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Donkey - Friday Oct 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.5

New month... My weight has pretty much stabilized around 121, give or take. Here we go into another weekend, so I thought I'd check in. You may or may not recall but weekends are very difficult for me. And Husband is working 12 hour shifts today (Friday - "date night") and Saturday.

I was going to say more, but I'm having problems being coherent. Need more coffee, I'm afraid!!! Donkey runs on auto-pilot in the mornings, I'm afraid! :-)

Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/03/2008:
Have a great weekend! I need coffee too...

Moody2 on 10/03/2008:
Hi! Sipping coffee right now! Want some? LOL

Wishing you a great day!

greengirl on 10/03/2008:
I'm sending my best wishes for the weekend for you, and make sure you keep out of the sugar. It is BAD !! I wish I could take my own advice :) Seriously, i will be thinking about you, Donkey and hoping you can stay strong !

WI3 on 10/04/2008:
OMG Donkey, I have to say that I HATE these stupid long shifts that Brian works. The nights AND the fact that they ALWAYS turn into 12 hour days. If I see him four times a month now, I'm lucky. I had thought about moving in together with him but we wouldn't see each other any more than we do now. I'd just have his stuff around LOL. Add to it the fact that we can't even TALK for longer than a few minutes at a time...geeze I don't even know him anymore.

Thanks for the comment on my diary. I am such an emotional person that I HAD to get myself back on track using simple science and mathmatics. It is the only way I can really keep focus. One day, I will be at my goal weight and then join you in the struggle to maintain.

What are you up to this weekend to make yourself feel good? I'm going to probably clean out my refrigerator..yeah I'm weird, stuff like that makes me feel good LOL

starfish on 10/04/2008:
great job keeping yourself at goal!

Donkey - Monday Sep 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Well, it looks like I'm ending the month the same way I started the month, but I am hoping that I have the sugar bingeing under control.

Ironically enough, when I focus my anxieties on food, I don't worry so much about what's happening to me in Real Life.

I'm just forever grateful that I survived the weekend without eating my weight in sugar. I hate that. I'm hoping this means I have a good pattern (habit) started here...

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

WI3 on 09/29/2008:
Congratulations on the good weekend. I know that takes a lot to survive a weekend like that! Have a good day =)

Bleste on 09/29/2008:
yes, I have been told to do this by my Dr. :)

Thank you ever so much.


greengirl on 09/29/2008:
Well done on the good weekend, and good luck for the coming week. I'm also sending you a hug and my best wishes from the UK **HUG**

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/29/2008:
i know you do! :)

loveray on 09/29/2008:
im glad that your sugar binges seem to be subsiding. mine are less severe, but still having major cereal cravings at some times. i know we will make it through!!

Donkey - Friday Sep 26, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 123.0

Yesterday, my therapist asked me if I had gained weight.

I had just come down from 126 to 123, after my latest binge.

I didn't think 3.5lb would show, but apparently I was wrong.

So now this is all I can think about, is that I must look fat, because why else would he say anything about it?

But I will ask for clarification at my next appointment, next Friday.

I feel sick. And sad. And tired.

Progress as of today: 21 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/26/2008:
maybe she didn't notice and was just asking to see how you are doing??? you lost weight...isn't 126 to 123 a loss?? yes, i do think you should talk to her. but listen, don't rely on other people's opinions about your body affect your own happiness. what is up with that? is there something you are upset about besides this?

WI3 on 09/26/2008:
I think your therapist may have meant that as a good thing. You may have been looking a little wan due to all you are going through..and you did drop a lot of weight. I really don't think he would say something like that in a negative way.

I hope you don't feel sad for too long..but seriously I know how you feel about someone saying something and then picking it apart until you feel broken..because it just HAD to mean something bad..for some reason I always feel like someone is saying the negative stuff..but mostly it is because I want to believe the worst about myself ...that is such a hard thing to break. UGH!

Don't beat yourself up. It is self-sabatoge.

biscottibody59 on 09/27/2008:
Unless you're going to therapy for an eating disorder and the goal is to gain weight--is it any of his f-----g business? My first thought would be to call him a big ol' dumba** or stick to the subject of the therapy--if not. Men/women/discussing HER weight--not usually a good mix anyway. Having said that, my good neighbor always remarks on my looks--weight up or down. Half the time he's wrong--I've gained, when he thinks I've lost. I play along because to be honest, what he thinks isn't going to affect me all that much, but it's good natured, I know where he's coming from and I actually appreciate that he notices. Not to mention that he's REALLY a GOOD neighbor, and I try to reciprocate.

It's the overall picture you should focus on. If you respect this man as a therapist, it should be all good or at least mostly good:-) Hope the therapy is moving you forward!

greengirl on 09/27/2008:
I'm sorry he said that to you, but if your therapist is a man, I'm surprised he noticed anything at all. My husband seems to have failed to notice that I've gained 35. Either that or he's just too scared to mention it , in case I break his legs or something. I think I'd give the therapist the benefit of the doubt though and think, like WI does, that he meant it as a good thing. If he is helping you in other ways you should persevere and hope that soon you are feeling less sad.

grumpy on 09/28/2008:
Come on my friend Donkey, do you think that if a person asks you if you gained weight it means you look FAT? at 123? Are you kidding me (and more importantly, yourself?) Maybe instead of having your therapist come clean about it next time, you should spend that time and energy discussing with him/her your vision about yourself. i am sure you look great, 123 or 118 or whatever. what you need to get the bottom of is your anxiety. sorry about the tough love, but i get it a lot too and even though it's not fun, it's good for me and i get it only from people who truly care. hang in there, i would kill to be at your weight. xoxo

Donkey - Thursday Sep 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

Believe it or not, my weight was as high as 125.5 this week. The anxiety I'm experiencing has been just overwhelming. I continually feel on edge and like I cannot get enough air into my lungs.

It has been difficult to read many of diaries here that have lists of foods, since, in response to my anxiety, I have felt a strong urge to binge. And I have been FIGHTING that urge with every ounce of my strength.

I'm not sure what the solution is...

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 09/18/2008:
hang in there! dont read others diaries if it is going to throw you off. i know that staring at food lists is not really helpful when in binge mode. maybe you can get out of the house, take some deep breaths and listen to your soul- there is something there you have not been paying attention to, and when you address it maybe your food and general anxieties will start to fall away. love to you!

Agent_Guber on 09/18/2008:
I am so sorry for what you are going though, I am thinking about you.

WI3 on 09/18/2008:
Does your gym have a sauna and/or a steam room? If they do, take 5 or 10 minutes for yourself in one of those. It is something that I found that when I do this at the gym..it really feels delicious. I call it my 'spa day' it really relaxes me. So does getting my eyebrows waxed LOL spending $7 to get the eyebrows waxed, even though I COULD do it at home..just somehow makes me feel really amazing.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/18/2008:
what about going to a support group for overeating or something? do you have any of that by you? if you have the time, during the day, this may help. or, look into getting a job in the area might be a good way to spend time if this is what is causing you to binge - i myself like to keep somewhat busy as it prevents me from binging. just a thought. if you don't like these suggestions, that's cool too of course. :)

donk, i hope you feel better soon. i am so sorry that you feel this way. i know what you mean about the food lists because sometimes reading diaries has done the same thing to me! i totally know what you mean.

maybe go walking in the evening a couple times a week with another mom in the area?

talk to us.

WI3 on 09/18/2008:
that is a great suggestion HOP made! I had actually considered signing up for TOPS just for the community feeling of it all..the in person thing. I just can't find one around me with times I am good with. Hang in there dear Donkey!

grumpy on 09/24/2008:
How has your therapy been? still doing that? fighting the urge to binge is great but we need to find a way to get to the root of the problem, no? hang in there, lots of kisses and good vibes to you!~ xo

Donkey - Saturday Sep 13, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.0

I fought a good fight tonight (Saturday). Actually, I started fighting binge urges (?) around 2p. Right after dinner was the hardest. I had an extra dish of frozen watermelon and then went upstairs, away from the kitchen.

This urge is anxiety-related, but with no specific trigger.

So I think... regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, that it is more important NOT to be bingeing than to see a particular number on the scale.

I am planning on staying around this number for a long time anyways....

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/14/2008:
good job donkey! :) glad you didn't give in! neither did i! keep up the good work and keep updating!

greengirl on 09/14/2008:
Good for you, girl :)

WI3 on 09/16/2008:
Fantastic that you stayed away from the binge!!! I agree with the number on the scale comment. It is so hard but it is so worth it. Hope you are having a great day!

Donkey - Friday Sep 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

OK, so we're due for another weekend....

I'm sorry I cannot go into detail about what is troubling me IRL. Maybe some day I can, but right now, I cannot. What I can say is that it has me very troubled and upset. It challenges everything I thought I was, as a person and a mother, and who other people were and are capable of doing to another person. It's hard to believe that there are "good people" out there who would stoop so low to bring someone down to nothing, just to save their own a***s.

Monday and Tuesday were particularly hard. On Monday, I believe I ate a whole half-gallon of ice cream. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Or maybe it was the peanut butter and Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread). I don't know -- I can't remember. Ha, it's bad when all of your binges start to blend in together, eh? (weak laugh & wry smile)

Anyway, so my weight was up to 124.5 on Tuesday, but it's on its way back down again. After the last binge, I made a conscious effort to change how I see some of my trigger foods. Several years back, I made the decision or realization that I could no longer have any potato chips (crisps, for my friends in the UK) in the house. If I did, I would eat them all. Sometimes I go through this with peanut butter (where I have to get it out of the house completely), and lately it's been with ice cream.

So I put all of the ice cream out in the garage freezer. (Thank GOD for that freezer.) Anyone who wants ice cream has to go out there and get it himself and serve him or herself. I don't go near it, I don't serve it, I don't smell/touch/handle/taste it. I don't dare.

And I'm hoping that I can get to the point with ice cream as I am with potato chips.

Yesterday was Thursday and I was very depressed. But I think I'm coming out of that now. Part of that depression may have been due to coming off of a sugar-high from Monday/Tuesday. It also could have been due to hormones, as PMS is about to kick in, in a few days. Or it could have been my IRL circumstances. Hard to tell... I was glad that I could tell my therapist.

It's ironic, because I'm seeing this therapist for PTSD and related anxiety, yet my "old ghosts" of eating issues and depression seem to keep popping up. I don't want to spend my time/$ working on these "old ghosts"; I want to deal with the issue at hand. Unfortunately, things aren't always so perfect......

My Husband has to work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday. Another lonely weekend....

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Agent_Guber on 09/12/2008:
I am going through that myself. I am sorry you are feeling this way too. I say I don't know why I am depressed but I do, I just don't want to open up with it all. It is devastating to think of. Anyways, I am sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/12/2008:
sorry to hear about your ongoing struggle and that it has been more difficult as of late. i totally understand how it must feel. i will also have a difficult time this weekend with all the treats around me. i may just try to stay busy. that is my plan. and tonight i'll take a break from the gym and just study.

hormones probably play a MUCH larger role than we think. i went to attempt to donate blood yesterday and i had low iron. and they measure twice...once on each hand. low iron may have affected my binge today...gonna look that up.

i believe that if anything this website helps us stay on track. i am proud of you for continuing to stay positive on the eating end of this. btw, eating issues will probably always be with us...as they sometimes remain a way of coping with more difficult issues. it is up to us to find better ways...

WI3 on 09/13/2008:
Donkey, no need to explain. It is evident that you are going through such a difficult time in your life right now..and no matter what it is, I'm over here rooting for you and understanding the feelings that come with it...if not the exact situation. I know what you mean about dealing with the old ghosts..it is exhausting to think that you had those things solved, and then they come back around. I stopped thinking I had to solve everything and just decided to focus on dealing with it instead. I think I'll carry some of my crosses for a long time, if not forever.

I do admire your dedication to yourself and your health. Both physical and mental. Your husband has a job that requires sooooooooooo much time away from home...so does Brian. Sometimes I just want to call his boss and scream at him..can't you guys survive without him working fifteen hours a day? But it wouldn't do any good anyway. There is something harder about being alone with someone, than being alone by ourselves. And once in a while I find it feels really good to throw a huge fit!

The biggest problem I am having right now is not trying to control everyone else, and I am finding that I am not as good at controlling myself as I thought. Without caring for everyone else, I have to really be alone with myself..and sometimes that is really uncomfortable. And then I turn to food. It sucks! But I am trying to break that attitude addiction. Like you, there are things that I simply cannot have in the house..chocolate is my big thing. If I buy chocolate, I will eat all of it. I sure won't throw it away!

Take care of yourself.

greengirl on 09/13/2008:
I wish there was something I could say to help. Try to keep your chin up, Donkey !

Donkey - Saturday Sep 06, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 120.0

Just checking in. I guess it's like a Reality Check. I feel so numb that I'm not sure if I'm feeling good or bad, strong or weak.

Last night, I just got to the point where I was like, "**** this" and just gave it up. Things will resolve themselves however they will. Some things are just beyond my control...

Progress as of today: 24 lbs lost so far, only -10 lbs to go!

anewhb on 09/06/2008:
Not sure what is going on with you......anything I can do for you from here?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/06/2008:
all of us are so angry lately, using lots of "**** this and **** that!" myself included.

but, what are you saying is beyond your control?? Talk to us.

Maria7 on 09/06/2008:
Congratlations on being at goal!!! Hope you feel better!

grumpy on 09/07/2008:
Hey Donkey, my mom has a big sign on her backyard deck that says "Don't worry, it may not happen". I love it, as it reminds us not to fret and worry ourselves to death over things we don't even know if will happen or not or things we have no control over. I think you're last line is a good realization. Just take care of yourself and don't ever give up. xo

Jen40 on 09/08/2008:
Hey, what's up? Personally, I rather like all the stars in posts like yours, cuz I always feel like using them and saying things like that but I'm a big fat cowardly chicken. If you feel like elaborating, know we're listening, and if you don't, we're still sending support and hugs.

WI3 on 09/08/2008:
Hey Donkey!!!! I know how you feel!! I must say this weekend of just getting into my own head and thinking about ME and nobody else..was something that was looooooooooooooooong overdue. I mean not just thinking about what was wrong in my life but what I HONESTLY want in my life and how I can do it for myself...I can't wait for someone else to do it for me, and I can't hold out and hope that the people I am closest to will give me the things I need. I either had to let them go, or realize that they love me with everything they have and if I feel unfulfilled that the problem is with me. And I found out that I have a lot of problems LOL. With the honesty and discovery there was freedom.

I really really wish you the best. I think you are a wonderful person who has always been so giving to everyone else here. Even if that one person said you were being nasty...I NEVER saw you be nasty to anyone. But you may also be codependant...something to check out. I honestly think it is something women are suffering with more than anyone because we are told we have to be the nurturers....well so freaking what...you deserve to love yourself and if you could 'see' yourself through my eyes you would think you are pretty cool like I do. Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger for a really long time like before. You were missed!

Donkey - Friday Sep 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.5

Donkey is not doing well right now. I think like WI3, I am just going to step back a bit and focus on well-being. Of course, having said that, I'll probably post all weekend long, lol. That'd be ok too...

Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

Agent_Guber on 09/05/2008:
I havent been feeling well either, emotionally.

anewhb on 09/05/2008:
AWWWW, what's wrong Donk? Hope you perk up soon!

liza36 on 09/05/2008:
Take care of yourself first and foremost! Don't be gone long. Have a good weekend.

jon'smom on 09/05/2008:
Take care of yourself. Enjoy the weekend.

Jen40 on 09/06/2008:
Hope today is a brighter day for you. It sounds like you've been getting some excellent workouts!

Donkey - Wednesday Sep 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

Still maintaining at this weight. Had a great run today -- perfect, cool weather now that the humidity has left us. Cloudy, breezy, slightly chilly.

Had a killer workout on the StepMill today too. Really felt it in my legs. I hope that my legs are not becoming too muscular though.

I have nothing positive to add to this entry, emotionally or personally speaking, so I will end it here and now. I am still determined to fight the urge to binge this month. Today will be Day 3 if I can make it through. Last night was an *incredible* battle. Very stressed out and anxious and emotional. Had an extra dish of frozen fruit instead of the half-gallon of ice cream I wanted to drown myself in...

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/03/2008:
I'm VERY proud for you! haha, a dream of mine is to have muscular legs (or, not flabby legs). I don't think legs can possibly become too muscular...unless you are a body builder or something.

i hope and want you to be right about my eating patterns getting better when i'm working towards an important goal. this is all stupidity!

omahagrl on 09/03/2008:
You can do it!!! Great exercise as I need to get my butt going. We also are having fall like weather which is awesome. Keep positive thoughts!!

grumpy on 09/04/2008:
Good deal, I also got all bingy this afternoon and had some watermelon. I still have a high cal day, but could have been much worse. xo

Donkey - Monday Sep 01, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.0

A new month, a new beginning....

I have high hopes for September. I would like to have just ONE month, please, that goes well, diet and exercise-wise.

Today I heard about someone setting their goals for Christmas. What a lovely thought - Christmas goals. Made me *hunger* for long-term goals that I would like to achieve as the seasons change.

I am looking forward to winter with optimism, instead of my usual dread (because of the lack of sunlight).

CLARIFICATION: It is not that I *prefer* winter to summer. I am a summer person all the way. Can't run outside in the winter time :-( But I am (trying to be) optimistic about the changes. I think it's time for a change, in a LOT of things.

Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!

Beth201P on 09/01/2008:
Winter was never my favorite season. I prefer warmth, plus I hate driving with me on winter roads. lol Have a good week.

grumpy on 09/01/2008:
I agree on that we need to be open and optimistic to changes. Disagree thought, that you dont ever have a good month on diet ad exercising, though, i mean, look at your averages.. you were 14 pounds heavier in March. You're doing fantastic. xo

grumpy on 09/01/2008:
hahaha, the best friend is a very sweet guy, actually, but of course i fell for the jerk. hahahaha

anewhb on 09/01/2008:
I just wrote on LaFemmeLoca's diary that I seem to be energized in Fall. Hope that holds true this year. After reading your post I think I'll try to "see" myself at thinner at the end of Sept than at the beginning. Kind of make that my focus......Have a good week.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/01/2008:
I am totally in your boat. I am optimistc about some things with winter that i am usually not so upbeat about. i'm looking foward to school and change, etc. i love summer just as you do. but, instead of resisting change, we should look to see how we can make it the best it can be. why are you so set on ONE month to go well...remember not to get to strict with yourself and your idea of what it means for something to go well. if you get to stuck on that it can stress you out. (just an idea of how i would be.)

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