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Donkey - Friday Aug 08, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

I cannot possibly describe how strong the desire is to see a lower number on the scale. Throw me a bone: 115, 114.5.... 113 would be such a pretty number.

I'm tired of seeing 116. Blah.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

omahagrl on 08/08/2008:
Can I ask why your original goal of being 125 is now 102? My concern is that you have exceeded your goal and you should be so proud of your accomplishment. Yet your entries talk about seeing yourself as getting larger and are not the same tone as they were in the past. I know I have suggested this in the past but have you thought about seeing a counselor, therapist or even talking to your physician about this. Although all I know of you is from your entries I am concerned as I have had friends that have had feelings like you have only to find that losing weight did not make them happier but only caused more anxiety and depression. I say this as honest as the advice that you have given me in the past year. ((((HUGS))))

grumpy on 08/08/2008:
When you see 113, you will want 108. when you see 108, you will want 100, what after that? You should focus on your health, especially your anxiety issues. have a great friday!

Agent_Guber on 08/08/2008:
I hope that everything turns out the way they should for you, I am sorry you have anxiety .. it is so hard to live with especially when dealing with body image issues. I understand what you are going through. I use to be really big and I lost almost 100 pounds, I still saw myself at my original weight. I would go to the store and I would still pick up a 20 even though I was in a 12, then I would have to go back a few times until I got the right size because I didnt believe the changes my body had made, when I looked in the mirror I saw the same person I was, not who I had become.

maria777 on 08/08/2008:
Sounds like you are perfect right where you are!!! Be happy with it! Have you ever heard of eating disorders? It is easy to develop when on a diet, especially when one is dealing with a lot of stress. I am not saying that you have one...but at one time 'I' had one...I reached my goal but it was not good enough...I kept on and on til I ended up in the hospital...

Now that you have done so well, why not just maintain where you are and move on to thinking about other things...other things to DISTRACT your mind with instead of the scale? My Hubby threw out my scale last month cause he was concerned about me and while I am not saying for you to do likewise, I AM saying that you really need to think this through...and take good care of yourself in the meanwhile. ~Love, Maria

medusa on 08/08/2008:
Hey there. I ve seen your comment in my diary. Nice people are nice and mean people are mean. My big luck was thati understood that very early,so i learned to respond to all the mean people i ve met in my life. The greatest pleasure is that i noticed that except calling me "fat" they could say nothing else against me. Remember,they always have nothing else to say,and when they are mean they just trying to cover their own complexes and disantvantages.

Oh wait,116 lbs? Girl you are slim!


Jen40 on 08/08/2008:
*hugs* there's so much I want to say, but I don't think I have the right to, and I don't think you really want to hear it. You know the answer here, deep within you and you don't need me to say it. But know that at one time, I knew exactly what you're feeling and why you're going for that lower number again. Honey, go talk with a counselor, there's no shame in it.

Donkey - Thursday Aug 07, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK...

One of those days...

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/07/2008:
Aww, *hugs* I hope your day wasn't all that bad.

WI3 on 08/07/2008:
You're damn right it is going to be ok!! You GO GIRL!! =)

loveray on 08/08/2008:
hi donkey! thanks so much for your comments lately. i wanted to share a bit of my anxiety story with you: it seems as though it gets worse for me when i doubt my true self or my deepest feelings and opinions. seems like you think you "should be" calm, cool and collected- when the truth is i believe that anxiety is the negative symbol of a deep, passionate, committed and feeling human being. go with it- and try to use the energy for something positive. love to you!

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

I seem to have stabilized at around 116. Lately, I have been feeling very large. I swear, last night, I thought that certain body parts had gotten noticeably larger within the last week or so. I don't think so.

I need to learn how to deal with anxious feelings. My husband is such a calm and cool guy on the outside in most situations. Me, on the other hand, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm so transparent.

This here nerdy Donkey needs to work on being one cool racehorse. Or at least coming across like one.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/05/2008:
Keep going!!! You're doing fantastic!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/05/2008:
calm it. you know body parts just don't grow overnight! lol. even me, consuming enough to gain 4 lbs in a week still sorta fits into her clothes. uhhh.

grumpy on 08/06/2008:
I am sure you're not large. I was talking to loveray about this today. That skinny b***ch (hahahaha, i love her, she knows i would say that just to joke with her) said she felt fat, because she's going through some rough times. I told her not to let her mind trick her into even say, think, or type the word fat associated to her, since its so far from reality. same goes to you. instead of feeling 'very large" what were you REALLY feeling? Defeated? Anxious? See my point? Anyway, it's okay to be transparent, i don't think that's a flaw. I think the real issue is your anxiety and all of ours for that matter. Let's give a kick in the behind of the REAL issue.

As for your comment to me yesterday, we may very well be sharing the same man, because mine is really cute too. he's just not really 'mine', dang it!!!!!

WI3 on 08/06/2008:
Sometimes I feel like I have a really big head. And I ask brian if my head looks bigger than the last time he saw it...he laughs but seriously sometimes I think my head gets bigger overnight. Like it retains water or something.

YOU ARE NOT BIG...you are small. You are very small. You are so small that you were worried about your small self. The anxious feeling is probably just making you feel bigger, freaking you out and all that stuff.

I do, however, understand that people with distorted body image or distorted eating, also have that feeling. And that sometimes when your life seems totally out of control, if the only thing you feel good at controlling is your weight, sometimes it becomes an obsession because it feels good to master the weight loss. And it can happen to anyone. I think we all have obsessions, and some of them can be weight control.

You are not big. You may have parts of yourself that you don't like, we all do. Right now the part I don't like is my whole body.

Hang in there Donkey...and don't pretend anything. =)

Donkey - Sunday Aug 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.5

OK, yesterday was 114.0 and today was 116.5. And before that it was 115.5. So I took the average and it seems as though I've settled at around 115, which I can live with.

My one scale (yes, I have 2 scales and I weigh-in on both) measures water weight, and it is elevated this morning, so I'm sure I'm holding in quite a bit. It's rather humid today, and tomorrow it promises to be very hot and muggy, which I detest.

Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/03/2008:
Thanks! Which parts you like reading the best? When I end up eating too much, when J doesn't wanna commit or when I can make myself workout? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding, thanks for saying you like it though! And I think the name Donkey is pretty good, too, so maybe you don't need to change it to Crabby. Hahaha. Hugs!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/03/2008:
haha. right now i am holding everything: weight, food, water!

i will make sure to keep eating often. i always do but lately it's gotten to be too much so. i need to keep some kind of schedule bc at work i just take coffee whenever i feel like it and i'm going overboard. getting bloated all the time and just consuming too much volume. i think. tomorrow's going to be difficult at work. perhaps i'll pick up one of those starbucks drinks on the way there! :)

Donkey - Friday Aug 01, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 115.5

OK, the only reason why I'm reporting this today is because it's the first of the month, and I thought it would be a good idea to have a reference point for how I do in August.

I would say that I'm starting to get concerned. I'm trying to work it out in my thoughts, to gather inner strength and a clear perspective. Definitely time to phase in a healthy maintenance program. Definitely....

Progress as of today: 28.5 lbs lost so far, only -14.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/01/2008:
Yes, definitely. Don't let yourself lose more than that. I am worried about you!

WI3 on 08/01/2008:
I'm on your side and rooting for you. If there is one thing I've learned about you since you joined DD, is that you can do anything you set your mind to do..even if it scares the h*ll out of you. Good for you on getting some outside help..that is fantastic!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/02/2008:
hmmm. so i guess you are being very logical about your health and weight. start slowly maybe add in 100 calories or something each day for a week and see if that helps you. just a little and you can experiment to see what works for you.

WI3 on 08/02/2008:
I am very happy that you understand what I am going through with my mother. I love her very much and I know she loves me, but wow...sometimes I can't breathe when she smothers me. Here's to two survivors trying to make our way in this world! I hope you are doing well =)

Donkey - Thursday Jul 31, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.0

It's funny how talking to someone objective can make a person feel so much better. However, now I feel less than ever like eating. Bleah...

I'll have another cup of coffee instead. It will be OK.

Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/31/2008:
I am glad you feel much better after the talk. But as far as not feeling like eating, i guess you have to make the same effort as the rest of us (who would wanna overeat), force yourself to eat just enough for your body needs and healthy choices. Good luck!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2008:
so the talk went well today?? good. i hope this person gives you good advice.

just remember you cannot starve. i miss reading your menus.

Beth201P on 07/31/2008:
Hey sometimes talking does help a lot. Have a great Friday. ((hug))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2008:
you are one of the few that have told me to call/email him. i hope i've made the right choice. i'm actually quite nervous about that. i feel like i need to read a magazine article to calm myself down before calling him. arg!

Jen40 on 08/01/2008:
*Hugs* I'm glad you're seeing someone to get back on track. You sound like such a strong person, I know you can overcome this. I used to see a therapist for a couple years and talking helped me get my head clear in a safe environment with no pressure. Worked like magic!

Donkey - Wednesday Jul 30, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

Pay no attention to that number in the weight column. Monday it was 117.5. Tuesday it was 121.5. Today it is 116.0. I have 2 scales that are 1lb off, and both scales correspond to the influx in weight. So that leads me to conclude that the number on the scale is nothing but donkey-doo.

My phone call was returned yesterday and it was not good news, but it was not unexpected. I can't make my problems go away by ignoring them, so I will have to fight them until I have no further recourse. I was able to convey that I have done considerable effort on my part, but I still have some nagging issues. I don't know if I should bring them up. Husband says I should not, but if you have questions, shouldn't you ask?

I am talking to someone about my anxiety tomorrow. So far, I have been able to get SOME sleep (as opposed to little to no sleep), but only out of sheer exhaustion. But 4-5 hours is better than 3 hours or 2-hour chunks throughout the night. I hope that this person will be able to help me get a grip on my nerves.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

sweetpea1977 on 07/30/2008:
Im sorry about the news you got from the phone call. In my opinion, you should definitely ask questions if something is bugging you. Otherwise, you will obsess about it and eventually eat you up inside.

Im glad you were able to get some sleep. A little is better than none. Good luck with your anxiety discussion. I hope you find some answers and relief soon.

WI3 on 07/30/2008:
You know what? Remember back when you were struggling to get your weight to your goal? The fact that you are at goal and have even gone lower..seriously, that is a big accomplishment. And when you were struggling to maintain, and with the bus driving job and everything. As long as you aren't hurting yourself to lose the weight or keep it off, you have done a very very very good job...I am very impressed! I mean that!

I'm not sure what your struggles are, but wow, I read your entries and in spite of your humor (that Donkey humor that is so cool!) it feels like there are some very heavy things going on. I am so happy for you that you are going to speak to someone and get some assistance. You are a strong person and have been through a great deal, the move, trying to sell the house, all that frustration, the job, kids being sick, everything. But even the strongest of us need a haven and I am very glad to read you are going to create one for yourself. I wish you all the best!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/30/2008:
in my adult life, and i'm excluding college years when it dipped a couple pounds lower, my lowest which only lasted for about 1-2 weeks was around 107. i reached it when i was busiest, under the most stress, and being watched by everyone and everyone at work.

i'm glad you are doing something proactive for yourself! :)

Donkey - Monday Jul 28, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.5

Just checking to let you know that I'm still hanging on to that knot at the end of my rope :-) It'll be all right. (Although - I'm expecting a phone call that will tell me if it will *really* be all right or if I have to hang onto that knot a little longer.)

My husband mentioned yesterday that maybe I'm getting a little too thin. Hmm. I don't think so. My weight is still healthy. I eat a lot. I exercise. I think it's jut because my body fat % is 15, so I do admit I look lean. Ahh you gotta love summertime. I love being outside and active, eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. OF COURSE I'm going to be leaner. DUH! Now check back with me after Thanksgiving, when the Christmas cookies start to come out ;-) Trust me, it'll be a different story.

Progress as of today: 26.5 lbs lost so far, only -12.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/28/2008:
I wish all the best for you, but listen to your husband also. 117,5 sounds a little on the light side for me. Granted I never seen your frame, but I just say that because since you're experience anxiety and you are working out so so much, maybe you should keep your body a little stronger to have energy to face all this. Just make sure you don't go any lower. Good luck with your call. Hope it's all good news. xo

sweetpea1977 on 07/29/2008:
I hope you had a good phone call. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/29/2008:
i think its good your husband expressed his concerns. you seem happier today. remember, you are a valuable person and you should treat yourself well always. :)

loveray on 07/29/2008:
i hope that you are happy and feeling a sense of peace this evening. be well, ok? xoxo

shellybelly on 07/29/2008:
Thanks for the comment! Looking at your progress is encouraging. Take care!

WI3 on 07/29/2008:
That was nice of your husband to worry about you. Nice to have someone who cares enough to notice =)

Hang in there! Oh and yeah, for real about Thanksgiving and Christmas LOL!

Donkey - Saturday Jul 26, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.0

Last night, I think I had a full blown panic attack. I was with dh at the kids' belt testing for TKD. Because there's a parade today, ALL the belts tested last night, instead of having the higher belts test on Saturday morning, so there were twice the number of people testing. It was hot (even though the AC was on & they had fans running), it was crowded, it was long, it was boring. (Oh Lord was it BORING.)

It started innocently enough. I started to feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I wasn't hyperventilating. Just every 2 minutes or so, I had to take a very deep breath because I felt smothered. Then this "wave" - that is the only way I can describe what it felt like - of panic and sadness and grief just came over me. I couldn't stop crying. Fortunately, I am a quiet crier, so I just put my head in my husband's shoulder and sobbed quietly. We left the building, and I sat out in the car to listen to some music (which helps take my mind off of thoughts), and then I sat outside the building, by the large glass windows so that I could see the kids finishing up their belt testing. I drove the family home. I felt much better.

I realized in the car, though, that I cannot be falling apart like this. I am stronger than this. Why am I letting people beat me down (figuratively speaking)? I can overcome this adversity. But I can't do it if I'm falling apart! I can't think clearly if I'm overcome with anxiety.


On Thursday, my husband made an appointment for me to talk to someone. I know I can work this out; I've had anxiety problems before that I resolved -- quite readily, in fact. 3 months of talk therapy and some cognitive rethinking and I was back on my feet. I think that what I need is a "refresher course" and just am objective voice to help keep me grounded.

Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of reasons to be anxious. I'm kind of a worrier anyway (mothers worry about everything), plus with all this c**p that's happening lately, my reaction should not be surprising. But I can't allow that to overtake what is good within me. Could this be a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing? Hmm... The Good (what I know in my heart) must remain strong and intact or the Evil (fear, anxiety) will overtake me. But enough of this literary references. This is real life, not some book with a happy ending.

My weight is up 2.5lb today. Great. I have no idea why; I did everything right yesterday. I'm just going to chalk it up to fluctuation and not panic. It's rather humid here in the midwest, so maybe it's water retention. Did I have salty foods last night? Hmm... maybe I did, I can't remember...

The thing is not to panic. ;-)

Progress as of today: 26 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2008:
hey donkey! you sound a little better today. you see, nobody can ALWAYS be strong and calm because we all have emotions. it is OK to talk about emotions, maybe just with your husband at first. but yes, you should let them out because if you don't you'll just have another anxiety attack, right? don't think you need to be PERFECT for your kids or anyone else. people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are. i do that too, by the way. i am always thinking about what negative things people must say about me.

as for the weight, you know it fluctuates. i know it's hard to accept though. my weight went for a major fluctuation this week in a majorly wrong direction too! smartly, i didn't let it affect my negative thinking so much this time. :)

jon'smom on 07/26/2008:
Great to see you here Donkey. Like you, I am a constant worrier(I had my first ulcer when I was in the third grade!) And when I have nothing to be worried about, I become worried. Things became worse when I became a mom. But now things are becoming better and I believe things will work out for you too. I can tell you are a STRONG person. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you just how strong you really are. Now if I could just get a grip on this perfectionist(?) thing LOL

thinnside40 on 07/26/2008:
Correct!.... I went through things similar before and had to "deal" with them as they overcame me or were going to if I didn't "talk my way down"...Feels as though sometimes I am having a heart-attack..In fact have went to the hospital in the past thinking I was....But now, I know my heart is fine (been tested) and I have to "settle" feelings the best I can at the time.....Sounds like you have a support in your husband and for that I am so thankful for you, cause many women do not.....I do too......Can't explain "why" sometimes it comes on either....Just to have someone hold, understand,not try to "fix you" & not prying makes big difference.....

Good Weekend to you!

Beth201P on 07/26/2008:
I am so sorry you are having those attacks. Not fun at all. I with you on the weight being up. What did we do wrong, plus I have a stomach bug and that usually helps with the weight loss. LOL Well I hope your weekend is much much better. ((Hugs))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2008:
hola donk donk! i hope you are feeling better now. have a good evening and i'll check on you on your next post! :)

WI3 on 07/27/2008:
I am glad you are going to talk to someone and that you understand what is going on with you. That is more than half the battle =)

Wishing you a good day!

Donkey - Thursday Jul 24, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.5

The anxiety is just overwhelming. I can't even begin to describe it, except to say that it sucks when you continually feel like you are having your breath knocked out of you. And that you are constantly "on edge", ready to fly off. There isn't a single day that doesn't go by where I think about parking my car on the railroad tracks and waiting for the train to come by.

(((Of course, I would NEVER EVER act on this, for my children's sake. I know what it's like to grow up with an absent parent, and I would not wish that pain on ANYONE much less my own children, whom I love desperately.)))

Diet and exercise: Diet is mostly fruits & vegetables, some protein, very few breads (and those that I have are high fiber). Exercise is the only thing that dulls the pain and makes me feel alive -- whole. I know I'm ok when I'm in motion. Running 3x a week and the elliptical 5x a week. It's my little safe corner in the world.

Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/24/2008:
Hey sweetie, your weight is very low now, i am a little worried. Are you getting help? Do you see a doctor or have your family support, etc? Let us know if we can help. Ever tried yoga or some other lower impact workouts that would help clear your head as well?


TOmama on 07/24/2008:
Grumpy's suggestion is a good one, yoga/meditation would be great for you, very calming. *hugs*

omahagrl on 07/24/2008:
I hope that you are reaching out to others that may help you. Even just saying that you have no hope is a red flag that you may need some outside assistance or maybe it is a symptom of something that you cannot control. I would go to a doctor or even reached out to a family member about your feelings.

thinnside40 on 07/24/2008:
Donkey ~ What pain ?....Why Anxiety ?.... I'm no specialist, but to let out some of why you are feeling what you are may be help some.....Not to get comment, but to "get it out"........I have often wondered when I get to goal if I will keep going, cause have always wanted to be "thin" and afraid that I may go overboard when I see the results.... To go extreme on the opposite side of the spectrum, where I have always been overboard on the + side... I can feel it when I walk that I want to go more to have faster results, but realize to keep the momentum I am now is the healthiest & realistic for the rest of my life. Whereas to eat less, exercise more and have it gone quicker isn't realistic behavior long term.....

Please don't take the burden of risking your health for the benefit of numbing yourself to life...... Either way as it is now, you are slowly taking yourself away from your kids by continuing to ignore there is a problem that needs to be addressed.....Best seek professional help of some sort before you aren't around due to withering away....

Best of luck Donkey!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/24/2008:
donkey, what's going on??? why are you so upset? this is soooo NOT like you! speak up and tell us so that we can help! :(

i speak for everyone when i say we only want the best for you.

Beth201P on 07/24/2008:
Oh...Please look at going to someone to help you. You have to really take care of yourself for your children's sake. I agree with everyone. Please get help! ((Hugs my friend)) I will keep you in my prayers!!!

WI3 on 07/25/2008:
Hey Donkey!!!! Let me say, I know how you feel 150%. Maybe not your exact set of circumstances, but I do know how you feel. I've been driving along the road and just think for a second that I'd like to drive into the cement wall of the underpass..or whatever. Your feelings are very real, and on the same hand..treatable. And, NOTHING to be ashamed of. In addition, you have lots of company who share those same feelings. The only reason I shared everything in my diary that I shared, was to reach out and let everyone else know that if they are depressed, or struggle(ing) with depression, that they aren't alone. And then moody posted her story, Thin posted hers, and others posted theirs, and everyone knows someone with depression and struggling with thoughts of suicide. I went for years the same way...just destroyed on the inside but perfect polly on the outside. When I finally had my nervous breakdown, and was hospitalized, I finally got started on medication..and while the problems and issues were still there...my GOD it was so much clearer and easier to deal with them. It was like a huge, heavy, cement blanket had been lifted off my mind, heart, and back. The only thing that I wished I had done, was not wait until I had the nervous breakdown to get help. It was still a struggle after that, convincing the family that what I have is a very real sickness, but nothing that they did, or anything I did. Some of us are just prone to depression because of the way our chemical makeup handles serotonin and dopamine. It isn't that we aren't "strong enough" to handle life..it is that we don't have the right mix of chemicals in order TO handle life. If someone is going through a singular depression, it doesn't mean that they still aren't deprived of serotonin or dopamine..at that moment, they very well could be, and a little medicinal therapy may help. Counseling also helps take away some of that heavy load and helps us be able to think clearer.

While I cannot speak to what you, personally, are going through or what you need in order to help yourself..I just wanted to say how cool it is that you are sharing this with us, and that you are not alone at all.

Hang in there, Donkey. You are good people!

Wi3 on 07/25/2008:
Hey there, Donkey. Just wanted to stop by and say hi and apologize if I came across as preachy or like I know what is going on with you, because I know I don't. I just don't want you to hurt. I can feel THAT part crystal clear and I know how bad it sucks. Just wanted to let you know that you were on my mind today.

grumpy on 07/25/2008:
Hey, just came in to check on you. Hope your days are always better than the ones before. xo.

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