I did not do well yesterday at all.
I can't think of anything else to say, except that I do want to thank everyone who wrote yesterday for their support. I have to say, I am grateful for the support and encouragement that you all offer here. Thank you so much...
Progress as of today: 6 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
Wow, I gained almost 10lb since the last time I posted. And believe it or not, my weight was as high as 140.0 at one point in December.
December was a horrible month. I don't know if I should even rehash what happened. My grandfather died. My legal problems got worse. My depression reached rock bottom.
Thing is, the legal problems, the weight and the depression aren't going away just because it's a new year. So .... I'm obviously carrying issues from 2008 into 2009. Not exactly the "Fresh Start" I was hoping for or needing, but we don't always get what we need or want in life.
I do hope though to post more regularly here. I want to shed this extra weight. I hate it. It's very uncomfortable to be carrying around such heavy burdens.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!
What ever your struggles may be, just know that things will get better and you are worth it and therefore you deserve to be healthy and happy. I'll be thinking of you and I really hope this year things get better for you!
How does a person forgive herself? Especially when the transgression is something that is totally incompatable with how she identifies herself with?
Ideas? Insight?
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
Blessings to you & yours this season!
This weigh-in is from a couple of days ago. I may or may not have lost more since. I don't know. I'm having a hard time eating enough again, but some days, I do eat enough to compensate (i.e. I eat a lot more, but no bingeing -- and that's GOOD.)
The only thing time I am happy is when I'm exercising. It is my only joy in life right now.
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
Do not be fooled by my "Current Weight". My weigh-in days are on Tuesdays.... but I took a sneak-peek this morning to see how much damage I had done -- with holiday and emotional eating and then TOM on top of everything! >:-(
And my weight was 132.5. So essentially, I am maintaining around my "goal weight" of 130.
HOWEVER, yesterday, I had proof how FAT I have gotten.
I am a Wedding Hostess at my church. Basically, I'm a wedding coordinator on behalf of the church, to make sure protocol is followed and to answer any questions and to keep the program flowing. I have a dress that I wear for this function. It has been loose in the previous 2 weddings I hosted, but yesterday it was tight around the hips and gut (stomach). Certainly not around the bust area, though, unfortunately.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. But I was very disappointed, to say the least. I loved being thinner. Still, I think that 130 is a healthy weight for myself and my sanity.
I am sadly resolved to living in a larger body than I would like. Oh well, at least it's functional. I shouldn't complain. It's just hard to give up a dream and be resigned to reality.
Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!
as for me, i am in the front lines doing battles with food every minute of every day right now. my once healthy eating has transformed itself over the past 1.5 years into a battleground of gluttony. i have gained about 25 lbs in that time frame. my ankles hurt. and i'm a youthful 26. i need to change my ways. and peanut butter is DEF a trigger for me no doubt! if i were living on my own, i KNOW i'd be at least 25 pounds smaller. there is sooo much temptation here. i may just find myself hanging out at the library for now on. ugh!
Funny thing about that: my good friend today told me i look great and asked me if i lose more weight. No, if anything, i gained a few pounds, but I told her I am really happy, and that's why she thought that. I stick with happy before thinner. :) xo
(That was my weight on Tuesday, but I've had a couple of binges since then and now Thanksgiving -- I'm sure next week's weigh-in won't be so pleasant.)
I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving if you are in American and celebrate it. I wanted to tell you all how thankful I am for the support that I have found here. I cannot possibly thank you enough for your comments and insights and suggestions. Thank you and God bless.
Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!
and HAPPY THANKSGIVING :)
Last time I weighed in, I was at 128.0. I think that is a good weight for my body. I weigh-in on Tuesdays. So that is when I will update my "current weight".
I have been doing much better with eating & exercise. The anxiety is still there, but I'm not dealing with it with food. I plan on asking my therapist for a recommendation to a psychiatrist for something for that, just to take as an "as needed" basis.
The depression, though, is another story... I think I can count the number of "feel good" days on one hand. I don't want any medication for that though because anti-depressants make you gain a ton of weight.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
I take wellbutrin for my depression. It doesn't cause weight gain. For me, depression causes weight gain. Wellbutrin allows me to curb that depression appetite. I did take paxil, zoloft, and prozac before and those medications stimulated my appetite big time. But wellbutrin doesn't. In fact, it does a lot of good in helping me control my appetite. Wellbutrin is also used as a stop smoking medication (packaged under a different name of course) and it has been shown that people with eating disorders should NOT take wellbutrin because it does help us control those activities if we don't have an ED and if we do have an ED it might help control it too much. If you need to take an antidepressant, ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. One of the biggest signals I have that I need to go back on medicine aside from the sadness, is when I start eating and eating and eating and can't seem to stop. Trying to medicate myself with the sugar surge/caloric surge, in order to keep my mood elevated. Yes, I use food as medication to make myself feel better and it is a physical reaction to my body trying to even out the seretonin. I have a problem with seretonin distribution. And it will regulate and then I can go off the meds for a little while, but then it stops proper distribution and I have to get it regulated again. Eating to make myself feel good in my head is a sure sign that I need to get back on medication for a while.
That being said, Wellbutrin is not a weight loss drug..but for folks like me who have seretonin problems, it helps even us out so that we don't turn to food.
Glad you aren't giving up on yourself! That is very positive news!
i am glad you are not dealing with the depression with food. as you can see from my diary, i'm having major issues...and have had those issues for about 1.5 years now of procrastinating and self-healing with food. but it's getting better. i can feel it...
Keep up the good work Donkey!
that's what i do - not necessarily what i think you should or shouldn't do. i am sooooo working to make my life fuller, better, more at ease. and it is a challenge for sure. but if i can do it, well, i KNOW you can.
I'm still here. My weight is up, but that's ok. It's been a very hard month, but I haven't given up on myself.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
All I have to say is that it was a very trying week... But now I have learned that I have to just sit back and let things happen.
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
You are cat person, too! Inky is a tottally black cat, but she looks grey in the picture. Your silver cat must be gourgeous!
Just weighing in for the week. I'm not all that dissatisfied with the number. Initially it said 123.5 (2x) but the third time it registered at 124.0. And then it said that 2 more times. So that is the number I will go with.
I will continue my plan of not tracking calories (except dinner and protein) for the upcoming week. The peace of mind is ... freeing (is that even a word?) ... and as long as my weight is stable, then I think the trade-off is worth it.
Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!
As for J, yes, that's the idea. It's actually breaking the circle, because he may not miss me and want to come back, so I can't count on it. Especially now with a new girl around him. Bad timing, I wish I cut him off while there was no one else for him to go out with. Oh well.
I REALLY wish he misses me, It will hurt so much more if he goes off with this girl and move on...
I hope your plan continues to work for you--you'll probably know pretty quick if you have to go back to counting something. (Freeing is a perfectly good word.)
Have a good one!
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I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I know you've mentioned him in the past.
As for legal problems. No matter what side you're on it's taxing on your psyche. Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't feel a certain way; they're your feelings, you're the one going through it!
BTW, are you still working out, running, shoveling snow, etc?
Hang in there--hope you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon! Though it may seem so, these things CAN'T go on forever!
As for the weight, you had lost way past your goal there for awhile, perhaps you can see that it's not as bad as some of us are doing:-)
Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/03/2009:
so i read your entry from yesterday. many people make "new year's" resolutions. don't worry about the date you resolve to accomplish or work on a goal. January 2nd or 3rd is just as good for making a goal as January 1st.
I also want to let you know that when i read "donkey was here" i smiled!
sorry to hear that life is not how you ever would have planned it to be right now. i really do wish you didn't have to go through a lot of those issues. It's amazing how much we can intertwine weight and eating in the process. As far as we're concerned, I try to love other things in life more than food. yoga is what i try to put more time into, taking my mind off food. how are you doing with your pushups? i've slacked off slightly, but still do them on and off. they were one of the best suggestions you gave me. lol, nah, you gave much better suggestions than that to me. but i'll never forget who motivated me to do them! :)