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Donkey - Wednesday Mar 30, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

Struggling a bit today... It promises to be "warm" but with high winds (which makes it feel much colder), clouds, rain, darkness, blah...  And if it's raining significantly, this will interefere with walking at lunchtime.  So my plan is to break up my outdoor walking into 3 segments around the block.  Each lap takes me about 10-15 minutes, once in the morning, once at noon, and then once in the afternoon.  Not sure what I will do for the actual lunch hour though.  Need to get out, and away from my desk and the phones.

Eating went pretty well, I think.  IDK, I had a crab ragoon AND an egg roll along with rice and Chinese vegetables & chicken, but I wasn't stuffed or even "full" -- just satisfied.  I had a fortune cookie for my evening sweet and that was it.

Got my body batter down to 9 last night, and yet stayed up another 20 minutes.  I didn't wake up feeling particularly refreshed either.  I stay up later nowadays, so that I am VERY tired when I go to sleep.  I get 1-2 hours of sleep, and then the Garmin shows that the remainder of sleep is stressful.  I'm not sure if it's dreams or what.

I thought we had everything settled with Son's car, and then Husband received a call from the AF officer who is handling the return of Son's property, saying that it's back in limbo again with the insurance company.  May I just say this:  It's really hard to move forward when things keeping going back & forth like this.  

The Boss and the New Guy are interviewing another candidate today.

Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 03/30/2022:
Hugs. It’s easier for me to fall asleep if I’m at 25 or above at bedtime. Otherwise I have to be exhausted and burned out to fall asleep.

happy-1 on 03/30/2022:
And the more burned out you are before bed, the more stress chemicals your body releases to help you run away from the t-rex… so you’ll see higher stress levels from the increased hrv due to stress hormones, which in turn worsen any chronic conditions you might have.

Jacky82020 on 03/30/2022:
You are courageous to walk in windy icy Chicago! I visited years ago in a March and man was it chilly.

Isn’t the auto transport spelled out in the contract? Have you tried calling the insurance company or having your husband do it?

Hate insurance companies! Greedy! We have NEVER filed a claim on either auto or home owners and they raise our rates EVERY year. I asked both to increase the deductible and lower our rates, but they said we’re as low as they go.

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
Husband HAS called the insurance company directly. I'm not sure the reason for the reconsideration. Perhaps it's because the investigation isn't complete. We STILL do not have a death certificate.

I don't understand. The drummer of a famous rock band dies and the press is releasing preliminary toxicology results in with 48 hours. We're still waiting for my son's results a month later, to see if alcohol was involved.

legcramps on 03/30/2022:
The walking breaks sound nice, like just what you might need. Enjoy them!

horn_of_plenty on 03/30/2022:
Yesterdays entry sounds good. The good thing about the 20-somethings is they can learn fast. My coworker crystal, 24, is very high energy (as in fit and strong also, no couch potato, and so she has the energy for the job as well….oh and really nice job with eating and having smaller amounts of the richer stuff to feel some satisfaction.

horn_of_plenty on 03/30/2022:
Having smaller amounts of rich foods or having them in place of a meal followed also by rich foods - I mean deciding to eat treats mostly as a meal has helped me lots. It sounds counterintuitive but it’s satisfying, especially with a low cal drink such as a coffee.

horn_of_plenty on 03/30/2022:
A fortune cookie is a nice sweet. Sometimes best to choose one carb - egg roll or rice but then again a little rice and egg roll can work ;) better then denying yourself. Tonight I had rice right away that came with the Thai food - not chips or anything else and it was very satisfying with the meal. Also rice was my lunch carb. Rice is very agreeable as legs has mentioned here she likes it too.

Donkey on 03/31/2022:
Yes, I should have had either the egg roll OR the crab ragoon, but instead I had both. Oh well.

horn_of_plenty on 03/30/2022:
I sometimes order extra takeout to have more meals of it throughout the week and many times I’ll order one meal purely veg to fill up on with the other stuff

Jacky82020 on 03/31/2022:
Sorry it’s such a hassle!

I understand. The rich and famous are always treated differently than the rest of us.

Donkey - Tuesday Mar 29, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

Oh my goodness, I got so many new contracts at work yesterday. Just overwhelming. Exhausting. 

We have another applicant for Mistakes Girl job.  Says she speaks Spanish but NO real estate experience. So we  have 2 resumes on New Guy's desk to follow up on.  I realized yesterday, that one is Daughter's age and one is Son's age.  It caused me to pause a little bit.

Eating went well again.  After dinner, I had a small piece of chocolate (i.e. I didn't finish the square I was working on) and a TBSP of peanut butter - just enough to satisfy and was able to stop and move on with my evening.

I did not exercise last night, but I did a LOT of picking up and putting away, and managed to get in over 600 steps just doing that.  As I was explaining to Happy, if I don't do these things, they either (1) don't get done, or (2) don't get done correctly/completely. It's difficult.

It was nice not to have the obligation to do yoga last night.  I hope to take a long walk at lunchtime today. 

Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/29/2022:
Finding your way to what works is gold!!!! I also have to do things in order for them to be done the way I want them done....easier....and less irritating. They say to ask for help....I'm thinking the only way to ask for help is if you don't care HOW it's done and just want it done!!!! Then it works for everyone. Schedules and obligations are sometimes a motive and sometimes just a responsibility that isn't always wanted........you can just do what you choose when you choose.....when it comes to yoga and exercise...unless it is a motivating factor...and not another thing that is irritating. Give yourself Grace......you have enough to deal with right now....

Donkey on 03/30/2022:
Yes, you get me exactly where I'm at. Even if it's something I love to do or need to do, if it's too much or irritating, then I have to put it aside.

I could say the same of Veterans Chair Yoga on Friday, but I know that I'm more afraid of the feelings, rather than activity itself. And of course, I would support the Husband, and I know he wants to go. He won't go if I don't.

I think I'm having trouble giving myself that grace. Is that what you're seeing?

happy-1 on 03/29/2022:

Donkey on 03/30/2022:
This might seem silly of me to say, but keep on sending hugs. They really do help.

Maria7 on 03/29/2022:
That's good that you took a 'break' from the usual...that usually helps a lot...break free from the usual...do something different...even if it was replacing yoga with housework, ha! Take care.

Donkey on 03/30/2022:
I told my teacher that I was taking a "new month, new start" approach. And the way I'm organized, mentally, I think this is a good way to try to get back into it. IDK, I'll have to see how Veteran's Chair Yoga goes first.

Mondays are just exhausting, especially now, with work getting only busier, and carrying the weight of grief... We'll see.

Jacky82020 on 03/29/2022:
Don’t give it a second thought until you go the ER or hospital & half of them look the same age or younger than your kids!

Donkey on 03/30/2022:
LOL- right?!!

Donkey - Monday Mar 28, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

Well, at least the sun is out and the sky is a clear blue today.  It's still quite chilly outside though.  

Yesterday was OK.  Had a difficult conversation with Daughter and Husband in the morning, before she left for work.  It was short, and more of a check-in thing, rather than a decision-making meeting.  I'm glad she felt up to it.  I think it went well.  After she left for work at noon, I had lunch with Husband,  Then, my friend (who I haven't seen a couple of years in person) came over for about an hour.  It was odd and awkward, but it was good to see her.  Then I called my mom and spoke for about an hour.  Long story short, the grief retreat as planned is canceled, mostly because of circumstances on her end, but also because I realized if it would be difficult for her and difficult for me, then it probably wasn't really meant to be.  So we can do a different kind of visit at a time that is more appropriate.  

Husband and I started the conversation about having a memorial service locally, for folks around here that knew my Son.  This was a very hard conversation. My Husband has completely other ideas than I do, and this was surprising to me.  That's OK, though, and I think that I will let him do this his way, with suggestions from me (songs, readings, whatever).

Back to diet & exercise...

Walked on my treadmill while watching Downton Abbey. I'm so grateful that I have this show to lose myself in, right now.  Went for a short walk in my neighborhood.  Did not go to the gym.  Did not do weights at home.

If I had to pick the "best" thing that happened though was that eating went very well.  I did have peanut butter, but incorporated it into an afternoon snack, and didn't eat as much as I had thought I would.

Although I did not make it to the gym, I'm thinking of reconstructing my perception of my time at the gym.  As I mentioned in a reply to a comment in Sunday's entry, rather than thinking of the gym as a "get up and go" place, perhaps for the time being, or perhaps moving forward, it could be a place to "release and relax".  In addition to the steam room and hot tub, there are 2 Yin yoga classes a week, at night, where you just get into a position and stretch it out for a few minutes.  It's held in a warm dim room.  I mentioned this to Husband and he encouraged me to give it a try.  You don't know until you try.  So I might try it on a Thursday night -- not saying THIS Thursday  -- but see how it goes.  If I find that it interferes with my already fair-to-poor sleep, then at least I'll have a weekend to reset and recover.  And if it works, then maybe that's something to do on a more regular basis.

This Friday is Veterans Chair Yoga.  Husband already mentioned this, so I suppose he wants to go, and as I support him 100% in this endeavor, I will go too.  But it will be difficult.  The instructor is also a personal trainer and she worked with Son to train him to pass the physical tests in boot camp.  She would want to know.  I would want her to know, to honor him.  But it will just be very hard.

Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/28/2022:
Very cold here today too...........

I hope you and your Mom can get together when the time is right.

Having the hubby plan the memorial is a good idea with some input from you as well.....

If Downton Abbey encourages you to walk....that's great...I remember when it first came out and so many people were calling it DOWNTOWN ABBEY....LOL

Good eating days are always a good thing.

If the gym can mean go get in the hot tub and relax...then you are using the gym!!!!

I agree...the lady that trained your son does deserve to know....I'm sure it will be difficult for all of you....((HUGS))

Donkey on 03/29/2022:
OK, thank you for saying that we should let Son's trainer know. I was feeling kind of weird about it, but Heaven forbid she mention out of the blue, "Hey, how's your son doing? He's in the Air Force, right?" ...

happy-1 on 03/28/2022:
I just read through your logs… I think your sleep quality is declining because you are pushing yourself too hard after work out of grief. You have a long way to go and it is ok to ask for help from people to do things, esp with a thyroid condition, a chronically ill husband, and 3 grieving people together amplifying stress.

Donkey on 03/29/2022:
I can ask for help but the chores that I do around here, I do because nobody else will do them, to be honest. The cats make a LOT of work for me, especially Baby Kitty and her issues. The cats are an exhausting, never-ending endeavor.

So having said that, now I'm re-evaluating whether or not to weight-train at night --- at least for now. So I think that will pause for the time-being.

It will be HARD though not to do anything if I don't manage to reach my step goal during the day. What do you suggest for that?

happy-1 on 03/28/2022:
It might also be a good ide to ask your doc for a sleep aid sample… benadryl is what a lot of people take occasionally but it can drop overnight respiration and pulse ox for less restorative sleep. What does your stress look like overnight? Blue or orange?

Donkey on 03/29/2022:
I'm not sure where I would find this. I know that under "sleep" section, it says that my stress during sleep is "poor".

I'll have to play around with the app soon.

Donkey on 03/29/2022:
I've never had much luck with sleep aids. They help getting to sleep - not my problem - and they keep me asleep - also not my current problem - but the quality of sleep just isn't there, and I already have that.

Hmm, I'll consider trying Benadryl first, though. That would be easy to try (versus having to call the doctor, argue about why I need a pill, etc.).

horn_of_plenty on 03/28/2022:
I do agree why not sometimes use the gym more to relax, sure sounds good to me. It’s kinda nice to associate the gym with more than one feeling :)

I’m sure you and your mom will do something else together that is meaningful; maybe in the warmer weather..

That is a hard topic to think about, the memorial service. It’s good you have your husband to be with you during this period of time.

Pb is healthy and something good to fit into a lifestyle. It’s also very simple and convenient which is why I eat it as a protein/fat with breakfast or as a snack at work - just one heaping teaspoon. Yes, teaspoon Bc I figure it as 100 cals Bc it’s heaping :)

Donkey on 03/29/2022:
I'm thinking though that having the memorial service will help us all heal and bring some closure to this chapter of grief. But the whole idea of organizing it is just overwhelming. I'm hoping that the places Husband inquires at have options and a coordinator to set up, etc.

horn_of_plenty on 03/28/2022:
I encourage you to do chair yoga <3

Donkey on 03/29/2022:
Thank you :-)

Donkey - Sunday Mar 27, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

I did not make it to the gym yesterday, and I'm not too sure about today either.  This is OK.  Everyone needs a rest every once in a while.  So I exercised at home, where I feel comfortable.  I did not do weights yesterday; I may not do them today.  That's OK too.  I am going to notify my yoga teacher that I want to resume classes in April, with no class tomorrow (Monday) night.  Basically, it's for energy conservation, both mental and physical.

Yesterday, I tried a couple of times to get to the gym.  Husband was going to come with me.  But when we were both finally ready to go at around 12:15p, a wave of fatigue -- strangest feeling -- just overcame me, so I told Husband I changed my mind, went upstairs, turned on the TV and took about an hour's nap, and then stayed in bed for about another 30 minutes or so, to finish the show on the TV.  Kind of spent the rest of the day just doing our own things.  Had an early dinner, walked on my treadmill while losing myself in a Downton Abbey episode, and went to bed.

Because dinner was early, I started feeling snacky after the treadmill walk.  Uh-OH, right?  So I had 100 calories of marshmallows (my original intention was to have frozen fruit, but I forgot, and went for what was convenient) and a banana.  I started thinking that I could eat more to make a small meal out of it, but decided to get ready for bed instead.

Had trouble waking up this morning, hence the late entry.  No I did not make it to the gym (yet).  I have a friend who will probably stop by for a (short?) visit.  She had delivered a dinner to us right after, so I have her baking pan to return to her.  The house is a mess, with all this stuff for the cat(s), military paperwork, and some of my Son's affects.  Oh well, so be it.  Also, I plan to talk to my mom on the phone, and that's always kind of stressful for me, even though she doesn't intend it to be that way.

But yesterday wasn't a complete loss.  I had a couple of really nice *bright* spots that brought me a lot of joy, even if it was only temporary.

  • I managed to get rid of a brand new medicine cabinet that we had bought a couple of years ago, only to find out recently that it doesn't fit the studs in the wall in the one bathroom.  (It took about 2 years to hire a handyman to do this job, because Husband can't do things like that.)  I was so mad.  That thing was like $80, and I wasn't about to just chuck it into the garbage.  A young lady on our neighborhood FB group posted that they were remodeling a bathroom and wondered if anyone had an old one they wanted to give away.  Oh, I jumped on that right away, and now it's going to be put to good use. I was so happy to have that out of the house that I gave it away.  Win-win, in my book.
  • On my way home from returning DVD's, I found a hubcap for a Toyota. I collect hubcaps that I find on the side of the home, as sort of a "performance art" decor for our garage.  This one, though, might actually replace the one I lost on my own Prius.  Wouldn't that be nice?  They cost $50 for the dealer to replace it at the shop.  And even if I can't use it, I have a new hub cap for my collection.

Back to today... Once I was able to get up out of bed, started, I felt like this was going to be a binge-y day.  So it will be a battle, for sure, but so far, I've avoided diving into the jar of peanut butter, by using a delay tactic.

So today's agenda:  phone call, friend visit, steps (one way or the other).

You know, I may just go to the gym to soak in the hot tub and steam room.  Nothing in the rules says I have to actually work out.  If I didn't have this stupid step goal, I could easily give myself permission to do just that.

Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/27/2022:
I think you should just take each day as it comes and do what feels right to you. If you feel like changing your mind like yesterday then that is just fine...Give yourself some grace and take things one at a time. No one expects you to be perfect...and if you don't feel like walking 10,000 steps and choose to soak in the hot tub...then that is what you should do in my humble opinion.

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
As you know, I'm very driven in my habits. If 10,000 steps is the goal, then that's what I do. I'm a stubborn Donkey and I stick to the routine.

But your comment has gotten me thinking that maybe it's time for a change. I know I said I wasn't going to make any major changes for about 6 months after our loss, but maybe this is one area that needs to change a little sooner.

And maybe doing less would actually help get the eating part evened out, too.

happy-1 on 03/27/2022:
I wonder if the treadmill walks in the evening are too close to bed and preventing restorative sleep? If you raise your HRV before bed, your body battery won’t charge as high the next day.

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
I would agree with this. The bike rides are not as strenuous as a treadmill walk. Walking outside -- I'm undecided about this. Getting the heartrate up is counter-productive to quality sleep, but being outdoors with fresh air does help. Not only physically but also mentally.

happy-1 on 03/27/2022:
Just got an answer back on my issue with this today. With your thyroid issues, you may be in the same boat I am as far as not being able to exercise before bed. OneStep PT says, “With any amount of exercise your body starts to increase hormone production in anticipation that you may do more. It wants to be ready. As you increase your physical and cardiovascular fitness it should impact you less.”

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
The Garmin gave me a similar suggestion too, that the evening treadmill workout was not a great idea to getting a good sleep.

To be honest with you, I haven't slept well at all since my son died. Even before we knew, the night he died, I suddenly started having a LOT of trouble sleeping. 2 days later, when we knew, then it hasn't been the same. I've gone from having A/A- grades to C-/D+. Even with increased time.

Jacky82020 on 03/27/2022:
Awesome you have home gym equipment!

Don’t worry about a few extra calories. You’re doing great!

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
So grateful for my little home gym. It's not a lot but really love it. I've decided that if my mom's treadmill (in my living room now) dies, I will replace it.

Maria7 on 03/27/2022:
Good you got some extra rest. Not pushing yourself (too hard) is a good thing, especially during these days. Take good care of yourself and try to relax what you can.

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
Yes. I see this as hand-in-hand with what Bear said, and I am going to re-read both of these comments repeatedly. Grace is what is called for. It's just hard to get there.

happy-1 on 03/27/2022:
Ok... did it. Made a Vimify challenge for charging Body Battery to 100% everyday. Just put it up. Super rudimentary. https://www.vimify.com/zki1l

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
I will look into this. I went to your link, and then realized that I'm too short on time to follow through with the steps, LOL.

horn_of_plenty on 03/27/2022:
i remember when you were nervous to even go to the gym! to even sign up! what a ways you have come. i still miss the gym, but only a little bit; as i do like being home to work out because of the convenience. however, if i did go to a gym,i know for sure i would be a little stronger. bc i take my time with home workouts. and do not have the external stimulation when home. but there's my top pro to working out at home - convenience and time factor. i used to buy all kinds of snacks going/coming from gym too...so there's savings in that as well!

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
I feel that I pay for a membership that I don't use to its full extent. This is mainly because I have stuff at home to use, too.

It's a beautiful facility, but I wouldn't call it exactly friendly or welcoming. I prefer the cozy and intimate. This is big and bling-bling.

horn_of_plenty on 03/27/2022:
the banana/marshmallow treat was prob satisfying to finish the workout and sleep. i find carbs in small doses really help me lots; and with sleeping.

lol! that would be GREAT if you can use the hub cap you found as a replacement for the one you are missing! and if not, it will be decor, that is a win-win too!

that would be a good idea; to go to the gym to relax in the sauna! mine had a sauna too; but i never got into it...(at that time, i didn't...) but who knows what i would do if i were a member now.

Donkey on 03/28/2022:
Usually the hot tub is not heavily used. If it's just me and 1-2 other people who keep their mouths shut, it's a lovely place to just relax and think. On the other hand, they say hot tubs are good for germs. I guess that's what the chlorine and filters are for.

I'm thinking, sort of along the lines of what Bear said, and Maria too, to an extent, of changing my perception of the gym as a "get up and go" to a "release and relax" place. I'll write more about this today, I think.

happy-1 on 03/28/2022:
Sounds like a good reason to do a renovation ang get a jacuzzi tub.

Donkey - Saturday Mar 26, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 140.5

It was not a good weigh-in, but not unexpected.  I feel the extra bloat.  Dinner was very carby.  But more so, it was a difficult week, emotionally, and the weather (cold, dark, windy, rain/snow) did not help much.  The weather in Illinois cannot make up its mind yet if it's Spring or Winter.  It clings hard to Winter, not wanting to let it go, it seems.  I woke up to a dusting of snow on the ground..  Not the most encouraging.

Anyway, I don't want any of you to think that just because Donkey gained weight that it's OK to join me in this.  This is not a good path to be on, and this is just a stumble for me.  I do plan to focus better this week.  And, for myself, I do know that once we are done processing my Son's personal affects with the Air Force, once we've finished up that business, then I will truly be able to move forward.  Until then, it will be a couple of rough months.  I imagine that when we receive the final report into our Son's death from the Air Force (and medical examiner, I hope?), that it will be the very very hardest last obstacle to overcome.  We should be receiving most of his personal property this next week?  If not this next week, then the week after that.

We're going to lose the battle with the insurance company.  I went to my Boss, since he's a lawyer, for his objective opinioin, and he advised that we ask for their position in writing, and not just take the verbal word of some AF officer on the telephone.  I work with contracts all day, and an insurance policy - at the end of the day - is a contract.  So I do not see that we can/will win this battle.  I just want to be sure that they do their due diligence and not just try to deny any claim because they don't want to pay or deal with paperwork.  No, if you're going to deny the claim, then show me why, legally, you are in the right to do so.

The good news is that I believe we will end up having the car delivered to us, so that we do not have to drive down to St. Louis to pick it up and bring it back.  There is some emotional turmoil about having his vehicle back at home, where we have to look at it.  Daughter doesn't ever want to see it again.  Husband feels pretty much the same way.  But I know that I can't make that decision right now, because I won't know until I'm faced with that decision.  I've talked to Husband about this.  He seems open to some of what I've said. I need to discuss this with Daughter though.  Even if she doesn't agree with me, I want her to be prepared for what I need to do.

  • It would have been so MUCH easier if the insurance company would have just taken the vehicle and given us a check.

Anyway, back to diet talk.  So I may have lost the battle with the Walmart cookies. I'm not sure.  I brought 3 of them home, to have one after dinner each night (Friday, Saturday, Sunday).  So I had one last night- even though dinner was already overly carby - and you know, it wasn't all that great.  I wasn't even tempted to eat the other 2.  And I'm not sure that I'll even want the other 2.

I have a trip to the library today (to return DVD's) and I plan to spend a little time with my plants.  I haven't been able to visit with them all week.  It's very calming to be surrounded by green plants.  Some of them are flowering, too, which is always beautiful and surprising.

Gym and laundry.  Being Saturday, the gym may be more crowded, but maybe a soak in the hot tub might be nice, to relax.

Perhaps Husband would like to do something together today.


Progress as of today: 46 lbs lost so far, only 7.5 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/26/2022:
You do have some hard things coming up in the next few weeks.......I think you are handling things well. Comfort foods have their place........you will be fine and you will deal with food too as you can. I hope you get a chance to soak in the hot tub.....and that you and hubby get to spend some time together.

Donkey on 03/27/2022:
Neither one of those things happened yesterday. It was a difficult day for both of us, so we kind of just did our own thing, but we did have dinner together, which was nice.

Jacky82020 on 03/26/2022:
Give yourself a break, Donk! So what if you’ve gained a few. These are hard times for anyone, the loss of their beloved child. I can’t imagine anything much worse. You’ll get back on track.

I couldn’t finish the book by Jamie Raskin, the congressman whose 25 ty old son killed himself right before the 1/6 insurrection in DC. Most of the book actually focused on politics, and although I’m on the same political page as Raskin, it was repetitious.

The son was in his second year at Harvard Law and apparently OD’d at home. If the father said exactly how he died I missed it, skipped around a lot. He said they spent the evening together, watching TV and his son slr him read a paper he did for school. He was a vegan, the son, and they ordered delivery from a popular restaurant there in DC.

The son was under psychiatric care for depression and on medication. He saw his shrink the same day he died. The shrink and the father think the boy made the decision over a long period of time earlier. It was a total shock to the father to find him in his bed

Jacky82020 on 03/26/2022:
the next morning. He went to the kid’s room when he didn’t appear for breakfast as usual. The father was really beating himself up for not noticing anything unusual the previous night. Well, that’s the way the son wanted it, everyone close concluded.

Nancy Pelosi told him to take time off, but he felt it was better to carry on, but he said he broke down and cried often.

Sorry for the typos. For some reason, it posted before I was able to proofread.

You are the strongest Donkey ever! You shall overcome. And your weight gain is trivial.

Super extra huge hugs to you!!!!

Donkey on 03/27/2022:
Thank you.... Yes, many unanswered questions, whose answers won't change things.

horn_of_plenty on 03/26/2022:
i'm sorry you are having those insurance struggles and dealing with having the car being sent back to you.

you are staying #donkeystrong as Jacky says.

you just keep making your own decisions at this point and also talk to daughter...but you are strong and you will be alright. please stay strong for me as well. <3

i have more comments i'll add here when i go back thru your other recent entries.

horn_of_plenty on 03/26/2022:
nice job yesterday holding back on having too many of those colorful cookies. lately, when my blood sugar is really low, i just give myself fruit and possibly followed by other sweets/ dessert carbs...this is when i haven't eaten for awhile, tends to push any need to binge away.....although this way is prob not the healhiest, it's a change of pace lately.

Donkey on 03/27/2022:
I'm trying the tactic of delay, this weekend. When my resolve is strong, this approach works. I admit that delay doesn't ALWAYS work. Fruit as a first step is a good idea, though.

Donkey - Friday Mar 25, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.0

So yesterday, we received some unpleasant news from the Air Force, as they continue to return my Son's personal affects to us.  This is with respect to Son's car, and the insurance company is being just really, really difficult.  So the Air Force folks are trying to find a way to resolve this as smoothly as possible for us, but the information was still unsettling. And so I was at work, having to carry this around with me. It was very upsetting.  My advice to you all:  don't EVER feel sorry for insurance companies.  

Came home, tried to make small talk at dinner with Husband but ended up speaking in LOUD voices, so I just shut down. I was done for the day.  I stayed quiet and just did my own thing until bed at 10pm.  I should not have tried to make small talk if I am not in the mood for it.

Considering what I really WANTED to eat, eating went reasonably well at work and home.  What I REALLY wanted to do was to finish most of a package of Lofthouse Cookies from Wal-Mart.  They are an unremarkable sugar cookies with tons of frosting.  If you've been to Walmart or Sam's Club, you know what I'm talking about.  They are pretty with lots of frosting in pretty colors, and usually sprinkles.  What I wanted to eat was about 10 of these cookies, at about 200 cals a pop. Instead, I had about 200 calories in a trail mix I made myself of M&M's and cocoa covered almonds, to go with my afternoon cup of coffee. Fair enough.

After dinner, when I was still upset, I ended up having a cup of hot chcolate, with a bunch of marshmallows.  And I mean a bunch - maybe 15 or 20?  Well, could have been worse.

Rode my bike, did a couple of lower body exercises - just 2 but more sets.  I tried to do walking lunges but I was tired, physically AND mentally, and all I wanted to do was to just sit and finish up Better Call Saul.  Mission accomplished.  DVD can be returned to the library on time tomorrow.

Unfortunately, the Downton Abbey movie I checked out cannot be renewed and is due tomorrow (Saturday).  So I can watch it tonight, while riding my bike, or just return it tomorrow and check it out again, some other time, after I've finished watching all of the TV episodes.  

The problem I'm running into is that I did not have time to walk on my treadmill this morning, so it will require extra effort throughout the day to obtain sufficient steps for goal.  The DVD player is in the basement.  My treadmill is on the main level. AND there is also just my level of mental and physical energy by the end of the day today.  It wasn't a hard week, work-wise, but a long week.

I'm ready for the weekend.


Progress as of today: 47.5 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

KathyBlue on 03/25/2022:
Yay for that wise choice and self control over those cookies. I'm happy for you. You're doing great. As for the after dinner snack, don't worry. There are days like that. It's not everyday. Also you got your exercise in, awesome! You rock, girl!

Donkey on 03/26/2022:
It was Maria's suggestion to try sugar-free hot chocolate as an after dinner sweet. This mix I used was leftover from Christmas and not sugar free, but reasonable in calories. It was the extra marshmallows that made it excessive, but I'm OK with it.

bearcountrygg on 03/25/2022:
I know those cookies all too well..........They are pretty and soft and they are like colorful little pillow that you eat..........UGH........I had to stop buying them because D was inhaling them and going on meds. When it is in the house...it all seems to be fair game......keeping stuff from jumping in the cart...( I might help a little),,,,is so hard....having a craving when there is nothing in the house is miserable......it's just all miserable either way.

You are doing great with the exercise and finding alternative snacks.....The insurance company is a challenge I am sure.....((HUGS))

Donkey on 03/26/2022:
Oh yes, you KNOW what I'm talking about. And the thing is, they don't really taste all that great - it's not a gourmet cookie by any means. No interesting texture, etc. Just pretty frosting and LOTS of carbs.

It made me smile to read that D is unable to resist them too. I'm not alone in this weakness.

legcramps on 03/25/2022:
If they're anything like the sugar cookies that Walmart sells, I am right there with you. We recently started watching a baking show and all week all I've wanted is cake. If I walk past cake in the grocery or department store this weekend, I know what's going to happen.

Donkey on 03/26/2022:
Yes, THOSE are the cookies! These were decorated for St. Patrick's Day. It's not a fancy cookie either (as far as ingredients), but they are so pretty.

I hear ya on cake. The same thing happens to me, and also happens to me when I watch baking shows with bread.

Jacky82020 on 03/25/2022:
Feel sorry for an insurance company? Never ever in a hundred million years, the vultures. Hope all that works out for you soon.

Sounds like all in all you’re doing a remarkable job sticking to diet and exercise.

Donkey on 03/26/2022:
Insurance companies and lenders are the devil.

Thank you for saying that I'm doing a remarkable job. It made me pause to (briefly) assess where I'm really at. I've got the exercise down, no problem, 100%. It's the diet where I struggle.

I wonder if some of my diet struggles are because it involves a lack of activity (that is to say, needing to NOT eat). I'm much better if I need to engage in a new activity because I'm DOING something. It's less successful to refrain from behaviors.

I'm going to chew on that more today.

Maria7 on 03/25/2022:
I hope you have a good weekend. I am sorry you are going through so much. (Hugs to you!!!). You sure did OUTSTANDING resisting those iced cookies! WOW!!! 200 cals of trail mix sounds like a very wise choice, even with the added hot chocolate and marshmellows. Sometimes we just have to 'CHOOSE' our battles because we've already won the WAR! The war being a spiritual battle constantly. We all love you here at DD. Take some special time for yourself (and maybe an outing with your Hubby?) this weekend. Love you!!!

Donkey on 03/26/2022:
Something special with Husband this weekend is a good idea. Thank you!

happy-1 on 03/25/2022:
Hugs. I’d be having a full on meltdown trying to resist those cookies. You are a warrior.

Donkey on 03/26/2022:
Thank you. And you're right - it was an outright war trying to resist those cookies. I will write more about this battle in Saturday's entry.

Donkey - Thursday Mar 24, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.0

A cold, dark, rainy day...  I'm so glad that the Boss will be out of the office this morning at some stupid community open house event to promote the business.  We do this 2x a year, but it doesn't really bring in much business.  We do this because "it's the right thing to do" but then he doesn't go -- he sends the associates and assistants.  Thankfully not me.

I did upper body weights last night - really didn't want to - and tonight I will do lower body weights, which are easier to do, as far as motivation.  I've been plodding through season 5 of Better Call Saul on a DVD that I have to return to the library this weekend, and I do weights while I watch the episodes.  This helps.  TV is a wonderful motivator.

Eating went much better yesterday, as far as choices.  Probably still eating too many calories to lose weight - I may have even gained.  I haven't made up my mind yet if I will weigh in this weekend. 

Had a long talk with Male Co-Worker yesterday - took an hour! - which started out about vacations, but then I started talking about my Son and this whole process.  It felt good to talk to him, but then it didn't.  That is to say, that good feeling faded and fell back into sadness and fatigue.  But I'm glad we talked.

Anyway, logistically, with going on the trip with mom ("grief retreat") could very well work as far as vacations. The only problem would be coverage for June 30th and July 1st. I would anticipate that everyone will want to close 6/30 and then take Friday, July 1st off for a very long holiday weekend.

So we'll see.  I think Daughter has that week off, too, so I want to check with her too.  And I would need to talk to the Boss about this.  I should try to do it this afternoon, if he's up to it.

Progress as of today: 47.5 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/24/2022:
I hope you are successful in getting your days off. As dependable and hard working as you are, not to mention you are working under duress (grief), you deserve this at the very least.

Donkey on 03/25/2022:
I did not have the opportunity to speak with the Boss on Thursday. I will try again today, unless I get signals that it's not a good time to do so.

Also, I am having second doubts about this trip. It would just be a lot to handle, on top of my typical difficulties when traveling. I'm not a good traveler on just about every level.

KathyBlue on 03/25/2022:
It's good to talk with other people about life. I understand it brings up all the memories and you become sad, too, but yes, as you pointed out - it's overall a useful thing. I hope you get to align with daughter about that week off the best possible way. You get this, girl. Hugs!

Donkey on 03/25/2022:
Thank you - the memories are all I have now. It still doesn't seem real. On a logical level, I realize it's a process and I just have to give myself time.

KathyBlue on 03/25/2022:
I have ADHD and for me it's not possible to fully process a personal loss like that. As you say above: "it doesn't seem real". That's what I feel, and I am not able to understand the depth of anything that lasts "forever".

happy-1 on 03/25/2022:

Donkey - Wednesday Mar 23, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.0

Eating was not good yesterday.  New Gal brought in Mexican pastries and I do not want to tell you how much I ate.  My intention was to take what I had taken, home, since it was enough to share and/or last a few days.  Nope - ate it at my desk instead. 

So I realize that I am very vulnerable right now.  If I were my own mother taking care of myself as a child, I would take care to comfort and nurture myself in other ways other than food.  We would color, cuddle on the couch watching TV,  walk outside, cry together, laugh together.  This is hard to do at work.  Hmm...

But I know that I can't even "take food for later" right now. If it's on my plate, I will eat it.  I am quite fortunate that the Boss brought in some lovely fresh fruit for us too:  grapes, apples, and bananas.  So there WERE better choices to make yesterday.  I just didn't make them.

This Donkey don't quit, so I'll keep trying.  Today is a new day.

So I had a chat with Male Co-Worker about his vacations in a non-confrontational way, and while he hasn't made changes on the calendar, I may be able to take time off anyway.  I think my Son's birthday is non-negotiable - I need to have that day off.  

The grief retreat has set dates, so cannot be done at another time.  (I realize that I forgot to answer this in yesterday's entry's comments.)  I was taken aback by MCW saying he wasn't going on his class reunion, so I'm not sure if he's still taking that week off or not.  I guess I'll have to talk to him again.  If he doesn't take the time off, I could very well likely go on the retreat.

They did not hire the well-qualified candidate yesterday because she did not speak fluent Spanish.  What a waste of our time.  Unreal.

Rode my bike and walked on the treadmill this morning.  Weights tonight - if I'm up to it - upper body I think.

This Donkey don't quit.

Progress as of today: 47.5 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 03/23/2022:
Hugs. All my prayers and support.

Donkey on 03/24/2022:
(((hugs))) thank you so much (((hugs)))

bearcountrygg on 03/23/2022:
Eating feelings is common. I don't blame you at all. Food is comfort ...I think we learned that very early in life.......Give yourself time. Try to have some things around that are lower cal and you may choose them sometimes....maybe not but they will be there just in case....maybe some fruit if you are going for sweets...maybe some nuts if you are going for salty. If you choose the treats that appear.......don't beat yourself up over it.

Donkey on 03/24/2022:
I am truly lucky this week that the Boss brought LOTS of fresh fruit. I just didn't make the right choice on Tuesday.

Sometimes this happens at home (usually at night) but mostly when I'm at work, I just get to a breaking point. If circumstances were different, I'd probably try to work on this now, but right now, I just can't.

And like you said, it will take some time.

legcramps on 03/23/2022:
Donkeys never quit. And they take the time that is deserved, like their son's birthday, and time to grieve. You deserve that.

Donkey on 03/24/2022:
Thank you - it helps to read this, a reminder and an affirmation.

horn_of_plenty on 03/23/2022:
Maybe you can do the retreat a different week....you deserve your own time off too.

as for your son's birthday, if you cannot take the whole day off; maybe work a half day? or leave early?...honor him in a smaller way if you have to work; and on weekend you can do something more....

i am sorry that work is getting in the way.

but i can relate in terms of what i see my coworkers dealing with. one, his father (in 80s) passed away last week - he only took a little time off, but this is obviously different than a young son passing - and this coworker really does handle a lot of stresses all the time, especially regarding his father leading up the the time the father passed...

another coworker, his wife is 70 and was in good health had a stroke, now he takes some time here and there (leaves work early a lot recently - but comes in most days - he is retiring in a few months and there are good supervisors that can take over for him when he isn't here, so there's backup, to visit his wife while she tries to recover at a rehab facility.

just saying, there are people at my work also with some obstacles that maybe you could relate to hearing; so you don't have to feel you are so alone... <3 <3 <3

Donkey on 03/24/2022:
I appreciate this. Thank you.

horn_of_plenty on 03/23/2022:
so what kind of mexican pastry is this!? any name for it?

that's nice there was fruit at work.i can only have a little bit of fruit on the job, it sparks me appetite, unless i have it after lunch....i enjoy it in bigger volumes at home :)

ignore what i said about your son's bday earlier, if you feel it is non-negotiable, than only you can make that decision and stand by it! <3

i'm also surprised that they need someone so fluent in spanish. and i'm also shocked there is nobody. around my area, it's like at LEAST 25% or more speak spanish!

also, i hope you can go on the retreat; as i see now it is for set dates that aren't adjustable. maybe MCW could take the previous week or following week off ;)

Donkey on 03/24/2022:
There were a variety of Mexican pastries. On Monday, I had a concha (large) instead of lunch, because it filled me up. OK... But where I really stumbled with on Tuesday was a pound cake. I'm not sure if there's another name for it in Spanish, but that's what it tasted like to me. It was a medium sized loaf - like I said, enough to share or last a few days.

Oh I understand where you were coming from with my Son's birthday. There's the emotional side of taking time off, and then there's the logistics, and you were just offering practical alternatives, which I truly appreciate.

I think part of the problem with the hiring is that the ad is written wrong - or at least not in the best way. The Boss is really, really bad at HR. Always has been.

Donkey - Tuesday Mar 22, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.0

I admit it - I'm kind of peeved.  So my mother has offered to treat me to sort of a "grief retreat" trip - it's just overnight, but it's a very rustic location, which is June 28th-29th.  I look at the calendar, and Male Co-Worker has already taken that week off for vacation (class reunion), and nobody else can take time off that week.

I had mentioned yesterday, about taking Son's birthday off of work, which is in April.  I look at the calendar at work, and Male Co-Worker has the whole week off on another vacation.  Pardon my language but WTF.

OK, I get that he has 5 weeks of vacation, because he didn't get any raises, but honestly, what the ****.

I might be able to take Son's birthday off IF we hire the well-qualified applicant AND IF Mistakes Girl is still working.  The grief retreat will be a little trickier.  The last week of a busy real estate month will be very difficult.  That's why it was the exception (I guess) that Male Co-Worker was able to take that week off.  

Had to give Baby Kitty an enema, and so all of last night and a good chunk of this morning has been cleaning up after that.  Loads of laundry, baths (for kitty), washcloth baths, etc.  It's a lot of work.  And it stinks.  But she's getting cleaned out - inside and out.  She's not feeling very well today.  Once she's done pooping out completely, I'll give her a final bath, so that she smells good and is nice & soft & fluffy (baby shampoo).

I did my morning bike ride only, in anticipation of needing to spend a LOT of time on cleaning up - and I was right.  BUT, yesterday I had done some leg exercises that were not my usual ones, and I can feel them today.  Not pain, not on fire, just little reminders that I did something different.

So again, I think this is telling me that it's time to change up my workout rotuine.  

Eating was OK.  Still al little higher on the carbs, but that's OK. I was thinking last night, that I probably have a good muscle foundation, so if I were to lower carbs and go into a **slight** calorie deficit, I could probably get at least my upper body muscles to pop a little more.  Not a good time for that now, but it's good to be looking ahead.

Progress as of today: 47.5 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

Jacky82020 on 03/22/2022:
Would a special plea to the boss help? You deserve any time off whenever you need it, more so than anyone there.

Wouldn’t there be a demand for smart experienced paralegals? Can you find another position?

Donkey on 03/23/2022:
It's a delicate balance asking the Boss, but I may have to do it. See, I know he would give me the time off, but it would really be hard on everyone left behind. I'll write more about this today; it may not be so bad.

Actually, most firms want someone inexperienced so that they can be trained in their way. And pay $15 an hour. That's not worth any commute in my opinion. There have been some enticing job postings lately, but they would involve at least an hour's commute. Can't do that again, in this stage of my life.

bearcountrygg on 03/22/2022:
I don't blame you at all for being peeved........You mention that it is office rule that only one can take a vacation at a time.....and I guess that is up to the boss....but I would also go to the boss and tell him of your needs.....( you do have special circumstances...and actually they should be happy that you are back to work even now.)......There are things that are set up by law like family leave etc.......Can your Mom get a different date for the retreat....( how nice of her to make this possible for you.) You can always call in sick or have "car trouble" on your sons birthday........I would literally go talk turkey with the boss. It may just be time to drop some hints that you are thinking of leaving their business.......I'm not sure how to do that....but it may be worth a try. If they don't want to lose you as an employee...then they may just have to make an exception..........I suspect that you have ben the dependable one there and they are more than willing to take advantage of that.....I hope you can find a ay to get both of those times off.

Donkey on 03/23/2022:
I realized yesterday that this feels EXACTLY like it was when Queen Bee was working at the office. She would take EVERY school holiday off, so that the rest of us could not. Then she would take multiple vacations in the summer - didn't care about the rest of us - and the Boss would let her.

When I realized this, I said to myself that I really don't want to live like this again, where MY time off is at the mercy of others' time off.

horn_of_plenty on 03/23/2022:
I will respond to this entry tonight :) hugs!

Donkey on 03/23/2022:
No worries - things keep changing, so after Wednesday's entry, you may want to just reply to that instead, LOL...

Donkey - Monday Mar 21, 2022
(Low carb eating w recumbent bike, yoga, weights)
Weight: 139.0

Another week...  I do not want to go to work.  But I think it would be "helpful" to lose myself in the work, sort of, so it might be easier than staying home.  The weekend was a little difficult, emotionally.  On the other hand, I don't want to be bothered with new contracts, telephone calls, deadlines. 

I canceled yoga for tonight.

Eating was OK yesterday but not the best choices.  Probably too many carbs, but not a food fit at all.  Just more carb-y choices. 

I did the bike this morning, and then a few lower body weight exercises (which I did not do last night).  Then, I had time so I walked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes, to get in some steps.  Today is supposed to be beautiful weather though, so I may do some extra walking today.  Back to cold & wet tomorrow, for the next couple of days, so I should seize the good weather while I can.  So let me just say that if I get a flood of new contracts, that might cause me to feel quite resentful.  I would not take it out on the clients or agent, but spending too much time on new contracts can me feel stressed and tense and overwhelmed.

My son's birthday is coming up in April, and I'm already thinking of taking that day off, and perhaps spend it at an arboridum, if the weather is nice.  Knowing my luck, the weather will be crappy, so I'm trying to think of indoor alternatives.

Progress as of today: 47.5 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

legcramps on 03/21/2022:
I hope you are not going to be faced with too many new contracts this week. Thinking of you!

Donkey on 03/22/2022:
Well, I *did* have several - 5 or 6 - but for some reason, it didn't affect me negatively yesterday. Or at least I didn't feel resentful, and that's good.

But emotionally, it was a hard day to get through.

Jacky82020 on 03/21/2022:
Does Illinois have a different way of doing real estate than California & Pennsylvania? There, where I’ve bought & sold property, the contracts are negotiated between the buyers/sellers and their real estate agents. The lawyers aren’t visible & I’ve had one pop up at the close, but not always. There was one when we closed on this house. We actually bought it from a lawyer. Nice guy. Not sure if the attorney was from his side or from our very large real estate firm. Anyways, he starts reading this long boilerplate contract and I told him I not only knew how to read, but had read this contract ten times ( gross exaggeration). That shut him up, so we signed and got out. The previous owner thanked me in the Parking lot. LOL

Donkey on 03/22/2022:
Yes, in the Chicagoland area, we use attorneys. Once the contract is signed, the agent's job is done (sort of), and the attorneys take over the negotiations. Outside of the Chicagoland area, it's usually only agents, but there will be the rare attorney pop up here and there. The attorney MUST be the title agent (the one that orders title), so there's usually an attorney involved behind the scenes.

Really good agents, though, will keep communications open with the other party's agent, to help facilitate negotiations, repair requests, appraisal issues, etc.

horn_of_plenty on 03/21/2022:
Hi Donks! I left you a few thoughts regarding your entry for Sunday. we had very decent weather too; and it's so nice to be outside!

Carbs DO help a person feel good, so there's that. Diets should be higher on the carbs, anyways...

it amazes me how fasts steps can add up in increments. a 10 min walk, depending on pace, is almost half a mile! nice way to get in a few more steps, indeed.

I think that is a beautiful way to honor your son's bday...if weather isn't good that day, maybe work and take the day around that time to celebrate his life when the weather is nice...(my opinion). <3

Donkey on 03/22/2022:
I will write more about this in today's entry.

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