As wonderful as yesterday was, today, I am feeling overwhelmingly anxious, and I'm not sure why -- almost to the point of tears. Normally, I would equate this to hormones, but it's the wrong time of the month for feeling like this, if it's just hormones. I sure as heck hope it's not because of Thursday's doctor's appointment because that is a LONG ways off to be feeling like THIS every day until then. Yikes...
I know that my anxiety is stemming from an uncertain future, finances hinging on that uncertain future, and trying to downsize while husband keeps wanting to buy more "stuff". He and I are definitely on separate pages when it comes to material possessions. *sigh*
Fortunately for me, I left one of my favorite activities for today: going to the library. I did not get to that yesterday; I also should stop off at the drugstore to pick up some vitamin D for my husband... Again, spending money when I shouldn't, even though he needs the vitamin D. Everything else on my "to do" list, I did.
Normally, I would eat away my anxiety. Unfortunately, the weather here today is too hot and too humid and too buggy to walk away the anxiety. I can take a short walk while I'm at the library - there's a park there that has a nice path. The library is next to a subdivision that has a nicer walking path that I could do as well.
Progress as of today: 59.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!
I FEEL GOOD TODAY!!!
I'm so happy not to be at work today! Oh my word, I was SO busy again yesterday. I started getting a little short, so I caught myself. My boss tried his best to bring my anxiety levels down, but taking time out to relax just puts me further behind. Still, I really appreciated his efforts, and I think they worked. It was like 4:30p and I had 19 emails! If I leave those over the weekend, I'd come in to almost 40 on Monday. And Monday is going to be busy enough as it is!
So I busted my butt and stayed until a little after 6pm and got it done! I left with 3 emails, two of which are photos & repairs for the same transaction for a deal that's probably going to fall apart anyway, so definitely not time sensitive. Whew!
I'm so glad that the "all you can eat" fish fry was scratched off the list; husband decided to grill out instead, which was much more menu friendly for me, and much less stressful time-wise. As it was, I came home to hungry, crabby people. And I was a tired, crabby person. But once we all relaxed and started eating, it was much better.
Honestly, though, I had nothing left in myself to give to my family. Fortunately for me, husband was a good sport about it. I am letting him know how much happier I am today, now that I can be home with my family and not burdened by the woes of work.
And there will be other Fridays that aren't so busy or stressful when we can enjoy Fish Fry, all-you-can-eat or otherwise :-D
I have lots of little chores to do this weekend that make me happy to either do or have completed: drugstore, library, spray the cranberry tree for aphids, laundry, light weeding... I'm hoping to get in a walk outside, too!
Progress as of today: 59.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!
I used to feel the need to have EVERYTHING done by the end of the day...but...try to remember you could leave the emails unopened...
Your husband is good to listen to your needs...if you are the one working, he will need to continue to be very understanding of your needs as the breadwinner.
Wow, yesterday was insanely busy at work, and even after I left work, I remembered 2 things I forgot to do.
Phones would not stop ringing. I had to ask my boss to handle some, because I just couldn't catch up. As it was, I left 12 unanswered emails... which means that today will be busy too. *sigh*
Even though I stayed an hour late, this throwing off my whole evening routine, I did what I had to do.
Queen Bee is out of the office today, in a trip to Vegas with her girlfriends, so the office will be nice and quiet, even if it is busy.
Husband wants to go to all-you-eat fish fry tonight. HELLO????
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
can you have seltzer / tea after while still there? ????
just ideas...
good luck :)
what's the name of the fish fry restaurant? we don't have those..
Fishfry Fridays must be a midwestern thing? Most of the restaurants here have them. The particular restaurant we wanted to try was Bulldog Ale House. They have a website if you want to check it out!
ok, i take an anxiety drug. called lexapro. a prescription that's prob medium strength not too low or too high.
he was pushing me to try an ADHD drug. I have never been diagnosed and i might have it a hair but i'm not generally a very figidity person. he was going to give me adderal or however you spell it. i thought about it - and at the same session he was going to let me try it, i said to cancel the order. then i went to the pharmacy to pick up my regular lexapro for anxiety and i was asked to show my license and noticed two medications and i asked why and i was told that the adderal (i didn't even know it was adderal until i went to pick it up, i wasn't sure what i was being prescribed bc he was using the generic name for adderal in the session)...so i was told i must show my ID License bc only the person being prescribed usually picks it up / they keep track of who's picking it up bc it's HIGHLY addictive and a very regulated drug - probably not good for me to be on it...i considered not getting it - and decided in the end to GIVE IT RIGHT BACK and not pay for the extra medication - adderol. I realize dr told me in the session he was cancelling, then it shows up still...well, makes me not trust him fully. but i'll still go to him as i've been taking the same stuff for awhile, don't want anything new, and know to taper slowly if i ever want to. i don't need someone great for my purposes now - luckily i had a great dr to start, 2 years ago.
you see, bc the dr is so convenient and the fact it's easy to get to after work with only leaving a half hour early, and he's finally letting me come every 3 months instead of 2...because of this, it's a no-brainer to keep this dr. as i need him for refills basically and to taper perhaps. i needed a dr easy to go to and not to miss a lot of work hours. the other one would not be possible with my location now for work in the city....it would make me want to take days off on appointment days, and that's not how i want to spend my days off :) so that's why i'm sticking with a crappy dr.
On the other hand, convenience is everything, so I get that too. You know your body best; the doctor is there for advice and guidance.
Yesterday was a good day. Work was busy but not too busy. And I'm happy that today is Thursday, my favorite day of the week.
Today will be hot and humid, but the weekend forecast looks like it will be good. I wish the bugs weren't so bad this year so that I could do more nature walking.
I had a dream 2 nights ago that I was told by my boss and coworkers that I've lost too much weight. That is bothering me, obviously, as it took me a day to talk about this.
Ok I'll get this all out here: so I had that dream Tuesday night and then last night at dinner, just husband and myself, her tells me that I'm "doing" too much, meaning I'm exercising too much. This from a man that has at least 30 pounds to lose.
Well what am I supposed to do??? I exercise in the morning to get my day started right. I relax at night on the bike and watching tv, because just sitting and watching tv drives me nuts.
I brushed off his comments but he really has me honked off. What is it with people thinking they have the right to say **** like this?!?
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
Our weekend forecast is hot, hot, hot. I think I will probably be hiding inside for most of it.
Maybe hubby actually means it, could it be that it is coming from a good place? My grandma always used to worry and talk about about how much I was doing; she couldn't comprehend ever doing that much exercise HERSELF, so it was difficult for her to understand that it was ok for ME to do it, that my body was capable of taking it. Hubby needs to understand that your body is capable, and that exercise makes you happy, and he should be supportive of whatever it is that will help you become the best version of yourself!
i don't take it as too much.
your dream shows OTHERS' comments affecting you. HOWEVER, it's YOUR life. and this book i just read, the Four Agreements is totally about not allowing the DREAM of others and the Society Dream to change YOUR DREAM.
in the end, you have to do what makes you happy, not what makes your husband and coworkers happiest. your husband is not as healthy as you, i don't think you need to take his advice unless you actually agree in your heart. but if you don't agree, keep your routine.
I get flak for not wanting to go to anything that makes me go to bed late, choose ahead of time to eat the wrong foods (I have a hard time staying on track as it is), camping, picking activities that are active and walking around over going ut to eat.
You are so right that my husband could do more for his own health. His enthusiasm comes and goes :/ It's been the source of quite a few loud conversations in our household :(
Came in to work to 45 emails. By the time I sent through the junk, I was down to 29, many from Friday and over the weekend! SSI while not a lot, it was busy enough trying to catch up while addressing new emails as they came in. It's like fighting a tide...
I will check out the 4 Agreements book. And also try the weight loss meditation.
Going over Monday, to avoid similar disappointment and frustration next Thursday: the main obstacle seemed to be no relief from the stress. The doctor's evaluation was over, but no results for 2 weeks+. AND knowing that there is another MORE stressful evaluation coming up next ask, which, again, we won't have results from, for several weeks.
Must keep in mind that very soon, these strange-doctor appointments will all be over.
Add to that uncooperative weather... when Happy says it's too hot to think, I know what she's talking about! It was no fun coming home to humid, caged up in an air conditioned house...
So anyway moving forward today, here and now, going to focus on positive feelings and what I can do now, today.
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
you cannot change the wait time about the evaluation / dr apts. do not spend too much of your energy draining yourself from other activities in life over these appointments now.
i drained my energy on TUESDAY when i skipped the gym after spending extra time on phone and at home before gym, not having enough time to do anything else that night...because i was taking care of insurance stuff...actually worked out well though. but in general, if it's something that has to be, try to go with it ....but i do understand your frustrations. good you are taking off time for the appointment, can give you time to walk / do your own things as well: I am taking off one last day on August 24 and it's to ensure i can exercise and have one last shortened summer week. it's before a wedding the next day also, that i was feeling would be the end all of the weekend...what i'm saying is i planned some extra me-time in so that i don't regret not taking it when i could have! and in this nice weather i hope!
Heading back to work today... the coworker who was monitoring my emails checked in with me last night, letting me know that the boss sent out 2 letters, and that she left with about 30 emails for me to handle. I'm guessing I'll have about 48 emails this morning, adding the emails that come in overnight. Not great but could be worse. At least I know what I'm walking into, today.
Work does not bring me joy. It used to... On the other hand, I've had jobs that I was completely miserable with/at, and this is not one of them by any stretch.
I realized this morning that I forgot to make a doctor's appointment for myself yesterday afternoon. I have new insurance, so I'm starting over with a new doctor, and I'd rather not make that call at work. I WILL do this next Thursday after my husband's next doctor's appointment.
I'm going to plan better for next Thursday, so that I'm not as frustrated or disappointed with my day off.
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
WORK will bring you joy if you want it to....you don't have to be perfect or set expectations that warrant a failure feeling....
any workplace will feel similar...it's YOU that has to adjust your frame of mindset...well...
here's the book:
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
The book starts off quite annoyingly slow for the intro but the rest of the book rolls right thru. it's short read. good for my mindset, which is why i recommended it.
it basically says only you can decide if you want to go thru life feeling upset and not being proud of your choices and constantly judging yourself. or you can decide to change your outlook through working on 4 personal agreements. it's pretty logical and some of it i had to laugh at bc it was a bit too logical / childlike explanation but most of the book is a good reminder to not let life whack you but for you to be YOURSELF and not judge as much.
i like how you will plan Thursday to have a different experience. you can plan to go to a park in afternoon, or plan an actual activity. but if you want to relax, plan for it too.
sounds like you have good plans for everything that you want to do, and you are choosing when to make these things happen. that is good, that is you that is planning for your wants and not leaving them up to someone else lol...good.
No is good....haha, i was reading BCGG's comment :)
Just checking in briefly for the day.... Today is the 1st of 2 important doctor's appointments for my husband. This one is more important but easier to get to. Next Thursday is less important, but a very difficult drive in towards the city.
I hope to have a nice lunch with my husband afterwards, and then just chill out for the remainder of the day, enjoying the rest of my day off from work.
Got home around 1:30p but the whole ordeal had me exhausted. I'm not doing too well with unstructured time.
And my legs and butt hurt like heck from those lunges on Sunday...
also, cardio has been difficult for me, yes, as has been anything involving legs like squats. it takes me a LONG time to improve especially due to the previous injuries. so yes it's not always fun but it's worth it. just like your weights. but i do feel good knowing i am getting stronger / more fit to do better cardio bc i know it's overall good for my heart.
also, i know it's "time" endurance with cardio, but, i have a long term goal right now just to get better and better at a mile or tops 1.5 miles. but really the one mile seems a good goal to just keep improving my time, and keep it up thru the winter this time, instead of taking a break like last Winter from all cardio bc of too much change in schedules..this year i want to keep doing some cardio thru Winter...then i'll see improvement!
Besides, he was wiped out and felt like he had the flu. Very common in days he takes Humira.
and at home, i can't watch them. wow humira wipes him out like that?
So I wanted to expand for myself upon what a couple of members (Gains & Bear) have posted about that have me *really* thinking about where to go from here.
Gains had mentioned in a response to me (to paraphrase) that he's looking for a plan/goal that is enjoyable to work towards and fun. Bear has mentioned that she's at a point in her life where it's time to enjoy and reap the benefits of a life that she and her husband have worked hard for.
This is so spot on. I think this is what I was trying to say about searching for a new TV show to exercise with -- so that I reap the joy from exercising and watching TV in the same space of time.
Allow me to expand on painful exercise that I hate. If you've been reading my story, you know I do not like weight-training -- BUT I *LOVE* the results. Which is why I set up habits that are short (sessions of 5 minutes or less) and doable. Today I did lunges for the first time in a long time - 2 sets of 10. Afterwards I was like, "Great balls of rice, what have I done? My thighs are on fire." But I know that this means I will get results. I'll do this again later on this week. The action doesn't bring me joy but the ACCOMPLISHMENT does.
THIS is what I'm talking about.
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
I read a story about when Jackie O. was dying, and her family surrounded her. She lamented about eating carrot sticks for lunch and how it obviously, in the end, didn't make much difference.
I've been thinner before and not nearly as happy/content, because my goals were misdirected. I feel great with the weight I've lost and lead an active lifestyle because of it. I was not happy being overweight: swollen, out of balance, hard to move, joint pain, clothes didn't fit well, etc.
Where I am at now, those have gone away, so now it's time to focus on maintaining what I have and improving on other aspects of well-being. (Stress, sleep, emotional/spiritual growth, etc.)
really it was well thought out and also something it touches on that i thought about was the "give and take" of life. To get some things, you have to give some things. And not always give things you enjoy.
For instance, the results of your weight routine....you enjoy the results so much that you are taking so you are ok with giving something that you don't particularly love (strength training.)
you know, some of the parts of my routine, i don't think of love. but i do love how i feel when i'm done and the results. the only reason i took on the routine i do right now is for the results and a back of mine goal to be court officer, perhaps. i'm doing my routine bc i want to get things. but it also gives me an endorphin high during it. so, yeah. i probably still GET much more than i give, in regards to weightlifting...and exercise...and that's a GREAT way to think of it! like there's so much good in it, it just makes it so worth it!
I hadn't considered that you might have similar feelings towards cardio. That's a harder goal to work on, because to build endurance, you must engage in the activity longer. Good music can help :-)
Yesterday:
Today:
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
good luck tomorrow on your appt with Hubby...and have a good day. It's been hot so i understand your wanting to use the AC!
UPDATES & PROGRESS REPORTS:
Weigh-in: My weight has stablized, it would seem, at 128.0 on the old scale. On the Ironman scale, it had me at 128.8 which is the lowest I think I've ever seen on that scale, LOL... But I had a revelation yesterday, thanks to something Gains said in his comments, that I'm at the point where the numbers don't really matter to me any more. I've arrived; I need to accept this and MOVE ON already. ***Do I sound like a broken record??*** Again, working my way to - perhaps - weighing in less often. But it's definitely time for me to move from numbers to other types of goals. What those goals might be, I do not yet know. I like what I do, don't want to compete in any races or participate in any kind of group activity - with respect to this.
Advocare on a Budget: Just trying to prove to myself that I don't have to spend a butt-load of $$ on expensive marketing products to get results. I'm about half-way through the bottle of amino acid tablets that I bought for much cheaper than it would cost to buy Advocare's Catalyst product, and I am quite pleased with the results that this supplement has brought. I think it has improved the appearance -- muscle seems to be more defined - and it has helped me recover from exercise faster, so that I don't feel that fatigue in my legs (as much). So I substitute Wal-Mart Energy drink packets to substitute for Spark, the amino acid tablets for Catalyst, I do my own thing with multi-vitamins, and I use a protein powder from Aldi instead of a "meal replacement" shake or protein supplement. I will buy another bottle of the amino acid supplement when I finish the one I have. I really like the results, and I think I've proven my point (to myself).
[DISCLAIMER: If you use Advocare products and you really like them, then go for it. Do and use whatever works for you!!!!]
Secret New Habit: Which isn't really that new, but I've been keeping it under wraps to see if I could honestly make a go at it. I challenged myself - as a last-ditch effort - to incorporate the MINIMAL amount of upper body weight training into my routine. I told myself that I should be able to do a maximum of 5 minutes to using weights. This was a struggle at first, mainly because I kept forgetting to add it into my routine. (Don't really like doing weights.) I allow myself Wednesdays off and the weekend off. It took me about 2 weeks to get this engrained into my brain to do this. The goal was to do 2 sets of 1 muscle group for upper body. Then I found myself doing 2 types of exercise. Then I found myself lifting on Wednesdays. What really helped me stick to this is that I'm starting to see a NICE definition in my arms. Pair this up with the "lean look" from the amino acid supplement and BINGO! I've been toying with trying to do something for the lower body, but.... To recap: I hate weights, but love the results, so I'll keep this up - and for 5 minutes a day, I can certainly do that.
New TV Show Search: Trying to find something to watch at night when I do my additional exercise to unwind from the day, as I only have 5 more episodes of the Great British Baking Show left to watch. There have been a few shows that I've tried on Netflix, but nothing has hit the spot yet. The shows that I thought I'd give a try aren't on Netflix any more -- I suspect they've moved over to BritBox. I have series that I haven't kept up with: Better Call Saul, Orange is the New Black, Walking Dead... But I'm looking for something delightful and/or comforting at the end of the day. Also, I'm looking for something short (30 minute running time) before I resume 45-60 minute exercising during the fall/winter months.
Progress as of today: 58.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
i agree with your weigh-in opinions. i do think less is more. as long as you keep a routine, weigh-ins can be less often if you know what you are doing is right :)
perhaps you will learn to like weights because results may make you realize that you want to lift to keep the results. i am sure it has paid a difference and i'm sure you are so happy that it's all paid off! this is why i love weightlifting. i also love it because of how far i've come (and of course it makes me feel good during and after thanks to the endorphins)...but it's good to go to the gym and work on something and see progress. believe it or not, my routine now i'm not very good at!!! i've only been doing it since around December/January but the cool thing is that i have already improved a bit! i actually used to be embarassed doing some of the squats exercises bc i was so bad at them, but i've improved and that's a good feeling! i think as you improve at weights and keep them in your routine, they will feel like less of a drag!
i've heard great things about all those series. i may start on something too :) maybe download orange is the new black on internet if i can.
good goals, good progress, J donk.
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Just breathe....things always seem to work their way out.....and if it isn't something that you can do anything about today....no need to waste today worrying about it.......I know that when I am anxious....I take Tylenol...and for some reason it works to calm me down...I've never heard it used for that....but somehow...it calms me down.
Thank you for the recommendation to try Tylenol. I think that could work. I don't have any issues with Tylenol, and it could help relax me, too.
happy-1 on 08/12/2018:
Did you know that the desire to buy stuff when stressed is actually tied to our lizard brain stockpiling resources against famine?
Maybe divert him to crafts/projects to get ready for the zombie apocalypse/natural disasters? It's the male version of Martha Stewart. At least these things have some resale value and can be purchased second hand. Or good to comb garage sales/goodwill for. Sell on ebay as a kit.
https://www.backdoorsurvival.com/33-awesome-projects-for-preppers/
Yes... well sort of, I mean, I didn't realize this went back to an instinctual, lizard level. I thought it was just something my husband did when he got stressed out. I think we found a solution that won't cost us anything. And don't add to the accumulation of more stuff!
horn_of_plenty on 08/13/2018:
If your husband isn't working, i'd say how much "stuff" you buy together should mostly be up to you. That's my view as he probably has extra time on his hands to shop now, not working right? he's out of work for now correct?
you are the working one, he will have to listen to you more now...this is my opinion and i stand by it 100%!
horn_of_plenty on 08/13/2018:
try not to stress as much about things you cannot control and outcomes you cannot control with the appointments. ...