I was rewarded for my no-binge weekend with a 2lb gain on the scale. Yes, up yet another pound! That must be one big bathroom moment churning inside me, Grumpy!
Anyway, the reason why I am posting today, right now, is because I am feeling a STRONG urge to take a spoon and go get a half-gallon ice cream container out of the freezer in the garage.
So I thought if I wrote about it instead, I'd feel stronger. And I do. So now I will sign-off, put dishes away, and start dinner. If I am hungry or "munchie" I have carrot sticks I can chew on.
And hopefully my weight will reconcile itself one way or the other by tomorrow. THIS SUCKS.
Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!
Afternoon Edit: First of all, let me thank all who have commented for your super supportive replies. I cannot tell you how much your positive input has uplifted me and kept me steady today.
My mother just left, and it was a good visit. So why do I feel like eating all the peanut butter and ice cream in the house? I do not know why. So I had my frozen banana treat that I prepared ahead of time for tonight, but if I need/want it now, have it now. It will fend off any binge that can come from too much self-denial.
And I am writing to you all about my feelings, so I have some self-validation of my feelings. (Writing things out helps me feel validated and organized.)
And then I am going to make myself a cup of tea and go upstairs - away from the kitchen and computer - and rest and watch reruns of I Love Lucy. :-) Uplifting, light and funny.
***********************************
I was about to write and complain about my weight when I realized, "Hey, it's OK!" :-)
You see, on Saturday, I weighed 120.0. Nice number! I like that number!
But I fought tooth and nail like the devil was after me (and maybe he was!) the urge to sugar binge. OMG. I've noticed that I usually go 3-4 days and then I have a sugar binge episode. And last night was the end of Day 4.
Today is Day 5 of no-bingeing. So again, I will fight with all my strength not to go down that path today/tonight. And I will have to, as my mother is stopping by for an hour or 2 to visit, on her way home from visiting my grandparents. So it will be HARD to resist. I will have to show my donkey strength today, that's for sure!
But I like to think that the longer I can go between bingeing episodes, the better I will be. Heck, if this would be IT and I could stay "sober" that would be WONDERFUL! That is my ultimate goal.
But back to my supposive "rant": I really really really tried so hard last night NOT to binge, and I was successful at it. And how was I rewarded? With a one pound GAIN on the scale today!!! >:-[
But now looking at Friday's entry, I see that I am actually still down 0.5lb. So what the h*** am I complainin' about? :-)
I'm doing good. Hang in there Donkey!
(And yes, logically, I do realize how stupid it is to be freaking out over one **** pound! Trying NOT to get sucked into the numbers game, but right now, I can fight only one battle, and bingeing is the bigger battle of the 2. So please be kind and patient with Donkey for her temporary insanity.)
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
I agree, you're doing good--keep up the good work!
New month... My weight has pretty much stabilized around 121, give or take. Here we go into another weekend, so I thought I'd check in. You may or may not recall but weekends are very difficult for me. And Husband is working 12 hour shifts today (Friday - "date night") and Saturday.
I was going to say more, but I'm having problems being coherent. Need more coffee, I'm afraid!!! Donkey runs on auto-pilot in the mornings, I'm afraid! :-)
Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
Wishing you a great day!
Thanks for the comment on my diary. I am such an emotional person that I HAD to get myself back on track using simple science and mathmatics. It is the only way I can really keep focus. One day, I will be at my goal weight and then join you in the struggle to maintain.
What are you up to this weekend to make yourself feel good? I'm going to probably clean out my refrigerator..yeah I'm weird, stuff like that makes me feel good LOL
Well, it looks like I'm ending the month the same way I started the month, but I am hoping that I have the sugar bingeing under control.
Ironically enough, when I focus my anxieties on food, I don't worry so much about what's happening to me in Real Life.
I'm just forever grateful that I survived the weekend without eating my weight in sugar. I hate that. I'm hoping this means I have a good pattern (habit) started here...
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
Thank you ever so much.
Bleste
Yesterday, my therapist asked me if I had gained weight.
I had just come down from 126 to 123, after my latest binge.
I didn't think 3.5lb would show, but apparently I was wrong.
So now this is all I can think about, is that I must look fat, because why else would he say anything about it?
But I will ask for clarification at my next appointment, next Friday.
I feel sick. And sad. And tired.
Progress as of today: 21 lbs lost so far, only -7 lbs to go!
I hope you don't feel sad for too long..but seriously I know how you feel about someone saying something and then picking it apart until you feel broken..because it just HAD to mean something bad..for some reason I always feel like someone is saying the negative stuff..but mostly it is because I want to believe the worst about myself ...that is such a hard thing to break. UGH!
Don't beat yourself up. It is self-sabatoge.
It's the overall picture you should focus on. If you respect this man as a therapist, it should be all good or at least mostly good:-) Hope the therapy is moving you forward!
Believe it or not, my weight was as high as 125.5 this week. The anxiety I'm experiencing has been just overwhelming. I continually feel on edge and like I cannot get enough air into my lungs.
It has been difficult to read many of diaries here that have lists of foods, since, in response to my anxiety, I have felt a strong urge to binge. And I have been FIGHTING that urge with every ounce of my strength.
I'm not sure what the solution is...
Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
donk, i hope you feel better soon. i am so sorry that you feel this way. i know what you mean about the food lists because sometimes reading diaries has done the same thing to me! i totally know what you mean.
maybe go walking in the evening a couple times a week with another mom in the area?
talk to us.
I fought a good fight tonight (Saturday). Actually, I started fighting binge urges (?) around 2p. Right after dinner was the hardest. I had an extra dish of frozen watermelon and then went upstairs, away from the kitchen.
This urge is anxiety-related, but with no specific trigger.
So I think... regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, that it is more important NOT to be bingeing than to see a particular number on the scale.
I am planning on staying around this number for a long time anyways....
Progress as of today: 25 lbs lost so far, only -11 lbs to go!
OK, so we're due for another weekend....
I'm sorry I cannot go into detail about what is troubling me IRL. Maybe some day I can, but right now, I cannot. What I can say is that it has me very troubled and upset. It challenges everything I thought I was, as a person and a mother, and who other people were and are capable of doing to another person. It's hard to believe that there are "good people" out there who would stoop so low to bring someone down to nothing, just to save their own a***s.
Monday and Tuesday were particularly hard. On Monday, I believe I ate a whole half-gallon of ice cream. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Or maybe it was the peanut butter and Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread). I don't know -- I can't remember. Ha, it's bad when all of your binges start to blend in together, eh? (weak laugh & wry smile)
Anyway, so my weight was up to 124.5 on Tuesday, but it's on its way back down again. After the last binge, I made a conscious effort to change how I see some of my trigger foods. Several years back, I made the decision or realization that I could no longer have any potato chips (crisps, for my friends in the UK) in the house. If I did, I would eat them all. Sometimes I go through this with peanut butter (where I have to get it out of the house completely), and lately it's been with ice cream.
So I put all of the ice cream out in the garage freezer. (Thank GOD for that freezer.) Anyone who wants ice cream has to go out there and get it himself and serve him or herself. I don't go near it, I don't serve it, I don't smell/touch/handle/taste it. I don't dare.
And I'm hoping that I can get to the point with ice cream as I am with potato chips.
Yesterday was Thursday and I was very depressed. But I think I'm coming out of that now. Part of that depression may have been due to coming off of a sugar-high from Monday/Tuesday. It also could have been due to hormones, as PMS is about to kick in, in a few days. Or it could have been my IRL circumstances. Hard to tell... I was glad that I could tell my therapist.
It's ironic, because I'm seeing this therapist for PTSD and related anxiety, yet my "old ghosts" of eating issues and depression seem to keep popping up. I don't want to spend my time/$ working on these "old ghosts"; I want to deal with the issue at hand. Unfortunately, things aren't always so perfect......
My Husband has to work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday. Another lonely weekend....
Progress as of today: 23 lbs lost so far, only -9 lbs to go!
hormones probably play a MUCH larger role than we think. i went to attempt to donate blood yesterday and i had low iron. and they measure twice...once on each hand. low iron may have affected my binge today...gonna look that up.
i believe that if anything this website helps us stay on track. i am proud of you for continuing to stay positive on the eating end of this. btw, eating issues will probably always be with us...as they sometimes remain a way of coping with more difficult issues. it is up to us to find better ways...
I do admire your dedication to yourself and your health. Both physical and mental. Your husband has a job that requires sooooooooooo much time away from home...so does Brian. Sometimes I just want to call his boss and scream at him..can't you guys survive without him working fifteen hours a day? But it wouldn't do any good anyway. There is something harder about being alone with someone, than being alone by ourselves. And once in a while I find it feels really good to throw a huge fit!
The biggest problem I am having right now is not trying to control everyone else, and I am finding that I am not as good at controlling myself as I thought. Without caring for everyone else, I have to really be alone with myself..and sometimes that is really uncomfortable. And then I turn to food. It sucks! But I am trying to break that attitude addiction. Like you, there are things that I simply cannot have in the house..chocolate is my big thing. If I buy chocolate, I will eat all of it. I sure won't throw it away!
Take care of yourself.
Just checking in. I guess it's like a Reality Check. I feel so numb that I'm not sure if I'm feeling good or bad, strong or weak.
Last night, I just got to the point where I was like, "**** this" and just gave it up. Things will resolve themselves however they will. Some things are just beyond my control...
Progress as of today: 24 lbs lost so far, only -10 lbs to go!
but, what are you saying is beyond your control?? Talk to us.
I really really wish you the best. I think you are a wonderful person who has always been so giving to everyone else here. Even if that one person said you were being nasty...I NEVER saw you be nasty to anyone. But you may also be codependant...something to check out. I honestly think it is something women are suffering with more than anyone because we are told we have to be the nurturers....well so freaking what...you deserve to love yourself and if you could 'see' yourself through my eyes you would think you are pretty cool like I do. Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger for a really long time like before. You were missed!
Donkey is not doing well right now. I think like WI3, I am just going to step back a bit and focus on well-being. Of course, having said that, I'll probably post all weekend long, lol. That'd be ok too...
Progress as of today: 22.5 lbs lost so far, only -8.5 lbs to go!
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i love this entry. i have found that a yogurt for the past two days is nice after dinner. a greek plain yogurt with sugarfree jelly and a little cinnamon. it's the "sweet" we sometimes want after dinner!
WI3 on 10/06/2008:
I Love Lucy, ROCKS! glad you had a good visit with your mom =) that is great news!
Yes, I am excited that my treadmill is almost back in working order..thanks to YOU for the suggestion to visit the Treadmill Doctor! YAY! Go Donkey! lol
Have a lovely evening!
greengirl on 10/08/2008:
Keep out of the ice cream !!!!! Don't despair about the weight gain. It will just be some natural bodily thing going on. And honestly, I dont want to know about your forthcoming bathroom moment Lol !!! Fight the good fight, Donkey :)