/21/2009:
Have a wonderful day!!

haha_love2laugh on 02/21/2009:
You binged last week and still lost weight, thats good, plain and simple. KEEP IT UP!!!

thinnside40 on 02/21/2009:
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... Read, crochet, deep clean (like spring clean), re-organize something, sing, I don't know...... I have to work on knowing what to do come a couple weeks from now & I start (hoping not to though) going through the "monthly munchies" course.....Anticipation, not reaction.... Never thought that deeply about that too much.... Thought to ponder!

have a good day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2009:
i would say at least 70% of my binging is pre-event, anxiety related. i binge before studying/tests and the like. the majority is definitely before.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/22/2009:
have a GREAT week! :)

Donkey - Tuesday Feb 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.5

I feel like I'm falling apart today.  I am not falling apart.  I will NOT fall apart.  But I FEEL like I'm falling apart.

Where's a flying bullet when you need it?...

Progress as of today: 10.5 lbs lost so far, only 3.5 lbs to go!

legcramps on 02/17/2009:
Don't fall apart. You won't fall apart. I was looking for the flying bullet, too.

omahagrl on 02/17/2009:
I had the italian night club. Bad part was if I only ate 1/2 it would have been 470. They have the best bread and mayo sauce in the world. Next time if I have to have one I split it with MJ.

Don't fall apart sister! Close your eyes, smell the bread and have a virtual Jimmy Johns with me.....mmmmmmm Mayo


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/17/2009:
it's been so difficult. i wish we could just get in our minds and make them happy forever.

WI3 on 02/18/2009:
Hey there donkey!!! Congrats on the new therapist! Way to go! That is huge to actually transfer your trust to another doctor. Way to go, for real =)

I've had to weigh myself EVERY DAY, doctors orders, and I HATE HATE HATE it. So, if I didn't have to,I would LOVE to not step on the scale except once per week.

Hang in there me dear....hang in there!

rimaima on 02/20/2009:
Thank you so much for your comment about leaving my baby at the gym's daycare! My main issue is worrying that the lady will eventually tell me that he is too disruptive and she can not handle his crying, and then I will have to make other arrangements (which would be nearly impossible right now!) At least he is not kicking or screaming or hitting anyone, just stands there bawling, would be almost funny if it weren't my own kid. But I am hesitant to actually commit to going to the gym regularly until I see that he will not cry so much in the daycare. And you are right, he needs to get over this seperation thing NOW before he actaully starts school in a few years. Yesterday he did talk to another little girl, but, of course, she kept taking his toys away, something he has never experienced before.

Whatever you are going thru, I hope you get thru it. Hang in there!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2009:
your suggestion to mix weight training and cardio is a great one. my reason for mostly cardio is specifically bc i feel i do NOT get in enough physical activity everyday and i hate doing the minimum (30 minutes). that's my reason. i know i should do weight training but i don't have the time to fit it in for me...rather i don't want to. i know it's healthy though and i may start doing it in the late spring.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/20/2009:
i think next year it is something i will start doing again for sure....with semi private weight training sessions like i once did. we'll see.

Donkey - Sunday Feb 15, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.5

I really need to stop weighing myself every day.  I know this is where I'm supposed to be at, but the number is so disappointing because it doesn't tell the whole story.  My arms are quite defined now and my legs are way less flabby and hard to the touch.  (Yes, I guess I feel up my own legs, but I'm not a perv, I promise you!)

I do not have much new to report.  I'm just trying to get through the remainder of the weekend.  Blasted holiday tomorrow in the U.S. (stupid Presidents' Day -- no mail, no school, no nothing), so I'm going to have the kids make ice cream.  They've made it before (a Christmas gift, thanks to Husband's obnoxious aunt and filthy rich husband), and it hasn't been a binge trigger. 

But now I'm not so sure.  I'm feeling so depressed tonight.  I was feeling stronger and happier yesterday.  Today has been a steady and rapidly increasing decline in mood.  I'm glad that there will be a new episode of Desperate Housewives to escape into.

Since the kids are home from school tomorrow, I will be going to the gym early.  My knee and foot are feeling considerably better.  They still hurt, though; I'm still taking medication; I still have to wear my gym shoes all the time.  But yesterday was the first time that I actually noticed feeling better.

For Valentine's Day, I insisted that my family go to our favorite family restaurant.  I got a "French Dip" sandwich, which is very salty, but the scale was down this morning, so I am glad for that.  This eating more approach really seems to be working better for me.

I'm crawling out of the hole, slowly.  It's scary how easy it is to fall back into step with old demons.  I'd still do just about anything to be down to 116 like I was over the summer.  I looked GOOD.  I felt light.

Progress as of today: 9.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!

haha_love2laugh on 02/15/2009:
I have the same problem with myself and the scale I HAVE TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY DAY!!!! ughhh

belly on 02/15/2009:
Eep, should I admit I sometimes weigh in twice a day? Obsessive-Compulsive for sure. We have a holiday up here in Manitoba as well tomorrow, and no excuse to not go to the gym in the a.m. Just the bike. You know, to make you feel better, your present weight is my goal weight. 116 sounds insane. But I know how you mean by feeling "light". I miss it terribly.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/16/2009:
hi donk donk! so, from what you write, you sound like a muscle-woman! and i bet you do look wonderful. btw, i'm still doing pushups! thanks only to you. i usually do 3 sets. the first is 15 reps. then 10-15. then about 10 in the last. hopefully i can build myself up to 3 sets of 15 reps..and then beyond!

good job sticking to your plan and NOT getting nutty about the weight end of it. you're doing good, put the scale in a closet or something!

biscottibody59 on 02/16/2009:
Thanks for the comment--looks like you're hangin' in there--spring must be around the corner.

To your comment, I guess my point was that I never weighed myself when I was 13. I could have weighed 110 or even 105--it wasn't an issue. I first remember weighing MYSELF when I was a Sr in HS.

Part of my point (I guess) was that I "just don't get it."

Actually, I don't long to be a 13y/o again, nor to weigh 120--not a realistic weight for me:-) It was an observation prompted by haha_love2laugh, who is 13.

Have a good one!

superstarr on 02/16/2009:
We have similiar binge eating issues! Interesting! My trigger foods are nuts and cream in my coffee. Go figure! Oh and STAY OFF THAT SCALE! It can ruin my entire day if I get on it too much.

thinnside40 on 02/16/2009:
Here is a "reality" ~ 1# of fat = size of a grapefruit.... 1# of muscle = size of a baseball.. I'm after the baseball, not the grapefruit.... I don't care if the scale says "less" or not, as long as I am becoming muscular & not continuing in the "fat" ratio.....

Have a good day with your kids......Take a deep breath and think about one positive thing today that may bring a smile to your face.....

Donkey - Friday Feb 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I have no idea what I weigh today....

Today was another anxiety-filled day.  I have been eating more than usual but no bingeing.  For example, my breakfast was my usual oatmeal and coffee, but then I also had a yogurt and a cup of fruit.

Now I am hungry/binge-y but I had a cup of fruit and a chunk of broccoli to hold me until dinner.  So it's been good, healthy food.  Just too much of it.

I was wondering this afternoon "Why am I so hungry?"  I think it's because I lifted (weight trained) heavy today.  I upped my weights on just about every exercise.  And even though that doesn't burn a lot of calories, I think it must do something to my appetite.  I'm going to be OK though.  It'll just be one of those Hungry Days that I have from time to time.

I don't know if I mentioned this here or not, but I did find a new therapist.  I start with him in a week and a half.  And this time I will talk about my eating issues, in addition to my post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety, because I want to deal with all of this.  No sense in treating one thing, if the other things aren't getting addressed.

A special note to borntocry:  I miss you!  I'm so glad you dropped by.  I hope you are doing ok with the new job (which is old by now) and your husband and your family.  Take care and know that I think of you often!

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

YepItsMe~ on 02/13/2009:
Good luck with your new therapist, I think you're right about addressing all your issues~no sense in leaving something out that is causing strife in your life~

Wishing you a great night!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/13/2009:
it's good to start with a new therapist. perhaps also another issue with the old one is that you got used to each other. or, she/he simply had no other advice to give you/ran out of helpful advice.

...one day i'll have to try this whole therapy thing out!

thinnside40 on 02/13/2009:
Happy Happy Happy Dance.... I am so glad you found someone new to try.... Plus going to talk about ALL issues you deal with.... I bet you will understand yourself and how to deal with all issues in the right way this time... I just feel it for you......

Good Evenin!

Donkey - Wednesday Feb 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I had the best binge yesterday.  I knew it was coming.  I had better (but not perfect) food prepared for it.  It went so well, I was almost happy about it, except that it was indeed a binge.

(((If reading about foods binged on is a TRIGGER for you, stop reading now and just know that Donkey is OK.)))

I had an appointment in the afternoon that I was dreading.  After lunch is when the binge started.  I had made some crustless pumpkin pie sh** that isn't so damaging if made with Splenda, but when I make it with Splenda, it has a funny aftertaste --- which I now believe is actually due to the quality of the pumpkin pie spice I'm using and NOT the Splenda.

So I had made it with sugar, which of course adds the calories on like you wouldn't believe.  So I finished the pie, which was like 6 pieces.  Then I had a cup of chocolate chips.  I had a block of mozzarella cheese too, which was probably around 4-6 oz.

I ate this in the course of an hour (or less).

Afterwards, I was full, but not sick.  I didn't even have a sugar buzz.  I was not physically uncomfortable either.  I went to the appointment and came home and had a light supper (salad, and then pudding later on for dessert).

When I got dressed for bed, I was looking at my body and I was actually PLEASED.  I didn't feel or look bloated at all.  I felt that I looked muscular.  Weight trainers load up on carbs right before a competition to fill out the body to make the muscle definition show better.  I wonder if that's what happened here.

I had problems sleeping but not due to the binge.  I weighed in this morning and lost weight from the morning before.

So what I learned from this is:

1.  I need to eat a larger lunch and make my dinners lighter.

2.  If I anticipate a binge, it would be wise to have something "prepared" that has some nutritional value and or compensation for calories (i.e. a lower calorie alternative).

It was a very strange day indeed. 

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/11/2009:
I like how you put it "perfect binge"..... You are learning your system & working with it, instead of going against the desires/wants of your body..... Preparation sometime (99% of the time) is the best thing we can do... Tossing out all the bad choices and stocking up on only healthy ones is something I would love to do, but having a family (woth a 15 yr & 9 yr old, plus 5,3 & 1 year old) makes it hard to NOT have any chips, bars, etc around.... I can remember living on my own though and driving to the store when I WANTED something so badly..... Discipline is a word I dont' use enough in my journey... I'm trying to change that.. Used to be much better about it, but I think once I got used to the fact that it was "acceptable" and "tolerated" by other people of me to "fail".. It weakened me a bit... I can't use that excuse anymore, it is ruining my plan... I need to be self-accountable (AGAIN)

Have a terrific Wednesday & Thanks for being here!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/11/2009:
lol. i usually don't get big sugar rushes after binges anymore either...which is probably NOT a good thing!

i agree...that when a person is in the mood to eat GOOD food...bingy food...to plan it out somewhat.

i hope that you are good today! :)

panda22 on 02/11/2009:
Hey Donkey, I too have the problem with binging once in awhile and I think your approach to it was very cool and especially your reaction to your body afterwards as one of happiness and not disgust. I'm proud of you! Planning smart choices for it instead of reaching for junk is awesome and it's good that you realize that while binging is not a good thing in itself, if it does happen it doesn't have to be a overly BAD thing either as long as you see it coming, cope with it, and learn ways to avoid it later on...which is exactly what you did! KUDOS!!! Have a great night!

borntocry on 02/12/2009:
I always think that if you don't feel sick or even uncomfortable after a binge, it's because you really needed that food. I used to binge frequently back when I was starving myself all the time (no surprise why) and it's surprising to me now, looking back at my old entries, to see that even though I was always wracked with guilt afterwards, it rarely put a dent in my progress. I think you need, perhaps not a "binge" but a larger-than-normal amount of food from time to time to keep your body from going into starvation mode and even boost your metabolism a little.

It's better than eating huge amounts every single day, which is what I've been doing for the past year or so...

Jen40 on 02/12/2009:
Just wanted to say Hi and that I'm thinking of you.

skinnyfatgirl on 02/13/2009:
nope.. when she is in heat.. she humps anything thats near me and she wines while she does it..

I hate it..

the Cubs logo would be great!.. a picture of his dog is just too much

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