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Donkey - Friday Feb 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I have no idea what I weigh today....

Today was another anxiety-filled day.  I have been eating more than usual but no bingeing.  For example, my breakfast was my usual oatmeal and coffee, but then I also had a yogurt and a cup of fruit.

Now I am hungry/binge-y but I had a cup of fruit and a chunk of broccoli to hold me until dinner.  So it's been good, healthy food.  Just too much of it.

I was wondering this afternoon "Why am I so hungry?"  I think it's because I lifted (weight trained) heavy today.  I upped my weights on just about every exercise.  And even though that doesn't burn a lot of calories, I think it must do something to my appetite.  I'm going to be OK though.  It'll just be one of those Hungry Days that I have from time to time.

I don't know if I mentioned this here or not, but I did find a new therapist.  I start with him in a week and a half.  And this time I will talk about my eating issues, in addition to my post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety, because I want to deal with all of this.  No sense in treating one thing, if the other things aren't getting addressed.

A special note to borntocry:  I miss you!  I'm so glad you dropped by.  I hope you are doing ok with the new job (which is old by now) and your husband and your family.  Take care and know that I think of you often!

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

YepItsMe~ on 02/13/2009:
Good luck with your new therapist, I think you're right about addressing all your issues~no sense in leaving something out that is causing strife in your life~

Wishing you a great night!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/13/2009:
it's good to start with a new therapist. perhaps also another issue with the old one is that you got used to each other. or, she/he simply had no other advice to give you/ran out of helpful advice.

...one day i'll have to try this whole therapy thing out!

thinnside40 on 02/13/2009:
Happy Happy Happy Dance.... I am so glad you found someone new to try.... Plus going to talk about ALL issues you deal with.... I bet you will understand yourself and how to deal with all issues in the right way this time... I just feel it for you......

Good Evenin!

Donkey - Wednesday Feb 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.5

I had the best binge yesterday.  I knew it was coming.  I had better (but not perfect) food prepared for it.  It went so well, I was almost happy about it, except that it was indeed a binge.

(((If reading about foods binged on is a TRIGGER for you, stop reading now and just know that Donkey is OK.)))

I had an appointment in the afternoon that I was dreading.  After lunch is when the binge started.  I had made some crustless pumpkin pie sh** that isn't so damaging if made with Splenda, but when I make it with Splenda, it has a funny aftertaste --- which I now believe is actually due to the quality of the pumpkin pie spice I'm using and NOT the Splenda.

So I had made it with sugar, which of course adds the calories on like you wouldn't believe.  So I finished the pie, which was like 6 pieces.  Then I had a cup of chocolate chips.  I had a block of mozzarella cheese too, which was probably around 4-6 oz.

I ate this in the course of an hour (or less).

Afterwards, I was full, but not sick.  I didn't even have a sugar buzz.  I was not physically uncomfortable either.  I went to the appointment and came home and had a light supper (salad, and then pudding later on for dessert).

When I got dressed for bed, I was looking at my body and I was actually PLEASED.  I didn't feel or look bloated at all.  I felt that I looked muscular.  Weight trainers load up on carbs right before a competition to fill out the body to make the muscle definition show better.  I wonder if that's what happened here.

I had problems sleeping but not due to the binge.  I weighed in this morning and lost weight from the morning before.

So what I learned from this is:

1.  I need to eat a larger lunch and make my dinners lighter.

2.  If I anticipate a binge, it would be wise to have something "prepared" that has some nutritional value and or compensation for calories (i.e. a lower calorie alternative).

It was a very strange day indeed. 

Progress as of today: 8.5 lbs lost so far, only 5.5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/11/2009:
I like how you put it "perfect binge"..... You are learning your system & working with it, instead of going against the desires/wants of your body..... Preparation sometime (99% of the time) is the best thing we can do... Tossing out all the bad choices and stocking up on only healthy ones is something I would love to do, but having a family (woth a 15 yr & 9 yr old, plus 5,3 & 1 year old) makes it hard to NOT have any chips, bars, etc around.... I can remember living on my own though and driving to the store when I WANTED something so badly..... Discipline is a word I dont' use enough in my journey... I'm trying to change that.. Used to be much better about it, but I think once I got used to the fact that it was "acceptable" and "tolerated" by other people of me to "fail".. It weakened me a bit... I can't use that excuse anymore, it is ruining my plan... I need to be self-accountable (AGAIN)

Have a terrific Wednesday & Thanks for being here!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/11/2009:
lol. i usually don't get big sugar rushes after binges anymore either...which is probably NOT a good thing!

i agree...that when a person is in the mood to eat GOOD food...bingy food...to plan it out somewhat.

i hope that you are good today! :)

panda22 on 02/11/2009:
Hey Donkey, I too have the problem with binging once in awhile and I think your approach to it was very cool and especially your reaction to your body afterwards as one of happiness and not disgust. I'm proud of you! Planning smart choices for it instead of reaching for junk is awesome and it's good that you realize that while binging is not a good thing in itself, if it does happen it doesn't have to be a overly BAD thing either as long as you see it coming, cope with it, and learn ways to avoid it later on...which is exactly what you did! KUDOS!!! Have a great night!

borntocry on 02/12/2009:
I always think that if you don't feel sick or even uncomfortable after a binge, it's because you really needed that food. I used to binge frequently back when I was starving myself all the time (no surprise why) and it's surprising to me now, looking back at my old entries, to see that even though I was always wracked with guilt afterwards, it rarely put a dent in my progress. I think you need, perhaps not a "binge" but a larger-than-normal amount of food from time to time to keep your body from going into starvation mode and even boost your metabolism a little.

It's better than eating huge amounts every single day, which is what I've been doing for the past year or so...

Jen40 on 02/12/2009:
Just wanted to say Hi and that I'm thinking of you.

skinnyfatgirl on 02/13/2009:
nope.. when she is in heat.. she humps anything thats near me and she wines while she does it..

I hate it..

the Cubs logo would be great!.. a picture of his dog is just too much

Donkey - Monday Feb 09, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.0

My weight is UP!!!!  135.0!!!!  This is just driving me nuts.  I'm tired of being in the 130s.  I'm tired of having a big butt.  I'm tired of having thick thighs.  I hate this.

But on the happy side, I felt well enough to do the elliptical today.  I tried both the Precor and the Life Fitness (with the moving handlebars), and in spite of loving the LF model better -- it's just more fun -- I will be doing the Precor, because of the position of my foot on the pedal.  My foot does not lift nor flex on the Precor (it's more straight across), whereas, on the other ellipticals, I lift my heels up, which flexes my arch, which is where my foot is sore. 

I think I'm going to change up my cardio routine.  I actually appreciate riding the recumbent bike now.  So I think I will do 30 min on the bike and 30 on the elliptical.  A nice mix and keeps me limited to an hour of cardio.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/09/2009:
Tiredness/BLAH ~ I think it is the let-down after all the "stuff" I've been going through the last 2 weeks, TOM showed up, hip pain that I took 1/2 Vicodin for last night & getting woke up this morning by kids arriving EARLY without prior notice (grrrrr).... Plus not being the greatest @ keeping on track, getting in 14 miles of walking within the last 2 days.... Etc.....

So, I have been outside raking leaves, weeds, cutting back peonies & roses, sweeping the front porch trying to get in the "right" frame of mind & NOT back to "who cares?"..... I have 10 months to reach this goal and by grab I'm going to keep telling myself yes/no at the RIGHT times.....

Good day..... I'll trade ya butt & thighs :O)

loveray on 02/09/2009:
sounds like a great plan! i know it sounds counter-intuitive, but try thinking positive thoughts about your butt and thighs and see how this might change your relationship with your body and your mind. xoxo

haha_love2laugh on 02/09/2009:
i think yuor exercise plan seems reasonable and fun. i dont know what it is, but unless i'm actually running to go somewhere i cant run. hhmm

starfish on 02/09/2009:
*hugs* for you. Great job with the exercise :-)

panda22 on 02/10/2009:
Changing up the exercise makes it less monotonous...at least I think so! =) Yeah the roller-coaster is a bummer but hang in there and don't give up! If you are able to keep making good choices with food/exercise it won't matter what that darn number says because you can stop and think "Hey my weight may have gone up a pound, but it's probably muscle or water"...as opposed to.... "Mannnnn there's that quarter pounder with cheese from last night!" lol Hang in there Donkey! Have a great Tuesday! PS - Weren't there plots of blowing up the scale or making it disappear until next week...See memo below! lol =P **hugs**

legcramps on 02/10/2009:
Big butt, thick thighs. All my problems, too... yikes, I hope we can BOTH get through it!

Donkey - Sunday Feb 08, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.0

Memo to Donkey:






Thanks, thinnside40, for suggesting I get Husband to put away the scale.  I had forgotten about Maria having to go weigh herself at the supermarket.  Ha ha, that brought a huge smile to my face.  I could totally see myself doing something like that. :-)


Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

haha_love2laugh on 02/08/2009:
your so close to your goal!!! 4 pounds to go!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/08/2009:
hey...it's the usual. mostly lonliness i think.

i am glad to see you on here. :)

panda22 on 02/09/2009:
Donkey you are truly the bringer of smiles today =) I agree completely with your statement and will second it! LOL @ weighing oneself at the supermarket! I can just imagine a manager passing by casually and being stopped short at that sight! lol Good times good times ((and much love to Maria btw))! lol Thanks for that! Disregard the "MON" and have a great day! =D

loveray on 02/09/2009:
thanks for the sweet comment and for making me laugh! i hope you had a great weekend. xoxo

Donkey - Saturday Feb 07, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

Here we go again...  Up, down, up, down.  I shouldn't weigh myself every day.  I don't know why this started up again.

This isn't a REAL loss.  Just one of those odd fluctuations, I'm sure of it.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/07/2009:
Maybe have your hubby HIDE the scale except for every 3rd day or something ????? Remember when Maria's hubby took her scales from her completely and she would go to the grocery store to weigh ??????..... I know moderation is a hard thing to accomplish and easier said than done...Today probably not the greates of all for me to talk of "moderation", but you can do it.... I KNOW YoU CAN!!!!!!!!! Don't hit the panic button(s)......

Have a good evening.....

starfish on 02/07/2009:
Hi there :-) Thanks for the comment. Have a nice evening.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/07/2009:

Donkey - Thursday Feb 05, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.0

OK, well, at least I was at 134.0 again this morning.  But why am I weighing myself every morning??  No weigh-in tomorrow.

Maybe it's the change in the exercise routine that has me paranoid.  Must learn to *breathe deep* and *let go*...  No weigh-in tomorrow.

I had not planned on writing tonight but I am feeling depressed.  I am going to start seeing a new therapist.  The old therapist and I had a conflict of morals.  I was going to see him again, but Husband said, "No way, he's a JERK!" and put his foot down.  And I don't object, because I know he's right and he's only looking out for me, even though it saddens me that I failed myself with yet another therapist.  Am I really that unrepairable?

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/05/2009:
NO YOU ARE NOT unrepairable!...... Nor do I believe your unattractive with long hair...... I have tried to wear longer hair, but had a barber for a dad.... I was often called a "boy" when I was growing up with the bocked hair cuts.... and being obese at that time in my life as well.... I LOVE shorter, spiky do's, but not til I get to goal or even lower will I attempt something so risky..... I will tell you a lil' secret or 2 too..... I LOVE the look of a tiny nose stud (wouldn't mind having one, but my family would "Freak out"..Hubby wouldn't as I have asked & he said as long as it wasn't gawdy looking...) and I also wouldn't mind getting a "hidden tatoo" to commemerate my 82#'s being gone to remind me of all the hard work it will have taken to reach that goal...Probably neither will ever happen as far as piercing or tatooing.... Just a couple fantasies...

Hang in there with the therapist situation(s).... Sometimes I think those type of things area bout like buying a "sued car"... Have to go through some lemons to reach a dependable...... Feel your self-worth my firend, cause you are worth the effort you put into bettering your physical & mental health, but within reason of course (hint hint)...

Not to sound corny or anything Donk, but everyone (or most I should say) here @ DD has a piece of my heart and I say "I love you" just as you are.... I'm far from perfect and have a long ways to go, but I think it is important for us to spread what love or positive vibes each other's way in each of our struggles, no matter what that may be.....

Have a good evening and I'm thankful for you hubby stepping foot down to protect you!

thinnside40 on 02/05/2009:
Geeze.. A USED car... I can't read beyond a certain point in the comment field when I'm typing....

mama_nurse on 02/05/2009:
Gosh...I'm sorry you're having a tough time...hope you have a great night:)) and good job for posting and sticking to your routine!!!

loveray on 02/06/2009:
im feeling really down this week too...maybe its something about winter! i am actually seeking a new therapist as well. at least you are willing to take a look at your "stuff" and possibly receive help. happy friday- take a deep breath and smile. xoxo

Donkey - Wednesday Feb 04, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.0

OK, bear with me.  Donkey is having a VERY BAD DAY.

First -- WTF with the weight?  Up, down, up, down, up, down.  I'm so sick of it.  Just read 120 and be done with it.

Second -- I went to the doctor.  I told both the nurse and the doctor that I was a compulsive exerciser.  They didn't seem too concerned about that.  So I guess it must be OK.

I injured the bottom of my foot which has compromised my gait, which in turn injured my knee.  The good news is that the doctor could feel no structural damage to the knee.  No misalignment either.  The BAD news is that I can't use the elliptical for at least a week.  Maybe longer.  I can use the bike, which not only puts my butt to sleep but doesn't do anything for me.  He said it would help me from "losing your edge".  So at least he empathizes.

I'm to wear running shoes at all times, from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.  No barefoot, no flats, no slippers, no heals.  He gave me some honkin' horse pills that don't DO anything.  If I feel better after my prescription is out, then I'm set.  If I don't, then we're talking either cortizone shots in the foot (OUCH!) or a referral to the orthopedic doctor.

Needless to say, Donkey is very displeased with ALL OF THIS.  If you're going to give me a pain pill, make sure it DOES something.  I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to exercise.  I'm p*ssed but I'll get over it.  

I just wanted to get this off my chest before I try to stuff it down with food.

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 02/04/2009:
What may I ask did he give you for the "pain pill"?... Cortizone...NO WAY for me..Did that once & I'll NEVER do it again.... The pain still radiates from the injection sight at times, even after 8 months..The tendonitous is better... But I don't like trading pain for pain personally.... Sorry this has you in a fowel mood.... I can understand it.... I'm also glad that you came to DD, instead of turning to food...NOW, step away from the cupboard/fridge/freezer/whatever... LOL!

Thanks for stopping by & for the "cheer"... Appreciated very much!

mama_nurse on 02/04/2009:
Sorry to hear about your day.....hope you have a good evening

omahagrl on 02/04/2009:
Better days are ahead. I also think it is funny that i can help predict your weather. Have a good night

biscottibody59 on 02/05/2009:
Wishing you all the best while you're on the mend!

As always, make sure your running shoes are fresh--pain somewhere is usually my first clue that I need new ones.

Donkey - Monday Feb 02, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 138.0

Well, since I'm logged on, I thought I'd report a weigh-in.  I don't know why I weighed in this morning.  The weight is heading on down slowly, once again.

I hate this.  It goes slowly down, I binge, it goes way up.  Repeat.

No --- wait!  Don't repeat!

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon to see if my compulsive overexercising has caused any long-term damage or if the doctor can help me with my knee foot hip back whatever problem. 

Progress as of today: 6 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!

WI3 on 02/03/2009:
Congratulations on the lost pound! I know how hard it is to lose it and how good it feels when it isn't on the scale. Thank you for your message in my journal. It is always cool to hear from you at any time, and especially when the chips are down in my life. You know exactly what I mean about the anger..and not having to explain that to someone is a relief lol. I was really angry last night, I was making text messages to people but not sending them. New way of writing letters and not sending them I guess lol. And you are right...falling off the wagon would only lead to more depression and poor choices. I've had enough of that game! I wish you the best at the doctor today!!!

Donkey - Sunday Feb 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 139.0

I ended the month as I started the month, with binge-eating.  I'm not proud of this, but I'm committed to keeping it real.  No denial.  Just what it is.

In spite of the misleading number on the scale this morning and the bad 1st and 31st, it was not a bad month.  Oh, it was painful enough, but I made a lot of progress on the inside:  realizations, subconscious motivations, etc.

I'm looking forward to this month.  4 weeks even, starts on a Sunday, ends on a Saturday.  Lent begins.  Maybe some of the snow will start melting away.

My biggest regret is that I doubt I will be able to resume outdoor running, due to my knee and foot problems.  I see a doctor THIS WEEK for sure.

Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 9 lbs to go!

mama_nurse on 02/01/2009:
Have a great Sunday! :)

grumpy on 02/01/2009:
Be gentle to your knee and foot! And I am with you, no denial and looking at the big picture!

starfish on 02/01/2009:
Hi Donkey :-) Here's to a great February!

thinnside40 on 02/01/2009:
Just 28 days in this month..... Exactly 4 weeks... I don't like the shortness, but that means that much closer to SPRING... YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Evening!

loveray on 02/01/2009:
february is the beginning of a new hope- a spring hope...take care of those body parts and rest! xoxo

Donkey - Saturday Jan 31, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 134.0

Well, well, look at me.  Have I ended the month pretty much where I started, weight-wise?  If so, WOW.

I can't believe I didn't weigh myself this morning to do so.  Actually, I'm planning on doing so tomorrow (weighing in) and doing measurements too, I guess.  ???  I hate measuring.  My butt sags so much that my hip measurement is not truly indicative of how big my rear end is.  Plus, it's so self-defeating to see my chest measurement decreasing and my hip and waist measurement stagnating.  Oh well, at least they aren't increasing....

I'm having some serious problems with my knee and foot, connected with my hip and back (disc) problems.  I plan on seeing a doctor this week.  This is what overexercising has done for me.  I'm hoping it's something  that can be healed quickly, but I already know what will be prescribed:  NO EXERCISE.

And THEN what will I do???

Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 4 lbs to go!

WI3 on 01/31/2009:
I've not taken my measurements yet either. I am not going to LOL. I know what size i am in now and not interested to know how that translates into 'big' lol

I wonder if your symptoms are similar to this: http://www.aafp.org/afp/20050415/1545.html

It is fantastic that 99% of your body is muscle, and the definition will come with proper training. Don't kill yourself trying to get to the end, otherwise you will create a new end. Wish I could be there in person to support you. As I cannot, I'll just wish you all the best from where I sit! Stay strong, Donkey!

thinnside40 on 01/31/2009:
You'll sit and worry about how your going to make it without exercising I guess.... Naw, really.... Just keep in mind what got yout othe place of "pain" and lear nself-control in the knowing when to wuit exercising... It is one of those things where we eat too much, exercise too much, worry too much or we don't do them at all.... Never once giving thought to to reasonable (healthy) amounts are... I am a feast or faminer personally... It is hard to learn "comfortable"... Why?!?!?!? don't know! Workin' on it!

Thank you for your kind words in comment.... I honestly DO NOT know where my weight would be, over this last year but up up up up up had I not came to DD when I did... I can't leave that behind.. It has been the greates thing for me in the last 30+ years of up/down/up/down/up/down...Not moving "down" none too quick as of late, but workin' on that to :O)

Have a great Sunday!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/31/2009:
thanks for your words of wisdom today. i perhaps should have taken those words more seriously....arg. self defeat has been the name of my game all week. i can't believe i'm fighting myself.

as for you, why not just exercise less?? rather, if you feel pain, STOP. meaning, if you are on the treadmill and you start to feel some pain, lay off or stop so it doesn't get worse. i know it must be easier said than done but exercise should not hurt.

mama_nurse on 01/31/2009:
Thanks~ My menus are kind of "different" sometimes but I'm glad you enjoy reading them! :) I like reading people's menus too ~ gives me some ideas/tips or what have you! Hope you had a great day ~ it's late here so I'm going to bed soon.....til tomorrow :) PS I agree with HOP above, exercise should not hurt :(

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