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Donkey - Monday Jan 07, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 127.0

So after wandering aimlessly for 7 days, I have a new plan for maintenance for myself.  My goal is to stick with this plan through January.  If I see the progress I want, I will give it another month (February).  If I do not see progress, or things start going in the other direction -- meaning gaining too much weight that isn't muscle -- then I must try something different.

I've been doing more of the keto eating, but haven't quite figured it out yet.  My co-worker, the Million Mistakes Girl, said to me on Friday, "Well, you don't want to lose more weight, do you?"  and I made up a mature, sane answer, and said, "No, but I'm hoping that keto will help me with a leaner appearance."  She seemed satisfied with that.  At the time, I didn't really mean it, but there was the answer right in front of me the whole time.

I am hoping that a shift in menu, to higher fats, will go hand in hand with the weight training, to help me get a leaner look, rather than a "puffy carb" appearance.  I have to be careful with portions, still, and that's the part I didn't really realize.  One of the problems with eating foods higher in fat is that after I stop eating, the "full" feeling turns into a "really full" feeling about 20 minutes later, as my body works to break down the fats.  

Both Saturday and Sunday nights, I've woken up around midnight, just feeling like I'm on fire.  It's not hot flashes, but rather my metabolism kicking it up, trying to burn up what I ate.  I know this because this would always happen after an evening binge.  So I've adjusted the covers on the bed, so as not to have that many layers.  I think I will change my sleepwear outfit as well, in anticipation of getting MUCH warner later on.  And I will work harder on portion control. 

Today, I did better the first half of the day than I did in the afternoon.  Too many pepperoni and cheese with the raw vegetables, I feel.  That may be because the fats make me feel like I've eaten too much -- but who knows, maybe I really did eat too much!

I haven't made up my mind yet about weigh-ins.  On the one hand, this is an experiment, so I have to give it time.  On the other hand, I can't have the numbers go TOO high or it's back to losing weight again.  But I am prepared for some of the mind-games weighing will do, during this experiment.

Progress as of today: 59.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

graindart on 01/07/2019:
Sounds like the plan periods that I like to employ when setting goals. Usually I can commit to just about anything for 1 month at a time. And in my mind, if I don't see any positive results after a month I want to make changes at that time.

Glad your wandering has resulted in a plan of attack.

Donkey on 01/08/2019:
It's ironic that you use "plan of attack" because that is EXACTLY the mind-set I had when I wrote this.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/07/2019:
that's very interesting about waking up "on fire" and i DO KNOW exactly what you mean. when i used to binge very badly, i would also wake up sometimes in a deep sweat, soaking my tshirt and i'd have to change...so i know what you mean.

yeah, at first at least, this is what fats do to me, too. they are good at making you feel satisfied...

i can't wait to hear more.

The good thing about this entry is that you are open to the variables and possibilities. you are open to change, for now, or to at least see what certain choices will produce...good!

Horn_of_plenty on 01/07/2019:
BTW, i LOVED your "mature" answer to the Million Mistakes Girl. Best answer, Donkey!!!

Donkey on 01/08/2019:
Thank you! And if I may say, what I'm most proud about is that, eventually, I came around to really mean what I said. I had an amazing day today -- I truly feel like I'm on the right path.

Donkey - Sunday Jan 06, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 127.0

Having gained weight this past week has given me cause to think about my next steps in this journey.  Nothing like gaining a few pounds to draw one's attention!  It actually brought me back to the idea that this is the year of "remodeling" myself, inside and out.  I had kind of let this idea fade to the back of my mind, unfortunately.  I must remember to keep this in the forefront.

I've decided that, even if the weight gain is related to weight training (((which is really more like toning -- I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to bulk up, at least not right now I'm not))) that this is something I want to continue to do.  Training for significantly larger muscles (especially in the upper body) could be something to aspire to in the future, but not where I want to go right now.  So I'm sticking with the weight traning.  Need to tone up and try to tighten up as much loose skin as possible.

Pursuing a keto lifestyle doesn't mean that I can eat as much as I want.  Some folks can and still lose weight or maintain.  I will be using keto items to help satiate, that is to say, to help me feel fuller, faster and longer.  I still need to be focused on fruits and vegetables as much as possible.

I've been quite pleased with the extra sleep I got Friday night and Saturday night... now just to do this every night.  Last week, I hadn't reached even my minimum goal of 7 hours for most of the nights.  I need to really try harder to get that 7 hour mark, especially in the winter, with colds, flu, and sinus infections coming at me from every direction.

Still would like to incorporate yoga/stretching into my life on more than just a monthly basis with Chair Yoga.  This would also help with my "less negative, more relaxed, more positive" outlook.  I've made a switch from where I just complain to where I complain but then attack the problem.  I would like to graduate to just attacking the problem with no or little complaining.

To recap where I'm at:

  • Continue weight-training, screw the numbers on the scale.
  • Continue a moderate keto plan, but eat more vegetables and fruit, whether they are deemed "keto" or not, e.g. grapefruit, eggplant, carrot sticks, etc.
  • Make a concerted effort to get enough sleep every night.
  • Make a conerted effort to stretch out, relax, and decompress more often, on a regular basis.
  • Continue to declutter, even on the smallest level.  Contribute to my designated "to be donated" pile every week (food pantry, clothing drive, library, Goodwill, etc.)
  • Clean something out of the ordinary every week; continue to clean 15 minutes a day, even if it's the routine kitchen clean-up during the workweek.

AFTERNOON EDIT:  Well, if anyone thought it would be easy on maintenance, I can tell you that by way things are going today, it is not.  I've been struggling with the Christmas can of salted nuts (mostly almonds & pecans) that my mom gave our family as a gift.  

Part of the problem is constipation, and in order to get things moving along, my body seems to think that eating more is a good idea.  I've taken some oil to help things along once they get moving, but OOF! so uncomfortable --- on many levels.

Progress as of today: 59.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 01/06/2019:
Even if you gain muscle weight, you will become a smaller size, so congrats on your decision to be as healthy as you can be continuing your workouts.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/06/2019:
def in support of continuing with the weight training as you know by now that you will not "bulk up" as a woman, weight training, in your 40's without some serious supps and juicing lol like the men do!

...be right back gotta get the laundry...

Horn_of_plenty on 01/06/2019:
ty for urging me not to waste delicious food. i have veggies in the slow cooker which i can keep on overnight if i have to since i put it on sorta late so they may not be ready by the time i go to bed! and i cooked up 4 turkey burgers, which i had bought last weekend and were still fresh to make and i'm just so glad i didn't get lazy and throw the meat out! thanks. i will NOT be wasting food at all now :) everything like fresh cranberries are in the freezer along with even some of the baked desserts i made last week. when i come back i'll have some things ready to eat :) thanks :)

Horn_of_plenty on 01/07/2019:
yeah - some folks who do keto, particularly men or big folks, can lose weight eating most of what they want but people like you and me still will gain weight if we consume more calorie in than out.

also, a lot of keto stuff will not have lots of fiber or be bulky so it's important to get the veggies particularly in! :)

Horn_of_plenty on 01/07/2019:
see what i mean, with the constipation...maybe also google what works to get things moving with constipation / on keto...

OhioRaven on 01/07/2019:
Sounds like you are in "Beast Mode" with your training. Keep it up. I would say screw the numbers too. Health is wealth.

Donkey on 01/07/2019:
Thank you - I hadn't thought of it as "Beast Mode". I would say that's more reflective of where my motivation is, rather than the amount of weight I lift.

Incorporating this into a new plan/experiment for myself

graindart on 01/07/2019:
Sounds like we're kind of in a similar place. Just trying to figure out a direction that appeals to us and is also something we're willing to actually stick to. My mind has been all over the place this past week. I keep thinking I've figured out a direction I'd like to pursue. And just as quickly, I decide to scrap that idea by sabotaging it. I don't think my sabotage is intentional, but rather just that the plan of attack really wan't enough of a draw to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Hoping we both find a plan worth working towards......sooner, rather than later.

Donkey on 01/07/2019:
Yes, I formulated a new plan for myself, which I'm going to try for January and possibly February, and then re-evaluate.

I had the pieces of the plan all along, I just couldn't figure out how they fit.

graindart on 01/07/2019:
And I wanted to comment on something you'd mentioned in some prior reply.....about "shame".

Concerning food, I feel shame every time I screw up. Logically I know I shouldn't, but I do. I know that I'm not created to be a 100% perfect person, but I still feel the shame when I stumble. Foodwise, I had a major screwup yesterday and I'm ashamed of it. I contemplated not weighing myself this morning. I also considered not posting here today because of it. I don't like showing my failures, but know that pretending they didn't happen doesn't work either (and commonly leads to my feeling additional guilt for hiding it). So I weighed myself this morning and posted this morning too. I'm still ashamed of my eating last night and embarrassed by the scale showing 9 lbs heavier than just a few days ago, but at least I don't have to add guilt for trying to hide it this time.

Donkey on 01/07/2019:
I've worked very hard not to feel shame when I binge -- and I think as a result, I don't do it much any more. I used to feel just awful and would be very depressed about failing at eating.

Now, I try to evaluate what emotion I'm trying to feed with food. I look at my bingeing self as a child, and I try to help that child. I wouldn't crash down on a child who was hurting and struggling, so why would I do that to myself? (my own inner child, if you will)

What bothers me, personally in myself, is when I try to hide it, I think because it's a step away from self-acceptance (see my reference to inner child, above).

Donkey - Saturday Jan 05, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 127.0

Today's weigh-in just goes to show that there is no "before" and "after".  I remember a phrase from one of the Harrpy Potter books:  CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  I think that would apply to my situation.

In trying not to be discouraged, I am remembering some advice from fellow DD-er's:  this is just a snapshot in time and not reflective of anything permanent or long-term.  And that this is just one aspect of my life, that it doesn't have to reflect on the other parts of my life or my day... except with respect to anything that I eat.

This gain could be due to a number of factors:  salt bloat, mild constipation, hormones, feeling like I'm fighting something all week (sinus infection? flu?), shortage of decent sleep, all of the above, some of the above, none of the above...

Not sure if it has to do with the shift to higher fats a la keto, but that's something I've considered.  Also, even though I've done low-carb now for a while, I've considered the possibility that with the recent changes in diet, that yesterday's feeling might have been a slight case of the "keto flu".... maybe.  Daughter is sick with a sinus infection, husband complained he didn't feel well this morning, Girl Who Makes A Million Mistakes has been sick (and at work) for the past 2 weeks...

One thing, I've been fairly consistent with some weight-training, and once again, I'm wondering if that has something to do with the higher number.  It seems as though EVERY time I start working with weights, the numbers on the scale go up.  Just an observation, because it's EVERY.  TIME.  And it's not even heavy weights.  Just sayin'...

Chair Yoga went well last night.  I hadn't realized how tense I was, physically speaking, until we were stretching out.  Wow...  and it wasn't even a really stressful day, although I did have several LONG telephone conversations with needy clients.  Another thing I noticed is how limited my husband's mobility has become.  It's just sad to see it, but he said he had a good time. We should continue to do this, as long as the husband is willing.

I ended up ordering a salad rather than the salad bar, afterwards.  It's a nice little low-key date night.

Oh one thing that I wanted to mention --- I meant to add this to my goals for 2019 --- and this is on my plan for this weekend is to really catch up on my sleep.  Once again, I have not slept enough this week, even with the weighted blanket.  The one night I thought I had gotten enough sleep, the FitBit didn't register a sleeping pattern until just after midnight.  I'm not sure if it was a malfunction of the FitBit or if something was going on where my body had physically not dropped into one of the various sleep stages... not sure. So last night, I went to bed at around 9:30p and slept in until 6:30a-ish, rather than getting up at my usual 5am or 5:30a.  I MUST GET MORE SLEEP.  

EVENING EDIT:  I didn't talk about this, but I did some cleaning last weekend and prepped for some donating/decluttering this weekend.  Haven't done much cleaning this weekend, except for laundry and the normal kitchen clean-up.  Oh I did clear up the basement floor, so that counts, especially since that took some effort and I needed help from my son.  I will be taking 2 batches of books to the library to donate.  It's a small start, but it's a start.

I made low-carb "garlic knots" with fathead dough to go with the chicken soup (made with bone broth that my husband made earlier this week - delicious!).  I ended up having to make the "knots" into "knobs" because the dough was unworkable once it cooled down (which I did because I read somewhere that the dough is easier to work with when it has set and chilled for a little bit).  

I'm enjoying trying to make these new creations.  I'm not normally one to cook or bake - the less I have to do with food, the better, is how I've always felt.  But now, I'm enjoying the process, rather than trying to run away from it.

Progress as of today: 59.5 lbs lost so far, only -9.5 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 01/05/2019:
I found a long time ago that if I did a lot of exercise, it stalled my weightloss (muscle gain, as BC said). I think tape measure is better to go by than scale, really, or how our clothes fit.

Donkey on 01/05/2019:
I agree that if I want to keep exercising - especially with weights (upper body) or resistance (lower body), that I'm going to have to change my focus. Getting away from the scale was one of my next steps anyway.

I was really of 2 minds about weighing in this morning -- ALMOST skipped it, because I think the first step to walking away from the scale numbers is to embrace the numbers whatever they may be.

graindart on 01/05/2019:
Sounds very similar to my exercise experiences. Whenever I'd do some basic exercise like walking, I'd rarely have a favorable scale number. It's not like I was doing enough to actually gain muscle, so I don't know what was going on. Maybe exercising holds onto some liquid substance somewhere.....

Hate when I behave and eat as I'm supposed to and the scale just sticks its tongue out at me in return.

Donkey on 01/05/2019:
Oh my word, this is ME - exactly what you said!

Horn_of_plenty on 01/05/2019:
i was trying to comment on facebook but i was out and think i never did comment in regard to the scale being up and Josie saying to watch the fats...

I also wanted to "agree" and was gonna point out that Josie doesn't agree with me on counting calories...she finds it annoying lol which makes sense...but, it's good to realize that keto or no keto, calories in versus calories out matter.

your weight can also be up if you had lots of filling veggies or salt or fibrous things? like eggplant?

Donkey on 01/05/2019:
The difference this week was that I had more fats/proteins and less fruits and vegetables, because "grapefruit isn't keto" -- well screw that. What helped me keep the numbers lower was lots of vegetables, preferably raw (for bulk) with dressing or dip, and fresh fruit (grapefruit, orange, apple, melon --- none of which are "keto" -- again, screw that). THAT is what works.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/05/2019:
oh! also with the weightlifting, to gain muscle first it's about the stretching of the msuscle fibers which get inflamed and then grow bigger. maybe this process of inflamation causes weight gain just around when you lift??

so perhaps the chair yoga is good if it DID HELP you stretch out.

yes, sleep is a game-changer when you get it more often than less. it helps me and makes my workouts amazingly stronger. i also am in a MUCH happier mood when i sleep. Like, MUCH HAPPIER.

lately the only way i'm running around and getting things done is also with more sleep included to keep me going which has been sorta easy to catch up on sleep being that i live alone so when i'm home it's fully my choice what i'm up to...

like today, after getting hair done, it was around 1:30 and i was very tired from running around and eating after being pretty hungry...i took an hour nap (not even setting clock, just getting up whenever i woke up) and boy, did it help.

when you cut sleep during the week as much as me and you sometimes do, adding in extra sleep on the weekends becomes pretty simple because we can use it. and it doesn't even affect how i sleep on Sundays lately. i just need the sleep. keep on!

Donkey on 01/05/2019:
Exactly! And where I went wrong this week on sleep was not going to bed early enough. Simple as that.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/05/2019:
oh, i also agree with Maria's comments about too much exercise not good (i don't think applies to you - just saying i agree lol)

and i agree what she said about how the clothes fit versus the scale.

right now, actually, on my account of my own body, i'm about "firming up / strengthening up) and NOT about further fat loss. I'm at the end of that journey (though maintenance does require keeping attuned to what's going on so i don't gain duh it's always on the radar!).

but, i am trying to keep the muscle growth going. this is the only thing that helps clothes fit better and more flattering. that's it!

Horn_of_plenty on 01/05/2019:
listen, as long as you are having the real fruit and not juice, i'd say "screw it" that they aren't keto also. they are so delish and filling. especially a grapefruit. maybe not keto, but one of the lowest in cals anyways, def enjoy!!!! and berries, they are considered keto, fyi, in small amounts. just fyi, josie loves her berries haha. i've been friends with her on Fb for years.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/05/2019:
it's hard to sleep perfectly as a working person. it's ok not to be perfect every night if you literally can't. i'm with you on that...grrr but ah well. the more nights that you do sleep the better. that's all we can do!

graindart on 01/05/2019:
It's like we're twins today. I did some mild cleaning of kitchen cupboards / reorganizing the pantry. Followed by some baking, which I rarely do. Made some cereal bars, from-scratch pizza crust, and from-scratch cookies with some extra ingredients I wanted to use up. And just ate a nice sweet grapefruit a minute before logging-in here.

Donkey on 01/06/2019:
LOL - I feel cool now :)

Horn_of_plenty on 01/05/2019:
that's nice you are donating the books! you will make some people very happy! to make you feel better, i'm debating not doing any more laundry (skipped it today) until i get home since i packed already most everything, the laundry can simply wait. LOL. i'll see how i feel tomorrow.

OMG your fathead dough and soup with bone broth sounds AMAZING. AMAZING!!!

like you, i'm at a point in dieting and maintenance where i enjoy new things. i run less. And more and more I can start to just estimate what i'm eating and where it falls into place. I can gauge calories on most things, but still have a little trouble with desserts and sweets in estimating of cals.

It's more fun for me, like you, to experiment and do new things. It keeps things interesting rather than dull in maintenance land.

Donkey on 01/06/2019:
Good points! I'll be writing a little more about what you've touched on here.

Ironically enough, most of the books I'm donating are cookbooks -- very easy, practical recipes but it's stuff I just don't eat.

Donkey - Friday Jan 04, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 124.5

Logging in at work, on my phone, as I am really struggling today.  I am SO hungry today, but I do not think it is true hunger.   I do not know if I am getting sick,  or if I am tired,  or what is going on.  I am not sure if I will be up to weighing in tomorrow...

Tonight is Chair Yoga with my husband,  and then date night at the local mom & pop diner,  which has a salad bar.  That sounds just about right to me,  but I might change my mind.  Afterall that holiday eating, I am not that enthusiastic about eating out, but oh well...

Progress as of today: 62 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

graindart on 01/04/2019:
Struggling here with eating plan myself right now. I don't have any suggestions, but just letting you know I'm in the same boat.....

Donkey on 01/05/2019:
It was not a good weigh-in this week. I don't understand this.

Donkey - Thursday Jan 03, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 124.5

Wow, what an exciting day I had! 

It started off before I even left the house for work, with an idea that I had for our Associate Attorney.  I texted him the idea, so that if he wanted to follow through with my idea, he'd have time to think it over and plan it out.  I admit that I was kind of excited about my idea.  Then, at work, with the boss gone, I was busier at work, with emails and correspondences.  Before I knew it, it was time to leave for the well & septic seminar.  I met up with the attorney there, and he LOVED my idea!  And like I had hoped, he thought about it and planned out what he was doing to do during the long drive from home to the courthouse, and then from the courthouse to the restaurant/seminar.  He was really enthusiastic about my idea!

Anyway, back to diet-chat, much to my relief, we were able to order off of a limited menu with a choice of two:  soup, salad, sandwich, pasta.  Perfect!  I chose something quite keto and delicious: roast beef sandwich (without the bread) with 2 types of cheese and a wedge salad with bacon and bleu cheese.  So delicious and filling!

But the information in the seminar was so interesting!  (LOL bear with me here.)  I almost didn't want to eat, I was so enmeshed in the presentation about septic systems gone bad.  Fascinating!  And yes, the Power Point presentation had many, many pictures of malfunctioning septic tanks, septic fields, septic trenches, broken wells, contaminated wells, etc.  My hunger for septic knowledge surpasses my hunger for food!  [This probably makes me rather unique, I realize that.]

When I returned to work, I was quite busy, as the seminar/lunch kept me away from the emails for 3 hours.  Much of the work to be done revolved around files that are getting ready to close next week.  There is much to be done from the time the loan is ready until we close, so I was busy about that.  But, the Associate Attorney thanked me again for my idea (in front of others) and followed through on it.  I hope that my boss finds out about this when he returns.  I actually have a LOT of ideas for our Associate Attorney, but I realize that I have to approach this in very small steps, because I don't want to step on other people's toes in the office.

So anyway, I'm at my desk and at around 4:30p, my husband texts me urgently that my son has been called by the Air Force recruiter to meet him at the recruiting office ASAP to take his push-up test right then and there.  Oh. My. Goodness.  My son's entire future to be decided in less than an hour.  If he passes, then he will rejoin the military.  If he fails, then I do not know what, because, frankly, Plan B was not very hopeful or fruitful.  I didn't know what else to do, so I asked for prayers on Facebook.  On my way home, I had this feeling that he had failed - hard to explain, just had a feeling.  Could not fathom what on earth he would do if he failed this test, after all that training.

But this was for naught, because when I arrived at home, I found out that he had passed his push-up test and surprassed the required minimum, by doing 38 in a minute.  This is not his personal best, which I believe is 45 push-ups in a minute, but all he had to do was do 33, and he did it.  I was so relieved and thankful and happy.  My son was upset that I posted on Facebook, although I kept it very vague.  I told him that once folks knew that everything was OK, that I would delete the post.  Actually, I'm not going to delete it but rather change the privacy setting so that only I can see it in my timeline.

Wow, what a day!  Let's see if I can get to sleep after such a day!

Progress as of today: 62 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 01/03/2019:
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooo sooooooo SOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU & YOUR SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just so proud of him. that he kept practicing and working on it! it's so amazing!!!

When you find out more, please share about your son! Your entire entry had me by the seat of my pants!

So about this entry! It was very engaging. i was actually reading it i think with my mouth open because there was so much suspense! for real!

i would like to know more about the idea you gave the associate attorney! and i'm glad you have a good relationship with him.

If i were in your boat at the lunch session presentation, i honestly would also have enjoyed it too. I'd be with you, the rare few who'd rather enjoy the presentation than miss it by stuffing my face to no return haha.

but for real, i love receiving new info also, like you, and learning more about things. and it seems the pictures and presentation was an overall higher quality so you got lucky and got a change of pace for the day.

i'm glad you got to go out and learn some new info and do something different because the more knowledge you have, the better off you are!

enjoy your night and super kudos congratulations to your SON! that is outstanding and i'm just so happy for your family!

graindart on 01/03/2019:
Nice to have one of those days where everything seems to come together in your favor.

Maria7 on 01/04/2019:
So happy for you!

Donkey - Wednesday Jan 02, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 124.5

Kind of a mish-mash day, but I'll try to keep things focused on diet, etc.

Today was my boss' last day for about a month, while he spends January in Florida.  This is something that he does every year.  In some ways, I couldn't wait for him to leave.  I find myself growing so impatient with the office small-talk lately:  what did you get for Christmas? what did you have for dinner?  how was the evening last night? blah blah blah.  On the other hand, I *feel* very unprepared for his absence this time.  I know that I'm not:  I've done this for at least 3 years, our associate attorney is here, I have knowledgeable co-workers with whom I can consult, and the workload is still relatively light.  But his absence will mean more work and more responsibility for me, and the thought of that is stressing me out.

NOTE TO HORN:  I can totally relate when you talk about your mind being on Florida.  That has been my boss since Christmas.

Tomorrow, the Associate Attorney and I are attending a well & septic seminar luncheon.  If you are questioning the compatability of discussing septic systems while eating lunch, you are not alone.  The Nice Lady co-worker said, Gee, I hope they don't have a slide show with pictures of septic systems gone wrong.  Yeah I hope not either - right?  This will be very helpful knowledge to have, since we've had so many transactions that have had septic issues (some well issues too, but those are usually not as complicated as septic), so I have REALLY been wanting to attend something like this -- JUST NOT AT LUNCH.

Secondly, the luncheon is at an Italian restaurant that I am not a fan of.  I am not a fan of the restaurant due to a previous experience with bad service there.  Husband and I haven't been back since.  PLUS, now that I'm embracing low-carb/keto life, eating a bunch of pasta really isn't helpful.

Thirdly, I'm going with the Associate Attorney, who I have mixed feelings about.  As you know, from past entries, I have mixed feelings about ALL of my co-workers (except Queen Bee; her I pretty much do not like and know this for sure).  I'm very particular about who I will eat with....  Well, I guess if he sat across from me at the Office Christmas Party, it won't be too bad going to this with him.

Side note:  Hormone issues made for a painful day and possibly contributed to the unexplained back spasms I had this morning, until the OTC pain relievers kicked in.   Ovulation is a *****.  (Sorry, Maria, for the swears.)

Progress as of today: 62 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

graindart on 01/02/2019:
Probably depends on the restaurant, but the chain ones usually have some type of steak / chicken option paired with broccoli or some other low-carb option. At Olive Garden I like the beef medallions with blue cheese crumbles, along with some side veggie.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/03/2019:
Happy 1st day of work of 2019, you J-Donkey!

I think you are just anxious for your boss to leave, that's all. That's why it's bothering you a lot. I think. I think you just want it to happen already! :) Yep, the office small talk. It'll always be there, if you can use headphones a bit in january for parts of the day, it can help you concentrate and not listen to their small talk all day. if you hvae a music app on your phonoe, you can plug in the headphones (little ones i mean) so only you can hear the music and it can drown them out a bit. i now use headphones during parts of the "quiet" workdays especially when my one coworker is not in the shared office with me. it makes the day go better. music doesn't really kill my concentration, unless i'm doing something new or that requires a lot of thought. then, the music goes off for a bit.

Remember, there's always salad or veggies anywhere. you can request it. OR, just go with tea / coffee / seltzer. buy a seltzer if you want to bring with you. or bring your own stuff with you. never worry about people's judgements on what you eat or your lifestyle. you are ok. enjoy the luncheon. you don't have to have pasta. you can say you are "gluten free." haha. i hope there'll be an option. fill up on seltzer or diet coke or something, lady. just get thru :) maybe you can have a treat of your own when it's over before driving home, to enjoy with tea or seltzer - those awesome fat bombs.

It won't be bad going with him :)

Sorry about the annoying pain. It will pass :) I'm glad at least the OTC has helped!

It's thursday! one more week till another weekend :)

haha :) thank you for the special note about you relating to my mind on florida! :) now, it's OFF florida because it's coming so close but i am totally unable to think much about it or plans because of work...i guess i'm having the thoughts where it's coming so close but there's not much i can do leading up to it now...haha...and i'll figure it out there! but like your boss, my mind is on VACATION and how to stay healthy and try not to overdo until next Wednesday! omg, it's coming so soon!

legcramps on 01/03/2019:
Hope you're feeling a lot better by the time you go to the luncheon. I agree with HoP, I use headphones at work sometimes when I need to drown out the outside office noise. Sometimes people can be so disrespectful! I've overheard full-on private conversations and gossip like you wouldn't believe! (or maybe you would).

Maria7 on 01/03/2019:
Haha, Donkey! Well, one day you want have 'that' to be concerned with...it will be a distant memory... Hope your luncheon goes well...Have a good day.

Donkey - Tuesday Jan 01, 2019
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 124.5

(Note to Self:  no New Year's Day weigh-in.  Use this number from last weigh-in on 12/29.)

Had Chinese take-out with the family and then settled in to watch Twilight Zone for the rest of the evening.  My daughter went to a party held by her best friend from high school, but came home at 12:30a due to not feeling well. The rest of us did our own thing, which is fine.  Nice and quiet.

Despite managing to stay up until 11:04p, I woke up at 5am -- got out of bed at 5:20a -- to do my usual exercise routine.  I realize - now - that I haven't really stated any goals for 2019, but these are a few things I would like to work on:

  1. Conscious relaxation - physical and mental/emotional.  Ideally, on a daily basis:  stretching/yoga, deep breathing, prayer.
  2. Keeping a cleaner house.  15 minutes daily.  Will invest $ in getting the house deep-cleaned, which will then be easier to maintain. Start a decluttering habit.
  3. Changing my relationship with food.  Exploring and trying keto recipes, having fun with this, rather than seeing restrictions.

I'll be seeing a doctor on January 18th.  I haven't been to the doctor since 2009? 2010?  Time to get an assessment.   

Progress as of today: 62 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

graindart on 01/01/2019:
I made all the way until about 10p-10:30p before falling asleep. Woke up to a barrage of fireworks at midnight. Quickly fell back asleep and got up for the day around 3:30am-4am. Seems like 3:30am-4am is becoming more and more of a pattern over the past couple months. Don't know why. Seems to be working out fine, so why fight it I guess.

Haven't decided on any new year goals, but #1 on your list would be good for me to adopt.

Maria7 on 01/01/2019:
Happy New Year's day! LOVE your goals for this year. Praying your Daughter feels better.

Horn_of_plenty on 01/01/2019:
Chinese Takeout and Twilight Zone with family sounds nice and relaxing!

I hope your daughter is feeling better today. I like to leave New Years at midnight anyways. isn't that late enough! haha. maybe not when you're 19.

Oh wow, you've not been to the dr in even longer than me! Good for you to go and get that done! I'll be doing it right alongside you in February.

I like your goals they are all attainable and something to strive for. Most of it are goals that take time and have no "due date." i'm right alongside you again. just looking to expand my horizons and less limiting :)

Donkey - Sunday Dec 30, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 124.5

I think that I have a small touch of a cold/sinius infection, which I am doing my best to avoid becomeing full-blown congestions.  

I did go to the church-lady dinner, and I'm glad that I did, but while I had planned to leave at 6pm, I didn't get out of there until closer to 8:45p.  It was 9p when I got home.  It was a smaller group this time, and most of the "fun" gals didn't show up, but I appreciated the smallness of the group.  It was 4 older, widowed women (except for 1 whose husband has Parkinsons), and then 3 of us "younger" (meaning 40-50) gals, of which I was the only married one; the other 2 are divorced.  It was interesting to hear the older women talking because I figure that's me in about 15-20 years, presuming I stay in good health.  Or if not me, then where my mom is at now.  The anniversary of my step-father's passing is coming up in January....  

Anyway, back to diet-chat, not very keto/low-carb friendly at all.  Long story short, I ended up having a small green salad, and Italian sausage and meatballs (probably made with bread crumbs, so now low-carb).  I passed on the mostaccioli.  And I could not resist nibbling -- I swear, literal nibbles - on a few cookies.  Why can't I just pass this stuff up?????  SO FRUSTRATED -- to me, this tells me that I'm not really in maintenance, still needs work on that.

Which brings me to a realization I had this morning, when I read Gains entry (& Bear's comment) and Bear's entry.  Gains mentioned today that he is tired; yesterday he wrote about incorporating (maybe) some kind of fitness goal once he reaches maintenance.  Bear mentioned that she's looking forward to a time when she doesn't have to count points any more.  THIS is what I'm struggling with, but just couldn't identify properly. 

I'M AFRAID OF BEING IN MAINTENANCE.  Is this why I lost more weight after my goal weight?  Is that why I'm trying keto?  Shouldn't maintenance be about being able to relax a little?  It seems to me as though there should be some incorporation of beingn able to relax a little bit.  For example, perhaps my dinner outing last night WAS a successful practice of wise choices and moderation.  So why doesn't it FEEL like a success?  Last night's dinner as a "maintenance success" just occured to me -- I was looking at it as a keto failure rather than a maintenance success - if it was that; it certainly didn't feel like a success....

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm not comfortable in this "After" life:  loose clothing, new wasy of eating, consistent (compulsive?) on the exercising.  Wow...

Progress as of today: 62 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

graindart on 12/30/2018:
While I've been working hard to get to my weight goal and maintenance-land, I know that the beginning of maintenance is going to be anything but relaxing for me this time. I've been down that route a few times where I've made it to some goal and then completely relaxed and started "living" (translation = back to eating whatever / whenever). That's what happened earlier this year to me. I was in the 170's for the first 5 months of this year, but after reaching goals, I relaxed and ended up gaining 40 lbs in 10 weeks. Which has caused the past 4 months of constant calorie counting in order to get back down around goal weight again.

So this time, I won't be relaxing at the beginning of maintenance. It will still be a struggle, just with a few more daily calories allowed. Also on the days where I'm still <170 lbs on my morning daily weigh-in, I won't be recording my food. Mentally I'll still be limiting myself, but it will be a little less formal. I'm fully expecting to hover around 169-172 for awhile, before hopefully settling into the high 160's. I'm expecting to fully struggle with maintenance for the first few months. As I get more used to it, I'm expecting to be able to start relaxing slowly. Maybe I'll be at a place by early Summer where maintenance is mostly just my new way of life? Or maybe I never get to that point and it's always a bit of a struggle? I don't know the answer at this point. When I weighed 283, I had various minor issues / troubles / insecurities / etc. Now that I weigh 100 lbs less I still have minor issues / troubles / insecurities / etc. The issues and other things are different based on the different weights, but neither were completely easy. So I guess if I'm going to have minor issues anyway, I'd rather be at this thinner healthier weight while dealing with them.

My wife and daughters don't worry a bit about their weight and are all thin / healthy. They don't have to work at it and it just happens. They can relax. I really want that to be me. But I don't think that's ever going to fully be a possibility. Seems like everyone has their own struggles and own strengths. I don't want food / weight to be my "forever" struggle, but am slowly coming to the possibility that it might be. On my vacation, spent quite a bit of time talking with an aunt, brother-in-law, and mother-in-law that have all been obese most of their lives. They are all nearing their own goal weights this year / early next year (again). Them and myself all discussed the same exact tendencies and issues with food / dieting / maintenance. On the other side of the spectrum is my father-in-law, sister-in-law, wife, kids, nephews. They all eat whatever they want, yet remain slim. Why did they hit the food / weight / metabolism lottery?????? Again I don't know. The only thing I do know is that at present and for the forseeable near future, I have to be vigilant concerning my food intake. Someday I hope that changes, but when I initially enter maintenance I'm sure it'll be anything but relaxing.

Sorry for the somewhat rambling lengthy reply. It's more for myself in just working out my own thoughts / plans / future.....

Donkey on 01/01/2019:
I'm finding it difficult to relax. Hence, switching to keto, so that I have something new to work on.... when really it would probably serve me better to focus on relaxing more, in different ways, in different aspects of my life.

graindart on 12/30/2018:
I guess "maintenance" isn't a reward for reaching my goal weight, like I once thought it would be. It's just a change in focus to a new goal...... And unfortunately if done right, the maintenance goal has no end. With time I do hope that it becomes second nature and thus doesn't occupy my brain anywhere near as much as it currently does.

graindart on 12/30/2018:
BTW - I see your recent weeks of entries as being a huge success in maintaining. Watching you and HOP maintain your numbers gives me hope that I can do it too. I'm under no false pretenses that maintenance is a rose garden, but it has to suck less than fighting every day to lose weight. You're occasionally eating what you want / desire, but limiting the number of those days so that you aren't gaining fat / weight. Yours is the basic model I'm expecting to follow when initially entering maintenance. Most days my food choices are going to be limited / boring, but once per week or so I'm planning to eat stuff that I enjoy and do my best to not feel guilty for doing it......

If you're like me, time will be a main factor in when you finally start to feel more relaxed.

Donkey on 01/01/2019:
I agree that time will probably play the biggest part in getting to "relaxed". Also, from the previous comment, I would rather that this whole diet/exercise stuff didn't consume so much of my daily energy.

Some days, it's OK: I like to try recipes, exercise, whatever. Other days, it's like, wish I were naturally thin.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/31/2018:
my day too, ending up wayyyy longer than original plans on going out with a friend. for next time, we should both keep an open mind to how the night / day will roll out as it can be unexpected from what we thought! maybe also keep a "backup" excuse for if you really did want to go...i'm glad i also rolled with the flow though because it was a nice change of pace to spend the day with someone instead of alone. like you, it was nice to spend the time with company :)

sounds like you ate really well, donkey. being very moderate. if i were at the party, i'd eat very similarly if not the same as you! a few grains in your meatballs aren't going to throw you. i'd take a sweet cookie too. you're normal! taking a few is better than going home to eat the whole house!

Donkey on 01/01/2019:
One thing I really appreciate about your diaries is that it shows that one can eat more and still be healthy at maintenance.

I'm glad I went too. Being an introvert, sometimes I have to push myself to get out. I'm usually glad that I did (go out), just the act of stepping out is the hardest part.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/31/2018:
I totally understand how you feel. I think you are still getting used to maintenance and still enjoying trying out new things.

I'd be totally bored if someone told me i have to only eat the same thing for breakfast, for example, for the rest of my life. Spice of life. It's good to change things up. Life is meant for experiences and even people like us who enjoy a routine and counting and all...we like a change or a break. as much as we like the scale, we hate the scale. as much as we like having a job, we like a vacation from that job. as much as we like exercise, we sometimes want a break from exercise...etc etc...

so, it's only (in my opinion) normal that you'd want to continue on the journey you are on the try new things.

but we all know, all of us right now on this site, that "diets don't work." it's the whole lifestyle change of learning how to incorporate everything we've learned along the way into our individual lifestyles to make it work for each of us. so that's what you are doing.

like i said to you the other day, carbs promote happiness. let me look it up exactly so i can be more accurate now..but there's a reason we eat them.

why i do keto desserts is because they "stick with me" longer at times...and the biggest reason besides some calories being knocked down is that they don't create the "sugar high and then sugar low" and then me feeling extra hungry. this is a main reason i like my low sugar "keto" baking. so i can eat the junk, but in my head i believe it's less junky. that's why i like keto.

however, the reason i'm not fully keto and wouldn't want to be, personally, is because i like carbs and they do make me feel good. they provide energy when i'm low or help pep me up for a workout.

i just like how keto, especially sweet things, is another alternative to help me stick better with calories and feeling decent and not "high and then low" after having a traditional dessert.

but that cheesecake isn't so filling...i will not make it again soon because it's not so satisfying. makes me want to eat more and more. grrr.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/31/2018:
so here's one nice article that will make you feel not so bad about carbs:


Horn_of_plenty on 12/31/2018:
and this article is a bit of a wordy-doozy to read, but the title of the article and the last sentence are the exact point i'm trying to make which is that carbs do help you feel good, but of course in moderation but they are good for you when eaten as part of a healthy diet of course!:


Horn_of_plenty on 12/31/2018:
my friend Josie on fb on the site and pages we are on, i think she's highly motivational because she's so into whatever challenge she goes on (like her fast), but i myself am not eager to do anything like she does or to attempt to replicate what's good for her on myself. i am her fan and love how she dives into things full steam ahead!

Donkey on 01/01/2019:
I do not think I could ever do long-term fasting like she does, nor would I WANT to fast.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/31/2018:
she hasn't always been keto and does go off it at times, btw. but with her one thing is clear, she doens't half -a $$ anything. i seriously don't know where her drive comes from!

Donkey - Saturday Dec 29, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 124.5

Things are back to normal in the weigh-in world.  My 0.5 scale weighed me in lower than my 0.2 Ironman scale by about 1.5 pounds.  After last night's anniversary dinner, I'm surprised that the numbers were pretty much where I've been.  Maybe I would have had an awesome weigh-in if it were not for the fancy dinner, but it was a wonderful night out with my husband.

Tried to keep the choices along the keto guidelines, but had hummus with roasted vegetables.  (Beans are a no-go on keto but great on paleo.)  As a gift, the server brought us a little champagne (delicious but not keto) which was so nice.   Little did she know that I would have preferred a chocolate covered strawberry, but that's OK. It was a lovely gesture on her part.  And the overall experience was better, too.  Sometimes it gets really loud and really crowded.  It was not so loud this time.  And it was busy, but not packed.  Perfect for what I like.  It's definitely a "special occasion" place for us.  I would not go there for just any dinner, although you could.

I was very full when we left.  And I could tell that the food had been salty (as to be expected when dining out), so I was rather delightfully surprised this morning with the weigh-in.  I almost didn't weigh-in.  I mean, why set myself up for an end-of-the-year disappointment.  In the end, I decided to stick to the routine and hold myself accountable.  After all, if I had gained 4 pounds this week, feeling all bloated and stuff, then I need to know that so that I can work on it.

In addition to the list of holiday eating events list, my church lady retreat group is meeting for an end of the year party tonight.  *sigh*  I had been debating with myself as to whether I should go or not.  It's definitely out of my comfort zone, and the last thing I need is another eating event, right?  But sometimes I have to push myself to be more social, and I haven't seen these ladies in a LONG time, and it's good to have connections and hear how everyone has been doing this year.  Most of us are connected on Facebook, but sometimes it's just nice to be face-to-face.  Me going to this dinner will allow husband and son to see Aquaman and then grab a hamburger somewhere.  I have NO interest in either of these things.  Daughter has to work and has no interest in the movie.

If this dinner were not happening today, I'd be completely A-OK with just staying home and doing Donkey things, resting, relaxing, etc., and getting back on track with eating!  (As I finished typing this out, my stomach is starting to give me the queasies, as in, this could be the flu.  I'm definitely staying home if I'm feeling sick; I might just need a little more to eat, so I'm going to try to have some yogurt.)

Today is my last weigh-in for 2018.  I started the year out at 127.5, and finished out with a 3-pound loss.  While that may not sound like much, my weight has been higher than my starting point, so I took that off, plus the 3, and seem to be keeping it off, give or take a pound.

Progress as of today: 62 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 12/29/2018:
oh yes, possibly a keto flu? though, you've been on keto awhile and also you eat things that are not always keto. hmmm, Bear has a good question!

I totally get you wanting to be home. as a working woman who's always out (talking about you here, not me lol), i can understand you wanting to be home when you get the opportunity.

I specifically didn't make too many plans this weekend, knowing i really just wanna be home by myself for a good amount of it. :)

don't feel bad if you don't go. i really do understand you just wanting to be home...and not being in front of a lot of food again.

the socializing is nice though and i do hope you feel better!

oh, and congrats on the excellent weigh-in to end the year! what a huge success this year was for you in that regard! you maintained and even dipped under where you started! excellent!

Donkey on 12/30/2018:
I did end up going, and while it lasted WAY longer than I had thought it would, I'm glad I did go because I learned a lot from the older women in the group.

graindart on 12/29/2018:
Love when the weigh-in cooperates. I'm sure it feels good to end the year with a good number.

I'll find out what my final weigh-in is the morning of December 31st after I wake up from my own bed again. It'll have been around 10 days since I previously weighed in before the trip. I know it's just a number and doesn't really matter, but I'm still hoping it's a "good" one to end the year.

Donkey on 12/30/2018:
I'm hoping it's a number for you too, because you're 100% right: it's a very good number.

Nothing more frustrating (to me, at least) to do the right things and find either no loss or even a slight gain in the numbers. I think my lowest points have come when I go off-track, e.g. having a bowl of ice cream late night snack (breaking 2 of my rules) and then finding a lower number on the scale. It's like, What the heck - why even bother?

Donkey - Thursday Dec 27, 2018
(Reduction of processed carbs & wishful exercise)
Weight: 125.5

I have not had the time to log on lately, and normally, I would be upstairs getting ready for bed, but I didn't want to let another day pass without writing.   I do read your entries every day.  I check in on my phone when I'm on my bike and quite a few times when I'm at work (since we're not so busy) using my phone.  I refuse to log in on my work computer, because I think the boss' son-in-law checks what sites we visit.  He will be disappointed to see how many times I visit CNN to watch the stock market and keep abreast of the headlines.  (At work, I can easily miss major events, as I'm quite isolated from everything except real estate.)

I feel as though I am struggling.  I am not doing anything fantastic or great in the dieting world, but just doing the same old stuff.  IDK, I feel like I'm eating too much...  I feel bloated, but my rings are not tight.  The scale will tell on Saturday for the last weigh-in of 2018.

Tomorrow night is anniversary dinner.  Then New Years Eve will be take-out Chinese (lots of vegetables!!!) and no plans for New Years Day yet.

Progress as of today: 61 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!

graindart on 12/27/2018:
Not looking forward to NYE and day. Have 2 long days of travel and should be back home on NYE. Have some work that came in while on vacation that is due 1/2/2019, so will have to get to work on NYE and day to be able to get those things in on time. Definitely not looking forward to it, but don't have much of a choice. Thankful for the work, just not the timing.....

Don't know what I'll be doing as I hopefully enter maintenance in January some time. Thinking about making some type of fitness / strength goal while maintaining weight, but haven't made any decisions yet.

Donkey on 12/29/2018:
You may find that staying in maintenance is a goal in itself. But I agree that having a different type of goal might help you stay in maintenance. I know it's helped with me.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/28/2018:
Yes, i also (obviously you know i do by now!?) go online and use the internet while at work. I do not think it's a bad thing at all though.

A quick five minute (lol or maybe in my case it's 10min!?) scan of something else besides your work can relax your mind and also let your mind focus on something else for a little bit and then you can return to the task with your mind relaxed and ready to work harder. if you are ever questioned, i'm sure studies prove it. it's the same as getting up and stretching / walking at least every hour. it's BETTER for your productivity than just sitting at work, doing real estate all day with no break and no getting up, spinning your wheels and getting farther than you would have you taken the breaks and got up to clear your head! :) it's ok, jdonk i'm sure others are on the internet more than you at work. Don't worry!

Didn't you just start Keto not too long ago? does it count as doing something different in the dieting world?

yum yum to the chinese! it's sooo easy to eat well when you like veggies! enjoy it. another thing i like is the veggie and tofu soup they have at chinese restaurants. enjoy....

and, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to you and Mr. Donkey <3

Donkey on 12/29/2018:
I try to keep DD very private and separate from other aspects of my life, except for the few of you I know on Facebook. I don't do Facebook at work either. Of course, I check a billion times on my phone throughout the day. But nobody at work needs to know me on either DD or FB.

Donkey on 12/29/2018:
I think I'm down on myself regarding the "keto" experiment, because I'm not really hard-core keto. I'm more of a keto-paleo blend. I feel like a failure at both, rather than successful overall.

Who needs that kind of negativity? NOT ME. I gotta change that up. :)

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