I weighed in this morning.
From the comments I received on my last post, I am wondering: "What is my REAL weight?"
I figure my real weight is probably around 138.
I bought new running shoes 2 weeks ago and I feel too fat to use them, i.e. too fat for running. :-( You know -- I should use those shoes as incentive to staying on track.
I have been trying hard to keep the night time eating away. Last night was hard, but I asked myself if I wanted carrot sticks. I did not not, which meant that I was not truly hungry. So I did not eat..
I realize now, thanks to Catepillar, that when I get the feelings of wanting to eat for other reasons than hunger, I need find something to do to keep myself busy.
You see, I always thought that when I was experiencing an emotion or the pain of feelings from the past, that I needed to DO SOMETHING about those feelings.
I don't.
What I'm supposed to do is to find something to do - other than eat - until the feelings... fade? dissapate? pass? I"m not sure. But all along, I was thinking that in order to "feel" the pain and move beyond it, I needed to control it/them (the feelings).
That doesn't work, because my way to control feelings is to eat.
I'm not sure if therapy was supposed to teach me how to actually DEAL with the feelings -- if so, it didn't.
How does one deal with sadness?
How does one touch anger?
What does one do with frustration?
I don't know.
But what I DO know is that when these feelings come up, I have to find something to do other than to eat. I could exercise, read, shower, etc. That's all fine, but note that it doesn't actually DEAL with the emotion. I'm clueless.
However, once I learn to move beyond the emotional eating, this weight loss journey will become more cut-and-dry of "plan / action / result". I wonder if I will ever move beyond the emotional eating issue or if it's something I will need to be ever vigilant about.
Progress as of today: 40.5 lbs lost so far, only 9.5 lbs to go!
Seems that I've gained 3lb since my last entry. Ugh....
Progress as of today: 36.5 lbs lost so far, only 13.5 lbs to go!
No weigh-in today because I slipped up last night. And my daughter caught me last night. I pleaded with her not to tell my husband that I had eaten what I had eaten. This is not good parenting, I know.
I seem to do fine if I can keep myself focused on the practical "diet" mentality. But last night I started to feel emotions overtaking me. Imagine yourself sitting in a room and starting to feel a cold draft coming onto you. It was very much like that. And then I didn't really THINK but just started eating.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
Hoping that today is a wonderful day~
Weighed in this morning so I thought it only right to update my DD as well.
I'm trying to get myself back into the mindset of losing weight. I've done the healthy lifestyle change and can live with that. But now I need to get back to a more comfortable weight. And that means that I will need to experience discomfort to some degree until I get back, closer to goal.
So yesterday, my meals were lighter, but I ate every 2-3 hours. That seemed to help. I have cut back on my cardio, to help with cravings.
Last night, I had air-popped popcorn for my "late night" snack, and was satisfied with that. One "test" that I have used in the past with regards to nighttime snacking is asking myself if I want carrots. Because if I'm truly hungry, then the answer will be YES, I want carrots. But if I'm just "bingey" (as HoP says), then the answer would be NO.
And that's when I need to go brush my teeth, floss, use mouthwash and fill up my water bottle.
On the weekends, I have decided that I will be walking on the treadmill instead of my usual ellptical/weights schedule. I had a great time today, watching TV and walking on the treadmill at the gym. A real nice change of pace.
I mention this because I was very tempted to hop on the elliptical, but then I decided that, No, I would not. This is the weekend and weekends are meant to be "active" and different (even if I'm at the gym).
If I'm going to reach my weight loss goal, I need to look beyond all the emotion and just get back to basics. I think that's where my journey gets "muddled". I'm trying to work on emotional stuff AND weight loss at the same time and things get rather disordered trying to do too much at once.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
sorry you are not feeling in the zone with your weight. remember, it takes time to lose what it takes moments to gain! lol. at least that's how it is with you and me, right? but it will come off. you are smart to eat the small meals and snacks. on the trip, i stuck with Meals Only. no snacks, except for flavored water almost everyday, a two liter bottle, and sometimes more. it was only lightly flavored, and the 2 liter bottle was like 200 cal. with all the sweating it was a good thing for me. however, now that i'm home, with all the food temptations, i fully intend on incorporating snacks back in right away. being on the trip, all the excitement, helped me ward off cravings or even from getting most cravings. however, my energy levels definitely were affected gravely.
i will be going to a psychologist today, first visit, in my adult life. aside from the time i went to one as a college student but never went back bc i was left with a sour impression. hopefully this visit will be better. just like you, i am going to hopefully "demuddle" my journey...
sending you love...
OK, here's the situation:
I know what I want to achieve.
I know how to do it.
But for some reason, I just can't get myself to do the hard work. I do pretty well during the day, and then at night I just fall apart and self-medicate with food.
It's kind of like holding my breath the whole day and then exhaling to the extreme at night.
And it's not as though I am restricting my calories during the day so that I eat and eat and eat at the end of the day out of hunger. That's not it at all.
I was thinking, if I could get my day to end at 7pm, I'd be doing great! (Some days though, it'd be nice if my day could end at 4:30p.)
So I'm not sure what's going on, but that's pretty much of where I'm at.
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
Have a good weekend......
Just keeping it real, over here... Not very happy with it.
Trying a new routine, with regards to exercise, which in turn has caused me to readjust my calorie level (lower). We'll see how it goes...
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
Hope you're doing well today!
Let me preface this entry by saying that I do not know what I weigh today. I am feeling extremely bloated and LARGE. I am extremely aware of the extra weight I am carrying around on my frame, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least.
However, I am not going to beat myself up about my setback, but rather pick myself up and keep trying.
You know, moods come and go. Life can be good; life can be hard. And even though I am not doing very well emotionally right now, I'm not going to let that derail my efforts THIS time.
So good or bad, happy or sad, laughter or tears, I'm putting my physical self back on track.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
As for me, both baby! I find the walks and build them myself. I probably put some barb wire on top of them too. I am not smart and love a pity party. This needs to change now!
xoxo
It has been a difficult week. Just bad all the way around. Stress, depression, tension, bloat, weight gain, discouragement.
I am stuck. I have tried and tried and nothing has worked. I don't know what else to try.
I am tired. I am hungry. I am sad.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
OK, now I know what I weigh, and to be honest, I am surprised that I don't weigh more. I was half-way expecting to see something around 142. Then I thought, "Gee, what if the scale says 147.5?"
So this is ok. And I'm wondering if I am starting another "hit" to my metabolism. Every 5 years or so, starting around 20, 21, 22 -- a woman's metabolism slows down and everything "shifts" a bit. I doubted the person who told me this initially, but over the years, I have come to realize that she was right.
(This bit of wisdom spoken by my very first Exercise Buddy.)
And now that I am approaching 39 this month, it seems as though this is what might be happening to my body. 130 seems **impossible** to reach at this point.
But it's not. At least I don't think so. I'm not giving up. But I will say that with this "shift" in body has come a "shift" in perspective. I'm not so hung up on the number on the scale. I'm much more focused on athletic pursuits. Not that I'm indifferent to the number or that I wouldn't L-O-V-E to be at a lower weight.
It's just now I can see that it's just a number. It won't bring me love or acceptance or self-confidence or anything like that. It's me, as I am right now, just less.
Anyway, my point is this: If what you're doing isn't working, be patient. If it's still not working, then it's time to try a new approach.
Progress as of today: 41.5 lbs lost so far, only 8.5 lbs to go!
I have no idea what I currently weigh. I guess I'm sticking my head in an oat bag and hiding from reality. Most of my days are sorrowful. You would try to hide too.
I was doing well, until most recently. Both Thursday and Friday did not end well, foodwise. Thursday, I let it slide, but last night I finally had to admit that I was self-medicating with food.
My husband says, "What can I do to fix this? What can I do to help you feel better?" But truth be told, nothing can be done. The past can't be changed or fixed or erased. There's just too much pain.
I'm glad I have had this opportunity to say that. Thank you, Diet Diaries.
Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
don't hide. the more you hide, the worse your eating/binging will get.
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Hello there! My addicted mind is always looking for excuses to eat, and eat things I know will trigger more eating. My anger is one of the ways my body shows a physical/mental response to the addiction. Sure I hae stuff to be angry about, but do I want to truly be well (which means getting rid of that anger) or do I want to hold on to that excuse and know if I do get well and get rid of that anger, that I will be losing one of my biggest excuses to continue my food addiction? My ace in the hole, so to speak. I had a very long talk with someone last night about how evil is always trying to steal your joy. Bad things happen to good people all the time, but we have to be benevolent to those who do harm to us and pray for them that they get help for their problems. We don't have to forgive them, we don't have to excuse their behavior. What we are doing when we are benevolent is giving them back full responsibility for their actions, and putting what they did, back on them. Therapy only works when we want to be well. Because much of therapy is about us coming to our own realization about what is destroying us, and then having the courage to let it go. The strength of survival isn't in waking up the next day after the event(s), it is when we let go of the fear and anger that binds us to the event(s). And being benevolent isn't an action of a weak person. It is the action of a person who is coming into their strength, might not be there yet, but working on it. Benevolence is freedom to be happy and the ability to get rid of the weight on our shoulders. Bestowing benevolence on those who have wronged us is a very strong way to DEAL with emotion. And I have a hard time with this, but it is because I am learning. And it is soooooooooooo easy to just coat myself in what I know (anger, fear, hate) because those are strong emotions that feel strong, not weak. And to do anything else feels sometimes like I am giving in. But I'm not giving in. I am giving it up. Anger, fear, hate, resentment, pensiveness, all of that is emotion that damages us, binds us to pain. And I guess that until we come to that realization on our own that no amount of therapy is going to fix us. Because our own realization is key to our recovery.
I know that I will never be considered a non food addict or a non compulsive eater. I must always know I am so that I can be careful as I go about my day. Vigilance is key. And there is no shame in it because again, there is strength in knowing ourselves and knowing our limitations. Then we can focus on our strengths.
God has strength that far outmatches our own. Lean on Him. Trust Him. Use your faith to help you through. Don't just give lip service to it, use it, walk in it, trust it. I am a firm believer that we find ourselves when we stop trying to control everything and let go, and let God. Of course we have to do our due diligance, but we carry far too much around when we don't have to. I know I do. I know I am. And the only thing I can do is work on it every day.
I don't know your situation or your needs, but I feel the pain of your food addiction and compulsive eating. That makes us family. :)
catepillar on 07/23/2009:
Oh goodness I forgot to tell you how I got to my calories number. Well, it is about trying to lose a particular amount of weight in a particular space of time, and to do it at a rate of no more than 2lbs per week. (of course being heavier, it is always easier to lose weight initially because most is fluid) so based on my BMI, weight, exercise style (non-existant) this was the calorie range to stay in. When I lose the first 20lbs, I will have to recalculate, and as I start to add exercise, agan I will have to recalculate. If I had wanted to lose 20lbs over a six month period of time, I'd likely be able to eat more calories, but I went with the 2lbs per week goal to lose by September. But as you can see by my messages, I pretty much stay at 1550 lol. I wanted to get into the manageable chunks of 20lbs or 10% in 3 month periods of time. But it will have to be adjusted as weight/exercise changes.
catepillar on 07/23/2009:
I mean BMR not BMI
grumpy on 07/23/2009:
Hey Donkey, I am just now starting to explore those feelings. And I hear you're supposed to truly feel them, let them go, not fight them. But also find something to occupy your mind with is great. Anything you have to use your hands for, especially. Painting, knitting, drawing, going for a walk is even better, because then you leave the house and is further away from the kitchen.
You are only too far to run if you are 3 feet tall. Other than that, you're fine. Go running, you enjoy it. Give yourself a break. I love the idea of measuring your hunger with thinking if you want carrots. The same with the way we treat ourselves.. would you have this same judgement if it was me? like 'grumpy, you're too fat to exercise' or something like that. I say that because I judge my appearance so harshly the way i would NEVER do if it was anyone else's. And I wonder why. Of course we should treat others with love, but why not ourselves??
grumpy on 07/23/2009:
Yes, baby, i'll kick yo a**! :) Just do it, pun intended. You will feel better. Love ya!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
LOL....no no, you can ask about the session...i will write about it tomorrow or so...i have no motivation right now to type it. but also, i didn't meet with "my therapist" just someone who takes down the intake on all patients...so i don't really have much to write...until i actually have my first real session. she gave me almost no feedback, except that she was in agreement i comfort eat. and she felt i need more confidence...
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
but i was actually not hinting you don't ask again. i just didn't write a new entry yet and am really messed up, feeling exhausted. slept from 6pm-9:30pm...now eating dinner ugh. all messed up.
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/23/2009:
i think you will always need to be vigilent about your emotional eating. why back when you first joined was it easier for you to have control? was it bc dieting was new to you?? not that your weight has changed much, just a few pounds. you can do this, before it gets out of your reach/control. try to lose those few pounds now...
as for me, i've realized that i DO NOT at all have control over my eating. and it is still VERY volatile. i have work to do. and absolutely no direction right now. being away from school so long, like 3 weeks almost, it has been very hard to get back into it. and remember everything, and try to improve. i am a bit in disarray.
h82bfat on 07/24/2009:
What I have been doing during my moments is focussing in on something positive - some thing, moment, song, whatever that make me feel alive, makes me feel "pumped", made me laugh 'til I peed my pants - made me feel like I was "king of the world - for just one moment".
We all carry around baggage, whether we want to or not. It's always packed and ready to go - the trick is not picking it up. If you can't tell, I'm into music, so for me sometimes the quickest pick me up is thinking of 2 particular kick ass concerts that I've been to (one as a teen & one just last year). When I think of those times, I think of the music that moves me, the friends that screamed with me like idiots, the exilleration - and I know (in an instant) that Life IS Good. Just try to cling to the moments that made you feel "I can do anything" and not the "why bothers" - it is life altering................
halley on 07/24/2009:
I don't know how you deal with feelings either. Usually running helps me see things more clearly.