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Donkey - Friday Sep 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

OK, so we're due for another weekend....

I'm sorry I cannot go into detail about what is troubling me IRL. Maybe some day I can, but right now, I cannot. What I can say is that it has me very troubled and upset. It challenges everything I thought I was, as a person and a mother, and who other people were and are capable of doing to another person. It's hard to believe that there are "good people" out there who would stoop so low to bring someone down to nothing, just to save their own a***s.

Monday and Tuesday were particularly hard. On Monday, I believe I ate a whole half-gallon of ice cream. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Or maybe it was the peanut butter and Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread). I don't know -- I can't remember. Ha, it's bad when all of your binges start to blend in together, eh? (weak laugh & wry smile)

Anyway, so my weight was up to 124.5 on Tuesday, but it's on its way back down again. After the last binge, I made a conscious effort to change how I see some of my trigger foods. Several years back, I made the decision or realization that I could no longer have any potato chips (crisps, for my friends in the UK) in the house. If I did, I would eat them all. Sometimes I go through this with peanut butter (where I have to get it out of the house completely), and lately it's been with ice cream.

So I put all of the ice cream out in the garage freezer. (Thank GOD for that freezer.) Anyone who wants ice cream has to go out there and get it himself and serve him or herself. I don't go near it, I don't serve it, I don't smell/touch/handle/taste it. I don't dare.

And I'm hoping that I can get to the point with ice cream as I am with potato chips.

Yesterday was Thursday and I was very depressed. But I think I'm coming out of that now. Part of that depression may have been due to coming off of a sugar-high from Monday/Tuesday. It also could have been due to hormones, as PMS is about to kick in, in a few days. Or it could have been my IRL circumstances. Hard to tell... I was glad that I could tell my therapist.

It's ironic, because I'm seeing this therapist for PTSD and related anxiety, yet my "old ghosts" of eating issues and depression seem to keep popping up. I don't want to spend my time/$ working on these "old ghosts"; I want to deal with the issue at hand. Unfortunately, things aren't always so perfect......

My Husband has to work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday. Another lonely weekend....

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Agent_Guber on 09/12/2008:
I am going through that myself. I am sorry you are feeling this way too. I say I don't know why I am depressed but I do, I just don't want to open up with it all. It is devastating to think of. Anyways, I am sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/12/2008:
sorry to hear about your ongoing struggle and that it has been more difficult as of late. i totally understand how it must feel. i will also have a difficult time this weekend with all the treats around me. i may just try to stay busy. that is my plan. and tonight i'll take a break from the gym and just study.

hormones probably play a MUCH larger role than we think. i went to attempt to donate blood yesterday and i had low iron. and they measure twice...once on each hand. low iron may have affected my binge today...gonna look that up.

i believe that if anything this website helps us stay on track. i am proud of you for continuing to stay positive on the eating end of this. btw, eating issues will probably always be with us...as they sometimes remain a way of coping with more difficult issues. it is up to us to find better ways...

WI3 on 09/13/2008:
Donkey, no need to explain. It is evident that you are going through such a difficult time in your life right now..and no matter what it is, I'm over here rooting for you and understanding the feelings that come with it...if not the exact situation. I know what you mean about dealing with the old ghosts..it is exhausting to think that you had those things solved, and then they come back around. I stopped thinking I had to solve everything and just decided to focus on dealing with it instead. I think I'll carry some of my crosses for a long time, if not forever.

I do admire your dedication to yourself and your health. Both physical and mental. Your husband has a job that requires sooooooooooo much time away from home...so does Brian. Sometimes I just want to call his boss and scream at him..can't you guys survive without him working fifteen hours a day? But it wouldn't do any good anyway. There is something harder about being alone with someone, than being alone by ourselves. And once in a while I find it feels really good to throw a huge fit!

The biggest problem I am having right now is not trying to control everyone else, and I am finding that I am not as good at controlling myself as I thought. Without caring for everyone else, I have to really be alone with myself..and sometimes that is really uncomfortable. And then I turn to food. It sucks! But I am trying to break that attitude addiction. Like you, there are things that I simply cannot have in the house..chocolate is my big thing. If I buy chocolate, I will eat all of it. I sure won't throw it away!

Take care of yourself.

greengirl on 09/13/2008:
I wish there was something I could say to help. Try to keep your chin up, Donkey !

Donkey - Saturday Sep 06, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 120.0

Just checking in. I guess it's like a Reality Check. I feel so numb that I'm not sure if I'm feeling good or bad, strong or weak.

Last night, I just got to the point where I was like, "**** this" and just gave it up. Things will resolve themselves however they will. Some things are just beyond my control...

Progress as of today: 24 lbs lost so far, only -10 lbs to go!

anewhb on 09/06/2008:
Not sure what is going on with you......anything I can do for you from here?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/06/2008:
all of us are so angry lately, using lots of "**** this and **** that!" myself included.

but, what are you saying is beyond your control?? Talk to us.

Maria7 on 09/06/2008:
Congratlations on being at goal!!! Hope you feel better!

grumpy on 09/07/2008:
Hey Donkey, my mom has a big sign on her backyard deck that says "Don't worry, it may not happen". I love it, as it reminds us not to fret and worry ourselves to death over things we don't even know if will happen or not or things we have no control over. I think you're last line is a good realization. Just take care of yourself and don't ever give up. xo

Jen40 on 09/08/2008:
Hey, what's up? Personally, I rather like all the stars in posts like yours, cuz I always feel like using them and saying things like that but I'm a big fat cowardly chicken. If you feel like elaborating, know we're listening, and if you don't, we're still sending support and hugs.

WI3 on 09/08/2008:
Hey Donkey!!!! I know how you feel!! I must say this weekend of just getting into my own head and thinking about ME and nobody else..was something that was looooooooooooooooong overdue. I mean not just thinking about what was wrong in my life but what I HONESTLY want in my life and how I can do it for myself...I can't wait for someone else to do it for me, and I can't hold out and hope that the people I am closest to will give me the things I need. I either had to let them go, or realize that they love me with everything they have and if I feel unfulfilled that the problem is with me. And I found out that I have a lot of problems LOL. With the honesty and discovery there was freedom.

I really really wish you the best. I think you are a wonderful person who has always been so giving to everyone else here. Even if that one person said you were being nasty...I NEVER saw you be nasty to anyone. But you may also be codependant...something to check out. I honestly think it is something women are suffering with more than anyone because we are told we have to be the nurturers....well so freaking what...you deserve to love yourself and if you could 'see' yourself through my eyes you would think you are pretty cool like I do. Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger for a really long time like before. You were missed!

Donkey - Friday Sep 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.5

Donkey is not doing well right now. I think like WI3, I am just going to step back a bit and focus on well-being. Of course, having said that, I'll probably post all weekend long, lol. That'd be ok too...

Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

Agent_Guber on 09/05/2008:
I havent been feeling well either, emotionally.

anewhb on 09/05/2008:
AWWWW, what's wrong Donk? Hope you perk up soon!

liza36 on 09/05/2008:
Take care of yourself first and foremost! Don't be gone long. Have a good weekend.

jon'smom on 09/05/2008:
Take care of yourself. Enjoy the weekend.

Jen40 on 09/06/2008:
Hope today is a brighter day for you. It sounds like you've been getting some excellent workouts!

Donkey - Wednesday Sep 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Still maintaining at this weight. Had a great run today -- perfect, cool weather now that the humidity has left us. Cloudy, breezy, slightly chilly.

Had a killer workout on the StepMill today too. Really felt it in my legs. I hope that my legs are not becoming too muscular though.

I have nothing positive to add to this entry, emotionally or personally speaking, so I will end it here and now. I am still determined to fight the urge to binge this month. Today will be Day 3 if I can make it through. Last night was an *incredible* battle. Very stressed out and anxious and emotional. Had an extra dish of frozen fruit instead of the half-gallon of ice cream I wanted to drown myself in...

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/03/2008:
I'm VERY proud for you! haha, a dream of mine is to have muscular legs (or, not flabby legs). I don't think legs can possibly become too muscular...unless you are a body builder or something.

i hope and want you to be right about my eating patterns getting better when i'm working towards an important goal. this is all stupidity!

omahagrl on 09/03/2008:
You can do it!!! Great exercise as I need to get my butt going. We also are having fall like weather which is awesome. Keep positive thoughts!!

grumpy on 09/04/2008:
Good deal, I also got all bingy this afternoon and had some watermelon. I still have a high cal day, but could have been much worse. xo

Donkey - Monday Sep 01, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

A new month, a new beginning....

I have high hopes for September. I would like to have just ONE month, please, that goes well, diet and exercise-wise.

Today I heard about someone setting their goals for Christmas. What a lovely thought - Christmas goals. Made me *hunger* for long-term goals that I would like to achieve as the seasons change.

I am looking forward to winter with optimism, instead of my usual dread (because of the lack of sunlight).

CLARIFICATION: It is not that I *prefer* winter to summer. I am a summer person all the way. Can't run outside in the winter time :-( But I am (trying to be) optimistic about the changes. I think it's time for a change, in a LOT of things.

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Beth201P on 09/01/2008:
Winter was never my favorite season. I prefer warmth, plus I hate driving with me on winter roads. lol Have a good week.

grumpy on 09/01/2008:
I agree on that we need to be open and optimistic to changes. Disagree thought, that you dont ever have a good month on diet ad exercising, though, i mean, look at your averages.. you were 14 pounds heavier in March. You're doing fantastic. xo

grumpy on 09/01/2008:
hahaha, the best friend is a very sweet guy, actually, but of course i fell for the jerk. hahahaha

anewhb on 09/01/2008:
I just wrote on LaFemmeLoca's diary that I seem to be energized in Fall. Hope that holds true this year. After reading your post I think I'll try to "see" myself at thinner at the end of Sept than at the beginning. Kind of make that my focus......Have a good week.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/01/2008:
I am totally in your boat. I am optimistc about some things with winter that i am usually not so upbeat about. i'm looking foward to school and change, etc. i love summer just as you do. but, instead of resisting change, we should look to see how we can make it the best it can be. why are you so set on ONE month to go well...remember not to get to strict with yourself and your idea of what it means for something to go well. if you get to stuck on that it can stress you out. (just an idea of how i would be.)

Donkey - Sunday Aug 31, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 120.5

I gained 5lb this month. But I learned a lot about myself. And I did a lot too, exercise-wise.

I am so ready to put this month behind me.

Progress as of today: 23.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/31/2008:
feel free to share with us what you have learned! it could do us all some good. i am ready to put the summer behind me! :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/31/2008:
exercise is MOST important!

Beth201P on 08/31/2008:
I can so relate. Hang in there. It will get better for us. ((Hugs))

lafemme_loca on 09/01/2008:
I love the quote from Bill Keane: "Yesterday's the past and tomorrow's the future. Today is a gift - which is why they call it the present." Today is when you can start fresh ! I hope that September is a month full of gifts and blessings for you !

Donkey - Saturday Aug 30, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.0

OK, I didn't realize that I never got around to editing Friday's entry. So here's a fresh entry for Saturday.

I survived the carnival :-) I was most apprehensive about the food part of it, but let me tell you -- the funnel cake that I bought for the kids was $7!!! What a rip-off!! I am SO glad that they agreed to split one -- AND that they did not feel like finishing it. I guess all those rides made their stomachs not so hardy. Heh heh. That's why we do the rides FIRST and THEN buy the funnel cake.

So I wrapped up what was left of the funnel cake and brought it home for Husband, who was only too happy to have it when he came home from work. Funnel cake is like pancake batter drizzled into a big old web-like mess and then deep fried and then dusted with powdered sugar, if you are unaware of such evils in the food world.

I stuck to my pre-planned snacks and meal plan. But I was very happy that I had made my Big Salad ahead of time because after 3 hours of standing watching the kids on the rides, I was so very tired. It was bad enough having to prepare leftovers for the kids for their dinner -- but quite honestly, I am very happy that they chose to eat healthy leftovers at home than corn dogs at the fair.

Today was the parade. I ran into one of my neighbors who said, "You've lost weight haven't you? Wow, you look great!" That was nice to hear because after having lost about 15lb in 3 months, I personally thought I looked like ****. So see, Donkey has been wrong about her weight loss too. Leave it to Donkey to take a good thing and get all worried about it. I truly am an Eeyore. (Wasn't Eeyore a mule? Or was he a Donkey too?)

I woke up and went to the gym early this morning for a light and short(er) workout on the elliptical. Came home, ate, cleaned up and walked to the street with the parade. Brought along a snack and a water bottle, but the parade was not as long as it was last year, so I did not even start on the water bottle. There it sits on the kitchen table waiting for me still. Ugh. Of course, I've had something like 7 cups of coffee though.

So it's definitely time to start working on the water. Because when I don't drink water and I feel anxious, well... you know what that can lead to... very dangerous eating. Let's not go there, Eeyore.

(Maybe if I change my DD name like everyone else has, I will change it to Eeyore. I do not want to be left out.)

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/30/2008:
HEHE! Eeyore...one college friend gave me that nickname once! kinda a weird guy who thought i sounded like eeyore when i spoke - so that nickname never lasted!

Planning is everything when it comes to a good diet. Planning and having healthy food around to choose from. :) So, I have been doing better with that lately. It is good to hear you are doing those things too and that you're kids are learning from a good role model! :)

Donkey - Friday Aug 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

Believe it or not, my weight was 123.0 yesterday. August has been a horrible month of ups and downs. Not just weight but also emotionally.

But I'm glad that I'm going into the weekend with a lower number. I am preparing for the weekend too. There's a big carnival and parade thing to do this weekend, and since Husband has to work all weekend long, 12+ hour shifts, I guess I'll be doing the married single-parent thing.

Will edit more... Just wanted to report my weigh-in first.

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 08/29/2008:
The carnival and parade sound fun! Wish I lived in your area, I'd go with you and the kids! Thank you for the entry on my diary. It makes me feel better to know that there is someone else out there who knows where I am coming from.

Jen40 on 08/29/2008:
My husband works a lot too, I'm lucky if he chooses to take off either Saturday OR Sunday, and I get so so tired of parenting alone and him doing his part by phone. It's a very lonely existance sometimes, at least for me it is. I'm around here most weekends, so go ahead and post an entry! I'll read it.

Maria7 on 08/29/2008:
Hang in there!

Beth201P on 08/29/2008:
You are doing great. Hope you have a good weekend. Sorry to hear that your huband will not be able to join you. Enjoy your weekend.

lafemme_loca on 08/30/2008:
Enjoy your weight being down and the fun of having a weekend. It isn't fun being a married single parent... I hope that you can enjoy the kids and the carnival.

Donkey - Monday Aug 25, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

I have decided to change things a bit about my postings:

1. I need to have some accountability for what I do over the weekends, so I will be posting my weigh-ins here on Mondays.

2. I have problems with eating on Friday nights, so I will most likely be posting here then as well, because it's better to blog than to binge.

3. I will probably post over the weekends as well. Even though it tends to be quiet here on weekends, I get lonely -- especially if my husband is working late -- and weekends can be difficult because my time is unstructured, too.

My kids start school today, so my entire workout & eating schedule is off. I've got to figure out how I'm going to fit in gym workouts and running workouts and weight training into the time that I have available. I'm up at 5:15a and the kids don't need to get up until 6:45a. That's a lot of time, but it is dark and chilly outside, so running outside isn't very appealing. Hmm... Maybe on my running days, I will go to the gym super early so that I can run after the kids have left.

I also have to figure out what I'm going to do about lunchtime, because I tend to have lunch and then keep eating, and eating, and eating. So if it means I have to go back to the gym to stop myself from over-eating, then so be it. (It's cheaper than going shopping.)

Today, since it is the first day of school, I am going to the gym after they leave and see how it goes with with just doing everything in one visit. Honestly though, unless it's to prevent a binge, I cannot $$ afford to be driving to the gym 2x a day. Yes, it's only 7 miles away, but that adds up when it comes to fuel costs.

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

selina on 08/25/2008:
Sounds like you've got a good plan, there, Donkey. Good luck and have a great day!

oldschool on 08/25/2008:
no offense but I can put anything I want in my diary.

grumpy on 08/25/2008:
good plan. i need to get my s*** together. argh. xo.

oldschool on 08/25/2008:
WHY THANK YOU DONKEY! I am glad you see things my way.

Beth201P on 08/25/2008:
Sounds like a good plan to me. You will do great. I need to sit down and do some planning of my own. Have a wonderful week.

WI3 on 08/26/2008:
You are an absolute sweetheart..thank you very much

grumpy on 08/27/2008:
time to post again. we miss you!

Donkey - Thursday Aug 21, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5


Essentially my weight is the same. It's been up a little higher, but now all the ice cream is gone in the house so that won't be an issue for me any longer (for now).

I feel much better with the numbers in the 11* rather than the 12*. So I'm going to work to keep it that way. I'm eager for the kids to go back to school so that I can have the day to do what I want to do in the gym instead of having to rush rush rush.

Tonight is the kids' school open house where we go and meet the teachers, get their school supplies settled, etc. I am absolutely DREADING this. Major anxiety attack. All those eyes, the parents, the teachers -- all those children.

So I'm vowing to hold my head up high, go in there feeling "sexy" (see previous entry) and give anyone who gives me any s*** a "Who Gives A F***" attitude right back at them.

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 08/21/2008:
Welcome back. No offense is taken by me with regard to your post yesterday. I know exactly what you mean about the obsessive tendencies I can have. That brings up a good point - I think the true success with regard to maintaining a healthy weight comes when we can do it more naturally and not obsess over it. It should not take up so much of our conscienceness and we should not base our koods on what the scales says or doesn't say. Your weight is definitely in the healthy range, Donkey - go in that school (or anywhere else for that matter) and don't give it a second thought. Think about what you would really like to accomplish on the visit with your children's teachers. Although health is important and we need to maintain our health - it is only one component to a quality life and is no more or less important than the rest of the important factprs in our lives. I hope this makes sense....God bless.

grumpy on 08/22/2008:
Hey girl, why would you think they would give you any attitude? and if they did, why would it bother you so much? focus on the people you know and care for, who love you, not mere strangers and they close minds. try to see it as an exciting event for your kids. xoxo

WI3 on 08/22/2008:
I think we all have situations that make us uncomfortable where we feel we have to enter the arena with our defenses up and ready to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean that anything will happen...the situation is just scary enough to create the paranoia that it could. Typically related to some painful event(s) when that type of situation did cause us pain. It will likely be something you (and I ) deal with our entire lives. We don't like it, but it is part of who we are...and at least when we talk about it, write about it, hear it from our own voice or in our own words, we can deal with it better. It makes us stronger to let it out than to keep it all bottled up inside. With that also comes this odd desire to hurt ourselves before anyone else can hurt us. So we say disparaging things about ourselves, and generally don't like ourselves. Because after all...if we don't like ourselves FIRST, nothing anyone else does second or third can hurt us.

The trouble is, if we don't confront that side of ourselves and start to make peace with it, we will have a much harder time functioning in life as a result and it could lead to destructive behavior(s).

I applaud you for taking the steps you've been taking to confront this. Reading your entries you say a lot, with little words. But I feel you and I know where you are coming from.

An exercise my psychiatrist had me do once when I was first confronting my childhood abuse, was to find a picture of myself as a little girl and tell myself that I forgive myself as a child for not being able to take care of myself and prevent things. It was an odd request but I was so desperate to have this monster off my back that I did it. She then told me after I did that, to find a picture of my abuser and burn it, put my girl photograph and the charred remains of the other, together in a box and bury them. She didn't tell me WHY to do that, as it was important that I find what it means to ME by doing that. And I did find the meaning and the significance I needed.

This isn't to say that a few tricks and stuff makes everything go away. Things that hurt us in our developmental years, sometimes create deep wounds that take a very long time to heal and some that seem to be healed, but are always just under the surface. And weird things trigger them. And we search for ways to control our lives where nobody can take control...and one of those biggest ways is through eating and exercise. Over or under on either or both. Working through things is what we need to do, and we need to not be afraid to let go of the time when we weren't in control and realize it was not within our power at that time. That way we don't turn inward and destroy ourselves.

Events have the power to continue to destroy us if we don't seek help and learn to let some things go and not continue the destruction in other ways. I woke up one day and realized I had given someone far too much of my life and I wanted it back. Not just bits and pieces..I wanted ME back. And when I came back, my mother said she hadn't seen the real ME in many, many years.

It also involved forgiving the person who caused the most harm. Not because he deserved to be forgiven, but I had to break the control he had over me (even in death) and the only way to cut him loose is by making peace with what happened. I also visited his grave and told him he was done and could not have anymore of my life. All those little things that seem odd to most, but to those of us who survive...are essential.

You found a way to maintain control of something in your life, your diet and exercise. And as long as it remains healthy instead of a way to protect real issues that need to be handled in other ways, I am happy for you. I often think of a verse in the Bible that my brother shared with me...I'm not overly religious but it went something like

"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Sometimes the only way to get better and heal is to reopen those wounds and walk through hell again in order to face our fears and stand up to them.

You have alluded to things that have happened in your life that have rocked you hard and left lasting, damaging memories. I am not sure what happened, and it isn't any of my business. But I though I would share my experience with you and maybe something can be taken from it that might help give you strength.

Take care, Donkey!!

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