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Donkey - Sunday Aug 09, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I went to the block party last night and had a good time.  Unfortunately, my eating suffered somewhat.

This morning I am struggling with my body.  No weigh-in, which I never do after any special occassion.  I am dressed, waiting to leave for church, and I feel so fat.  Every time I dress for church (meaning: not workout clothes), I am reminded of how much weight I seem to be holding on to. 

The capris felt tight in the thigh.  I think I even saw some bra fat in back -- which NEVER happens to me because I am not a bosomy person.  My arms flex a mean bicep but even they seem large and fleshy.

I asked my daughter, carefully, if the outfit looked ok or if I needed to change something.  She told me to make sure my top is pulled down so that it is straight.  I wanted to be very careful not to put her in the position of judging me:  "Do I look fat in this?"  So I made sure I focused on the outfit.

Pretty sad for this 39 yr old to have to ask a 9 yr old for a realty check.  But I know she'd be honest if it didn't look right.

Maybe I should change into a skirt instead....

The sad thing is that these are clothes that fit properly (I think) last year.  I don't like clothing that fits really tight.  I just feel so large. :-(

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

SarahRN on 08/09/2009:
OMG I feel the exact same way. Recently I started crying in church and people thought I was moved by the spirit or something but I was just thinking how fat I felt that day and how self conscious I was and how out of control I felt. You probably just feel more bloated from extra salt intake than anything else and after a day or two you'll feel back to your svelt sexy self! Today I feel the same way because we had a family reunion last night and I blew the diet out of the water and then had to go to church this am. My fingers are swollen so I didn't wear my rings you know? Even my feet feel fat. SO this morning I decided to have a couple days of raw foods and water to get all that toxic salt and sugar OUT! BTW You are thinner than my goal weight right now and look how far you have come and all you'v accomplished! 40 pounds WOW! GOOD JOB

catepillar on 08/10/2009:
Most of my clothes are too tight. Simply because I refuse to buy larger sizes. LOL I would bet your clothes don't look how you think they look, and asking your little girl how you look, they are going to give little girl answers or answers that make you happy. I had to stop asking my daughter because I snapped at her when she said I looked 'fine' when I know I didn't. It just wasn't right to put her in that situation. (Not saying that is what you did, but it is what I did)I would bet that your previous weight made you very self conscious and your anxiety over the social situation was such that it brought up your other anxieties and this one was a day delayed. Probably mostly because when we go to church, we want to look our very best and take an extra close look at ourselves. I'm sure you look fine and bra fat doesn't have to always come from being heavy up top, it can come from an improper fitted bra or type of bra. My sister is slim up top and she has bra fat, I am full up top and don't have bra fat :)

grumpy on 08/10/2009:
Well here's a reality check from a 32 year old: you are not so large, and it's not possible you are at 140, unless you are 4 feet tall. Focus on the party and the good times you had and on the fact you and your cute 9 year old were trying on clothes together instead. love ya!

Donkey - Friday Aug 07, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

No weigh-in today.

No gym today either -- at least not in my normal routine, so today could be tricky:

1.  No gym

2.  Husband works late

3.  Anxious about neighborhood block party on Saturday

4.  Discouraged about life in general (finances, unemployment, etc.)

You see, on Saturday my little cul-de-sac neighborhood is having their annual summer block party.  Well, I had some legal problems that started last year, made the whole round of local media, blah blah blah.  The incident involved an automobile accident (not DUI!!!!), and although it was an accident, I was still responsible for the consequences of what happened.

Since this accident, 2 of my neighbors, believing everything that was dramatized in the media - that my actions were intentional - have been just awful towards me.  The other 4 neighbors still acknowledge me and give me a wave or a smile.  (I don't talk to anyone any more.)  But these 2 ladies are very scornful towards me.

So I am sure that you can see why a neighborhood block party would be uncomfortable for me. 

My husband found out from our next door neighbor that at least 1 of these people will not be here for the party, which I thought meant both ladies, but I guess maybe it's just the one.  I won't go if the other lady is present.  It was bad enough having to go to court to face critical people; I'll be damned if I'm going put myself in a position of being scrutinized or criticized. again, willingly.

And so this impending party has brought back the flood of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear -- you name it -- that I have tried very hard to put behind me the past week.

As I said, if I can stop dwelling on the sorrows of the past, I do quite well.  But when they come creeping back .....   It's like when an evening fog comes creeping in.  You don't even notice it at first.  And before you know it, it's so dense you can't even see the road ahead of you.

It's going to be a long, hot weekend... :-(

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/07/2009:
Donkey, I had a similar problem last year. My old dog bit someone in the neighborhood and we had to go to court. It was very traumatic. I felt like a lot of the people in the nieghborhood found out and were very judgemental. I talked to some people who were important to me and explained the situation and everyone else, well, to be honest they were so consumed with own silly little dramas they soon were talking about someone or something else. It sounds like you have paid your consequences for whatever mistakes you made and that is all anyone can ask of you, right? I hope you find forgiveness for yourself and forgive those other silly people for being so icky. :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/07/2009:
hmmm, no wonder you said you wanted to move...sorry you've got sh-t with your neighbors. if it makes you feel any better, my parents have sh-t with their neighbors, too. not me so much, bc i smile/wave. but still this one woman gives me a big fat attitude. oh well! stinks for them. you know the accident was unintentional, too bad they cant accept it.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/07/2009:
as for big breakfast, that really doesn't work that well for me. i get hungry soon after, no matter what. when i was on vacation, what worked was a little fat in my breakfast. like some kind of egg omelette cooked with butter or oil and a little bread, tomato slice, and coffee. but i am too lazy to wake up any earlier and i'[d rather have my unhealthy ices, at the moment.

halley on 08/07/2009:
Hold your head high and know that you are an interesting, important person. Much to important to worry about your neighbors silliness. Since you have dealt with the issue - just move on!

Donkey - Thursday Aug 06, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

"Look Ma -- no weigh-in!"

I decided that I would resist weighing in now until my next weigh-in on Tuesday.

My workout today was stink-o for two reasons:

1. My portable XM radio lost my playlists.  I guess it's because I haven't listened to live music in quite some time.  I like what I have saved, and ever since Michael Jackson died, I haven't had the heart to try to listen to new stuff.  And I'm not a big MJ fan either.  I liked his Jackson 5 stuff and the old school stuff.  So I"m not sure what the problem is.

But for today, my problem was that I was stuck with the 2 options of listening to the 2 artists' whose work my husband downloaded for my daughter:  Britney Spears and Lady Gaga.  It made for a loooonnnngg workout.

2.  I started thinking about "to-do" things that didn't get done, and how I needed to do them, or why weren't they done, blah blah blah.  It totally took me out of the moment, which I don't like.  I mean, gym time is Donkey Time.  And I don't like it when I get stressed out about things that I need to get done (or should have been done) in the Real World.

So my workout kind of stank.  I am sorely tempted to either go back to the gym this afternoon and get in a GOOD workout or do something outside.  Maybe my kids would go on a bike ride with me....

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/06/2009:
I actually tried to make a DD workout playlist and share with you girls. I will try it again. I think there's a site where I can do it and you can download the whole playlist and but in your player! :)

halley on 08/06/2009:
Those are bad music options - I don't doubt that you had a hard time getting in a good workout!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/06/2009:
you should totally go bike riding with your daughter!!!

catepillar on 08/06/2009:
ARGH that music drives me nuts LOL Hopefully you are relaxed this evening! Thank you for all the advice:)

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 05, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I figure I have returned to my "Real Weight", and now the hard work begins, once again.

Yestesrday was an Angry Day.  I find anger a difficult emotion to hand constructively (is this possible?) because anger is so destructive.  But at the end of the day, I realized that I had to just let it go and not carry it into the next day (which is today).

It's a work in progress.

I seem to be doing better with the food and exercise.  I do an hour of cardio and 4-5 weight training exercises at the gym.  I eat about 2000 calories throughout the day.

I try not to focus on negative feelings and put forth effort into the positive.  Right now, that's not too difficult, because I'm not engaged in anything too challenging or meaningful right now.  So this is a good time to get into the practice of positive.

That and taking it one day at a time. 

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/05/2009:
i thought of you today soon after my doctor weigh in. lol, i'm full of food in my belly. packed, to the core. I'm sure you've had that feeling - where you feel like you need to be around a bathroom all day and also the amount of gas that's up in there! lol. just packed. anyway, i thought i weighed around 133 pre bloating...i thought at the doctor i would come up as being out of the 140s. however, i weighed also not only bloated, but i had a full drink so that i would be able to give urine. and i weighed before that...lol. i couldn't believe the 142 on the scale!

biscottibody59 on 08/06/2009:
RYC: For me riding a bike is a great cardio workout. I don't have far to go to experience hills, so I'd have to limit myself by staying on flat roads/trails over and over.

Hope your day is going well so far!

hollybelle on 08/06/2009:
Thanks for the comments. I have taken prednisone several times before so I'm "prepared" for the bloat. Good thing is it heals me quickly and it's a low dose. I identify with the anger issues above. What has helped me is bible study and prayer - that may sound very "hokie", but it's been the only thing that has helped me. Even so, like you so wisely have noticed - it's a work in progress. Don't get down on yourself if you don't like exactly how you've handled a situation - I think that is how we are kept from progressing in handling our anger better - learn from it-vow to do better (again) the next time and go forth and conquor!!

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 04, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 142.0

I guess I'm still losing binge weight...  I usually weigh in on Tuesdays.

I had a great workout at the gym today.  My new running shoes were a huge disappointment for running -- inadequate cushioning -- so I decided to see if they would work for me at the gym.  I need a new shoe for "at the gym" as well, but I thought running was more important for my sanity's sake.

My new shoe will suffice for the gym.  I will have to wait to have more $ to buy a proper running shoe, so this may be it for running for me this year.  (Money is kind of tight this year.)  And I'm ok with that.

I really enjoy doing cardio, so it occurred to me yesterday that maybe that's what I should be doing!  And I love working out my legs -- kind of a love/hate relationship I have with my legs -- so maybe that's what I should be doing!  I don't really like working my upper body all that much, so maybe I shouldn't be doing as much of that.  (It's still important to do some, though, especially for donkeys my age.)

I also came to the revelation - over the weekend? - that if I continue to binge, I won't lose any weight.  If I "need" to binge, ok, well fine, but then don't expect to lose any weight.

You would think this would be obvious, wouldn't you?

But for some reason, all of this hadn't really occurred to me.  I was trying to be and do things that aren't really me.  And that hasn't worked.

Which is why it's OK if I have to wait to run again.  Because maybe it's something I shouldn't be doing right now -- for ME -- and *especially* in shoes that aren't what I need.

Progress as of today: 38 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!

halley on 08/04/2009:
I totally agree that you should do what you enjoy - if you don't want to run - by all means - don't run. But I'm concerned about the bingeing, it is all the same weight. Just for today - you should feel good about your progress.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/04/2009:
do what you enjoy! of course!

i know...i must work on my intake throughout the day. today was just exhausting. and i had horrible choices at every meal. especially lunch, which left me famished only 2 hours later. perhaps i also had too much diet coke. ugh. better tomorrow.

biscottibody59 on 08/05/2009:
I hear you on the shoes--I wish I (or my feet) weren't so picky about 'em--I know I can't get away with wearing cheap shoes, so I don't even bother.

Have a good one Donkey!

Donkey - Monday Aug 03, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

I think I keep weighing myself in order to see if I'm losing "binge weight" versus "real weight"....

Well, yesterday was actually a pretty good day eating-wise, probably because I was able to keep my emotions at bay (away, essentially).  This is quite an improvement over last week, when I was feeling despondent even in the face of good news.  (And not just "good news" but "saving-our-butts good news".)

I hope to continue to use the "Just For Today" philosophy for today as well.  I'm also employing the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach by smiling as much as I can in public.  One guy at the gym this morning said to me, "You shouldn't be smiling this early in the morning; what are you drinking?"  LOL!  Strong coffee, my friend.  Very strong coffee....

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/03/2009:
Haha! Donkey you are so funny! I have been telling myself: One day at a time -- I work with addicts and I find the AA philosophy very helpful with my food addiction. I am going to try to FAKE IT TIL I MAKE IT today by smiling more. It is already helping. great idea!

hollybelle on 08/04/2009:
Amen, sister! I'm brewing my coffee right now and you should SEE the smile on my face!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/04/2009:
i also like the "fake it till you make it." i do it ALL the time with my neighbors. and i think that is totally fine. lol, that guy at the gym sounds like a nice friendly guy. :)

me and you, we're having some recent very highs and very lows, emotionally/mentally. lets try to reach a healthy plateau.

h82bfat on 08/04/2009:
I do the same thing. When I know I've eaten more than I should, I weigh myself to see what damage I've done & I keep weighing until I know I'm back on track - human nature, I guess. I only blog my weight on my weigh in day (Progress or not), but sometimes quite a bit of monitoring has gone into keeping me on track for the "official" weigh in! However, I am learning to just stay clear of the scale when TOM's around - those weigh ins are all over the map and don't help my "hormonal frame of mind" AT ALL! :c)

biscottibody59 on 08/04/2009:
Have a good day!

Donkey - Sunday Aug 02, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 144.5

Not that I'm hung up on the scale.  Please do not misunderstand the weigh-in this morning.

Today was quite a different Sunday than usual.  Our town had a small "parade" with the lights and sirens of police and fire.  (Indeed, it is called the "Lights & Sirens Parade" -- so as not to be confused with "Throwing Tons of Candy At Your Kids Parade".)  Then they had an auto show afterwards, outside.

So I took the kids and walked the 4 blocks or so to a nice shady spot and watched the 15 minute (?) parade (LOL).  Then we walked around and saw some of the cars and walked home.

Later, my daughter (9) and I went for a 2 hour long bike ride.  Not very strenuous for me, but enjoyable and relaxing.

Now I am going to the store to buy milk, as we ran out of that this morning.  I have taken to drinking a glass of milk in the morning.

This is definitely one of those "one day at a time" days, where I didn't think of too much of anything but today.

Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!

h82bfat on 08/03/2009:
Excellent! Focus on the here and now! You got in lots of activity too! Some days my only accomplishment is that I know I'm up and moving around WAY more than I used to do. The "Positive" is always there - look for it & you'll find it.

halley on 08/03/2009:
You're not hung up on the scale - or if you are than I am too. I weigh everyday and post every single gain or loss. Everyone is different.

It sounds like a lovely day!

Donkey - Saturday Aug 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 145.0

Today's entry is soley for the purpose of logging in a "starting" weight  for the month of August.

I tried to think of goals for myself for this month, but I have none.

Progress as of today: 35 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

halley on 08/01/2009:
Ok - back on track now. New Month - New You!

catepillar on 08/01/2009:
Hi sweetie! We are having a meeting in about ten minutes! http://oa12step4coes.org/meetings.html Scroll down on the left side to "Meetings" and then you'll see the times listed. Clickon the chat room and you'll be in! If you can't make it now, no worries, I just wanted to invite you and let you know you are cared about!

jon'smom on 08/01/2009:
Hi Donkey! It's great to see that you are still here. Good luck this month. I hope you reach any goal that you set for yourself:)

h82bfat on 08/02/2009:
I don't really have a goal either. I put 175 (is that what I put?), however, I just want to eat healthier & be more active than I was a year ago. If I do that, even if it turns out to be an "off/bad" day for me, I tell myself that I am still on track becus B4 I woulda......... I tell myself that I still have made improvements becus even though I ate______, B4 I woulda.......... and most importantly, I tell myself that I have all the days that are ahead of me to keep living, to keep loving, to keep evolving, to keep soldiering on, TO JUST BE........

Donkey - Friday Jul 31, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

Did not weigh in but I am sure I am up to around 144.

I am not doing well today at all.  But I wanted to have an entry today so that at the end of August, I can look back and see how far I've come.

July didn't get much accomplished.

Here's looking forward to a much more positive August.

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

halley on 07/31/2009:
I know how hard it is to lose weight at this stage. The losses come more slowly and you get weary of always thinking about losing weight. I just really have to make this work. I can't give up - neither can you.

catepillar on 07/31/2009:
Hello there! Thank YOU so much for all your kind words and encouragement. It is so nice to NOT be alone. I think now that you are aware of where your strength can come from, you will become even more aware of yourself and begin the true process of healing. Letting go is sooooooooooooo scary, I am in the big middle of it right now. And it is very hard. But each day that you do a little at a time, you will find a joy and freedom that comes from deep in your heart in a place you long felt was dead. And the truly beautiful woman you are who wants to live life, not just exist in pursuit of a thin body, will be exposed like a beautiful butterfly. Fear traps us, anger traps us, realization and trust in a HP really really does make a huge difference in our lives. It is ok to be afraid, just take one day at a time, a little at a time. ((((((Donkey)))))) ty for sharing!

H82bfat on 08/01/2009:
What are you talking about?!? You ARE accomplishing something! You have stayed "aware" and you are taking ownership of your actions and reactions. Maybe you haven't lost what you wanted or you faltered more than you'd hoped for - HOWEVER, you are still here, you are still "in the fight" and you are still trying! As long as that little spark is there, that desire to make a change exists, you ARE "accomplishing" becus each self acknowledgment is progress, no matter how large or small that nugget of awareness is. Keep in mind that this might just take a little longer than you had originally planned - that's all.......... Rome wasn't built in a day - and neither were our thighs!!! :c)

biscottibody59 on 08/01/2009:
Happy August!

Hope your day goes well today!

Donkey - Monday Jul 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I didn't make it.

For some reason, I ended up crossing that line between EAT and DON'T EAT.

And I ate.

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

halley on 07/27/2009:
It's ok - just pick yourself back up and start fresh today. I recently had someone say something AWFUL about me - but I just had to let it go. It's not easy - but exercise works better than food to make you feel better. - Not just that it's better for you - but it's much more effective.

grumpy on 07/27/2009:
well sweetie, we all cross that line sometimes, that's why we're here. my question to you is.. why does it matter so much what one person said about you with a one sides view, when you know better about yourself? and also, what kind of person goes to church to talk bad about others? defeats the whole purpose, no? xoxo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2009:
first, you shouldn't be "not eating." you should be eating. within reason. did you watch oprah today?? it was a rerun, but a crazy show about a guy who has lost and gained over 3,000 pounds. it makes me sick to hear about it...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2009:
i agree with grumpy. you do exactly what i do which is to worry WAY TOO MUCH about what OTHERS THINK about YOU. In the end, they care more about themselves. but, YOU are caring too much about them and their thoughts. the focus should be on YOUR health, nobody else's.

hollybelle on 07/29/2009:
Halley has a really good point above about exercising having a better effect when we are upset. I think next time I feel like foraging when I'm upset I am just going to put on my New Balance shoes and go for a walk or jump on the bike. I only go to small groups now - not big church - because of some things like you are talking about. I'll be.....sometimes you find the cruelest of the worlds sins so prevalent in Church!! No wonder the world is in the shape it is in. I think we just have to let those things of man go and remember that it is only God opinion of us that we need be concerned with. It DOES take practice, though and it doesn't FEEL good to be maligned publicly or privately.

biscottibody59 on 07/30/2009:
Hope you're having a good week!

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