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Donkey - Friday Feb 01, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 0.0

I've been hiding. I've been falling into bad eating habits again. I didn't feel that I had much to say about anything. I found myself eating incredible amounts of sugar in the evenings. Yesterday my "fat" jeans started feeling a little tighter than I like, so I knew I had to do something soon. And then it hit me:

I didn't realize how sleep deprived I was until Thursday morning. I made a plan to get myself OUT of the kitchen ASAP after diner last night, get myself upstairs and ready for bed EARLY. I was asleep by 8:30p. I woke up refreshed. I feel so renewed.

Unfortunately, I forgot to weigh myself this morning before having a cup of coffee. I was up early because I needed to see if school was canceled for the kids -- which it has been. Yay I'm a SAHM again for the day (Stay At Home Mom)!!!

So I am using this extended weekend to regroup and recharge.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank EVERYONE who stopped by my diary to lend a word of encouragement, sympathy and kindness over my recent losses and stressors in my life. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for taking time out of your busy lives to lend me some comfort. I am still sad but I know this will take time to get over. Thank you all -- you guys are the best!!!

workingit2 on 02/01/2008:
It is perfectly understandable that you've been reaching for the rush the sugar brings. Being exhausted and sad. Glad you have the opportunity to stay home with the kids today and that you are going to take the weekend and help yourself. Take care and have a good day!


hollybelle on 02/01/2008:
Catching up on your posts - you have had quite some week or two! Sorry for all the sad things. You have held up very well, though. As for sleep deprived - I always reach for food more when I'm tired - like that will wake me up.....get some sleep and start over......all the best.


so_devine on 02/01/2008:
i agree with workingit2 you are going to have times when you are going to feel low and eat the "forbidin foods/snacks" dont put yourself down for it! ( i know i cant stick to it when i say i will, where only human.

i am sorry to her about the hard times in your life. it must be difficult but i can tell your a strong women. take care x


thinnsidenotout on 02/01/2008:
Good to see your back and on the way to renewing your healthy lifestyle....


shadetree on 02/01/2008:
Get some sleep - then you will be at least well rested enough to resist the urges. Take the time to take care of yourself! Have a good weekend!


borntocry on 02/01/2008:
Well, it looks like you are already getting back on track! Good for you!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/01/2008:
welcome back!!! you know, sleep does it to me too! Lately, I have realized, that I have been acting similiar to you because i have been missing sleep. I feel like sleep unlocks the key to eating good levels of calories.



Donkey - Sunday Jan 27, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.0

I don't have much to say. This was a very hard weekend. The funeral was very nice. I'm glad I made the decision to be with my sweetie cat when we (I) put her down. I didn't want her to die alone on a cold steel table. I asked her to forgive me.

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!

maria777 on 01/27/2008:
So sorry to hear about all that you are going through...my prayers are with you.


shadetree on 01/27/2008:
I'm glad you had the strength to be there with your cat. I'm sure she has forgiven you - she is no longer suffering. Will continue to keep you and yours in my prayers.


workingit2 on 01/27/2008:
(((hug))) what a difficult weekend for you, for sure. May your grandfather rest in peace and may you be at peace knowing that your cat is no longer suffering and is resting comfortably.


fritters on 01/27/2008:
I went through this with my cat a year ago. I held her while they gave her the shot. It is all we can do. I think that we do it as much for our selves as for the cat. I hope life gets easier for you real soon.


crategrl on 01/27/2008:
(((((HUGS)))))


timeforachange on 01/27/2008:
It makes me sad to come back and read that you are having a rough time =(. Stay strong through this and know that we're all thinking about you. I pray that things get better and brighter for you in the near future.


thinnsidenotout on 01/29/2008:
Sorry! Prayers/Thoughts are with you at this difficult time....


borntocry on 01/29/2008:
You did what was best for your cat! And you were there for her 'til the end. I'm sure she couldn't have asked for a better mistress...



Donkey - Friday Jan 25, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.0

Take a look at that fabulous weigh-in!!! I am amazed that I was able to stay under 130 (technically speaking) with the kind of week that I have had. But I did it! Which should prove something to myself. Not to give up? Not to drown myself in food? I dunno. Too tired to think it through.

But I was so happy for the good weigh in today. It seemed to lift me up. I can tell that I'm getting a rhythm with working now. Even though it's not easy and I still get stressed, I do my time and then rest of the time is mine.

Tomorrow is the funeral for Grandpa. I'm having Husband make the appointment to put down the cat on Sunday. I kind of want to be there with her. She's such a delicate little thing, and I hate to think that her last minutes on earth would be in a strange place with her being scared. I think that if I were with her... she would have some comfort in that. Just as Grandpa wanted to die with family around him, I think I could afford the same courtesy to someone (something?) that has brought me so much joy and comfort these past 14 years.

And I definitely don't want to have to do that on a day where I have to work/drive! Those days are hard enough without having to deal with the cat as well.

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 01/25/2008:
GREAT FOR YOU!!!!!! I like your user name....My maiden name was Burrow...You can imagine the razz I got about that sometimes, especially when somebady was mad at me..... Have a great weekend!


shadetree on 01/25/2008:
And you have found a rainbow in the storm....Glad you're getting into a rhythm with work. Once you get used to things you'll look back and wonder why you were so anxious! You'll be just fine. Promise!

I will continue to pray for you this weekend, that you have the strength to make it through okay...I know you'll be okay.

Take care!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/25/2008:
hello there! congrats on a great weigh in! :) sometimes busy weeks do us good. although we don't get in our regular exercise, we still have a lot keeping us occupied!


CharlieAngel on 01/25/2008:
Sorry about your grandpa and the kitty! Sad stuff for you...but you are coping well with work and hey...yeah you...you lost weight. Take care and have the best weekend possible under the circumstances. Blessings to you!


mylifechanges on 01/25/2008:
good for you with your number results! you're doing great! I'm so sorry to hear about both your grandfather and your cat. :( Animals can become such big parts of our lives...it's always difficult to say goodbye. Many blessings your way!


geevee on 01/25/2008:
Oh, can I relate!What fantastic progress! I once did what you did, and then I went astray, HOWEVER,I am now back on track and hope to meet up with you in the "20's"


biscottibody59 on 01/26/2008:
So much sorrow to deal with all at once. Hope you get some needed rest in the coming days as well!

Glad you had a good weigh-in!

(And needless to say, I appreciate the support whenever possible:-)



Donkey - Thursday Jan 24, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 128.5

Donkey is tired.

Grandpa (Husband's grandfather) has passed away. We received the call late last night. Friday (tomorrow) is the wake, which I cannot attend because of the damn job. Saturday is the funeral and luncheon. I'm sure both will be so sad... And nothing like having a huge honkin' luncheon buffet on a sad occasion.

I am still sick. It seems to hit me really hard around noon. People think I'm falling apart. They keep asking me, "Are you alright?" "Are you OK?" Um, well, I feel like crap, and wish I were at home in bed instead of working -- or trying to learn how to work. Other than that, oh sure fine.

Oh and add on to that, that it was -26F degrees (with wind chill) outside this morning, and I'm out there trying to do a pre-trip inspection of my vehicle in the middle of darkness.

We're putting my beloved cat down this weekend. I think Sunday, if possible. She is no longer eating much of anything any more. She is losing... um... digestive fluids in larger quantities on a regular basis. The scary thing is, no matter which end it comes out, it looks and smells the same. Now that is bad. It's time to let go.

(Great, more sadness. Somebody bake me a cake.)

I did make it to the gym today. I wasn't going to, because I only had 3 hours off between driving runs today (today I did not drive; I only observed or "shadowed" another driver). But I pushed myself to go because I knew it would do my mind and body so much good. And it did.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day. I'm not sure I should weigh in. With all the stress eating earlier this week and lack of exercise midweek... And then not feeling very good at all about this job thing -- I feel so lost and overwhelmed -- I dunno if Donkey needs one more thing to come crashing down on her. But then again, it's just a number, it's just to let me know where I'm at. If nothing else, it's so I'll have an accurate reading for the cardio machines when I resume going to the gym on a regular basis...

Donkey is tired.

Progress as of today: 15.5 lbs lost so far, only -1.5 lbs to go!

shadetree on 01/24/2008:
I am so sorry. I think the stress of Grandpa's passing and your cat and the new job is just really playing havoc with your body...It's only natural that you would be absolutely exhausted. I will be praying for you, sending a bit of strength your way. Hang tough.


workingit2 on 01/24/2008:
Sorry to hear of your loss and all the sickness and stress behind you. It is so difficult to let go of pets, but you know you are doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and get rest when you can. Thoughts and prayers are with you.


crategrl on 01/25/2008:
Sorry to hear about your sadness! I know your days will get brighter!!!



Donkey - Wednesday Jan 23, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 128.5

OK so here it is:

1. I passed the test -- BARELY. I made a HUGE error that personally I would have failed myself for if I had been the one grading. No excuses for what I did, just not thinking. But I did pass, so I should begin a new schedule of working (and working out and eating) tomorrow, but possibly Friday.

2. I have not been eating well this week, nor have I exercised (hardly at all) this week. Therefore, I do not expect a favorable weigh in on Friday.

3. I am still sick. Each day improves *slightly* but not by much. Now it's in my chest and I'm coughing all the time.

It seems that too much is happening all at once and I'm totally unprepared for all the changes!

Progress as of today: 15.5 lbs lost so far, only -1.5 lbs to go!

fritters on 01/23/2008:
Congratulations on passing your test! That has to feel good.


CritterMom on 01/24/2008:
You've been under stress, and that taxes your immune system. No wonder you're sick. I hope you will find some ways to relax and get some exercise in, too. Those things boost the immune system and will help you feel better.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/24/2008:
Sometimes we just have those unavoidable weeks that are less than motivating for us because of everything else we have to do. But you know what, you have been doing a great job maintaining! Remember, you reached one of the most difficult goals people make in weightloss. Now, all you have to do is keep moderating what you eat, week to week. I know it is easier said than done...but at least you don't have to face being at your heigheset weight and also going through all this stress.

When you feel better, that's probably the best time to get the exercise in. If you have a chest cough, I wouldn't do much cardio at all. If it was just a cold, then it would be a better idea. :)

Feel better. I know you can hang tough.


workingit2 on 01/24/2008:
Congratulations on passing the test! Now that is one worry off your mind! Sometimes everything hits hard and fast and when we don't feel well, it really messes with our heads. Take care of yourself and get as much rest as you can! Have a great day =)


shadetree on 01/24/2008:
You passed. That's all that matters. (I finally convinced myself of this after I got my first B in college - I'm a geek in case no one realizes that - and I freaked...but then I realized that no one asks what your GPA was in college, they just care that you have the degree - that you passed. And you passed.

Chest congestion - hopefully productive coughing - you're on the mend! Tomorrow is another day and it will be better!



Donkey - Tuesday Jan 22, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 128.5

Friends of DD, you have always been with me, throughout the year last year, through good times and bad, thick and thin.

So I'm posting today to let you know that my test for my CDL is tomorrow. I do not expect to pass. I am nervous. I never do well for driving tests.

I am still sick. I skipped the gym today because I was dizzy and congested when I woke up. Tomorrow, I will wake up not so early and give myself time to do whatever I have to do so that I feel better by the time my test starts (i.e. take medicine and give it time to kick in, hot shower, menthol rub, etc.). I do not plan on going to the gym tomorrow either.

I have been eating chocolate like it is a food group. I must say, it has helped calm my nerves, even if it's not very nutritious.

So I just have to get through tomorrow morning. I know that regardless of whatever happens, I will still have friends here.

Progress as of today: 15.5 lbs lost so far, only -1.5 lbs to go!

shadetree on 01/22/2008:
I used to work for a trucking company and based on what I remember, you should be okay (unless you are like me and cannot back up...) Just remember to BREATHE! I'm trying to remember - is it just written or is there a driving section as well? If it's written only you should really be okay. Is there a DMV/Secretary of State (whatever it is there) branch that is easier than others? (I know it's not supposed to happen, but we had drivers that would drive an hour to renew their hazmat because that particular branch was so much more lenient.)

have a piece of chocolate, (okay - I'm not supposed to tell you to do that, but we're in kind of a mini-crisis it sounds like) and BREATHE! Good luck!


dearerdiarist on 01/22/2008:
I am just here to remind you to think as positively as you are able and to have confidence in yourself and your teachers. We are all rooting for you, I am sure that you know that, but it is majorly important that you root for your dear self. I believe that there are angels on shoulders. Be sure to pat yours :)


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/22/2008:
are you nervous about the driving test? is that why you are sick? sometimes i get really tired/run down when i think about things i am unsure about. Just thinking about things sometimes draws my energy...its not a usual occurance, like depression or anything, but that may have added to your sickness.

dark chocolate is nutritious...have some of that...:)

i wish you loads of goodluck tomorrow as well as some feeling better wishes, too! :)


hollybelle on 01/23/2008:
Hope it went well. Mama said there'd be days like this......you can do it!



Donkey - Saturday Jan 19, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 128.5

Well.... Just trying to survive the weekend, I think.

1. I am still sick. Had zero energy today.

2. Visited Husband's Grandpa in the hospital today. They are making arrangements for hospice care today, as well. Will know more tomorrow, but he should be coming home very soon. At least he will end his life in the comfort of a home and not in a hospital.

3. Vet took an x-ray of my dear kitty to find out that she has a tumor on her intestines (cancer). (FYI --- it was cheaper to get an x-ray than it would be to get another blood test.) We are seeking no further treatment for her, and plan to make her final days as comfortable as possible.

I have nothing else to say right now.

Progress as of today: 15.5 lbs lost so far, only -1.5 lbs to go!

shadetree on 01/19/2008:
Sorry Donkey. You're just having a tough time lately emotionally, physically, must be terrible...Stay strong. Know that your family (cat included) are in my prayers...


workingit2 on 01/19/2008:
What a rough day all around for you :( Saying prayers for you and your family..rest and take care of yourself.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/19/2008:
FEEL BETTER. it seems both you and Greengirl are sick so there must be a virus spreading via internet. :(

I hope everything gets better with you dad. I'm sorry to hear about your cat.


fritters on 01/20/2008:
I am sorry to hear your sad news. I hope you feel better soon. I hope that Grandpa can be comfortable. I hope kitty isn't suffering. I had to put my cat to sleep last Feb. Her jaw broke and after a few weeks and two diffrent vets it was determined through x-ray that she had bone cancer and that had caused the break. It was the first animal I had put to sleep and it was so hard - but I know that it was the best decision for her. I held her while the vet did his thing and she just went to sleep. I brought her home and had a funeral. Sounds silly, but made me feel better! I hope your life gets easier soon.



Donkey - Friday Jan 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 128.5

Well, at least the weigh-in went well :-) Lost a pound in spite of having ice cream last night. So I am still maintaining, during this stressful job training period, so that is a job well done.

I realized that part of my problem with the driving test is that i am in such a hurry to get it done and over with that I don't execute the skills as well as if I just **RELAXED** and **TOOK MY TIME**. When will Donkey learn that she cannot control everything in life? I rush through things in an attempt to gain control, and it only sets me back further.

So even if I fail my test, it is a good test of my character (not sure if that's the right word). Maybe it would be better to say, it would be a good test FOR my character. To challenge myself to put things into the proper perspective, not stress out so much.

Today I have a 3 mile run planned. I still have a cold; I wish it were gone.

Progress as of today: 15.5 lbs lost so far, only -1.5 lbs to go!

jon'smom on 01/18/2008:
I have a problem with rushing through things too. And I hate to be rushed! I hope everything works out for you in the end. Great job with the one pound weight loss!


workingit2 on 01/18/2008:
Congratulations!!

Trying to control things is huge with me as well. And I agree...it is a challenge not to stress!

Have a great day and enjoy your run!


legcramps on 01/18/2008:
Good job!


dearerdiarist on 01/18/2008:
Hi! I've been knowing that you were going to have this training and then take the test, but I feel like I am lost somehow.... You are taking a driving test? Catch me up, okay? Sorry :( I am a control person myself inspite of all the evidence that it never works... what is one to do? I hope that you have a nice weekend, in spite of your anxiety.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/18/2008:
you are maintaining...doing well at a new job...and getting all your goals done! don't think you aren't doing anything right, because you are!!! enjoy your 3 mile run!


shadetree on 01/19/2008:
YAY! Another pound gone! Two and a half from goal!

Hope you had a good run!



Donkey - Thursday Jan 17, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

Tomorrow is weigh-in day. That is the only reason why I am writing now. Job training is not going as well as expected. The test will be very difficult.

To top off all this stress and anxiety --- I went from having AF/TOM to having an awful sinus infection. I hope today is the worst of it. There is nothing positive I can say about being sick. Well, I suppose there is, because the cold medicine takes away my appetite, LOL.

EVENING EDIT: I just wanted to clarify or apologize for sounding like such a whiny ass - er, whiny donkey - earlier today (see above). It's not that I expected anyone to hand me a job. You see, I need a CDL for this job, so this entails another behind-the-wheel driving course, only with a big ol' school bus instead of a car. I vowed when I got my driver's license for my car that I would do whatever in my power to NEVER EVER have to take behind-the-wheel again.

So what do I do? I sign up for a job that involves driving. Well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or maybe I will pass the test. It is just darn frustrating to do well on the skills and then to blow it at the very end with just one thing (hitting the curb with my rear tire -- big deal, I see truckers do this all the time and they have jobs).

Well, what is life without the challenge? As I came to realize earlier today, even though it ain't fun to fail, there IS life after failure.

It would be a huge disappointment though. I would feel like I let people down, most of all my Husband and myself. :-( Well, Monday is a holiday (MLK day) and Tuesday is review and Wednesday is my test. I have the weekend to study.

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

dearerdiarist on 01/17/2008:
It sounds bleak :( It must be very difficult to concentrate on the job training first with one thing and then another. Maybe that test won't be as difficult as you have heard or imagine. I hope not. Don't fret. Just take it one thing at a time so that you don't crash, okay?


shadetree on 01/17/2008:
The test may be difficult, but you can do it! what is life without a good challenge? Hope you have a good weigh in tomorrow! Feel better!


workingit2 on 01/17/2008:
You have so much going on! Take care of yourself and get better quickly! Good luck tomorrow =)


applemarket on 01/18/2008:
Good luck with the studying and the test, and the weigh-in!! And get well soon! I'm sure the people around you would not feel any disappointment in you for any reason, so don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to please others who love you unconditionally to begin with! Good luck again!



Donkey - Monday Jan 14, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.5

My anxiety level this morning is through the roof. It is almost making me sick to my stomach. I feel like I could easily eat my whole pantry. I will write more later when I have something more productive to say.

I just had to get that off my chest. I'm hoping the more times I say it, the less it will feel worse. That is, it will start to feel less and less bad. It's an awful feeling....

Progress as of today: 14.5 lbs lost so far, only -0.5 lbs to go!

jmarie60 on 01/14/2008:
Take a few seconds for yourself. Just go somewhere calm (if you can find somewhere calm) and just breathe.

We all need to have a little "me time" to help us collect our thoughts and decompress.


workingit2 on 01/14/2008:
Congratulations on the weigh-in on Friday! Somehow I missed your entry.

I know the feeling of the anxiety...I've been struggling with it lately here as well. I've had to call in all the resources, breathing deeply, calling family, meditation yadda yadda. Anxiety is hell, but at least we know how to deal with it most of the time.

Take care of yourself. Sending prayers that the bad feelings go away quickly and that you have a better day.


CritterMom on 01/14/2008:
What is it that's making you feel so stressed? Take an objective look at it, and say to yourself "if the worst really happened, what would REALLY happen as a result?" Would the world stop spinning? Probably not. Sometimes we build things up in our minds, or are trying to live up to other's expectations, so that we make ourselves sick with worry. Life is just too short to allow ourselves to live that way. Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Examine why the thing that is bothering is so important...and decide if it really is that important to you. Then play out some "what if" scenarios, to plan ahead how you could best handle each variation of the "what if". Sometimes saying out loud...I really DON'T care about that, or have a real stake in that, makes dealing with other people's expectations of our involvement a lot easier.

~smile!~ Attitude is half the battle.


borntocry on 01/14/2008:
You poor thing. Try not to eat your whole pantry - it will only make you feel worse. Do something that will make you feel better. (Maybe a really good workout? Or is that pushing it?)


borntocry on 01/14/2008:
P.S. I just read CritterMom's comment to you, and I must say that is excellent advice. It's something I've been trying to do myself lately. You know as women (and elder children - you're an eldest child too, aren't you?) we tend to take on a lot of responsibility, and there's really no need. Sometimes the worst that can happen isn't really that bad. Here's hoping that's the case for you!


dearerdiarist on 01/14/2008:
I am thinking of you and sending you those good thoughts. You are so dear and worthwhile. Crittermom has really said it all. Take those deep breaths. You are only one woman, you can't be in charge of the whole world. Be extra nice to yourself in as many ways as you can think of today, okay?


legcramps on 01/14/2008:
I agree with BTC - sometimes the things we worry about we really needn't bother because it turns out to not be as big of a deal as we thought it would!


CharlieAngel on 01/14/2008:
I totally agree with Crittermom! Take care and don't try to stuff your feelings of anxiety with food! It won't accomplish anything in the long run. Is this anxiety something that you deal with alot? If so, have you seen a DR about it? Just take care of yourself....you are so worth the effort! Hope your day turns right around....and that peace and contentment wash over you. Just breathe!


maria777 on 01/14/2008:
Please read my yesterday's entry! I know how it feels to want to binge! Hang in there! You are doing so well! Don't give in!


fritters on 01/14/2008:
I hope you were able to settle down. Sometimes, if it works with your schedule a nice hot shower or soak with a good book helps. I hope you stayed out of the pantry!


shadetree on 01/14/2008:
Inhale------------------and------exhale----------

Hope you are doing a little better!


Horn_Of_Plenty on 01/15/2008:
I like what shadetree said. what is wrong over there??? maybe it is true and when i'm doing well, you really are struggling!? NO! It has to stop! I really hope everything is ok and if you need to vent MORE on here, please do so and maybe we can help.



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