Thank goodness for dreams about McDonalds because it sure has been a sad and stressful time for Donkey.
So, I've been very frustrated/angry/sad/defeated about life in general. But then, to add to that, my step-father's brother (Uncle John) passed away last week. So last weekend was his funeral, which suprisingly, seemed to hit me harder than my step-father's death, although I was not particularly close to Uncle John. At the funeral, though, there were a lot of stories about Uncle John and my step-father, so maybe that had something to do with it? Or perhaps because his passing was sudden, even though he had been sick for so long.
Then, I learned that one of my daughter's classmates committed suicide this week, and the funeral Mass is today. I'm not sure if I'm going. I didn't know this boy personally, but my daughter had a class with him, and would tell us stories about him at dinner. He was kind of a square peg in a town of round holes, so I really felt his pain in these stories. Also, he performed in several high school drama events, so I have seen him perform....
IDK, I'm so angry with the Catholic church (my faith) right now. I haven't been to Mass since December 2016. I'm not sure I can bring myself to do this. If my daughter wanted to go and would go, then I'd go with her, of course, but she has to work. I just don't know.
Then, to top eveything off, my beloved kitty cat has been in the final stages of renal failure for about 2 weeks. She doesn't seem to be in pain, but watching her decline (literally waste away) has not been easy, not to mention all of the clean-up that is involved, because she's no longer the tidy cat that she used to be. I don't especially want to put her down because she does not seem to be in pain, plus, the trauma of taking her to the vet would make her last moments in this world, scary and painful, and I do not want that for her, if it can be avoided.
When I weighed in this morning - successfully shedding all of the bloat from last week - I realized that next Saturday, there won't be a weigh-in because I'll be out of town visiting my mom. And while this is anticipated to be a happy trip, it's still quite stressful for me, as I am not a good traveler. Plus, my family dynamics are always a little touchy on the toxicity.
But the stress of the upcoming trip hasn't even hit me yet, because the day before we leave, I will miss a full, extra day of work to take my husband to the VA hospital for more medical evaluations. And that's not stressful either, right????
Thank you for letting me just get that out.
Progress as of today: 59 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
A little brevity and humor to lighten up my mood:
So right after my last post, I was nominated as a Sparkpeople "Motivator of the Day"... Go figure, just when I'm at my lowest "I QUIT HUMANITY" point, THAT happens. Can't make this stuff up.
I had a dream earlier this week that I met up with Graindart and his wife at a McDonalds. My first thought was, "Oh boy, I'm going to get a double Quarter Pounder with cheese!" I ended up getting a chopped steak salad ("with REAL steak" - from McDonalds??) and Graindart got a protein shake. I couldn't tell you what he looked like, but he wore a grey t-shirt and dark grey athletic shorts. His wife though was a lovely person, who looked like a young Elizabeth McGovern (do a quick Google). Lovely lady who didn't seem to mind that the marathon route went through her kitchen, LOL...
Feeling a little better, I suppose. Regardless, I've stayed on track - with the exception of the weight training for this week.
Purchased a container of collagen powder to see if it will help my skin and hair. I added it to my oatmeal breakfast (1/2 cup, 1/4 cup of walnuts, 1 TBSP of vanilla protein powder, mixed with water) and it changed the consistency of the oatmeal, so I won't do that again. I'm thinking of adding it to either Greek yogurt or a cold protein shake. I was advised to try adding it to my coffee, but if that doesn't work, I don't want to throw out my coffee! (That's a big sin in my house: we don't waste coffee!)
I have a 28 day supply of collagen, so we'll see where I'm at near the end of November. I won't have any collagen when I go visit my mom in Vegas next week.
Progress as of today: 57 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
Everything in your dream sounded ok, except for one glaring mistake. If you see me at McDonald's, I'll be holding a bag of fries (small if on-plan, super-sized if off-plan).
and i LOVE LOVE that the marathon ran straight thru her kitchen!!!!!!!! perfect place to load up on some carbs during the run!
if you want to get on track with weight training, you'll have to plan it in, somehow...
...i have the same issue with fitting in cardio runs / bike rides...seems to not be enough downtime / exercise time balance.
nice job staying on track :)
if you add the collagen to your coffee, you may want to BLEND it in using a blender...to make a "keto style" coffee.
Today was another painful day, emotionally... but life goes on, I suppose.
I had initially decided to cut back on weight training until today, but have decided to give myself the entire week off. I'm still doing cardio - to help relieve the physical effects of this stress/depression and to preserve my sanity, whatever that means these days...
I guess what has me really bothered is that the recent course of events has me re-evaluating who I let into my life, and realizing that, in order to preserve my own morals, that I now need to be more selective with my friendships and who I spend my time with, and how.
This includes EVERYONE.
And I hate that it has to be this way, but I'm DONE.
Progress as of today: 57 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
When you feel up to it, i'd like to understand more about what you are writing, about your selectivity and friendships. I hope you do not mean the ones here?
I'd like to understand why morals are involved as most friendships shouldn't (usually) have to fall to the wayside over morals and when they do it's gotta be usually a big deal...
I'd like to give my opinions more, but not sure exactly what you are fully writing about and the personal situations involved.
I am sorry you aren't feeling like your more typical Donkey ways!
Nothing to say, just letting you know we're here and reading your posts.
RE-EVALUATING EVERYTHING.
I cannot remember the last time I felt this sad and hopeless.
I need to isolate, re-evaluate, and re-organize my priorities.
Progress as of today: 57 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
try not to let yourself turn into a downward spiral and i think you do need to do exactly what you are doing - isolate, re-evaluate and reorgainize.
if it's any consolation, i have used this weekend to do that for much of the 3 days i'm off. today is a down day too...to finally cook, bake those brownies (keto) for the first time...and gather my thoughts.
remember that you ARE in total control of yourself. and keep on focusing on the things that you can change, move and work to accomplish if you know what i mean. keep striving. you've got this!
Yesterday was emotionally difficult, today was even harder... starting with an awful weigh- in.
Progress as of today: 57 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
also, i'm sorry your cat's health is not optimal but you have taken such wonderful care of her and i hope you will continue to be a wonderful "feline mom" in the future!
did the boss let you go into work late? i'm sure? i hope you begin to feel better soon... do you have today off?
Just taking a few minutes for ME and logging in to DD to comment. I could have spent this time doing weights, but I will do that tonight, maybe. I think I can spare the 5 minutes towards minimal but mandatory weight training, LOL...
I'm feeling a bit sad this morning. Not AT ALL looking forward to this stupid birthday breakfast thing. My hubby was kind enough to cook up the sausages I'm bringing... Some of the sadness, I'm sure, is situational, some of it is fatigue, some of it is dread (from the breakfast) and some of it is hormonal.
I haven't mentioned this here, but my cat is ailing and getting ready to go over the Rainbow Bridge. Today seems like it might be a better day for her. She has lost a lot of weight and drinks way too much water. We got a diagnosis a couple of years ago that she was in the early stages of renal failure, for which there is no cure. There are things we could do to prolong her life, but that would just make her remaining time here in this world very miserable. We really thought she only had about 6 more months, so she's been doing pretty well for another 1.5 years, until recently...
My main goal for her is to make her remaining time with us as comfortable as possible, and letting her know how much she is loved by us all.
The dinner plans with mom tomorrow have changed. We are meeting her for brunch -- I will probably go into work late, if the boss will let me (because Queen Bee has already decided that she will take the day off, for a long holiday weekend). So I will be able to make it a lighter meal out, and also get in the evening exercise bike ride, or chair yoga with the husband.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
sorry i didn't comment well these past few days...it was a challenge to get into after DD went down and weekends i'm always all over the place. having this extra day home i'm glad i can also catch up with you folks!....will add to this comment in a few minutes... :)
Yes, I am logging in on DD on my laptop this morning, instead of rushing off to work! This is my ME time and I'm not giving it up to some job where I'm not appreciated by my boss, my clients, and my coworkers.
I've been inspired lately:
So we'll see what today brings.... Now, unfortunately, I do need to logoff and go to work. Have a good day, everyone!
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
remember not to let the crazy job crap get to you so much....it is what pays the bills and there is this type of crud at any job....
one person in particular at my job has rubbed me in completely the wrong way now...i have lost my total respect for him.
so it offers some change in the room automatically ...and it does it little by little getting brighter which i like. i'd have liked something that gets much brighter and may even spend MORE MONEY now that i think about it on getting something better now.
i am spending a large chunk of money this year on making my home more of a home with amenities that will make my work life and life in general easier.
from all the gym equipment which i'm SO satisfied with...to a good daylight alarm clock...
i am trying to give myself the best opportunity to improve physically and feel good during the winter. it's sooooo nice to come home from work and NOT leave the apt to go out to the gym and drive there. it's a better deal to come home and stay home :) just trying to simplify and make things better for a happier and healthier life. especially since getting up around 5:30am is also getting up in the dark!
I'm posting through my phone, which I do not like doing.
Not saying who, but 2 people at work have decided that we're having a breakfast bash on Thursday to celebrate the boss' birthday. I HATE casseroles, and 2 certain coworkers are bringing breakfast casseroles. I was assigned meat. So I will be bringing sausage links.
As you may recall, my stepfather passed away in January after a long battle with liver cancer. Saturday, his brother died... after a long battle with esophageal cancer. So my mom, brother, and (half) sister are coming to Illinois for the service on Saturday.
So this has been on my mind...
I had planned to try some keto baking this weekend. Now that probably won't happen. Also, no evening bike ride on Friday, and will be eating out Friday night with mom. No hopes for a satisfactory weigh-in on Saturday.
I had an epiphany that I really want to focus more of my life on my health and happiness.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
you can still have a good weigh-in. when you go out to eat, you can order healthy things that still taste good as long as you go somewhere that has that option.
i thought those keto brownies looked mad awesome too....
is your family coming in on friday or saturday?
are you sure you cannot do a bike ride Friday?
On Friday, I will have my morning leisurely bike ride while I watch the news, but I also like/need to unwind at the end of the day with another ride, to work out the stress. So it is not as though I won't have ANY exercise. Maybe I can get in a longer walk at lunchtime...
It's all about the stress management, lately.
I wasn't going to write an entry because today is not a weigh-in day, and I didn't want this weight to be my mark on the progress chart for October, since this number is really for September. But then I thought, this number ain't so bad. This week's weigh-in could be - and probably will be - higher.
I was so cold at work today. I realize that I need to adjust my meals and snacks from cold foods, i.e. raw (salad, raw vegetables, fruit) to something that can be heated up, so that it warms me up.
I will also need to add an extra layer of under clothing, to help with warmth.
Ate too much bacon at dinner, feeling out of sorts afterwards.
Going to bed soon. Need sleep.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
it helps to keep your neck warm with a scarf.
Thank you for your comments - I replied as well. :-) I meant to update my entry last night, with a recap, but ended up heading upstairs for the evening, and never got back on the laptop to update.
I has been a very productive, satisfying weekend for me. I accomplished picking up, breaking down, and bagging all of the small to medium willow branches that fell down last week during the big storm. So all that is left are big branches that have to be chopped up with an axe. It loooks like drizzle for most of the day, on and off, so that might not happen. It was very satisfying to see the lawn bags fill up and pile up. I have 6 bags and 1 can going out to the curb for yard waste pick-up on Tuesday.
Got my laundry washed, and now it's ready to be folded while I watch morning TV.
Had a nice date with my husband at the hardware store in the morning, and then another "date" at Wal-Mart in the late afternoon to do a little necessary shopping. Ended up buying a "take-and-bake" fresh pizza, and had that for dinner. It was very good; I had a big salad with my dinner, too. Funny when I do have carbs (pizza crust, in this case), I don't feel that craving for dessert to "top off" the meal.
It is cold, cloudy, and drizzly here today, so probably not doing too much outside today. My son is home; my daughter has to work this afternoon, so she won't be home for dinner. Tacos is the plan.
Tomorrow, my husband is meeting up with his mom (who is blind and deaf, and lives in assisted living) and his brother to discuss what to do with mom. Mom asked to live with her son (BIL, not my husband), which he doesn't want, even though he lives in a 4-bedroom house alone. I do not think that she can come here, and even if she could, she would not be happy here. I believe that my brother-in-law will ask my husband to do more, after all - husband is home all day doing nothing, right? They don't seem to understand that my husband is SICK and in constant PAIN, and can hardly take care of himself, much less his needy mother. He cannot drive, safely, alone any more -- brother didn't know that.
Mom is very self-centered and very upset that her husband left her (died), so now she needs to take care of herself, and she doesn't want to. I get that, I've been there - but that's not how life works. All those years when dad was around, she never learned how to be self-sufficient, and so now that he's passed, she's bitter, lonely, and helpless. My BIL has always been the favorite son, and neither parent did much of anything with my husband, with our family, with our children - EVER. And I think she wants someone who will step in and entertain her, drive her around, take her out, do things with her, etc.
She really cannot live alone, so assisted living is probably right for her, and she might be able to move into an apartment or condo, and have a homecare person come by for a few hours a day. She would probably need to get one of those "Life Alert" systems, though, for nighttime. I don't know. I don't think that would make her happy either.
I apologize if I sound ungrateful, which I'm not, but that family dynamic is so messed up. It's not my place to say who should do what to any of them, but I WILL stand up for my husband and not allow him to be railroaded or dumped on. I think my daughter said it best: We here are all working to help (my husband) with his limitations. Taking care of another person - who never showed us much of anything - would just not work, on many levels (ours and hers).
So we'll see how it goes.
AFTERNOON EDIT: My step-father's brother passed away last night. Like my step-father, he had cancer. I will attend any services if there are any and if someone will tell me what, when, and where.
Progress as of today: 60.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
And I do feel bad. I mean, how awful is it that your kids don't want to take care of you when you're old. But she really needs to be as self-sufficient as she possibly can be -- and she CAN be more independent. I think a lot of it is -- and has been -- her choice not to be so.
Also, you have a good idea to fold laundry while watching TV...what a pleasant way to do a routine task. I'm not joking when i thought it was a very nice idea! Most of my laundry, like 90%, i hang, so i fold only really t shirts and things i wear around the house (that's how i get outta folding!) haha...otherwise, i'd take up the TV idea.
I totally am with you with the carbs in meal vs craving after the meal. I am same exact way as you. if i satisfy my carb needs in the meal, far less cravings after. same! Taco dinner can be hugely healthy. Bulking up on veggies, good meat, some grains but you can choose how much of the tortilla / shells you want. one taco shell is surprisingly low cal if you look at the packages i was impressed when i checked many years ago! i think it said 60 cal per shell! So, i'd have 2-3 of them if that were a dinner for me!
Let me add this comment, before it gets deleted :)....
Wow. your daughter said it quite perfectly i would say.
if she is in assisted living now, can she afford to stay there? i would think that it's the perfect scenario for her.
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HUGS....That is a lot of sadness all at one time....I think that would get to anyone. But your weigh in was very good...so there was a little brightness in your day....……..
Maria7 on 10/13/2018:
Hope you have a good, safe trip.
Horn_of_plenty on 10/14/2018:
you've definitely had to deal with a lot of emotions and events as of late...remember that you cannot personally have helped or stopped their deaths...and to not let that bring you down too much...and to keep on with your life and maintaining your strength thru these tough times.
happy-1 on 10/14/2018:
HUGS. Breathe.