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Donkey - Sunday Aug 10, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.5

Do you think I'm freaking out????? THIS is what eating frozen watermelon at 9p will do to your numbers on the scale. UGH!!!!

Woke up feeling VERY puffy today. Just call me the Puff Donkey (or P-Donkey, I suppose, eh?).

I hope to update this entry later on today with something more substantial to say.

Progress as of today: 25.5 lbs lost so far, only -11.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 08/10/2008:
The one nice thing about watermelon (well for me anyway) is that it does help with constipation lol. Hang in there Miss P-Donkey! Water retention is inevitable at some point. It really does piss me off, though LOL

beth201P on 08/10/2008:
I know what you mean, however it is mother nature for me. lol During this time of the month I wish I was fixed. lol Have a good Sunday. (hug)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/10/2008:
HAHAHA!!! p-donk! that's just one of the most awesome things i've read in your diary lately!!! :)

well, watermelon is filled with healthy water and some sugar! so, it's normal for the water to bloat you a bit if you eat a lot of it late. but, it's totally healthy so stop it!!! don't go totally by the scale. i think you are a bit addicted to the scale, actually. i remember when i get addicted to weight and start weighing myself every day, that's not good. now, i can tell if i'm up or down just by how i feel. i do like to weigh myself when i know i am down, but i am not at all addicted to the scale. if you weigh yourself once per day, that's good but i'd recommend you take an average of your weights for the week to see if you are really up/down. so, average 7 days and see where you are week to week. that's what i'd do.

i am STILL doing pushups and i love them so! thank you thank you thank you! I like how they make my shoulders look BROADER. it makes me look more athletic. yay! :)

Jen40 on 08/11/2008:
What's this about push ups? I'm liking the sound of that! :O)

Donkey - Saturday Aug 09, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.0

Several things to talk about:

1. I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago and he knows about these issues I have with food and weight. I try not to give them too much of the therapy sessions because that's not what's REALLY bothering me. The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems.

2. It's not about the numbers. Ha ha - sometimes I forget this, as you saw in yesterday's post. I hit a really low point yesterday, and that's when the numbers (calories, weight, exercise, etc.) kind of take over my brain. Total defense mechanism, but I can't go there. Or if I do, I have to make sure I don't stay there too long or turning around will be harder and harder.

3. Being thin doesn't count if you're not healthy & happy. This kind of repeats #2 listed above, but more compactly and precisely. I should have a bumper sticker that says that.

As you can see, my numbers (ha ha) are up today, but that is probably because of the ice cream that I had last night. I seem to be making Friday nights sort of a Treat Night, where I have an indulgence or 2. I had 1/2 cups (give or take) of 3 or 4 of the flavors of ice cream that we have here in the house. I'm not replacing them once they are finished. Time to get that **** out of the house.

OK -- this post has already started to become WAY too involved in food and numbers and weight. So I'm ending it here. It stops now.

Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/09/2008:
Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist! That should really help. Let us know when you feel progress--although just the fact you started going is a huge progress in itself! Glad to hear you gave yourself a treat too. Enjoy your weekend. xo.

WI3 on 08/09/2008:
**The food and the weight -- that's just noise to protect me from facing my real problems. **

Exactly. And some of us use food to protect us from our problems and go the OTHER way, which is gaining weight. You did work very hard to lose the weight and you did it during some very, very stressful times, and you were successful. So it is only natural that you would return to what you did that you feel very good about, and have that control, even when you know it might be a bit too much. Your weight and what you put in your mouth, or don't put in your mouth, are things that nobody can control or take away from you. My sister does the same thing but does it with eating too much food and not exercising. To her, being obese is what SHE wants...so because she is obese, she is therefore in control of her life. Even though she isn't happy and knows it isn't good for her.

Hang in there Donkey, you will eventually break through your real reasons and regain more control of parts of your life that you feel you can't right now. For whatever reason.

I am really very happy to see someone addressing the OTHER side of weight obsession, and so openly. In reality, overeating/underexercising and overeating/overexercising, are in a parallel universe. I am glad you are seeing the therapist..maybe it won't be so scary getting to the other side. Take care =)

Jen40 on 08/09/2008:
Nah, W13 said everything I was thinking only better, take care. I hope today is going well for you. Maybe something fun?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/09/2008:
i like how you do mention therapy and how you are doing something to aid you in feeling better about everything that's going on and not just the food/exercise. of course you know i can relate to you on how we use food/numbers/calories/exercise as shields to what's really going on. i think i definitely used that on my trip. focussing on how to be different and set myself apart from others by trying to eat healthy. then again, i enjoy eating healthy.

anyways, back to you. what you wrote up there, the points you listed, are good. it shows you are striving to focus on your internal health. keep it up!

Donkey - Friday Aug 08, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

I cannot possibly describe how strong the desire is to see a lower number on the scale. Throw me a bone: 115, 114.5.... 113 would be such a pretty number.

I'm tired of seeing 116. Blah.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

omahagrl on 08/08/2008:
Can I ask why your original goal of being 125 is now 102? My concern is that you have exceeded your goal and you should be so proud of your accomplishment. Yet your entries talk about seeing yourself as getting larger and are not the same tone as they were in the past. I know I have suggested this in the past but have you thought about seeing a counselor, therapist or even talking to your physician about this. Although all I know of you is from your entries I am concerned as I have had friends that have had feelings like you have only to find that losing weight did not make them happier but only caused more anxiety and depression. I say this as honest as the advice that you have given me in the past year. ((((HUGS))))

grumpy on 08/08/2008:
When you see 113, you will want 108. when you see 108, you will want 100, what after that? You should focus on your health, especially your anxiety issues. have a great friday!

Agent_Guber on 08/08/2008:
I hope that everything turns out the way they should for you, I am sorry you have anxiety .. it is so hard to live with especially when dealing with body image issues. I understand what you are going through. I use to be really big and I lost almost 100 pounds, I still saw myself at my original weight. I would go to the store and I would still pick up a 20 even though I was in a 12, then I would have to go back a few times until I got the right size because I didnt believe the changes my body had made, when I looked in the mirror I saw the same person I was, not who I had become.

maria777 on 08/08/2008:
Sounds like you are perfect right where you are!!! Be happy with it! Have you ever heard of eating disorders? It is easy to develop when on a diet, especially when one is dealing with a lot of stress. I am not saying that you have one...but at one time 'I' had one...I reached my goal but it was not good enough...I kept on and on til I ended up in the hospital...

Now that you have done so well, why not just maintain where you are and move on to thinking about other things...other things to DISTRACT your mind with instead of the scale? My Hubby threw out my scale last month cause he was concerned about me and while I am not saying for you to do likewise, I AM saying that you really need to think this through...and take good care of yourself in the meanwhile. ~Love, Maria

medusa on 08/08/2008:
Hey there. I ve seen your comment in my diary. Nice people are nice and mean people are mean. My big luck was thati understood that very early,so i learned to respond to all the mean people i ve met in my life. The greatest pleasure is that i noticed that except calling me "fat" they could say nothing else against me. Remember,they always have nothing else to say,and when they are mean they just trying to cover their own complexes and disantvantages.

Oh wait,116 lbs? Girl you are slim!


Jen40 on 08/08/2008:
*hugs* there's so much I want to say, but I don't think I have the right to, and I don't think you really want to hear it. You know the answer here, deep within you and you don't need me to say it. But know that at one time, I knew exactly what you're feeling and why you're going for that lower number again. Honey, go talk with a counselor, there's no shame in it.

Donkey - Thursday Aug 07, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK... It's going to be OK...

One of those days...

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/07/2008:
Aww, *hugs* I hope your day wasn't all that bad.

WI3 on 08/07/2008:
You're damn right it is going to be ok!! You GO GIRL!! =)

loveray on 08/08/2008:
hi donkey! thanks so much for your comments lately. i wanted to share a bit of my anxiety story with you: it seems as though it gets worse for me when i doubt my true self or my deepest feelings and opinions. seems like you think you "should be" calm, cool and collected- when the truth is i believe that anxiety is the negative symbol of a deep, passionate, committed and feeling human being. go with it- and try to use the energy for something positive. love to you!

Donkey - Tuesday Aug 05, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

I seem to have stabilized at around 116. Lately, I have been feeling very large. I swear, last night, I thought that certain body parts had gotten noticeably larger within the last week or so. I don't think so.

I need to learn how to deal with anxious feelings. My husband is such a calm and cool guy on the outside in most situations. Me, on the other hand, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm so transparent.

This here nerdy Donkey needs to work on being one cool racehorse. Or at least coming across like one.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 08/05/2008:
Keep going!!! You're doing fantastic!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/05/2008:
calm it. you know body parts just don't grow overnight! lol. even me, consuming enough to gain 4 lbs in a week still sorta fits into her clothes. uhhh.

grumpy on 08/06/2008:
I am sure you're not large. I was talking to loveray about this today. That skinny b***ch (hahahaha, i love her, she knows i would say that just to joke with her) said she felt fat, because she's going through some rough times. I told her not to let her mind trick her into even say, think, or type the word fat associated to her, since its so far from reality. same goes to you. instead of feeling 'very large" what were you REALLY feeling? Defeated? Anxious? See my point? Anyway, it's okay to be transparent, i don't think that's a flaw. I think the real issue is your anxiety and all of ours for that matter. Let's give a kick in the behind of the REAL issue.

As for your comment to me yesterday, we may very well be sharing the same man, because mine is really cute too. he's just not really 'mine', dang it!!!!!

WI3 on 08/06/2008:
Sometimes I feel like I have a really big head. And I ask brian if my head looks bigger than the last time he saw it...he laughs but seriously sometimes I think my head gets bigger overnight. Like it retains water or something.

YOU ARE NOT BIG...you are small. You are very small. You are so small that you were worried about your small self. The anxious feeling is probably just making you feel bigger, freaking you out and all that stuff.

I do, however, understand that people with distorted body image or distorted eating, also have that feeling. And that sometimes when your life seems totally out of control, if the only thing you feel good at controlling is your weight, sometimes it becomes an obsession because it feels good to master the weight loss. And it can happen to anyone. I think we all have obsessions, and some of them can be weight control.

You are not big. You may have parts of yourself that you don't like, we all do. Right now the part I don't like is my whole body.

Hang in there Donkey...and don't pretend anything. =)

Donkey - Sunday Aug 03, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.5

OK, yesterday was 114.0 and today was 116.5. And before that it was 115.5. So I took the average and it seems as though I've settled at around 115, which I can live with.

My one scale (yes, I have 2 scales and I weigh-in on both) measures water weight, and it is elevated this morning, so I'm sure I'm holding in quite a bit. It's rather humid today, and tomorrow it promises to be very hot and muggy, which I detest.

Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/03/2008:
Thanks! Which parts you like reading the best? When I end up eating too much, when J doesn't wanna commit or when I can make myself workout? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding, thanks for saying you like it though! And I think the name Donkey is pretty good, too, so maybe you don't need to change it to Crabby. Hahaha. Hugs!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/03/2008:
haha. right now i am holding everything: weight, food, water!

i will make sure to keep eating often. i always do but lately it's gotten to be too much so. i need to keep some kind of schedule bc at work i just take coffee whenever i feel like it and i'm going overboard. getting bloated all the time and just consuming too much volume. i think. tomorrow's going to be difficult at work. perhaps i'll pick up one of those starbucks drinks on the way there! :)

Donkey - Friday Aug 01, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 115.5

OK, the only reason why I'm reporting this today is because it's the first of the month, and I thought it would be a good idea to have a reference point for how I do in August.

I would say that I'm starting to get concerned. I'm trying to work it out in my thoughts, to gather inner strength and a clear perspective. Definitely time to phase in a healthy maintenance program. Definitely....

Progress as of today: 28.5 lbs lost so far, only -14.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 08/01/2008:
Yes, definitely. Don't let yourself lose more than that. I am worried about you!

WI3 on 08/01/2008:
I'm on your side and rooting for you. If there is one thing I've learned about you since you joined DD, is that you can do anything you set your mind to do..even if it scares the h*ll out of you. Good for you on getting some outside help..that is fantastic!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/02/2008:
hmmm. so i guess you are being very logical about your health and weight. start slowly maybe add in 100 calories or something each day for a week and see if that helps you. just a little and you can experiment to see what works for you.

WI3 on 08/02/2008:
I am very happy that you understand what I am going through with my mother. I love her very much and I know she loves me, but wow...sometimes I can't breathe when she smothers me. Here's to two survivors trying to make our way in this world! I hope you are doing well =)

Donkey - Thursday Jul 31, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.0

It's funny how talking to someone objective can make a person feel so much better. However, now I feel less than ever like eating. Bleah...

I'll have another cup of coffee instead. It will be OK.

Progress as of today: 27 lbs lost so far, only -13 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/31/2008:
I am glad you feel much better after the talk. But as far as not feeling like eating, i guess you have to make the same effort as the rest of us (who would wanna overeat), force yourself to eat just enough for your body needs and healthy choices. Good luck!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2008:
so the talk went well today?? good. i hope this person gives you good advice.

just remember you cannot starve. i miss reading your menus.

Beth201P on 07/31/2008:
Hey sometimes talking does help a lot. Have a great Friday. ((hug))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2008:
you are one of the few that have told me to call/email him. i hope i've made the right choice. i'm actually quite nervous about that. i feel like i need to read a magazine article to calm myself down before calling him. arg!

Jen40 on 08/01/2008:
*Hugs* I'm glad you're seeing someone to get back on track. You sound like such a strong person, I know you can overcome this. I used to see a therapist for a couple years and talking helped me get my head clear in a safe environment with no pressure. Worked like magic!

Donkey - Wednesday Jul 30, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.0

Pay no attention to that number in the weight column. Monday it was 117.5. Tuesday it was 121.5. Today it is 116.0. I have 2 scales that are 1lb off, and both scales correspond to the influx in weight. So that leads me to conclude that the number on the scale is nothing but donkey-doo.

My phone call was returned yesterday and it was not good news, but it was not unexpected. I can't make my problems go away by ignoring them, so I will have to fight them until I have no further recourse. I was able to convey that I have done considerable effort on my part, but I still have some nagging issues. I don't know if I should bring them up. Husband says I should not, but if you have questions, shouldn't you ask?

I am talking to someone about my anxiety tomorrow. So far, I have been able to get SOME sleep (as opposed to little to no sleep), but only out of sheer exhaustion. But 4-5 hours is better than 3 hours or 2-hour chunks throughout the night. I hope that this person will be able to help me get a grip on my nerves.

Progress as of today: 28 lbs lost so far, only -14 lbs to go!

sweetpea1977 on 07/30/2008:
Im sorry about the news you got from the phone call. In my opinion, you should definitely ask questions if something is bugging you. Otherwise, you will obsess about it and eventually eat you up inside.

Im glad you were able to get some sleep. A little is better than none. Good luck with your anxiety discussion. I hope you find some answers and relief soon.

WI3 on 07/30/2008:
You know what? Remember back when you were struggling to get your weight to your goal? The fact that you are at goal and have even gone lower..seriously, that is a big accomplishment. And when you were struggling to maintain, and with the bus driving job and everything. As long as you aren't hurting yourself to lose the weight or keep it off, you have done a very very very good job...I am very impressed! I mean that!

I'm not sure what your struggles are, but wow, I read your entries and in spite of your humor (that Donkey humor that is so cool!) it feels like there are some very heavy things going on. I am so happy for you that you are going to speak to someone and get some assistance. You are a strong person and have been through a great deal, the move, trying to sell the house, all that frustration, the job, kids being sick, everything. But even the strongest of us need a haven and I am very glad to read you are going to create one for yourself. I wish you all the best!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/30/2008:
in my adult life, and i'm excluding college years when it dipped a couple pounds lower, my lowest which only lasted for about 1-2 weeks was around 107. i reached it when i was busiest, under the most stress, and being watched by everyone and everyone at work.

i'm glad you are doing something proactive for yourself! :)

Donkey - Monday Jul 28, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 117.5

Just checking to let you know that I'm still hanging on to that knot at the end of my rope :-) It'll be all right. (Although - I'm expecting a phone call that will tell me if it will *really* be all right or if I have to hang onto that knot a little longer.)

My husband mentioned yesterday that maybe I'm getting a little too thin. Hmm. I don't think so. My weight is still healthy. I eat a lot. I exercise. I think it's jut because my body fat % is 15, so I do admit I look lean. Ahh you gotta love summertime. I love being outside and active, eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. OF COURSE I'm going to be leaner. DUH! Now check back with me after Thanksgiving, when the Christmas cookies start to come out ;-) Trust me, it'll be a different story.

Progress as of today: 26.5 lbs lost so far, only -12.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/28/2008:
I wish all the best for you, but listen to your husband also. 117,5 sounds a little on the light side for me. Granted I never seen your frame, but I just say that because since you're experience anxiety and you are working out so so much, maybe you should keep your body a little stronger to have energy to face all this. Just make sure you don't go any lower. Good luck with your call. Hope it's all good news. xo

sweetpea1977 on 07/29/2008:
I hope you had a good phone call. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/29/2008:
i think its good your husband expressed his concerns. you seem happier today. remember, you are a valuable person and you should treat yourself well always. :)

loveray on 07/29/2008:
i hope that you are happy and feeling a sense of peace this evening. be well, ok? xoxo

shellybelly on 07/29/2008:
Thanks for the comment! Looking at your progress is encouraging. Take care!

WI3 on 07/29/2008:
That was nice of your husband to worry about you. Nice to have someone who cares enough to notice =)

Hang in there! Oh and yeah, for real about Thanksgiving and Christmas LOL!

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