My anxiety level this morning is through the roof. It is almost making me sick to my stomach. I feel like I could easily eat my whole pantry. I will write more later when I have something more productive to say.
I just had to get that off my chest. I'm hoping the more times I say it, the less it will feel worse. That is, it will start to feel less and less bad. It's an awful feeling....
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
Last Week's Weigh In: 131.5 This Week's Weigh In: 129.5
I'm rather rushed for time this morning, but I couldn't wait to report my weigh in. I was pleasantly surprised. I had a bad eating episode on Sunday, getting ready for the next day's new job adventure. So you never know how many pounds you'll retain from binges.
And the past 2 days I've been eating at the high range of my calories. (1960 calories) And AF is due. And I"m feeling rather bloated.
But it was all good in the end.
Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!
It seems it's been a few days since I've updated. Now that my mornings are occupied with training and not computer online time or at the gym, I have a lot less computer time.
The job training is going well. I knew it wouldn't be so bad, but I just dreaded the First Day. Of course, I'm new, I don't know what's going on. But I am doing as well for a newbie. At least they have to give me credit for trying hard and making the effort!
All this week, I have been going to the gym, directly from work. Some days it's for running (since I"m doing a 10k training program) but other days it's just for a little more cardio (walking) and weight training. Today is a running day but I think AF is coming or here, so I dunno... All my stuff is already at the gym though, from my early morning workout.
I still get up very early in the morning to go workout at the gym before the day starts.
So hopefully I will take advantage of today and go running. It's only 2 miles. But as I said I am tired. Very tired.
Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I'm really looking forward to it!!! I feel the NEED to KNOW what I weigh, now that I've been holding steady for 4-5 days.
EDIT: Went for a run. Boy, was I dragging, so it was not one of my better running episodes, but fortunately, it was only 2 miles so I could do it quickly and get it over with. I'm afraid to see what's in store, running-wise, next week. ;-)
Total Running Miles for 2008: 12.0
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
Good luck on the weigh in tomorrow!!!!!
I wish you pleasant surprises!
Where oh where to start?
I started training for my new job today. I think it will go well, but I'm not ready to start talking about details in depth yet. At least not today.
Unfortunately, I did binge last night, getting anxious about today. I just wanted to get The First Day out of the way. Know what I mean? Of course, why I thought EATING would resolve that, I don't know. Argh, will I EVER learn???!!!
I would guess I had about 2500-2700 calories. Needless to say, I had PLENTY of energy today. So all was not lost. I did very well at the gym early this morning on the elliptical. Came home and got the kids off to school -- and gave the damn cat her medicine -- then went to training, which was until lunchtime.
I had planned ahead of time to go to the gym after training, so that I would not come home and fall apart and eat. I don't think I would have but the possibility exists. I don't know if I will plan to go to the gym after training tomorrow as well. Hmm... maybe I should. I probably should.
The gym in the morning this week has been absolutely NUTS. Crowded out the gills. It's really sad when you get there at 5:15a (the gym opens at 5a) and it's already packed. So I can see that i am really going to have to try hard to get there even earlier. Which I would have but I always check my email while I drink a cup of coffee before I leave. I drink a full cup of coffee and then leave. But if I wasn't doing the email, then I'd probably drink a half of cup and then leave. Ugh, old habits are hard to break.
I cannot WAIT until the New Years' Newbies Rush is over. Apologies to any Gym Newbies here reading this.
Today should definitely be a better eating day. Friday Weigh In will probably be a disaster though :-(
Total running miles in 2008: 10.0
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
be positive about the Friday weigh-in. It's all in the attitude. If you set yourslef up for failure, you will fail... but if you're positive, you're going to be less likely to slip!!!
I also binged tonight a little bit bc i'm so nervous lately....course sign up today and test tomorrow...thanks for asking how it went. it did go well, i'll probably update my journal on that later this evening!
I'm glad your job is going well too, Donkey! :)
EVENING EDIT: I survived the party. I came away with a clear picture of what is wrong with Grandpa. It is a sad, last leg of a long life's journey. Still, it was good to see the family together. I did very well with my calories. They are big casserole people, which I detest. I hate casseroles. So I did not eat much at the party, and then came home and had a little supplemental. I managed to come in at around 1500 (a little more, I think) with my daily calories and did well on water while I was there. Water and gum chewing really saved the day.
=================================================
Had a great workout at the gym this morning. i'm so glad we went to Mass last night and got it out of the way so that I could go 100% today. I am so stressed out about Life right now. The treatment with my cat is difficult. I have this party at my Inlaws' house today and with Grandpa being sick with cancer in the hospital... The kids go back to school on Monday; I start job training on Tuesday --- oh Calgon, take me AWAY!!!
Anyway, did 65 min on the elliptical (over 7 miles!), then I did upper body weights on the machines and then I ran 2 miles on the treadmill, which marks the beginning of my 10k training program.
Total Running Miles: 7.0
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
At least you can take comfort in the fact that you haven't used these hard times as an excuse to give up on your goals. So you're training for a 10K? When?! I can't believe I missed that! You must tell me more about it!
Time for another Donkey Update:
1. We are going to try to save my Stinky. The vet seemed to think that she was not beyond impossible, so we will try. As long as she is able to endure the treatment and it's somewhat affordable, we will do what we can. This means I give her 2 medicines 2x a day PLUS an IV (which requires a needle in the skin) 2x a day. I hate needles. That is a good impetus for me never ever to get diabetes. I could not stand giving myself insulin shots.
2. Husband took today off to go to the hospital and meet up with family and visit Grandpa. He has yet to leave.
3. I thought yesterday was Friday, so I weighed in, which I realized last night it was only Thursday. So I could have waited another day and maybe had a better weigh-in if I had weighed in this morning.
Last night, I was so tired from the stress and from crying the night before (really screws up my contact lenses), that I just ate and ate and ate. On the plus side, I had lots of energy for a workout today. Did the elliptical and ran and some weight training.
When I eat more, I can do more.
RUNNING MILES TOTAL: 5.0 miles
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
What a great workout you had, good for you!!
Congrats on the exercise!
I hope your cat is doing better. :)
Do all you can for your cat, but beware. I've had one firsthand experience with putting a pet to sleep, and will have at least another eventually. It wasn't easy and I'm sure it's even more difficult with children around--I certainly feel for you. I also saw a friend go into major CC debt to postpone the inevitable for a few months. She was beside herself for the entire time of treating a cat for diabetes--personally I don't know how she did it, work and live--all at the same time.
Not saying this is your situation, just wanted to sort of commiserate in some way. It's hard no matter what.
I hope things work out with the cat. I'm with you - I hope I never have to face diabetes as there is no way that I could inject myself. They have to give me gas at the dentist in order to get me relaxed enough to give me novacaine. I just can't do needles!
Hope you get a little bit of sunshine tomorrow - it always helps lift my spirits a little bit!
Your explanation made me think of a cat we had when I was in HS. At about 2 yrs she was diagnosed (and I use that term loosely after she lived another 12 or so years) with leukemia. The vet gave her a death sentence and a vitamin injection. Oh and we were told to feed her only dry cat food. She never showed signs of illness again. She became arthritic later on.
She was a rather small, typical "scaredy cat" and, after her miraculous recovery, became this loving as all-get-out to us, bully to cats twice her size. She'd get into these fights, though she never seemed to pick them--haha--and never get a scratch. So I'm hoping yours has a great recovery. With cats it seems anything is possible. (To this day--I don't know what it was with that cat, but it was kinda weird;-)
Time to face the music...
That's what the scale said this morning.
It seems as though 2008 is not starting off very happily.
1. My beloved Stinky (cat #2) is dying. Husband took her to the vet yesterday. Her liver and her kidneys are failing. She has lost over half of her healthy body weight. To respect her quality of life, I think we will be putting her down on Friday, unless a miracle comes back from her blood tests, which I highly doubt.
2. Husband's grandfather is... well, essentially, he is dying as well. He is in the hospital with a broken back, because his bones have deteriorated so much that his spine can no longer support his head. They are running tests to confirm what kind of cancer it is. Sunday is his big family get-together (LOTS OF AWFUL FOOD). Won't that be fun?
3. This is not bad news, but just stressful to deal with: My brother is moving to Japan for 3 years in a couple of weeks. We are thinking about buying his mini-van. We are thinking about asking my folks if they would like to purchase my car. I guess I'll be undergoing a colonoscopy because I don't know where else we would pull the money out from.
4. Let us not forget that I still have job training looming in my future next week. Ta-dah!
Ever play dodgeball? That's what I feel like I"m doing right now, with Life or maybe God on the other side, throwing all these things at me. The urge to eat my sorrow was very strong last night (ice cream). But I held off. Eating isn't going to resolve any of my grief.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
(PS... the line about the colonoscopy made coffee come out my nose!!!! I'm glad to know you have such a good sense of humor with all of this.)
Sorry to read about all the rough things going on..it sure does make the sweet times that much more enjoyable. Have a better day =)
One day at a time, one thing at a time. That's all you can do. Let me know if the colonoscopy idea works!
My weigh-in on New Year's Day was SOOO BAAAD, that I decided to wait (no pun intended) until my regular weigh-in day of Friday (tomorrow) to enter in any weight on my progress chart.
On the positive side, I went running today! (sort of) Unlike yesterday, I remembered to bring my running shoes to the gym today, and I ran 2 miles on the treadmill (after doing an hour on the elliptical, of course). It's not much but it's a start, and everyone has to start somewhere. Another plus was that I ran faster than I ever have on a treadmill and felt just fine. So I think I will continue to try to run at faster speeds.
(Mind you, when I say "faster" I am probably talking about "average", as I am a slow runner.)
I think it would be fun to see how many miles I run this year. Henceforth, I will keep a running tally of running miles. This will not include elliptical miles nor cool-down miles on the treadmill. I use www.mapmyrun.com to calculate my outdoor running miles, unless I get myself a gadget that will do the counting for me (e.g. Garmin Forerunner).
RUNNING MILES TOTAL: 0 + 2.0 = 2.0
So I see now that you are to blame for my recent struggles. Thank goodness for that - I thought it was my own gluttony! I couldn't help but laugh when I read about your Christmas cookies - those are the culprits which brought me down as well! So how many did you have? I think I had, like, twenty a day for three days.
Anyway, I think it's Horn's turn to suffer now, so can you please start doing well again?
I also keep track of my running miles, both "fast" and "slow". In my case also "fast" is not all that fast - basically I consider anything timed to be "fast" no matter what my actual speed is, because at least I'm *trying* to run fast. But for the last few months I've chalked up hardly any "fast" miles. I wish I had access to a treadmill. Instead I'm going to have to start trekking out to the sports center so I can do my timed runs on the track and try to improve my speed before my half-marathon. Otherwise if it's just going to be another 13 mile jog then there's no point even doing it...
Have a great rest of the day!
I have read about many runners who are slow runners. They say it means little and that endurance is most important for running. So, great job today! :) One day I will be a runner...I hate saying that. I wish I could say, today I'm a runner. Maybe i don't want to be a runner? i need to think about this!
P.S No one should suffer!!!!hahaha that whole thing made me laugh!
The last day of 2007. I am happy to say that my car is working again, albeit somewhat reluctantly, so I was able to make it to the gym this morning. Life goes so much better when I can take care of myself FIRST, even if it means waking up at the ungodly hour of 4:30a to do so.
Which means that I will be asleep by 9:30p for sure. No midnight toasting for me!
I know that my weigh in tomorrow will not be a true reflection of my efforts in 2007, sadly. I did so much better than the past 3 days have put back on. But that just gives me more reason and motivation to get back on track.
I see now that I must find a happy medium in my eating patterns, because it seems to me that when I do very well, Horn of Plenty suffers. And when I do very poorly, Born to Cry does not fare as well. My wish for all is to find a happy medium of optimum health.
And to the person who thinks I do not enjoy my cats at all: This is not true, but I sure do get damn tired of cleaning up sh*t, diarrhea, hemorrhoids, vomit, and hairballs every GGG DDDD day. Ya know? It gets a bit old after the 68th time. You tell me I should find homes for my cats. Oh yes, like there's such a high demand for old cats with these "character" traits. Not to mention the $ that I shell out in food and litter very month. Thanks Nerak, I really needed your comments yesterday like a kick in the head.
Progress as of today: 16 lbs lost so far, only -2 lbs to go!
I think you hit it on the head - that we all need to find that happy medium.
Hope you have a happy, healthy, peaceful new year!
Look at your overall progress from April through December of this year! That's success! Good Job! :) Maintenance is difficult, but can be done. Weight does fluctuate between a few pounds, its expected. I also HATE knowing the number just for that reason. there are so many factors that contribute to what our weight is from one week to the next.
I am so utterly discouraged and defeated this morning. I had another awful binge last night. Just horrible.
And today I cannot get to the gym because my car won't start. Dh left the key in the ignition all night, and I think it has run down my battery. The engine won't turn. It's either that or there's some moisture/corrosion on the battery electrodes, because it seems as though there's not enough juice getting into the engine to make "catch".
And it is not even 9a yet, and I have already had to clean up a hairball and a diarrhea (with hemorrhoids) from one of the cats already. I have 4 cats. One is deathly thin. One is getting deathly thin. The other two are fat. So I've been feeding the very thin one special canned food. Not only is it disgusting, but it makes her stink and it gives her diarrhea (but not the one with the hemorrhoids, that's someone else). Of course, she wants to sleep on my head every night. PU! Then the cat that is approaching deathly thin craps on the floor every night with his hemorrhoidal poop because he is upset. Or sick. Or something. The fat one coughs up the hairballs. I do not have the money to be taking them to the vet. Oh I just want to throw them all out the window.
I found out last night that dh has to work New Years Eve AND New Years Day. I thought we'd be able to have our celebration on Eve. Alas no. The house is a mess, and I have this stupid impending job starting next week.
Alls that I ask is that I be able to go workout. And I can't even do that. Last year for Christmas I was promised an elliptical and a treadmill. I am still waiting for my gifts. I got nothing last year. And here I am a year later, still waiting.
This is not going to be a good day, I can tell this already... Now I am off to wash 2 blankets that had hairballs on them, thanks to my fatty cat.
Progress as of today: 16 lbs lost so far, only -2 lbs to go!
I also hate car problems, I flip out when I have them. If it wasn't so blasted expensive to get them fixed, it wouldn't be a big deal. *sigh*
I hope your day brightens and that you connect with that natural strength you have and are able to accomplish the things in your immediate area that need your attention so that you can lessen the load on your heart.
Are the thin cats elderly?? Sometimes kidney problems manifest in this way.
haha, we ARE such opposites on here!
(And maybe the car and your husband as well--assuming he's the gift giver you're referring to!)
Alot to have to put up with--I'd probably be running away right about now;-)
And as for your binge, forget about it. it's one binge. you have to consume 3500 calories to gain 1 lb. Since you've already lost 16lbs (which is so awesome, congrats!) and have 2 to go, you're doing so well so don't give up!!
if you can't get to gym, do your own workout at home: jumping jacks (200 or more) and jogging on the spot or jump rope for your cardio, then do simple resistance training with arms, abs, legs, butt (basic things like sit-ups and squats will take up to 45 minutes if you do 3 reps of say 25). and that's gonna be a good hour's worth or more of exercise!
Does your dh have another wife, cause he sure sounds like mine! That's why I do my own shopping - although I do feel a bit guilty about spending that kind of money on myself....Mine gave me 'permission' to get a rebounder - like I needed his ok??? It's still in the box, as I just got it last night (from his daughter for Christmas). Tomorrow will be a better day to get it out and use it. (I'm a wee bit hungover this morning...)
I think you need to run a hot bath, light a few scented candles, lock the door and read a good book. Tomorrow is another day - a new year and a new start.
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Take a few seconds for yourself. Just go somewhere calm (if you can find somewhere calm) and just breathe.
We all need to have a little "me time" to help us collect our thoughts and decompress.
workingit2 on 01/14/2008:
Congratulations on the weigh-in on Friday! Somehow I missed your entry.
I know the feeling of the anxiety...I've been struggling with it lately here as well. I've had to call in all the resources, breathing deeply, calling family, meditation yadda yadda. Anxiety is hell, but at least we know how to deal with it most of the time.
Take care of yourself. Sending prayers that the bad feelings go away quickly and that you have a better day.
CritterMom on 01/14/2008:
What is it that's making you feel so stressed? Take an objective look at it, and say to yourself "if the worst really happened, what would REALLY happen as a result?" Would the world stop spinning? Probably not. Sometimes we build things up in our minds, or are trying to live up to other's expectations, so that we make ourselves sick with worry. Life is just too short to allow ourselves to live that way. Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Examine why the thing that is bothering is so important...and decide if it really is that important to you. Then play out some "what if" scenarios, to plan ahead how you could best handle each variation of the "what if". Sometimes saying out loud...I really DON'T care about that, or have a real stake in that, makes dealing with other people's expectations of our involvement a lot easier.
~smile!~ Attitude is half the battle.
borntocry on 01/14/2008:
You poor thing. Try not to eat your whole pantry - it will only make you feel worse. Do something that will make you feel better. (Maybe a really good workout? Or is that pushing it?)
borntocry on 01/14/2008:
P.S. I just read CritterMom's comment to you, and I must say that is excellent advice. It's something I've been trying to do myself lately. You know as women (and elder children - you're an eldest child too, aren't you?) we tend to take on a lot of responsibility, and there's really no need. Sometimes the worst that can happen isn't really that bad. Here's hoping that's the case for you!
dearerdiarist on 01/14/2008:
I am thinking of you and sending you those good thoughts. You are so dear and worthwhile. Crittermom has really said it all. Take those deep breaths. You are only one woman, you can't be in charge of the whole world. Be extra nice to yourself in as many ways as you can think of today, okay?
legcramps on 01/14/2008:
I agree with BTC - sometimes the things we worry about we really needn't bother because it turns out to not be as big of a deal as we thought it would!
CharlieAngel on 01/14/2008:
I totally agree with Crittermom! Take care and don't try to stuff your feelings of anxiety with food! It won't accomplish anything in the long run. Is this anxiety something that you deal with alot? If so, have you seen a DR about it? Just take care of yourself....you are so worth the effort! Hope your day turns right around....and that peace and contentment wash over you. Just breathe!
maria777 on 01/14/2008:
Please read my yesterday's entry! I know how it feels to want to binge! Hang in there! You are doing so well! Don't give in!
fritters on 01/14/2008:
I hope you were able to settle down. Sometimes, if it works with your schedule a nice hot shower or soak with a good book helps. I hope you stayed out of the pantry!
shadetree on 01/14/2008:
Inhale------------------and------exhale----------
Hope you are doing a little better!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/15/2008:
I like what shadetree said. what is wrong over there??? maybe it is true and when i'm doing well, you really are struggling!? NO! It has to stop! I really hope everything is ok and if you need to vent MORE on here, please do so and maybe we can help.