Up and down, up and down, up and down.....
I am tired. I am sore. My back hurts. I have cramps. I feel anxious. I feel sad. I feel worn down.
Progress as of today: 35 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
I am not sure of what I weigh, as I have not weighed in the past 2 days. Which is probably just as well.
My back has been feeling somewhat better. The jabs of pain are not quite as frequent. Yet, I am reminded quite often of how I still need to be careful. I almost tried running this morning, but decided not to tempt fate.
Perhaps it is not meant to be.
I have been walking every day except Garbage Day Pick-Up Day (for the obvious reason). And then I go to the gym later and do the bike and/or the elliptical. I don't know how long I will be able to sustain the walking, with the colder weather approaching the Chicago area.
I try to keep busy during my days as well. I have yardwork to do that keeps getting put off, for one reason or another. I am knitting a lot these days too. I am not knitting anything specific, but rather, trying different patterns of stitches to make sample swatches. I am thinking that perhaps I could piece these swatches together and make a tote bag for my knitting supplies :-)
I have not tried to apply at any further places of employment right now. This pains me greatly, but for right now, this is not a battle I can engage in.
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
So my doctor put me on 10 mg celexa. It usually works fully at maximum better after 4 weeks but i think i am already feeling a difference since Thursday morning. I hope it's not the placebo effect, and that it's the pill that i'm paying for. it's not perfect though, and i think I will need a slightly higher dose, 20 mg in the end. I get far less anxious and i start to block the anxiety now, before it continues. Like i start to feel it, and then it subsides. I will admit i took 20mg this saturday morning, as weekends are tougher and i have a special dinner to attend tonight. (i promise not to become a drug addict, lol). i should probably have not done that, but it's only 20mg, and that is the "lowest therapeutic dose." I'll probably contact the doctor after a month and have him raise the prescription to 20mg. I wish i didn't have to wait so long to do that...
No weigh-in today. After yesterday's salty dinner and chocolate cake, why tempt fate like that? Looking forward to another day of balance.
AFTERNOON EDIT:
Went for a long bike ride this afternoon by myself. I don't like the long shadows of autumn.
I have done well with my eating, in spite of negative feelings approaching. Instead of having a whole piece of chocolate cake after lunch, I just finished my daughter's piece instead.
I hope to go for a short walk after dinner. And then I would like to knit until bedtime.
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
Just checking in for the evening. What a day...
I was a Wedding Hostess at my church today. This is a volunteer activity that gives me immense joy. I love to help make people's wedding days as happy and stress free and beautiful as possible.
However, I was told beforehand that this would be an Irish wedding. (?) So I was anticipating a large wedding, steeped in tradition. There was absolutely NOTHING Irish about the wedding. 15 people at the most (bridal party AND guests, total). And apparently, they were already married (civilly?), so this wasn't even really a REAL wedding. There was no license to sign because they had already done so somewhere else.
A woman who testified at my hearing was passing through the church (to a different activity, I guess, down in the basement). She seemed surprised to see me there and stared at me as she walked by. I just stared right back at her, keeping a pleasant smile on my face in front of the bridal party. I mean, like what? You think I don't go to church? Or that because I was charged and pled no contest that I'm automatically guilty and thus a bad person? Or are you surprised that you and I go to the SAME church? And that I'm actually a LOT MORE like you than you care to admit? What?
(I was not surprised because I knew that we go to the same church. I've seen her at Mass several times, but apparently, she has been unaware of my presence. I long for the day when I can shake her hand and bid her peace. ("Peace be with you")).
Anyway, I had decided ahead of time that I would "celebrate" this wedding with a fancy cake from the bakery. I bought a delicious chocolate cake. I had a piece for dinner and then I went for a walk, even though it was starting to get dark.
I had not exercised today, my back had been spasming at the wedding, and I had the chocolate cake. I decided that it would be good to try to get in a walk. I am so glad that I did.
I may be handicapped by my back or by my criminal conviction, but I am free and able to walk. So I will.
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
Ohhhh I messed up my back today something baaaaad....
I decided to try to get back into running again, to help me feel ... better? more confident? significant?
I had fully intended on doing a short session of run/walk intervals. I did a little stretching beforehand, and as I was doing one of the stretches, I thought, "Gee, I hope this one doesn't hurt my back."
Headed out the front door with a light jog and the pain started up right away. Not a 9 or a 10 but enough to compromise my form. I thought, "I hope I don't look funny in front of the neighbors" because I FELT funny, like I was not straight up and down.
Long story short, I ended up doing less and less running until I realized that I can no longer run with my disc as it is. So I just kept walking, which was OK in its own way, but different. It's just not the same.
Truth be told, I'm frustrated, angry, sad... mostly sad that this is no longer an option for me. I'm getting it checked by the doctor, but even if this is something I can "fix" (I've had back problems for nearly 20 years), I don't know if I will want to jeopardize it with running. Even the elliptical is getting to be somewhat painful as well.
I can see that I am going to have to change my approach to exercise and weight loss.
Progress as of today: 35.5 lbs lost so far, only 14.5 lbs to go!
i hope you feel better soon emotionally. i miss your more positive attitude. perhaps once the kids are in school for a little bit you will begin to feel better. awww, let this weekend bring you some peace and comfort. :)
Walking for up to three hours two or 3 times/day was invaluable in the long run. If nothing else it became a perfect distraction. I put on headphones and went--and did not question anything while I was out there--a great escape! I didn't know what effect it would have over the months, but it did the trick. (The prescription NSAIDs helped as well.)
Hope you're having a good afternoon!
Overwhelmed with unidentifiable sadness today. Started last night.
I did fairly well with eating until around 10:30p. I should have gone to bed. On a normal day, I WOULD have been in bed. But my husband has been going to bed super-duper early to go into work early (3am). So I don't go to bed until I am exhausted, because I toss and turn a lot trying to fall asleep.
So I was doing really well until around 10:30p. Then I finished off the watermelon, 4 cups of it, easily. Might have been less, but I doubt it.
I'm not sure what to do. I just have to keep trying to get through each day as it comes.
Progress as of today: 34.5 lbs lost so far, only 15.5 lbs to go!
cheers
Weight is still up. I know I should not weigh in every day.
I did fine yesterday until after I came home from Curriculum Night at my daughter's school. I have such problems with anything related to the schools. Even though it was fairly positive and I felt positive after it was over.... I still succumbed to frosted mini-wheats cereal and quite a few pretzels (and more, but I won't go into it) as I was trying to "come down" before going to bed.
Anyway, today is a new day.
AFTERNOON EDIT:
I wonder if I am on to something... I have been having back problems, right? So I have started wearing a truss or girdle or back wrap brace thingy -- kind of like what weight lifters wear, but specifically for back problems -- whatever you want to call it for several hours a day and it has really helped.
I noticed that when I wear this thing, I eat MUCH LESS. I cannot even FATHOM bingeing while wearing my back brace. I had a rather light lunch, and even that "sat heavy" in my tummy for most of the afternoon.
I think I will start to wear my brace around 4p, to take me through dinner and afterwards, until I am ready to get ready for bed. Or, if I'm having a really GOOD DAY, earlier.
So I wonder, if I was wearing a figure foundation undergarment, like, Spanx or that Dr. Rey body shaper, if that would act as a deterrant to bingeing as well. And, unlike my back wrap brace thingy, Spanx would help me to look more refined in clothing.
I dunno... something to consider, I think. Or have I been so out of it lately that I've gone totally off the deep end? Has Donkey finally lost it?
Progress as of today: 32 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!
Have a good evening!
but, i also hope you are not ashamed of how you look now. and if the back brace helps, by all means wear it!
Despite having what I thought was a good eating day, my weight is up still some more. I have tried to do better today.
I turned in the job application that I had mentioned in previous diary entries, just to say that I did it. The more I do it, the less scary it will be. I do not expect to get an interview. I'm ok with that, actually.
I did not sleep well at all last night. My back has been twinging for several weeks. Last night I got out the heating pad - even though my problem is disc/nerve and not muscle. Today, I am wearing a truss or a girdle -- not a woman's girdle but a wrap to help immobilize my lower back. I hope that this will help or I will have to get this looked at.
I went to the gym this morning and did cardio only. I thought it best not to do weight training on the machines with my back spasing here and there. I did only 45 minutes on the elliptical (instead of my usual hour) and then I spend some time on the recumbant bike, at a lower resistance than usual.
I would like to get into the habit of waking up early and going for a walk. I would also like to start taking an hour to read, an hour to knit, and an hour to work outside on the yard or whatever.
Progress as of today: 32 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!
it is good to plan though, it should help to curb your eating. maybe spend an hour at the library...out of your house, away from food. that has helped me MAJORLY in the past!
Thank you, friends, for "listening" to my problems. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support. Even if there are no answers or solutions, it has helped me tremendously to pour out my feelings and frustrations here in this forum.
Not much planned for today's (American) holiday. My husband is home and plans to relax because he has a hard week at work ahead. I may go shopping to get dry goods for the kids' lunches.
I have decided to turn in the job application at the craft store regardless. As I said in my previous entry, if they choose not to interview me, then this just means that the job - and more likely, the job environment - is not suitable for me. I think what the real solution is, is to return back to school and get some professional training. And I do plan to do this, but right now, my financial situation is far too precarious to do so.
I ate very poorly last night. All of my neighbors were outside celebrating and of course, I felt that I could not go. So I ate instead.
Progress as of today: 32.5 lbs lost so far, only 17.5 lbs to go!
Have a good one!
My stomach is revolting against all the crap that I've eaten lately. Last night I was sick. Today, I had a little breakfast, and I feel questionable. Every now and then, I need something like this to happen so that I realize that I need to eat better for myself.
It has been quite trying lately. I have thought about applying for holiday work at a local craft store. However, they scrutinize background checks. I have not submitted the application yet, but even if I do, I do not think I will get an interview. It was good to fill out the application though, just to do it.
See, I normally do not list short employment. However, since they do background checks, they would find out about my last employment, since I had my accident/arrest/conviction on the job that is related to my employment. And because of that, I feel compelled to list my brief employment BEFORE my last employment, since that was at a police department. Normally, I would not list either of these unsuccessful employment endeavors, as they did not last more than a couple of months.
Actually, the thing that this tells me is that this is not the job for me. But I feel like I have to do something to bring in some money or we will have a very poor Christmas. Maybe I should inquire at a temporary agency and see if they have openings/requests for clerical workers, since I can type. Still, I would expect them to do a background check as well.
On the weight loss front:
I hosted a wedding yesterday at my church, and I cannot possibly gain any more weight. My dress was so tight it did not fit properly any more. When I came home, I changed into some shorts, and they ripped at the pocket as I tried to pull them up over my fat donkey.
Then last night, after eating ice cream, I started having my tummy problems. I got my stomach to settle down enough to sleep, and this morning, I did not eat until I felt hungry, which was about 10a. However, after having toast (w/peanut butter) and coffee, my stomach has felt cantankerous again.
I have decided to take 4 days off from exercising, and just rest and regroup. Not that I will be all gung-ho to get back into it, but.... At least it's a change.
Progress as of today: 33.5 lbs lost so far, only 16.5 lbs to go!
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All us girls could out to a field and mimic the scene from Office Space where they take a baseball bat and kick the crap outta a fax mashine. But replace the printer with a pile of our scales. I can hear the gangsta music now... if you haven't watched it... you should and when it comes to that scene just VISUALIZE BABY.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CFvEi4fdXA&feature=related
Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/19/2009:
i agree with kitty! no more scales for you! take a break bc you know what you need to eat/not eat to lose weight, maintain, gain. let your clothing tell you how you're doing. forget the scales bc they just set you up for anxiety.
biscottibody59 on 09/19/2009:
I never answered your comment on "Biggest Loser"--if you and your daughter get "quality time" out of watching it together and it prompts discussion, it's a good thing. Home exercise for me has to include TV or music at the least. I myself don't have a symphony playing in my head at all times--haha:-)
Keep on pushing or nursing your back if you have to. If you're like me, you've tried pelvic tilts--for me they actually work when I'm having spasms/pain--I just loathe them as an exercise.
Also, when you get to a point of no pain, you've been cleared by the doctor that nothing serious is happening with it, start doing some deadlifts--I swear by them to keep those muscles strong and prevent possible relapsing.
Keep your chin up!