Pay no attention to that number in the weight column. Monday it was 117.5. Tuesday it was 121.5. Today it is 116.0. I have 2 scales that are 1lb off, and both scales correspond to the influx in weight. So that leads me to conclude that the number on the scale is nothing but donkey-doo.
My phone call was returned yesterday and it was not good news, but it was not unexpected. I can't make my problems go away by ignoring them, so I will have to fight them until I have no further recourse. I was able to convey that I have done considerable effort on my part, but I still have some nagging issues. I don't know if I should bring them up. Husband says I should not, but if you have questions, shouldn't you ask?
I am talking to someone about my anxiety tomorrow. So far, I have been able to get SOME sleep (as opposed to little to no sleep), but only out of sheer exhaustion. But 4-5 hours is better than 3 hours or 2-hour chunks throughout the night. I hope that this person will be able to help me get a grip on my nerves.
Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!
Just checking to let you know that I'm still hanging on to that knot at the end of my rope :-) It'll be all right. (Although - I'm expecting a phone call that will tell me if it will *really* be all right or if I have to hang onto that knot a little longer.)
My husband mentioned yesterday that maybe I'm getting a little too thin. Hmm. I don't think so. My weight is still healthy. I eat a lot. I exercise. I think it's jut because my body fat % is 15, so I do admit I look lean. Ahh you gotta love summertime. I love being outside and active, eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. OF COURSE I'm going to be leaner. DUH! Now check back with me after Thanksgiving, when the Christmas cookies start to come out ;-) Trust me, it'll be a different story.
Progress as of today: 26.5 lbs lost so far, only -12.5 lbs to go!
Hang in there! Oh and yeah, for real about Thanksgiving and Christmas LOL!
Last night, I think I had a full blown panic attack. I was with dh at the kids' belt testing for TKD. Because there's a parade today, ALL the belts tested last night, instead of having the higher belts test on Saturday morning, so there were twice the number of people testing. It was hot (even though the AC was on & they had fans running), it was crowded, it was long, it was boring. (Oh Lord was it BORING.)
It started innocently enough. I started to feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I wasn't hyperventilating. Just every 2 minutes or so, I had to take a very deep breath because I felt smothered. Then this "wave" - that is the only way I can describe what it felt like - of panic and sadness and grief just came over me. I couldn't stop crying. Fortunately, I am a quiet crier, so I just put my head in my husband's shoulder and sobbed quietly. We left the building, and I sat out in the car to listen to some music (which helps take my mind off of thoughts), and then I sat outside the building, by the large glass windows so that I could see the kids finishing up their belt testing. I drove the family home. I felt much better.
I realized in the car, though, that I cannot be falling apart like this. I am stronger than this. Why am I letting people beat me down (figuratively speaking)? I can overcome this adversity. But I can't do it if I'm falling apart! I can't think clearly if I'm overcome with anxiety.
I NEED TO REMAIN STRONG AND CALM. STRONG AND CALM. (hey, new mantra!)
On Thursday, my husband made an appointment for me to talk to someone. I know I can work this out; I've had anxiety problems before that I resolved -- quite readily, in fact. 3 months of talk therapy and some cognitive rethinking and I was back on my feet. I think that what I need is a "refresher course" and just am objective voice to help keep me grounded.
Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of reasons to be anxious. I'm kind of a worrier anyway (mothers worry about everything), plus with all this c**p that's happening lately, my reaction should not be surprising. But I can't allow that to overtake what is good within me. Could this be a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing? Hmm... The Good (what I know in my heart) must remain strong and intact or the Evil (fear, anxiety) will overtake me. But enough of this literary references. This is real life, not some book with a happy ending.
My weight is up 2.5lb today. Great. I have no idea why; I did everything right yesterday. I'm just going to chalk it up to fluctuation and not panic. It's rather humid here in the midwest, so maybe it's water retention. Did I have salty foods last night? Hmm... maybe I did, I can't remember...
The thing is not to panic. ;-)
Progress as of today: 26 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!
as for the weight, you know it fluctuates. i know it's hard to accept though. my weight went for a major fluctuation this week in a majorly wrong direction too! smartly, i didn't let it affect my negative thinking so much this time. :)
Good Weekend to you!
Wishing you a good day!
The anxiety is just overwhelming. I can't even begin to describe it, except to say that it sucks when you continually feel like you are having your breath knocked out of you. And that you are constantly "on edge", ready to fly off. There isn't a single day that doesn't go by where I think about parking my car on the railroad tracks and waiting for the train to come by.
(((Of course, I would NEVER EVER act on this, for my children's sake. I know what it's like to grow up with an absent parent, and I would not wish that pain on ANYONE much less my own children, whom I love desperately.)))
Diet and exercise: Diet is mostly fruits & vegetables, some protein, very few breads (and those that I have are high fiber). Exercise is the only thing that dulls the pain and makes me feel alive -- whole. I know I'm ok when I'm in motion. Running 3x a week and the elliptical 5x a week. It's my little safe corner in the world.
Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!
Xo.
Please don't take the burden of risking your health for the benefit of numbing yourself to life...... Either way as it is now, you are slowly taking yourself away from your kids by continuing to ignore there is a problem that needs to be addressed.....Best seek professional help of some sort before you aren't around due to withering away....
Best of luck Donkey!
i speak for everyone when i say we only want the best for you.
While I cannot speak to what you, personally, are going through or what you need in order to help yourself..I just wanted to say how cool it is that you are sharing this with us, and that you are not alone at all.
Hang in there, Donkey. You are good people!
With all these people changing their names here on DD, I have no idea who anyone is any more...
Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
Time to cut the crap and face the music.
Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!
Take care & be healthy donkey!
What is your plan of attack? I cant wait to find out. :o)
I have not continued to do well. That is, the past 2 days were not very good at all. I dread going back to work. But I will be fine once I get there. Over Spring Break, I have had the opportunity to talk about my job to several people who did not know what I was doing. It really helped to get it off my chest, some of my anxieties and doubts, as well as some of the positive things that I like about the job.
Job job job -- it's just a JOB! It's not like it's my LIFE! So enough about the job already :-)
I realize that this current round of weight struggles started once I decided to come off of maintenance range (128lb - 132lbs) and try to lose more weight. I think that, yes, perhaps my body and mind is more content at a higher weight (yuck), say 130-135. This angers me, but it's something that I should probably learn to accept.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
Focus on yourself, your health and work is work. It sucks by definition. :) xo.
Hope you find some time to update one of these days! Something!
Hang in there Donkey friend! (See ya' later?)
Thanks for the Mommy and Me suggestion. I will look into it, since Im looking for additional mommy friends as well as an effective way to become healthier. My only concern is cost of these classes - our finances are a little tight due to living on a single income.
I hope you are doing well!
haha, i am still doing pushups thanks to you. and yes, i've eaten hords of fiber one bars in the past too! I am very good at finishing boxes of granola bars.
I have not posted in a while. My weight was WAY out of control during the week of Easter, climaxing at 138.5 on Monday. I think between the stress at work and the stress at home, I just wanted to eat until I felt nothing at all.
I am happy to say that I feel that I am getting back on track. Already the numbers are heading back down to maintenance range (128-132). I am at 135 right now. I can feel the extra bloating on my body, but I actually feel better mentally and physically weighing a little more.
Is that possible? Is it possible to feel heavier and yet feel good about it? Or am I just in so deep of a state of denial that all hope is lost? (well, not "lost" but "out to sea")
This week, I am off of work, Husband is on vacation and the kids are off of school. We are spending the time just relaxing at home, doing fun stuff and other necessities around town. I told my Daughter (7) that even though we did not do anything fancy or go anywhere for the vacation, that this is so nice just to be together as a family without the daily stress of work and work. And work.
Did I mention that I've come to the realization that my new job is really stressing me out? I definitely need to work on relaxing about that. I'm at the point now where if I don't pass probation (90 working days), that would be ok with me. I will apologize for not being up to their standards and thank them so much for the learning experience and the opportunity to try, even though I was unsuccessful. I will also thank them for the opportunity to meet so many nice people and be a part of the "family" for the time that I was employed. I will smile and hold my head high as I walk out of that office.
Of course I will miss the nice paycheck and the people that I've befriended. But hey, life goes on, and I'm a survivor. I'll be ok.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
Have a wonderful time with your family...
Enjoy your week off with the family!
Isn't it a shame that the weight doesn't come off as easily as we can put it on? Still, I am definitely feeling more motivated to stay on track. My sinus infection is improving as well. Still there, but every day is a little better.
Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
Have a great weekend!
I still can see another half a pound gone there! You're doing great. If I was your weight now, I would be 18 pounds UNDER my goal. Hahaha. Enjoy, I am sure you look and feel fantastic!
I tell you Donkey, it was scary how quickly and how much weight I put back on in just a few weeks of weakness. Thank goodness I finally pulled up and started back on the straight and narrow. It will take me until the summer just to get back to where I was last summer. You stay strong before you do the same thing (you always were the strong one amongst us!!!). Take care :)
Survived another week! And the bingeing weight seems to be coming off slowly.
On Thursday I did not go to the gym after all. I did some extra driving to check out a route I would be driving later on in the afternoon (good thing too, because there was a tricky turn/curve that I spotted ahead of time). Then I came home to find that my kids forgot their snack (dd) and lunch (ds), so I drove over to the schools to deliver said food.
So it wasn't in the cards yesterday. Today I did go workout, and took it nice and easy for 65 minutes on the elliptical. However, I regretted my decision afterwards. I realized I should have come home and rested. I still have this awful sinus infection. Get this -- I cleared up at the gym and at work but the minute I come home, I start to clog up again. I wonder if the dander from the cats is causing my sinuses to go into overdrive. Hmm...
But I digress. I'm glad that my weight is back into maintenance range (127-133 is my official range). The weather seems to be improving here and there too which is wonderful for the morale.
My goal for the next week is to try to have "fun" at the job, not to get so stressed out or take things too personally over there. If they are going to fire me, that's their problem not mine. In the meantime, I will try to do the best that I can do. Otherwise, stress eating will be my demise.
Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 2.5 lbs to go!
Do'nt let the stress mess with your eating healthy and staying in your "range"... Sunshine does the soul/mind wonders does'nt it?....
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
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Im sorry about the news you got from the phone call. In my opinion, you should definitely ask questions if something is bugging you. Otherwise, you will obsess about it and eventually eat you up inside.
Im glad you were able to get some sleep. A little is better than none. Good luck with your anxiety discussion. I hope you find some answers and relief soon.
WI3 on 07/30/2008:
You know what? Remember back when you were struggling to get your weight to your goal? The fact that you are at goal and have even gone lower..seriously, that is a big accomplishment. And when you were struggling to maintain, and with the bus driving job and everything. As long as you aren't hurting yourself to lose the weight or keep it off, you have done a very very very good job...I am very impressed! I mean that!
I'm not sure what your struggles are, but wow, I read your entries and in spite of your humor (that Donkey humor that is so cool!) it feels like there are some very heavy things going on. I am so happy for you that you are going to speak to someone and get some assistance. You are a strong person and have been through a great deal, the move, trying to sell the house, all that frustration, the job, kids being sick, everything. But even the strongest of us need a haven and I am very glad to read you are going to create one for yourself. I wish you all the best!
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/30/2008:
in my adult life, and i'm excluding college years when it dipped a couple pounds lower, my lowest which only lasted for about 1-2 weeks was around 107. i reached it when i was busiest, under the most stress, and being watched by everyone and everyone at work.
i'm glad you are doing something proactive for yourself! :)