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Donkey - Friday Aug 28, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

Well, we're heading into another weekend....

Slowly, very slowly, once again, taking off the binge weight.

I feel like I might be getting sick.  Just a tinge of a sore throat. 

I'm sorry, I don't have anything new or positive to mention.  My life has been put in the status quo for now, although things may change very soon.

Next week (this coming up week) I get scoped.  So the week after that, I should have results.  I do not foresee this going beyond the biopsy but one never knows.

I also received a letter from my defense attorney saying that he is preparing to take me to court to collect his fee.  I no longer have any contact with anything having to do with my case, so if my husband cannot work out a deal (as my husband handles all the money), then I will need to prepare to claim bankruptcy, in order to handle all the debt we are under as a result of my husband's mismanagement of money and my criminal case circumstances.

Perhaps, though, we won't need to go that route.  On either issue.

So until something happens, my life has maintained a status quo of laundry and attending Masses.  And sleeping a lot.

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/28/2009:
i've been doing the "eat, you are tired!?" thing as well lately. arg.

lately i feel like i can NEVER sleep enough!? i am usually not getting 8 hours though...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/28/2009:
you know, maybe buy that "airborne" that can be added to water/seltzer.

biscottibody59 on 08/28/2009:
RYC: I had never heard the word, prebiotic, until I looked up the packet thingie HoP mentioned. I'm not even sure what it's supposed to do--clean you out or prepare your gut for incoming "probiotics?" Yesterday I saw it in a commercial for dog food. (I think it implied that the bulldog would get more bit*hes--to follow him at least--haha, IIRC:-)

I have no recommendation as yet, but based on the article link I left in comments to HoP, it sounds like something that hasn't been studied much. I guess it didn't kill anyone at first ingestion, so they assumed it was okay.

I have been randomly re-reading my McDougall book too and there are some old studies that question the benefit of fiber that has been altered very much--as in pulverized apples (apple sauce). I didn't get that out of it when I first read it. Kinda interesting.

We and the food companies are so fixated upon "fiber" these days that alot gets lost in the shuffle I suspect.

Hang in there with it all--at least you're venting about it--gotta be a good sign!

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 26, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 144.0

One thing I've noticed is that even though I am bingeing, I am able to maintain my weight at this higher number.  Isn't that interesting?  I can maintain at 144, +/- 2lb, at this level of eating and exercising.  (More eating, less exercising.)

I'm still really struggling.  In fact, yesterday, I got to the point where food didn't even taste good any more.  Everything was "yeeck."

Progress as of today: 36 lbs lost so far, only 14 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 08/26/2009:
Mine finally caught up with me....The older I get it seems the faster the eating above/beyond what I should catches up to my waistline...I was thinking I could slack here/there/everywhere, cause at first it didn't seem to effect the numbers.THEN, whala I couldn't hide the fact anymore that I had stopped thinking/eating healthy & look where I am...Popp!

I'm not saying that you will be that way... Just pick yourself up & dust off the "don't cares" while eating beyond the point of where food even tastes good.... Better days ahead of less striggle and more self-worth my firend...We are all so worth taking care of "us"...........


thinnside40 on 08/26/2009:
Lots of typos, but I think you can figure out the words I meant to type... My new glasses caused it ~ LOL

lafemme_loca on 08/26/2009:
Thanks for the comment... yeah it is hard to deal with everything. But I am glad that I am finally seeking the 'help' or the 'accountability' of being here and part of a community. Just need to get my butt kicked a few times by y'all and see what happens. :-) Anyway, do be careful with the increase in eating and decrease in exercise... that is what I did and at first no dire effects happened and then *poof* all of a sudden I was back 11 pounds over weight in three months ! :-( Rebellion doesn't truly pay off in a good way. ;-) Anyway... look forward to reading more and maybe we can hold each other accountable.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/26/2009:
i know what you mean with the food. good thing you didn't do what i did today - i had those fiber packet things, i forget what brand but i think liveactive, that you add to water bottles. oh gosh, they each at only 3 grams fiber and i had two packages in total during the morning. EVERYTHING in my stomach and intestines was totally emptied out of my body by 2pm....very good thing i was HOME early today. :)

biscottibody59 on 08/26/2009:
Hope you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!

Donkey - Sunday Aug 23, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 146.0

I am not doing well at all. 

Progress as of today: 34 lbs lost so far, only 16 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/23/2009:
my advice is to simply have lowered expectations for the following days. for calories, shoot for a higher average and you may suprise yourself, and eat less. this is what i do when i am overwhelmed after a binge, and it works for me.

grumpy on 08/23/2009:
Hang in there, I am not either. I need a plan. xoxo

glycrina on 08/24/2009:
I started working out for at least 30 minutes and not worrying about food so much at first worked for me. I hope you can find what works for you.

biscottibody59 on 08/24/2009:
Hope things improve for you!

Hang in there--don't ever tell yourself you're not worth the trouble. Keep your chin up Donkey!

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 19, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

No weigh-in today.  I hadn't planned on blogging but I had to congratulate **starfish** on her latest weight loss accomplishment! :-)

I've been very busy because my children's school starts this week (tomorrow).  Today we go/went to both kids' schools to get them set up.  I am so worried about my son, but also very hopeful.  I hope he has a good time in Middle School.  I see so much potential there.   I hope it is not ruined by nasty kids and bullies.

So in the middle of all this last minute shopping, I get this call from a number that has been trying to reach me all of last week.  I never seem to get to the phone in time to answer it and whoever calls won't leave a voice mail.

I"m in the middle of the boys' section of Kohl's (an American department store) when I get a call from the number and it turns out it's from my doctor's office that I went to at the end of July.

Apparently, there are some abnormal cells.  So the doctor needs to look at my cervix through a microscope and perhaps take a biopsy.  The nurse on the phone said that it is not something that needs to be done within the next 24 hours -- good thing because it took you over a week to finally reach me on the phone -- but that it is something that "needs to be done". 

Well, the doctor is all booked up next week, so I get the scope done 2 weeks from today.  Glad it's not urgent........

I must admit that while I was somewhat taken aback, I was not totally surprised that my tests came back with some problems.  I had had a problem, which is why I went to the doctor in the first place, but by the time I had the appointment, the problem reconciled itself.  And I've had another TOM since the appointment as well.  So I do not expect this go to any further than this.

Actually, it can't because my husband told me that we cannot afford for me to get cancer.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/19/2009:
Re: Thanks for posting. It made me smile. I am actually a Virgo but I think I was supposed to be Leo because I identify with that sign. I am sorry about your health scare. Please let us know if you are alright. I will be praying for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/19/2009:
just passing through and i hope you are going to be ok. it is a good thing you are in a positive mindset with it. i wish only good things.

loveray on 08/20/2009:
hope you are well today. love love

biscottibody59 on 08/21/2009:
Hope you're doing well today! Hang in there Donkey--hoping this is nothing for you to get all riled up about;-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/21/2009:
thinking about you. therapy helped this time around...it kept me in a good mood longer and i was just glad to talk to someone about my feelings and know they were just there to listen/help and not tell me their own feelings about themselves. it's kinda nice having it be all about me. i do hope to get some helpful feedback, moreso, in the weeks to come! :)

i hope you are doing better, too. catch up with us.

Donkey - Monday Aug 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

I had not planned on blogging tonight.  In fact, I blog on another site, but truth be told, I feel most comfortable talking here amongst friends.

Weigh-in is tomorrow, and I am almost sure to see a number around 144.  You know, maybe I won't weigh in.  I've had about a week -- yes, ONE WEEK -- of binge eating, and I know that if I weigh in, it will be there, on the scale.

Not that I'm not accountable or responsible.  I'm not saying that at all.  It's just ....  I don't think weighing in would serve its purpose if I did so now.  I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I know that's what I mean.

I found a reason to live today.  My children have been away all week with my mother and my sister, so I had decided I would clean their rooms out while they were gone. 

Unfortunately, due to TOM (cramps) and a bout of strong depression, I did not get started until the day before they are to return home.  I spent most of the afternoon cleaning out their rooms.  And now I see that if nothing else, I need to live so that I can keep my son's room clean.   This was my epiphany for the day.

Until I started on my daughter's room, and I realized that she is just as bad as he is when it comes to throwing things away.  It's just that she keeps the mess better organized.  But it's still a mess, and that is what I am here for, because I know if I were to .... leave.... that my husband would never EVER clean their rooms out and they would have to live with messy, messy rooms I guess until they left the house for college or Husband sold the house.  (Candy wrappers, empty cans/bottles, dust bunny colonies, beads, papers, etc.)

So that is my mission in life, for now.  I managed to get things cleared out, but now I have to get things sorted and put back.  I also have the shelving unit in the living room that holds the children's art supplies and games to organize as well.

It's so comforting to have a purpose to one's life.

This of course, all happened after an *~*AMAZING*~* workout at the gym.  I have decided to focus on cardio until I can get my weight back down SOLIDLY into the 130's.



Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/18/2009:
LOL. I love that your reason to live is to keep the house clean. I am really proud that you are fighting through the depression to get to the gym. You don't have to weigh in if you think it is going to be more hurtful than helpful. I think we know our own bodies pretty well.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/18/2009:
ok, so you live for your kids! good. but, you must live for you too!

so i have a good question, you may not like it, but you must have muscular legs, right? since you do so much cardio. like, they might be the slim muscular or a more heavy muscular but they are not flabby, right? so when you gain weight, do you gain it all over or just in one place? i'm wondering just bc when i gained, it was all over.

but, unfortunately, my legs are not in shape so much and i think it is seen more, the weight, in my thighs. which sucks to the high heavens! lol. and, my goal, is that they will at least look more muscular as i attempt to lose some of the fat, hopefully it'll go down aound my knees.

so my other question is, if your legs were flabby when you were heavier, did they get more muscular with all the cardio you do? lol, i was thinking about this while doing 6 miles today....i'm a dork, i know. hope you don't mind answering. and if you do, thats ok with me too.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/18/2009:
i have been binging often, too.

biscottibody59 on 08/19/2009:
You are keeping very busy--that's for sure! Hope you have a good day!

Donkey - Saturday Aug 15, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

Again my weight was at 144.5 this morning.  Argh, I just keep gaining and losing the same "binge weight" over and over.  This madness must stop.

I went to the gym today and walked on the treadmill with a steep incline.  I wanted to do more, but I felt guilty for being at the gym for so long.  My mission this weekend is to get the kids' rooms in order, so today I am doing bedding laundry.  And possibly cleaning up the floors, so that I can go through the piles of crap that I swept up from the floors and put away or pitch.  

I wanted to go for a bike ride to the library, but it has become awfully humid.  And it is very sunny outside too.  Still, I might go.  I'm dressed for it.

i have gained so much weight that my rings are tight on my fingers.  I do not normally wear any rings, so this was a rude awakening for me.  So now I am wearing my rings as a reminder to me that I can't be eating like I've been eating without feeling some immediate discomfort.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/15/2009:
Re: yes, I hate that too. I can't do the "snack" thing to hold me over until dinner so I won't be hungry. For some reason whenever I start eating, it turns into a meal. I have been "snacking" on frozen fruit. I take a bag or put some in a big bowl. It takes awhile for it thaw so I can't just shovel down. My favorites are frozen mangoes, cherries, and rasberries but our store has fruit medleys. I like it because the fruit last longer (it is frozen) than fresh fruit and it is already cut up for me because I am so lazy or busy that I won't wash and cut up fresh fruit. I eat one big bowl a day which is probably about 200 calories -- a little high for a snack but very nutricious.

thinnside40 on 08/15/2009:
I can't stand humidity!.... Huh, the last 3 weeks have been so hot & humid @ times, my feet/ankles/legs swell to ugily ( A step beyond ugly)..... Anyway, thanks for stopping by today and just saying a hello in welcoming my posting again... I have missed it, but have been away from the computer other than listing items on Ebay and hopping all over the place in bizziness.... I am making time for DD again......

Good Weekend!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2009:
YOU'RE RIGHT. i was hoping i'd escape the binge, get the project done quickly, and enjoy an afternoon long walk at one of my favorite places. but nope, i slipped back into eating comfort zone. now it's close to 7pm, i'm not finished at all with this project, AND i've been home all day. what a horrible day.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2009:
you work for me, i work for you. we'll be each other's therapists. should work very well. ;)

i am in full agreement that this art project shouldn't be a big deal and i shouldn't stress about it. if i hadn't cared so much that the teacher is already pissed at me i wouldn't have made it this big of a deal. when i was little, we had to do paper mache projects and make different things out of this wet newspaper mix, let them dry, and paint them. i didn't know what to make, kept taking more and more paper mache. in the end, i had a 6 foot alligator. in art, there is nothing "small" about it to me. haha. so here i am, making this mammo suite diagram. haha.

catepillar on 08/16/2009:
You also have TOM and it is humid, it wouldn't be a surprise to have extra tight rings. I hate it when that happens, it makes me feel clausterphobic! Don't beat yourself up and waste your whole day hating on yourself. You have a day ahead of you to live and be happy, don't let some tight rings bring you down. :)

I am so sorry you lost your cat :(. It is such a difficult thing to lose a pet because they are part of your world. I know my cat is a very good companion and as sweet as can be. I would be crushed right now if I would have had to put her down. There would be a hole in my heart.

I hope you have a great day and that the water retention eases and those rings start feeling a little better!

biscottibody59 on 08/16/2009:
Hope your day is going well--hang in there!

thinnside40 on 08/17/2009:
Happy Monday!

Donkey - Friday Aug 14, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

OK, well, at least this morning I went to the gym to get in some cardio.

Trying to do better today.

TOM is here and the cramps have kicked in.  Today will be a wash, for the most part.

This weekend is supposed to be H-O-T here in the Chicago area.  Yuck.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

Donkey - Thursday Aug 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

I'm not changing my "Current Weight" because I weighed in some time after breakfast, coffee and water.  In fact, it was almost time for lunch and the scale had said 144.5.

That is what FOUR bad days of eating will do.  I have to admit that I was rather shocked that it wasn't higher.

Today was another very difficult day.  However, I was able to get my Major Chore For The Week out of the way -- buying school supplies for my son.

You see the schools have where you can buy the required supplies in packages, through the school.  The PTA earns some money from that.  I didn't order for my son in time - because he is going to a new school this year (for middle school years).  So I figured, well, it'll be OK to just buy his supplies ourselves.


And I STILL didn't get everything he needs on the list.

So between having to do that and feeling like the bottom of the kitty litter box, I did not make it to the gym today.  Frankly speaking, I do not remain optimistic for the remainder of the week.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/13/2009:
I like ordering from the PTA too. I don't even know if the option was offered this year but it is soooo worth it!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/13/2009:
so i've been dilly dallying online too much. and now i'm reading your new entry. i'm not happy with it, frankly speaking!!!!

there isn't a reason you should be torturing yourself this whole week. secondly, tomorrow is friday, practically the end of the week! rejoice in that. and, if possible, do not think about school supplies for the whole weekend. just keep the newspaper/magazine circulars, look at them monday. and start again monday. i HIGHLY recommend NOT doing anything that has to do with school this weekend.

next, from reading your diaries, i have become aware that your binging is many times school related. anything with your kids/school combo does it to you. i just realized that this minute. you shouldn't be shameful of yourself. you are a good mother who cares very much for her children. don't let YOUR anxiety with your kids, new school, other parents/teachers get to you. it's a NEW SCHOOL. they don't even KNOW you. there is no reason for you to keep eating like that. it's still summer.

catepillar on 08/13/2009:
Sorry to read that you are so sad. It is good that you are getting up and going to the things you need to go to and getting things done. Give yourself some slack and don't think you HAVE to do EVERYTHING exactly as planned...it is ok to have a funky day or five in a row..you are human. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are going through a rough patch and you are entitled to allow yourself the freedom to do so. As long as you are getting up, getting a shower and dressing, taking care of those who depend on you for survival (children) the rest of the time can be hanged. The gym will still be there in two days, the laundry will still be there, the dusting, dishes, everything will still be there. And so will you. (((((hug))))))

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 12, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

No weigh-in because yesterday was a bad eating day.  Baaaad eating day... :-(

I had a very difficult day yesterday with sadness, and today is no different, except that yesterday, I still managed to do everything I had to do.

Today is more of a struggle to do anything.

I went to the gym, but only did 30 minutes of cardio. I felt myself falling apart on way to the gym, at the gym and on the way home from the gym. 

I thought that glycrina said it best in her entry. 

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

need2bincontrol on 08/12/2009:
BIG HUG-sometimes reality is overwhelming---you are not alone!!!Take a deep breath and count your blessings--and maybe go to the grocery store and grab 3 ten pound bags of potatoes and and 8 pounds of butter and walk down, even just 1 isle--that was you not so long ago---

and thanks for the post on my page--even just being acknowledged that I'm not totally nuts made me feel better! :)

more hugs

glycrina on 08/12/2009:
Re: Yes it definitely is my stress. When I fight with someone or am worried about something it is hard to think about anything else (for me at least). Cognitively, I can tell myself that I need to let it go and focus on my workout, however, the negative thinking -- the "must" thinking like I must do well on my presentation or my husband "should" do what I want him to do-- gets me so aggravated. I know it is irrational but I get so caught up in my emotion that I can't concentrate on anything else. Then I start thinking "exercise isn't going change; weight loss isn't going to help; being healthy isn't going to make my husband or my work better so what is the point?!?" The truth is I needed the workout more than ever today. I needed to clear my mind and picture the future but I couldn't see the forest through the trees.

Thanks for helping me see that this is normal and I am not alone. Tomorrow will be a better day.

loveray on 08/12/2009:
i love all of your input, ladies- sometimes i forget that i just need to be in a slump. although positive thinking works some wonders, it is truly a blessing to just be with your "ugly" feelings and then let them go. If you can get to exercise or do something else, that is wonderful- but sometimes the body just needs a rest from all of the activity:) yes, i teachc yoga- i completed the training in feb, which is where i met my boyfriend!! it is amazing and such a gift and addition to my full time marketing gig. best to you today! xo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/13/2009:
so sorry you are stressed. the only thing i can recommend is to get out! meaning, out of the house, out of just being around you. do you have a good friend you can do even just walk with or anything, really. or, just with your kids. just get out of the house. no matter how bad you feel, you need to be with someone to take your mind off of feeling bad.

so therapy went pretty well. i did most of the talking, and even got slightly emotional, tearing eyes almost crying but holding back in order to talk. i felt good after, but then, later on in the night, started to feel WORSE and WORSE. i think it's because talking brought up things i wish to forget in my life or not think about. so, thinking about them again during the night caused me to eat poorly, and the fact i have a huge test, the first one this year, tomorrow. so, that in itself triggers me. tonight, i'll do what i can, but not loose sleep over this test. lol, this can all change. i mentioned to the therapist wanting meds, she said she'd set up an appointment with a psychologist! i am happy about this because i DO FEEL I NEED something to get through this school year and all the stress of constant change in schedule at school and the tests and sitting in class. however, i will be really upset if the medications need to be reported to my doctor...but i guess i would rather have the medication than not.

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

Today was weigh-in day.  Not very happy with that number but there's nothing I can do about it now.  Move forward with today....

Actually, that's not so bad considering that I had 2 days of bad eating over the weekend, nor I did not workout Sunday or Monday.

I have only myself to blame.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

cupcakeLuv on 08/11/2009:
hey your so close to your goal. Look how far you have come! i just started i have a long wile to go. I look at you and get really motivated. I can't wait to see my little bar move closer to my goal. :) good for you, your doing great!

halley on 08/11/2009:
I'm right there with you. I know it is so frustrating to be doing well, but your clothes aren't quite there yet. I have some "5 more pounds" clothes that I can almost wear - but not quite. It will get better.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/11/2009:
don't be so negative? haha. you shall be ok, but my advice is only to get all the ball and seriously diet your way back to a number you are happier with. or, you'll end up like me, 20 lbs heavier at this point this year compared iwth the same time last year.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/11/2009:
yeah, i'm due for a new entry.

biscottibody59 on 08/11/2009:
Hope you can dust off and move on--easier said than done! I've tried and sometimes succeeded at it. Try your best to get going!

Have a good evening!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/12/2009:
i certainly hope that this therapy goes well, trust me! i'll def let everyone know what i think of it soon.

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