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Donkey - Sunday Sep 06, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 146.5

My stomach is revolting against all the crap that I've eaten lately.  Last night I was sick.  Today, I had a little breakfast, and I feel questionable.  Every now and then, I need something like this to happen so that I realize that I need to eat better for myself.

It has been quite trying lately.  I have thought about applying for holiday work at a local craft store.  However, they scrutinize background checks.  I have not submitted the application yet, but even if I do, I do not think I will get an interview.  It was good to fill out the application though, just to do it.

See, I normally do not list short employment.  However, since they do background checks, they would find out about my last employment, since I had my accident/arrest/conviction on the job that is related to my employment.  And because of that, I feel compelled to list my brief employment BEFORE my last employment, since that was at a police department.  Normally, I would not list either of these unsuccessful employment endeavors, as they did not last more than a couple of months.

Actually, the thing that this tells me is that this is not the job for me.  But I feel like I have to do something to bring in some money or we will have a very poor Christmas.  Maybe I should inquire at a temporary agency and see if they have openings/requests for clerical workers, since I can type.  Still, I would expect them to do a background check as well.

On the weight loss front:

I hosted a wedding yesterday at my church, and I cannot possibly gain any more weight.  My dress was so tight it did not fit properly any more.  When I came home, I changed into some shorts, and they ripped at the pocket as I tried to pull them up over my fat donkey.

Then last night, after eating ice cream, I started having my tummy problems.  I got my stomach to settle down enough to sleep, and this morning, I did not eat until I felt hungry, which was about 10a.  However, after having toast (w/peanut butter) and coffee, my stomach has felt cantankerous again.

I have decided to take 4 days off from exercising, and just rest and regroup.  Not that I will be all gung-ho to get back into it, but....  At least it's a change.

Progress as of today: 33.5 lbs lost so far, only 16.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/07/2009:
feel better! i've been having much food issues as well. i've been overexercising so that could be adding to my terrible eating.

biscottibody59 on 09/07/2009:
Sounds like it's been rough going lately--I hope you catch a break and your week improves--you deserve it!

Donkey - Friday Sep 04, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.0

I woke up this morning feeling very bloated.  My weight jumped from 144.5 yesterday to 147.0 today.  WTF...

I had my doctor's appointment today, which was rescheduled from Thursday.  It was very quick, and not painful at all, just a bit uncomfortable.  Although the doctor said that everything "looked good", she still took cells for a biopsy, which I believe is the prudent thing to do.

I had asked her if she might NOT have to have a biopsy, and she said, Yes, you might now.  But then she went ahead and did so anyway.  That's OK.

So now I wait for lab results.  But I am not worried at all.  The doctor said that my body may have fought off the virus on its own.  (insert muscle flex here)

Progress as of today: 33 lbs lost so far, only 17 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/04/2009:
wow, your body fought it off on it's own - that would be great. i feel like i don't hear anything like that often around the hospital, but i hope it is true in your particular case donkey!

sorry about your weight dilemna. please have a good weekend. did your kids start school or do they start after labor day next week? whatever the case, i hope the new school year brings you some happiness and peace.

Donkey - Wednesday Sep 02, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 146.5

I dropped in to leave comments and I figured I should probably write an entry too. 

I have decided to make it my goal to get out of the 140s this month. 

Tomorrow I go to the doctor's to have some "abnormal cells" removed.

Progress as of today: 33.5 lbs lost so far, only 16.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 09/02/2009:
you are totally right about my relationship and all of the preconceived **** is coming from me!! its all about how i percieve how "good" and "cute" and "happy" i am. i am a miracle just for being alive!! good luck with the procedure tomorrow:)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/02/2009:
you know what, your recent binging may be because of your anxiety about your health? no? let tomorrow take it's course, don't be too strict with eating bc that will NOT help you.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/02/2009:
they mischeduled my appointment bc i cannot go to more than ONE in ONE day! :(

who knew!?

so, i have the psychologist in 2 weeks...

cupcakeLuv on 09/03/2009:
good goal!! and good luck at the dr hun

Donkey - Tuesday Sep 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.5

I'm not sure what to write at this time, but I wanted to start the month off with a weigh-in that was accurate.  Sort of like Catepillar's "Day One" philosophy.

I am in a lot of pain.  My back (disc) continues to twinge and shoot pain whenever I move in the slightest incorrect manner -- very unforgiving.

And I continue to struggle against the depression and anxiety that I have addressed in my previous entry(-ies). 

So this has started me thinking of what it is like to live with chronic pain.  I know that there are many people who do so.  I know that there are many people who push through their pain and strive to accomplish interesting or great things.

Progress as of today: 32.5 lbs lost so far, only 17.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/01/2009:
i am meeting a psychologist tomorrow and i may just go on a light antidepressent...

it is horrible to live in chronic pain and i think you have a choice over that.

you need to do something NOW before you continue to eat in an uncontrolled fashion. i don't want you to end up how i was last spring. (and i'm doing my best, sort of, not to get there again.)

Donkey - Sunday Aug 30, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 144.5

Well, I got my donkey out the door and to the gym to walk on the treadmill....  I'm happy to report that I am not getting sick either.  It seems as though each of us here has had a day where s/he felt like s/he was coming down with something but then it passed.  This is good.

Had a very bad day yesterday.  The neighbor's next door had a birthday party for their granddaughter who turned 1.  My b*tchy neighbor -- the one who hasn't spoken to me since my accident -- was there and the lady who used to own our house was there as well.

Although my husband was there, I just couldn't handle it any more and came home and spent the rest of the afternoon crying.  It's very difficult to be around people who think that you are a danger to children.  (I have a conviction of endangering the life of a child as well as a DCFS record now because of my accident.  While most people wouldn't know this, certain people do thanks to the local and Chicago media.)

I felt very bad also because I didn't want my neighbors (grandparents) to think that we weren't there because we didn't want to be or because we didn't care about their granddaughter.  Because that's not true at all, but I'm afraid that is what they will think.

I wish we could move, but we can't.  I hate living here. I'm afraid to step outside of my home many days in fear of my 2 neighbor ladies ("Staci" listed above and "Miss Dee" who came later to the party after I was gone).  Moving really wouldn't solve anything though.

And I couldn't face the lady who used to own this house, knowing that she knows what happened.  I don't know....  I guess seeing her also brought thoughts of how hopeful I was when I moved here to this town and to this house.  And then I went and ruined everything with my stupid driving while yelling at the kids I was driving.  Oh my....

I wish I could put this behind me, but it never really goes away.  Even on those few days that I do seem to live in a certain "denial" -- just focusing on the here and now -- it's still all there.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on about this.  I know this has nothing to do with weight loss other than the fact that I use too much sugar and too much alcohol to try to help myself feel better.  Nothing helps, really, but somehow I keep trying to feel better, which is why I keep gaining weight.

Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!

Catepillar on 08/31/2009:
Hey there my friend. You made a mistake. You have been punished under the law. You are, I am assuming, paying for the mistake. You owe nobody, nothing. Maybe that is why I avoid my neighbors for the most part. I don’t like people in my business because I know I do stuff that seems so good, and then when I fail, I fail mighty and people are always ready to judge us based on our failure far more than congratulating us on our successes. Human beings are odd creatures. When someone is struggling along and hopeless, people want to help. When they struggle along but have a good plan and are positive, people want to be nasty. When we fail, there are always people around who are the “I told you so” or the “Ha, that didn’t last, did it” or whatever they want to be nasty about. This isn’t a reflection of you, it is a reflection of their own lack of life in a little space of their brain that they feel they must occupy with feelings of being better than someone else, to avoid their own dislike of themselves creeping in. They can’t possibly see how they could ever do what the other has done! Well, they might not do what you did, but guarantee they’ve done their own fair share of crap and made their own heavy mistakes. We all do. It is human nature to focus on the negative in others to make ourselves feel better. I do it more often than I would like and spend most of my time apologizing to people for behaving that way. My goal is to STOP behaving that way in the first place, but I realize I have to forgive myself for my own mistakes and LET THEM GO, so I can clear my mind. God bless you sweetheart, it is going to be ok.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/31/2009:
are you still seeing a therapist? i think that you should go back because it really helps to talk to someone, anyone sometimes, once a week to just get these negative feelings out of your head. perhaps that'll help you not to binge as much. for me, staying active - with friends or just myself, outside of the house, really helps me not to binge - and eating a bit more (not strictly dieting) so i don't binge when i get the moment to do so.

i am so sorry that all of this BS has come up again in such way to get you down. but, i have to question you not being able to face the lady that used to own your house - why do you say this?? accidents do happen, you know. it is your house now. and i really don't think you need to worry about how she percieves you. :)

glycrina on 09/01/2009:
I agree with both Catepillar and HOP. And I second HOP on the therapy. You have been through a traumatic event. It sounds like you haven't forgiven yourself. I know you obviously feel very guilty and ashamed about what happened, but you are NOT a bad person, you just made a mistake. You cannot let this define you. Until you work through these feelings of guilt and shame and are able to seperate those out from who you are and what you have done, you won't feel better. Time will also help. There will be other scandals for people to focus on and in a few months . . .

Donkey - Friday Aug 28, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

Well, we're heading into another weekend....

Slowly, very slowly, once again, taking off the binge weight.

I feel like I might be getting sick.  Just a tinge of a sore throat. 

I'm sorry, I don't have anything new or positive to mention.  My life has been put in the status quo for now, although things may change very soon.

Next week (this coming up week) I get scoped.  So the week after that, I should have results.  I do not foresee this going beyond the biopsy but one never knows.

I also received a letter from my defense attorney saying that he is preparing to take me to court to collect his fee.  I no longer have any contact with anything having to do with my case, so if my husband cannot work out a deal (as my husband handles all the money), then I will need to prepare to claim bankruptcy, in order to handle all the debt we are under as a result of my husband's mismanagement of money and my criminal case circumstances.

Perhaps, though, we won't need to go that route.  On either issue.

So until something happens, my life has maintained a status quo of laundry and attending Masses.  And sleeping a lot.

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/28/2009:
i've been doing the "eat, you are tired!?" thing as well lately. arg.

lately i feel like i can NEVER sleep enough!? i am usually not getting 8 hours though...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/28/2009:
you know, maybe buy that "airborne" that can be added to water/seltzer.

biscottibody59 on 08/28/2009:
RYC: I had never heard the word, prebiotic, until I looked up the packet thingie HoP mentioned. I'm not even sure what it's supposed to do--clean you out or prepare your gut for incoming "probiotics?" Yesterday I saw it in a commercial for dog food. (I think it implied that the bulldog would get more bit*hes--to follow him at least--haha, IIRC:-)

I have no recommendation as yet, but based on the article link I left in comments to HoP, it sounds like something that hasn't been studied much. I guess it didn't kill anyone at first ingestion, so they assumed it was okay.

I have been randomly re-reading my McDougall book too and there are some old studies that question the benefit of fiber that has been altered very much--as in pulverized apples (apple sauce). I didn't get that out of it when I first read it. Kinda interesting.

We and the food companies are so fixated upon "fiber" these days that alot gets lost in the shuffle I suspect.

Hang in there with it all--at least you're venting about it--gotta be a good sign!

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 26, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 144.0

One thing I've noticed is that even though I am bingeing, I am able to maintain my weight at this higher number.  Isn't that interesting?  I can maintain at 144, +/- 2lb, at this level of eating and exercising.  (More eating, less exercising.)

I'm still really struggling.  In fact, yesterday, I got to the point where food didn't even taste good any more.  Everything was "yeeck."

Progress as of today: 36 lbs lost so far, only 14 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 08/26/2009:
Mine finally caught up with me....The older I get it seems the faster the eating above/beyond what I should catches up to my waistline...I was thinking I could slack here/there/everywhere, cause at first it didn't seem to effect the numbers.THEN, whala I couldn't hide the fact anymore that I had stopped thinking/eating healthy & look where I am...Popp!

I'm not saying that you will be that way... Just pick yourself up & dust off the "don't cares" while eating beyond the point of where food even tastes good.... Better days ahead of less striggle and more self-worth my firend...We are all so worth taking care of "us"...........


thinnside40 on 08/26/2009:
Lots of typos, but I think you can figure out the words I meant to type... My new glasses caused it ~ LOL

lafemme_loca on 08/26/2009:
Thanks for the comment... yeah it is hard to deal with everything. But I am glad that I am finally seeking the 'help' or the 'accountability' of being here and part of a community. Just need to get my butt kicked a few times by y'all and see what happens. :-) Anyway, do be careful with the increase in eating and decrease in exercise... that is what I did and at first no dire effects happened and then *poof* all of a sudden I was back 11 pounds over weight in three months ! :-( Rebellion doesn't truly pay off in a good way. ;-) Anyway... look forward to reading more and maybe we can hold each other accountable.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/26/2009:
i know what you mean with the food. good thing you didn't do what i did today - i had those fiber packet things, i forget what brand but i think liveactive, that you add to water bottles. oh gosh, they each at only 3 grams fiber and i had two packages in total during the morning. EVERYTHING in my stomach and intestines was totally emptied out of my body by 2pm....very good thing i was HOME early today. :)

biscottibody59 on 08/26/2009:
Hope you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!

Donkey - Sunday Aug 23, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 146.0

I am not doing well at all. 

Progress as of today: 34 lbs lost so far, only 16 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/23/2009:
my advice is to simply have lowered expectations for the following days. for calories, shoot for a higher average and you may suprise yourself, and eat less. this is what i do when i am overwhelmed after a binge, and it works for me.

grumpy on 08/23/2009:
Hang in there, I am not either. I need a plan. xoxo

glycrina on 08/24/2009:
I started working out for at least 30 minutes and not worrying about food so much at first worked for me. I hope you can find what works for you.

biscottibody59 on 08/24/2009:
Hope things improve for you!

Hang in there--don't ever tell yourself you're not worth the trouble. Keep your chin up Donkey!

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 19, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

No weigh-in today.  I hadn't planned on blogging but I had to congratulate **starfish** on her latest weight loss accomplishment! :-)

I've been very busy because my children's school starts this week (tomorrow).  Today we go/went to both kids' schools to get them set up.  I am so worried about my son, but also very hopeful.  I hope he has a good time in Middle School.  I see so much potential there.   I hope it is not ruined by nasty kids and bullies.

So in the middle of all this last minute shopping, I get this call from a number that has been trying to reach me all of last week.  I never seem to get to the phone in time to answer it and whoever calls won't leave a voice mail.

I"m in the middle of the boys' section of Kohl's (an American department store) when I get a call from the number and it turns out it's from my doctor's office that I went to at the end of July.

Apparently, there are some abnormal cells.  So the doctor needs to look at my cervix through a microscope and perhaps take a biopsy.  The nurse on the phone said that it is not something that needs to be done within the next 24 hours -- good thing because it took you over a week to finally reach me on the phone -- but that it is something that "needs to be done". 

Well, the doctor is all booked up next week, so I get the scope done 2 weeks from today.  Glad it's not urgent........

I must admit that while I was somewhat taken aback, I was not totally surprised that my tests came back with some problems.  I had had a problem, which is why I went to the doctor in the first place, but by the time I had the appointment, the problem reconciled itself.  And I've had another TOM since the appointment as well.  So I do not expect this go to any further than this.

Actually, it can't because my husband told me that we cannot afford for me to get cancer.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/19/2009:
Re: Thanks for posting. It made me smile. I am actually a Virgo but I think I was supposed to be Leo because I identify with that sign. I am sorry about your health scare. Please let us know if you are alright. I will be praying for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/19/2009:
just passing through and i hope you are going to be ok. it is a good thing you are in a positive mindset with it. i wish only good things.

loveray on 08/20/2009:
hope you are well today. love love

biscottibody59 on 08/21/2009:
Hope you're doing well today! Hang in there Donkey--hoping this is nothing for you to get all riled up about;-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/21/2009:
thinking about you. therapy helped this time around...it kept me in a good mood longer and i was just glad to talk to someone about my feelings and know they were just there to listen/help and not tell me their own feelings about themselves. it's kinda nice having it be all about me. i do hope to get some helpful feedback, moreso, in the weeks to come! :)

i hope you are doing better, too. catch up with us.

Donkey - Monday Aug 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

I had not planned on blogging tonight.  In fact, I blog on another site, but truth be told, I feel most comfortable talking here amongst friends.

Weigh-in is tomorrow, and I am almost sure to see a number around 144.  You know, maybe I won't weigh in.  I've had about a week -- yes, ONE WEEK -- of binge eating, and I know that if I weigh in, it will be there, on the scale.

Not that I'm not accountable or responsible.  I'm not saying that at all.  It's just ....  I don't think weighing in would serve its purpose if I did so now.  I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I know that's what I mean.

I found a reason to live today.  My children have been away all week with my mother and my sister, so I had decided I would clean their rooms out while they were gone. 

Unfortunately, due to TOM (cramps) and a bout of strong depression, I did not get started until the day before they are to return home.  I spent most of the afternoon cleaning out their rooms.  And now I see that if nothing else, I need to live so that I can keep my son's room clean.   This was my epiphany for the day.

Until I started on my daughter's room, and I realized that she is just as bad as he is when it comes to throwing things away.  It's just that she keeps the mess better organized.  But it's still a mess, and that is what I am here for, because I know if I were to .... leave.... that my husband would never EVER clean their rooms out and they would have to live with messy, messy rooms I guess until they left the house for college or Husband sold the house.  (Candy wrappers, empty cans/bottles, dust bunny colonies, beads, papers, etc.)

So that is my mission in life, for now.  I managed to get things cleared out, but now I have to get things sorted and put back.  I also have the shelving unit in the living room that holds the children's art supplies and games to organize as well.

It's so comforting to have a purpose to one's life.

This of course, all happened after an *~*AMAZING*~* workout at the gym.  I have decided to focus on cardio until I can get my weight back down SOLIDLY into the 130's.



Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/18/2009:
LOL. I love that your reason to live is to keep the house clean. I am really proud that you are fighting through the depression to get to the gym. You don't have to weigh in if you think it is going to be more hurtful than helpful. I think we know our own bodies pretty well.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/18/2009:
ok, so you live for your kids! good. but, you must live for you too!

so i have a good question, you may not like it, but you must have muscular legs, right? since you do so much cardio. like, they might be the slim muscular or a more heavy muscular but they are not flabby, right? so when you gain weight, do you gain it all over or just in one place? i'm wondering just bc when i gained, it was all over.

but, unfortunately, my legs are not in shape so much and i think it is seen more, the weight, in my thighs. which sucks to the high heavens! lol. and, my goal, is that they will at least look more muscular as i attempt to lose some of the fat, hopefully it'll go down aound my knees.

so my other question is, if your legs were flabby when you were heavier, did they get more muscular with all the cardio you do? lol, i was thinking about this while doing 6 miles today....i'm a dork, i know. hope you don't mind answering. and if you do, thats ok with me too.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/18/2009:
i have been binging often, too.

biscottibody59 on 08/19/2009:
You are keeping very busy--that's for sure! Hope you have a good day!

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