Last night, I think I had a full blown panic attack. I was with dh at the kids' belt testing for TKD. Because there's a parade today, ALL the belts tested last night, instead of having the higher belts test on Saturday morning, so there were twice the number of people testing. It was hot (even though the AC was on & they had fans running), it was crowded, it was long, it was boring. (Oh Lord was it BORING.)
It started innocently enough. I started to feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I wasn't hyperventilating. Just every 2 minutes or so, I had to take a very deep breath because I felt smothered. Then this "wave" - that is the only way I can describe what it felt like - of panic and sadness and grief just came over me. I couldn't stop crying. Fortunately, I am a quiet crier, so I just put my head in my husband's shoulder and sobbed quietly. We left the building, and I sat out in the car to listen to some music (which helps take my mind off of thoughts), and then I sat outside the building, by the large glass windows so that I could see the kids finishing up their belt testing. I drove the family home. I felt much better.
I realized in the car, though, that I cannot be falling apart like this. I am stronger than this. Why am I letting people beat me down (figuratively speaking)? I can overcome this adversity. But I can't do it if I'm falling apart! I can't think clearly if I'm overcome with anxiety.
I NEED TO REMAIN STRONG AND CALM. STRONG AND CALM. (hey, new mantra!)
On Thursday, my husband made an appointment for me to talk to someone. I know I can work this out; I've had anxiety problems before that I resolved -- quite readily, in fact. 3 months of talk therapy and some cognitive rethinking and I was back on my feet. I think that what I need is a "refresher course" and just am objective voice to help keep me grounded.
Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of reasons to be anxious. I'm kind of a worrier anyway (mothers worry about everything), plus with all this c**p that's happening lately, my reaction should not be surprising. But I can't allow that to overtake what is good within me. Could this be a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing? Hmm... The Good (what I know in my heart) must remain strong and intact or the Evil (fear, anxiety) will overtake me. But enough of this literary references. This is real life, not some book with a happy ending.
My weight is up 2.5lb today. Great. I have no idea why; I did everything right yesterday. I'm just going to chalk it up to fluctuation and not panic. It's rather humid here in the midwest, so maybe it's water retention. Did I have salty foods last night? Hmm... maybe I did, I can't remember...
The thing is not to panic. ;-)
Progress as of today: 26 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!
The anxiety is just overwhelming. I can't even begin to describe it, except to say that it sucks when you continually feel like you are having your breath knocked out of you. And that you are constantly "on edge", ready to fly off. There isn't a single day that doesn't go by where I think about parking my car on the railroad tracks and waiting for the train to come by.
(((Of course, I would NEVER EVER act on this, for my children's sake. I know what it's like to grow up with an absent parent, and I would not wish that pain on ANYONE much less my own children, whom I love desperately.)))
Diet and exercise: Diet is mostly fruits & vegetables, some protein, very few breads (and those that I have are high fiber). Exercise is the only thing that dulls the pain and makes me feel alive -- whole. I know I'm ok when I'm in motion. Running 3x a week and the elliptical 5x a week. It's my little safe corner in the world.
Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!
Xo.
Please don't take the burden of risking your health for the benefit of numbing yourself to life...... Either way as it is now, you are slowly taking yourself away from your kids by continuing to ignore there is a problem that needs to be addressed.....Best seek professional help of some sort before you aren't around due to withering away....
Best of luck Donkey!
i speak for everyone when i say we only want the best for you.
While I cannot speak to what you, personally, are going through or what you need in order to help yourself..I just wanted to say how cool it is that you are sharing this with us, and that you are not alone at all.
Hang in there, Donkey. You are good people!
With all these people changing their names here on DD, I have no idea who anyone is any more...
Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!
Time to cut the crap and face the music.
Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!
Take care & be healthy donkey!
What is your plan of attack? I cant wait to find out. :o)
I have not continued to do well. That is, the past 2 days were not very good at all. I dread going back to work. But I will be fine once I get there. Over Spring Break, I have had the opportunity to talk about my job to several people who did not know what I was doing. It really helped to get it off my chest, some of my anxieties and doubts, as well as some of the positive things that I like about the job.
Job job job -- it's just a JOB! It's not like it's my LIFE! So enough about the job already :-)
I realize that this current round of weight struggles started once I decided to come off of maintenance range (128lb - 132lbs) and try to lose more weight. I think that, yes, perhaps my body and mind is more content at a higher weight (yuck), say 130-135. This angers me, but it's something that I should probably learn to accept.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
Focus on yourself, your health and work is work. It sucks by definition. :) xo.
Hope you find some time to update one of these days! Something!
Hang in there Donkey friend! (See ya' later?)
Thanks for the Mommy and Me suggestion. I will look into it, since Im looking for additional mommy friends as well as an effective way to become healthier. My only concern is cost of these classes - our finances are a little tight due to living on a single income.
I hope you are doing well!
haha, i am still doing pushups thanks to you. and yes, i've eaten hords of fiber one bars in the past too! I am very good at finishing boxes of granola bars.
I have not posted in a while. My weight was WAY out of control during the week of Easter, climaxing at 138.5 on Monday. I think between the stress at work and the stress at home, I just wanted to eat until I felt nothing at all.
I am happy to say that I feel that I am getting back on track. Already the numbers are heading back down to maintenance range (128-132). I am at 135 right now. I can feel the extra bloating on my body, but I actually feel better mentally and physically weighing a little more.
Is that possible? Is it possible to feel heavier and yet feel good about it? Or am I just in so deep of a state of denial that all hope is lost? (well, not "lost" but "out to sea")
This week, I am off of work, Husband is on vacation and the kids are off of school. We are spending the time just relaxing at home, doing fun stuff and other necessities around town. I told my Daughter (7) that even though we did not do anything fancy or go anywhere for the vacation, that this is so nice just to be together as a family without the daily stress of work and work. And work.
Did I mention that I've come to the realization that my new job is really stressing me out? I definitely need to work on relaxing about that. I'm at the point now where if I don't pass probation (90 working days), that would be ok with me. I will apologize for not being up to their standards and thank them so much for the learning experience and the opportunity to try, even though I was unsuccessful. I will also thank them for the opportunity to meet so many nice people and be a part of the "family" for the time that I was employed. I will smile and hold my head high as I walk out of that office.
Of course I will miss the nice paycheck and the people that I've befriended. But hey, life goes on, and I'm a survivor. I'll be ok.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
Have a wonderful time with your family...
Enjoy your week off with the family!
Isn't it a shame that the weight doesn't come off as easily as we can put it on? Still, I am definitely feeling more motivated to stay on track. My sinus infection is improving as well. Still there, but every day is a little better.
Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
Have a great weekend!
I still can see another half a pound gone there! You're doing great. If I was your weight now, I would be 18 pounds UNDER my goal. Hahaha. Enjoy, I am sure you look and feel fantastic!
I tell you Donkey, it was scary how quickly and how much weight I put back on in just a few weeks of weakness. Thank goodness I finally pulled up and started back on the straight and narrow. It will take me until the summer just to get back to where I was last summer. You stay strong before you do the same thing (you always were the strong one amongst us!!!). Take care :)
Survived another week! And the bingeing weight seems to be coming off slowly.
On Thursday I did not go to the gym after all. I did some extra driving to check out a route I would be driving later on in the afternoon (good thing too, because there was a tricky turn/curve that I spotted ahead of time). Then I came home to find that my kids forgot their snack (dd) and lunch (ds), so I drove over to the schools to deliver said food.
So it wasn't in the cards yesterday. Today I did go workout, and took it nice and easy for 65 minutes on the elliptical. However, I regretted my decision afterwards. I realized I should have come home and rested. I still have this awful sinus infection. Get this -- I cleared up at the gym and at work but the minute I come home, I start to clog up again. I wonder if the dander from the cats is causing my sinuses to go into overdrive. Hmm...
But I digress. I'm glad that my weight is back into maintenance range (127-133 is my official range). The weather seems to be improving here and there too which is wonderful for the morale.
My goal for the next week is to try to have "fun" at the job, not to get so stressed out or take things too personally over there. If they are going to fire me, that's their problem not mine. In the meantime, I will try to do the best that I can do. Otherwise, stress eating will be my demise.
Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 2.5 lbs to go!
Do'nt let the stress mess with your eating healthy and staying in your "range"... Sunshine does the soul/mind wonders does'nt it?....
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
Thankfully the weight is coming back down.
Thank you all so much for your supportive comments. You are right, no job is worth sacrificing my health for. That really helps put things into perspective for me.
It was very hard not to binge last night but I have to make the decision if I want the food more than I want to lose the weight. Last night, the "lose the weight" won.
I am very tired. I only get 7 hours of sleep, and I am still falling asleep around 8p or so. I am debating whether to go workout during my break or come home and sleep for 2 hours.
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
I have been struggling with eating very badly lately. I cannot seem to get back on track. Now I am starting to get sick, on top of being too stressed and too tired. I am re-evaluating my priorities.
I got a job so that I would be out of the house and away from food. Yet the stress from the job is defeating that very purpose. So something needs to change and for the better!
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
An exerpt from a Greg Landry Writing: �Have you noticed that just about every week is a "rough week????" By that I mean that things just don't happen exactly as you'd like them to. A variety of circumstances affect your schedule and your available time."
"With that in mind, if you're going to exercise on a regular basis, exercise has to be high enough on your priority list to survive the "rough weeks." For example, during "rough weeks" do you eat, sleep, and brush your teeth every day? Of course you do, because they are priorities in your life. If exercise is important enough to you then put it high on your priority list. Make your exercise "rough week" proof."
I do'nt give this to you as a "preaching at you".... It is just that there are ALWAYS going to be things in our life that are going to "mess" things up, but we have to prioritize the important things to us (should be our health) and get through our "growing pains"... You have every right to be discouraged/mad/P.O'd/Etc.... but turn that energy to be a positive one... :}
I sure hope you can get through this rough patch and start to feel better about your circumstances..... :)
Hope you figure out what you need to do - whatever that may be! Have a peaceful evening!
[ Previous Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 Next Page ]
hey donkey! you sound a little better today. you see, nobody can ALWAYS be strong and calm because we all have emotions. it is OK to talk about emotions, maybe just with your husband at first. but yes, you should let them out because if you don't you'll just have another anxiety attack, right? don't think you need to be PERFECT for your kids or anyone else. people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are. i do that too, by the way. i am always thinking about what negative things people must say about me.
as for the weight, you know it fluctuates. i know it's hard to accept though. my weight went for a major fluctuation this week in a majorly wrong direction too! smartly, i didn't let it affect my negative thinking so much this time. :)
jon'smom on 07/26/2008:
Great to see you here Donkey. Like you, I am a constant worrier(I had my first ulcer when I was in the third grade!) And when I have nothing to be worried about, I become worried. Things became worse when I became a mom. But now things are becoming better and I believe things will work out for you too. I can tell you are a STRONG person. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you just how strong you really are. Now if I could just get a grip on this perfectionist(?) thing LOL
thinnside40 on 07/26/2008:
Correct!.... I went through things similar before and had to "deal" with them as they overcame me or were going to if I didn't "talk my way down"...Feels as though sometimes I am having a heart-attack..In fact have went to the hospital in the past thinking I was....But now, I know my heart is fine (been tested) and I have to "settle" feelings the best I can at the time.....Sounds like you have a support in your husband and for that I am so thankful for you, cause many women do not.....I do too......Can't explain "why" sometimes it comes on either....Just to have someone hold, understand,not try to "fix you" & not prying makes big difference.....
Good Weekend to you!
Beth201P on 07/26/2008:
I am so sorry you are having those attacks. Not fun at all. I with you on the weight being up. What did we do wrong, plus I have a stomach bug and that usually helps with the weight loss. LOL Well I hope your weekend is much much better. ((Hugs))
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2008:
hola donk donk! i hope you are feeling better now. have a good evening and i'll check on you on your next post! :)
WI3 on 07/27/2008:
I am glad you are going to talk to someone and that you understand what is going on with you. That is more than half the battle =)
Wishing you a good day!