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Donkey - Tuesday Jan 06, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

Yesterday, I had a very bad Fat Day.  Some days, I am able to contain my disdain for my body, but yesterday, I was so frustrated that I am stuck inside this large body that I couldn't keep quiet about it any more.

My husband thinks I'm nuts.

I stopped weight training for the week.  For my new routine, I am going to focus on defining the muscles in my upper body:  a strong back, defined shoulders, firm triceps and biceps, maintain the chest to counterbalance the back.  Less emphasis on the lower body:  light weights, many SLOW reps.

I will see if I can mold my body more so to the proportions I would like, mainly a smaller "donkey", if you know what I mean....

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

SkinnyFatGirl on 01/06/2009:
you sound like me! how tall are you?

I just started this 12 week program.. I'm really trying to do some body sculpting too.. I do weight training.. and I go through off seasons and on seasons.. this winter

I went way off!.. now I'm trying to get back in it!.. trying to get to 16 percent body fat in 12 weeks..

What does your program look like.. looks like you have had a lot of success so far

skinnyjeans on 01/06/2009:
Don't feel bad! You weight 135! That is fantastic! My GOAL weight is 179. Ha. But anyway, good luck with your goals! You can do it...just stay positive!

greengirl on 01/06/2009:
Donkey, my husband has thought I was nuts for the last 25 years !! Good luck with your efforts, Sweetheart :)

grumpy on 01/06/2009:
I know what you mean, I wanna see it. You should start posting Donkey pics for us! Xo.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/08/2009:
LOL. you CAN totally mold yourself. at least i think so. i don't think its possible for the general population to be perfect with their body in every proportion. meaning, there are times when we concentrate on some things most but there needs to be leeway with other aspects of our bodies. unless, of course, it were your full time job to perfect yourself.

like me with yoga. i'm spending my time doing that, not cardio. and it's what i like and actually helping me enough to stick with it.

so for you, concentrating on upper body, is a great idea. therefore you can put that emphasis on it and get results.

WI3 on 01/08/2009:
I would like a smaller backside as well! It is freaking HUGE lol. Well, no such luck, my behind will always be ROUND *sigh* oh well, at least I have one and don't have to buy padded undies, eh?

I think the most wonderful thing is to see that definition in the upper body. I cannot wait to be back there again! You will do fine!

Justine6Robert3 on 01/08/2009:
My husband knows I'm nuts lol....he's even told me I have "LTD" which he said stands for "Loony Toon Disorder"! He loves me just the same and God bless him for putting up with me! Switching up your work-out might be just what your body needs to give you more results, it sounds like a good plan to change your focus with your exercises! I just love reading your entries, even on your bad days your sense of humour still shines through :0) I know that a "smaller" Donkey is completely obtainable for you because you are determined and you always stick with it! Hang in there Donkey!!!

Justine6Robert3 on 01/08/2009:
....and yes PMS is brutal!!! I can't even stand myself sometimes a day or two before it comes, I get so cranky....and HUNGRY, ugh!

Donkey - Saturday Jan 03, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 137.0

Down a pound but I had to fight my scale for that.  It just AMAZES me that it is SO EASY to put ON the weight but takes FOREVER to get it off.

I have decided that this year, my focus is going to be on my eating issues.  I guess this would make me the anti-Jolt (hi Jolt!) because I'm working on the opposite issues as she.  Last year, I got a real handle on the fitness:  running, weight training, changing my physique while she worked on the food issues.  Now we'll switch places, I guess.

I have to do this because it seems that whenever life throws me a curveball -- and I feel like I've been thrown so many curveballs in 2008 that it's like a game of dodgeball, except that I'm like 1 against 1,000,000 -- whenever life throws me a punch in the gut, I start to have food issues again, either too much or too little.  So this is something that I really NEED to learn how to get a handle on.  I'm not saying "cured" or "overcome", but I need to learn to cope.  Basically, that's what it comes down to.

(Note to self:  Don't play Dodgeball with God; you know who will win.)

You know, this just occured to me too, but I have issues with exercising too much.  I ...um... don't know what to do or how to deal with that.  How do you know when it becomes a problem?  Hmm....

Progress as of today: 7 lbs lost so far, only 7 lbs to go!

WI3 on 01/03/2009:
Happy New Year!!

I was sorry to read about your December. My sympathy on the loss of your grandfather.

I don't know how to tell when too much exercise becomes a problem. Except maybe if you are working out and then start beating yourself up because an hour a day isn't enough, or whatever time you spend on exercise doesn't seem good enough. I do remember having a worry for you two years ago when you were really really pushing yourself. Not because of the exercise but because you hated yourself and came down really hard on yourself when you could only exercise for half an hour on some days. But then I don't know.

thinnside40 on 01/03/2009:
I know that I'm no work-out enthusiast...BUT, when I have exercised, walked, etc... I do feel like going more right away, cause I REALIZE that the problem was just with "getting started"... Feeling eager to get this done is the trouble with me.... but, it can't all be done in one day and to realize that stinks... Ugh.... I WANT it GONE NOW!

Donkey - Friday Jan 02, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 138.0

I did not do well yesterday at all. 

I can't think of anything else to say, except that I do want to thank everyone who wrote yesterday for their support.  I have to say, I am grateful for the support and encouragement that you all offer here.  Thank you so much...

Progress as of today: 6 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!

biscottibody59 on 01/03/2009:
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I know you've mentioned him in the past.

As for legal problems. No matter what side you're on it's taxing on your psyche. Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't feel a certain way; they're your feelings, you're the one going through it!

BTW, are you still working out, running, shoveling snow, etc?

Hang in there--hope you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon! Though it may seem so, these things CAN'T go on forever!

As for the weight, you had lost way past your goal there for awhile, perhaps you can see that it's not as bad as some of us are doing:-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/03/2009:
so i read your entry from yesterday. many people make "new year's" resolutions. don't worry about the date you resolve to accomplish or work on a goal. January 2nd or 3rd is just as good for making a goal as January 1st.

I also want to let you know that when i read "donkey was here" i smiled!

sorry to hear that life is not how you ever would have planned it to be right now. i really do wish you didn't have to go through a lot of those issues. It's amazing how much we can intertwine weight and eating in the process. As far as we're concerned, I try to love other things in life more than food. yoga is what i try to put more time into, taking my mind off food. how are you doing with your pushups? i've slacked off slightly, but still do them on and off. they were one of the best suggestions you gave me. lol, nah, you gave much better suggestions than that to me. but i'll never forget who motivated me to do them! :)

Donkey - Thursday Jan 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 136.0

Wow, I gained almost 10lb since the last time I posted.  And believe it or not, my weight was as high as 140.0 at one point in December.

December was a horrible month.  I don't know if I should even rehash what happened.  My grandfather died.  My legal problems got worse.  My depression reached rock bottom.

Thing is, the legal problems, the weight and the depression aren't going away just because it's a new year.  So ....  I'm obviously carrying issues from 2008 into 2009.  Not exactly the "Fresh Start" I was hoping for or needing, but we don't always get what we need or want in life.

I do hope though to post more regularly here.  I want to shed this extra weight.  I hate it. It's very uncomfortable to be carrying around such heavy burdens.

Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

grumpy on 01/01/2009:
Hey Donkey, I hope 2009 is the year you overcome your problems! You go through so much and you're hanging in there, so you can do it! I was so depressed about all the J crap that I was thinking the only thing that will make me feel better is to lose weight. So let's do that and things will be brighter. Xo

greengirl on 01/01/2009:
Good to hear from you Donkey, but I wish your news was better. I know it's not much comfort but we are here to support you as best we can. Condolences on the death of your Grandfather and I will be praying that your problems will become easier to bear in the coming year. Keep your chin up, kiddo. 'HUGS' from Manchester, UK coming your way !

Justine6Robert3 on 01/01/2009:
Hi Donkey, it's been a really long time.....sorry to hear your struggling right now. My condolences on the loss of your Grandfather. I'm really sorry that your depression has been such a struggle. I also suffer from depression and it seems to be something that I'm battling particularly hard right now. I know there have been many triggers and alot of tough things that have happened this past year for me although there has also been alot of good things as well. For some reason it's been harder for me lately to just focus on the good. I know alot of my weight gain is from emotional eating and really just not liking myself to much....I'm working on that....well, always working on that one :0)

What ever your struggles may be, just know that things will get better and you are worth it and therefore you deserve to be healthy and happy. I'll be thinking of you and I really hope this year things get better for you!

loveray on 01/02/2009:
im so sorry to hear about your loss- i lost both of my grandparents on the same day about 2 years ago and i think i am still grieving. it is so hard to not turn that pain and sorrow inward, but loving ourselves enough to seek help, feel the pain and be with the loss are so much more rewarding in the long run than wallowing in the pain with food. i wish you a happy and healthy new year! xoxo

skinnyjeans on 01/02/2009:
So sorry to hear about your crappy December. I hope you have a wonderful 2009.

Donkey - Monday Dec 08, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 127.5

How does a person forgive herself?  Especially when the transgression is something that is totally incompatable with how she identifies herself with?

Ideas?  Insight?

Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

selina on 12/08/2008:
Hi Donkey! I'm so glad you found my comment to HoP helpful to you, you are most welcome and thank you for mentioning it to me - You made my day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/09/2008:
a person forgives themselves easily if they do not want to be putting up a fight with themselves every time they look in the mirror. that's my answer today at least. going to yoga, i'm about to murder myself with every glance i take (which is for almost 90 minutes straight). i am personally at arms with myself and i know that i'm better off NOT being that way. for i will reach happiness faster...and success. i feel this is a good strategy for anyone.

grumpy on 12/21/2008:
Hi Donkey, came to check on you. Let us know how you are doing. As for your question, I am trying to do that too. I think of what a DDer wrote once, and it made a lot of sense to me. She said once that she would start treating herself like she treats her daughter. She gave a good example about how if the little girl said she ate some candy in school, she would never say to her "oh great, you already f***ed up, so eat this bag of cookies" which is what we do to ourselves. Her example was great, I think. And also can be applied to forgiving yourself. Because we're so much more forgiving to other than ourselves. So use the example on another person and see how you'd react towards it. Hope it helps. Xo

thinnside40 on 12/22/2008:
Donkey~ Thank You!...... Not being one to comment on my posts usually, then to get the hug from you today totally brought tears to my eyes to know that people I don't really know other than reading/commenting on their diary feel compelled to just be nice for comforting reasons..... Haven't cried all day til now and for that I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, cause I have been fighting it all day... I'm alone now for a bit and this was a great tie to be able to let go...

Blessings to you & yours this season!

biscottibody59 on 12/23/2008:
Thanks for your support--it makes all the difference in the world:-) The "usual suspects" like BTC and geevee and a bunch of others you wouldn't remember are long gone from here and I probably should have moved on long ago too. If I'd known I was going to be nostalgic about a stupid website, I probably wouldn't have ever logged on here, but I would probably weigh 400 pounds by now too!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/24/2008:
i hope all is well donkey. i read what biscotti wrote above. but i think its perfectly fine to stay on this site. lots of people need support and that's the point of this website!

thinnside40 on 12/31/2008:
Best of wishes in ringing in the New Year.... Take Care & Keep Safe!

Donkey - Saturday Dec 06, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 127.5

This weigh-in is from a couple of days ago.  I may or may not have lost more since.  I don't know.  I'm having a hard time eating enough again, but some days, I do eat enough to compensate (i.e. I eat a lot more, but no bingeing -- and that's GOOD.)

The only thing time I am happy is when I'm exercising.  It is my only joy in life right now.

Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/06/2008:
exercise should be a joy. i remember those days when i considered it moreso a joy than i do now. i want those days back!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/07/2008:

skinnyjeans on 12/07/2008:
Yes, that is great you are enjoying working out! I hope you have a great week. :)

Donkey - Saturday Nov 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.0

Do not be fooled by my "Current Weight".  My weigh-in days are on Tuesdays.... but I took a sneak-peek this morning to see how much damage I had done -- with holiday and emotional eating and then TOM on top of everything!  >:-(

And my weight was 132.5.  So essentially, I am maintaining around my "goal weight" of 130. 

HOWEVER, yesterday, I had proof how FAT I have gotten.

I am a Wedding Hostess at my church.  Basically, I'm a wedding coordinator on behalf of the church, to make sure protocol is followed and to answer any questions and to keep the program flowing.  I have a dress that I wear for this function.  It has been loose in the previous 2 weddings I hosted, but yesterday it was tight around the hips and gut (stomach).  Certainly not around the bust area, though, unfortunately.

I have no one to blame for this but myself.  But I was very disappointed, to say the least.  I loved being thinner.  Still, I think that 130 is a healthy weight for myself and my sanity.

I am sadly resolved to living in a larger body than I would like.  Oh well, at least it's functional. I shouldn't complain.  It's just hard to give up a dream and be resigned to reality.

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/29/2008:
I know I gained at least 5 pounds over the last couple of days. And while some of that will go away as soon as the massive food has moved all the way through my system, I am quite sure that I have gained a solid pound at least. The nature of the holidays, why we all get caught up in the fat cycle. I've had enough of food! It just isn't worth it to eat so much. *sigh*

loveray on 11/29/2008:
130 is a perfect weight and you are not FAT! just try to be as compassionate as you can (easier said than done, i know!) because our bodies know when we are being mean to them. love you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/29/2008:
you are a smooth talker lady. you are doing well and i am proud of you. i feel this entry sounds mature in that you are accepting who you believe you really are. its as hard as anything. i remember you did sound so happy last year at that weight (around 130). so who knows.

as for me, i am in the front lines doing battles with food every minute of every day right now. my once healthy eating has transformed itself over the past 1.5 years into a battleground of gluttony. i have gained about 25 lbs in that time frame. my ankles hurt. and i'm a youthful 26. i need to change my ways. and peanut butter is DEF a trigger for me no doubt! if i were living on my own, i KNOW i'd be at least 25 pounds smaller. there is sooo much temptation here. i may just find myself hanging out at the library for now on. ugh!

grumpy on 11/30/2008:
Well, girl, to be honest I am glad you're sticking to 130. I have seen you tell us you were way less than that and that worries me a little. We have sometimes visions of ourselves that are distorted. I am sure you're doing the best to your body and health and I think when you make peace with it, you will see yourself more objectively and beautiful in your own body.

Funny thing about that: my good friend today told me i look great and asked me if i lose more weight. No, if anything, i gained a few pounds, but I told her I am really happy, and that's why she thought that. I stick with happy before thinner. :) xo

WI3 on 11/30/2008:
And that is a really cool thing to do at the church! If I ever get married again, I'll have to hook up with you! =)

Donkey - Thursday Nov 27, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.0

(That was my weight on Tuesday, but I've had a couple of binges since then and now Thanksgiving -- I'm sure next week's weigh-in won't be so pleasant.)


I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving if you are in American and celebrate it.  I wanted to tell you all how thankful I am for the support that I have found here.  I cannot possibly thank you enough for your comments and insights and suggestions.  Thank you and God bless.

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/27/2008:
happy thanksgiving to you too. lately, even if i REALLY don't feel like going to yoga i go. it has helped me look at my own body in the mirror and not totally freak out...or binge completely. i don't know - last night i was expecting to look HORRIBLE in the mirror as i did yoga but it actually wasn't so bad. do something good for yourself.


skinnyjeans on 11/28/2008:
Thank you for the nice well wishes! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

loveray on 11/28/2008:
thank you for all you are and all you do! xoxo

Donkey - Sunday Nov 23, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

Last time I weighed in, I was at 128.0.  I think that is a good weight for my body.  I weigh-in on Tuesdays.  So that is when I will update my "current weight".

I have been doing much better with eating & exercise.  The anxiety is still there, but I'm not dealing with it with food.  I plan on asking my therapist for a recommendation to a psychiatrist for something for that, just to take as an "as needed" basis.

The depression, though, is another story...  I think I can count the number of "feel good" days on one hand.  I don't want any medication for that though because anti-depressants make you gain a ton of weight.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/23/2008:
Hi there! Yes, I volunteer at the hospital to sit with hospice patients. The program I am involved in is called NODA (No One Dies Alone) and many hospitals have programs like it. I don't believe anyone should die alone either.

I take wellbutrin for my depression. It doesn't cause weight gain. For me, depression causes weight gain. Wellbutrin allows me to curb that depression appetite. I did take paxil, zoloft, and prozac before and those medications stimulated my appetite big time. But wellbutrin doesn't. In fact, it does a lot of good in helping me control my appetite. Wellbutrin is also used as a stop smoking medication (packaged under a different name of course) and it has been shown that people with eating disorders should NOT take wellbutrin because it does help us control those activities if we don't have an ED and if we do have an ED it might help control it too much. If you need to take an antidepressant, ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. One of the biggest signals I have that I need to go back on medicine aside from the sadness, is when I start eating and eating and eating and can't seem to stop. Trying to medicate myself with the sugar surge/caloric surge, in order to keep my mood elevated. Yes, I use food as medication to make myself feel better and it is a physical reaction to my body trying to even out the seretonin. I have a problem with seretonin distribution. And it will regulate and then I can go off the meds for a little while, but then it stops proper distribution and I have to get it regulated again. Eating to make myself feel good in my head is a sure sign that I need to get back on medication for a while.

That being said, Wellbutrin is not a weight loss drug..but for folks like me who have seretonin problems, it helps even us out so that we don't turn to food.

Glad you aren't giving up on yourself! That is very positive news!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/23/2008:
:) due to a copy and paste of my original entry which i deleted, your first comment got deleted! and, worst of all, i didn't get to read it first! only when i went to check my email did i see you had left a comment that i had not read! :( so i have NO CLUE what you wrote before bc i didn't get a chance to read it! :( as of today, i am thinking that i should suck it up and go. so that's what i'll prob do...unless some others aren't going. that's the ONLY way i will not go. i'll find out tomorrow i guess...at school.... :)

i am glad you are not dealing with the depression with food. as you can see from my diary, i'm having major issues...and have had those issues for about 1.5 years now of procrastinating and self-healing with food. but it's getting better. i can feel it...

skinnyjeans on 11/23/2008:
Good to know you are not dealing with your anxiety with food. Excellent! :) Also good to hear you have been doing much better with eating & excercise. Keep up the good work!

biscottibody59 on 11/24/2008:
Not using food to deal with your anxiety is a big ol' positive--I mean I wish we all didn't have the anxiety in the first place--but you're many steps ahead if you can keep it up. I know people who take Klonopin on an as needed basis. One friend goes with the lowest dose daily--sometimes even broken in half (I think) because apparently it can make some people quite sleepy.

Keep up the good work Donkey!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/24/2008:
i feel all of your pain, all of your sorrow. of course it's different pain and sorrow, but i can sympathize. sometimes we think life cannot get any nastier. so what do i do? i look towards others. i see how my life is precious. i find anything. seriously anything. and i choose to be thankful for what i do have.

that's what i do - not necessarily what i think you should or shouldn't do. i am sooooo working to make my life fuller, better, more at ease. and it is a challenge for sure. but if i can do it, well, i KNOW you can.

Donkey - Tuesday Nov 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

I'm still here.  My weight is up, but that's ok.  It's been a very hard month, but I haven't given up on myself.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/19/2008:
never give up!! i am so glad you are still here and writing. hope you continue to take care.

grumpy on 11/19/2008:
good, you can't give up! i wish you could see yourself in the same loving and respectful way you see us. you're way too hard on yourself. i have the same tendencies and that's why i threw that in here. may be insightful or i may be off. in any case, i am happy to hear from you and I have been having my setbacks, but then i try to manage and I am still here. hopefully i will see some weight loss till xmas. xoxo

greengirl on 11/19/2008:
Chin up, Donkey !

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/20/2008:
never, ever give up.

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