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Donkey - Saturday Jul 26, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 118.0

Last night, I think I had a full blown panic attack. I was with dh at the kids' belt testing for TKD. Because there's a parade today, ALL the belts tested last night, instead of having the higher belts test on Saturday morning, so there were twice the number of people testing. It was hot (even though the AC was on & they had fans running), it was crowded, it was long, it was boring. (Oh Lord was it BORING.)

It started innocently enough. I started to feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I wasn't hyperventilating. Just every 2 minutes or so, I had to take a very deep breath because I felt smothered. Then this "wave" - that is the only way I can describe what it felt like - of panic and sadness and grief just came over me. I couldn't stop crying. Fortunately, I am a quiet crier, so I just put my head in my husband's shoulder and sobbed quietly. We left the building, and I sat out in the car to listen to some music (which helps take my mind off of thoughts), and then I sat outside the building, by the large glass windows so that I could see the kids finishing up their belt testing. I drove the family home. I felt much better.

I realized in the car, though, that I cannot be falling apart like this. I am stronger than this. Why am I letting people beat me down (figuratively speaking)? I can overcome this adversity. But I can't do it if I'm falling apart! I can't think clearly if I'm overcome with anxiety.


On Thursday, my husband made an appointment for me to talk to someone. I know I can work this out; I've had anxiety problems before that I resolved -- quite readily, in fact. 3 months of talk therapy and some cognitive rethinking and I was back on my feet. I think that what I need is a "refresher course" and just am objective voice to help keep me grounded.

Don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of reasons to be anxious. I'm kind of a worrier anyway (mothers worry about everything), plus with all this c**p that's happening lately, my reaction should not be surprising. But I can't allow that to overtake what is good within me. Could this be a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing? Hmm... The Good (what I know in my heart) must remain strong and intact or the Evil (fear, anxiety) will overtake me. But enough of this literary references. This is real life, not some book with a happy ending.

My weight is up 2.5lb today. Great. I have no idea why; I did everything right yesterday. I'm just going to chalk it up to fluctuation and not panic. It's rather humid here in the midwest, so maybe it's water retention. Did I have salty foods last night? Hmm... maybe I did, I can't remember...

The thing is not to panic. ;-)

Progress as of today: 26 lbs lost so far, only -12 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2008:
hey donkey! you sound a little better today. you see, nobody can ALWAYS be strong and calm because we all have emotions. it is OK to talk about emotions, maybe just with your husband at first. but yes, you should let them out because if you don't you'll just have another anxiety attack, right? don't think you need to be PERFECT for your kids or anyone else. people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are. i do that too, by the way. i am always thinking about what negative things people must say about me.

as for the weight, you know it fluctuates. i know it's hard to accept though. my weight went for a major fluctuation this week in a majorly wrong direction too! smartly, i didn't let it affect my negative thinking so much this time. :)

jon'smom on 07/26/2008:
Great to see you here Donkey. Like you, I am a constant worrier(I had my first ulcer when I was in the third grade!) And when I have nothing to be worried about, I become worried. Things became worse when I became a mom. But now things are becoming better and I believe things will work out for you too. I can tell you are a STRONG person. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you just how strong you really are. Now if I could just get a grip on this perfectionist(?) thing LOL

thinnside40 on 07/26/2008:
Correct!.... I went through things similar before and had to "deal" with them as they overcame me or were going to if I didn't "talk my way down"...Feels as though sometimes I am having a heart-attack..In fact have went to the hospital in the past thinking I was....But now, I know my heart is fine (been tested) and I have to "settle" feelings the best I can at the time.....Sounds like you have a support in your husband and for that I am so thankful for you, cause many women do not.....I do too......Can't explain "why" sometimes it comes on either....Just to have someone hold, understand,not try to "fix you" & not prying makes big difference.....

Good Weekend to you!

Beth201P on 07/26/2008:
I am so sorry you are having those attacks. Not fun at all. I with you on the weight being up. What did we do wrong, plus I have a stomach bug and that usually helps with the weight loss. LOL Well I hope your weekend is much much better. ((Hugs))

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/26/2008:
hola donk donk! i hope you are feeling better now. have a good evening and i'll check on you on your next post! :)

WI3 on 07/27/2008:
I am glad you are going to talk to someone and that you understand what is going on with you. That is more than half the battle =)

Wishing you a good day!

Donkey - Thursday Jul 24, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.5

The anxiety is just overwhelming. I can't even begin to describe it, except to say that it sucks when you continually feel like you are having your breath knocked out of you. And that you are constantly "on edge", ready to fly off. There isn't a single day that doesn't go by where I think about parking my car on the railroad tracks and waiting for the train to come by.

(((Of course, I would NEVER EVER act on this, for my children's sake. I know what it's like to grow up with an absent parent, and I would not wish that pain on ANYONE much less my own children, whom I love desperately.)))

Diet and exercise: Diet is mostly fruits & vegetables, some protein, very few breads (and those that I have are high fiber). Exercise is the only thing that dulls the pain and makes me feel alive -- whole. I know I'm ok when I'm in motion. Running 3x a week and the elliptical 5x a week. It's my little safe corner in the world.

Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!

grumpy on 07/24/2008:
Hey sweetie, your weight is very low now, i am a little worried. Are you getting help? Do you see a doctor or have your family support, etc? Let us know if we can help. Ever tried yoga or some other lower impact workouts that would help clear your head as well?


TOmama on 07/24/2008:
Grumpy's suggestion is a good one, yoga/meditation would be great for you, very calming. *hugs*

omahagrl on 07/24/2008:
I hope that you are reaching out to others that may help you. Even just saying that you have no hope is a red flag that you may need some outside assistance or maybe it is a symptom of something that you cannot control. I would go to a doctor or even reached out to a family member about your feelings.

thinnside40 on 07/24/2008:
Donkey ~ What pain ?....Why Anxiety ?.... I'm no specialist, but to let out some of why you are feeling what you are may be help some.....Not to get comment, but to "get it out"........I have often wondered when I get to goal if I will keep going, cause have always wanted to be "thin" and afraid that I may go overboard when I see the results.... To go extreme on the opposite side of the spectrum, where I have always been overboard on the + side... I can feel it when I walk that I want to go more to have faster results, but realize to keep the momentum I am now is the healthiest & realistic for the rest of my life. Whereas to eat less, exercise more and have it gone quicker isn't realistic behavior long term.....

Please don't take the burden of risking your health for the benefit of numbing yourself to life...... Either way as it is now, you are slowly taking yourself away from your kids by continuing to ignore there is a problem that needs to be addressed.....Best seek professional help of some sort before you aren't around due to withering away....

Best of luck Donkey!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/24/2008:
donkey, what's going on??? why are you so upset? this is soooo NOT like you! speak up and tell us so that we can help! :(

i speak for everyone when i say we only want the best for you.

Beth201P on 07/24/2008:
Oh...Please look at going to someone to help you. You have to really take care of yourself for your children's sake. I agree with everyone. Please get help! ((Hugs my friend)) I will keep you in my prayers!!!

WI3 on 07/25/2008:
Hey Donkey!!!! Let me say, I know how you feel 150%. Maybe not your exact set of circumstances, but I do know how you feel. I've been driving along the road and just think for a second that I'd like to drive into the cement wall of the underpass..or whatever. Your feelings are very real, and on the same hand..treatable. And, NOTHING to be ashamed of. In addition, you have lots of company who share those same feelings. The only reason I shared everything in my diary that I shared, was to reach out and let everyone else know that if they are depressed, or struggle(ing) with depression, that they aren't alone. And then moody posted her story, Thin posted hers, and others posted theirs, and everyone knows someone with depression and struggling with thoughts of suicide. I went for years the same way...just destroyed on the inside but perfect polly on the outside. When I finally had my nervous breakdown, and was hospitalized, I finally got started on medication..and while the problems and issues were still there...my GOD it was so much clearer and easier to deal with them. It was like a huge, heavy, cement blanket had been lifted off my mind, heart, and back. The only thing that I wished I had done, was not wait until I had the nervous breakdown to get help. It was still a struggle after that, convincing the family that what I have is a very real sickness, but nothing that they did, or anything I did. Some of us are just prone to depression because of the way our chemical makeup handles serotonin and dopamine. It isn't that we aren't "strong enough" to handle life..it is that we don't have the right mix of chemicals in order TO handle life. If someone is going through a singular depression, it doesn't mean that they still aren't deprived of serotonin or dopamine..at that moment, they very well could be, and a little medicinal therapy may help. Counseling also helps take away some of that heavy load and helps us be able to think clearer.

While I cannot speak to what you, personally, are going through or what you need in order to help yourself..I just wanted to say how cool it is that you are sharing this with us, and that you are not alone at all.

Hang in there, Donkey. You are good people!

Wi3 on 07/25/2008:
Hey there, Donkey. Just wanted to stop by and say hi and apologize if I came across as preachy or like I know what is going on with you, because I know I don't. I just don't want you to hurt. I can feel THAT part crystal clear and I know how bad it sucks. Just wanted to let you know that you were on my mind today.

grumpy on 07/25/2008:
Hey, just came in to check on you. Hope your days are always better than the ones before. xo.

Donkey - Tuesday Jul 22, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 119.5

With all these people changing their names here on DD, I have no idea who anyone is any more...

Progress as of today: 24.5 lbs lost so far, only -10.5 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/22/2008:
HAHA! that's your entry! i thought i had missed something "earth shattering" only to find you write a statement about other DDers! when are you gonna chat about you!? huh?

loveray on 07/22/2008:
holy moley! 119, you go girl!

grumpy on 07/22/2008:
Wow, look at your weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats. Tell us about it. Also, look at the forums, we posted our new names. xoxo

Donkey - Monday Jul 14, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 116.5

Time to cut the crap and face the music.

Progress as of today: 27.5 lbs lost so far, only -13.5 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 07/14/2008:
???? You talkin to us or you went too far ???? 116.5 ? Whew! When did that happen? You have a pretty good buffer range in 13.5 below goal.... Are you feeling o.k.?

Take care & be healthy donkey!

mmuraro on 07/14/2008:
hey, good to see you back. i like what you wrote too, it's exactly what i have been thinking to myself and why i wrote my new entry. i hope you're doing okay, let us know more. xo

Beth201P on 07/14/2008:
I know what you mean.... Have a good night.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/14/2008:
i agree (about me!)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/14/2008:
oh...welcome back!

Jen40 on 07/15/2008:
Welcome back!!!

WI3 on 07/15/2008:
hey hey welcome back!

sweetpea1977 on 07/15/2008:
Welcome back Donkey! You sound like me from 3 weeks ago!

What is your plan of attack? I cant wait to find out. :o)

WI3 on 07/18/2008:
Just stopping by to say hello and I hope all is well with you. Thanks for the advice on the treadmill repairs...I am almost done with them and I'll be back in business. =)

Donkey - Friday Mar 28, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.0

I have not continued to do well. That is, the past 2 days were not very good at all. I dread going back to work. But I will be fine once I get there. Over Spring Break, I have had the opportunity to talk about my job to several people who did not know what I was doing. It really helped to get it off my chest, some of my anxieties and doubts, as well as some of the positive things that I like about the job.

Job job job -- it's just a JOB! It's not like it's my LIFE! So enough about the job already :-)

I realize that this current round of weight struggles started once I decided to come off of maintenance range (128lb - 132lbs) and try to lose more weight. I think that, yes, perhaps my body and mind is more content at a higher weight (yuck), say 130-135. This angers me, but it's something that I should probably learn to accept.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 03/28/2008:
Have a great weekend!..... One of these days you will feel better about EVERYTHING and maybe then you can get started back on track and try again..At your weight (boy, I think the last time I saw that I was 12), you are probably not really all that bad off are you, for a while at least?

crategrl on 03/28/2008:
One thing you should be proud of is that you catch yourself and get into action. My fustration is that 5 years ago I was at 158lbs and so darn happy with the weight I lost. When I hit 165 I should have gone into weight loss mode. Instead i kept letting it go and here I am over 200lbs. I think it awesome that you are determined to get back to your comfortable weight!!

Beth201P on 03/28/2008:
Have a wonderful weekend. Hang in there and you will find the best weight that works for you. I can't wait until I reach that 135 pound mark. ((Hugs))

mylifechanges on 03/28/2008:
aww hang in there donkey...remember to take it a day at a time. you can do it! :)

mmuraro on 03/29/2008:
Mark Twain said: it's only work if i would rather be doing something else. :) So we gotta work to do something else and what matters is life. Me and a good friend always say to each other: "I'll call you at the best time of the day" which is 6 when he leave work. hehe.

Focus on yourself, your health and work is work. It sucks by definition. :) xo.

shadetree on 04/19/2008:
Thinking of you!

biscottibody59 on 05/05/2008:
RYC: Not sure which comment of mine prompted that--probably all of 'em lately!

Hope you find some time to update one of these days! Something!

Hang in there Donkey friend! (See ya' later?)

greengirl on 05/09/2008:
Hey Donkey, Ive bit the bullet and come back !! It would be good to have your company, chuck !!

sweetpea1977 on 05/20/2008:
Hey Donkey,

Thanks for the Mommy and Me suggestion. I will look into it, since Im looking for additional mommy friends as well as an effective way to become healthier. My only concern is cost of these classes - our finances are a little tight due to living on a single income.

I hope you are doing well!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/03/2008:
hi donkey! i keep meaning to leave you a message to say thanks for all of your recent comments on my journal. i think its great that you are still checking in with us. when you get the time, i cannot wait to start reading your entries again! :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/17/2008:
thank you for your suggestion today. for some reason, it really helped me not binge further. also, i loved your suggestion on girly pushups! I now do a little at usually everyday. you know, at the very beginning when you first reccommended them, i could not do 3 sets of 15!!! you are in great shape! now, luckily, i have built myself up a little and can make it through. i loved the push up suggestion...and all of your suggestions.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/29/2008:
so are you done with your job for the summer since school is out???

haha, i am still doing pushups thanks to you. and yes, i've eaten hords of fiber one bars in the past too! I am very good at finishing boxes of granola bars.

Donkey - Wednesday Mar 26, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.0

I have not posted in a while. My weight was WAY out of control during the week of Easter, climaxing at 138.5 on Monday. I think between the stress at work and the stress at home, I just wanted to eat until I felt nothing at all.

I am happy to say that I feel that I am getting back on track. Already the numbers are heading back down to maintenance range (128-132). I am at 135 right now. I can feel the extra bloating on my body, but I actually feel better mentally and physically weighing a little more.

Is that possible? Is it possible to feel heavier and yet feel good about it? Or am I just in so deep of a state of denial that all hope is lost? (well, not "lost" but "out to sea")

This week, I am off of work, Husband is on vacation and the kids are off of school. We are spending the time just relaxing at home, doing fun stuff and other necessities around town. I told my Daughter (7) that even though we did not do anything fancy or go anywhere for the vacation, that this is so nice just to be together as a family without the daily stress of work and work. And work.

Did I mention that I've come to the realization that my new job is really stressing me out? I definitely need to work on relaxing about that. I'm at the point now where if I don't pass probation (90 working days), that would be ok with me. I will apologize for not being up to their standards and thank them so much for the learning experience and the opportunity to try, even though I was unsuccessful. I will also thank them for the opportunity to meet so many nice people and be a part of the "family" for the time that I was employed. I will smile and hold my head high as I walk out of that office.

Of course I will miss the nice paycheck and the people that I've befriended. But hey, life goes on, and I'm a survivor. I'll be ok.

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 03/26/2008:
Glad to see your post today...and that you are back on track....

Have a wonderful time with your family...

crategrl on 03/27/2008:
Sounds like you are adjusting your attitude about the importance of a stressful job. Keep up the great attitude and you will do just fine!

shadetree on 03/28/2008:
Maybe your body just likes to be 135 better than 130? What's wrong with 135 - that's 10 pounds under my goal...(I know, you are not me...)

Enjoy your week off with the family!

Donkey - Saturday Mar 15, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 132.0

Isn't it a shame that the weight doesn't come off as easily as we can put it on? Still, I am definitely feeling more motivated to stay on track. My sinus infection is improving as well. Still there, but every day is a little better.

Progress as of today: 12 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 03/15/2008:
Often said..how easy it would be if it worked reversed...I guess it is suppose to be a lesson to learn. To not gain it back after ALL the hard work/effort, so you don't have to do it all over again...TAKES FOREVER!!!!!

Have a great weekend!

Beth201P on 03/15/2008:
I wish it would come off that easy also. LOL Hope your sinus infection is better real soon. I know those hurt. Have a good weekend.

mmuraro on 03/15/2008:
If the weight came off just as quickly, we wouldn't have enough time to learn how to eat healthy and what works for us to use for good during the weight loss process. :)

I still can see another half a pound gone there! You're doing great. If I was your weight now, I would be 18 pounds UNDER my goal. Hahaha. Enjoy, I am sure you look and feel fantastic!

uni4sept2008 on 03/15/2008:
Feel lots better! sinus infections, especially with this seasons quick weather change is never good!

greengirl on 03/15/2008:
Sinus infection ! Yukk!!!!

I tell you Donkey, it was scary how quickly and how much weight I put back on in just a few weeks of weakness. Thank goodness I finally pulled up and started back on the straight and narrow. It will take me until the summer just to get back to where I was last summer. You stay strong before you do the same thing (you always were the strong one amongst us!!!). Take care :)

Donkey - Friday Mar 14, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 132.5

Survived another week! And the bingeing weight seems to be coming off slowly.

On Thursday I did not go to the gym after all. I did some extra driving to check out a route I would be driving later on in the afternoon (good thing too, because there was a tricky turn/curve that I spotted ahead of time). Then I came home to find that my kids forgot their snack (dd) and lunch (ds), so I drove over to the schools to deliver said food.

So it wasn't in the cards yesterday. Today I did go workout, and took it nice and easy for 65 minutes on the elliptical. However, I regretted my decision afterwards. I realized I should have come home and rested. I still have this awful sinus infection. Get this -- I cleared up at the gym and at work but the minute I come home, I start to clog up again. I wonder if the dander from the cats is causing my sinuses to go into overdrive. Hmm...

But I digress. I'm glad that my weight is back into maintenance range (127-133 is my official range). The weather seems to be improving here and there too which is wonderful for the morale.

My goal for the next week is to try to have "fun" at the job, not to get so stressed out or take things too personally over there. If they are going to fire me, that's their problem not mine. In the meantime, I will try to do the best that I can do. Otherwise, stress eating will be my demise.

Progress as of today: 11.5 lbs lost so far, only 2.5 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 03/14/2008:
Every time I walk with my friend, she uses about a whole pocket packet of tissues...She cannot get her sinuses to clear up that good any other time..She has suffered way less often headaches as well....

Do'nt let the stress mess with your eating healthy and staying in your "range"... Sunshine does the soul/mind wonders does'nt it?....


shadetree on 03/14/2008:
Yay! maintenance range! Whole new attitude! have a great weekend!

Donkey - Thursday Mar 13, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 133.0

Thankfully the weight is coming back down.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments. You are right, no job is worth sacrificing my health for. That really helps put things into perspective for me.

It was very hard not to binge last night but I have to make the decision if I want the food more than I want to lose the weight. Last night, the "lose the weight" won.

I am very tired. I only get 7 hours of sleep, and I am still falling asleep around 8p or so. I am debating whether to go workout during my break or come home and sleep for 2 hours.

Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!

mskitty on 03/13/2008:
Wow! I have not had the time to really read other posts of late due to all the stress I was under.... And I guess I am not the only one here. Yeah I'll admit I am have fallen off that wagon! But I believe we can get through this. Thats not the only job out there. There are plenty more where that one came from. Maybe it wont make as much money or what not but... You can always take on 2 part time jobs that you love... Something fun creative and adventuress. I am looking for work at the moment too... and I am waiting for word from a publishing and printing office to get ahold of me... I have to decide to hold out for that one or take this other job thats at a Lumber store... not very glamerouse for sure...and I really don't want it. SIgh and my mother is driving me nutts and my wedding plans are falling through I have not Exercised in 2 weeks...I am going batty .... So I am right off of the wagon there with ya.... and I think we can help each other up again. Hang in there....

Beth201P on 03/13/2008:
Hey that is what we all are here for, to help each other make it to our goals. Sometimes, you need to get the rest more than the exercise. Your body needs them both. I am just starting to learn to listen to what my body is telling me. Have great day.

shadetree on 03/13/2008:
Yay! It's the mini-battles that we win that help get the momentum back. One day at a time, Donkey!

Donkey - Wednesday Mar 12, 2008
(Calorie Counting & Exercise)
Weight: 135.0

I have been struggling with eating very badly lately. I cannot seem to get back on track. Now I am starting to get sick, on top of being too stressed and too tired. I am re-evaluating my priorities.

I got a job so that I would be out of the house and away from food. Yet the stress from the job is defeating that very purpose. So something needs to change and for the better!

Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

rlovell on 03/12/2008:
HI!!! buck up! you can do it! xo

crategrl on 03/12/2008:
Don't let a job stress you to the point that it affects your health. If need be find a new job as life is too short!

Beth201P on 03/12/2008:
I agree with categrl.....no job is worth your health. Hang in there and take care of you before your job. Hugs

thinnsidenotout on 03/12/2008:
Here is something that was in an entry from a few days back....

An exerpt from a Greg Landry Writing: �Have you noticed that just about every week is a "rough week????" By that I mean that things just don't happen exactly as you'd like them to. A variety of circumstances affect your schedule and your available time."

"With that in mind, if you're going to exercise on a regular basis, exercise has to be high enough on your priority list to survive the "rough weeks." For example, during "rough weeks" do you eat, sleep, and brush your teeth every day? Of course you do, because they are priorities in your life. If exercise is important enough to you then put it high on your priority list. Make your exercise "rough week" proof."

I do'nt give this to you as a "preaching at you".... It is just that there are ALWAYS going to be things in our life that are going to "mess" things up, but we have to prioritize the important things to us (should be our health) and get through our "growing pains"... You have every right to be discouraged/mad/P.O'd/Etc.... but turn that energy to be a positive one... :}

I sure hope you can get through this rough patch and start to feel better about your circumstances..... :)

greengirl on 03/12/2008:
Do whatever you have to do to keep well, Donkey. It's not worth making yourself ill for. Take care, my friend :)

shadetree on 03/12/2008:
If you don't NEED the job, maybe you need to find something else. I hate to see people making themselves sick all because of stress...when they don't need to be stressed. If you really took this job to get out of the house and be a little healthier, I think you see the contradiction here...

Hope you figure out what you need to do - whatever that may be! Have a peaceful evening!

mmuraro on 03/12/2008:
Take a good care of yourself and you'll get back on track. You're so close to your goal! :)

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