Weighed in this morning so I thought it only right to update my DD as well.
I'm trying to get myself back into the mindset of losing weight. I've done the healthy lifestyle change and can live with that. But now I need to get back to a more comfortable weight. And that means that I will need to experience discomfort to some degree until I get back, closer to goal.
So yesterday, my meals were lighter, but I ate every 2-3 hours. That seemed to help. I have cut back on my cardio, to help with cravings.
Last night, I had air-popped popcorn for my "late night" snack, and was satisfied with that. One "test" that I have used in the past with regards to nighttime snacking is asking myself if I want carrots. Because if I'm truly hungry, then the answer will be YES, I want carrots. But if I'm just "bingey" (as HoP says), then the answer would be NO.
And that's when I need to go brush my teeth, floss, use mouthwash and fill up my water bottle.
On the weekends, I have decided that I will be walking on the treadmill instead of my usual ellptical/weights schedule. I had a great time today, watching TV and walking on the treadmill at the gym. A real nice change of pace.
I mention this because I was very tempted to hop on the elliptical, but then I decided that, No, I would not. This is the weekend and weekends are meant to be "active" and different (even if I'm at the gym).
If I'm going to reach my weight loss goal, I need to look beyond all the emotion and just get back to basics. I think that's where my journey gets "muddled". I'm trying to work on emotional stuff AND weight loss at the same time and things get rather disordered trying to do too much at once.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
OK, here's the situation:
I know what I want to achieve.
I know how to do it.
But for some reason, I just can't get myself to do the hard work. I do pretty well during the day, and then at night I just fall apart and self-medicate with food.
It's kind of like holding my breath the whole day and then exhaling to the extreme at night.
And it's not as though I am restricting my calories during the day so that I eat and eat and eat at the end of the day out of hunger. That's not it at all.
I was thinking, if I could get my day to end at 7pm, I'd be doing great! (Some days though, it'd be nice if my day could end at 4:30p.)
So I'm not sure what's going on, but that's pretty much of where I'm at.
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
Have a good weekend......
Just keeping it real, over here... Not very happy with it.
Trying a new routine, with regards to exercise, which in turn has caused me to readjust my calorie level (lower). We'll see how it goes...
Progress as of today: 37 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!
Hope you're doing well today!
Let me preface this entry by saying that I do not know what I weigh today. I am feeling extremely bloated and LARGE. I am extremely aware of the extra weight I am carrying around on my frame, and it is uncomfortable, to say the least.
However, I am not going to beat myself up about my setback, but rather pick myself up and keep trying.
You know, moods come and go. Life can be good; life can be hard. And even though I am not doing very well emotionally right now, I'm not going to let that derail my efforts THIS time.
So good or bad, happy or sad, laughter or tears, I'm putting my physical self back on track.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
As for me, both baby! I find the walks and build them myself. I probably put some barb wire on top of them too. I am not smart and love a pity party. This needs to change now!
xoxo
It has been a difficult week. Just bad all the way around. Stress, depression, tension, bloat, weight gain, discouragement.
I am stuck. I have tried and tried and nothing has worked. I don't know what else to try.
I am tired. I am hungry. I am sad.
Progress as of today: 39.5 lbs lost so far, only 10.5 lbs to go!
OK, now I know what I weigh, and to be honest, I am surprised that I don't weigh more. I was half-way expecting to see something around 142. Then I thought, "Gee, what if the scale says 147.5?"
So this is ok. And I'm wondering if I am starting another "hit" to my metabolism. Every 5 years or so, starting around 20, 21, 22 -- a woman's metabolism slows down and everything "shifts" a bit. I doubted the person who told me this initially, but over the years, I have come to realize that she was right.
(This bit of wisdom spoken by my very first Exercise Buddy.)
And now that I am approaching 39 this month, it seems as though this is what might be happening to my body. 130 seems **impossible** to reach at this point.
But it's not. At least I don't think so. I'm not giving up. But I will say that with this "shift" in body has come a "shift" in perspective. I'm not so hung up on the number on the scale. I'm much more focused on athletic pursuits. Not that I'm indifferent to the number or that I wouldn't L-O-V-E to be at a lower weight.
It's just now I can see that it's just a number. It won't bring me love or acceptance or self-confidence or anything like that. It's me, as I am right now, just less.
Anyway, my point is this: If what you're doing isn't working, be patient. If it's still not working, then it's time to try a new approach.
Progress as of today: 41.5 lbs lost so far, only 8.5 lbs to go!
I have no idea what I currently weigh. I guess I'm sticking my head in an oat bag and hiding from reality. Most of my days are sorrowful. You would try to hide too.
I was doing well, until most recently. Both Thursday and Friday did not end well, foodwise. Thursday, I let it slide, but last night I finally had to admit that I was self-medicating with food.
My husband says, "What can I do to fix this? What can I do to help you feel better?" But truth be told, nothing can be done. The past can't be changed or fixed or erased. There's just too much pain.
I'm glad I have had this opportunity to say that. Thank you, Diet Diaries.
Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
don't hide. the more you hide, the worse your eating/binging will get.
My weight shot up today. Feeling very bloated. So hopefully this will pass.
I started running again today. It was either that or sink deeper into depression, and I didn't like the thoughts I was starting to have. So I went for a run. It was good, but my lower back hurt. It is very windy here today, which makes it hard to run, too. I would have rather have run in the morning, but due to my 9yr old's social calendar, I had to put it off until the afternoon.
On the happy side, 7 days binge free! And I'm in the 3rd? 4th? week of weight training, with visible improvement in my arms & chest, perhaps abs, too, if I didn't have loose skin from having had 2 huge babies a decade+ ago.
Progress as of today: 42 lbs lost so far, only 8 lbs to go!
i know i'm babbling to you...i don't think you'll mind lol.
i don't know...congrats on your binge free days. something that helps me not binge is not always eating too little...like, i know it may NOT be feasible for me to have many 1200 cal days in a row and i don't aim that low. but, if it works out that way, great. if it doesn't, i've just been happy for it to work out to whatever "low" number i can. i am trying to be happy with my efforts and not be too judgemental or harsh with myself. that's not a life i want to live - to degrade, punish, harrass myself. it's not good. and i know you agree.
so i'm working at it, slowly but surely.
I really push myself when I exercise and at my current weight, that is a problem becus this body just can't handle it. Part of it is that when I'm exercising - I'm in control, you know? Anyway - gotta work up to, got to accept I can't do it all overnight.
Hope you're having a good week!
My current weight is approximate. This is what I weighed on Friday morning, after not eating enough (or my usual amount) on Thursday. So perhaps my weight is up a little.
Like biscottibody, I most recently had a reality check with my scale. After a "lost weekend" of eating chips and salsa -- which are NOT my favorite foods at all (I'm more of an ice cream or chocolate or sweets person) -- my scale reported to me that I weighed 140.5. And this was after a day of getting back on track. So I am guessing that my weight reached even higher numbers after the weekend.
But a week of getting back on track has brought me back to the very edge of maintenance range. I've readjusted my progress bar, because I think I should give myself credit for all that I have accomplished in this journey.
So let me begin this entry with an update of where this month has taken me:
1. I won the cardio contest at the gym with 7950 minutes of cardio exercise in 60 days. First prize was a free 6-month gym membership!
I did not lose any weight during this contest. The carb cravings at the beginning and end were awful. The pains that I was feeling at the beginning of the contest (foot, knee, hip, back) eventually cleared up, with the exception of my back, which is a long-standing injury and will rear its ugly head now and then regardless of exercise.
So I am happy to report that I am injury free!
2. I recently ended therapy. According to the therapist, I was pretty much done, but then at the last session, he said I didn't have to quit if I felt there was more to work on. WTF? First you tell me, done. Then you say, maybe not? No, no more. After 2 weeks of crying and feeling lost, while coming to terms with "this is as good as I'm going to get", then he pulls this trick out the hat?
No, no more back and forth. I think I need to live my life and accept my New Reality (as Elizabeth Edwards calls it in her book, "Resilience" -- which I highly recommend if you are trying to overcome a life-changing tragic event in your life).
All the therapy in the world isn't going to change things. And no, I haven't forgiven myself for what has happened, but I don't know that I ever could. And I have to live with that. That is my New Reality.
Enough of that.
3. I have not yet resumed running, due to the awful heat and humidity in the Chicago area. However, I do plan to do so soon. A new challenge. And cathartic as well. Nothing cleanses the soul more than running.
4. I have resumed my focus on weight training now that my time at the gym is mine and not the contest's. I can definitely feel (and see) changes in my arms. I do not see changes in my "fat donkey" or my "tree trunk legs", but perhaps I can no longer be objective about them. I know that running will help with their appearance, assuming I could ever see them realistically.
5. I have not made any progress on job hunting or returning to school. I have done quite a few volunteer activities though, which has helped me somewhat, although I still feel as though I am part of the Living Dead. Not really alive, but just going through the motions of life until my physical being catches up with my inner self.
No, I said enough of that, now.
One thing I have learned is that this is truly a journey. And when bad things happen, it simply means that we are meant to take a different path in life at that time. I have also learned that for myself, I don't learn so much from the successes in life, but more so with the failures. I think it is the failures that guide my path more than anything else.
I have wanted to resume my writing here on DD on a more regular basis, but just didn't get to that point, but now I think I am ready to utlize this site more, and see where the rest of the year takes me. Then I will re-evaluate again. I am wondering if perhaps this year will mark the end of my weight loss and that again, I need to accept my weight for what it is. Just as I need to do for so many other things in my life. Accept.
Progress as of today: 45 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
You "sound" so good in this entry--thanks for the heads up on the book--I'll add it to my list! I saw/heard her interviewed and I wasn't too hep'd up to read it, but I always appreciate a well-written thoughtful book!
That old saying "time heals all wounds" is such crap on some level. Time and work and thought and distraction begins to heal some wounds--that's what my experience might say! We can be sooo very hard on ourselves and at some point we have to find a way to let up!
Have a good Saturday!
I thought I would just check in before the month ends. I check in daily, but I have felt uninspired to write anything with relation to weight loss. I guess, maybe because I haven't really lost anything. I've struggled to stay away from the 140 mark, as a matter of fact.
But I have noticed that now that the weather has turned warmer that I am not eating as much. It's just easier to restrict calories in the warmer weather. I wonder if my ED is seasonal, like SAD.
I am winning the cardio contest at the gym, but I felt like I have sold my soul to the devil for 2 months. It was very, very painful at the beginning. My foot hurt, my knee hurt, then I started having hip problems.... But believe it or not, after 2 (or 3?) weeks of pain, I started becoming resistant to the pain. And now I'm feeling nearly injury free.
And I can do 3 hours of cardio (at a lower intensity) and feel like I could go another hour if I wasn't hungry and stinky.
One thing that this contest made me realize is that I have been overtraining my body for nearly 2 years, if not more. I really need to tone it down and use my heart rate as a good indication as to whether I am doing effective cardio or working too hard. Exercise should not be punitive.
So once June gets here -- or maybe after the contest is over (june 15th), I plan to cut back on the cardio and pump up the weight training and maintain the nutrition.
I don't want another summer like I had last year. OK, that's a lie. I would *love* to be 116, but it's not healthy for me to be there. So I tell myself these lies so I don't go insane....
Progress as of today: 0.5 lbs lost so far, only 4.5 lbs to go!
Your ED is "eating disorder" I know... But, at first all I could think about was Viagra commercials..
Happy days!!!!!
you MUST have built some nice muscle, with all that cardio! do you do 3 hours at once? if so, you really SHOULD have like a vitamin water sipping on and off starting 30-45 minutes into your cardio exercise. you will DEFINITLY be able to do more. even drinking water, since i don't do usually over an hour of exercise, helps me do MUCH better with cardio than without.
i want the weight to come off faster, i'm so impatient. i see skinny girls and say, "why don't i just not eat these snacks??" but then i know it'll lead to a binge. so i'm trying to eat the snacks and eat sorta balanced, but more carbs, bc that is what helps with exercise and energy etc.
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Wow - great loss! Way to go! You seem to have it together.
Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/20/2009:
heyyyyy donk donk! so thrilled to get a comment from you while i was gone. :)
sorry you are not feeling in the zone with your weight. remember, it takes time to lose what it takes moments to gain! lol. at least that's how it is with you and me, right? but it will come off. you are smart to eat the small meals and snacks. on the trip, i stuck with Meals Only. no snacks, except for flavored water almost everyday, a two liter bottle, and sometimes more. it was only lightly flavored, and the 2 liter bottle was like 200 cal. with all the sweating it was a good thing for me. however, now that i'm home, with all the food temptations, i fully intend on incorporating snacks back in right away. being on the trip, all the excitement, helped me ward off cravings or even from getting most cravings. however, my energy levels definitely were affected gravely.
i will be going to a psychologist today, first visit, in my adult life. aside from the time i went to one as a college student but never went back bc i was left with a sour impression. hopefully this visit will be better. just like you, i am going to hopefully "demuddle" my journey...
sending you love...