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Donkey - Sunday Aug 31, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 120.5

I gained 5lb this month. But I learned a lot about myself. And I did a lot too, exercise-wise.

I am so ready to put this month behind me.

Progress as of today: 23.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/31/2008:
feel free to share with us what you have learned! it could do us all some good. i am ready to put the summer behind me! :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/31/2008:
exercise is MOST important!

Beth201P on 08/31/2008:
I can so relate. Hang in there. It will get better for us. ((Hugs))

lafemme_loca on 09/01/2008:
I love the quote from Bill Keane: "Yesterday's the past and tomorrow's the future. Today is a gift - which is why they call it the present." Today is when you can start fresh ! I hope that September is a month full of gifts and blessings for you !

Donkey - Saturday Aug 30, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.0

OK, I didn't realize that I never got around to editing Friday's entry. So here's a fresh entry for Saturday.

I survived the carnival :-) I was most apprehensive about the food part of it, but let me tell you -- the funnel cake that I bought for the kids was $7!!! What a rip-off!! I am SO glad that they agreed to split one -- AND that they did not feel like finishing it. I guess all those rides made their stomachs not so hardy. Heh heh. That's why we do the rides FIRST and THEN buy the funnel cake.

So I wrapped up what was left of the funnel cake and brought it home for Husband, who was only too happy to have it when he came home from work. Funnel cake is like pancake batter drizzled into a big old web-like mess and then deep fried and then dusted with powdered sugar, if you are unaware of such evils in the food world.

I stuck to my pre-planned snacks and meal plan. But I was very happy that I had made my Big Salad ahead of time because after 3 hours of standing watching the kids on the rides, I was so very tired. It was bad enough having to prepare leftovers for the kids for their dinner -- but quite honestly, I am very happy that they chose to eat healthy leftovers at home than corn dogs at the fair.

Today was the parade. I ran into one of my neighbors who said, "You've lost weight haven't you? Wow, you look great!" That was nice to hear because after having lost about 15lb in 3 months, I personally thought I looked like ****. So see, Donkey has been wrong about her weight loss too. Leave it to Donkey to take a good thing and get all worried about it. I truly am an Eeyore. (Wasn't Eeyore a mule? Or was he a Donkey too?)

I woke up and went to the gym early this morning for a light and short(er) workout on the elliptical. Came home, ate, cleaned up and walked to the street with the parade. Brought along a snack and a water bottle, but the parade was not as long as it was last year, so I did not even start on the water bottle. There it sits on the kitchen table waiting for me still. Ugh. Of course, I've had something like 7 cups of coffee though.

So it's definitely time to start working on the water. Because when I don't drink water and I feel anxious, well... you know what that can lead to... very dangerous eating. Let's not go there, Eeyore.

(Maybe if I change my DD name like everyone else has, I will change it to Eeyore. I do not want to be left out.)

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/30/2008:
HEHE! Eeyore...one college friend gave me that nickname once! kinda a weird guy who thought i sounded like eeyore when i spoke - so that nickname never lasted!

Planning is everything when it comes to a good diet. Planning and having healthy food around to choose from. :) So, I have been doing better with that lately. It is good to hear you are doing those things too and that you're kids are learning from a good role model! :)

Donkey - Friday Aug 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

Believe it or not, my weight was 123.0 yesterday. August has been a horrible month of ups and downs. Not just weight but also emotionally.

But I'm glad that I'm going into the weekend with a lower number. I am preparing for the weekend too. There's a big carnival and parade thing to do this weekend, and since Husband has to work all weekend long, 12+ hour shifts, I guess I'll be doing the married single-parent thing.

Will edit more... Just wanted to report my weigh-in first.

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 08/29/2008:
The carnival and parade sound fun! Wish I lived in your area, I'd go with you and the kids! Thank you for the entry on my diary. It makes me feel better to know that there is someone else out there who knows where I am coming from.

Jen40 on 08/29/2008:
My husband works a lot too, I'm lucky if he chooses to take off either Saturday OR Sunday, and I get so so tired of parenting alone and him doing his part by phone. It's a very lonely existance sometimes, at least for me it is. I'm around here most weekends, so go ahead and post an entry! I'll read it.

Maria7 on 08/29/2008:
Hang in there!

Beth201P on 08/29/2008:
You are doing great. Hope you have a good weekend. Sorry to hear that your huband will not be able to join you. Enjoy your weekend.

lafemme_loca on 08/30/2008:
Enjoy your weight being down and the fun of having a weekend. It isn't fun being a married single parent... I hope that you can enjoy the kids and the carnival.

Donkey - Monday Aug 25, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

I have decided to change things a bit about my postings:

1. I need to have some accountability for what I do over the weekends, so I will be posting my weigh-ins here on Mondays.

2. I have problems with eating on Friday nights, so I will most likely be posting here then as well, because it's better to blog than to binge.

3. I will probably post over the weekends as well. Even though it tends to be quiet here on weekends, I get lonely -- especially if my husband is working late -- and weekends can be difficult because my time is unstructured, too.

My kids start school today, so my entire workout & eating schedule is off. I've got to figure out how I'm going to fit in gym workouts and running workouts and weight training into the time that I have available. I'm up at 5:15a and the kids don't need to get up until 6:45a. That's a lot of time, but it is dark and chilly outside, so running outside isn't very appealing. Hmm... Maybe on my running days, I will go to the gym super early so that I can run after the kids have left.

I also have to figure out what I'm going to do about lunchtime, because I tend to have lunch and then keep eating, and eating, and eating. So if it means I have to go back to the gym to stop myself from over-eating, then so be it. (It's cheaper than going shopping.)

Today, since it is the first day of school, I am going to the gym after they leave and see how it goes with with just doing everything in one visit. Honestly though, unless it's to prevent a binge, I cannot $$ afford to be driving to the gym 2x a day. Yes, it's only 7 miles away, but that adds up when it comes to fuel costs.

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

selina on 08/25/2008:
Sounds like you've got a good plan, there, Donkey. Good luck and have a great day!

oldschool on 08/25/2008:
no offense but I can put anything I want in my diary.

grumpy on 08/25/2008:
good plan. i need to get my s*** together. argh. xo.

oldschool on 08/25/2008:
WHY THANK YOU DONKEY! I am glad you see things my way.

Beth201P on 08/25/2008:
Sounds like a good plan to me. You will do great. I need to sit down and do some planning of my own. Have a wonderful week.

WI3 on 08/26/2008:
You are an absolute sweetheart..thank you very much

grumpy on 08/27/2008:
time to post again. we miss you!

Donkey - Thursday Aug 21, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5


Essentially my weight is the same. It's been up a little higher, but now all the ice cream is gone in the house so that won't be an issue for me any longer (for now).

I feel much better with the numbers in the 11* rather than the 12*. So I'm going to work to keep it that way. I'm eager for the kids to go back to school so that I can have the day to do what I want to do in the gym instead of having to rush rush rush.

Tonight is the kids' school open house where we go and meet the teachers, get their school supplies settled, etc. I am absolutely DREADING this. Major anxiety attack. All those eyes, the parents, the teachers -- all those children.

So I'm vowing to hold my head up high, go in there feeling "sexy" (see previous entry) and give anyone who gives me any s*** a "Who Gives A F***" attitude right back at them.

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 08/21/2008:
Welcome back. No offense is taken by me with regard to your post yesterday. I know exactly what you mean about the obsessive tendencies I can have. That brings up a good point - I think the true success with regard to maintaining a healthy weight comes when we can do it more naturally and not obsess over it. It should not take up so much of our conscienceness and we should not base our koods on what the scales says or doesn't say. Your weight is definitely in the healthy range, Donkey - go in that school (or anywhere else for that matter) and don't give it a second thought. Think about what you would really like to accomplish on the visit with your children's teachers. Although health is important and we need to maintain our health - it is only one component to a quality life and is no more or less important than the rest of the important factprs in our lives. I hope this makes sense....God bless.

grumpy on 08/22/2008:
Hey girl, why would you think they would give you any attitude? and if they did, why would it bother you so much? focus on the people you know and care for, who love you, not mere strangers and they close minds. try to see it as an exciting event for your kids. xoxo

WI3 on 08/22/2008:
I think we all have situations that make us uncomfortable where we feel we have to enter the arena with our defenses up and ready to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean that anything will happen...the situation is just scary enough to create the paranoia that it could. Typically related to some painful event(s) when that type of situation did cause us pain. It will likely be something you (and I ) deal with our entire lives. We don't like it, but it is part of who we are...and at least when we talk about it, write about it, hear it from our own voice or in our own words, we can deal with it better. It makes us stronger to let it out than to keep it all bottled up inside. With that also comes this odd desire to hurt ourselves before anyone else can hurt us. So we say disparaging things about ourselves, and generally don't like ourselves. Because after all...if we don't like ourselves FIRST, nothing anyone else does second or third can hurt us.

The trouble is, if we don't confront that side of ourselves and start to make peace with it, we will have a much harder time functioning in life as a result and it could lead to destructive behavior(s).

I applaud you for taking the steps you've been taking to confront this. Reading your entries you say a lot, with little words. But I feel you and I know where you are coming from.

An exercise my psychiatrist had me do once when I was first confronting my childhood abuse, was to find a picture of myself as a little girl and tell myself that I forgive myself as a child for not being able to take care of myself and prevent things. It was an odd request but I was so desperate to have this monster off my back that I did it. She then told me after I did that, to find a picture of my abuser and burn it, put my girl photograph and the charred remains of the other, together in a box and bury them. She didn't tell me WHY to do that, as it was important that I find what it means to ME by doing that. And I did find the meaning and the significance I needed.

This isn't to say that a few tricks and stuff makes everything go away. Things that hurt us in our developmental years, sometimes create deep wounds that take a very long time to heal and some that seem to be healed, but are always just under the surface. And weird things trigger them. And we search for ways to control our lives where nobody can take control...and one of those biggest ways is through eating and exercise. Over or under on either or both. Working through things is what we need to do, and we need to not be afraid to let go of the time when we weren't in control and realize it was not within our power at that time. That way we don't turn inward and destroy ourselves.

Events have the power to continue to destroy us if we don't seek help and learn to let some things go and not continue the destruction in other ways. I woke up one day and realized I had given someone far too much of my life and I wanted it back. Not just bits and pieces..I wanted ME back. And when I came back, my mother said she hadn't seen the real ME in many, many years.

It also involved forgiving the person who caused the most harm. Not because he deserved to be forgiven, but I had to break the control he had over me (even in death) and the only way to cut him loose is by making peace with what happened. I also visited his grave and told him he was done and could not have anymore of my life. All those little things that seem odd to most, but to those of us who survive...are essential.

You found a way to maintain control of something in your life, your diet and exercise. And as long as it remains healthy instead of a way to protect real issues that need to be handled in other ways, I am happy for you. I often think of a verse in the Bible that my brother shared with me...I'm not overly religious but it went something like

"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Sometimes the only way to get better and heal is to reopen those wounds and walk through hell again in order to face our fears and stand up to them.

You have alluded to things that have happened in your life that have rocked you hard and left lasting, damaging memories. I am not sure what happened, and it isn't any of my business. But I though I would share my experience with you and maybe something can be taken from it that might help give you strength.

Take care, Donkey!!

Donkey - Friday Aug 15, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 121.5

(I'm not sure where to put my edits, if I should put them on top, to keep it current, or on the bottom so that you have to read through the whole entry...)

MID-DAY EDIT: I had a great workout today. I did a longer run today, which I'm really proud of, although I didn't do as well as I had hoped because I was not properly fueled from yesterday. That is to say, if I had eaten more carbs yesterday, I would have done better on my run today. Still, it was a good run.

I have come to the conclusion that even though I may not like the number on the scale, if I can be confident in myself and comfortable in my own skin, then that is what is more important to me than some dumb number. I know I'm holding onto some water weight, either from Monday's Ice Cream Encounter (ruh-roh!) or PMS or from exercising, and it's just maddening to see the numbers up higher than I would like.

I started to think about what I find attractive in other people. And one of the major things that I find very "sexy" is self-confidence. A person doesn't necessarily have to be aesthetically beautiful to be attractive or desired (meaning, people want to hang around you), i.e. "sexy".

I am thinking that if one exudes self-confidence, then people take what that person does or has to say more seriously than someone who comes across as some basketcase or nervous wreck. And I'm sorry to say, but when one is so obsessed with numbers (calories, weight, reps, miles, etc.), that cannot possibly come across as being desirable.

That's not to knock the tracking of calories here or what we do. That's more of an accountability thing, which is a helpful tool in weight loss. I'm talking about dysfunctional thinking patterns, where it's all-consuming.

OK, I think I'm treading on thin ice here, and I don't want to insult the purpose of this website, so I will end this here. What I have said is mostly for my own insight and not meant as a criticism of anyone else's posts or journey or struggles.

All is well.



It's the middle of the month so I thought I'd report my weigh-in even though I'm not very happy with the numbers.

Everything seems to be "on hold" until the last week of August, when the kids start school again. I am so eager for them to go back so that I can have more time at the gym to do weight training. As it is now, I have to hurry up and get my cardio done so I can get home before my husband leaves for work (or shortly thereafter), with no time to use the weight machines.

I am already imagining using the free weights and benches in the "Man Section" of the gym to really work on my legs and upper body.

Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 08/15/2008:
Wherever you want to put them.....I put mine in sequence, but others put them at the top....

Have a good day!

grumpy on 08/15/2008:
Well I agree with you in parts. Of course self confidence it attractive, but i was always very self confident in all areas of my life, but not so much my appearance. but since appearance is one of maybe 6 major factors in your whole, i was always perceived as confident by all. i never get embarrassed or shy, i have interesting conversations and i can talk to any one in any situation. and yeah, people find that attractive, but if you don't have looks to go with it, this attractiveness is just an attractiveness as far as chatting or a social interaction goes. never more than that. at least in my case.

WI3 on 08/15/2008:
I like the updates at the top personally lol. And I couldn't agree more with your post. Self confidence is very attractive. One of my biggest thrills is walking into a room and feeling like I own it. And other people pick up on that as well. Something my dad said to me a long time ago when I was going through my divorce. A woman I worked for wasn't all that attractive physically or looks wise..but she was pretty in an odd way that I could never define. My dad was at my office one day when my boss walked into the main office area. He had no idea who she was but he said "That must be your boss, you can tell she is in charge." And I looked at her, and sure enough, she had a way of standing, tilting her head, and holding herself that exuded confidence and power. From that day forward I got in touch with my inner confidence and started working on being the one who walks into a room and have that sexy confidence that people of all sexes find exciting. I think that is part of the reason why I didn't lack for male attention even when I was at my heaviest. And why a lot of people never 'saw' me as a heavy person. My personality has always been bigger than my body lol, and then I turned it around to be something more intense as I got older.

CONGRATULATIONS on the workout! I LOVE those days when you hit it hard and you just KNOW you did some good! YAY!

Jen40 on 08/15/2008:
Yay you!!! You are really thinking smart today. :O) Loved this entry.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/16/2008:
hi donks. i've been having the same thoughts: using the "man" section of the gym. i used to but i have fallen sooo out of the loop for at least a year that it is really hard to go back and feel confident. but, the summer is sooo much less crowded so it would be the perfect time. i may...

right now free weights,sometimes abs, and pushups always are helping me. feel free to offer any other fitness advice.

i think self confidence is attrative too. i know i am definitely calorie/weight/diet obsessed. i helps me feel sane, even though it's not healthy. that's like an oxymoron!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/17/2008:
i always do my updates at the TOP because people read that first. will you be working this year when your kids are in school?

Jen40 on 08/19/2008:
where are you????

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 120.5

OK, since I read that others are having problems... I thought it'd be best to be HONEST with myself and with all of you and post my weight number.

I had an encounter with some ice cream last night. A lot of ice cream.

But it was not a total defeat. Even though the numbers are up and all that blah blah blah, today is the First Day EVER that I have felt that I have the balance between carbs and protein and exercise and portions IN BALANCE and UNDER CONTROL.

This is like a huge victory for me because I tend to be a black-white sort of person, and what I really need in my life is to learn how to live with the grey.

I can only hope that tomorrow goes as well. I plan to use today's menu as a template for the future. Especially for some very trying days, which I have ahead of me soon. This I know for certain.

Progress as of today: 23.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/12/2008:
guess what!? my day was VERY similiar to yours! foodwise, it was a challenge and i gave into many of the mini temptations. many of the temptations also had a health value (as well as a fun value) to them. i had to fortune cookies in the cafeteria that were on the table, a coworker gave me a huge bunch of very large looking yummy grapes, have two zone bars...and dunkin donuts coolata. good and alright foods, but still balanced in my day. i feel accomplished when i look at the exercise i did. i think it's good we CAN live in the GRAY! :)

WI3 on 08/13/2008:
I remember you talking about the black/white issue previously as well..I am so happy for you that you found that the gray area's aren't so bad after all! Thinking about you and saying a prayer. Take care, Donkey!

grumpy on 08/13/2008:
Funny, I always have encountered people who are black or white when talking about my issues and what I think is that there's more grey in life than anything else, and i try to explain that to them. last night i was feeling awful, lost the guy i am in love with and felt it was my fault, because of how i look, which may as well be, but not until i chatted with my best friend on the phone, who lives in LA, that I could calm down. It was so nice for me to hear some caring sane words about how it's all grey and we have to just do our best and things can always change one way or another. glad you had a good day!

grumpy on 08/13/2008:
Yea, it's the grey area of our weight. haha.

WI3 on 08/13/2008:
Good luck with everything!

Jen40 on 08/14/2008:
Yeah, I struggle with grey areas myself. I'm getting better at it tho! You will too. :O) Have a wonderful day.

Donkey - Monday Aug 11, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.5

Just checking in with a weigh-in. *sigh*

Stuck. Very stuck.

Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/11/2008:
whats your goal weight now?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/11/2008:
but why is this bad if it is the same as your goal? shouldn't this be a good thing?

feel better donkey. thanks for your helpful comments. i hope i do end up meeting someone good online. it has been getting better :)

WI3 on 08/11/2008:
Ah, you have some very stressful times going on. I remember when you were struggling at 135 and you had very stressful times going on, and you struggled hard to lose that weight and it was huge focus of your life. I WISH I was 118. I'm shooting for 150 because I can't stand the thought of needing to lose 70lbs right now lol. Hang in there and don't undo your therapy.

Donkey - Sunday Aug 10, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.5

Do you think I'm freaking out????? THIS is what eating frozen watermelon at 9p will do to your numbers on the scale. UGH!!!!

Woke up feeling VERY puffy today. Just call me the Puff Donkey (or P-Donkey, I suppose, eh?).

I hope to update this entry later on today with something more substantial to say.

Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 08/10/2008:
The one nice thing about watermelon (well for me anyway) is that it does help with constipation lol. Hang in there Miss P-Donkey! Water retention is inevitable at some point. It really does piss me off, though LOL

beth201P on 08/10/2008:
I know what you mean, however it is mother nature for me. lol During this time of the month I wish I was fixed. lol Have a good Sunday. (hug)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/10/2008:
HAHAHA!!! p-donk! that's just one of the most awesome things i've read in your diary lately!!! :)

well, watermelon is filled with healthy water and some sugar! so, it's normal for the water to bloat you a bit if you eat a lot of it late. but, it's totally healthy so stop it!!! don't go totally by the scale. i think you are a bit addicted to the scale, actually. i remember when i get addicted to weight and start weighing myself every day, that's not good. now, i can tell if i'm up or down just by how i feel. i do like to weigh myself when i know i am down, but i am not at all addicted to the scale. if you weigh yourself once per day, that's good but i'd recommend you take an average of your weights for the week to see if you are really up/down. so, average 7 days and see where you are week to week. that's what i'd do.

i am STILL doing pushups and i love them so! thank you thank you thank you! I like how they make my shoulders look BROADER. it makes me look more athletic. yay! :)

Jen40 on 08/11/2008:
What's this about push ups? I'm liking the sound of that! :O)

Donkey - Saturday Aug 09, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.0

Several things to talk about:

1. I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago and he knows about these issues I have with food and weight. I try not to give them too much of the therapy sessions because that's not what's REALLY bothering me. The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems.

2. It's not about the numbers. Ha ha - sometimes I forget this, as you saw in yesterday's post. I hit a really low point yesterday, and that's when the numbers (calories, weight, exercise, etc.) kind of take over my brain. Total defense mechanism, but I can't go there. Or if I do, I have to make sure I don't stay there too long or turning around will be harder and harder.

3. Being thin doesn't count if you're not healthy & happy. This kind of repeats #2 listed above, but more compactly and precisely. I should have a bumper sticker that says that.

As you can see, my numbers (ha ha) are up today, but that is probably because of the ice cream that I had last night. I seem to be making Friday nights sort of a Treat Night, where I have an indulgence or 2. I had 1/2 cups (give or take) of 3 or 4 of the flavors of ice cream that we have here in the house. I'm not replacing them once they are finished. Time to get that **** out of the house.

OK -- this post has already started to become WAY too involved in food and numbers and weight. So I'm ending it here. It stops now.

Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/09/2008:
Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist! That should really help. Let us know when you feel progress--although just the fact you started going is a huge progress in itself! Glad to hear you gave yourself a treat too. Enjoy your weekend. xo.

WI3 on 08/09/2008:
**The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems. **

Exactly. And some of us use food to protect us from our problems and go the OTHER way, which is gaining weight. You did work very hard to lose the weight and you did it during some very, very stressful times, and you were successful. So it is only natural that you would return to what you did that you feel very good about, and have that control, even when you know it might be a bit too much. Your weight and what you put in your mouth, or don't put in your mouth, are things that nobody can control or take away from you. My sister does the same thing but does it with eating too much food and not exercising. To her, being obese is what SHE wants...so because she is obese, she is therefore in control of her life. Even though she isn't happy and knows it isn't good for her.

Hang in there Donkey, you will eventually break through your real reasons and regain more control of parts of your life that you feel you can't right now. For whatever reason.

I am really very happy to see someone addressing the OTHER side of weight obsession, and so openly. In reality, overeating/underexercising and overeating/overexercising, are in a parallel universe. I am glad you are seeing the therapist..maybe it won't be so scary getting to the other side. Take care =)

Jen40 on 08/09/2008:
Nah, W13 said everything I was thinking only better, take care. I hope today is going well for you. Maybe something fun?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/09/2008:
i like how you do mention therapy and how you are doing something to aid you in feeling better about everything that's going on and not just the food/exercise. of course you know i can relate to you on how we use food/numbers/calories/exercise as shields to what's really going on. i think i definitely used that on my trip. focussing on how to be different and set myself apart from others by trying to eat healthy. then again, i enjoy eating healthy.

anyways, back to you. what you wrote up there, the points you listed, are good. it shows you are striving to focus on your internal health. keep it up!

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