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Donkey - Friday Nov 27, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.0

I'm still fat.  This seems to be a number that my body likes.  Unfortunately, I can feel the extra weight and it's uncomfortable.

BUT --  I feel renewed and motivated.  Not so much to lose weight per se but to make a better life for myself and those around me.  And so this higher number has got to go.

I DID go to the (step) family party yesterday.  It went well, I think.  I did not have much to say, which is ok.  I shouldn't feel pressured to reveal anything when someone says, "So what's new with you?" because truthfully, not much is new with me.  Oh sure, I'm volunteering as a literacy tutor (ESL and math).  And I'm still involved with the Wedding Hostess thing at church.  I know those count as worthy endeavors -- I should NOT discount what I do.  I dunno, I just didn't feel like talking about myself.

I overate.  Not binge though, so I have indeed made progress.  This is one of the advantages of being at a higher number that my body likes.  I can overeat and still maintain.  I think maintaining the lower body weight contributed to binge eating.

However, that does not mean that I have given up.  It just means that this time, when I lose weight, I need to do it moderately, healthy, carefully.

And I'm glad I pushed myself and went to the party.

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/27/2009:
good for you for showing up yesterday! it is so easy to isolate, but not so easy to present ourselves when we arent feeling 100%. love to you.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/29/2009:
just passing by. nice entry :-) i'm glad you went to the party too. :-)

biscottibody59 on 12/04/2009:
Hope you're having a good week!

greengirl on 12/09/2009:
Hope you are well, Donkey ?

Donkey - Saturday Nov 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.0

Yes, I'm fatter than I thought. 

I've decided that I WILL try my hardest to attend that Thanksgiving party.  I will consider it a personal challenge to do so.  It will be alright because I don't have much to say.  "Not much is new" would qualify as a valid answer here, and that's fine.  The people there just want to have a good time, so me being there won't really change that.  I might as well try and push myself out of my comfort zone, in a positive direction.  I can always leave early.


( Content edited.)

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/22/2009:
congrats on everything working out so well with your church! and of course you can friend me on facebook! and of course you can add me on sparkpeople, i don't go on much but you can friend me there, or, what is your email? i'll send you my name on facebook by email bc i do not want my full name on dietdiaries.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/27/2009:
did you go donkey? i hope you had an overall nice thanksgiving. catch up with you later!

Donkey - Saturday Nov 21, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 155.0

I wanted to add as a post-script - but separate from my other, happier entry:

I cannot gain any more weight.  We are having a cash crunch here at my house at the moment, and cannot buy groceries (or anything else for that matter) until my husband gets paid for work.

So I definitely need to pull back and scale back what I eat, and make what we have last longer.

Unfortunately, this hit us at a time when my food pantry & refrigerator is not well stocked.

While I am not happy that we are cash poor, if this is what it takes to get my eating under control and get me back on the path to good health, then so be it.

Please, do not pity my family.  We are not as desolate as others in the world.  This is a bump in the road.  I have to believe that better times are ahead of us in the near future.

Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/22/2009:
im so sorry to hear this news! i know how groceries can take a financial toll. hang in there and reclaim your faith, beauty and power. xoxo

Donkey - Friday Nov 20, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 151.0

Once again, I am not sure what I weigh, but I know it's not good.  I haven't been doing much of anything towards dieting or exercising.  I'm in a total funk.

Not that I'm using this as an excuse but my refrigerator broke last week, and it took 5 days for the part to get ordered and installed.  Not only did this make having fresh produce available difficult -- I lost a lot of it to rot, unfortunately -- but it was a rather painful financial set-back as well. 

I am in the process of making Thanksgiving plans. Since my husband is now working night shift, he will be sleeping or working over the holiday weekend.  I decided that the kids should be with their grandparents over the weekend. For the actual Thanksgiving, I had made plans to go to my stepfather's family's party, but now I'm starting to have serious second thoughts about doing that. 

I find the idea of facing a large number of people that I do not know very well -- yet they all know each other quite well -- to be daunting.  And lonely.  Why would I subject myself to such uncomfortableness?  Under eating conditions like that?  Doesn't that just invite a binge? More importantly, it sets up yet another scenario where I am the outcast, the one that doesn't belong, the lonely girl.

So now I am thinking about having my mom pick up the kids and she can take them to the party and then they will go home with her.  I can have hot dogs, knit, and or sleep in the comfort of my own home. 

Progress as of today: 29 lbs lost so far, only 21 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/21/2009:
i highly recommend that you go to the party. don't stay home like that...which will probably invite a binge more than attending a party. when you go, just sample everything...don't limit youself or NOT allow things. try what you want, a little of everything, no seconds, and you'll be satisfied. I've tried this, and it worked best for me. of course, seconds with veggies are ok!

you will have your kids to keep you company there! and i'm SURE you WILL find someone to talk to! i am the same as you and hate social situations, especially if i'm NOT close with the people there. but, have a drink or two, and just enjoy the evening. don't put expectations, good or bad, on the dinner and just go. you will be ok. but you should go, in my opinion.

i also commented on your last entry bc i was meaning to, but kept putting it off.

stay well donkey! :-) nice to see a post from you.

Donkey - Wednesday Nov 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 151.0

I'm trying to get back on track in a few ways:

1.  Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

2.  Get my butt back in the gym.

3.  Cut out excess eating, especially after dinner and Halloween candy.

I've held this idea that I would not be so overweight if I ate what I ate at meals.  It's the extra, unplanned eating that puts on most of the extra weight.  I'm not saying I'm against snacks -- I think snacks are a great thing to keep the metabolism stoked.  So this is eating outside of planned, portion controlled snacks.

This is what helped me get back on track (someone said to me):

I'm strugglilng with things in my life.  I'd be struggling if I were thin, I'd be struggling if I were fat.  So I might as well struggle as a thin person rather than a fat person.


Progress as of today: 29 lbs lost so far, only 21 lbs to go!

grumpy on 11/11/2009:
I'm with you, girl. Also having a hard time getting back on track. Funny, my goal weight is the weight you're in right now! give it to me! :) let's try to cut the unplanned eating. im game!

hollybelle on 11/11/2009:
Yes, planning - is what I do when I am successful and what I am not doing right now. Why, why, why? Am I this way sometimes and not at others?

biscottibody59 on 11/12/2009:
I so hear you on that last paragraph! Hang in there!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/21/2009:
i'm not sure if i totally agree with your last sentence. you are right there are struggles in life, but i don't know if you're doing yourself any justice to put it like that....

of course, your plan sounds good. i also have trouble most with unplanned eating. i've been able to keep my eating in check, with many high cal days but eventually balancing it out...until this past thursday night. but for the past couple weeks, my average calories were about 2250 i think. and even though it's high, it's not unreasonably high. so, aside from thursday, maybe i am doing better.

always remember, one day at a time. i was able to take a nap yesterday around 6 before the gym and it's the best thing i could have done (instead of eating like thursday!) :-)

Donkey - Saturday Nov 07, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 151.0

Pretty much status quo. :-(

Progress as of today: 29 lbs lost so far, only 21 lbs to go!

biscottibody59 on 11/07/2009:
Good to see you check in! As for me: One big "Ugh!" Letting myself off the hook a little too often.

needs_this22 on 11/07/2009:
almost thirty pounds gone, congrats!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/09/2009:
hey donkey. lately, i feel a tad overworked and stressed out. It really affected my weekend. So, I'm trying to do unstress today. I was doing good, too! :-) So, now i'll continue that way. My advice is take one day at a time. try not to let bad days consume you. :-)

Donkey - Saturday Oct 31, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 151.5

Weighed in today.  I pretty much guessed the number before I stepped on the scale.

Progress as of today: 28.5 lbs lost so far, only 21.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/31/2009:
hello donkey! :-) happy halloween to you.i hope all the kiddies ate the rest of your candy supply! :-)

belly on 11/04/2009:
I'm eating both my kid's candy. And my daughter is 4. That takes the cake for worst mom of the year. Hope you got rid of yours! ;)

Donkey - Monday Oct 26, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.0

I keep eating Halloween candy.  This is not good.

Progress as of today: 33 lbs lost so far, only 17 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/27/2009:
it may not be good. but it sure tastes good. buy something else to have as tasty alternative in your house!!! :-) feel better...

hollybelle on 10/27/2009:
I am hiding my halloween candy at the office - downstairs in the kitchen and won't take it home until Friday. Maybe I can resist 24 hours! I usually don't buy until last minute, but there was a good sale.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/30/2009:
haha, that is funny. hollybelle is hiding her candy but she KNOWS exactly where it is. a good plan for some of us. not i!

Donkey - Sunday Oct 25, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.0

I ate a bunch of Halloween candy today.

I also managed to do some errands that I have been putting off.  Unfortunately, I just remembered a few more I have to do, so this will be short.

Progress as of today: 33 lbs lost so far, only 17 lbs to go!

Donkey - Saturday Oct 24, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 147.0

I am slowly making the adjustment to my husband's schedule.  I sleep better at night since his snoring doesn't wake me up.  Sometimes, I sleep until noon so that I have some time with my husband, even if it's spent sleeping.

I now knit in front of my computer while I watch DVD's during the day.

I started my tutor training for ESL instruction (learning how to be an "English as a Second Language" instructor).  It is not all that I had hoped it would be, from what I can tell.  I start my actual "hands on" training on Tuesday(s), so I will have a better idea if this is something I can actually do.

I have not been exercising, tracking calories or drinking enough water.  I now realize that losing weight will not bring me the relief from grief or happiness or satisfaction of accomplishment that I need.

Maybe I will start going to the gym again in November.  It won't help but ... well.. whatever.

Progress as of today: 33 lbs lost so far, only 17 lbs to go!

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