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Donkey - Wednesday Aug 19, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

No weigh-in today.  I hadn't planned on blogging but I had to congratulate **starfish** on her latest weight loss accomplishment! :-)

I've been very busy because my children's school starts this week (tomorrow).  Today we go/went to both kids' schools to get them set up.  I am so worried about my son, but also very hopeful.  I hope he has a good time in Middle School.  I see so much potential there.   I hope it is not ruined by nasty kids and bullies.

So in the middle of all this last minute shopping, I get this call from a number that has been trying to reach me all of last week.  I never seem to get to the phone in time to answer it and whoever calls won't leave a voice mail.

I"m in the middle of the boys' section of Kohl's (an American department store) when I get a call from the number and it turns out it's from my doctor's office that I went to at the end of July.

Apparently, there are some abnormal cells.  So the doctor needs to look at my cervix through a microscope and perhaps take a biopsy.  The nurse on the phone said that it is not something that needs to be done within the next 24 hours -- good thing because it took you over a week to finally reach me on the phone -- but that it is something that "needs to be done". 

Well, the doctor is all booked up next week, so I get the scope done 2 weeks from today.  Glad it's not urgent........

I must admit that while I was somewhat taken aback, I was not totally surprised that my tests came back with some problems.  I had had a problem, which is why I went to the doctor in the first place, but by the time I had the appointment, the problem reconciled itself.  And I've had another TOM since the appointment as well.  So I do not expect this go to any further than this.

Actually, it can't because my husband told me that we cannot afford for me to get cancer.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/19/2009:
Re: Thanks for posting. It made me smile. I am actually a Virgo but I think I was supposed to be Leo because I identify with that sign. I am sorry about your health scare. Please let us know if you are alright. I will be praying for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/19/2009:
just passing through and i hope you are going to be ok. it is a good thing you are in a positive mindset with it. i wish only good things.

loveray on 08/20/2009:
hope you are well today. love love

biscottibody59 on 08/21/2009:
Hope you're doing well today! Hang in there Donkey--hoping this is nothing for you to get all riled up about;-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/21/2009:
thinking about you. therapy helped this time around...it kept me in a good mood longer and i was just glad to talk to someone about my feelings and know they were just there to listen/help and not tell me their own feelings about themselves. it's kinda nice having it be all about me. i do hope to get some helpful feedback, moreso, in the weeks to come! :)

i hope you are doing better, too. catch up with us.

Donkey - Monday Aug 17, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

I had not planned on blogging tonight.  In fact, I blog on another site, but truth be told, I feel most comfortable talking here amongst friends.

Weigh-in is tomorrow, and I am almost sure to see a number around 144.  You know, maybe I won't weigh in.  I've had about a week -- yes, ONE WEEK -- of binge eating, and I know that if I weigh in, it will be there, on the scale.

Not that I'm not accountable or responsible.  I'm not saying that at all.  It's just ....  I don't think weighing in would serve its purpose if I did so now.  I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I know that's what I mean.

I found a reason to live today.  My children have been away all week with my mother and my sister, so I had decided I would clean their rooms out while they were gone. 

Unfortunately, due to TOM (cramps) and a bout of strong depression, I did not get started until the day before they are to return home.  I spent most of the afternoon cleaning out their rooms.  And now I see that if nothing else, I need to live so that I can keep my son's room clean.   This was my epiphany for the day.

Until I started on my daughter's room, and I realized that she is just as bad as he is when it comes to throwing things away.  It's just that she keeps the mess better organized.  But it's still a mess, and that is what I am here for, because I know if I were to .... leave.... that my husband would never EVER clean their rooms out and they would have to live with messy, messy rooms I guess until they left the house for college or Husband sold the house.  (Candy wrappers, empty cans/bottles, dust bunny colonies, beads, papers, etc.)

So that is my mission in life, for now.  I managed to get things cleared out, but now I have to get things sorted and put back.  I also have the shelving unit in the living room that holds the children's art supplies and games to organize as well.

It's so comforting to have a purpose to one's life.

This of course, all happened after an *~*AMAZING*~* workout at the gym.  I have decided to focus on cardio until I can get my weight back down SOLIDLY into the 130's.



Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/18/2009:
LOL. I love that your reason to live is to keep the house clean. I am really proud that you are fighting through the depression to get to the gym. You don't have to weigh in if you think it is going to be more hurtful than helpful. I think we know our own bodies pretty well.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/18/2009:
ok, so you live for your kids! good. but, you must live for you too!

so i have a good question, you may not like it, but you must have muscular legs, right? since you do so much cardio. like, they might be the slim muscular or a more heavy muscular but they are not flabby, right? so when you gain weight, do you gain it all over or just in one place? i'm wondering just bc when i gained, it was all over.

but, unfortunately, my legs are not in shape so much and i think it is seen more, the weight, in my thighs. which sucks to the high heavens! lol. and, my goal, is that they will at least look more muscular as i attempt to lose some of the fat, hopefully it'll go down aound my knees.

so my other question is, if your legs were flabby when you were heavier, did they get more muscular with all the cardio you do? lol, i was thinking about this while doing 6 miles today....i'm a dork, i know. hope you don't mind answering. and if you do, thats ok with me too.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/18/2009:
i have been binging often, too.

biscottibody59 on 08/19/2009:
You are keeping very busy--that's for sure! Hope you have a good day!

Donkey - Saturday Aug 15, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

Again my weight was at 144.5 this morning.  Argh, I just keep gaining and losing the same "binge weight" over and over.  This madness must stop.

I went to the gym today and walked on the treadmill with a steep incline.  I wanted to do more, but I felt guilty for being at the gym for so long.  My mission this weekend is to get the kids' rooms in order, so today I am doing bedding laundry.  And possibly cleaning up the floors, so that I can go through the piles of crap that I swept up from the floors and put away or pitch.  

I wanted to go for a bike ride to the library, but it has become awfully humid.  And it is very sunny outside too.  Still, I might go.  I'm dressed for it.

i have gained so much weight that my rings are tight on my fingers.  I do not normally wear any rings, so this was a rude awakening for me.  So now I am wearing my rings as a reminder to me that I can't be eating like I've been eating without feeling some immediate discomfort.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/15/2009:
Re: yes, I hate that too. I can't do the "snack" thing to hold me over until dinner so I won't be hungry. For some reason whenever I start eating, it turns into a meal. I have been "snacking" on frozen fruit. I take a bag or put some in a big bowl. It takes awhile for it thaw so I can't just shovel down. My favorites are frozen mangoes, cherries, and rasberries but our store has fruit medleys. I like it because the fruit last longer (it is frozen) than fresh fruit and it is already cut up for me because I am so lazy or busy that I won't wash and cut up fresh fruit. I eat one big bowl a day which is probably about 200 calories -- a little high for a snack but very nutricious.

thinnside40 on 08/15/2009:
I can't stand humidity!.... Huh, the last 3 weeks have been so hot & humid @ times, my feet/ankles/legs swell to ugily ( A step beyond ugly)..... Anyway, thanks for stopping by today and just saying a hello in welcoming my posting again... I have missed it, but have been away from the computer other than listing items on Ebay and hopping all over the place in bizziness.... I am making time for DD again......

Good Weekend!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2009:
YOU'RE RIGHT. i was hoping i'd escape the binge, get the project done quickly, and enjoy an afternoon long walk at one of my favorite places. but nope, i slipped back into eating comfort zone. now it's close to 7pm, i'm not finished at all with this project, AND i've been home all day. what a horrible day.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/15/2009:
you work for me, i work for you. we'll be each other's therapists. should work very well. ;)

i am in full agreement that this art project shouldn't be a big deal and i shouldn't stress about it. if i hadn't cared so much that the teacher is already pissed at me i wouldn't have made it this big of a deal. when i was little, we had to do paper mache projects and make different things out of this wet newspaper mix, let them dry, and paint them. i didn't know what to make, kept taking more and more paper mache. in the end, i had a 6 foot alligator. in art, there is nothing "small" about it to me. haha. so here i am, making this mammo suite diagram. haha.

catepillar on 08/16/2009:
You also have TOM and it is humid, it wouldn't be a surprise to have extra tight rings. I hate it when that happens, it makes me feel clausterphobic! Don't beat yourself up and waste your whole day hating on yourself. You have a day ahead of you to live and be happy, don't let some tight rings bring you down. :)

I am so sorry you lost your cat :(. It is such a difficult thing to lose a pet because they are part of your world. I know my cat is a very good companion and as sweet as can be. I would be crushed right now if I would have had to put her down. There would be a hole in my heart.

I hope you have a great day and that the water retention eases and those rings start feeling a little better!

biscottibody59 on 08/16/2009:
Hope your day is going well--hang in there!

thinnside40 on 08/17/2009:
Happy Monday!

Donkey - Friday Aug 14, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

OK, well, at least this morning I went to the gym to get in some cardio.

Trying to do better today.

TOM is here and the cramps have kicked in.  Today will be a wash, for the most part.

This weekend is supposed to be H-O-T here in the Chicago area.  Yuck.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

Donkey - Thursday Aug 13, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

I'm not changing my "Current Weight" because I weighed in some time after breakfast, coffee and water.  In fact, it was almost time for lunch and the scale had said 144.5.

That is what FOUR bad days of eating will do.  I have to admit that I was rather shocked that it wasn't higher.

Today was another very difficult day.  However, I was able to get my Major Chore For The Week out of the way -- buying school supplies for my son.

You see the schools have where you can buy the required supplies in packages, through the school.  The PTA earns some money from that.  I didn't order for my son in time - because he is going to a new school this year (for middle school years).  So I figured, well, it'll be OK to just buy his supplies ourselves.


And I STILL didn't get everything he needs on the list.

So between having to do that and feeling like the bottom of the kitty litter box, I did not make it to the gym today.  Frankly speaking, I do not remain optimistic for the remainder of the week.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/13/2009:
I like ordering from the PTA too. I don't even know if the option was offered this year but it is soooo worth it!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/13/2009:
so i've been dilly dallying online too much. and now i'm reading your new entry. i'm not happy with it, frankly speaking!!!!

there isn't a reason you should be torturing yourself this whole week. secondly, tomorrow is friday, practically the end of the week! rejoice in that. and, if possible, do not think about school supplies for the whole weekend. just keep the newspaper/magazine circulars, look at them monday. and start again monday. i HIGHLY recommend NOT doing anything that has to do with school this weekend.

next, from reading your diaries, i have become aware that your binging is many times school related. anything with your kids/school combo does it to you. i just realized that this minute. you shouldn't be shameful of yourself. you are a good mother who cares very much for her children. don't let YOUR anxiety with your kids, new school, other parents/teachers get to you. it's a NEW SCHOOL. they don't even KNOW you. there is no reason for you to keep eating like that. it's still summer.

catepillar on 08/13/2009:
Sorry to read that you are so sad. It is good that you are getting up and going to the things you need to go to and getting things done. Give yourself some slack and don't think you HAVE to do EVERYTHING exactly as planned...it is ok to have a funky day or five in a row..you are human. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are going through a rough patch and you are entitled to allow yourself the freedom to do so. As long as you are getting up, getting a shower and dressing, taking care of those who depend on you for survival (children) the rest of the time can be hanged. The gym will still be there in two days, the laundry will still be there, the dusting, dishes, everything will still be there. And so will you. (((((hug))))))

Donkey - Wednesday Aug 12, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

No weigh-in because yesterday was a bad eating day.  Baaaad eating day... :-(

I had a very difficult day yesterday with sadness, and today is no different, except that yesterday, I still managed to do everything I had to do.

Today is more of a struggle to do anything.

I went to the gym, but only did 30 minutes of cardio. I felt myself falling apart on way to the gym, at the gym and on the way home from the gym. 

I thought that glycrina said it best in her entry. 

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

need2bincontrol on 08/12/2009:
BIG HUG-sometimes reality is overwhelming---you are not alone!!!Take a deep breath and count your blessings--and maybe go to the grocery store and grab 3 ten pound bags of potatoes and and 8 pounds of butter and walk down, even just 1 isle--that was you not so long ago---

and thanks for the post on my page--even just being acknowledged that I'm not totally nuts made me feel better! :)

more hugs

glycrina on 08/12/2009:
Re: Yes it definitely is my stress. When I fight with someone or am worried about something it is hard to think about anything else (for me at least). Cognitively, I can tell myself that I need to let it go and focus on my workout, however, the negative thinking -- the "must" thinking like I must do well on my presentation or my husband "should" do what I want him to do-- gets me so aggravated. I know it is irrational but I get so caught up in my emotion that I can't concentrate on anything else. Then I start thinking "exercise isn't going change; weight loss isn't going to help; being healthy isn't going to make my husband or my work better so what is the point?!?" The truth is I needed the workout more than ever today. I needed to clear my mind and picture the future but I couldn't see the forest through the trees.

Thanks for helping me see that this is normal and I am not alone. Tomorrow will be a better day.

loveray on 08/12/2009:
i love all of your input, ladies- sometimes i forget that i just need to be in a slump. although positive thinking works some wonders, it is truly a blessing to just be with your "ugly" feelings and then let them go. If you can get to exercise or do something else, that is wonderful- but sometimes the body just needs a rest from all of the activity:) yes, i teachc yoga- i completed the training in feb, which is where i met my boyfriend!! it is amazing and such a gift and addition to my full time marketing gig. best to you today! xo

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/13/2009:
so sorry you are stressed. the only thing i can recommend is to get out! meaning, out of the house, out of just being around you. do you have a good friend you can do even just walk with or anything, really. or, just with your kids. just get out of the house. no matter how bad you feel, you need to be with someone to take your mind off of feeling bad.

so therapy went pretty well. i did most of the talking, and even got slightly emotional, tearing eyes almost crying but holding back in order to talk. i felt good after, but then, later on in the night, started to feel WORSE and WORSE. i think it's because talking brought up things i wish to forget in my life or not think about. so, thinking about them again during the night caused me to eat poorly, and the fact i have a huge test, the first one this year, tomorrow. so, that in itself triggers me. tonight, i'll do what i can, but not loose sleep over this test. lol, this can all change. i mentioned to the therapist wanting meds, she said she'd set up an appointment with a psychologist! i am happy about this because i DO FEEL I NEED something to get through this school year and all the stress of constant change in schedule at school and the tests and sitting in class. however, i will be really upset if the medications need to be reported to my doctor...but i guess i would rather have the medication than not.

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 11, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 141.5

Today was weigh-in day.  Not very happy with that number but there's nothing I can do about it now.  Move forward with today....

Actually, that's not so bad considering that I had 2 days of bad eating over the weekend, nor I did not workout Sunday or Monday.

I have only myself to blame.

Progress as of today: 38.5 lbs lost so far, only 11.5 lbs to go!

cupcakeLuv on 08/11/2009:
hey your so close to your goal. Look how far you have come! i just started i have a long wile to go. I look at you and get really motivated. I can't wait to see my little bar move closer to my goal. :) good for you, your doing great!

halley on 08/11/2009:
I'm right there with you. I know it is so frustrating to be doing well, but your clothes aren't quite there yet. I have some "5 more pounds" clothes that I can almost wear - but not quite. It will get better.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/11/2009:
don't be so negative? haha. you shall be ok, but my advice is only to get all the ball and seriously diet your way back to a number you are happier with. or, you'll end up like me, 20 lbs heavier at this point this year compared iwth the same time last year.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/11/2009:
yeah, i'm due for a new entry.

biscottibody59 on 08/11/2009:
Hope you can dust off and move on--easier said than done! I've tried and sometimes succeeded at it. Try your best to get going!

Have a good evening!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/12/2009:
i certainly hope that this therapy goes well, trust me! i'll def let everyone know what i think of it soon.

Donkey - Sunday Aug 09, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

I went to the block party last night and had a good time.  Unfortunately, my eating suffered somewhat.

This morning I am struggling with my body.  No weigh-in, which I never do after any special occassion.  I am dressed, waiting to leave for church, and I feel so fat.  Every time I dress for church (meaning: not workout clothes), I am reminded of how much weight I seem to be holding on to. 

The capris felt tight in the thigh.  I think I even saw some bra fat in back -- which NEVER happens to me because I am not a bosomy person.  My arms flex a mean bicep but even they seem large and fleshy.

I asked my daughter, carefully, if the outfit looked ok or if I needed to change something.  She told me to make sure my top is pulled down so that it is straight.  I wanted to be very careful not to put her in the position of judging me:  "Do I look fat in this?"  So I made sure I focused on the outfit.

Pretty sad for this 39 yr old to have to ask a 9 yr old for a realty check.  But I know she'd be honest if it didn't look right.

Maybe I should change into a skirt instead....

The sad thing is that these are clothes that fit properly (I think) last year.  I don't like clothing that fits really tight.  I just feel so large. :-(

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

SarahRN on 08/09/2009:
OMG I feel the exact same way. Recently I started crying in church and people thought I was moved by the spirit or something but I was just thinking how fat I felt that day and how self conscious I was and how out of control I felt. You probably just feel more bloated from extra salt intake than anything else and after a day or two you'll feel back to your svelt sexy self! Today I feel the same way because we had a family reunion last night and I blew the diet out of the water and then had to go to church this am. My fingers are swollen so I didn't wear my rings you know? Even my feet feel fat. SO this morning I decided to have a couple days of raw foods and water to get all that toxic salt and sugar OUT! BTW You are thinner than my goal weight right now and look how far you have come and all you'v accomplished! 40 pounds WOW! GOOD JOB

catepillar on 08/10/2009:
Most of my clothes are too tight. Simply because I refuse to buy larger sizes. LOL I would bet your clothes don't look how you think they look, and asking your little girl how you look, they are going to give little girl answers or answers that make you happy. I had to stop asking my daughter because I snapped at her when she said I looked 'fine' when I know I didn't. It just wasn't right to put her in that situation. (Not saying that is what you did, but it is what I did)I would bet that your previous weight made you very self conscious and your anxiety over the social situation was such that it brought up your other anxieties and this one was a day delayed. Probably mostly because when we go to church, we want to look our very best and take an extra close look at ourselves. I'm sure you look fine and bra fat doesn't have to always come from being heavy up top, it can come from an improper fitted bra or type of bra. My sister is slim up top and she has bra fat, I am full up top and don't have bra fat :)

grumpy on 08/10/2009:
Well here's a reality check from a 32 year old: you are not so large, and it's not possible you are at 140, unless you are 4 feet tall. Focus on the party and the good times you had and on the fact you and your cute 9 year old were trying on clothes together instead. love ya!

Donkey - Friday Aug 07, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

No weigh-in today.

No gym today either -- at least not in my normal routine, so today could be tricky:

1.  No gym

2.  Husband works late

3.  Anxious about neighborhood block party on Saturday

4.  Discouraged about life in general (finances, unemployment, etc.)

You see, on Saturday my little cul-de-sac neighborhood is having their annual summer block party.  Well, I had some legal problems that started last year, made the whole round of local media, blah blah blah.  The incident involved an automobile accident (not DUI!!!!), and although it was an accident, I was still responsible for the consequences of what happened.

Since this accident, 2 of my neighbors, believing everything that was dramatized in the media - that my actions were intentional - have been just awful towards me.  The other 4 neighbors still acknowledge me and give me a wave or a smile.  (I don't talk to anyone any more.)  But these 2 ladies are very scornful towards me.

So I am sure that you can see why a neighborhood block party would be uncomfortable for me. 

My husband found out from our next door neighbor that at least 1 of these people will not be here for the party, which I thought meant both ladies, but I guess maybe it's just the one.  I won't go if the other lady is present.  It was bad enough having to go to court to face critical people; I'll be damned if I'm going put myself in a position of being scrutinized or criticized. again, willingly.

And so this impending party has brought back the flood of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear -- you name it -- that I have tried very hard to put behind me the past week.

As I said, if I can stop dwelling on the sorrows of the past, I do quite well.  But when they come creeping back .....   It's like when an evening fog comes creeping in.  You don't even notice it at first.  And before you know it, it's so dense you can't even see the road ahead of you.

It's going to be a long, hot weekend... :-(

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

glycrina on 08/07/2009:
Donkey, I had a similar problem last year. My old dog bit someone in the neighborhood and we had to go to court. It was very traumatic. I felt like a lot of the people in the nieghborhood found out and were very judgemental. I talked to some people who were important to me and explained the situation and everyone else, well, to be honest they were so consumed with own silly little dramas they soon were talking about someone or something else. It sounds like you have paid your consequences for whatever mistakes you made and that is all anyone can ask of you, right? I hope you find forgiveness for yourself and forgive those other silly people for being so icky. :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/07/2009:
hmmm, no wonder you said you wanted to move...sorry you've got sh-t with your neighbors. if it makes you feel any better, my parents have sh-t with their neighbors, too. not me so much, bc i smile/wave. but still this one woman gives me a big fat attitude. oh well! stinks for them. you know the accident was unintentional, too bad they cant accept it.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/07/2009:
as for big breakfast, that really doesn't work that well for me. i get hungry soon after, no matter what. when i was on vacation, what worked was a little fat in my breakfast. like some kind of egg omelette cooked with butter or oil and a little bread, tomato slice, and coffee. but i am too lazy to wake up any earlier and i'[d rather have my unhealthy ices, at the moment.

halley on 08/07/2009:
Hold your head high and know that you are an interesting, important person. Much to important to worry about your neighbors silliness. Since you have dealt with the issue - just move on!

Donkey - Thursday Aug 06, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 140.0

"Look Ma -- no weigh-in!"

I decided that I would resist weighing in now until my next weigh-in on Tuesday.

My workout today was stink-o for two reasons:

1. My portable XM radio lost my playlists.  I guess it's because I haven't listened to live music in quite some time.  I like what I have saved, and ever since Michael Jackson died, I haven't had the heart to try to listen to new stuff.  And I'm not a big MJ fan either.  I liked his Jackson 5 stuff and the old school stuff.  So I"m not sure what the problem is.

But for today, my problem was that I was stuck with the 2 options of listening to the 2 artists' whose work my husband downloaded for my daughter:  Britney Spears and Lady Gaga.  It made for a loooonnnngg workout.

2.  I started thinking about "to-do" things that didn't get done, and how I needed to do them, or why weren't they done, blah blah blah.  It totally took me out of the moment, which I don't like.  I mean, gym time is Donkey Time.  And I don't like it when I get stressed out about things that I need to get done (or should have been done) in the Real World.

So my workout kind of stank.  I am sorely tempted to either go back to the gym this afternoon and get in a GOOD workout or do something outside.  Maybe my kids would go on a bike ride with me....

Progress as of today: 40 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/06/2009:
I actually tried to make a DD workout playlist and share with you girls. I will try it again. I think there's a site where I can do it and you can download the whole playlist and but in your player! :)

halley on 08/06/2009:
Those are bad music options - I don't doubt that you had a hard time getting in a good workout!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/06/2009:
you should totally go bike riding with your daughter!!!

catepillar on 08/06/2009:
ARGH that music drives me nuts LOL Hopefully you are relaxed this evening! Thank you for all the advice:)

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