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Donkey - Monday Jul 20, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

No weigh-in today because I slipped up last night.  And my daughter caught me last night.  I pleaded with her not to tell my husband that I had eaten what I had eaten.  This is not good parenting, I know.

I seem to do fine if I can keep myself focused on the practical "diet" mentality.  But last night I started to feel emotions overtaking me.  Imagine yourself sitting in a room and starting to feel a cold draft coming onto you.  It was very much like that.  And then I didn't really THINK but just started eating.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 07/20/2009:
the mental strain is sometimes what gets me into the predicament. next time, see if you could get yourself to go lay down far away from the kitchen, close your eyes and engage with your soul. it may change the eating outcome:) i need to try this as well- as it is a lot moving in with a boy who eats whatever he wants!! and not try to feel tempted...

MoodyMe on 07/20/2009:
Good advice from Loveray~

Hoping that today is a wonderful day~

greengirl on 07/20/2009:
Sometimes the biggest battle is the one you fight in your head. Keep well, Donkey :)

catepillar on 07/21/2009:
Hi there. Boy do I know how THAT feels! Each of us has to come to terms with our own food addiction in our own time and own way. I wish I could offer you more than my own experiences, but I know that until I was ready to face my own food issues, I could be led to water, but couldn't be made to drink. Just know that God never, never, never leaves us and is the God of our salvation and wants to help. No matter how many times we cry out, no matter how many times we ask for strength for the same thing. God will not judge, God will not say "Hey, how come you don't get it yet?", God will not turn His back on us. He is a powerful God, a mighty God, and He wants us to turn to Him and trust Him during our darkest hours. You are not alone, you are never alone. Go to the OA website and find an online meeting, or even a face to face meeting and when you are ready, you will know. It isn't an easy thing, addictions. And OA isn't just for overweight folks. We are anorexics, bulemics(sp), over exercisers, food addicts, compulsive overeaters, basically any form of food/fitness related addiction finds comfort in the program. Just for today, I wish you peace. :)

Donkey - Saturday Jul 18, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

Weighed in this morning so I thought it only right to update my DD as well.

I'm trying to get myself back into the mindset of losing weight.  I've done the healthy lifestyle change and can live with that. But now I need to get back to a more comfortable weight.  And that means that I will need to experience discomfort to some degree until I get back, closer to goal.

So yesterday, my meals were lighter, but I ate every 2-3 hours.  That seemed to help.  I have cut back on my cardio, to help with cravings.

Last night, I had air-popped popcorn for my "late night" snack, and was satisfied with that.  One "test" that I have used in the past with regards to nighttime snacking is asking myself if I want carrots.  Because if I'm truly hungry, then the answer will be YES, I want carrots.  But if I'm just "bingey" (as HoP says), then the answer would be NO.

And that's when I need to go brush my teeth, floss, use mouthwash and fill up my water bottle.

On the weekends, I have decided that I will be walking on the treadmill instead of my usual ellptical/weights schedule.  I had a great time today, watching TV and walking on the treadmill at the gym.  A real nice change of pace.

I mention this because I was very tempted to hop on the elliptical, but then I decided that, No, I would not.  This is the weekend and weekends are meant to be "active" and different (even if I'm at the gym).

If I'm going to reach my weight loss goal, I need to look beyond all the emotion and just get back to basics.  I think that's where my journey gets "muddled".  I'm trying to work on emotional stuff AND weight loss at the same time and things get rather disordered trying to do too much at once.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

halley on 07/18/2009:
Wow - great loss! Way to go! You seem to have it together.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/20/2009:
heyyyyy donk donk! so thrilled to get a comment from you while i was gone. :)

sorry you are not feeling in the zone with your weight. remember, it takes time to lose what it takes moments to gain! lol. at least that's how it is with you and me, right? but it will come off. you are smart to eat the small meals and snacks. on the trip, i stuck with Meals Only. no snacks, except for flavored water almost everyday, a two liter bottle, and sometimes more. it was only lightly flavored, and the 2 liter bottle was like 200 cal. with all the sweating it was a good thing for me. however, now that i'm home, with all the food temptations, i fully intend on incorporating snacks back in right away. being on the trip, all the excitement, helped me ward off cravings or even from getting most cravings. however, my energy levels definitely were affected gravely.

i will be going to a psychologist today, first visit, in my adult life. aside from the time i went to one as a college student but never went back bc i was left with a sour impression. hopefully this visit will be better. just like you, i am going to hopefully "demuddle" my journey...

sending you love...

Donkey - Friday Jul 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

OK, here's the situation:

I know what I want to achieve.

I know how to do it.

But for some reason, I just can't get myself to do the hard work.  I do pretty well during the day, and then at night I just fall apart and self-medicate with food.

It's kind of like holding my breath the whole day and then exhaling to the extreme at night.

And it's not as though I am restricting my calories during the day so that I eat and eat and eat at the end of the day out of hunger.  That's not it at all.

I was thinking, if I could get my day to end at 7pm, I'd be doing great!  (Some days though, it'd be nice if my day could end at 4:30p.)

So I'm not sure what's going on, but that's pretty much of where I'm at.

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

h82bfat on 07/17/2009:
The evenings are the hardest part of my day too. I don't know why that is - - for me, I'm guesing it's just plain boredom. Hope you can work thru it. I think they shouldn't play any food or restaurant commercials after dinner time! That would be a HUGE help! :c)

halley on 07/17/2009:
Two things that work for me are going for a walk at night, and drinking hot teas after dinner. It's not easy, I carried that burden for a long time. I seem to have it under control, but it was a mental switch that got flipped. I don't know how I flipped it, it just happened. I'll tell you, it had nothing to do with desire, I really wanted to stop eating at night before, I just couldn't. Now it's much easier.

hollybelle on 07/17/2009:
My neighbor lost 20 lbs several years ago and never gained it back. When I asked her what she did to conquer her evening muncies (she complained about this before) she said she found a simple remedy that worked for her - brushing and flossing her teeth after her last meal/snack. if she felt like eating after that she just brushes them again. Who knows it might work. I haven't tried it, though I'm not sure why not!!

loveray on 07/17/2009:
whats going on underneath all of the anxiety eating? i will send some calm energy your way for a pleasant weekend. xoxo

thinnside40 on 07/17/2009:
Night time is the WORST time for me........ I begin to relax and so does my "healthy mentality", BUT when I get up to put my pants on in the morning.....UGH...That is what is keeping me on track right now.... NO buying biffer sizes ever again......

Have a good weekend......

thinnside40 on 07/17/2009:
Whoopsies ~ bigger, not biffer.....

Donkey - Monday Jul 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 143.0

Just keeping it real, over here...  Not very happy with it.

Trying a new routine, with regards to exercise, which in turn has caused me to readjust my calorie level (lower).  We'll see how it goes...

Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

Halley on 07/13/2009:
Looks like you and I are in about the same place. I wish you well.

biscottibody59 on 07/13/2009:
Have a good day there!

loveray on 07/13/2009:
hang in there! xoxo

biscottibody59 on 07/16/2009:
I've been sort of scanning/reading this book on depression and it has a resource in the back that I thought might interest you. It's a 12-step program called Emotions Anonymous (www.emotionsanonymous.org). I've never been to any of these 12 -step deals, though I have a good friend for whom AA was a lifesaver.

Hope you're doing well today!

Donkey - Sunday Jul 12, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

Let me preface this entry by saying that I do not know what I weigh today.  I am feeling extremely bloated and LARGE.  I am extremely aware of the extra weight I am carrying around on my frame, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least.

However, I am not going to beat myself up about my setback, but rather pick myself up and keep trying.

You know, moods come and go.  Life can be good; life can be hard.  And even though I am not doing very well emotionally right now, I'm not going to let that derail my efforts THIS time.

So good or bad, happy or sad, laughter or tears, I'm putting my physical self back on track.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/12/2009:
You may have 10 more pounds around your body than you'd like. Think back when you started your weight journey who those +40 lbs felt, and be kind with yourself and greatefull you love yourself enough not to be there.

As for me, both baby! I find the walks and build them myself. I probably put some barb wire on top of them too. I am not smart and love a pity party. This needs to change now!


Catepillar on 07/13/2009:
Thank you for the welcome. I am finding that Overeaters Anonymous is a great place for compulsive overeaters like myself, food addicts (like myself) and a myriad of other food addictions, even exercise addictions, and everything else that you could imagine. Nobody gets down on you or tells you what to do. It really has helped me the last two days, I'm new to it so can't say very much else about it. I know I like it. Good luck today, we only have one day in front of us, yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here. Take care.

Donkey - Friday Jul 10, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

It has been a difficult week.  Just bad all the way around.  Stress, depression, tension, bloat, weight gain, discouragement.

I am stuck.  I have tried and tried and nothing has worked.  I don't know what else to try. 

I am tired.  I am hungry.  I am sad.

Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 07/10/2009:
whats been going on for you? get out of your own head somehow...maybe go buy some flowers and bring them as a surprise to a friend! i love you- hope you are better soon

nenak on 07/12/2009:
seems like a fairly big hole youve dug yourself! try being with others or doing something nice and different, concentrate on other things and find the ladder to get you out of that dark place. good luck

Donkey - Sunday Jul 05, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 138.5

OK, now I know what I weigh, and to be honest, I am surprised that I don't weigh more.  I was half-way expecting to see something around 142.  Then I thought, "Gee, what if the scale says 147.5?" 

So this is ok.  And I'm wondering if I am starting another "hit" to my metabolism.  Every 5 years or so, starting around 20, 21, 22 -- a woman's metabolism slows down and everything "shifts" a bit.  I doubted the person who told me this initially, but over the years, I have come to realize that she was right.

(This bit of wisdom spoken by my very first Exercise Buddy.)

And now that I am approaching 39 this month, it seems as though this is what might be happening to my body.  130 seems **impossible** to reach at this point.

But it's not.  At least I don't think so.  I'm not giving up.  But I will say that with this "shift" in body has come a "shift" in perspective.  I'm not so hung up on the number on the scale.  I'm much more focused on athletic pursuits.  Not that I'm indifferent to the number or that I wouldn't L-O-V-E to be at a lower weight. 

It's just now I can see that it's just a number.  It won't bring me love or acceptance or self-confidence or anything like that.  It's me, as I am right now, just less.

Anyway, my point is this:  If what you're doing isn't working, be patient.  If it's still not working, then it's time to try a new approach. 

Progress as of today: 41.5 lbs lost so far, only 8.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/05/2009:
haha i will! thanks for looking that up. i also dont think i am small frame, i mean look at that a** hahahahaha! thats was just curiosity though, I plan on doing exactly what you said, get to my goal, maintain for a while, reevaluate. I am pretty sure I will be very happy when I get to 150. Now at 174 already feels so much better! A year and a half ago (and some other times in my life) I was at 200, so this is great already and now that i see my work paying off, i get calmer and feel better. btw, ill be in chicago on july 18-20. Im going to Pitchfork Music Festival! How are you Donkey? I read your entry below. I feel a lot of pain at times too and then they disappear. I was devastated for the last 3 weeks and I feel so much different now. And I don't even have a loving husband wanting to help me feel better. You offer such strong support, sane advice for all of you, you should treat yourself as you treat us. You fall, you pick yourself back up. You have a family that loves you, embrace it and the rest has to come into place. love xoxo.

grumpy on 07/05/2009:
Totally agree with your point there. BTW, if your scale says 147,5, send it to me. hahaha xoxo

biscottibody59 on 07/06/2009:
Hang in there--I hope you have a good week!

nenak on 07/06/2009:
have a great week

thinnside40 on 07/08/2009:
I like reading your "acceptance" of where your at for the moment, but knowing that reaching for a goal the right way/speed is something you can work towards.... Good Job!

CritterMom on 07/09/2009:
I agree. It's not the actual number that counts. It's how you feel and what you are able to do that you couldn't do before...and striving to improve on both.

Donkey - Saturday Jul 04, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 138.0

I have no idea what I currently weigh.  I guess I'm sticking my head in an oat bag and hiding from reality.  Most of my days are sorrowful.  You would try to hide too.

I was doing well, until most recently.  Both Thursday and Friday did not end well, foodwise.  Thursday, I let it slide, but last night I finally had to admit that I was self-medicating with food.

My husband says, "What can I do to fix this?  What can I do to help you feel better?"  But truth be told, nothing can be done.  The past can't be changed or fixed or erased. There's just too much pain.

I'm glad I have had this opportunity to say that. Thank you, Diet Diaries.

Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!

MoodyMe on 07/04/2009:
Awwww Sweet Donkey~reaching thru this screen and giving you a big hug~keep your chin up hon~God bless...

evaopala on 07/05/2009:
Ive made some terrible food choices these past few days, and I felt horrible! But it passes, I promise you. Keep your mind focused on what your really trying to achieve and why your doing it. Make sure its for you and for YOU only!! It shouldn't be because of somebody else wanting you to be a particular way. You've come so so far already! The homestretch, don't stop now.

nenak on 07/05/2009:
sending positive, happy thoughts your way x x

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/05/2009:
at least your husband is wanting to help? so sorry you feel this way, again. it had sounded to me as if you were feeling better just recently, too. if there a major even coming up that is stressing you?

don't hide. the more you hide, the worse your eating/binging will get.

Donkey - Monday Jun 29, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 138.0

My weight shot up today.  Feeling very bloated.  So hopefully this will pass.

I started running again today.  It was either that or sink deeper into depression, and I didn't like the thoughts I was starting to have.  So I went for a run.  It was good, but my lower back hurt.  It is very windy here today, which makes it hard to run, too.  I would have rather have run in the morning, but due to my 9yr old's social calendar, I had to put it off until the afternoon.

On the happy side, 7 days binge free!  And I'm in the 3rd? 4th? week of weight training, with visible improvement in my arms & chest, perhaps abs, too, if I didn't have loose skin from having had 2 huge babies a decade+ ago.

Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!

grumpy on 06/29/2009:
Thanks for the suggestions. I am actually on Match.com. but not a lot of luck there. I think I am not too much of a mainstream girl, so i find it hard to meet a mainstream guy and still be excited about it. So Match is like anywhere else, most people dont have a lot in common with me. Activities is a good idea. I will think of something. I thought of photography classes or improv classes. Should be fun. I am joining my company's gym, it's cheaper and better than other gyms and there's a bunch of girls going at lunch which can help me start going more often. I will def give it a few months to see if JC is working. I think it will. I am not too worries about the money, because honestly I end up spending less than I would normally if i was going to eat out every weekend and even lunch at the cafeteria plus the other meals. Plus I live alone so I don't have to buy food for anyone else. We;ll see, my dear.. xo

grumpy on 06/29/2009:
7 days binge free is great! Congrats. Why did you stop running? And watch out for your lower back, you don't wanna injure yourself

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/29/2009:
sooooo happy you are doing better you have no idea! i am thankful you are still on here and also thankful for your comments. lol, it's really nice to know you enjoy reading my diary. i insist that the positivity you are begun to read is not over and i am serious in my efforts to better myself in all aspects this time around. i will not settle to let days pass without being a success anymore. :) and i am so glad to read you are doing the same. i have not reinstated weight training in my regimen. probably will not till i have lost some significant weight. like, for instance, perhaps septemer. i don't really have time for it right now, i figure pushups, backwork, and abs are enough. when i finish school i'd have much more time. but it may not work till next summer if i feel i cannot balance it with studying and the cardio i enjoy in the semptember/the fall.

i know i'm babbling to you...i don't think you'll mind lol.

i don't know...congrats on your binge free days. something that helps me not binge is not always eating too little...like, i know it may NOT be feasible for me to have many 1200 cal days in a row and i don't aim that low. but, if it works out that way, great. if it doesn't, i've just been happy for it to work out to whatever "low" number i can. i am trying to be happy with my efforts and not be too judgemental or harsh with myself. that's not a life i want to live - to degrade, punish, harrass myself. it's not good. and i know you agree.

so i'm working at it, slowly but surely.

nenak on 06/30/2009:
youve come along long way! ehat is your secret to binge free days? I always struggle with binges especially at weekends after a fab week! but your weight loss is fabulous! well done!

h82bfat on 07/01/2009:
You were right. I had to just ease off the exercise for awhile (had no choice really) and I've been focussing on what I've been eating more. I actually changed an old recipe around - got rid of the spaghetti & used WW rotini & replaced the hamburger with turkey burger & everyone liked it. My husband has been a big oponent to the WW switch, but he liked this recipe so I may be on my road to making a permanent change.

I really push myself when I exercise and at my current weight, that is a problem becus this body just can't handle it. Part of it is that when I'm exercising - I'm in control, you know? Anyway - gotta work up to, got to accept I can't do it all overnight.

Hope you're having a good week!

Donkey - Saturday Jun 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.0

My current weight is approximate.  This is what I weighed on Friday morning, after not eating enough (or my usual amount) on Thursday.  So perhaps my weight is up a little.

Like biscottibody, I most recently had a reality check with my scale.  After a "lost weekend" of eating chips and salsa -- which are NOT my favorite foods at all (I'm more of an ice cream or chocolate or sweets person) -- my scale reported to me that I weighed 140.5.  And this was after a day of getting back on track.  So I am guessing that my weight reached even higher numbers after the weekend.

But a week of getting back on track has brought me back to the very edge of maintenance range.  I've readjusted my progress bar, because I think I should give myself credit for all that I have accomplished in this journey.

So let me begin this entry with an update of where this month has taken me:

1.  I won the cardio contest at the gym with 7950 minutes of cardio exercise in 60 days.  First prize was a free 6-month gym membership!

I did not lose any weight during this contest.  The carb cravings at the beginning and end were awful.  The pains that I was feeling at the beginning of the contest (foot, knee, hip, back) eventually cleared up, with the exception of my back, which is a long-standing injury and will rear its ugly head now and then regardless of exercise.

So I am happy to report that I am injury free!

2.  I recently ended therapy.  According to the therapist, I was pretty much done, but then at the last session, he said I didn't have to quit if I felt there was more to work on.  WTF?  First you tell me, done.  Then you say, maybe not?  No, no more.  After 2 weeks of crying and feeling lost, while coming to terms with "this is as good as I'm going to get", then he pulls this trick out the hat?

No, no more back and forth.  I think I need to live my life and accept my New Reality (as Elizabeth Edwards calls it in her book, "Resilience" -- which I highly recommend if you are trying to overcome a life-changing tragic event in your life).

All the therapy in the world isn't going to change things.  And no, I haven't forgiven myself for what has happened, but I don't know that I ever could.  And I have to live with that.  That is my New Reality.

Enough of that.

3.  I have not yet resumed running, due to the awful heat and humidity in the Chicago area.  However, I do plan to do so soon.   A new challenge.  And cathartic as well.  Nothing cleanses the soul more than running.

4.  I have resumed my focus on weight training now that my time at the gym is mine and not the contest's.  I can definitely feel (and see) changes in my arms.  I do not see changes in my "fat donkey" or my "tree trunk legs", but perhaps I can no longer be objective about them.  I know that running will help with their appearance, assuming I could ever see them realistically.

5. I have not made any progress on job hunting or returning to school.  I have done quite a few volunteer activities though, which has helped me somewhat, although I still feel as though I am part of the Living Dead.  Not really alive, but just going through the motions of life until my physical being catches up with my inner self.

No, I said enough of that, now.

One thing I have learned is that this is truly a journey.  And when bad things happen, it simply means that we are meant to take a different path in life at that time.  I have also learned that for myself, I don't learn so much from the successes in life, but more so with the failures.  I think it is the failures that guide my path more than anything else.

I have wanted to resume my writing here on DD on a more regular basis, but just didn't get to that point, but now I think I am ready to utlize this site more, and see where the rest of the year takes me.  Then I will re-evaluate again.  I am wondering if perhaps this year will mark the end of my weight loss and that again, I need to accept my weight for what it is.  Just as I need to do for so many other things in my life.  Accept.

Progress as of today: 45 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 06/27/2009:
I would say yes and I have been thinking about it for a long time now. It's less in the past than you think. I still have to get over him. There were lots of things that were great for me and made me happy in being with him, BUT overall it wasnt working and i just put up with it that long because of my feeling half-worthy. So yes, absolutely. I am looking fwd to feeling better about myself and finding someone else with whom it is worthy and who loves me and respects me, not in a twisted way. I have to go back to reading your entry, I need to leave now. Will comment more soon. xo

biscottibody59 on 06/27/2009:
Ya' know I could accept (at most) 150 for the rest of my life assuming I get back to that. To be honest I feel better about achieving it and keeping it this time.

You "sound" so good in this entry--thanks for the heads up on the book--I'll add it to my list! I saw/heard her interviewed and I wasn't too hep'd up to read it, but I always appreciate a well-written thoughtful book!

That old saying "time heals all wounds" is such crap on some level. Time and work and thought and distraction begins to heal some wounds--that's what my experience might say! We can be sooo very hard on ourselves and at some point we have to find a way to let up!

Have a good Saturday!

loveray on 06/28/2009:
life and health are truly a journey- nothing is ever set in stone. what a spiritual awakening! xo

nenak on 06/29/2009:
sounds good to me!!!!

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