Here's a photo of my family from the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Me at the wedding. And the bridesmaids at the wedding. These are the most flattering shots I have of myself. Happy. Happiest for my sister and parents I would have to say.
It was a fabulous night. whew.
I couldn't sleep this morning late at the hotel, I was up before 7am & already posting photos of the rehearsal dinner and wedding on facebook while laying in bed still in the hotel room this AM. So, afterwards, I decided to get my butt OUT OF BED and leave the hotel ASAP so I wouldn't have to see anyone & could just come home, bring all my stuff up to my apartment, do laundry....and chill. ON THE COUCH. finally chilling. It's noon. Laundry has been done, my appetite is def more back...and I am tired and VERY happy to be home right now. I'm deciding NOW not to leave the apartment at all again today. I did do a very LIGHT food shopping for mostly fruit and some veggies and yogurts and seltzer. Not a real good food shopping and I have eaten most of the veggies already. But despite that, I have enough to last to tomorrow and after work tomorrow, i'll pick up some extra takout veggies and stuff to get me thru the week. it's a short week as I'm really going to Atlantic City for the day / night on Friday coming up. So, just wanna rest and do minimal stuff outside of working right now. I'm pretty pooped!
it was a great night. and now, just laying very low for the rest of the day / night. I don't see myself doing ANY MORE WORK IN THIS APARTMENT AT ALL for today. It's really only still 12:12pm. But I really am a bit tired, legs a little sore, appetite is really strong. but, my body is really craving rest. I don't want to sleep though. I want to read my book.
sorry for being weird. I'm happy to be alone. by myself right now.
really a bit hungover I think with a very heavy head and little bit dizzy. Just happy to be home. and relaxing. Laundry and small food shopping and everything done. Just chilling....
I did weigh myself before eating everything and it said 111.8 :) Cool. But it is slightly because I was eating LESS VOLUME the past few days (less vegetables to weigh me down in my stomach / digestive system).
Energy drink 40
9:30am-12:30pm Bacon jerky and regular beef jerky at most total around 400 Popcorn 160 Grilled asparagus that I took home and kept in hotel fridge that I then took back to my apt 200? More veggie leftover dishes that I had in my fridge from last week 250-300 Sautéed but mostly steamed spinach 150 Mousse yogurt Greek style light and fit 80 Just tired but eating and not sleeping right now... Around 1350. Must stop. Been eating straight since around 9:30am till 12:30 on and off as I did laundry but mostly after....ugh tired. I may end up falling asleep.
Snack: banana 120, chips 130, fruit 50: 300
6:00pm dinner: chicken 200-250, popcorn 100.
Progress as of today: 3.2 lbs lost so far, only 0.8 lbs to go!
It was a fabulous rehearsal dinner last night and looking forward to my sister's big day today ! It's here! Finally :) happy wedding day.
Currently downing kombucha to clear up constipation. Yes. Really!
Catch up with you all later :)
Ugh thank gosh I brought 3 16oz bottles of kombucha with me! Thank gosh I know myself all too well by now. Sitting in bed and relaxing trying and drinking....shower soon .... Slept over in hotel so that's the bed I am attempting to relax in.
Progress as of today: 3.2 lbs lost so far, only 0.8 lbs to go!
11am-1pm: Seltzer with stevia, some beef jerky 150, also some bacon jerky 200. weird, I know. but since i'm drinking so much, that's the reason for all the salt. 350 most.
Banana and pb 250 800
And a bit more bacon 200?
1000 and some carbonated caffeine drink 50
Lots of salt at dinner maybe too much as I woke up a lil puffy but it's all good! Dinner prob not more than 700 cal.
Total not more than 1800 :)
bananas later....bringing bananas, bacon jerky?, and kombucha to the wedding for the hotel room. Kombucha for tomorrow morning definite in hotel room, beef jerky for tomorrow lol probably won't eat it, and bananas for tomorrow as well.
After MANY low cal days this week, I'm 111.8. DONE. Goal is to maintain now.
One of the tips I learned to keep a lower weight is to eat breakfast later in the morning at work - there's nothing proven that shows it's not ok to eat breakfast later. Studies don't really prove that it's better to eat within the 1st hr of getting up. Eating later at work means eating even a little more sometimes, but at a later time, so in the end it adds up to less calories as i'm only have one meal in morning, not 2. One meal & a drink in the AM. I'll also be staying OFF coffee as it ruins my teeth. Those are my only goals and tips that i'll try to keep with moving forward:
Once again tips to keep my weight down / goals for the remainder of this year:
1. later main breakfast (not snack and breakfast in AM)
2. No coffee every morning at work- VERY BAD habit & ruins my teeth
3. Water thru morning - less of this tea and coffee
4. Work on having better skin! :) (may improve with better sleep & eating!)
I do drink my kombucha first thing in the AM. around 40 cal per cup. (you can also have hot water with lemon - similar effect and cheaper - i'm going to go back to that to save money I think! - kombucha bottled is too expensive ranging between $3-$5 per 16oz Bottle!)
MAINTAIN. I need to "re-learn" and "retrain" myself how to maintain this lower weight as it's a very low weight compared to what i'm used to. It's so low also because I've been eating more salty things, but then also more water, and then extra kombucha in mornings....and also VERY low cal days, but not unhealthy low. Just low cal (around 1200-1500 per day the past 6 days or so).
As much as my "mind" wants me to keep going lower in weight, the healthy thing for me at this time is to NOT go lower. Not now. I need to train myself now at maintaining this weight - reason being, my goals for this year are NOT weightloss, but to get into the NYPD. I cannot make myself sick trying to lose weight and get so derailed off-track, when my true goal doesn't have to do with weight anymore. I do not really know how to maintain this lower weight. It's going to take a lot of effort in continuing to eat differently to make sure I can maintain it. I will not always have to eat so low cal, as eating low cal (especially this month) helped me LOSE. And i'm not trying to lose anymore.
I promise myself to stay healthy for the remainder of this year into 2017. I must now reach my main goal which is the NYPD. Please support me, everyone here.
This NYPD goal is my life / career DREAM. and this year, both you and me are going to witness by confidence growing, strength in lower body increasing, and my ability to run will slowly come back. I still am not up to running as I am weak. I'm going to focus through the summer only on strengthening exercises for lower body. That's most important and most necessary. I am going to make this dream come true. I need to.
If I don't get into the NYPD, it will not only be a failure, but a life-long missed opportunity and a derailment from financial and career freedom. it will mean that I will need to give up dreaming of the way I want to live (higher money budget & more freedom for travel, etc.) and learn to live extremely modestly on a MUCH LOWER income for life. I can't do this time myself. I am way too smart, way to driven to ruin my life.
I vow to all of you. I vow to myself. This is very emotional for me. You have no idea. I need to focus on the NYPD goal.
After the wedding on 4/2, I will be resting / relaxing & a little bit of partying. I have learned to listen to my body more & also learned to do what's best for me more. I owe it to myself - even before my family & friends. Now, when I need rest, I take it when I can and don't give it another thought. If I can't hang out with friends and family, I can't and so be it. My health will come first this year. I need to reach the goal. There is no stopping me.
Once again, my goal this year is for the NYPD.
My goal after that is simply to maintain a lower weight.
Please help me. G-d I hope supports me. I look forward to the days ahead & making my most important dream come true.
Happy Wedding Day Tomorrow for my sister & her soon to be hubby!
Is the day really here!?
Progress as of today: 3.2 lbs lost so far, only 0.8 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Mar 31, 2016
1450 per day past 6 days.
Based on that #, I can assume I lost around 2/3 lb this week on the assumption I burned at least 1800 per day. proud of my dam* self. I did it. and combined with a lost of approx. 250 cal per day the week before, in two weeks, I've lost around 1lb. This week was easier as I was occupied doing errands and had the wedding fully on my mind.
Now I just gotta shower (it's almost 10pm) and find a hairstyle on the web I like and save the pic on my phone. That's what my sister told me to do :)
And tomorrow starts the rehearsal dinner. Just gotta pack & get my manicure done. Then, rehearsal dinner. And then, Saturday - the big shebang! The wedding. OMG excited. It's really unbelievable. Nobody in my family has gotten married in over 20yrs.
Smaller plum 50 and kombucha (2 very strong bottles = 4 cups of it) 140. Approx 200 here. All sugars....but....I realize before the wedding....that morning when i'm in hotel, I better have some strong kombucha with me or I'll be constipated up the WAZOO. When I get nervous / travel, pooping doesn't happen AT ALL. I once went to ISRAEL, for 10 days or so...and NEVER POOPED. SICK.!!!! till I returned. Went for a massage the next day...and had to get off the table because it was so darn relaxing and I still had so much....you know...in me...SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'll have to wake up early at the hotel just to drink kombucha in my room and do what I gotta do....yup...it will DEF be in my car as something VERY NECESSARY as my body's already feeling it....anxious and excited and happy.
1pm Lunch: Bacon Jerky 250 at most - while doing errands - extra errand was picking up a strong ointment - I slightly burned my arms with nair - bc i'm an IDIOT who tried to be perfect (hairless arms) for the wedding. It's not bad and should be healing soon - it is on the mend already as I did it before going to the derm and of course I had to get a Rx today. I'm a nut. ...but all is good...
Afternoon Meal, 4pm: Tabooli Salad around 100?, another salad with black beans around 150, cooked cabbage (some salt and a little oil) 100 most, popcorn 110: around 450, good.
Before gym carbs: special K chocolate pastry treat OMG - this is good! 100 and a caffeine drink 50. I am really tired man....but no worries.....
After gym: aminos 30, bar 190, rest of that popcorn (already counted) around 250 most.
total today: 1300, OH YEAH BABY!
After gym: probably a carby protein cookie. I think...or something similar that I have at home. I'm so pooped man....needing this caffeine right now....majorly. tomorrow starts the big day OMG.
full for now. gym later. reading till then. promised my coworker to chat with her although I'm not in the mood. and I do hope to chat with my lovely man though later tonight after gym. I loved him since I laid my eyes on his sweet face and body. and his personality grew on my quicker than Poison Ivy. We are doing well, although slow progress, I feel more secure nowadays that he has my back. That he understands me (only man I have EVER felt this way about EVER in my LIFE!).
So, although slow progress and we both have very BUSY schedules, if he will accept me in the near future as his girlfriend, well, that's the road i'll be taking. I'm sure the upcoming wedding is playing with my mind a little bit, but never in my life have I *loved* (he doesn't know this and I shall not ever say it till we are dating, etc. - i'm NOT stupid) him basically love at first sight. I will be a little distraught if things don't work out but fortunately for now they are to a point I am happy with.
Lately, I wake up happy & alert. The sleeping pills actually helped me (as usual) big time this week. But in a different way - I'm able to sleep through the night & also been waking up EARLIER and not needing extra hours of sleep. More like normal hours, like 8 hrs lately, even with the pills. Shows my body is feeling good lately. A week off has done me well. Ready to go into this wedding for SURE.
Up earlyish and getting laundry done. Just two loads and done & hopefully not doing any laundry again until Sunday 4/10 or Saturday 4/9 after I get back from AC! Nice. I'm trying to plan now so that this coming Sunday I am not running around after the wedding. I do feel good. I feel happy. I'm so glad I took the time off to help myself get everything accomplished. Just wonderful. And far less to do in April besides attend a couple meetings I think for my housing / union after work next month.
And no gym only some stretching / abs at home is what i'm thinking. If & when I want to. I doubt i'll do much of anything for at least 2-3 weeks. Feeling so nice. Like I have met my goals. It's the best feeling in the world. To stick with something long enough to accomplish what you originally set out to do. This time it was reaching 115lbs - and it was a doable goal - and I finally reached it just around the time I needed to. Life gives you what you put into it. Put in the work, and you shall receive.
My big goal for 2016 going forward after wedding is gearing up for the NYPD. I will try for January 2017. But in the back of my mind, I know that July 2017 would be the more appropriate, healthier approach rather than rushing my fitness and strength. So, that's the approach i'll take. A year goes by fast. And it means I can use that year also to possibly go on a trip with friends (instead of rushing into the new career and giving up all my freedom of right now / able to travel now...especially after wedding is done, my days will be mine fully if you know what I mean and I don't plan to ever get so sick again.). i'd like to travel before I go to the academy. By travel, I just mean i'd like 1 more vacation. My last "real" vacation was a cruise in 2012. So, possibly a vacation this year maybe December or something. Not sure. But i'd def spend money to go away as one last "hurrah" before entering a new career. And really, it needs to be in the Summer '17, not winter '17. I feel better with that goal. the other is too rushed as my legs are very weak and I need the time to build the muscle and strength for running. I don't even walk on a regular basis yet! Only weightlifting and light lower body exercises (4 - 5 exercises at gym for lower body is what I currently do).
Progress as of today: 2.4 lbs lost so far, only 2.6 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Mar 30, 2016
1480 cal per day for past 5-day avg.
Wednesday To-Do List:
1. Drop off my signed tax return docs straight to the post office for my accountant so I can get that $ ASAP. I got back around $1k less than last year. But, I am still thankful!!! And thankful to be paid this week from my boss. I am a very happy lady. DONE
2. Put $ on laundry card at the housing office DONE
4. Fill out my Housing Income Affidavit Paperwork that is due 4/30 and have it notorized at the bank. Make sure to get copies made at the bank! of my tax return that needs to be submitted with this paperwork... DONE
3. Drop off the rest of my health bills for reimbursement at the Union Hall. Also drop off notorized income paperwork at Union (same place for both documents) DONE
4. Dermatologist at 12:45pm (not skipping today as I have a breakout on my back and still want to go & use my appointment that I made - lol, don't ask!) DONE
5. Maybe an oil change (because I am driving to Atlantic City less than a week after the wedding and need my car in good condition and am due for an oil change. also need air pressure in tires checked & need air i bet lol...never any good places to go for that in Queens they are always all broken...) DONE
6. Maybe do my pedicure today (manicure not today - gonna do it last minute, Friday afternoon before the rehearsal dinner that night, after I do my hair I think). Relaxing later on & reading. NOT TODAY NO MORE PLEASE!
7. Request a new book from the library online if I want to (i'm almost done with book #4 and almost up to book 5 in a series...called the Harry Clifton novels by Jeffrey Archer - highly recommend!) DONE
Food: Kombucha and strawberries 130 Bacon jerky 200 Tons of seltzer with kombucha while doing all these errands....at oil change now and still need to get stuff notorized as the lady as the bank was out to lunch so I have to go back....all is good! 350 cal so far and will be a lower calorie day.
Lol it's 2pm right now and so far I have only completed the post office and dermatologist. Relaxing during oil change and soon going back to the bank hopefully in less than a half hr but we shall see!
4:30pm Meal: plum 50, sautéed bean sprouts & cabbage 150, followed by more cabbage 50, popcorn 160, a little of a spread 40: 450...and TONS of beef jerky 200. total here is still good - around 650. sleepy now...gonna read, relax.
7:30pm: massive plum maybe as much as 100 cal.
8pm A new protein bar 170 flavor is cool: Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip! I like it! I may buy more on the web if I can find them. Saw them for the 1st time last week at GNC.
around 1250. GREAT.
Progress as of today: 2.4 lbs lost so far, only 2.6 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Mar 29, 2016
I weighed exactly the same this morning as I did yesterday morning, 114.6. That feels good.
12pm BIG lunch, ate the whole thing & stuffed my face: banana 120, followed up by a really tasty chocolate protein pancake: egg whites 120, protein powder muffin mix 220, little bit of oats not more than 50, and sf jelly 30, stevia no cal: total around 550. big pancake it was. I was full before finshing, but, wanted to eat the whole thing.
total so far today: 700, and i'm very full.
2:45pm: big plum at least 50 maybe more..
3:45: meal: bacon jerky (lots of salt, but lately it's ok I crave it) 200 and sautéed cabbage 100 at most.
Before gym: drink 50, candy bar 100.
After gym: balanced type of bar (fats, protein, carbs) and lots of seltzer (it's already 8:40pm....) 200 cal.
total cal today: 1400, EXCELLENT. this is because i'm down to the wire, so excited, here come's my sister....I mean, here comes the BRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!! amazing!
I did a lot of laundry even a spring denim jacket this morning and also washed my sheets again (midweek!) trying to take care of my skin and not sleeping on dirty pillows, etc - really trying here!, gym later tonight around 5:30pm, going back to the derm. soon - I have a small pimple that i'm taking care of. I seriously made appts every single day this week - and so far, I've needed them. I am being smart. it isn't obsessive in my opinion for a 33yr old sister of the bride to want to look her best on Friday / Saturday :) at the wedding!
I may stop my caffeine until after wedding, that may help a lot with my skin. but we'll see. I'm not changing my diet. and i'm focusing more on doing less not more (besides the extra derm. visits)
I am definitely not bored staying home. I find things to do everyday that will help me come next Month (April) and beyond. Tomorrow, I'll be getting an oil change and air pressure check of my tires so that my car is reading to go on 4/8 to Atlantic City with my friend Jen! I'll do the driving.
Next, I'll also be putting $ on my laundry card tomorrow (was gonna go today but preferred to come home and chill (hopefully read) before gym. Also tomorrow, i'll be dropping off more health bill copays for reimbursement from my union account. Like I said, i'm FAR from bored. It's so good to have this week home to prepare for the wedding, do all sorts of errands, do some extra laundry so that I don't have to do ANY LAUNDRY on this weekend before work Monday, and just get organized like I said. Feels so nice. And a little downtime. I wrote my speech for my sister which i'll copy-paste maybe tonight. It's short and simple (sorta like me! LOL) and i'm ok with it. I don't want to think about the speech anymore. And i'm happy to be able to enjoy my time at home now, now that I've written a speech at all. I am happy to give myself relaxation now.
And best yet, my boss texted me to tell me his IS PAYING ME for the 5 days I took off this week, as a GIFT! Trust me - I thanked him.
I wasn't supposed to be paid because I used up my vaca already. Now, if that's not a gift, nothing is! now, I will NOT have to spend a lot of my tax return like I thought i'd have to! I will just use it to pay off my credit card (probably use around $1k of my tax return and save the rest. I hope to save around $2k or more - depending how much I get back.
Progress as of today: 2.4 lbs lost so far, only 2.6 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Mar 28, 2016
Happy Monday All.
Early: aminos, kombucha almost 4 cups (needed it since my body is a little wacky right now due to TOM & wedding nerves) 160 cal
Breakfast: banana 120, protein powder 110, egg whites 110, sf jelly & two fish oil pills 50: around 400. good. (and couldn't finish the pancake so i'll have more of it later.) need to buy some bananas and veggies today in the afternoon after a derm. appt.
Late meal / snacks: Bacon Jerky!!!!! saw it & had to try it. This one does have some fat....I got it to fill me up & satisfy me - wow does it! The package has 3 servings & around 350 cals. and I had a little bite of a cookie also. total - at most around 400, good.
around 950 so far, good. 7pm plum 50.
Dinner: will be light....was around 450
1450 today, good.
I actually did a lot of errands today. more than planned. went to the derm. 2x today - because I am NOT kidding you - I got a pimple right on my lip midday! that I didn't have in the AM. I just don't mix with big weddings / events. ....they're not my cup of tea! but, i'll make a good effort with this one for my sister of course. I am thinking to write the speech soon...
To-do today: derm. appt at 12:45 and final dress fitting at 4:30pm. And pick up veggies after the derm. appt. That's it. Believe me, that's totally enough. I'm letting myself have some relax time this week. It's no doubt what I need right now.
After the derm., I stopped by a shoe store (Aerosoles) in the shopping center and found a better shoe for the rehearsal dinner. And it was buy 1, get 1 half off, so I got the shoe in both a black color and a tan color bc I liked it so much. The shoe goes with jeans and dresses. I also did my food shopping for the rest of the week basically. I should be pretty good until this wedding :)
I have to write a wedding rehearsal dinner speech, but not in the right mindset to think about it just right now (although I have ideas floating in & out of my head).
Let's just say, my new digital scale this morning read 114.6!!!!!!!!!! And I checked twice!
The lowest weight i'm comfortable going down to is probably 112. In college, I dropped below 112 for some time (prob around 105-110?) & lost my period for a year.
So this is why I am content on 112 and not going lower. Sorry OR, I know you are a guy, but I needed to write this basically to help myself. Going without a year without a you know what, my health was suffering & I didn't do anything about it. I probably lost a lot of calcium & strength in my bones that year. Being young, I was happy not to have it - and deal with it for awhile, but it was a disservice I did to myself & that's what's probably lead to my injuries as an older adult.
So there! Weight definitely fluctuates day to day - yesterday it read 117. There are NO WORDS for how happy I am to see that #. It shows one thing - my dedication truly paid off. I got to this goal. The scale really did read 115 or lower by the wedding. I achieved the goal - really this time - since mechanical scales are not as accurate & inconsistent compared to the flashing numbers of a digital scale. I'm glad I purchased it. I will probably put the mechanical one away in a closet now.
So, I haven't seen a weight as low as 114.6 since around 2008 in the Fall. Yes, I really remember my highs and lows and when I was having them (my weight I mean - which does pretty much coordinate with also my emotional highs & lows, interestingly). So yeah, Fall 2008 was almost 8 years ago. I did good - achieving this goal again. And it just goes to show - anything is possible if you stay determined & believe in yourself.
After the wedding, I will be relaxing a bit from the gym for a month because I am working to my limit almost right now & am getting the message that my body wants rest only. I will give it what it wants for all of April. I am not a person that enjoys moderation. I don't thrive on moderation. And I never will. So, for me, taking a break doesn't mean a week off or a day off - it means around 1 month off. And if you know me personally, you would know that this is perfect for me. Because I know for a fact, that taking a month off means i'm coming back even more dedicated, eager and ready. Maybe less strong & needing to start off with lower weights, but it will be worth the rest and relaxation I need - as well as more time with friends. I'm taking the break to pursue my other desires. This also includes dating.
Progress as of today: 2.4 lbs lost so far, only 2.6 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Mar 27, 2016
2-DAY average = 1645 per day. good.
Happy Easter to those celebrating!
TMI but I had the worst PMS mood swings ever the fast few days...and finally TOM with leg thigh cramps. but glad it's now & not at wedding!!!!!!!!
8:30am Breakfast: leftover hibachi from last night and an energy drink. 350.
11:30 Meal: strawberries 100, some salad with dressing 100, beef jerky kick I am on 150 (enjoying the salt and sugar) and the chewy texture. 350 most.
popcorn and kombucha 200
2:30pm late meal (bad thigh cramps today / also some light back pain due to TOM): chips, little bit of turkey, plum 250....and a banana to try to feel better bc these pains are bothering me...120
1270 (may not be a low cal day, too close to wedding anyway to go any more nuts than I already have been.) I may relax a bit today on the food.
Snack before gym: bar and energy drink (yes, I was ultra tired today and gym was the only time I moved around....and this is ok...my body was waiting for this time off!...and i'm giving myself the rest I need. It feels very, very good.) 150 cal.
After gym: protein cookie (high carb, balance of protein and fat) 320
total today: around 1740, good. trying to relax myself - I don't need any more food today. I did great.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Mar 26, 2016
I just got my new scale in the mail. I bought it off groupon and it's digital, not mechanical. It's very good & accurate. I'll be following it. No more "guestimating" my weight. Now, it's by the book - by the exact #. I knew I wasn't really ever perfectly 115 lol.
Plans today are very simple: laundry, stay home all daytime, pick my friend up for dinner :) I think hibachi :)
11am Kombucha 150
1:30pm: old brussel sprouts not so good 50, strawberries 50
2:30pm: Huge protein pancake made with egg whites 120, special protein muffin mix 200, sf jelly 30. total here: 350.
oh, and some more beef jerky...weird cravings lately. 100
Out to dinner tonight for tasty hibachi (Japanese where they cook in front of you!) I want to guess around 800-850. I doubt it was too much more.
1550 Saturday :) yay. NO exercise.
Saturday. So peaceful.
I slept around 10 hrs last night, I was so done! I texted my "halfway" boyfriend as I like to call him in the AM yesterday and he didn't get back to me. I didn't really appreciate it. Then, while at the gym yesterday, I texted him again and told him that if he didn't call or text me back, that he wouldn't hear from me again because now he sees how I feel when i'm stressed (wedding stuff). And honestly, the problem was, i'd been wanting to talk to him since Wednesday and, yes, we was literally and honestly busy going to a wake that night...and the next night visiting another friend who's father died....but when we were texting and he said he wasn't stressed about these things, that it's life, and I asked him to then call me Thursday night after he visited his friend, he didn't follow thru. So Friday, I wasn't so happy that he'd "played me" and put me last and essentially followed thru with all his other social and friend obligations except for me. And yes, he celebrates Good Friday and Easter (I don't) so I do know he was with his family last night (and maybe even during the day), but that doesn't give him an excuse not to call me from Wednesday evening thru Friday evening when I actually asked him a few times to do so.
We've known each other 2.5yrs, him and me. And we've stated in touch by phone text and calls for two years. He has no excuse whatsoever. Even friends will call each other, especially when a friend is asking because she sounds like she need your support. He disregarded my feelings, when I told him I was upset about something at work, and didn't even care to help me and rather totally put his own interests first. This shows me that he's not caring about me even as a friend like he should. He has no consideration for me if he is going to act this way. And, I said him a few lasts texts even after telling him I wouldn't text him again. The reason I followed up by texting again is simple. I was fuming mad after my workout and the caffeine I had before it. And I needed to tell him my real feelings which are this: I am sick of having a "halfway relationship" with him and will not stand for it anymore. I am more than pissed at myself (bc the thing is, I can't be angry at a man that never said it was anything more...that never tried to play me....that just went along with it....with my texts...I actually can't say i'm angry at him....so, I told him I was annoyed and angry with myself for continuing on this thing I have with him. And I told him that I don't want it halfway anymore and can't. I ended saying "I am F*ucking Pissed." that was my last sentence to him. He did write a few texts later that night following up and, yes, he did get back to me. But, he didn't ask me questions. All his texts were statements. So, I was still fuming and not ready to write back so I didn't. I plan to write back to him the wedding night. to text him a photo of me all dressed up. Maybe even at the rehearsal dinner.
I do love this man. Despite what others say, I love him. I will have a broken heart if he really doesn't step it up to allow himself to be in an emotional and real relationship with me. I love his personality and i'm attracted to him 100%. I love his work ethic and his mannerisms. I am in love with his quirks too.
When he wrote back, it didn't really make full sense. He still held back from anything truly emotional. he is very closed up and has sincere troubles with anything relationship-like. If he can't ask me out. If he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, I'm going to have to move forward and it's very difficult for me to do if I have to. I have fallen for him, he doesn't know this. he doesn't know that I already love him. he doesn't really know that I loved him at first sight. I've never said the word love to him and never will until long after we were to "really" date. He always tells me where he is and what he's doing. But, if I cannot be the one finally out with him and being with him in person, then, I have to let him go from my mind and continue my life without him. It will break my heart. Because I already love him and it's been this way for awhile. I care for him very much. He does know I would go out of my way to see him and for him. He never told me "no" or stop texting me. He's never told me that he wasn't interested in me. So, I don't know. he's 44, single, never married, no kids.
The people he goes out with are his guy friends and when he gets together with big groups, the girls are sometimes still in their 20's. He jokes and tells me it's for fun and that he wouldn't really want to date a 20-something girl. Well, I'm 33 and he's 44....and I only prefer older men with more maturity. I tend to get along better with older men and not men my age. In general, I can't connect as well to men my age. Everything about him works with me. And he knows I feel this way. I've hinted a thousand times at it.
But if he cannot find a way to fit me into his actual life, it has to be over. It's so sad. You have no idea. So I told him I want the real deal. I don't know what he'll say. It's so darn emotional this stuff, it had me fuming. And I totally tired myself out last night and fell asleep 10 hours at least (took a sleeping pill on top of being exhausted). I need my extra sleep this week to boost my endurance and ability to feel resting leading into the wedding 4/2 and rehearsal dinner 4/1. Sleeping pills have been my savior this winter. Allowing me to sleep during the weeknights and sleep in when I need to on weekends.
Progress as of today: 8.4 lbs lost so far, only 2.6 lbs to go!
Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Mar 25, 2016
9pm Update. Busy Day. Can't even fathom talking about it. but will try to remember everything I ate / drank:
Kombucha around 150
Total Above: 500
Israeli Salad (contains some dressing) 200, turkey 150, seltzer, 350.
Plum 50, granola bar 100, drink 50 200.
Late Meal: sautéed bean sprouts with some other veggies 150, too much beef jerky 200, seltzer. around 350-400.
total today; 1450. good.
Good exercise also.
Good Morning Everyone :)
Happy Good Friday to those celebrating.
I took the day off today (all unpaid now until April 1st) to relax, chill, go to my Tax Preparer & find a hair accessory for my sister's wedding. I want a hairpiece to attach to my own hair probably like a bun, but it's a lot of hair so it looks like I have more hair. Not trying to be fake with it, more that I want it to look pristine...I went it to help me look beautiful and natural, not spoiled & trashy.
I did ask my coworker turned great friend (known her around 3 years) to help me Saturday but I know she's busy already although she said yes to help me, but I do feel bad, so I want to do the work on my own today & maybe show her photos of what I find. I can even call her while she's at work while i'm at the store with the hairpieces.
I am also going to my accountant to get my taxes done. It will be great to receive that check, pay off the few charges but more than usual unpaid stuff on my credit card around $1,000 due to more spending (on purpose) knowing that I'd be able to use some of my tax refund. I spend money recently for a trip to AC with Jen from work, a concert in June with Christine my best friend, and also general stuff leading up to this wedding spending. All worth it. More visits to dermatologist also - those copays and a therapy / dr copay. All to be easily paid off. no worries. I never get into problems with debt thankful for this. I know my limits - but took advantage of life & knowing a tax refund would help me live it up a little & giving myself a major break & relaxing about it. Sorry, I have to be able to put it into perspective for myself and you guys.
I am having lots of mixed emotions lately as the wedding / rehearsal dinner is one week away. I am thinking of my own friends / love life too / family. Just everything is coming up. Doesn't help that it's that "TOM" emotional time of month soon either ! LOL.
All in all, I'm happy. I'm thankful. And I'm proud of myself. thankful for my friends and family. and looking forward to having a good, productive week. Cheers.
Progress as of today: 11 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!