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Donkey - Thursday Jan 01, 2009
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 136.0

Wow, I gained almost 10lb since the last time I posted.  And believe it or not, my weight was as high as 140.0 at one point in December.

December was a horrible month.  I don't know if I should even rehash what happened.  My grandfather died.  My legal problems got worse.  My depression reached rock bottom.

Thing is, the legal problems, the weight and the depression aren't going away just because it's a new year.  So ....  I'm obviously carrying issues from 2008 into 2009.  Not exactly the "Fresh Start" I was hoping for or needing, but we don't always get what we need or want in life.

I do hope though to post more regularly here.  I want to shed this extra weight.  I hate it. It's very uncomfortable to be carrying around such heavy burdens.

Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 6 lbs to go!

grumpy on 01/01/2009:
Hey Donkey, I hope 2009 is the year you overcome your problems! You go through so much and you're hanging in there, so you can do it! I was so depressed about all the J crap that I was thinking the only thing that will make me feel better is to lose weight. So let's do that and things will be brighter. Xo

greengirl on 01/01/2009:
Good to hear from you Donkey, but I wish your news was better. I know it's not much comfort but we are here to support you as best we can. Condolences on the death of your Grandfather and I will be praying that your problems will become easier to bear in the coming year. Keep your chin up, kiddo. 'HUGS' from Manchester, UK coming your way !

Justine6Robert3 on 01/01/2009:
Hi Donkey, it's been a really long time.....sorry to hear your struggling right now. My condolences on the loss of your Grandfather. I'm really sorry that your depression has been such a struggle. I also suffer from depression and it seems to be something that I'm battling particularly hard right now. I know there have been many triggers and alot of tough things that have happened this past year for me although there has also been alot of good things as well. For some reason it's been harder for me lately to just focus on the good. I know alot of my weight gain is from emotional eating and really just not liking myself to much....I'm working on that....well, always working on that one :0)

What ever your struggles may be, just know that things will get better and you are worth it and therefore you deserve to be healthy and happy. I'll be thinking of you and I really hope this year things get better for you!

loveray on 01/02/2009:
im so sorry to hear about your loss- i lost both of my grandparents on the same day about 2 years ago and i think i am still grieving. it is so hard to not turn that pain and sorrow inward, but loving ourselves enough to seek help, feel the pain and be with the loss are so much more rewarding in the long run than wallowing in the pain with food. i wish you a happy and healthy new year! xoxo

skinnyjeans on 01/02/2009:
So sorry to hear about your crappy December. I hope you have a wonderful 2009.

Donkey - Monday Dec 08, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 127.5

How does a person forgive herself?  Especially when the transgression is something that is totally incompatable with how she identifies herself with?

Ideas?  Insight?

Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

selina on 12/08/2008:
Hi Donkey! I'm so glad you found my comment to HoP helpful to you, you are most welcome and thank you for mentioning it to me - You made my day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/09/2008:
a person forgives themselves easily if they do not want to be putting up a fight with themselves every time they look in the mirror. that's my answer today at least. going to yoga, i'm about to murder myself with every glance i take (which is for almost 90 minutes straight). i am personally at arms with myself and i know that i'm better off NOT being that way. for i will reach happiness faster...and success. i feel this is a good strategy for anyone.

grumpy on 12/21/2008:
Hi Donkey, came to check on you. Let us know how you are doing. As for your question, I am trying to do that too. I think of what a DDer wrote once, and it made a lot of sense to me. She said once that she would start treating herself like she treats her daughter. She gave a good example about how if the little girl said she ate some candy in school, she would never say to her "oh great, you already f***ed up, so eat this bag of cookies" which is what we do to ourselves. Her example was great, I think. And also can be applied to forgiving yourself. Because we're so much more forgiving to other than ourselves. So use the example on another person and see how you'd react towards it. Hope it helps. Xo

thinnside40 on 12/22/2008:
Donkey~ Thank You!...... Not being one to comment on my posts usually, then to get the hug from you today totally brought tears to my eyes to know that people I don't really know other than reading/commenting on their diary feel compelled to just be nice for comforting reasons..... Haven't cried all day til now and for that I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, cause I have been fighting it all day... I'm alone now for a bit and this was a great tie to be able to let go...

Blessings to you & yours this season!

biscottibody59 on 12/23/2008:
Thanks for your support--it makes all the difference in the world:-) The "usual suspects" like BTC and geevee and a bunch of others you wouldn't remember are long gone from here and I probably should have moved on long ago too. If I'd known I was going to be nostalgic about a stupid website, I probably wouldn't have ever logged on here, but I would probably weigh 400 pounds by now too!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/24/2008:
i hope all is well donkey. i read what biscotti wrote above. but i think its perfectly fine to stay on this site. lots of people need support and that's the point of this website!

thinnside40 on 12/31/2008:
Best of wishes in ringing in the New Year.... Take Care & Keep Safe!

Donkey - Saturday Dec 06, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 127.5

This weigh-in is from a couple of days ago.  I may or may not have lost more since.  I don't know.  I'm having a hard time eating enough again, but some days, I do eat enough to compensate (i.e. I eat a lot more, but no bingeing -- and that's GOOD.)

The only thing time I am happy is when I'm exercising.  It is my only joy in life right now.

Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/06/2008:
exercise should be a joy. i remember those days when i considered it moreso a joy than i do now. i want those days back!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 12/07/2008:

skinnyjeans on 12/07/2008:
Yes, that is great you are enjoying working out! I hope you have a great week. :)

Donkey - Saturday Nov 29, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.0

Do not be fooled by my "Current Weight".  My weigh-in days are on Tuesdays.... but I took a sneak-peek this morning to see how much damage I had done -- with holiday and emotional eating and then TOM on top of everything!  >:-(

And my weight was 132.5.  So essentially, I am maintaining around my "goal weight" of 130. 

HOWEVER, yesterday, I had proof how FAT I have gotten.

I am a Wedding Hostess at my church.  Basically, I'm a wedding coordinator on behalf of the church, to make sure protocol is followed and to answer any questions and to keep the program flowing.  I have a dress that I wear for this function.  It has been loose in the previous 2 weddings I hosted, but yesterday it was tight around the hips and gut (stomach).  Certainly not around the bust area, though, unfortunately.

I have no one to blame for this but myself.  But I was very disappointed, to say the least.  I loved being thinner.  Still, I think that 130 is a healthy weight for myself and my sanity.

I am sadly resolved to living in a larger body than I would like.  Oh well, at least it's functional. I shouldn't complain.  It's just hard to give up a dream and be resigned to reality.

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/29/2008:
I know I gained at least 5 pounds over the last couple of days. And while some of that will go away as soon as the massive food has moved all the way through my system, I am quite sure that I have gained a solid pound at least. The nature of the holidays, why we all get caught up in the fat cycle. I've had enough of food! It just isn't worth it to eat so much. *sigh*

loveray on 11/29/2008:
130 is a perfect weight and you are not FAT! just try to be as compassionate as you can (easier said than done, i know!) because our bodies know when we are being mean to them. love you!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/29/2008:
you are a smooth talker lady. you are doing well and i am proud of you. i feel this entry sounds mature in that you are accepting who you believe you really are. its as hard as anything. i remember you did sound so happy last year at that weight (around 130). so who knows.

as for me, i am in the front lines doing battles with food every minute of every day right now. my once healthy eating has transformed itself over the past 1.5 years into a battleground of gluttony. i have gained about 25 lbs in that time frame. my ankles hurt. and i'm a youthful 26. i need to change my ways. and peanut butter is DEF a trigger for me no doubt! if i were living on my own, i KNOW i'd be at least 25 pounds smaller. there is sooo much temptation here. i may just find myself hanging out at the library for now on. ugh!

grumpy on 11/30/2008:
Well, girl, to be honest I am glad you're sticking to 130. I have seen you tell us you were way less than that and that worries me a little. We have sometimes visions of ourselves that are distorted. I am sure you're doing the best to your body and health and I think when you make peace with it, you will see yourself more objectively and beautiful in your own body.

Funny thing about that: my good friend today told me i look great and asked me if i lose more weight. No, if anything, i gained a few pounds, but I told her I am really happy, and that's why she thought that. I stick with happy before thinner. :) xo

WI3 on 11/30/2008:
And that is a really cool thing to do at the church! If I ever get married again, I'll have to hook up with you! =)

Donkey - Thursday Nov 27, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 129.0

(That was my weight on Tuesday, but I've had a couple of binges since then and now Thanksgiving -- I'm sure next week's weigh-in won't be so pleasant.)


I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving if you are in American and celebrate it.  I wanted to tell you all how thankful I am for the support that I have found here.  I cannot possibly thank you enough for your comments and insights and suggestions.  Thank you and God bless.

Progress as of today: 15 lbs lost so far, only -1 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/27/2008:
happy thanksgiving to you too. lately, even if i REALLY don't feel like going to yoga i go. it has helped me look at my own body in the mirror and not totally freak out...or binge completely. i don't know - last night i was expecting to look HORRIBLE in the mirror as i did yoga but it actually wasn't so bad. do something good for yourself.


skinnyjeans on 11/28/2008:
Thank you for the nice well wishes! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

loveray on 11/28/2008:
thank you for all you are and all you do! xoxo

Donkey - Sunday Nov 23, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

Last time I weighed in, I was at 128.0.  I think that is a good weight for my body.  I weigh-in on Tuesdays.  So that is when I will update my "current weight".

I have been doing much better with eating & exercise.  The anxiety is still there, but I'm not dealing with it with food.  I plan on asking my therapist for a recommendation to a psychiatrist for something for that, just to take as an "as needed" basis.

The depression, though, is another story...  I think I can count the number of "feel good" days on one hand.  I don't want any medication for that though because anti-depressants make you gain a ton of weight.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/23/2008:
Hi there! Yes, I volunteer at the hospital to sit with hospice patients. The program I am involved in is called NODA (No One Dies Alone) and many hospitals have programs like it. I don't believe anyone should die alone either.

I take wellbutrin for my depression. It doesn't cause weight gain. For me, depression causes weight gain. Wellbutrin allows me to curb that depression appetite. I did take paxil, zoloft, and prozac before and those medications stimulated my appetite big time. But wellbutrin doesn't. In fact, it does a lot of good in helping me control my appetite. Wellbutrin is also used as a stop smoking medication (packaged under a different name of course) and it has been shown that people with eating disorders should NOT take wellbutrin because it does help us control those activities if we don't have an ED and if we do have an ED it might help control it too much. If you need to take an antidepressant, ask your doctor about Wellbutrin. One of the biggest signals I have that I need to go back on medicine aside from the sadness, is when I start eating and eating and eating and can't seem to stop. Trying to medicate myself with the sugar surge/caloric surge, in order to keep my mood elevated. Yes, I use food as medication to make myself feel better and it is a physical reaction to my body trying to even out the seretonin. I have a problem with seretonin distribution. And it will regulate and then I can go off the meds for a little while, but then it stops proper distribution and I have to get it regulated again. Eating to make myself feel good in my head is a sure sign that I need to get back on medication for a while.

That being said, Wellbutrin is not a weight loss drug..but for folks like me who have seretonin problems, it helps even us out so that we don't turn to food.

Glad you aren't giving up on yourself! That is very positive news!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/23/2008:
:) due to a copy and paste of my original entry which i deleted, your first comment got deleted! and, worst of all, i didn't get to read it first! only when i went to check my email did i see you had left a comment that i had not read! :( so i have NO CLUE what you wrote before bc i didn't get a chance to read it! :( as of today, i am thinking that i should suck it up and go. so that's what i'll prob do...unless some others aren't going. that's the ONLY way i will not go. i'll find out tomorrow i guess...at school.... :)

i am glad you are not dealing with the depression with food. as you can see from my diary, i'm having major issues...and have had those issues for about 1.5 years now of procrastinating and self-healing with food. but it's getting better. i can feel it...

skinnyjeans on 11/23/2008:
Good to know you are not dealing with your anxiety with food. Excellent! :) Also good to hear you have been doing much better with eating & excercise. Keep up the good work!

biscottibody59 on 11/24/2008:
Not using food to deal with your anxiety is a big ol' positive--I mean I wish we all didn't have the anxiety in the first place--but you're many steps ahead if you can keep it up. I know people who take Klonopin on an as needed basis. One friend goes with the lowest dose daily--sometimes even broken in half (I think) because apparently it can make some people quite sleepy.

Keep up the good work Donkey!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/24/2008:
i feel all of your pain, all of your sorrow. of course it's different pain and sorrow, but i can sympathize. sometimes we think life cannot get any nastier. so what do i do? i look towards others. i see how my life is precious. i find anything. seriously anything. and i choose to be thankful for what i do have.

that's what i do - not necessarily what i think you should or shouldn't do. i am sooooo working to make my life fuller, better, more at ease. and it is a challenge for sure. but if i can do it, well, i KNOW you can.

Donkey - Tuesday Nov 18, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 131.5

I'm still here.  My weight is up, but that's ok.  It's been a very hard month, but I haven't given up on myself.

Progress as of today: 12.5 lbs lost so far, only 1.5 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/19/2008:
never give up!! i am so glad you are still here and writing. hope you continue to take care.

grumpy on 11/19/2008:
good, you can't give up! i wish you could see yourself in the same loving and respectful way you see us. you're way too hard on yourself. i have the same tendencies and that's why i threw that in here. may be insightful or i may be off. in any case, i am happy to hear from you and I have been having my setbacks, but then i try to manage and I am still here. hopefully i will see some weight loss till xmas. xoxo

greengirl on 11/19/2008:
Chin up, Donkey !

Horn_Of_Plenty on 11/20/2008:
never, ever give up.

Donkey - Tuesday Oct 21, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 127.5

All I have to say is that it was a very trying week... But now I have learned that I have to just sit back and let things happen.

Progress as of today: 16.5 lbs lost so far, only -2.5 lbs to go!

selina on 10/21/2008:
Hey, thanks, Donkey. It looks like we both had a tough week. It's hard to go back to healthy living after a week like this one, but we can't afford not to. Anyway, I hope you'll have a better week, too.

You are cat person, too! Inky is a tottally black cat, but she looks grey in the picture. Your silver cat must be gourgeous!

WI3 on 10/21/2008:
And that week is now over and in the past. Fresh week now!

omahagrl on 10/22/2008:
I read in a book recently that "my life is not as bad as my mind thinks it is" I have to step outside myself to see the big picture at times. The one exercise that has been helping is to start realizing when I am becoming negative and think why and how it happened. Come to find out sometimes after I get upset at hubby when I stop and think about it I realize it was nothing to be upset about. I am hoping these moments will help me stop being negative before it starts. Have a wonderful day and again thank you for all your support.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/24/2008:
:) i learn to sit back and let some things happen too. for instance, i do not usually get a perfect hundred on tests...and there isn't a reason to be happy with a grade in the 90s, is there!? :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/24/2008:
haha, i meant a reason not to be happy! lol

WI3 on 11/05/2008:
Peeping in to say hi and that I've been thinking about you. Hope you are well =)

greengirl on 11/07/2008:
Hey Donkey, how are things with you girl ??

Donkey - Tuesday Oct 14, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 124.0

Just weighing in for the week. I'm not all that dissatisfied with the number. Initially it said 123.5 (2x) but the third time it registered at 124.0. And then it said that 2 more times. So that is the number I will go with.

I will continue my plan of not tracking calories (except dinner and protein) for the upcoming week. The peace of mind is ... freeing (is that even a word?) ... and as long as my weight is stable, then I think the trade-off is worth it.

Progress as of today: 20 lbs lost so far, only -6 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/14/2008:
Hey, I will be careful. This one I am doing is not just juice, you also eat fruits, veggies and a little cottage/ww bread. But I will follow it strictly and will stop if I don't feel ok.

As for J, yes, that's the idea. It's actually breaking the circle, because he may not miss me and want to come back, so I can't count on it. Especially now with a new girl around him. Bad timing, I wish I cut him off while there was no one else for him to go out with. Oh well.

I REALLY wish he misses me, It will hurt so much more if he goes off with this girl and move on...

skinnyjeans on 10/14/2008:
My scale changes, too! It's frustrating. Anyway, have a great Tuesday! :)

grumpy on 10/15/2008:
Yea, you know, I ordered the cleanse kit online and found it at my door the morning after a night of crying and deciding to cut him off. I thought that was a sign. Thanks.

biscottibody59 on 10/15/2008:
RYC: No need to apologize Donkey. Thank you for your kind sentiment on my mother's passing.

I hope your plan continues to work for you--you'll probably know pretty quick if you have to go back to counting something. (Freeing is a perfectly good word.)

Have a good one!

WI3 on 10/15/2008:
I think that is great that you are getting confident and comfortable with what you are doing. YAY!

WI3 on 10/20/2008:
Thanks to YOU I have my treadmill back! YAY, Go Donkey! lol I hope you are doing well, and that you've been able to get back on track after the weekend. GOD they are hard! take care!

Donkey - Sunday Oct 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 122.0

I don't know what I weigh. I haven't gotten on the scale since Wednesday, when I weighed 126.5. I probably don't weigh too much less than that now, but that is irrelevant.

I've stopped counting calories for the most part, except for my dinner calories. I've stopped measuring food except for my morning peanut butter (because it's sooo easy for me to go over), my coffee creamer (ditto on the overdo), and my lunch protein (to make sure I get enough protein).

I make sure I drink 3L of water a day. More is fine, less does not meet my goal, but so far, so good.

I am using a common sense approach to food. I know what to eat and what not to eat. Eventually the "what not to eat" will become "what to eat in moderation" but I'm not at that point yet.

I use the feel of my wedding rings to monitor my "progress" or "status". (Not sure what to call it yet.) For example, yesterday I could tell that my weight was higher because the rings were tighter than usual. Sure enough, PMS started last night. And, er, there were some bathroom issues that needed to get resolved, which they were today. But that didn't stop me from enjoying a big bowl of (pre-planned) air-popped popcorn last night.

I have had no urges to binge, although today is Day 5 (binge-free) and that is the longest that I have been able to go binge-free. But I think it will be different this time, because I have not restricted calories so much afterward.

The next step will probably be to work on the exercise issue.

Progress as of today: 22 lbs lost so far, only -8 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/12/2008:
Congrats on making it 5 days!! Keep it up! What type of excercise do you like? I've just been walking lately..it's so easy. :)

MattsGirl16 on 10/12/2008:
You are doing good! Have a wonderful day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/12/2008:
hmm, this entry sounds positve to me. so that's good. haha, pos-wot. i get the POS...but what is WOT? yeah, life can be so fun and at the same time some of us choose to get stuck on the stupid things and become miserable. (me)

WI3 on 10/12/2008:
Very good common sense, Donkey! And congrats on the binge-free streak..keep going!

grumpy on 10/12/2008:
I am like that too, i work on one thing at a time, either exercise or diet first and the other next. seems overwhelming to start all at the same time. Good job for being binge free. Think about me and do my 'whatever" face, dont forget the hands. :)


greengirl on 10/13/2008:
Hey Donkey, I was reading your post and planning a comment when I scrolled down and saw that WI3 Had made the comment for me. So ditto what WorkingIt said above, and stick my name on it :) By the way, we are still having bloody awful weather on our side of the big pond, interspersed with the odd golden sunshine beautiful autumn day. I can 'do' cold and dry, but I'm sick of the damn rain !!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/13/2008:
WOT = waste of time.

just make sure that you are not a waste of time. and i know you don't think that. please girl, if you need to speak out on whats bothering you, feel free.

just so you know, my mom is making my living at home HORRIBLE! on purpose. i KNOW that in the back of her head, she wants me to leave. she would do that. my dad, he's ok with the current living arrangements. hmmm. i'll have to deal with her these next two years...then i'm out!

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