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Donkey - Monday Aug 03, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

I think I keep weighing myself in order to see if I'm losing "binge weight" versus "real weight"....

Well, yesterday was actually a pretty good day eating-wise, probably because I was able to keep my emotions at bay (away, essentially).  This is quite an improvement over last week, when I was feeling despondent even in the face of good news.  (And not just "good news" but "saving-our-butts good news".)

I hope to continue to use the "Just For Today" philosophy for today as well.  I'm also employing the "Fake It Til You Make It" approach by smiling as much as I can in public.  One guy at the gym this morning said to me, "You shouldn't be smiling this early in the morning; what are you drinking?"  LOL!  Strong coffee, my friend.  Very strong coffee....

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/03/2009:
Haha! Donkey you are so funny! I have been telling myself: One day at a time -- I work with addicts and I find the AA philosophy very helpful with my food addiction. I am going to try to FAKE IT TIL I MAKE IT today by smiling more. It is already helping. great idea!

hollybelle on 08/04/2009:
Amen, sister! I'm brewing my coffee right now and you should SEE the smile on my face!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/04/2009:
i also like the "fake it till you make it." i do it ALL the time with my neighbors. and i think that is totally fine. lol, that guy at the gym sounds like a nice friendly guy. :)

me and you, we're having some recent very highs and very lows, emotionally/mentally. lets try to reach a healthy plateau.

h82bfat on 08/04/2009:
I do the same thing. When I know I've eaten more than I should, I weigh myself to see what damage I've done & I keep weighing until I know I'm back on track - human nature, I guess. I only blog my weight on my weigh in day (Progress or not), but sometimes quite a bit of monitoring has gone into keeping me on track for the "official" weigh in! However, I am learning to just stay clear of the scale when TOM's around - those weigh ins are all over the map and don't help my "hormonal frame of mind" AT ALL! :c)

biscottibody59 on 08/04/2009:
Have a good day!

Donkey - Sunday Aug 02, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 144.5

Not that I'm hung up on the scale.  Please do not misunderstand the weigh-in this morning.

Today was quite a different Sunday than usual.  Our town had a small "parade" with the lights and sirens of police and fire.  (Indeed, it is called the "Lights & Sirens Parade" -- so as not to be confused with "Throwing Tons of Candy At Your Kids Parade".)  Then they had an auto show afterwards, outside.

So I took the kids and walked the 4 blocks or so to a nice shady spot and watched the 15 minute (?) parade (LOL).  Then we walked around and saw some of the cars and walked home.

Later, my daughter (9) and I went for a 2 hour long bike ride.  Not very strenuous for me, but enjoyable and relaxing.

Now I am going to the store to buy milk, as we ran out of that this morning.  I have taken to drinking a glass of milk in the morning.

This is definitely one of those "one day at a time" days, where I didn't think of too much of anything but today.

Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!

h82bfat on 08/03/2009:
Excellent! Focus on the here and now! You got in lots of activity too! Some days my only accomplishment is that I know I'm up and moving around WAY more than I used to do. The "Positive" is always there - look for it & you'll find it.

halley on 08/03/2009:
You're not hung up on the scale - or if you are than I am too. I weigh everyday and post every single gain or loss. Everyone is different.

It sounds like a lovely day!

Donkey - Saturday Aug 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 145.0

Today's entry is soley for the purpose of logging in a "starting" weight  for the month of August.

I tried to think of goals for myself for this month, but I have none.

Progress as of today: 35 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

halley on 08/01/2009:
Ok - back on track now. New Month - New You!

catepillar on 08/01/2009:
Hi sweetie! We are having a meeting in about ten minutes! http://oa12step4coes.org/meetings.html Scroll down on the left side to "Meetings" and then you'll see the times listed. Clickon the chat room and you'll be in! If you can't make it now, no worries, I just wanted to invite you and let you know you are cared about!

jon'smom on 08/01/2009:
Hi Donkey! It's great to see that you are still here. Good luck this month. I hope you reach any goal that you set for yourself:)

h82bfat on 08/02/2009:
I don't really have a goal either. I put 175 (is that what I put?), however, I just want to eat healthier & be more active than I was a year ago. If I do that, even if it turns out to be an "off/bad" day for me, I tell myself that I am still on track becus B4 I woulda......... I tell myself that I still have made improvements becus even though I ate______, B4 I woulda.......... and most importantly, I tell myself that I have all the days that are ahead of me to keep living, to keep loving, to keep evolving, to keep soldiering on, TO JUST BE........

Donkey - Friday Jul 31, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

Did not weigh in but I am sure I am up to around 144.

I am not doing well today at all.  But I wanted to have an entry today so that at the end of August, I can look back and see how far I've come.

July didn't get much accomplished.

Here's looking forward to a much more positive August.

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

halley on 07/31/2009:
I know how hard it is to lose weight at this stage. The losses come more slowly and you get weary of always thinking about losing weight. I just really have to make this work. I can't give up - neither can you.

catepillar on 07/31/2009:
Hello there! Thank YOU so much for all your kind words and encouragement. It is so nice to NOT be alone. I think now that you are aware of where your strength can come from, you will become even more aware of yourself and begin the true process of healing. Letting go is sooooooooooooo scary, I am in the big middle of it right now. And it is very hard. But each day that you do a little at a time, you will find a joy and freedom that comes from deep in your heart in a place you long felt was dead. And the truly beautiful woman you are who wants to live life, not just exist in pursuit of a thin body, will be exposed like a beautiful butterfly. Fear traps us, anger traps us, realization and trust in a HP really really does make a huge difference in our lives. It is ok to be afraid, just take one day at a time, a little at a time. ((((((Donkey)))))) ty for sharing!

H82bfat on 08/01/2009:
What are you talking about?!? You ARE accomplishing something! You have stayed "aware" and you are taking ownership of your actions and reactions. Maybe you haven't lost what you wanted or you faltered more than you'd hoped for - HOWEVER, you are still here, you are still "in the fight" and you are still trying! As long as that little spark is there, that desire to make a change exists, you ARE "accomplishing" becus each self acknowledgment is progress, no matter how large or small that nugget of awareness is. Keep in mind that this might just take a little longer than you had originally planned - that's all.......... Rome wasn't built in a day - and neither were our thighs!!! :c)

biscottibody59 on 08/01/2009:
Happy August!

Hope your day goes well today!

Donkey - Monday Jul 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I didn't make it.

For some reason, I ended up crossing that line between EAT and DON'T EAT.

And I ate.

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

halley on 07/27/2009:
It's ok - just pick yourself back up and start fresh today. I recently had someone say something AWFUL about me - but I just had to let it go. It's not easy - but exercise works better than food to make you feel better. - Not just that it's better for you - but it's much more effective.

grumpy on 07/27/2009:
well sweetie, we all cross that line sometimes, that's why we're here. my question to you is.. why does it matter so much what one person said about you with a one sides view, when you know better about yourself? and also, what kind of person goes to church to talk bad about others? defeats the whole purpose, no? xoxo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2009:
first, you shouldn't be "not eating." you should be eating. within reason. did you watch oprah today?? it was a rerun, but a crazy show about a guy who has lost and gained over 3,000 pounds. it makes me sick to hear about it...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/27/2009:
i agree with grumpy. you do exactly what i do which is to worry WAY TOO MUCH about what OTHERS THINK about YOU. In the end, they care more about themselves. but, YOU are caring too much about them and their thoughts. the focus should be on YOUR health, nobody else's.

hollybelle on 07/29/2009:
Halley has a really good point above about exercising having a better effect when we are upset. I think next time I feel like foraging when I'm upset I am just going to put on my New Balance shoes and go for a walk or jump on the bike. I only go to small groups now - not big church - because of some things like you are talking about. I'll be.....sometimes you find the cruelest of the worlds sins so prevalent in Church!! No wonder the world is in the shape it is in. I think we just have to let those things of man go and remember that it is only God opinion of us that we need be concerned with. It DOES take practice, though and it doesn't FEEL good to be maligned publicly or privately.

biscottibody59 on 07/30/2009:
Hope you're having a good week!

Donkey - Sunday Jul 26, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

Weighed in this morning, just to see if the weight was actually going DOWN.  It is not.  It went up, but not by much.  But this is it.  Now I fight my body to release more weight.

Today I ran into someone at church who has caused me grief.  I understand why she has said what she has said.  Unfortunately, she said what she said about me with only one person's interpretation.  And I was never allowed to say my side of the story.

This encounter took an already difficult day down quite a bit.  I have tried very hard not to eat in reaction to this.  I came home, had lunch - and made lunch for the kids - and then I went upstairs to watch TV so I would not be around the kitchen.

While I was watching TV, I kept thinking of all the foods that I would like to drown my sadness in.  I won't list them here, though.  I came down and had my afternoon tea (fancy name for "snack").  I thought I would have some frozen watermelon, because even if I eat a lot of that, it's not as damaging as if I ate a lot of other possibilities.

I did not eat the whole container though, 1-2 cups.  Then I had a cup of dry cereal, which seems to be my latest "safe" indulgence. 

And now I will not eat until dinner.  (Or, I will be asking myself the Carrot Question again.)

Sometimes, I wish we could move.  Right now that's not feasible.  Actually, I doubt my husband would agree to it.  This was supposed to be our Forever Home.

Just an unfortunate day, I suppose...

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

catepillar on 07/26/2009:
I understand EXACTLY what you are going through with the food!! Good for you for finding something else to do. Unfortunate days are so difficult. Fortunately they only last for one day :) Hang in there!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2009:
hang in there is right. today was rough, but tomorrow could be much better. if you want it to be. :) tomorrow is Monday. take some time to think about what you are happy about, or what you have to be proud of in yourself.

MoodyMe on 07/26/2009:
You handled what seemed to be a stressful day emotionally VERY well...you should be very proud of yourself...

Frozen watermelon...never thought of that..it doesn't get mushy???

h82bfat on 07/27/2009:
You did good! My only suggestion would be to try to do something physical instead of watching tv - not that watching tv is a bad thing. It's just that between all the food & restaurant commercials, cooking shows and food reality shows on the air now - it can sometimes make you crave food even more, especially if you're already "down in the dumps". I know this from experience!

Try not to focuss on what the acquaintance said/did - focuss on the positive of what came out of that situation. And there WAS a positve. The positive was that you proved to yourself that you can take control and you didn't let it get the best of you. THAT is a step in the right direction - AND THAT is a POSITIVE!

Donkey - Saturday Jul 25, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 139.0

I stupidly weighed myself this morning.  It was such a force of habit that I did not realize that I was not going to weigh myself until Tuesday until the number flashed on the screen.  Fortunately, I am not in a place right now where the number dictates my mood or my actions or my day.  The only thing it affects is the number I punch into the cardio machines at the gym.

Not only does my husband have to work 12 hours today but he also has to work 12 hours tomorrow.  Sundays are hard enough as they are, with the husband around.  Not that we would necessarily do anything if he were home.  In fact, I'd probably do more with him NOT home, just so I can fill the time.

Thankfully today will be *beautiful* weather-wise, so at least I cannot be limited to indoor activities.  We shall see.

Progress as of today: 41 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

MoodyMe on 07/25/2009:
I have just the opposite problem..I avoid the scale like the plague, hence the pounds creep up..NOT GOOD! It's all about balance isn't it?

Hope the weather holds and you get outside to enjoy it! I took one of my dogs on a walk today and timed it well..it started storming within an hour of us getting back!!

h82bfat on 07/26/2009:
Greet mindset!! All the scale does is give you little reminders. I only "freak out" if I gain 4+ pounds (it's happened) but in all truthfullness - I can't say that those moments come as complete surprises either........... I stomp around for a little bit and then just refocuss. As long as you refocuss you are succeeding! Don't let that number control you - YOU control IT - even when it wants to play a game of tug-o-war with you!

Hope the weather holds out for you! ANGUS RULES!!

Donkey - Friday Jul 24, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I guess I'm at my "Real Weight", after 3-4 days of getting back on track.  So now starts the work.

Last night, I had that semi-hungry feeling again around 9:30p.  So asked myself the carrots question:  Do you want some carrots?  And this time, I did!  So I had 4 of them and they were very tasty.

(I guess you have to like raw carrots to understand what I'm talking about.) 

Unfortunately, this morning, my weight was up 0.5 lbs.  WHAT??  Isn't it enough to drive you crazy?  YES.  So now that I know what my Real Weight is, I can stop weighing in every day, and go back to my designated once-a-week weigh-in on Tuesdays.

I'm good with that.

No special plans this weekend.  My husband has to work 12 hours on Saturday which makes for a lonely day.  I am hoping that the weather stays nice (i.e. no rain) so that I can do outdoor things with the kids.

If it does rain, I'm taking them to the library so that I can pick up something to read!

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

halley on 07/24/2009:
I have a bag of carrots in my fridge - but I haven't wanted to eat them yet!

nenak on 07/24/2009:
enjoy your weekend hope the weather is good for you!

MoodyMe on 07/24/2009:
I think your carrot question is cute..have to smile everytime I hear that you asked yourself that!

I hope that the weekend weather cooperates with you so you can get out in the fresh air with your kiddos!

catepillar on 07/24/2009:
Night hunger is my hardest to overcome. It is really cool that you have a way to check that hunger and feed it something that is low calorie. Great job!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/24/2009:
blah...i couldn't do the carrots thing...i'd have to substitute it for something else...some cooked and flavored veggie...lol, but that would certainly defeat the purpose...

h82bfat on 07/25/2009:
You're doing a great job! I'm glad your carrots are working for you. Lately my hubby has been munching (I'm talking sandwichs & leftovers - not just a granola bar) late (all the way up to midnight last night) and it's starting to get really annoying again (he'd chilled out for awhile) - it's gonna start catching up to him pretty soon...... I finally just had to go to bed last night - I can only distract myself with a book in my face for so long! A girl can only take so much! :c)

biscottibody59 on 07/25/2009:
RYC: You are right!

Check this out for more: http://www.rhymes.org.uk/as_i_was_going_to_st_ives.htm

This site has a ton of nursery rhymes--might be fun to share some of this with your offspring!

Have a good one!

ps I know it doesn't help you much, but I'd give each of my pinkie toes (unless it made me walk funny for the rest of my life) to weigh 140 in a healthy and active manner for the rest of my born days;-)

Donkey - Thursday Jul 23, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 139.5

I weighed in this morning.

From the comments I received on my last post, I am wondering:  "What is my REAL weight?"

I figure my real weight is probably around 138. 

I bought new running shoes 2 weeks ago and I feel too fat to use them, i.e. too fat for running. :-(  You know -- I should use those shoes as incentive to staying on track.

I have been trying hard to keep the night time eating away.  Last night was hard, but I asked myself if I wanted carrot sticks.  I did not not, which meant that I was not truly hungry.  So I did not eat..

I realize now, thanks to Catepillar, that when I get the feelings of wanting to eat for other reasons than hunger, I need find something to do to keep myself busy.

You see, I always thought that when I was experiencing an emotion or the pain of feelings from the past, that I needed to DO SOMETHING about those feelings.

I don't.

What I'm supposed to do is to find something to do - other than eat - until the feelings... fade? dissapate? pass?  I"m not sure. But all along, I was thinking that in order to "feel" the pain and move beyond it, I needed to control it/them (the feelings).

That doesn't work, because my way to control feelings is to eat. 

I'm not sure if therapy was supposed to teach me how to actually DEAL with the feelings -- if so, it didn't. 

How does one deal with sadness? 

How does one touch anger? 

What does one do with frustration?

I don't know.

But what I DO know is that when these feelings come up, I have to find something to do other than to eat.  I could exercise, read, shower, etc.  That's all fine, but note that it doesn't actually DEAL with the emotion.  I'm clueless.

However, once I learn to move beyond the emotional eating, this weight loss journey will become more cut-and-dry of "plan / action / result".  I wonder if I will ever move beyond the emotional eating issue or if it's something I will need to be ever vigilant about.

Progress as of today: 40.5 lbs lost so far, only 9.5 lbs to go!

catepillar on 07/23/2009:
Hello there! My addicted mind is always looking for excuses to eat, and eat things I know will trigger more eating. My anger is one of the ways my body shows a physical/mental response to the addiction. Sure I hae stuff to be angry about, but do I want to truly be well (which means getting rid of that anger) or do I want to hold on to that excuse and know if I do get well and get rid of that anger, that I will be losing one of my biggest excuses to continue my food addiction? My ace in the hole, so to speak. I had a very long talk with someone last night about how evil is always trying to steal your joy. Bad things happen to good people all the time, but we have to be benevolent to those who do harm to us and pray for them that they get help for their problems. We don't have to forgive them, we don't have to excuse their behavior. What we are doing when we are benevolent is giving them back full responsibility for their actions, and putting what they did, back on them. Therapy only works when we want to be well. Because much of therapy is about us coming to our own realization about what is destroying us, and then having the courage to let it go. The strength of survival isn't in waking up the next day after the event(s), it is when we let go of the fear and anger that binds us to the event(s). And being benevolent isn't an action of a weak person. It is the action of a person who is coming into their strength, might not be there yet, but working on it. Benevolence is freedom to be happy and the ability to get rid of the weight on our shoulders. Bestowing benevolence on those who have wronged us is a very strong way to DEAL with emotion. And I have a hard time with this, but it is because I am learning. And it is soooooooooooo easy to just coat myself in what I know (anger, fear, hate) because those are strong emotions that feel strong, not weak. And to do anything else feels sometimes like I am giving in. But I'm not giving in. I am giving it up. Anger, fear, hate, resentment, pensiveness, all of that is emotion that damages us, binds us to pain. And I guess that until we come to that realization on our own that no amount of therapy is going to fix us. Because our own realization is key to our recovery.

I know that I will never be considered a non food addict or a non compulsive eater. I must always know I am so that I can be careful as I go about my day. Vigilance is key. And there is no shame in it because again, there is strength in knowing ourselves and knowing our limitations. Then we can focus on our strengths.

God has strength that far outmatches our own. Lean on Him. Trust Him. Use your faith to help you through. Don't just give lip service to it, use it, walk in it, trust it. I am a firm believer that we find ourselves when we stop trying to control everything and let go, and let God. Of course we have to do our due diligance, but we carry far too much around when we don't have to. I know I do. I know I am. And the only thing I can do is work on it every day.

I don't know your situation or your needs, but I feel the pain of your food addiction and compulsive eating. That makes us family. :)

catepillar on 07/23/2009:
Oh goodness I forgot to tell you how I got to my calories number. Well, it is about trying to lose a particular amount of weight in a particular space of time, and to do it at a rate of no more than 2lbs per week. (of course being heavier, it is always easier to lose weight initially because most is fluid) so based on my BMI, weight, exercise style (non-existant) this was the calorie range to stay in. When I lose the first 20lbs, I will have to recalculate, and as I start to add exercise, agan I will have to recalculate. If I had wanted to lose 20lbs over a six month period of time, I'd likely be able to eat more calories, but I went with the 2lbs per week goal to lose by September. But as you can see by my messages, I pretty much stay at 1550 lol. I wanted to get into the manageable chunks of 20lbs or 10% in 3 month periods of time. But it will have to be adjusted as weight/exercise changes.

catepillar on 07/23/2009:
I mean BMR not BMI

grumpy on 07/23/2009:
Hey Donkey, I am just now starting to explore those feelings. And I hear you're supposed to truly feel them, let them go, not fight them. But also find something to occupy your mind with is great. Anything you have to use your hands for, especially. Painting, knitting, drawing, going for a walk is even better, because then you leave the house and is further away from the kitchen.

You are only too far to run if you are 3 feet tall. Other than that, you're fine. Go running, you enjoy it. Give yourself a break. I love the idea of measuring your hunger with thinking if you want carrots. The same with the way we treat ourselves.. would you have this same judgement if it was me? like 'grumpy, you're too fat to exercise' or something like that. I say that because I judge my appearance so harshly the way i would NEVER do if it was anyone else's. And I wonder why. Of course we should treat others with love, but why not ourselves??

grumpy on 07/23/2009:
Yes, baby, i'll kick yo a**! :) Just do it, pun intended. You will feel better. Love ya!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
LOL....no no, you can ask about the session...i will write about it tomorrow or so...i have no motivation right now to type it. but also, i didn't meet with "my therapist" just someone who takes down the intake on all patients...so i don't really have much to write...until i actually have my first real session. she gave me almost no feedback, except that she was in agreement i comfort eat. and she felt i need more confidence...

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
but i was actually not hinting you don't ask again. i just didn't write a new entry yet and am really messed up, feeling exhausted. slept from 6pm-9:30pm...now eating dinner ugh. all messed up.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
i think you will always need to be vigilent about your emotional eating. why back when you first joined was it easier for you to have control? was it bc dieting was new to you?? not that your weight has changed much, just a few pounds. you can do this, before it gets out of your reach/control. try to lose those few pounds now...

as for me, i've realized that i DO NOT at all have control over my eating. and it is still VERY volatile. i have work to do. and absolutely no direction right now. being away from school so long, like 3 weeks almost, it has been very hard to get back into it. and remember everything, and try to improve. i am a bit in disarray.

h82bfat on 07/24/2009:
What I have been doing during my moments is focussing in on something positive - some thing, moment, song, whatever that make me feel alive, makes me feel "pumped", made me laugh 'til I peed my pants - made me feel like I was "king of the world - for just one moment".

We all carry around baggage, whether we want to or not. It's always packed and ready to go - the trick is not picking it up. If you can't tell, I'm into music, so for me sometimes the quickest pick me up is thinking of 2 particular kick ass concerts that I've been to (one as a teen & one just last year). When I think of those times, I think of the music that moves me, the friends that screamed with me like idiots, the exilleration - and I know (in an instant) that Life IS Good. Just try to cling to the moments that made you feel "I can do anything" and not the "why bothers" - it is life altering................

halley on 07/24/2009:
I don't know how you deal with feelings either. Usually running helps me see things more clearly.

Donkey - Tuesday Jul 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.5

Seems that I've gained 3lb since my last entry.  Ugh....

Progress as of today: 36.5 lbs lost so far, only 13.5 lbs to go!

MoodyMe on 07/21/2009:
If you "gained" 3lbs since yesterday it's not real weight~REMEMBER THAT!

Catepillar on 07/22/2009:
The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively. OA has been a Godsend in my life. http://oa12step4coes.org/welcome.html

h82bfat on 07/22/2009:
When I slip up (& yes - I weigh myself the next day too), it just lets me know - ok - get back to it, you've got "X" amount to make up for. Today is a new day - One day & one weigh in is NOT THE END RESULT - only a wheel in the cog, you just have to keep it spinning................

halley on 07/22/2009:
I agree with MoodyMe - it's not real weight. Just keep at it!

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