OK, well, at least I was at 134.0 again this morning. But why am I weighing myself every morning?? No weigh-in tomorrow.
Maybe it's the change in the exercise routine that has me paranoid. Must learn to *breathe deep* and *let go*... No weigh-in tomorrow.
I had not planned on writing tonight but I am feeling depressed. I am going to start seeing a new therapist. The old therapist and I had a conflict of morals. I was going to see him again, but Husband said, "No way, he's a JERK!" and put his foot down. And I don't object, because I know he's right and he's only looking out for me, even though it saddens me that I failed myself with yet another therapist. Am I really that unrepairable?
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!
OK, bear with me. Donkey is having a VERY BAD DAY.
First -- WTF with the weight? Up, down, up, down, up, down. I'm so sick of it. Just read 120 and be done with it.
Second -- I went to the doctor. I told both the nurse and the doctor that I was a compulsive exerciser. They didn't seem too concerned about that. So I guess it must be OK.
I injured the bottom of my foot which has compromised my gait, which in turn injured my knee. The good news is that the doctor could feel no structural damage to the knee. No misalignment either. The BAD news is that I can't use the elliptical for at least a week. Maybe longer. I can use the bike, which not only puts my butt to sleep but doesn't do anything for me. He said it would help me from "losing your edge". So at least he empathizes.
I'm to wear running shoes at all times, from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed. No barefoot, no flats, no slippers, no heals. He gave me some honkin' horse pills that don't DO anything. If I feel better after my prescription is out, then I'm set. If I don't, then we're talking either cortizone shots in the foot (OUCH!) or a referral to the orthopedic doctor.
Needless to say, Donkey is very displeased with ALL OF THIS. If you're going to give me a pain pill, make sure it DOES something. I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to exercise. I'm p*ssed but I'll get over it.
I just wanted to get this off my chest before I try to stuff it down with food.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!
Thanks for stopping by & for the "cheer"... Appreciated very much!
As always, make sure your running shoes are fresh--pain somewhere is usually my first clue that I need new ones.
Well, since I'm logged on, I thought I'd report a weigh-in. I don't know why I weighed in this morning. The weight is heading on down slowly, once again.
I hate this. It goes slowly down, I binge, it goes way up. Repeat.
No --- wait! Don't repeat!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon to see if my compulsive overexercising has caused any long-term damage or if the doctor can help me with my knee foot hip back whatever problem.
Progress as of today: 6 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
I ended the month as I started the month, with binge-eating. I'm not proud of this, but I'm committed to keeping it real. No denial. Just what it is.
In spite of the misleading number on the scale this morning and the bad 1st and 31st, it was not a bad month. Oh, it was painful enough, but I made a lot of progress on the inside: realizations, subconscious motivations, etc.
I'm looking forward to this month. 4 weeks even, starts on a Sunday, ends on a Saturday. Lent begins. Maybe some of the snow will start melting away.
My biggest regret is that I doubt I will be able to resume outdoor running, due to my knee and foot problems. I see a doctor THIS WEEK for sure.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!
Good Evening!
Well, well, look at me. Have I ended the month pretty much where I started, weight-wise? If so, WOW.
I can't believe I didn't weigh myself this morning to do so. Actually, I'm planning on doing so tomorrow (weighing in) and doing measurements too, I guess. ??? I hate measuring. My butt sags so much that my hip measurement is not truly indicative of how big my rear end is. Plus, it's so self-defeating to see my chest measurement decreasing and my hip and waist measurement stagnating. Oh well, at least they aren't increasing....
I'm having some serious problems with my knee and foot, connected with my hip and back (disc) problems. I plan on seeing a doctor this week. This is what overexercising has done for me. I'm hoping it's something that can be healed quickly, but I already know what will be prescribed: NO EXERCISE.
And THEN what will I do???
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!
I wonder if your symptoms are similar to this: http://www.aafp.org/afp/20050415/1545.html
It is fantastic that 99% of your body is muscle, and the definition will come with proper training. Don't kill yourself trying to get to the end, otherwise you will create a new end. Wish I could be there in person to support you. As I cannot, I'll just wish you all the best from where I sit! Stay strong, Donkey!
Thank you for your kind words in comment.... I honestly DO NOT know where my weight would be, over this last year but up up up up up had I not came to DD when I did... I can't leave that behind.. It has been the greates thing for me in the last 30+ years of up/down/up/down/up/down...Not moving "down" none too quick as of late, but workin' on that to :O)
Have a great Sunday!
as for you, why not just exercise less?? rather, if you feel pain, STOP. meaning, if you are on the treadmill and you start to feel some pain, lay off or stop so it doesn't get worse. i know it must be easier said than done but exercise should not hurt.
Now I know what I weigh....
Needless to say, I am conflicted. It is very unusual to see ACTUAL changes in one's body for the better and yet have some stupid scale tell you something negative. However, logically, I was prepared for this. I told you when I started my new weight training program that I anticipated gaining around 5lb.
I have a scale that tells me my body fat %. My % is around 21 (would like it to be lower so that my muscles are more defined). BUT the more important figure is my muscle weight, which supposively -- according to this scale -- says is 99lb. So 99lb of me is muscle.
So I have concluded logically (of course) that the only way for me to really lose any more weight is to have my liver and possibly a lung surgically removed. Perhaps my uterus too. I figure that should take around 15lb off of the scale.
Yep.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!
Thank You for your "sympathy".. I feel like it would of felt better to be dismembered than to look in my dad's eyes as I asked....
Have a great day!
Have a great Thursday!
oh, and muscle is VERY important. you probably look better now than before the shift to weight training!
I have no idea what I weigh. Last Sunday, I had a binge, and then I struggled again on Wednesday. I think Wednesday was worse, but I can't remember. All I can remember thinking was "If this binge had a title, it would be "Pop Tart Party"." Each Pop Tart has 200 calories EACH. And I can tell you, I had more than one.
But that was last Sunday, and this is THIS Sunday.
My weight training program is going well. Cutting down my excessive cardio to 1 hour is also a good thing too. But it seems now that I have replaced the excessive cardio with more weight training, and now --- if I do everything I WANT to do at the gym --- I am there for 3 hours. If I don't allow myself to do all the weight training, then I can cut it down to 2.5 hours. Which is still too much time, in my opinion, but nobody seems to mind, so, so what?
And then I do another 15-30 minutes of training at home in the evenings.
You would think I would be chiseled or buff, but unfortunately, I am not. I have so much leftover fat and skin from my pregnancies and prior abuses in weight. It's like I have this thick layer of blubber covering up all the muscle.
I've tried going low carb to bring out the muscle definition, but all that has lent me is an offensive smell of ammonia when I workout (because my body is burning protein for energy, not carbs or fat). This is not right.
I was so angry and disgusted with my therapist on Friday that I've decided that I will probably not do much more work with him. We've been working on the issue of "Forgiveness". He seems to think that crimes committed against children are indeed forgiveable. I told him he was a sick, sick man.
Progress as of today: 13 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
Sorry to hear of your difficulties with the therapist... Forgiveness is a HUGE word!... God will take care of those that have been the offender... They will have to deal with Him ultimately either way...
Have a good evening.... Take Care!
Thanks for the comments on my cats, they are indeed a lot of fun!
Wishing you a great week!
Finished Week 1 of my new program. :-)
My upper body feels slightly sore, and only temporary. So I know that some progress is being made. I'm also *itching* to make the transition from weight machines to more free weight exercises. I'm wondering if this is reflective of my internal struggle as well. Of not wanting to stay restricted into other people's ideas of what should be, but rather doing my own thing. Hmm, that's something to think about, eh?
Another lesson learned: Just because you use lighter weights on lower body exercises, if you go SLOW enough, you will start to shake and ache just as much as if you were using much heavier weights. Again, to me -- a sign of progress.
OK, and last... Should I tell you?... OK, I will because I'm *so* excited!:
12 days without bingeing!!!!
WOO-HOO!!!!!
I know I'm not out of the woods yet. I did have 3 days where I went above my calorie level by about 300 calories. But that's not the same thing. If I'm wrong about that, please let me know.
And the compulsion to weigh-in this morning was VERY STRONG. I'm glad I didn't. Just.... too risky at this point. My weigh-in days are Wednesdays -- LEAVE IT.
Progress as of today: 13 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
I think your right about the "winter blues".....I do seem to feel this way in the winter.....particularly after Christmas.
(Ignore that "Current Weight" number. It will be back up to 135 tomorrow if I weigh in. My calories were a little on the low side the past 2 days but I am within range today, so I assume my weight will increase as well.)
OK, DDer's here's a question for you:
What is a "butter face"? For example, people commenting on pictures of celebrities and they say "she's a total butter face".
What?
My new weight training program is going very well. I cut down on the cardio, going slower and harder, and doing intervals (either low/high intervals or low/medium/high intervals, which I call "steps").
Then I started lifting heavier on the upper body to build up and lighter on the lower body to "lean out". I want to go out in a sleaveless shirt and hear gasps or see eyes pop. ;-)
EDIT: I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last entry. I want to be completely honest with you all. I plan to gain 5 pounds with my new weight training program. (It's my own program of my own design, not something from an infomercial or a book.)
Which will put me up to 140.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Honestly, I have no idea where the motivation to do this is coming from. Logically (or illogically perhaps), I would tell you to your face 100% truthfully that I want to be thinner & lighter. Yet I feel driven to do this. Not in a pathological sense, but ... well, it's just weird. I don't know why I'm doing this.
I just do it.
Progress as of today: 13 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
Good luck with it!
Ps - A butter face means that "everything looks good...'but-her-face' "...I've heard of it before. In my opinion it's completely rude and whoever thought of it is messed up in the head, but that's just me.
Have a great night! =D
but this isn't my stress. my stress is school with studying not enough for the things that are MOST important...not that i'm doing badly because the tests have been put off till next week....but just hoping that things go right. but really a couple students in my class are pissing me off completely.
so i've made no sense just now.
i've GOT to get out of this stressed state of mind and body. i know yoga won't be possible tomorrow as i'll be on my feet all day. hopefully i don't pass out due to all the swelling/food in my body and trying to be physically agile. i know i'll be fine but it'll be tough tomorrow. lots of sweating for sure due to the excess food and calories in my system.
thanks for supporting me.
see what happens with the muscle. perhaps we build a little muscle and then it's easier to lose the weight?
Have a great evening!
Amazing.
I have been at 135.0 for the past 3 days without much trying. That is to say, if I don't binge, and I don't restrict, and I just stay within calorie range and exercise like I do, I stay at 135.
If I could do this at 130, I'd be more pleased.
I started my new exercise program today. I am very excited about it!!! I have learned that I NEED to do some cardio every day or my back starts to tighten up and it hurts. So the weekends are for light, fun cardio, 1 hour.
I'm going back to weight training on Monday, focusing on heavy weights on my upper body to build it up, get definition and increase strength. Lower body will be lighter weights (more reps, performed slowly), to decrease the "bulk" of my legs.
I've changed ellipticals at the gym, and I prefer to do a slower, harder workout on the machines that have the moving handlebars. So I will do that M-F.
I'm decreasing my cardio, if I can. I think an hour a day is enough. Of course, I think I can do this because the weather is so crappy outside. Once it warms up and the snow and ice melt away, and I can start running outside again.... Well, look out, here we go again.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
as for me, thankfully, i have done everything in my power to NOT fail. this includes taking an extra yoga class so as to prevent too much time on my hands and binge! of course, i also did another class because it is a challenge and, if done right, it is really, really good for my body.
luckily, i don't believe a need cardio everyday. well, i believe i do actually, but because of time and commitment, i don't do it very much. only when i have some extra time. if i weren't studying or in school, i would definitely fullfill the recommeneded at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.
i'm impressed to read how much cardio you do. just make sure you stretch and that your being careful with your body. if you go to a gym, and they offer free classes, see if there's a yoga class. it may help you to take it once a week or so. especially to relax your joints and muscles from the cardio you do!
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NO YOU ARE NOT unrepairable!...... Nor do I believe your unattractive with long hair...... I have tried to wear longer hair, but had a barber for a dad.... I was often called a "boy" when I was growing up with the bocked hair cuts.... and being obese at that time in my life as well.... I LOVE shorter, spiky do's, but not til I get to goal or even lower will I attempt something so risky..... I will tell you a lil' secret or 2 too..... I LOVE the look of a tiny nose stud (wouldn't mind having one, but my family would "Freak out"..Hubby wouldn't as I have asked & he said as long as it wasn't gawdy looking...) and I also wouldn't mind getting a "hidden tatoo" to commemerate my 82#'s being gone to remind me of all the hard work it will have taken to reach that goal...Probably neither will ever happen as far as piercing or tatooing.... Just a couple fantasies...
Hang in there with the therapist situation(s).... Sometimes I think those type of things area bout like buying a "sued car"... Have to go through some lemons to reach a dependable...... Feel your self-worth my firend, cause you are worth the effort you put into bettering your physical & mental health, but within reason of course (hint hint)...
Not to sound corny or anything Donk, but everyone (or most I should say) here @ DD has a piece of my heart and I say "I love you" just as you are.... I'm far from perfect and have a long ways to go, but I think it is important for us to spread what love or positive vibes each other's way in each of our struggles, no matter what that may be.....
Have a good evening and I'm thankful for you hubby stepping foot down to protect you!
thinnside40 on 02/05/2009:
Geeze.. A USED car... I can't read beyond a certain point in the comment field when I'm typing....
mama_nurse on 02/05/2009:
Gosh...I'm sorry you're having a tough time...hope you have a great night:)) and good job for posting and sticking to your routine!!!
loveray on 02/06/2009:
im feeling really down this week too...maybe its something about winter! i am actually seeking a new therapist as well. at least you are willing to take a look at your "stuff" and possibly receive help. happy friday- take a deep breath and smile. xoxo