Wow, I gained almost 10lb since the last time I posted. And believe it or not, my weight was as high as 140.0 at one point in December.
December was a horrible month. I don't know if I should even rehash what happened. My grandfather died. My legal problems got worse. My depression reached rock bottom.
Thing is, the legal problems, the weight and the depression aren't going away just because it's a new year. So .... I'm obviously carrying issues from 2008 into 2009. Not exactly the "Fresh Start" I was hoping for or needing, but we don't always get what we need or want in life.
I do hope though to post more regularly here. I want to shed this extra weight. I hate it. It's very uncomfortable to be carrying around such heavy burdens.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!
How does a person forgive herself? Especially when the transgression is something that is totally incompatable with how she identifies herself with?
Ideas? Insight?
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
Blessings to you & yours this season!
This weigh-in is from a couple of days ago. I may or may not have lost more since. I don't know. I'm having a hard time eating enough again, but some days, I do eat enough to compensate (i.e. I eat a lot more, but no bingeing -- and that's GOOD.)
The only thing time I am happy is when I'm exercising. It is my only joy in life right now.
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
Do not be fooled by my "Current Weight". My weigh-in days are on Tuesdays.... but I took a sneak-peek this morning to see how much damage I had done -- with holiday and emotional eating and then TOM on top of everything! >:-(
And my weight was 132.5. So essentially, I am maintaining around my "goal weight" of 130.
HOWEVER, yesterday, I had proof how FAT I have gotten.
I am a Wedding Hostess at my church. Basically, I'm a wedding coordinator on behalf of the church, to make sure protocol is followed and to answer any questions and to keep the program flowing. I have a dress that I wear for this function. It has been loose in the previous 2 weddings I hosted, but yesterday it was tight around the hips and gut (stomach). Certainly not around the bust area, though, unfortunately.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. But I was very disappointed, to say the least. I loved being thinner. Still, I think that 130 is a healthy weight for myself and my sanity.
I am sadly resolved to living in a larger body than I would like. Oh well, at least it's functional. I shouldn't complain. It's just hard to give up a dream and be resigned to reality.
Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!
as for me, i am in the front lines doing battles with food every minute of every day right now. my once healthy eating has transformed itself over the past 1.5 years into a battleground of gluttony. i have gained about 25 lbs in that time frame. my ankles hurt. and i'm a youthful 26. i need to change my ways. and peanut butter is DEF a trigger for me no doubt! if i were living on my own, i KNOW i'd be at least 25 pounds smaller. there is sooo much temptation here. i may just find myself hanging out at the library for now on. ugh!
Funny thing about that: my good friend today told me i look great and asked me if i lose more weight. No, if anything, i gained a few pounds, but I told her I am really happy, and that's why she thought that. I stick with happy before thinner. :) xo
(That was my weight on Tuesday, but I've had a couple of binges since then and now Thanksgiving -- I'm sure next week's weigh-in won't be so pleasant.)
I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving if you are in American and celebrate it. I wanted to tell you all how thankful I am for the support that I have found here. I cannot possibly thank you enough for your comments and insights and suggestions. Thank you and God bless.
Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!
and HAPPY THANKSGIVING :)
Last time I weighed in, I was at 128.0. I think that is a good weight for my body. I weigh-in on Tuesdays. So that is when I will update my "current weight".
I have been doing much better with eating & exercise. The anxiety is still there, but I'm not dealing with it with food. I plan on asking my therapist for a recommendation to a psychiatrist for something for that, just to take as an "as needed" basis.
The depression, though, is another story... I think I can count the number of "feel good" days on one hand. I don't want any medication for that though because anti-depressants make you gain a ton of weight.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
I take wellbutrin for my depression. It doesn't cause weight gain. For me, depression causes weight gain. Wellbutrin allows me to curb that depression appetite. I did take paxil, zoloft, and prozac before and those medications stimulated my appetite big time. But wellbutrin doesn't. In fact, it does a lot of good in helping me control my appetite. Wellbutrin is also used as a stop smoking medication (packaged under a different name of course) and it has been shown that people with eating disorders should NOT take wellbutrin because it does help us control those activities if we don't have an ED and if we do have an ED it might help control it too much. If you need to take an antidepressant, ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. One of the biggest signals I have that I need to go back on medicine aside from the sadness, is when I start eating and eating and eating and can't seem to stop. Trying to medicate myself with the sugar surge/caloric surge, in order to keep my mood elevated. Yes, I use food as medication to make myself feel better and it is a physical reaction to my body trying to even out the seretonin. I have a problem with seretonin distribution. And it will regulate and then I can go off the meds for a little while, but then it stops proper distribution and I have to get it regulated again. Eating to make myself feel good in my head is a sure sign that I need to get back on medication for a while.
That being said, Wellbutrin is not a weight loss drug..but for folks like me who have seretonin problems, it helps even us out so that we don't turn to food.
Glad you aren't giving up on yourself! That is very positive news!
i am glad you are not dealing with the depression with food. as you can see from my diary, i'm having major issues...and have had those issues for about 1.5 years now of procrastinating and self-healing with food. but it's getting better. i can feel it...
Keep up the good work Donkey!
that's what i do - not necessarily what i think you should or shouldn't do. i am sooooo working to make my life fuller, better, more at ease. and it is a challenge for sure. but if i can do it, well, i KNOW you can.
I'm still here. My weight is up, but that's ok. It's been a very hard month, but I haven't given up on myself.
Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!
All I have to say is that it was a very trying week... But now I have learned that I have to just sit back and let things happen.
Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!
You are cat person, too! Inky is a tottally black cat, but she looks grey in the picture. Your silver cat must be gourgeous!
Just weighing in for the week. I'm not all that dissatisfied with the number. Initially it said 123.5 (2x) but the third time it registered at 124.0. And then it said that 2 more times. So that is the number I will go with.
I will continue my plan of not tracking calories (except dinner and protein) for the upcoming week. The peace of mind is ... freeing (is that even a word?) ... and as long as my weight is stable, then I think the trade-off is worth it.
Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!
As for J, yes, that's the idea. It's actually breaking the circle, because he may not miss me and want to come back, so I can't count on it. Especially now with a new girl around him. Bad timing, I wish I cut him off while there was no one else for him to go out with. Oh well.
I REALLY wish he misses me, It will hurt so much more if he goes off with this girl and move on...
I hope your plan continues to work for you--you'll probably know pretty quick if you have to go back to counting something. (Freeing is a perfectly good word.)
Have a good one!
I don't know what I weigh. I haven't gotten on the scale since Wednesday, when I weighed 126.5. I probably don't weigh too much less than that now, but that is irrelevant.
I've stopped counting calories for the most part, except for my dinner calories. I've stopped measuring food except for my morning peanut butter (because it's sooo easy for me to go over), my coffee creamer (ditto on the overdo), and my lunch protein (to make sure I get enough protein).
I make sure I drink 3L of water a day. More is fine, less does not meet my goal, but so far, so good.
I am using a common sense approach to food. I know what to eat and what not to eat. Eventually the "what not to eat" will become "what to eat in moderation" but I'm not at that point yet.
I use the feel of my wedding rings to monitor my "progress" or "status". (Not sure what to call it yet.) For example, yesterday I could tell that my weight was higher because the rings were tighter than usual. Sure enough, PMS started last night. And, er, there were some bathroom issues that needed to get resolved, which they were today. But that didn't stop me from enjoying a big bowl of (pre-planned) air-popped popcorn last night.
I have had no urges to binge, although today is Day 5 (binge-free) and that is the longest that I have been able to go binge-free. But I think it will be different this time, because I have not restricted calories so much afterward.
The next step will probably be to work on the exercise issue.
Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!
Xo
just make sure that you are not a waste of time. and i know you don't think that. please girl, if you need to speak out on whats bothering you, feel free.
just so you know, my mom is making my living at home HORRIBLE! on purpose. i KNOW that in the back of her head, she wants me to leave. she would do that. my dad, he's ok with the current living arrangements. hmmm. i'll have to deal with her these next two years...then i'm out!
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Hey Donkey, I hope 2009 is the year you overcome your problems! You go through so much and you're hanging in there, so you can do it! I was so depressed about all the J crap that I was thinking the only thing that will make me feel better is to lose weight. So let's do that and things will be brighter. Xo
greengirl on 01/01/2009:
Good to hear from you Donkey, but I wish your news was better. I know it's not much comfort but we are here to support you as best we can. Condolences on the death of your Grandfather and I will be praying that your problems will become easier to bear in the coming year. Keep your chin up, kiddo. 'HUGS' from Manchester, UK coming your way !
Justine6Robert3 on 01/01/2009:
Hi Donkey, it's been a really long time.....sorry to hear your struggling right now. My condolences on the loss of your Grandfather. I'm really sorry that your depression has been such a struggle. I also suffer from depression and it seems to be something that I'm battling particularly hard right now. I know there have been many triggers and alot of tough things that have happened this past year for me although there has also been alot of good things as well. For some reason it's been harder for me lately to just focus on the good. I know alot of my weight gain is from emotional eating and really just not liking myself to much....I'm working on that....well, always working on that one :0)
What ever your struggles may be, just know that things will get better and you are worth it and therefore you deserve to be healthy and happy. I'll be thinking of you and I really hope this year things get better for you!
loveray on 01/02/2009:
im so sorry to hear about your loss- i lost both of my grandparents on the same day about 2 years ago and i think i am still grieving. it is so hard to not turn that pain and sorrow inward, but loving ourselves enough to seek help, feel the pain and be with the loss are so much more rewarding in the long run than wallowing in the pain with food. i wish you a happy and healthy new year! xoxo
skinnyjeans on 01/02/2009:
So sorry to hear about your crappy December. I hope you have a wonderful 2009.