Day 44: I was so depressed I had to have a cup of coffee after dinner. Sometimes coffee helps pick up my mood. So does writing here. Hopefully, when I am done with my cup of java and my entry for today, i will be feeling better.
I am so discouraged. I've had to work hard at my body image issues and food issues and exercise issues. And for the most part, I've pulled myself out of the downward spiral that thoughts like that lead to. But every once in a while, it really hits me HARD that no matter HOW HARD I try at this losing weight, that I will never be the tiny, slender, lithe person I want to be. I want to have a totally different bone and muscle structure from the neck down. My shoulders are too wide, my hips are too wide, my legs are too thick, my arms are thick too. My thighs are full, from the knee up. I have 2 fat deposits on my upper hip. This is genetic, because my daughter was born with fat on her hips too.
Oh how I wish I could have slender, lean legs, with space in between them when I have my feet together. Even at my lowest adult weight of 113, my thighs were full and they touched. Hate, hate, hate it!!!!
Progress as of today: 7 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!
Day 43: I took a look at my food log for this past week. I see that I generally average 50g of fiber a day. It is rare for me to be under 50g. I do reach 70g on occassion, but then, those are the days when I eat more. So there's a trade-off there.
On my average 50g fiber day, I usually start off my day with high fiber cereal (All-Bran or Fiber One), one cup, with a cup of soy milk. Right there is 20-28g of fiber, in my breakfast alone.
For lunch I will have a vegetable wrap made with a high fiber tortilla from La Tortilla Factory. Those average 12-14g of fiber. My wraps usually have eggplant (more fiber) and or lots of lettuce. If I have eggplant in the wrap, then I will have a salad and a piece of fruit on the side.
My snacks consist of fruit (now that it is very hot here) or cold leftover vegetables from the night before. If I'm lucky enough to have a Fiber One Oats & Chocolate bar in the house, I will have that. I usually have a cup of coffee in the afternoon too, to help pick me up.
For dinner, I will have a serving of protein (meat, unfortunately) and then 2 side dishes of vegetables, or a vegetable and a salad, or a vegetable and a fruit.
Sometimes for my evening snack, I will have a serving of high fiber cereal with some yogurt. Or just dry. Sometimes I also splurge on some sherbert, which is not low calorie and very dangerous to overindulge.
Progress as of today: 7 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!
i love high fiber breads/tortillas. Have you ever had the brand Morton's? they cell these rolls that are made of whole wheat and potato. only 80 calories, 4 grams fiber. its a good deal for a roll. they taste great and are chewy...and a bit more satisfying than bread.
Day 42: Ugh, up one pound. I'm not sure why. I've been eating less and thought I was active enough, even though 2 of my workouts were shortened because I didn't get up early enough to make it to the gym. I guess not. Well, it's very hot and humid here so perhaps I'm retaining water.
Today was the girls' softball All-Star game. It was enjoyable. It was the first time that I didn't feel totally railroaded by my fellow male coaches. Maybe it was because it didn't count. Or maybe it was because we were so bad. (We seemed to get all the weaker players from the other teams. My daughter's team was awesome, thankfully.)
My Husband was so nice today. Even though he is very tired, he came home after work and took my bike to the bike shop to get the chain fixed. So now I can take evening bike rides with my daughter. (I would take them with my son or husband, but my son doesn't know how to ride a bike and Husband doesn't exercise.)
Next Saturday at this time, I will be driving to my dysfunctional family reunion dinner thing. At least it is at a seafood restaurant so hopefully we can dine healthy. For tonight, I made a huge green salad, sauted zucchini and summer squash w/garlic (and olive oil), and then we will just have leftover pork chops and chicken breasts. Nice and light for such a hot day. Fresh fruit for dessert.
Progress as of today: 7 lbs lost so far, only 12 lbs to go!
I LOVE the zucchini/squash addition to a meal..so tasty!
Day 40: Today was pretty good exercise-wise. I had 50 minutes on the elliptical. I tried something different. I usually go slow with a high resistance. Today I went faster and a slightly lower resistance. I think it was harder than going slow!
Then I came home and ran for 20 minutes with dd (she rode her bike). I just returned home from coaching girls' softball. We lost, but I'm almost happy about it. I am so disgusted with the male coaches on our team. They go around like they are so great, so when the girls fall flat, I'll be darned if I'll be the one to pick the team up. They're so great, let THEM do it. Well, I apologize to you for my poor "team spirit" but I am *tired* of being the token woman, the potted plant of the coaches. I swear, a mushroom could do what they give me to do.
So all I have to get through is the stupid All-Star game on Saturday morning (thank GOD it's early so we can get it done and over with), and then the last game on Wednesday. Then I can purge myself of this "bad karma".
I hope to have an official weigh-in very soon.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
Day 39: My unofficial weigh in is 137.5. I'll be contrite and chalk it up to TOM. I don't think that's what's really behind it, but I'm so down today, I need the excuse because otherwise I will feel so horrible about myself and my lack of whatever it is that I need to reach my goal.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
Day 38: Today we are going to the pool! Finally got our pool passes. Then we had a nice lunch at Culver's with the kids, as they had coupons for free kids' meals. I opted for a turkey sandwich and did not eat my fries, except for maybe 4 of them. I finished the very last of my son's vanilla custard cone.
I did not wake up early today so I only did an hour on the elliptical. I really want to start running again. I need to figure out a time to do that where it's not so beastly hot outside AND not stuffed from the previous meal. AND that I can do with the kids occupied. I realized this morning that I am *wasting* these beautiful summer mornings where I could running outside or at least at the gym so that I could run afterwards when I got home.
I'm wasting my time! And last night I realized that I'm wasting your time as well, readers and friends. For some reason, I just cannot get myself to stay focused on my goals. I'm sorry, I apologize for that.
UPDATE: I found out on www.calorieking.com that my supposive "healthy" choice of turkey sandwich at Culver's had 480+ calories in it. Heck I could have had a hamburger for that amount of calories! I really should have planned ahead and searched for healthy choices. Even though it's hot outside, I should have gotten soup. But I wanted to order something that my son would eat should he be unsatisfied with his kids' meal portion. Can't make everyone happy, so Donkey loses in the end.
Better choices next time... It really does pay to plan ahead at these things. Damn...
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
Day 37 continued...
I already wrote an entry for today, but I received such good news that I felt it deserved an entry of its own.
We finally sold our old house! Seriously, I thought it would take over a year to sell, and today the people who came to look at it on Saturday put in an offer, and a good offer at that. I had nightmares that we'd be getting these horribly low offers if we got any offers at all! But we are happy with the offer and hopefully by the end of August, as the kids head back to school, we will be done with that chapter in our lives.
And we don't have to worry about upkeep on the old house any more either. It's not an old house (only 12 yrs old) but we don't live there any more. I was worried about having to winterize the plumbing and the snow removal next winter, etc. No more long road trips either (45 minutes but a PITA to get there).
What a huge relief this is!!!
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
Day 37: An interesting day to say the least.
Donkey failed to wake up early enough to get in her full workout at the gym, but rather than give up, I decided to just go and see what I could do. I only managed 30 minutes (35 in total) on the elliptical crosstrainer, but I got a lot out of those 30 minutes. I did more in 30 minutes than I usually do half way through a 60 minute workout. I think when I do the longer workouts, I pace myself differently. Since I didn't have so long to go, I could afford to work a little harder in a shorter period of time.
This is actually enlightening, because I will do this to fight boredom or to bust through a plateau.
Then I proceeded to do lower body weight training. Yes, the Cardio Queen actually opted for weight training over more cardio. I thought it was better to keep up with the weight training.
Eating went reasonably well until I had some (ok a lot) of popcorn with butter on it. I did not weigh in this morning. I am toying with the idea of not weighing in any more, for a while. In a way, that could really backfire, but on the other hand, I know what it takes to lose weight. I certainly don't reach my goal by having buttered popcorn or dishes of sherbert after dinner, do I? NO!
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
Day 36: Failed miserably yesterday. Well, not miserably but had 2 Crunch bars after dinner, and that put me way over on calories. Not good.
I found out that we may not be having this stupid dysfunctional family reunion on Day 50 because my grandfather broke his pelvis. He's very old. I don't know if he'll feel up to it. Right now he's walking around with a walker but he's going to see the orthopedic guy this week, so we shall see.
I am only too eager to quit counting. Although I have not made as much progress as I could have or would have liked, I did manage to get back into the 130s and feel good and comfortable about it.
I'm not sure how productive (active) I will be today. I don't have a plan, and as the saying goes, "If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail." So I'm sure today will not be so great either. And it's not even 10a yet. Great, something to look forward to...
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
I am so sorry to hear about your Grandpa, I hope everything goes well for him.
As for you, don't you give up or get glum on us!!! We all have an off day, but don't let that get you down. Sometimes we really need that break and then we get going again and find out that break was what we needed to push to that next goal!!! ~hugs!~
Day 35: Probably not a good idea to drink a beer before logging on to Diet Diaries but I was so disgusted with the girls' softball coaches after the game that I felt it best in everyone's interest if I had something that would take the edge off of my mood. Of course, now I'm ready for a nap...
Funny thing is that before the game, I could feel the anxiety starting to build and I really had to try hard not to eat out of anxiety. Of course I did a little bit, but it was a real battle. And then after the game, I wanted to come home and eat for comfort. Hence the beer. I had some broccoli. I never realized that broccoli has that many calories in it. Oof!
Praise God that I have only 2 more days left of this softball insanity (Thursday and then the 20th of June). And then I hope to God that I never ever see any of these men ever again.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 11 lbs to go!
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donkey, we all have moments when we THINK we hate ourselves, or our bodies. currently, as you've read in my journal, i've been doing all sort of things to improve my appearance. just remember, we can't change who we are. but, we can improve ourselves, our appearances. it is important not to get too wrapped up in emotions of negativity or the feeling that there is nothing about ourselves that we like!
i am so surprised that nobody on the site told me NOT to take it....or that i'm not overweight...so i shouldn't take the Alli. i guess we are all adults and make choices. so far, i've had no negative side effects because i'm serisouly making sure that i don't go over the fat grams at each meal. of course, the meal must have fat or the pill doesn't work. i think i've had a bit more gas than usual...haha, but that's it. they say the body gets used to it after a couple weeks.
oh, and yes, if i take the pill, which you do before starting to eat, i know i CANNOT binge! so, it will definitely help with that. (except if i'm snacking, then i'll have to take some individual control when alli is not involved!).
goodnight, feel better, you'll get through it! afterall, you've been doing well...just minor recent setbacks. put those things aside!
biscottibody59 on 06/19/2007:
I know you don't want to hear it, but in the grand scheme I think you're doing well. You seem to have a knack to get yourself back in line when you stray from your goals. Keep doing that, try to keep it a little more positive and you'll get there!
Hope you have a good one! (Coffee is a great pick-me-up--hope it worked!)
borntocry on 06/19/2007:
I have those pockets of fat on my hips too - actually just on my left hip, crazily enough. You may think you will never be happy with the way you look but that's not true. At some point you will realise that you look as good as you possibly could, and at that point you'll be happy even if you don't have the "perfect" figure. Obsessing about the unattainable is what's keeping you from what you actually can attain.
greengirl on 06/19/2007:
We all need a pick-me-up now and then and coffee is as good as anything else. I would imagine most of us see our faults like you do. I've only just stopped avoiding looking in a mirror at all. I have refused to look in a full length mirror for the last 15 years. if your hips and shouldersare wide, you are probably naturally big-boned and theres not a lot you can do about that. I agree with Biscotti in that I thik you are doing well, especially recently. chin up, Donkey and make the best of what you can do!!!
Justine6Robert3 on 06/20/2007:
Hey Donkey, sounds like your having a bad day. We all definetly have days that we feel frustrated and don't like ourselves. I really do think you've been doing a great job of sticking with it and that your just feeling frustrated right now. I was reading back through some of your diaries and for the most part you seem to be eating really healthy and sticking with your exercises! I think you are amazing at keeping yourself on track and sticking with it. You always seem to be able to get yourself motivated and back on track when you feel yourself slipping. You can work through these negative feelings and turn it around, your really doing fantastic, stick with it Donkey!!!!