Again my weight was at 144.5 this morning. Argh, I just keep gaining and losing the same "binge weight" over and over. This madness must stop.
I went to the gym today and walked on the treadmill with a steep incline. I wanted to do more, but I felt guilty for being at the gym for so long. My mission this weekend is to get the kids' rooms in order, so today I am doing bedding laundry. And possibly cleaning up the floors, so that I can go through the piles of crap that I swept up from the floors and put away or pitch.
I wanted to go for a bike ride to the library, but it has become awfully humid. And it is very sunny outside too. Still, I might go. I'm dressed for it.
i have gained so much weight that my rings are tight on my fingers. I do not normally wear any rings, so this was a rude awakening for me. So now I am wearing my rings as a reminder to me that I can't be eating like I've been eating without feeling some immediate discomfort.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
OK, well, at least this morning I went to the gym to get in some cardio.
Trying to do better today.
TOM is here and the cramps have kicked in. Today will be a wash, for the most part.
This weekend is supposed to be H-O-T here in the Chicago area. Yuck.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
I'm not changing my "Current Weight" because I weighed in some time after breakfast, coffee and water. In fact, it was almost time for lunch and the scale had said 144.5.
That is what FOUR bad days of eating will do. I have to admit that I was rather shocked that it wasn't higher.
Today was another very difficult day. However, I was able to get my Major Chore For The Week out of the way -- buying school supplies for my son.
You see the schools have where you can buy the required supplies in packages, through the school. The PTA earns some money from that. I didn't order for my son in time - because he is going to a new school this year (for middle school years). So I figured, well, it'll be OK to just buy his supplies ourselves.
NEVER AGAIN.
And I STILL didn't get everything he needs on the list.
So between having to do that and feeling like the bottom of the kitty litter box, I did not make it to the gym today. Frankly speaking, I do not remain optimistic for the remainder of the week.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
there isn't a reason you should be torturing yourself this whole week. secondly, tomorrow is friday, practically the end of the week! rejoice in that. and, if possible, do not think about school supplies for the whole weekend. just keep the newspaper/magazine circulars, look at them monday. and start again monday. i HIGHLY recommend NOT doing anything that has to do with school this weekend.
next, from reading your diaries, i have become aware that your binging is many times school related. anything with your kids/school combo does it to you. i just realized that this minute. you shouldn't be shameful of yourself. you are a good mother who cares very much for her children. don't let YOUR anxiety with your kids, new school, other parents/teachers get to you. it's a NEW SCHOOL. they don't even KNOW you. there is no reason for you to keep eating like that. it's still summer.
No weigh-in because yesterday was a bad eating day. Baaaad eating day... :-(
I had a very difficult day yesterday with sadness, and today is no different, except that yesterday, I still managed to do everything I had to do.
Today is more of a struggle to do anything.
I went to the gym, but only did 30 minutes of cardio. I felt myself falling apart on way to the gym, at the gym and on the way home from the gym.
I thought that glycrina said it best in her entry.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
and thanks for the post on my page--even just being acknowledged that I'm not totally nuts made me feel better! :)
more hugs
Thanks for helping me see that this is normal and I am not alone. Tomorrow will be a better day.
so therapy went pretty well. i did most of the talking, and even got slightly emotional, tearing eyes almost crying but holding back in order to talk. i felt good after, but then, later on in the night, started to feel WORSE and WORSE. i think it's because talking brought up things i wish to forget in my life or not think about. so, thinking about them again during the night caused me to eat poorly, and the fact i have a huge test, the first one this year, tomorrow. so, that in itself triggers me. tonight, i'll do what i can, but not loose sleep over this test. lol, this can all change. i mentioned to the therapist wanting meds, she said she'd set up an appointment with a psychologist! i am happy about this because i DO FEEL I NEED something to get through this school year and all the stress of constant change in schedule at school and the tests and sitting in class. however, i will be really upset if the medications need to be reported to my doctor...but i guess i would rather have the medication than not.
Today was weigh-in day. Not very happy with that number but there's nothing I can do about it now. Move forward with today....
Actually, that's not so bad considering that I had 2 days of bad eating over the weekend, nor I did not workout Sunday or Monday.
I have only myself to blame.
Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!
Have a good evening!
I went to the block party last night and had a good time. Unfortunately, my eating suffered somewhat.
This morning I am struggling with my body. No weigh-in, which I never do after any special occassion. I am dressed, waiting to leave for church, and I feel so fat. Every time I dress for church (meaning: not workout clothes), I am reminded of how much weight I seem to be holding on to.
The capris felt tight in the thigh. I think I even saw some bra fat in back -- which NEVER happens to me because I am not a bosomy person. My arms flex a mean bicep but even they seem large and fleshy.
I asked my daughter, carefully, if the outfit looked ok or if I needed to change something. She told me to make sure my top is pulled down so that it is straight. I wanted to be very careful not to put her in the position of judging me: "Do I look fat in this?" So I made sure I focused on the outfit.
Pretty sad for this 39 yr old to have to ask a 9 yr old for a realty check. But I know she'd be honest if it didn't look right.
Maybe I should change into a skirt instead....
The sad thing is that these are clothes that fit properly (I think) last year. I don't like clothing that fits really tight. I just feel so large. :-(
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
No weigh-in today.
No gym today either -- at least not in my normal routine, so today could be tricky:
1. No gym
2. Husband works late
3. Anxious about neighborhood block party on Saturday
4. Discouraged about life in general (finances, unemployment, etc.)
You see, on Saturday my little cul-de-sac neighborhood is having their annual summer block party. Well, I had some legal problems that started last year, made the whole round of local media, blah blah blah. The incident involved an automobile accident (not DUI!!!!), and although it was an accident, I was still responsible for the consequences of what happened.
Since this accident, 2 of my neighbors, believing everything that was dramatized in the media - that my actions were intentional - have been just awful towards me. The other 4 neighbors still acknowledge me and give me a wave or a smile. (I don't talk to anyone any more.) But these 2 ladies are very scornful towards me.
So I am sure that you can see why a neighborhood block party would be uncomfortable for me.
My husband found out from our next door neighbor that at least 1 of these people will not be here for the party, which I thought meant both ladies, but I guess maybe it's just the one. I won't go if the other lady is present. It was bad enough having to go to court to face critical people; I'll be damned if I'm going put myself in a position of being scrutinized or criticized. again, willingly.
And so this impending party has brought back the flood of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear -- you name it -- that I have tried very hard to put behind me the past week.
As I said, if I can stop dwelling on the sorrows of the past, I do quite well. But when they come creeping back ..... It's like when an evening fog comes creeping in. You don't even notice it at first. And before you know it, it's so dense you can't even see the road ahead of you.
It's going to be a long, hot weekend... :-(
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
"Look Ma -- no weigh-in!"
I decided that I would resist weighing in now until my next weigh-in on Tuesday.
My workout today was stink-o for two reasons:
1. My portable XM radio lost my playlists. I guess it's because I haven't listened to live music in quite some time. I like what I have saved, and ever since Michael Jackson died, I haven't had the heart to try to listen to new stuff. And I'm not a big MJ fan either. I liked his Jackson 5 stuff and the old school stuff. So I"m not sure what the problem is.
But for today, my problem was that I was stuck with the 2 options of listening to the 2 artists' whose work my husband downloaded for my daughter: Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. It made for a loooonnnngg workout.
2. I started thinking about "to-do" things that didn't get done, and how I needed to do them, or why weren't they done, blah blah blah. It totally took me out of the moment, which I don't like. I mean, gym time is Donkey Time. And I don't like it when I get stressed out about things that I need to get done (or should have been done) in the Real World.
So my workout kind of stank. I am sorely tempted to either go back to the gym this afternoon and get in a GOOD workout or do something outside. Maybe my kids would go on a bike ride with me....
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
I figure I have returned to my "Real Weight", and now the hard work begins, once again.
Yestesrday was an Angry Day. I find anger a difficult emotion to hand constructively (is this possible?) because anger is so destructive. But at the end of the day, I realized that I had to just let it go and not carry it into the next day (which is today).
It's a work in progress.
I seem to be doing better with the food and exercise. I do an hour of cardio and 4-5 weight training exercises at the gym. I eat about 2000 calories throughout the day.
I try not to focus on negative feelings and put forth effort into the positive. Right now, that's not too difficult, because I'm not engaged in anything too challenging or meaningful right now. So this is a good time to get into the practice of positive.
That and taking it one day at a time.
Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Hope your day is going well so far!
I guess I'm still losing binge weight... I usually weigh in on Tuesdays.
I had a great workout at the gym today. My new running shoes were a huge disappointment for running -- inadequate cushioning -- so I decided to see if they would work for me at the gym. I need a new shoe for "at the gym" as well, but I thought running was more important for my sanity's sake.
My new shoe will suffice for the gym. I will have to wait to have more $ to buy a proper running shoe, so this may be it for running for me this year. (Money is kind of tight this year.) And I'm ok with that.
I really enjoy doing cardio, so it occurred to me yesterday that maybe that's what I should be doing! And I love working out my legs -- kind of a love/hate relationship I have with my legs -- so maybe that's what I should be doing! I don't really like working my upper body all that much, so maybe I shouldn't be doing as much of that. (It's still important to do some, though, especially for donkeys my age.)
I also came to the revelation - over the weekend? - that if I continue to binge, I won't lose any weight. If I "need" to binge, ok, well fine, but then don't expect to lose any weight.
You would think this would be obvious, wouldn't you?
But for some reason, all of this hadn't really occurred to me. I was trying to be and do things that aren't really me. And that hasn't worked.
Which is why it's OK if I have to wait to run again. Because maybe it's something I shouldn't be doing right now -- for ME -- and *especially* in shoes that aren't what I need.
Progress as of today: 38 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!
i know...i must work on my intake throughout the day. today was just exhausting. and i had horrible choices at every meal. especially lunch, which left me famished only 2 hours later. perhaps i also had too much diet coke. ugh. better tomorrow.
Have a good one Donkey!
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Re: yes, I hate that too. I can't do the "snack" thing to hold me over until dinner so I won't be hungry. For some reason whenever I start eating, it turns into a meal. I have been "snacking" on frozen fruit. I take a bag or put some in a big bowl. It takes awhile for it thaw so I can't just shovel down. My favorites are frozen mangoes, cherries, and rasberries but our store has fruit medleys. I like it because the fruit last longer (it is frozen) than fresh fruit and it is already cut up for me because I am so lazy or busy that I won't wash and cut up fresh fruit. I eat one big bowl a day which is probably about 200 calories -- a little high for a snack but very nutricious.
thinnside40 on 08/15/2009:
I can't stand humidity!.... Huh, the last 3 weeks have been so hot & humid @ times, my feet/ankles/legs swell to ugily ( A step beyond ugly)..... Anyway, thanks for stopping by today and just saying a hello in welcoming my posting again... I have missed it, but have been away from the computer other than listing items on Ebay and hopping all over the place in bizziness.... I am making time for DD again......
Good Weekend!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2009:
YOU'RE RIGHT. i was hoping i'd escape the binge, get the project done quickly, and enjoy an afternoon long walk at one of my favorite places. but nope, i slipped back into eating comfort zone. now it's close to 7pm, i'm not finished at all with this project, AND i've been home all day. what a horrible day.
Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2009:
you work for me, i work for you. we'll be each other's therapists. should work very well. ;)
i am in full agreement that this art project shouldn't be a big deal and i shouldn't stress about it. if i hadn't cared so much that the teacher is already pissed at me i wouldn't have made it this big of a deal. when i was little, we had to do paper mache projects and make different things out of this wet newspaper mix, let them dry, and paint them. i didn't know what to make, kept taking more and more paper mache. in the end, i had a 6 foot alligator. in art, there is nothing "small" about it to me. haha. so here i am, making this mammo suite diagram. haha.
catepillar on 08/16/2009:
You also have TOM and it is humid, it wouldn't be a surprise to have extra tight rings. I hate it when that happens, it makes me feel clausterphobic! Don't beat yourself up and waste your whole day hating on yourself. You have a day ahead of you to live and be happy, don't let some tight rings bring you down. :)
I am so sorry you lost your cat :(. It is such a difficult thing to lose a pet because they are part of your world. I know my cat is a very good companion and as sweet as can be. I would be crushed right now if I would have had to put her down. There would be a hole in my heart.
I hope you have a great day and that the water retention eases and those rings start feeling a little better!
biscottibody59 on 08/16/2009:
Hope your day is going well--hang in there!
thinnside40 on 08/17/2009:
Happy Monday!