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Donkey - Monday Feb 05, 2007
(Portion control / calorie counting (vegetarian))
Weight: 135.5

Day 5 of Mission completed. I had many reasons and opportunities to eat yesterday but chose not to do so. I was rewarded with a weight loss on the scale this morning.

Although the kids are no longer feverish, the schools are closed today because of the cold weather. Now isn't that just too ironic?

Just a short diary entry for now.

EVENING UPDATE: Doing reasonably well. I think we made it to a high of 3F today. That is not counting the wind chill.

Eating has gone well, but I realize that I am a "Picker" eater, especially when it comes to my kids' food. Having a bowl of crackers? Let me taste one (or 2 or 3). Want apple slices? Let me eat to the core and then pick a slice or two for myself. Finished your apple pie? Here, I'll finish the crusts for you - both. I guess I'm not a "Picker", I'm a "Finisher".

I should change my name from Donkey to Finisher.

I could save myself a lot of calories by NOT doing this behavior. However, I think it helps me feel somewhat satisfied without having to eat the whole item. For example, a taste of pie, without eating the whole slice. A taste of crackers without eating a bowl-full. On the other hand, I'm essentially eating food scraps. Garbage. I eat garbage. I am what I eat.

Hmm. I'm going to have to work on that one, it seems.

Tomorrow I have a **HUGE** stress event for me. I have to register the kids for their new school. This is extremely difficult for me. I have to drive to an unfamiliar location (yes, did the Mapquest thing; hopefully I won't get too flustered or panicked). Then I have to interact with strangers face-to-face. AND I have to pay the registration fee. So three big ones for me: 1. unfamiliar driving, 2. stranger confrontation, 3. paying money. All this and it's soooo cold outside. Brrrr.

So all I have to do is get through this evening, and face tomorrow like the grown-up that I pretend to be.

Progress as of today: 3 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

WorkingIt2 on 02/05/2007:
It is so brutally cold out there, too cold to wait for the bus that's for sure! Enjoy your day and congrats on completing day five! =)

greengirl on 02/05/2007:
Excellent results!! Glad the kids are much better. Typical that the schools closed now they are fit enough to go back. Sounds like the story of my life!!!!

biscottibody59 on 02/05/2007:
Congrats on your pounds lost! Keep up the good work!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/05/2007:
how cold is it by you? it was 9 in the morning and a high of 18 here! school was definitely NOT closed. LOL. have a great day!!!! sorry your kids had to wait another day! well, it was probably good for them to recover extra well!

biscottibody59 on 02/05/2007:
Oh no! I took your comment just as it was, it and the others just got me to thinking (and writing) a little more than usual. Some days I'd like to be able to just put myself in a box and get this done! Then I realize it's a journey and I tend not to pressure myself all that much:-)

girliegirl6486 on 02/05/2007:
Thanks for the comment! I make deals with myself about food too, haha! I'm happy to find we really are striving towards the same weight goal for our body frames, it really helps to have you there for motivation as well!

My car got a jump today and I let the battery recharge for awhile, so I hope it starts up tomorrow so that I can workout at last! Tomorrow will be weigh-in day too...hope it's good!

Donkey - Sunday Feb 04, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 137.5

Day 4 of Mission completed. No bingeing for 4 days and I also remembered to weigh-in this morning. I kinda hoped I'd see a lower number.

My main problem seems to be with snacking, especially in the afternoon. You might think, Just have a small snack to hold you over until dinner. Makes perfect logical sense to me. Unfortunately, one snack seems to lead to another to another.

My daughter still has a low temperature. I am coughing. But I think we'll be ok. Now if it would just warm up a bit outside....

Tonight is a dangerous time for me. I believe the Husband wants to order pizza for dinner. But then he has to go to bed early because he needs to wake up at 1a to go into work early. I have a LOT of trouble when he does this. First, this leaves all of the bedtime prep for the kids up to me. Secondly, on some level -- silly as it may seem -- I feel abandoned and lonely. Third, I have to keep the kids, cats and myself quiet so that Husband can sleep. It's no great joy for Husband either. He was very upset when he found out he'd have to do this for work.

So I hope that I can remain strong for tonight. If I can get Day 5 under my Bingeless Belt, I will be happy with that.

Progress as of today: 1 lbs lost so far, only 12.5 lbs to go!

WorkingIt2 on 02/04/2007:
It may be harder for you to get day five under your belt, but you can do it! Have a great day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/04/2007:
There's no if! Meaning, if you want binge-free day 5 under your belt, you'll get it!! Keep up the good work and feel better!

greengirl on 02/04/2007:
Well done with your efforts over the last few days. Keep up the good work :)

girliegirl6486 on 02/04/2007:
Pizza...*sigh.* I feel bad arguing with my boyfriend these last few weeks about where we eat all the time. Everything he wants I'm like NO I can't eat anything there, remember?!

I was just curious since we have almost the same amount of weight to lose - how tall are you? I'm only 5'2" and I feel like it makes my weight more frustrating to me because I constantly think, "If only I were 3 inches taller, my weight would look PERFECT!" The only thing that really bothers me is that feeling of your stomach lopping over your jeans when you sit down...ugh I HATE that feeling...

I was also wondering if you are from IL as well. OK that's it! Have a good night : )

Donkey - Saturday Feb 03, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 138.0

Day 3 of Mission completed. But I forgot to weigh-in this morning. Hey, I needed my coffee.

Last night (Friday night) was the first time in a long time (since Dec. 21st) that I felt like I could do this. And what's funny is that last night's dinner was exactly like Thursday's dinner, except that Friday, I did the right thing, and Thursday I blew it.

Thursday night: 4 slices of thick crust veg. pizza & 1 cup Jelly Belly jelly beans.

Friday night: 2 slices of thin crust veg. pizza & 1 piece of bittersweet dark chocolate (63% cacao, 70 cals).

I finished my sweet, did some evening clean-up and went upstairs to get ready for bed. I felt satisfied and in control. I wish I could eat moderately like this every night. And keep my pre-dinner snacking under control as well.

Today my kids are feeling much better. My son is good to go, and my daughter's temperature is now back down to 100.2. Unfortunately, she and I have a nasty cough. I cough all the time now, it's very annoying. So it's a good thing I don't work in an office or a library right now. Still it's very annoying.

I plan to drive down to the new house with my pots and pans. Husband says, "Does this mean we get to eat out for the rest of the week?" NO! I'm saving one small baking pan and 1 med. sauce pan. Plus I'm not taking my containers. So we can have anything that is microwaveable, or boilable. with the one baking pan, we can still use the oven as long as it's not a lot. I'm also finishing up dry/canned goods here in the house as well.

I think today will be a good day. At least the kids are getting better. It's going to be a very cold weekend here. I look forward to putting another binge-less day under my belt.

EVENING EDIT: Still trying, but I have a terrible cold/cough and I seek to comfort myself with food. I did not do so well with afternoon snacks (darn Cheez-Its) but I did very well with dinner (resisted finishing up the kids' pizza - 2 slices!), had my piece of chocolate and I am trying to further resist eating any more for tonight. Darn coughing though... I wish it would stop!

Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

biscottibody59 on 02/03/2007:
Saw your comment to WI2 about ED rehab for binge eating disorder--Wynonna Judd (country singer) admitted to going for exactly that, though I don't know what the treatment was.

Anyway, it looks like you're really building up some momentum--I hope it continues! And I hope you all get to feeling better as well!

Be sure to get some rest in between!

greengirl on 02/03/2007:
I'm glad your kiddies seem to be getting better. Keep an eye on the cough tho. Good luck with moving your stuff!!!

WorkingIt2 on 02/03/2007:
Thanks for the entry! Yes'm, I have a treadmill, step, weights, balance ball, resistance bands, and medicine balls at home in my spare bedroom. I do all my workingout at home and find I can get really serious at home vs. at a gym. I did belong to a local club for a couple of years, but I always felt uncomfortable huffing and puffing around the track. My brother had a treadmill that he wasn't using (He is on his feet all day and has a very physical job) and he gave it to me. It doesn't have all the bells and whistles but it has been loyal to me for the past year LOL.

I would love to get an exercise bike, my dad has one in his shed but it is too heavy for me to drive in my car and they live so far away. Perhaps I'll run into someone who has a truck some day..or I'll just rent a little moving truck for the day and see if anyone else needs anything moved while I'm at it lol.

As far as the uniform...I agree. I've never been one to fall over a guy because of his uniform lol. I've seen them in and out of uniform and it's the same guy all the way around lol.

girliegirl6486 on 02/03/2007:
I love days when you feel in control of your diet! In response to what you wrote me, yes I prefer to run on a treadmill than a track. I like to vary the incline and also I can make sure I'm staying at the same speed and can increase that speed - where as on a track when I don't have the MPH numbers staring me in the face, I tend to slow down more.

girliegirl6486 on 02/03/2007:
Oh and I wanted to thank you for saying my entries are inspiring, that really brought a smile to my face!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/03/2007:
It's great your kids are doing better because now you can enjoy the weekend!

borntocry on 02/03/2007:
Glad your kids are doing better!

missingsmokes on 02/03/2007:
try a hot toddie.....hot water, lemon juice (fresh lemon) and honey.....I also sometimes put a dash of ginger in it...vicks on chest and go to bed to sweat it out....sorry you have a cough....

WorkingIt2 on 02/04/2007:
Sorry you caught the cold :( Feel better soon!

Donkey - Friday Feb 02, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 138.0

Day 2 of Mission completed .... sorta.

I did not binge last night either, but I way overdid it at dinner time. And you would think that would be enough, but then I had quite a few Jelly Belly jelly beans last night too. So while I feel that I did not techinically "binge", I walked that fine line mighty close. Certainly not my best effort.

We had a late dinner, and my husband, who is a total meat-eater, obliged my way of eating. He was going to pick up Chinese food at the grocery store deli for us, but since they didn't have anything vegetarian, he bought 2 vegetarian pizzas instead, and we had one last night.

However, I paid for my pizza indulgences today in the bathroom. It almost felt like the stomach flu I had last year. When this happens, I always tell myself that I MUST treat my stomach much kinder. Why do I continue to abuse my poor body?

I did weigh in this morning. I am essentially back at 138.5 but I will not change my Progress Bar until tomorrow, if I should still weigh 138.5. Giving myself a chance to redeem myself.

The kids are both still sick. My son has a temperature of 102.4 but felt good enough to have breakfast, take a shower ("to help me feel better") and make a get-well card for his little sister. My daughter had a temp of 104.4 but I think it's down to about 103.0 now (hopefully).

So I am home with both kids, while my husband is at the house trying to get the phones hooked up. So far, he has done the majority of the moving of boxes, although to give myself credit, I did most of the packing. Still, I know he's not feeling 100% either. I do feel guilty. I do not know how much moving of boxes I will be able to do over the weekend. We are expecting frigid cold temps and my daughter (and probably my son) should not be out in the cold at all. Even being in the car is probably not a good idea, when it's this cold out. So I don't know.

At least I don't feel so guilty for not being at the gym. So there is one saving grace.

If the weather would just warm up a bit...

Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

borntocry on 02/02/2007:
That's funny - my stomach seems to like pizza, while it detests fruits and vegetables. It's like Homer Simpson, this stomach!

It's very sweet of your husband to go vegetarian with you last night. My husband is also a meat-eater, but he likes going vegetarian with me once or twice a week, as he says he feels healthier. So maybe this could be a good thing for your husband, too.

I'm sorry your kids still aren't feeling well, though. I do hope your daughter's temperature goes down soon.

Thanks for your comment, but I must disagree - go COLTS!!

WorkingIt2 on 02/02/2007:
Veggie pizza sounds good ro me right now lol. So sorry to read that the kids are still with fever :( Poor babies, and how cute your son is for making the card for sister!

It is FREEZING cold here as well and only going to get colder. UGH, winter.

Take care and you really are doing great!

greengirl on 02/02/2007:
Oh dear what a shame the kids are still ill. It can be very worrying, cant it? I'm sure their high temperature will come down soon. Take care :)

Donkey - Thursday Feb 01, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 138.0

Day 1 of mission completed.

I am happy to report that I did not binge last night at all. Dinner was very satisfying and I had a square of Lindt dark chocolate to top off the meal.

However, last night, both kids went to bed with fevers. They were up at 3:52am this morning with various flu problems. My son was feeling sick to his stomach and my daughter sounded like she had croupe. Very congested, little one. So I ran a hot shower and had her sit in the bathroom. Her temperature was 102.0 (F) and his temperature was 104.1 (F). I apologize to the Europeans and Canadians here who go by the metric system. I am not very good with temperature conversions. Pretty good with distances though (probably because of running). At any rate, that is pretty sick.

I'm not sure how they do things on the East coast (NY) or in Europe, but I think 4am is kind of early to be waking up.

So I had planned to get in lots of activity today by packing and unpacking my car with boxes to take to the new house. That probably won't happen like I planned, since I think the kids should stay indoors and rest in bed. Hopefully, though I can get boxes packed here at home.

I did not weigh in this morning as I had hoped. Waking up so early, first thing I did was take care of the kids and then I poured myself a cup of coffee.

I am a little concerned. I had breakfast early (for me) so my eating schedule is off. I will probably eat a morning snack. I hope snacking doesn't do me in, today. Let's see if I can get a Day 2 of my "mission" completed, eh?


Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Justine6Robert3 on 02/01/2007:
Sorry to hear your little ones are both feeling sick. Sounds like you all had a pretty rough night. It's even harder when they both get sick at the same time! You must be exhausted!

I remember 2 yrs ago my son (who was only 1 and a half at the time) and my daughter and my husband all woke up within minutes of each other and all three of them were vomitting. What are the chances of that happening! Thankfully there was one able body (me!!) to run kids to the bathroom, change bedding etc etc. It was awful! One of the kids would start vomitting so I would run in and within 30 sec the other one would start. I ended up sleeping (or trying to between all the upset tummies) on the floor beside my son's crib with a bowl. Everytime he stirred or whined I would sit him up and stick a bowl under his face, my poor husband who was also running to the toilet himself, had my daughter in bed beside him and was trying to take care of her because I couldn't be in two places at once and I was running out of clean bedding!! Hope that wasn't to descriptive and gross!!

I know what you mean by getting up early and being off your usual schedule. I had that problem yesturday. I did end up going over on my calories because I did a little to much snacking. I ate breakfast at 7:00 am and I was ready for lunch by 10:30 am!! I hope it works out better for you.

I am Canadian but I'm used to making those conversions because I have been working for an American based company for almost 11 yrs now. I'm likely more familiar with your way because when I was working full time I was working out everything American style. I mostly dealt with American customers all day. A fever of 102 and 104 F are pretty high temperatures, your poor kids must have been feeling awful!

I hope your able to get some of that packing done and hopefully your kids are feeling better!!

borntocry on 02/01/2007:
We used to measure temperatures in Fahrenheit when I was a kid and I remember having a 104� fever and everyone praying around me, so I guess it is pretty high! Maybe you could try sponging them with cold water to bring the fever down?

Thanks for your advice on my knee. I am not planning to run today as I don't do it two days in a row. In fact I wasn't planning to run again until Saturday, but I had wanted to run 10 miles on Saturday, and I'm kind of worried about that. It was at around this point in my training for my last half-marathon that I hurt my knee pretty badly, had to take two weeks off, did the race anyway and never fully recovered.

Well, I hope the kids feel better soon. Good luck with the packing!

greengirl on 02/01/2007:
Sorry that your kiddies are feeling so poorly. I live in the UK and I still think in fahrenheit when it comes to body temperature. Anything over 100 is bad in my book!! My kids are grown up but I still remember how unnerving it can be when they are running a temperature and I've been there with the tepid sponging and running a shower to help with the breathing!! Good luck with the moving. That alone is stressful enough without dealing with sick children too. You take care :)

WorkingIt2 on 02/01/2007:
Sorry that your children aren't well...that is always so difficult :( I hope your day went well on your diet front! =)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/01/2007:
sorry about your children and the early wake-up call! I also depsise waking up majorly early, because I, too, get hungrier all throughout the day compared to when i wake up later!

Donkey - Wednesday Jan 31, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 138.0

No weigh-in today. Today the moving begins and the bingeing stops. Well, it's good to have a dream. But seriously, I am hoping that now that my "anxieties" will becoming reality, that my anxiousness will dissipate. Hence, my urgent feelings of needing to binge ("sugar fix") will no longer exist, although, I may need a week or 2 of detox (i.e. South Beach phase 1).

I am seriously considering what "Born to Cry" has suggested, about needing to eat more because of the vegetarianism. I think that's very valid. I feel full because the meat just sits in my stomach and takes a long time to digest. As she says, I cannot have just an apple because it sends my blood sugar all over the place and I end up feeling hungrier or shakey or what have you. I may have to go back to eating fish and poultry and lean cuts of beef. I do not think I could return to eating ground beef. I feel bad that the vegetarian thing might not work. I feel like a failure (what a perfect excuse to binge, eh?).

Today was supposed to be my last day at the gym. Unfortunately, my daughter came down with a fever last night and this morning it was even higher. So she is home with me today; so no gym. Lucky little 6 yr old gets to come to a 2-hour house closing meeting with me today. That should be real fun. At least she's not having bathroom issues (one way or the other) that I/she would have to contend with.

It is just as well that today is no gym. Good-bye's are incredibly difficult for me. I only told 2 people that I was moving and both of them were women (my friend -- who I fought with last week, and the "Judy" who is a physical therapist at the gym). I exercise with the senior citizen guys and I don't think I could say good-bye. Especially "George" who was almost like a father-figure to me, as much as one can be at the gym.

I was finding it increasingly difficult to exercise at the gym too. My motivation was down in the toilet. Anything I did there was such a chore. I get like this every so often, where I need a break from the gym. Well, now I have one that's for sure. And so hopefully, when I'm settled, I will be *wanting* to go back to a gym and WORK on myself.

FIRST EDIT: Just had lunch, my usual. I am killing time until we leave for the walk-through inspection of the house and then go to the closing. I notice that today, I am able to resist eating so much. So yes, some days, I don't eat as much as other days. It's a very scary day when I wake up and WANT to eat.

SECOND EDIT: Just finished my VEGETARIAN dinner. I ate heavier than usual (rice, beans, not so many vegetables) but feel confident that I can get through the evening without bingeing. Of course, the fact that we closed on the house this afternoon -- and that it went well -- is a HUGE relief off my mind. Yes, now the hard part of moving all our stuff comes, but that's ok. It will keep me busy and provide some exercise/activity since I am gym-less right now. The gym thing doesn't bother me either, because my daughter is still running a fever; she will be staying home tomorrow from school.

My only goal for today (other than to get through it) is to not binge tonight.

My only goal for tonight is not to binge. (yes, repeated)

Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

borntocry on 01/31/2007:
Wow, I would hate to think that something I said helped to turn a vegetarian back to meat! Now I feel like a failure, too!

Of course, it's your decision, but I owe it to my conscience to tell you that you do have other options! There are other ways to feel full on a vegetarian diet. You could include vegetarian sources of protein like low-fat cheese, yogurt, beans, etc. Even oatmeal works pretty well for me. Or you could go with the volumetrics approach. A big bowl of soup or a huge plate of steamed vegetables is bound to fill you up, with very few calories, and lots of nutrients! I don't even like soup all that much, but last winter I went on a soup craze, trying out dozens of new recipes, and I could generally have two or bowls for 300 calories. And I was totally stuffed afterwards. Or I'd have a whole head of broccoli with a small sweet potato - stuff like that. I had to cut down on vegetables because I have IBD, otherwise I'd go with this approach any day!

I hope the moving goes smoothly. I am sure you will feel much less stressed once this is over. I also binged a lot and gained a couple of pounds when I moved into my new apartment just over a year ago. So I feel for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/31/2007:
I always wake up and want to eat! you're not the only one. and, as you see from others like BTC, we are not the only addicts here! LOL. yeah, I'm finally doing MUCH better these past few days! safe moving to you!

Donkey on 01/31/2007:
Dear BtoC, do not worry about turning me back towards eating meat. That hasn't happened yet, nor do I think you are the reason for me going back to eating meat should that happen. I really want to give this vegetarian thing a good try, without major life stressors interfering. So don't give up hope yet!

And I'm glad I'm not the only one who wakes up and wants to eat right away. ;)

girliegirl6486 on 01/31/2007:
Thanks for the comment you left, I agree with you...I miss the memories, not the person. I wouldn't ever want to get back with him anyway because I know it wouldn't be the same. I am going to stay thankful for the guy I have now and I want to hold on to this one for sure :)

Also I hear you on the motivation/gym thing...my eating is going fine but any spare minutes I have I want to spend sleeping or doing homework, not working out!

maria777 on 01/31/2007:
Hope your little girl feels better.

Donkey - Tuesday Jan 30, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 138.0

I'm not even going to finish yesterday's entry. Done is done, yesterday is over.

Made it to the gym today, but only did the hour of cardio (plus 15 minutes of cooldown -- 3 machines, each one with a 5 minute cooldown). No weights today.

Tomorrow we're closing on the new house, so I'm just trying to get through today.

Breakfast - 1 cup All Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk

AM Snack - 1 med yellow apple, 1 cheese stick (80cals)

Lunch - High fiber taco w/vegan "meat", 1/4 cup salsa, lettuce; 4 carrots; 1 Lindt chocolate

PM Snack - air popped popcorn, 1 apple, 1 cheese stick

Dinner - 1 cup whole grain spaghetti w/spaghetti sauce; 1/2 cup chick peas (garbanzo beans); 2 cups steamed vegetables; parm cheese; 1-2 oz part skim moz. cheese; 1/2 cup frozen raspberries

Dessert - 1/2 cup ricotta cheese dessert (South Beach Diet recipe)

Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

WorkingIt2 on 01/30/2007:
Great job on the cardio!

hollybelle on 01/30/2007:
One thing I hae trouble figuring out is why somedays I am fine with very little to eat and some days not....I think it is a combination of things. We are not machines that run the same very single day we have a variances. Good for you -chalking up the past and starting anew! You'll be very busy with the new house so that should keep you on track for awhile????? Perhaps.....

borntocry on 01/31/2007:
Umm... you asked why you need to eat so much to feel full. Do you think it might be because you're vegetarian? I've also noticed that I need to eat an enormous amount of food to feel full, and I'm vegetarian. But then geevee has the same problem, and she's not vegetarian. Still, she does seem to eat mostly fruit and vegetables. I've found that if I don't feel as hungry if I add extra protein to my diet. I can never have just an apple, for instance. It always leaves me totally ravenous. But if I have a yogurt before or afterwards, the combination seems to fill me up more. I am also a big believer in protein bars. They're not very natural, I know, but yesterday I tried making some of my own with dried milk, peanut butter, syrup, quinoa crisps, soy beans and almonds. Am going to have one for lunch today and see how it is!

Donkey - Monday Jan 29, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 138.5

After a horrible eating weekend, I have decided to start over again. I refuse to give up this battle. I'm going to keep fighting tooth and nail to get this weight off. As you can see I have adjusted the Progress Bar to reflect my "new start".

I refuse to give up. I'm not going to let this past weekend stop me or bring me down. Each day is a new opportunity to take care of myself and to nurture myself in ways other than excess nutrition. This whole moving thing will not take me back to 2005 when I relapsed with 20lb extra afterwards. I'm not going back to 150.5 (my relapse weight) and I sure as heck won't go back anywhere near 180.0 when I started this journey.

I think geevee said it best, it is something that I need to be ever vigilant about. I need to focus on this, and I need to do it for me. I've decided to not pack one of my scales (the 0.5lb one, the one I started out with) and i will just take it with me in the car at the end.

I might have to do this forever, I might not. But I can't let life's stressors be an excuse for this continued self-destructive behavior. I can't and I won't. I deserve so much more.

Breakfast - 1 cup All Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk

AM Snack - 1 med. apple (not the best choice for a snack, I realize now)

Lunch - Big salad with:

2 cups red lettuce 1/2 cup raw cauliflower 1 celery stick 1 Boca "chicken" patty (160 calories) 2 TBSP Newman's own salad dressing (90 cals)

AND In a bowl together:

1 cup leftover steamed broccoli with 1 cup leftover sauteed onions/peppers/mushrooms (sauteed in olive oil)

AND 1 square of Lindt dark chocolate (85% cacao) (53 cals)

***DID I EAT TOO MUCH? I had the salad and I still felt hungry. I also find that I don't feel "complete" unless I have something to finish off the meal. I am feeling so frustrated. Why do I have to eat so much to feel full?

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 13.5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 01/29/2007:
Yay! No giving up!

borntocry on 01/29/2007:
It's already a good sign that your relapse weight was nowhere near your previous high weight. That is pretty impressive. I think you've got what it takes to get this under control. We may be at it for the rest of our lives but the results are worth it. We might not think so right now but we'll definitely think it after we've gained 50 lb. The time to act is now!

biscottibody59 on 01/29/2007:
I should count the (recognizable) times I've started over in the years I've kept this diary. At least 20--possibly 40 or 50? I don't know--all I know is there's no other way that I know of.

Trying to do this in the midst of moving/selling a house can't be easy--hang in there!

Donkey - Sunday Jan 28, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 135.6

It seems as though yesterday has carried over to today. However, for the first time, I took a bite of my All Bran cereal and said to myself, "This tastes like horse manure." Not that I've tasted manure before, but this tasted a lot like it smells. So what did I do? I proceeded to have another piece of pie. As if eating pie would solve any problems.

The kids are grating on my nerves this morning. I must remember to keep my feelings composed, as they don't deserve to receive the contempt I have for myself.

Breakfast - 1 piece of mixed berry pie, 1 cup of All Bran, 1 cup of light vanilla soy milk (I think I have probably tasted the last of both.)

Lunch - big salad w/ 2 carrots, 1/2 cup beans, 2 TBSP balamic vinegarette, 6 almonds (1/4oz), 1 med apple.

PM Snack - 1 cup fat free cottage cheese

Dinner - 1/2 spaghetti squash (yes, I ate one half of an entire squash, made with 1 TBSP Smart Balace Light & 1/4 cup parm cheese), 1 Boca burger on 1 whole grain bun, 1/2 cup asparagus, 1 cup sauteed onion/green pepper/mushroom mix.

Dessert - 1 square Lindt chocolate

... which proceeded to another binge. Not good.

Progress as of today: 1.4 lbs lost so far, only 10.6 lbs to go!

WorkingIt2 on 01/28/2007:
Looks like you are just in a bit of a 'funk' from having weighed yourself on your conflicting scales and showed a gain on one, a loss on the other. How you can do that without going crazy is beyond me lol. So, anyway, don't beat yourself up and realize that we all have those times where everything is going great and then we just fall off track. We are still human even if we are accomplishing some pretty good things with regard to our health. Even doctors have problems with weight and controlling what they eat =) Having said all that, I know how you feel. I've felt really crummy yesterday and today and all I wanted to do was to lay down and eat..and eat the creamy foods like peanut butter, mac and cheese, grilled cheese..in other words, all my trigger food cravings come to the surface when my defenses are down because I feel poorly. You will be ok, just do the best you can. Have a much better day and I hope you feel better! =)

Moody on 01/28/2007:
Your lunch sounds wonderful!!

Are you feeling any better than you were yesterday?? Take care of yourself!

Donkey on 01/28/2007:
I'm doing better today, although it's been difficult. At least I'm not so angry at myself.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/28/2007:
hey! if you don't like the all bran, DO NOT eat it! find a substitute! well, of course it doesn't have to be pie! there are plenty of other things to choose from: small fiber filled muffin or english muffin with fruit on the side. you don't have to eat the same exact thing every day. meaning, if its time for a change, change it up a little. i've been learning that. sometimes routine can lead to bordom which leads to wrong choices. however, sometimes we just need a moment off so that we can get back on and feel good to be back in routine. you have to decide what makes you feel best!

biscottibody59 on 01/28/2007:
I've had routines of food, I guess you'd call them food fads over the years. And once I sort of get over them, I never can return to them. Speaking of the smell of food, I had bought some (what I really thought was good) caramel sauce for ice cream during the holidays and the first taste I took of it, before it had been chilled, had a hint of ammonia of all things.

WorkingIt2 on 01/28/2007:
Spaghetti squash is great!

Donkey - Saturday Jan 27, 2007
(Portion control w/South Beach Diet (vegetarian))
Weight: 135.6

Oh boy, I can just tell that this is going to be one of those days where it will be hard to keep the eating under control. I woke up feeling all congested and tired. But I got up anyway to go to the gym. It was unusually crowded there today, so I only did my hour of cardio. But I was so bored and unmotivated. There were so many weekday people there, it felt like a Monday.

I am trying very hard to resist having a piece of peanut butter toast.

Pre-Workout snack - 1 med red apple

Breakfast - 1 cup All Bran, 1 cup light vanilla soy milk, 1TBSP natural peanut butter (defintely a trigger food for me, so I need to be vigilant today)

AM Snack - 1 cheese stick, 1 grapefruit, 1/2 cup sugar snap peas

Lunch - high fiber tortilla w/ 1/2 cup chick peas, 1/2 cup salsa, 1/2oz moz cheese; 3/4 sweet potato; 3/4 cup frozen berries w/ 1/2oz walnuts

PM Snack - 2 pieces of peanut butter toast (2 bread, 2? TBSP of natural peanut butter)

It has not been a good eating day....

Dinner - 3 egg spinach and feta omlet, 1.5 pieces of "whole wheat" toast

This was eaten at a restaurant. When we came home, I proceeded to finish most of a giant Hersey bar, a bag of walnuts, a piece of pie... It was not a good eating day...

Progress as of today: 1.4 lbs lost so far, only 10.6 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/27/2007:
your lunch sounds sooo good. I seriously may start having tortillas if i continue to read diary entries like this one! sometimes, you do need to give into your temptations. if pb is what you really wanted, maybe it is good you gave in? it's not like you went totally overboard. have a good evening!

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