RE-EVALUATING EVERYTHING.
I cannot remember the last time I felt this sad and hopeless.
I need to isolate, re-evaluate, and re-organize my priorities.
Progress as of today: 57 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
Yesterday was emotionally difficult, today was even harder... starting with an awful weigh- in.
Progress as of today: 57 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
also, i'm sorry your cat's health is not optimal but you have taken such wonderful care of her and i hope you will continue to be a wonderful "feline mom" in the future!
did the boss let you go into work late? i'm sure? i hope you begin to feel better soon... do you have today off?
Just taking a few minutes for ME and logging in to DD to comment. I could have spent this time doing weights, but I will do that tonight, maybe. I think I can spare the 5 minutes towards minimal but mandatory weight training, LOL...
I'm feeling a bit sad this morning. Not AT ALL looking forward to this stupid birthday breakfast thing. My hubby was kind enough to cook up the sausages I'm bringing... Some of the sadness, I'm sure, is situational, some of it is fatigue, some of it is dread (from the breakfast) and some of it is hormonal.
I haven't mentioned this here, but my cat is ailing and getting ready to go over the Rainbow Bridge. Today seems like it might be a better day for her. She has lost a lot of weight and drinks way too much water. We got a diagnosis a couple of years ago that she was in the early stages of renal failure, for which there is no cure. There are things we could do to prolong her life, but that would just make her remaining time here in this world very miserable. We really thought she only had about 6 more months, so she's been doing pretty well for another 1.5 years, until recently...
My main goal for her is to make her remaining time with us as comfortable as possible, and letting her know how much she is loved by us all.
The dinner plans with mom tomorrow have changed. We are meeting her for brunch -- I will probably go into work late, if the boss will let me (because Queen Bee has already decided that she will take the day off, for a long holiday weekend). So I will be able to make it a lighter meal out, and also get in the evening exercise bike ride, or chair yoga with the husband.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
sorry i didn't comment well these past few days...it was a challenge to get into after DD went down and weekends i'm always all over the place. having this extra day home i'm glad i can also catch up with you folks!....will add to this comment in a few minutes... :)
Yes, I am logging in on DD on my laptop this morning, instead of rushing off to work! This is my ME time and I'm not giving it up to some job where I'm not appreciated by my boss, my clients, and my coworkers.
I've been inspired lately:
So we'll see what today brings.... Now, unfortunately, I do need to logoff and go to work. Have a good day, everyone!
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
remember not to let the crazy job crap get to you so much....it is what pays the bills and there is this type of crud at any job....
one person in particular at my job has rubbed me in completely the wrong way now...i have lost my total respect for him.
so it offers some change in the room automatically ...and it does it little by little getting brighter which i like. i'd have liked something that gets much brighter and may even spend MORE MONEY now that i think about it on getting something better now.
i am spending a large chunk of money this year on making my home more of a home with amenities that will make my work life and life in general easier.
from all the gym equipment which i'm SO satisfied with...to a good daylight alarm clock...
i am trying to give myself the best opportunity to improve physically and feel good during the winter. it's sooooo nice to come home from work and NOT leave the apt to go out to the gym and drive there. it's a better deal to come home and stay home :) just trying to simplify and make things better for a happier and healthier life. especially since getting up around 5:30am is also getting up in the dark!
I'm posting through my phone, which I do not like doing.
Not saying who, but 2 people at work have decided that we're having a breakfast bash on Thursday to celebrate the boss' birthday. I HATE casseroles, and 2 certain coworkers are bringing breakfast casseroles. I was assigned meat. So I will be bringing sausage links.
As you may recall, my stepfather passed away in January after a long battle with liver cancer. Saturday, his brother died... after a long battle with esophageal cancer. So my mom, brother, and (half) sister are coming to Illinois for the service on Saturday.
So this has been on my mind...
I had planned to try some keto baking this weekend. Now that probably won't happen. Also, no evening bike ride on Friday, and will be eating out Friday night with mom. No hopes for a satisfactory weigh-in on Saturday.
I had an epiphany that I really want to focus more of my life on my health and happiness.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
you can still have a good weigh-in. when you go out to eat, you can order healthy things that still taste good as long as you go somewhere that has that option.
i thought those keto brownies looked mad awesome too....
is your family coming in on friday or saturday?
are you sure you cannot do a bike ride Friday?
On Friday, I will have my morning leisurely bike ride while I watch the news, but I also like/need to unwind at the end of the day with another ride, to work out the stress. So it is not as though I won't have ANY exercise. Maybe I can get in a longer walk at lunchtime...
It's all about the stress management, lately.
I wasn't going to write an entry because today is not a weigh-in day, and I didn't want this weight to be my mark on the progress chart for October, since this number is really for September. But then I thought, this number ain't so bad. This week's weigh-in could be - and probably will be - higher.
I was so cold at work today. I realize that I need to adjust my meals and snacks from cold foods, i.e. raw (salad, raw vegetables, fruit) to something that can be heated up, so that it warms me up.
I will also need to add an extra layer of under clothing, to help with warmth.
Ate too much bacon at dinner, feeling out of sorts afterwards.
Going to bed soon. Need sleep.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
it helps to keep your neck warm with a scarf.
Thank you for your comments - I replied as well. :-) I meant to update my entry last night, with a recap, but ended up heading upstairs for the evening, and never got back on the laptop to update.
I has been a very productive, satisfying weekend for me. I accomplished picking up, breaking down, and bagging all of the small to medium willow branches that fell down last week during the big storm. So all that is left are big branches that have to be chopped up with an axe. It loooks like drizzle for most of the day, on and off, so that might not happen. It was very satisfying to see the lawn bags fill up and pile up. I have 6 bags and 1 can going out to the curb for yard waste pick-up on Tuesday.
Got my laundry washed, and now it's ready to be folded while I watch morning TV.
Had a nice date with my husband at the hardware store in the morning, and then another "date" at Wal-Mart in the late afternoon to do a little necessary shopping. Ended up buying a "take-and-bake" fresh pizza, and had that for dinner. It was very good; I had a big salad with my dinner, too. Funny when I do have carbs (pizza crust, in this case), I don't feel that craving for dessert to "top off" the meal.
It is cold, cloudy, and drizzly here today, so probably not doing too much outside today. My son is home; my daughter has to work this afternoon, so she won't be home for dinner. Tacos is the plan.
Tomorrow, my husband is meeting up with his mom (who is blind and deaf, and lives in assisted living) and his brother to discuss what to do with mom. Mom asked to live with her son (BIL, not my husband), which he doesn't want, even though he lives in a 4-bedroom house alone. I do not think that she can come here, and even if she could, she would not be happy here. I believe that my brother-in-law will ask my husband to do more, after all - husband is home all day doing nothing, right? They don't seem to understand that my husband is SICK and in constant PAIN, and can hardly take care of himself, much less his needy mother. He cannot drive, safely, alone any more -- brother didn't know that.
Mom is very self-centered and very upset that her husband left her (died), so now she needs to take care of herself, and she doesn't want to. I get that, I've been there - but that's not how life works. All those years when dad was around, she never learned how to be self-sufficient, and so now that he's passed, she's bitter, lonely, and helpless. My BIL has always been the favorite son, and neither parent did much of anything with my husband, with our family, with our children - EVER. And I think she wants someone who will step in and entertain her, drive her around, take her out, do things with her, etc.
She really cannot live alone, so assisted living is probably right for her, and she might be able to move into an apartment or condo, and have a homecare person come by for a few hours a day. She would probably need to get one of those "Life Alert" systems, though, for nighttime. I don't know. I don't think that would make her happy either.
I apologize if I sound ungrateful, which I'm not, but that family dynamic is so messed up. It's not my place to say who should do what to any of them, but I WILL stand up for my husband and not allow him to be railroaded or dumped on. I think my daughter said it best: We here are all working to help (my husband) with his limitations. Taking care of another person - who never showed us much of anything - would just not work, on many levels (ours and hers).
So we'll see how it goes.
AFTERNOON EDIT: My step-father's brother passed away last night. Like my step-father, he had cancer. I will attend any services if there are any and if someone will tell me what, when, and where.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
And I do feel bad. I mean, how awful is it that your kids don't want to take care of you when you're old. But she really needs to be as self-sufficient as she possibly can be -- and she CAN be more independent. I think a lot of it is -- and has been -- her choice not to be so.
Also, you have a good idea to fold laundry while watching TV...what a pleasant way to do a routine task. I'm not joking when i thought it was a very nice idea! Most of my laundry, like 90%, i hang, so i fold only really t shirts and things i wear around the house (that's how i get outta folding!) haha...otherwise, i'd take up the TV idea.
I totally am with you with the carbs in meal vs craving after the meal. I am same exact way as you. if i satisfy my carb needs in the meal, far less cravings after. same! Taco dinner can be hugely healthy. Bulking up on veggies, good meat, some grains but you can choose how much of the tortilla / shells you want. one taco shell is surprisingly low cal if you look at the packages i was impressed when i checked many years ago! i think it said 60 cal per shell! So, i'd have 2-3 of them if that were a dinner for me!
Let me add this comment, before it gets deleted :)....
Wow. your daughter said it quite perfectly i would say.
if she is in assisted living now, can she afford to stay there? i would think that it's the perfect scenario for her.
Good weigh-in. I guess I wasn't as stressed out as I thought I was. OR perhaps everything after 127.5 will be hard-earned << That's probably a more accurate assessment.
So I actually got an apology from Male Co-Worker -- in an email, but I'll accept that. He seems to have felt bad about this past week, and I told him that I understood. We all have our days/weeks that are difficult. I did tell him I would try harder to keep lines of communication open; I do believe that this last incident was completely due to miscommunication in our office (mostly because he's been so unapproachable that I didn't want anything to do or say with him).
Anyway, I'm not thinking about work any more this weekend.
I have a date with my husband to go to the hardware store. They remodeled recently and are having a "grand re-opening" with some good sales. I try to support the smaller businesses when I can, and if they're having a sale, well, sign me up! (Bird seed, lawn bags, duplicate key service...)
We had a bad storm earlier this week, which knocked down several branches - a few of them quite large (5 inches in diameter, 15 feet long), so I will try to spend some time working on those, if the mosquitos will let me.
I have other misc. shopping to do for the week. And of course, the neverending laundry...
We're starting a new month in a couple of days, and I've mentioned here a couple/few times here that I have the urge to change things up or set new goals for myself. However, I'm not yet inspired to make any specific changes, right now. Maybe that's a goal unto itself. We're visiting my mom in Vegas for 3 days, so that will be a much welcomed change/break.
Getting to and staying at a Maintenance Mentality is not as easy as one might think...
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
When I visit her, I'm going to ask my mom about her maintenance journey, how she managed to step away from the scale.
wow! huge branches indeed, maybe you can get some help from son...either way, good exercise! i have decided to totally be lazy with laundry and wait till my day off, monday, to do it. lately, with my schedule of not even attempting gym during the week anymore since i have my equipment ready and at my apt, it seems gym looks more and more inconvenient (but it is a slightly better / longer workout there due to even more equipment)...but thank gosh for the home workout this year!
anyways tho, my point, i kicked laundry to the curb just to know that there's one key thing to do today...and to alleviate stressing when i'll go..i can go anytime now that laundry is not being done (lol, unless i have time early in the evening..)..a friend female is coming to sleep over before a long day trip to Philly tomorrow...hence my strategy to keep today as a major exercise day with everything else on the backburner!...ok too much...let me continue to comment on your entry relating back to you! :) :) :) ....
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Vegas for 3 days is a nice, short trip. try not to overdo there. get out and enjoy the weather. and take things with a grain of salt - vacation mode.
also, about changing things up for a new month, changes can be small. changes can also just be to continue to brainstorm and keep in mind that you want changes...it took me forever to work out at home...and i had to think about those changes for a long time to do so. just to get all equipment in order and ordered and delivered with back and forth returns till i had it right, it took me all of September!
so changes take time...remember this.
a month is a long time actually...
changes do not have to happen even each month. you just started with your weights again right?
also, i had a goal of cardio increase for September. i reached that goal i'd say 75%...like just passing on a test.
i did cardio, but it wasn't always running. maybe this is enough to get me thru the Winter if i progresss in the same manner each month. see!? you just helped me think of my cardio goal - knowing i will have limits on my energy and with daylight hours decreasing...
it's important goals are attainable....this is something i have learned big time during the last 5 years...attainable without hurting oneself in the process... :)
I completely agree with you about goals being attainable. You know, I might not have any for October. Kind of what Gains was saying a week or 2 ago, not really inspired but just doing the same ol' same ol'.
It was a learning lesson for me: we have complete different styles of parking (where to park, how to park), bagging (bringing your own versus getting plastic), checking out (self-checkout versus cashier), etc.
I kept telling him (in a joking way) that he was impossible, and he kept saying, I'm never shopping with you again, and then after we're in the car, he says, "I guess that wasn't too bad" - ROFL!!
Yesterday, work was awful. I cannot work productively with Male Coworker because I'm afraid to go anywhere near his desk. So I make changes in the computer but not on the physical file, and if it's not on the file, Male doesn't look any further.
I felt very bad and anxious all night about yesterday's incident, but this morning, I realized that this is Fate telling me to get up off my butt, and get some difficult administrative things done, which I've been putting off - because they are painful to face and deal with - to clean up and sharpen my portfolio, so that I can feel that I would have the freedom to look for other employment, and not feel that nobody else would ever hire me, so I'm stuck at this job forever, because I am not good enough for anything else.
I've learned that if I ignore these hints from Fate, they end up happening anyway, but not in a good way. There is something to be said about the doctrine of pre-destinstion.
Did alright with food and exercise yesterday. Daughter finished Oreo dessert Wednesday night. THANK YOU!!!
Oh I forgot the most important thing that happened at work yesterday: Queen Bee announced that she's going on another diet! Yet another diet - this one is keto for 2-3 months. (What??)
Progress as of today: 60 lbs lost so far, only -10 lbs to go!
you always do good work so i don't know if you should leave or considering leaving your job...you seem to always leave due to politics...but you always do good work...
LOL...2-3 months keto before Christmas...she'll be even fatter by January 2019...once she goes off keto and into the holidays.
You're absolutely right that I tend to leave jobs due to emotional reasons, like stress, long commute, conflicts, rather than the work itself, although my last move was because I knew I really wanted to do real estate and contracts, and not litigation. I'm just not cut out for the agony of litigation.
Still, I'd like to have options for myself, maybe not for now, but in the future - say, for example, if we move to Las Vegas, where real estate procedure is completely different. And I think cleaning up these "administrative" things will help me make a transition if/when necessary.
Accessing DD through my phone, so my access is limited as far as convenience in commenting on other entries. Please know that I'm reading all updates and cheering you all on.
I had to log in though to tell you that the hostile work environment is really helping me stick to better eating. Today, Queen Bee & Male Coworker (who is not talking to me this week) took the girl who makes a million mistakes in every file she touches out to Panda Express for lunch. Didn't mention it, just slammed the door on the way out. Saved a bunch of calories for myself.
Then, we had cheesecake for Associate Attorney who had a birthday today. Male Coworker and Queen Bee deliberately did not attend, out of animosity. Had a few bites of cheesecake, excused myself, and threw away the rest. So rude of them... I'm so sick of this toxic work environment that has come about. The other lady who was excluded said, "I've never worked in a place where everyone was so angry."
Well, anger is great for weight loss. That's all I can say.
Progress as of today: 60 lbs lost so far, only -10 lbs to go!
Good job on weathering the storm without turning to food for "comfort".
also, nice job on taking a taste of the cheesecake...best way to keep calories low is to allow for tastes! if you have it with coffee, your stomach will be satisfied too...or water :)
nice job!
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Right there with you.
(((hugs))) thank you
Horn_of_plenty on 10/08/2018:
i think just the late couple week's events have got you down. but i have to tell you, your other journal entries besides the past 3 have been full of hope and determination. try to stay positive and realize that you are totally not doing so bad at all! in fact, you have been doing amazingly well!
try not to let yourself turn into a downward spiral and i think you do need to do exactly what you are doing - isolate, re-evaluate and reorgainize.
if it's any consolation, i have used this weekend to do that for much of the 3 days i'm off. today is a down day too...to finally cook, bake those brownies (keto) for the first time...and gather my thoughts.
Lack of time to myself seems to be the biggest contributor to this awful feeling of being stuck...
graindart on 10/08/2018:
Obviously I don't know what you're struggling with right now. So my only word of wisdom is don't turn to overeating food in hopes of comfort....
Thank you - this made me smile :D
Horn_of_plenty on 10/08/2018:
i know how that feeling goes...the one of feeling stuck bc i once really was sick over that feeling...
remember that you ARE in total control of yourself. and keep on focusing on the things that you can change, move and work to accomplish if you know what i mean. keep striving. you've got this!