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Donkey - Sunday Jul 26, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

Weighed in this morning, just to see if the weight was actually going DOWN.  It is not.  It went up, but not by much.  But this is it.  Now I fight my body to release more weight.

Today I ran into someone at church who has caused me grief.  I understand why she has said what she has said.  Unfortunately, she said what she said about me with only one person's interpretation.  And I was never allowed to say my side of the story.

This encounter took an already difficult day down quite a bit.  I have tried very hard not to eat in reaction to this.  I came home, had lunch - and made lunch for the kids - and then I went upstairs to watch TV so I would not be around the kitchen.

While I was watching TV, I kept thinking of all the foods that I would like to drown my sadness in.  I won't list them here, though.  I came down and had my afternoon tea (fancy name for "snack").  I thought I would have some frozen watermelon, because even if I eat a lot of that, it's not as damaging as if I ate a lot of other possibilities.

I did not eat the whole container though, 1-2 cups.  Then I had a cup of dry cereal, which seems to be my latest "safe" indulgence. 

And now I will not eat until dinner.  (Or, I will be asking myself the Carrot Question again.)

Sometimes, I wish we could move.  Right now that's not feasible.  Actually, I doubt my husband would agree to it.  This was supposed to be our Forever Home.

Just an unfortunate day, I suppose...

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

catepillar on 07/26/2009:
I understand EXACTLY what you are going through with the food!! Good for you for finding something else to do. Unfortunate days are so difficult. Fortunately they only last for one day :) Hang in there!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2009:
hang in there is right. today was rough, but tomorrow could be much better. if you want it to be. :) tomorrow is Monday. take some time to think about what you are happy about, or what you have to be proud of in yourself.

MoodyMe on 07/26/2009:
You handled what seemed to be a stressful day emotionally VERY well...you should be very proud of yourself...

Frozen watermelon...never thought of that..it doesn't get mushy???

h82bfat on 07/27/2009:
You did good! My only suggestion would be to try to do something physical instead of watching tv - not that watching tv is a bad thing. It's just that between all the food & restaurant commercials, cooking shows and food reality shows on the air now - it can sometimes make you crave food even more, especially if you're already "down in the dumps". I know this from experience!

Try not to focuss on what the acquaintance said/did - focuss on the positive of what came out of that situation. And there WAS a positve. The positive was that you proved to yourself that you can take control and you didn't let it get the best of you. THAT is a step in the right direction - AND THAT is a POSITIVE!

Donkey - Saturday Jul 25, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 139.0

I stupidly weighed myself this morning.  It was such a force of habit that I did not realize that I was not going to weigh myself until Tuesday until the number flashed on the screen.  Fortunately, I am not in a place right now where the number dictates my mood or my actions or my day.  The only thing it affects is the number I punch into the cardio machines at the gym.

Not only does my husband have to work 12 hours today but he also has to work 12 hours tomorrow.  Sundays are hard enough as they are, with the husband around.  Not that we would necessarily do anything if he were home.  In fact, I'd probably do more with him NOT home, just so I can fill the time.

Thankfully today will be *beautiful* weather-wise, so at least I cannot be limited to indoor activities.  We shall see.

Progress as of today: 41 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

MoodyMe on 07/25/2009:
I have just the opposite problem..I avoid the scale like the plague, hence the pounds creep up..NOT GOOD! It's all about balance isn't it?

Hope the weather holds and you get outside to enjoy it! I took one of my dogs on a walk today and timed it well..it started storming within an hour of us getting back!!

h82bfat on 07/26/2009:
Greet mindset!! All the scale does is give you little reminders. I only "freak out" if I gain 4+ pounds (it's happened) but in all truthfullness - I can't say that those moments come as complete surprises either........... I stomp around for a little bit and then just refocuss. As long as you refocuss you are succeeding! Don't let that number control you - YOU control IT - even when it wants to play a game of tug-o-war with you!

Hope the weather holds out for you! ANGUS RULES!!

Donkey - Friday Jul 24, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I guess I'm at my "Real Weight", after 3-4 days of getting back on track.  So now starts the work.

Last night, I had that semi-hungry feeling again around 9:30p.  So asked myself the carrots question:  Do you want some carrots?  And this time, I did!  So I had 4 of them and they were very tasty.

(I guess you have to like raw carrots to understand what I'm talking about.) 

Unfortunately, this morning, my weight was up 0.5 lbs.  WHAT??  Isn't it enough to drive you crazy?  YES.  So now that I know what my Real Weight is, I can stop weighing in every day, and go back to my designated once-a-week weigh-in on Tuesdays.

I'm good with that.

No special plans this weekend.  My husband has to work 12 hours on Saturday which makes for a lonely day.  I am hoping that the weather stays nice (i.e. no rain) so that I can do outdoor things with the kids.

If it does rain, I'm taking them to the library so that I can pick up something to read!

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

halley on 07/24/2009:
I have a bag of carrots in my fridge - but I haven't wanted to eat them yet!

nenak on 07/24/2009:
enjoy your weekend hope the weather is good for you!

MoodyMe on 07/24/2009:
I think your carrot question is cute..have to smile everytime I hear that you asked yourself that!

I hope that the weekend weather cooperates with you so you can get out in the fresh air with your kiddos!

catepillar on 07/24/2009:
Night hunger is my hardest to overcome. It is really cool that you have a way to check that hunger and feed it something that is low calorie. Great job!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/24/2009:
blah...i couldn't do the carrots thing...i'd have to substitute it for something else...some cooked and flavored veggie...lol, but that would certainly defeat the purpose...

h82bfat on 07/25/2009:
You're doing a great job! I'm glad your carrots are working for you. Lately my hubby has been munching (I'm talking sandwichs & leftovers - not just a granola bar) late (all the way up to midnight last night) and it's starting to get really annoying again (he'd chilled out for awhile) - it's gonna start catching up to him pretty soon...... I finally just had to go to bed last night - I can only distract myself with a book in my face for so long! A girl can only take so much! :c)

biscottibody59 on 07/25/2009:
RYC: You are right!

Check this out for more: http://www.rhymes.org.uk/as_i_was_going_to_st_ives.htm

This site has a ton of nursery rhymes--might be fun to share some of this with your offspring!

Have a good one!

ps I know it doesn't help you much, but I'd give each of my pinkie toes (unless it made me walk funny for the rest of my life) to weigh 140 in a healthy and active manner for the rest of my born days;-)

Donkey - Thursday Jul 23, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 139.5

I weighed in this morning.

From the comments I received on my last post, I am wondering:  "What is my REAL weight?"

I figure my real weight is probably around 138. 

I bought new running shoes 2 weeks ago and I feel too fat to use them, i.e. too fat for running. :-(  You know -- I should use those shoes as incentive to staying on track.

I have been trying hard to keep the night time eating away.  Last night was hard, but I asked myself if I wanted carrot sticks.  I did not not, which meant that I was not truly hungry.  So I did not eat..

I realize now, thanks to Catepillar, that when I get the feelings of wanting to eat for other reasons than hunger, I need find something to do to keep myself busy.

You see, I always thought that when I was experiencing an emotion or the pain of feelings from the past, that I needed to DO SOMETHING about those feelings.

I don't.

What I'm supposed to do is to find something to do - other than eat - until the feelings... fade? dissapate? pass?  I"m not sure. But all along, I was thinking that in order to "feel" the pain and move beyond it, I needed to control it/them (the feelings).

That doesn't work, because my way to control feelings is to eat. 

I'm not sure if therapy was supposed to teach me how to actually DEAL with the feelings -- if so, it didn't. 

How does one deal with sadness? 

How does one touch anger? 

What does one do with frustration?

I don't know.

But what I DO know is that when these feelings come up, I have to find something to do other than to eat.  I could exercise, read, shower, etc.  That's all fine, but note that it doesn't actually DEAL with the emotion.  I'm clueless.

However, once I learn to move beyond the emotional eating, this weight loss journey will become more cut-and-dry of "plan / action / result".  I wonder if I will ever move beyond the emotional eating issue or if it's something I will need to be ever vigilant about.

Progress as of today: 40.5 lbs lost so far, only 9.5 lbs to go!

catepillar on 07/23/2009:
Hello there! My addicted mind is always looking for excuses to eat, and eat things I know will trigger more eating. My anger is one of the ways my body shows a physical/mental response to the addiction. Sure I hae stuff to be angry about, but do I want to truly be well (which means getting rid of that anger) or do I want to hold on to that excuse and know if I do get well and get rid of that anger, that I will be losing one of my biggest excuses to continue my food addiction? My ace in the hole, so to speak. I had a very long talk with someone last night about how evil is always trying to steal your joy. Bad things happen to good people all the time, but we have to be benevolent to those who do harm to us and pray for them that they get help for their problems. We don't have to forgive them, we don't have to excuse their behavior. What we are doing when we are benevolent is giving them back full responsibility for their actions, and putting what they did, back on them. Therapy only works when we want to be well. Because much of therapy is about us coming to our own realization about what is destroying us, and then having the courage to let it go. The strength of survival isn't in waking up the next day after the event(s), it is when we let go of the fear and anger that binds us to the event(s). And being benevolent isn't an action of a weak person. It is the action of a person who is coming into their strength, might not be there yet, but working on it. Benevolence is freedom to be happy and the ability to get rid of the weight on our shoulders. Bestowing benevolence on those who have wronged us is a very strong way to DEAL with emotion. And I have a hard time with this, but it is because I am learning. And it is soooooooooooo easy to just coat myself in what I know (anger, fear, hate) because those are strong emotions that feel strong, not weak. And to do anything else feels sometimes like I am giving in. But I'm not giving in. I am giving it up. Anger, fear, hate, resentment, pensiveness, all of that is emotion that damages us, binds us to pain. And I guess that until we come to that realization on our own that no amount of therapy is going to fix us. Because our own realization is key to our recovery.

I know that I will never be considered a non food addict or a non compulsive eater. I must always know I am so that I can be careful as I go about my day. Vigilance is key. And there is no shame in it because again, there is strength in knowing ourselves and knowing our limitations. Then we can focus on our strengths.

God has strength that far outmatches our own. Lean on Him. Trust Him. Use your faith to help you through. Don't just give lip service to it, use it, walk in it, trust it. I am a firm believer that we find ourselves when we stop trying to control everything and let go, and let God. Of course we have to do our due diligance, but we carry far too much around when we don't have to. I know I do. I know I am. And the only thing I can do is work on it every day.

I don't know your situation or your needs, but I feel the pain of your food addiction and compulsive eating. That makes us family. :)

catepillar on 07/23/2009:
Oh goodness I forgot to tell you how I got to my calories number. Well, it is about trying to lose a particular amount of weight in a particular space of time, and to do it at a rate of no more than 2lbs per week. (of course being heavier, it is always easier to lose weight initially because most is fluid) so based on my BMI, weight, exercise style (non-existant) this was the calorie range to stay in. When I lose the first 20lbs, I will have to recalculate, and as I start to add exercise, agan I will have to recalculate. If I had wanted to lose 20lbs over a six month period of time, I'd likely be able to eat more calories, but I went with the 2lbs per week goal to lose by September. But as you can see by my messages, I pretty much stay at 1550 lol. I wanted to get into the manageable chunks of 20lbs or 10% in 3 month periods of time. But it will have to be adjusted as weight/exercise changes.

catepillar on 07/23/2009:
I mean BMR not BMI

grumpy on 07/23/2009:
Hey Donkey, I am just now starting to explore those feelings. And I hear you're supposed to truly feel them, let them go, not fight them. But also find something to occupy your mind with is great. Anything you have to use your hands for, especially. Painting, knitting, drawing, going for a walk is even better, because then you leave the house and is further away from the kitchen.

You are only too far to run if you are 3 feet tall. Other than that, you're fine. Go running, you enjoy it. Give yourself a break. I love the idea of measuring your hunger with thinking if you want carrots. The same with the way we treat ourselves.. would you have this same judgement if it was me? like 'grumpy, you're too fat to exercise' or something like that. I say that because I judge my appearance so harshly the way i would NEVER do if it was anyone else's. And I wonder why. Of course we should treat others with love, but why not ourselves??

grumpy on 07/23/2009:
Yes, baby, i'll kick yo a**! :) Just do it, pun intended. You will feel better. Love ya!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
LOL....no no, you can ask about the session...i will write about it tomorrow or so...i have no motivation right now to type it. but also, i didn't meet with "my therapist" just someone who takes down the intake on all patients...so i don't really have much to write...until i actually have my first real session. she gave me almost no feedback, except that she was in agreement i comfort eat. and she felt i need more confidence...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
but i was actually not hinting you don't ask again. i just didn't write a new entry yet and am really messed up, feeling exhausted. slept from 6pm-9:30pm...now eating dinner ugh. all messed up.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
i think you will always need to be vigilent about your emotional eating. why back when you first joined was it easier for you to have control? was it bc dieting was new to you?? not that your weight has changed much, just a few pounds. you can do this, before it gets out of your reach/control. try to lose those few pounds now...

as for me, i've realized that i DO NOT at all have control over my eating. and it is still VERY volatile. i have work to do. and absolutely no direction right now. being away from school so long, like 3 weeks almost, it has been very hard to get back into it. and remember everything, and try to improve. i am a bit in disarray.

h82bfat on 07/24/2009:
What I have been doing during my moments is focussing in on something positive - some thing, moment, song, whatever that make me feel alive, makes me feel "pumped", made me laugh 'til I peed my pants - made me feel like I was "king of the world - for just one moment".

We all carry around baggage, whether we want to or not. It's always packed and ready to go - the trick is not picking it up. If you can't tell, I'm into music, so for me sometimes the quickest pick me up is thinking of 2 particular kick ass concerts that I've been to (one as a teen & one just last year). When I think of those times, I think of the music that moves me, the friends that screamed with me like idiots, the exilleration - and I know (in an instant) that Life IS Good. Just try to cling to the moments that made you feel "I can do anything" and not the "why bothers" - it is life altering................

halley on 07/24/2009:
I don't know how you deal with feelings either. Usually running helps me see things more clearly.

Donkey - Tuesday Jul 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.5

Seems that I've gained 3lb since my last entry.  Ugh....

Progress as of today: 36.5 lbs lost so far, only 13.5 lbs to go!

MoodyMe on 07/21/2009:
If you "gained" 3lbs since yesterday it's not real weight~REMEMBER THAT!

Catepillar on 07/22/2009:
The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively. OA has been a Godsend in my life. http://oa12step4coes.org/welcome.html

h82bfat on 07/22/2009:
When I slip up (& yes - I weigh myself the next day too), it just lets me know - ok - get back to it, you've got "X" amount to make up for. Today is a new day - One day & one weigh in is NOT THE END RESULT - only a wheel in the cog, you just have to keep it spinning................

halley on 07/22/2009:
I agree with MoodyMe - it's not real weight. Just keep at it!

Donkey - Monday Jul 20, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

No weigh-in today because I slipped up last night.  And my daughter caught me last night.  I pleaded with her not to tell my husband that I had eaten what I had eaten.  This is not good parenting, I know.

I seem to do fine if I can keep myself focused on the practical "diet" mentality.  But last night I started to feel emotions overtaking me.  Imagine yourself sitting in a room and starting to feel a cold draft coming onto you.  It was very much like that.  And then I didn't really THINK but just started eating.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 07/20/2009:
the mental strain is sometimes what gets me into the predicament. next time, see if you could get yourself to go lay down far away from the kitchen, close your eyes and engage with your soul. it may change the eating outcome:) i need to try this as well- as it is a lot moving in with a boy who eats whatever he wants!! and not try to feel tempted...

MoodyMe on 07/20/2009:
Good advice from Loveray~

Hoping that today is a wonderful day~

greengirl on 07/20/2009:
Sometimes the biggest battle is the one you fight in your head. Keep well, Donkey :)

catepillar on 07/21/2009:
Hi there. Boy do I know how THAT feels! Each of us has to come to terms with our own food addiction in our own time and own way. I wish I could offer you more than my own experiences, but I know that until I was ready to face my own food issues, I could be led to water, but couldn't be made to drink. Just know that God never, never, never leaves us and is the God of our salvation and wants to help. No matter how many times we cry out, no matter how many times we ask for strength for the same thing. God will not judge, God will not say "Hey, how come you don't get it yet?", God will not turn His back on us. He is a powerful God, a mighty God, and He wants us to turn to Him and trust Him during our darkest hours. You are not alone, you are never alone. Go to the OA website and find an online meeting, or even a face to face meeting and when you are ready, you will know. It isn't an easy thing, addictions. And OA isn't just for overweight folks. We are anorexics, bulemics(sp), over exercisers, food addicts, compulsive overeaters, basically any form of food/fitness related addiction finds comfort in the program. Just for today, I wish you peace. :)

Donkey - Saturday Jul 18, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

Weighed in this morning so I thought it only right to update my DD as well.

I'm trying to get myself back into the mindset of losing weight.  I've done the healthy lifestyle change and can live with that. But now I need to get back to a more comfortable weight.  And that means that I will need to experience discomfort to some degree until I get back, closer to goal.

So yesterday, my meals were lighter, but I ate every 2-3 hours.  That seemed to help.  I have cut back on my cardio, to help with cravings.

Last night, I had air-popped popcorn for my "late night" snack, and was satisfied with that.  One "test" that I have used in the past with regards to nighttime snacking is asking myself if I want carrots.  Because if I'm truly hungry, then the answer will be YES, I want carrots.  But if I'm just "bingey" (as HoP says), then the answer would be NO.

And that's when I need to go brush my teeth, floss, use mouthwash and fill up my water bottle.

On the weekends, I have decided that I will be walking on the treadmill instead of my usual ellptical/weights schedule.  I had a great time today, watching TV and walking on the treadmill at the gym.  A real nice change of pace.

I mention this because I was very tempted to hop on the elliptical, but then I decided that, No, I would not.  This is the weekend and weekends are meant to be "active" and different (even if I'm at the gym).

If I'm going to reach my weight loss goal, I need to look beyond all the emotion and just get back to basics.  I think that's where my journey gets "muddled".  I'm trying to work on emotional stuff AND weight loss at the same time and things get rather disordered trying to do too much at once.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

halley on 07/18/2009:
Wow - great loss! Way to go! You seem to have it together.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/20/2009:
heyyyyy donk donk! so thrilled to get a comment from you while i was gone. :)

sorry you are not feeling in the zone with your weight. remember, it takes time to lose what it takes moments to gain! lol. at least that's how it is with you and me, right? but it will come off. you are smart to eat the small meals and snacks. on the trip, i stuck with Meals Only. no snacks, except for flavored water almost everyday, a two liter bottle, and sometimes more. it was only lightly flavored, and the 2 liter bottle was like 200 cal. with all the sweating it was a good thing for me. however, now that i'm home, with all the food temptations, i fully intend on incorporating snacks back in right away. being on the trip, all the excitement, helped me ward off cravings or even from getting most cravings. however, my energy levels definitely were affected gravely.

i will be going to a psychologist today, first visit, in my adult life. aside from the time i went to one as a college student but never went back bc i was left with a sour impression. hopefully this visit will be better. just like you, i am going to hopefully "demuddle" my journey...

sending you love...

Donkey - Friday Jul 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

OK, here's the situation:

I know what I want to achieve.

I know how to do it.

But for some reason, I just can't get myself to do the hard work.  I do pretty well during the day, and then at night I just fall apart and self-medicate with food.

It's kind of like holding my breath the whole day and then exhaling to the extreme at night.

And it's not as though I am restricting my calories during the day so that I eat and eat and eat at the end of the day out of hunger.  That's not it at all.

I was thinking, if I could get my day to end at 7pm, I'd be doing great!  (Some days though, it'd be nice if my day could end at 4:30p.)

So I'm not sure what's going on, but that's pretty much of where I'm at.

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

h82bfat on 07/17/2009:
The evenings are the hardest part of my day too. I don't know why that is - - for me, I'm guesing it's just plain boredom. Hope you can work thru it. I think they shouldn't play any food or restaurant commercials after dinner time! That would be a HUGE help! :c)

halley on 07/17/2009:
Two things that work for me are going for a walk at night, and drinking hot teas after dinner. It's not easy, I carried that burden for a long time. I seem to have it under control, but it was a mental switch that got flipped. I don't know how I flipped it, it just happened. I'll tell you, it had nothing to do with desire, I really wanted to stop eating at night before, I just couldn't. Now it's much easier.

hollybelle on 07/17/2009:
My neighbor lost 20 lbs several years ago and never gained it back. When I asked her what she did to conquer her evening muncies (she complained about this before) she said she found a simple remedy that worked for her - brushing and flossing her teeth after her last meal/snack. if she felt like eating after that she just brushes them again. Who knows it might work. I haven't tried it, though I'm not sure why not!!

loveray on 07/17/2009:
whats going on underneath all of the anxiety eating? i will send some calm energy your way for a pleasant weekend. xoxo

thinnside40 on 07/17/2009:
Night time is the WORST time for me........ I begin to relax and so does my "healthy mentality", BUT when I get up to put my pants on in the morning.....UGH...That is what is keeping me on track right now.... NO buying biffer sizes ever again......

Have a good weekend......

thinnside40 on 07/17/2009:
Whoopsies ~ bigger, not biffer.....

Donkey - Monday Jul 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

Just keeping it real, over here...  Not very happy with it.

Trying a new routine, with regards to exercise, which in turn has caused me to readjust my calorie level (lower).  We'll see how it goes...

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Halley on 07/13/2009:
Looks like you and I are in about the same place. I wish you well.

biscottibody59 on 07/13/2009:
Have a good day there!

loveray on 07/13/2009:
hang in there! xoxo

biscottibody59 on 07/16/2009:
I've been sort of scanning/reading this book on depression and it has a resource in the back that I thought might interest you. It's a 12-step program called Emotions Anonymous (www.emotionsanonymous.org). I've never been to any of these 12 -step deals, though I have a good friend for whom AA was a lifesaver.

Hope you're doing well today!

Donkey - Sunday Jul 12, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

Let me preface this entry by saying that I do not know what I weigh today.  I am feeling extremely bloated and LARGE.  I am extremely aware of the extra weight I am carrying around on my frame, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least.

However, I am not going to beat myself up about my setback, but rather pick myself up and keep trying.

You know, moods come and go.  Life can be good; life can be hard.  And even though I am not doing very well emotionally right now, I'm not going to let that derail my efforts THIS time.

So good or bad, happy or sad, laughter or tears, I'm putting my physical self back on track.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/12/2009:
You may have 10 more pounds around your body than you'd like. Think back when you started your weight journey who those +40 lbs felt, and be kind with yourself and greatefull you love yourself enough not to be there.

As for me, both baby! I find the walks and build them myself. I probably put some barb wire on top of them too. I am not smart and love a pity party. This needs to change now!


Catepillar on 07/13/2009:
Thank you for the welcome. I am finding that Overeaters Anonymous is a great place for compulsive overeaters like myself, food addicts (like myself) and a myriad of other food addictions, even exercise addictions, and everything else that you could imagine. Nobody gets down on you or tells you what to do. It really has helped me the last two days, I'm new to it so can't say very much else about it. I know I like it. Good luck today, we only have one day in front of us, yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here. Take care.

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