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Donkey - Wednesday May 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.5

I thought I would just check in before the month ends.  I check in daily, but I have felt uninspired to write anything with relation to weight loss.  I guess, maybe because I haven't really lost anything.  I've struggled to stay away from the 140 mark, as a matter of fact.

But I have noticed that now that the weather has turned warmer that I am not eating as much.  It's just easier to restrict calories in the warmer weather.  I wonder if my ED is seasonal, like SAD.

I am winning the cardio contest at the gym, but I felt like I have sold my soul to the devil for 2 months.  It was very, very painful at the beginning.  My foot hurt, my knee hurt, then I started having hip problems....  But believe it or not, after 2 (or 3?) weeks of pain, I started becoming resistant to the pain.  And now I'm feeling nearly injury free.

And I can do 3 hours of cardio (at a lower intensity) and feel like I could go another hour if I wasn't hungry and stinky.

One thing that this contest made me realize is that I have been overtraining my body for nearly 2 years, if not more.  I really need to tone it down and use my heart rate as a good indication as to whether I am doing effective cardio or working too hard.  Exercise should not be punitive.

So once June gets here -- or maybe after the contest is over (june 15th), I plan to cut back on the cardio and pump up the weight training and maintain the nutrition.

I don't want another summer like I had last year.  OK, that's a lie.  I would *love* to be 116, but it's not healthy for me to be there.  So I tell myself these lies so I don't go insane....

Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 05/28/2009:
It's only a lie if you want it to be, girl. You know it's not healthy and with all this workouts, you KNOW you have to be looking healthy and great! I am glad you don't 'want to' go back there. Good to see you back here. I have been away for a while myself, but i am slowly getting back into it. I changed my ticker also to have my starting weight on what i am at now. having the starting weight at 202 and the 30 lbs lost yellow bar was kind of a lie to me, or permitted me to settle. I haven't really lost weight in a year (los a few pounds here, gained there), so it's time. xoxo

omahagrl on 05/28/2009:
You do what makes Donkey happy but keeps her healthy!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 05/29/2009:
i really liked this entry. thanks for coming by and posting one for us to read. :) you are focussed and clear headed. keep up the great work!...

thinnside40 on 06/02/2009:
Here is to a HEALTHY & wonderful June!........

Your ED is "eating disorder" I know... But, at first all I could think about was Viagra commercials..

Happy days!!!!!

CritterMom on 06/15/2009:
Just make sure you're getting enough protein to support your lean muscle mass. No, exercise should NOT be punitive. It should be in moderation. Try getting out of the gym and just enjoy a walk in the fresh air. Look at the things around you and find the beauty in them. RELAX a little, would ya? :)

grumpy on 06/23/2009:
I agree and thanks for the advice. I am okay and pretty sane about knowing I wont lose real weight in 4 days! haha. And I do understand also that it may take the body longer, etc. It just bothered me since this is the first time this has happened to me. But that doesnt mean it cant happen just because it hasnt before. So I'll stick to it and I totally agree on renewing the motivation! Hope you're well. xo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/23/2009:
how are you doing?? i miss your more frequent entries. and i miss being able to frequently comment on everyone's diary, everyday. been too busy for that...

you MUST have built some nice muscle, with all that cardio! do you do 3 hours at once? if so, you really SHOULD have like a vitamin water sipping on and off starting 30-45 minutes into your cardio exercise. you will DEFINITLY be able to do more. even drinking water, since i don't do usually over an hour of exercise, helps me do MUCH better with cardio than without.

i want the weight to come off faster, i'm so impatient. i see skinny girls and say, "why don't i just not eat these snacks??" but then i know it'll lead to a binge. so i'm trying to eat the snacks and eat sorta balanced, but more carbs, bc that is what helps with exercise and energy etc.

biscottibody59 on 06/24/2009:
Hey there--keep on keepin' on--I look forward to an update!

Donkey - Tuesday May 05, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 137.0

So the numbers are starting to come down again, slowly....

Tonight the kids have a music concert at the school, and I am really dreading it.  For reasons I'm not going to go into here, I have a lot of trouble with large groups of children.  I also have a VERY hard time doing anything with the school district.

So I"m not sure if it's being around children or if it's being in the school that is bothering me.

But I started feeling kinda binge-y there.  Had my dessert (almonds) before dinner.  And then started thinking about diving into the peanut butter.

But I did not.  I had dinner instead.  And now I"m having a cup of coffee and reading Horn of Plenty's diary.  I think it's a good thing I do not have access to the ice cream.

Having said this about having problems with children and the school district, I have decided to **challenge** myself next school year by becoming a member of the PTA.  My goal is to go to the monthly meetings.  This is definitely stepping out of my comfort zone, but it's something I want to try to do.

Gotta keep challenging myself, even in these small, insignificant ways.


Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 7 lbs to go!

MoodyMe on 05/05/2009:
Even tho you are not looking forward to it~I hope you enjoy the concert~

thinnside40 on 05/05/2009:
I dread those types of things too... After I get there I'm glad I went (sometimes just a little,but have to admit it)

Here is to a much better May than April was... :-)

nenak on 05/06/2009:
i am a governer at my sons school and I had to have my arm twisted to join but once i got there it turned into a really good night! enjoy!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 05/07/2009:
listen, don't go overboard doing things you won't like...

try not to let the little kids bother you donkey...it's not worth your while.

Donkey - Friday May 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.5

Thought I'd check in for the beginning of a new month.  I see the last time I was here, I weighed around 135.  Ouch. 

April was a very difficult month.  Painful. 

I'm determined to see things from a glass-half-full point-of-view this month though.

Progress as of today: -5.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 05/01/2009:
hi. i had a strong feeling that i was going to read something like this on your entry. i am in your "sinking" (but let's turn it around right now!) boat right now. you have no idea. painful doesn't even start to describe it. i never knew that life can be so cruel at times.

i say let's try to ignore some of the stupidity out there. let's realize that nobody's perfect and feel sorry for those people that get you down and upset you.

i tried the half full deal this afternoon. i exercised at the park, got pretty wet from the rain that all of a sudden came down at mile 2.5, drove home, went to the GYM and exercised on the elliptical for 30 minutes with wet pants in the front only thankfully and keeping my sweatshrit on. i had to do it, for me. it felt good.

keep going. don't stop. for when you do, it is VERY hard to go back. we all want to succeed....and you know what, we are succeeding. even if you don't see it, you are. you definitely did all these past few months. sometimes we are at a hault, and bridge we must pass which is difficult. we cannot always continue to improve without some stones in the road. let the stones make you stronger. i am speaking positively to help you realize there is a rainbow beyond this storm. trust me, i'm there with you all the way. the students i'm in class with this year and unlike anyone i've ever went to school with in the past. and i guess the goal is just to get though it. deal with the punches. life is not always what we expect. it is tough. :(

nenak on 05/02/2009:
you done it once you can do it again!

WI_HashiHypo on 05/02/2009:
I'm sorry you had a painful month :( that sucks. Here's to a new month and a new opportunity. (((hug)))

MoodyMe on 05/04/2009:
Donkeeeeeeeeeey!!! So sorry to hear that your month was a rough one, but am very glad that you checked in with us!! Wishing you a wonderful wonderful May~huggz!

Donkey - Sunday Apr 05, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I didn't want to leave my diary on a low note, so I thought I would post today, since I am feeling much more optimistic and hopeful.  And I am grateful because I truly believed that I was headed towards a very, very deep depression (again). 

I think this shows that I've become more resillient.  I have my husband's support to thank for that, this time around.

My gym is starting up a cardio challenge after Easter, and I have signed up.  So as far as this weight loss journey is concerned, I will be focusing 90% of my efforts on cardio -- hey, first prize is a free gym membership!

This is exactly what I needed, because nothing gives me a can-do feeling more than cardio (although lately, weight training has been stepping up to the plate).  After the gym challenge is over, I plan to return to weight training.  In fact, I may pare down my cardio WAY DOWN and really pump up the weight training.

But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it!  Here's to a great weekend!

Progress as of today: -0.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 04/05/2009:
Crossing bridges before we reach them doesn't do us any good, cause they aren't there yet.... Taking 1 day & step @ a time is wisest and set aside the "what if's" of tomorrow......

Best & happy thoughts sent your direction Donkey.... I truely mean that, as I hate to see anyone suffer or have difficulties when they are trying so hard to be on top of their game....

Good Day!

loveray on 04/06/2009:
awesome! you totally turned around your attitude. you are welcome for dinner any time!! xo

WI_HashiHypo on 04/06/2009:
How nice to have a challenge that you enjoy! I hope you win!! That would be really cool =)

I had popcorn the other day, but it was dry air popped stuff, I put some spray butter on it, at least the salt stuck to it LOL.

I hope your plans are a little clearer now and you are feeling stronger. I know it goes back and forth.

I hope you had a fantastic day today.

legcramps on 04/07/2009:
Have a good week!

starfish on 04/07/2009:
HI there :-) Good luck on your challenge! I'm glad you are pulling out of depression. I have been in a similar spot lately.

MoodyMe on 04/07/2009:

I am glad that you have pulled yourself up outta your funk~I HATE funks..really, I know how you feel..and I HATE knowing Im in a funk and wanting to climb out of it..Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I succumb..I'm glad you Succeeded!!!! Yay!!!!

And good luck on the Easter challenge at the gym!! I love that idea~and I bet you will kick some major ass!!! Keep us posted!! HUGZZZ!!!!

Donkey - Saturday Apr 04, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.5

I'm just checking in for the first of the month.  My weight was actually 137.5 on April 1st, due to some bingeing and then some popcorn eating too.  (Too many carbs.)

But I'm back in maintenance range now.

I"m also checking in because I'm going through a very rough time right now.  I"ve had a change in plans and it sort of set me back quite a bit.  So ...  I'm not sure what comes next, and I think until I figure out what DOES come next or whatever, that I'm going to keep quiet.  I can't think clearly when I'm depressed like this.

Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!

Donkey - Friday Mar 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

Not sure what my current weight is.  It's probably around 135.0.  I had a large "meal" or "snack" late Thursday night that consisted of 2 cups of yogurt, 1 cup of Fiber One cereal, and some dried cranberries with about an ounce each of almonds and walnuts.  I'm guessing around 700-800 calories.  It was not an eating frenzy, nor is that really enough calories to call a binge, for me.  It was like a whole other large meal.  Afterwards, I was full but not stuffed.

Maybe I'm making excuses for myself.  I dunno.  I had someone call me out on excuses the other day, so now I'm going around thinking, "Does this sound like an excuse?  Am I making another excuse again?"  Who knows....

I had my front tooth repaired on Tuesday and tonight (Friday night), the porceline filling fell out.  So now I have to go back and have fixed again.  I hope they are open on Saturdays.  Even if I can't get in on Saturday, I would have peace of mind knowning WHEN my tooth will get fixed.  Having said that, now for sure they will be closed tomorrow.  That's just how things work for me.

I am thinking about making more adjustments to my eating and exercising.  I am thinking about cutting down more on my cardio to 30 minutes a day on the elliptical, and then running 3x a week.  And then 1 hour of the bike ONLY on the weekends, just to warm up my muscles so that I don't have sciatica for the remainder of the day.

I am thinking about not tracking calories any more, and seeing where that takes me.  I know I can pretty much not track breakfast because I have the same thing every day.  I don't know though if I can let go of the rest.  And that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have to measure, because I still would need to keep portion contol in check.  It's just that I wouldn't be keeping a running tally of my calories.

Maybe after this next week.  This coming up week will be INCREDIBLY stressful.  Just awful.  Friday afternoon, though, it will all be over and I can put it behind me.

Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/27/2009:
Sounds like you're going through a lot, too. I hope things get better for you. Thank you for your comment to my entry. Hoping this coming up week will prove to be much less stressful than you feel it will be. Take good care of yourself.

WI_HashiHypo on 03/28/2009:
Sorry to hear about the tooth. I had the same thing happen to 3 of my back teeth after being on a high protein diet, took all the calcium out of my teeth, broke them chewing gum of all things. Hope you are taking some time off from everything to relax. That sciatica is awful stuff!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/28/2009:
not tracking calories may be good for you. just plan to do one thing/one change at a time like one step at a time. :)

Donkey - Monday Mar 23, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

I chipped my front tooth today on a fork.  I didn't even really realize it until I felt something hard in my salad that didn't belong there.

This is the second time I have lost part of a tooth while eating.  I am beginning to wonder if my dental enamel has been severely compromised by my past dieting and malnutrition.

For anyone who thinks that sacrificing adequate nutrition - including calcium - for thinness is OK to do, learn from me and my mistakes.

Now I have to go to the dentist; I don't have the money to do that right now.  This stinks.

Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/24/2009:
so sorry about the tooth. it rings a wakeup bell in my head. i wish the bell would ring louder! :)

you know how some people envy really thin people for being able to eat a lot of whatever they wan't?? It could just be bc they don't deprive themselves. you know, they eat a healthy 2000 cal and they burn it up. bc 2,000 is good for most active people. who knows, maybe they can even eat more. (i'm referring to women not men.).So who knows, maybe eating on the high end isn't such a bad thing...as long as I'm active. that's why i'm worrying less about the calorie end of it. being in shape, like you say, is 100% more important at this moment.

legcramps on 03/24/2009:
Oh my goodness! Sorry to hear about your dental mishap, and hope it can be fixed as soon as possible. Try to have a good week regardless!

Donkey - Saturday Mar 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

I'm not sure what my current weight is.  I haven't weighed in 2 days because the last day I weighed in, Thursday, my weight had dropped to 130.5, and if I start seeing numbers in the 120s, I start getting a little wonky with obsessive-compulsive ways.

I think it's moot because yesterday I was very tired and feeling very sad.  So I had problems stopping myself from picking at food, mostly nuts and that dish of brownies in the kitchen.  I decided to allow myself increased calories yesterday (2500) in order to refuel from a busy and stressful week.  And I was able to stay in control that way. 

(If that number seems high, understand that I usually eat around 2100 calories a day.)

I'm not going to talk about what I accomplished this week or what I failed to have the guts to do (I chickened out on some phone calls I had to make this week).  I'm going to use this weekend to relax mentally and kind of just reload, psychologically, spiritually and physically.

Progress as of today: 3.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/21/2009:
I will be praying for you. As for the dish of brownies in the kitchen....sounds like you did real well.

I have a friend who loves to fix brownies when she has company over and when I go to her home, I usually have at least one or two of the brownies, they are soooo good!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/21/2009:
2100 calories is probably great for you with all the exercise you do. i wish i was a man and could eat 3,000 cal a day if i were really fit! ooooh. how good would that be! lol. i hope in this coming week you will accomplish some of the things you've been wanting to do.

as for me, to clarify: no matter what i WILL BE in school 5 days a week during the summer. however, it is ONLY supposed to be clinical which means showing up to the hospital and getting better and taking Xrays and, believe me, there are like 70 different procedures we need to learn. so it's great experience for two months to only worry about that. HOWEVER, the teachers are thinking of only doing it for one month (which includes our one week vacation time which means even less experience!!!) and then the next month starting up with school instead of waiting till september. if we start up school early, i'll be having tests again which means that my time outside of schoool will be more limited for exercise and i will have to spend it differently in order to study. it means that i will also have less experience taking Xrays, which is exactly what i'm going to school for. the teachers say we'd get out at least a month early if we start going to school earlier but i'm not a fan. i'd rather have both summer months now without tests. in september we'd have school 2 days a week and clinical experiences on the other 3 days. i'd rather stick with that come september and not have to think about any tests till then!

lol, i hope that clarifies. so....i'll be busy no matter what in the summer. it's just a question of what i'll be doing OUTSIDE of school. if we have tests, it won't be a very enjoyable summer at all!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/21/2009:
and yes, you are right. whenever there is uncertainty i tend to binge in order to comfort myself or in order to take myself out of reality. to zone out from it all. it's a completely obsurd way of dealing with it. hopefully, if we stick to how our school program is SUPPOSED to have went, we'd have class 2 days a week next year so that means less tests/less studying. the teachers may want to change things, keep classes 3 days a week. once again, i'm not a fan. the less stress the better! ugh. a lot of my program is up in the air right now. much uncertainty indeed.

grumpy on 03/23/2009:
HOP, do you wish you were Michael Phelps to eat 8k calories a day? Hehe.

Donkey, good for you to increase your calories that day you felt the need to and I am glad you eat 2100 a day because you are very very active.

Hang in there, youre doing great. xo

Donkey - Wednesday Mar 18, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

I can see that I am definitely maintaining now.  My weight training is going very well.  I'm starting to see some very visible results. 

I've started running outside again, 2-3 times a week.  (This week will be the first time I've run for 3x if the weather holds out.) 

I'm making amazing progress in my therapy, and I haven't even begun any of the actual theraputic exercises (e.g. relaxation techniques, visualization, tapping, hypnosis). 

Progress as of today: 3.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/18/2009:
Good on the running!!!

thinnside40 on 03/19/2009:
Happy for you in acheiving goals you have wanted to accomplish for a time.....

Happy Thursday wishes!

Donkey - Saturday Mar 14, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

I can only hope that my 2lb gain is due to either PMS/TOM or perhaps from too many carbs (or not enough water) from yesterday.  Ugh....  I really need to put away my scale.


Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

grumpy on 03/14/2009:
Hey girl, all is good and you? When I say good, i mean average. hahaha. Dont worry about the two pounds you've been on this journey long enough to know when the two pounds is because you went off track or just a normal variation from a day to another. relax, do your best and weight in or not, but when you do, that those things into consideration. I miss you girls, but even when not as active I am still around. I am getting back into DD and my exercising too, which is good news. xoxoxox

thinnside40 on 03/14/2009:
Set "A" day each week to weigh maybe..... Make it 1 week and the next will come easier to wait.... or start off with baby steps and go ecery 3rd day or something like that..... YOU CAN!!!!!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/14/2009:
yeah, i think my weight is around 135 now. the reason i don't know an exact weight is because i've been eating so much "bulk" lately so i'm constantly bloated/full when i weigh. even in the morning from the night before. so i *hope* that 135 is right and it's not more. the scale said around 138...but like i said, my stomach was pretty extended so...i hope it's 135. lol. after 135, i'd be considered overweight for my height! how scary is that!?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/14/2009:
thanks for the advice you gave me the other day concerning school and dealing with certain types of personalities. i know i will have to try MUCH harder to not let people get to me so easily. :)

Maria7 on 03/14/2009:
Lots of carbs will do it, that's for sure!!! Even low-cal ones!!!

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