- Tuesday Feb 23, 2016
(Weighed myself on wed morning after light eating the night before & happy to say - I am still right at 116). Anything is possible...but this week, i'm relaxing & same with next week. I need to have some fun with friends these next few weekends & enjoy myself a bit...too much stressing with wedding the past couple months so now it's about enjoying my weekends with friends!__________________________________________________________
1915 4-day average.
Terrible Tues…just feeling down about my life & trying to maintain positivity that things all work out when we stay focussed…but also the importance of having fun with friends which is what I’m going to do on Saturday night (bar & dinner)
6am: 2 cups kombucha 70
8am-11am: coffee 50, oatmeal with coconut flake mix with almond milk & banana 300, peanut butter also 100. Total here: 450.
11am: Small protein bar 130
1pm: Lunch: ½ avocado 150, veggies 100, chicken breast (substantial portion because I want to have more protein this week as I actually feel I was lacking on it last week & can almost tell the difference in my weak muscles lol) with some skin 300 at most. 550.
Snack before gym: strawberries, fiber one trail mix bar, and caffeine with a lil sugar: 250
After workout: sleeping pill and 300 cal protein bar in car.
total today: 1750, excellent.
I am here at work, that’s good, but really struggling with maintaining an even keel. Yes, I am still proud of myself in how far I have come, but at the same time I am struggling with being happy now as I am TIRED, not rested, not stretching enough, not having enough of a break from my current job, and not satisfied with the fact that I have to get from now till 4/1 without any paid days off or vacations and the fact that I will take the days anyways.
The fact that I will end up using some of my tax return to pay for my days off now probably. The fact that things right now are not really how I’d like them to be. My car bumper that I cheaply fixed in September somehow got a small but deep scratch at the cleaners this past Sunday & now I cannot afford again to fix it. Maybe later on I’ll order some paint & fix it myself since it’s a very small scratch.
It’s annoying how I don’t have any money to travel, (I will say my extra money goes to food indulgences which I have previously said I am not changing because I want it this way and don’t prefer to adjust my food spending no matter what anyone says).
But, once in a while everything comes to a stop and I feel it & the pain that I try to forget about, I have no choice but to face the music – and the music is depressing right now. No money for traveling for at least the next few years (unless I spend savings), no money for a new car for at least the next several years (unless I blow my savings), no money for much new clothing – most of the time I will have to go with what I already own, luckily money for going out minimally which is good enough right now (planning a fun one-night trip to AC for early summer with a good friend / coworker yay – and other friend isn’t invited since I will not invite someone who says she doesn’t like my other friend and I have to deal with that garbage being with both of them at the same time – so I’ll just go with one – even if that one decides to bring her boyfriend, I don’t care & I’ll get my own hotel room & will be even happier! To do whatever the F*CK I please. You would feel this way too…if for TWO MONTHS of this winter you were only doing things to prepare for your sister’s wedding & putting your entire weekend plans on the side to spend only with family or by yourself. You would feel this way if supposedly you are single & free – and feel so shackled done & not free. You’d feel how I feel if the one guy you like is as slow as anything to open up to you. You’d feel how I feel when you are angry that you still are in your current job due to an injury & slow to heal body & mind which is tough when I want to free myself and move onto the NYPD.
You’d feel how I feel if you felt completely stuck right now with your job & life…and still the slight uncertainty when I will be ready for the change. You’d feel how I feel when any sudden activity that requires some extra walking gets my body totally sore the next couple days. When it’s a struggle to improve my fitness bc my desk job is 8 hours per day plus 1/2hr lunch on top of that all sitting except for 2 weeks vaca and 5 sick days a year not enough. And I don’t need to be told that other people have it worse no I do NOT…because this doesn’t work at ALL for me. This job, this life, this lack of freedom, this PUNISHMENT I GAVE MYSELF because I left teaching on my own & I chose to take the job my father helped me get….I did this to myself….and now I face the PUNISHMENT. Nothing has changed for me really financially-wise since I got this job slightly over 5 years ago.
If I were to quit this job, I’d be in a similar financial state to how I was 5 years ago. I don’t have so much more savings since moving out of my parent’s house, I haven’t been able to save much more as my income is low at $46k in NYC. I thank god for being able to be free & out of their home – have more freedom especially weekends – only bc I am basically in a rent-fixed place. Rent for me is 1,000k per month in Queens. In the city (Manhattan), a 1-bed is AT LEAST $2500 and that would be for something probably with bugs & garbage. Most 1-beds in city are prob at least $3,000.- So, as you can see, I have a deal for $1k/monthly rent. If I didn’t have my deal, I couldn’t afford to live out of my parents’ house without having MULTIPLE roommates. At 33, I’m thankful for my independence & freedom – which came with my parents’ help.
I’m just sick of the help. Sick of the financial INSECURITY. Sick of my life as it is. But cannot go anywhere until I decide that my mind & more importantly MY BODY is strong enough for the NYPD. I have to make sure my ankle gives me no pain & that I am ready to jog daily in this academy or I will not be able to do it – and that is obviously not an option as it is my career after leaving this job & I must be able to do it. Case Closed. I’m not giving up. It’s just a BIG struggle right now to bear with this **** JOB AND **** LIFE for at least 1 more year…and hope that my company stays above water and doesn’t close & pray nothing else changes so that I can continue to forge toward my next career without any other major obstacles. It’s messy…mostly a mess in my mind right now.
A struggle since Saturday to maintain my composure. I’m tired, drained emotionally & physically & just want some time off which isn’t coming or which is coming but I will have to pay out of my own pocket for that time. It all just sucks right now.
In order to make it suck less, I’m making plans with friends on the weekend & trying to get out of my funk.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Monday Feb 22, 2016
6am: 4 cups kombucha 130
8am-11am: coffee, banana 220
11am: Quest Bar 210
1pm: Lunch: ½ avocado but small 150, veggies 100, chicken breast (substantial portion because I want to have more protein this week as I actually feel I was lacking on it last week & can almost tell the difference in my weak muscles lol) with some skin 300. 550.
Total thru Monday Work: approx. 1150 (boss gave me a cup of tomato juice). Good.
Dinner: indulged, but not a binge. everything in moderation. but everything haha. kale salad around 100, chips 120, Celantano microwave eggplant rollettes around 300, whipped yogurt 100, strawberries 50. Total: around 700. good.
total today: healthy still, 1850. good. getting back on track this week after the party Saturday. I didn't expect to feel so run down. Could also be sleep medicine. I may take some anyway.
I am here at work, that’s good, but on the weekend I wasn’t even motivated to read in my time relaxing. Honestly, even though it wasn’t that busy a weekend besides the bridal shower, it took a lot out of me. Between laundry, food shopping & gym, and Friday night errands that took till pretty late in the evening, all I did the rest of my free time this weekend was lounge around on the couch. Surfing web, watching tv. And even falling back asleep Sunday after breakfast…but…I AM staying positive. I AM proud of myself. And I’m NOT going to go back on my word…My dream for now is to look good at this wedding on4/2. And this is my priority & I will not fail at it. I will keep on keeping on. Because I have a lot of respect for myself, love for myself, and a desire to reach my potential – ALWAYS.
And after this wedding, I am totally moving forward to my next bigger, more important goal - and that goal is joining the NYPD academy in pursuit of becoming an NYPD officer. And I have the most confidence that I will reach this when my body is ready (either January 2017 or July 2017).
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Sunday Feb 21, 2016
1am: 450 :/...hungry but mostly emotional eating.
8:30am: kombucha 70, bar 130, chips 120...very very emotional I seem to want to eat. not hungry though. total: 320.
9:30 protein bar 200, popcorn 250. 450, jolly rancher 20
total so far: 1250...I will do my best to keep cals in check, working on calming myself (I tend to get anxious before & after bigger social events) so I can relax & read. Laundry was thankfully done last night so I don't have too much to do today except food shopping & gym...not sure why I am so fidgety & emotional (except this is typical for me after big social functions).
3pm Lunch: healthy kale salad with dressing 100?, nice & warm rotisserie half chicken breast with skin...200. total 300. popcorn again..150 450.
total so far: around 1700, good...needing to go to gym soon...
At gym: banana120, After gym: high sugar and protein cookie 360, 100 cal yogurt also. Total here: 580. fine.
Total today: 2280. Is fine. Sometimes we need an up day anyways. What can I do :)
Tomorrow's a new day & I will be trying HARD thru April 2nd.
No days off for awhile, so I will try to forget about that fact, try to sleep & get rest (if it means taking sleeping pills, I will), and try not to overdo anything before the wedding :)
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Saturday Feb 20, 2016
Sunday 1am...cannot sleep...so I am taking sleeping pill & snacking its ok. giving myself a break. chips 100. heavily sautéed greens 300. steamed veggies 50. 450.
Smiling Saturday :)
11pm Evening Update:
My sister's bridal shower was great :) I wasn't an organizer of it, but still tried to help out there & write down who gave what gift when she was opening her gifts there...
Gonna try to remember what I ate :)...because it's what I do :)
Overall, all the women there were excited to be there & have a good time.
There were free drinks & I had a bellini (i'll estimate at 150) along with about 1/3 (50) of a strong raspberry vodka with seltzer. 200 here.
Early Dinner: salad with a lil cheese and also couple thin salami slices 200 at most prob, then some pasta with veal and sauce YUM 400 at most I guess since a very small serving but still a small plate of it (like a cup worth), then my dinner was great salmon but not too much of a big serving thankfully 350 or so, spinach! 150 or less, and a few big beans 50. great... oh and lil piece of cake 100 at most, and coffee 50 at most. 1100 at most prob.
Total at party: 1300, Total earlier in day:
350 forgot I had a banana 470
Total Today: 1770 or so.
not gonna eat more, body is starting to feel tired again after finishing laundry that I started when I got home & happy I don't have to do it tomorrow. Now it's 11:10, off to read & then bed! Goodnight All :)
Today, I'm heading off in the early afternoon to my sister's bridal shower. I'm looking forward to it but also seems I'm still waking up...lol. It's almost noon right now.
Took a sleeping pill last night around 9:30pm and it has worked very well. I slept in till around 7:30am and then was sleeping still on & off in my bed until 10:30am. These Sleepinal Pills are strong. You cannot take them if you need to get up early unless I take them practically with dinner. So today, I got some much needed sleep since I don't sleep well when I exercise at night & that was Thursday night. I'm doing what I need to for me & feeling good. My body is getting much needed rest lately, especially weekends, and I am feeling more rested during the day & happier.
I must get ready soon with at least a shower lol....
Soon it will be time to drive to the shower with my mom & dad. I will be helping them set everything up early. Then, the shower starts at 3:30pm...
So far, two bottles of kombucha for an extra push because sometimes when anxious my digestive systems likes to stop! 140 cal so far...and also some flavored seltzer with extra added stevia.
also a Chocolate protein bar 210.
(350 before party)
Feeling good...when I get home tonight whenever it is, i'll be reading & relaxing. Supposedly, my friend (no longer a best friend IMO) will be at the shower. I haven't spoken to her, which is GREAT I don't want to right now too busy and got enough I need to take care of, so I am not sure if she'll show up & get herself there. If she isn't there, that's ok too.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Friday Feb 19, 2016
Firefly Friday (my positive take on it)…
Early: Kombucha 60
8:30am-10:30am: coffee w. extra milk 150
10:30/11am: oatmeal 100, peanut butter 100, protein powder 120, coconut water 50, egg white 30, stevia for taste: 400.
Lunch: tofu 50, around a big cup of saag 200, mushrooms & leeks 150 at most: 400 at most prob.!!
1150-1200. before dinner, higher than expected but very reasonable & weekly average is still going to be GREAT
Dinner & early to bed with sleeping pill since last night I was up a little after gym:guess is that dinner is not more than 600 cal. tons of veggies, also 5 large shrimp and 5 large scallops and sauce which raises the calories. anyways...
1800 at most i'd say. decent. was aiming more for 1700, but, whatever. did a TON of errands after work: picked up card for sister's bridal shower, picked up prescription that I forgot to do earlier this week, picked up some food, got my nails done for party tomorrow. that's quite a bit. took around 2.5 hours total with driving home. SO HAPPY to be HOME.
total avg per day this week: 1650 or so per day....very good - may be the first time the average for an entire week is below 1700!
Avg cals burned: on workout days, I would like to think I've burned at least 2200 cals. So, 2200-1650 = 550. So, 550 burned on my 3 workout days = 1650 burned. next, i'd like to believe I burn at least 1750 on non-workout days. So, 4 days without workouts = 400 cals total. Total for this week burned: 2050 = EXCELLENT! This equals around 2/3 of a pound. If I can keep up this way of eating, and actually it shows I can even indulge more & not necessarily worry!, I will have no problem being around 115 come April 2nd. Of course, ladies & man, if I do lose a hair more, I WILL NOT COMPLAIN! duh. Sorry for the endless math, it's me thinking to myself...I'm very in the zone right now because of a bridal shower tomorrow and wedding looming. I feel very in control & focused. I love this feeling.
I also realize something else today...i'm going to have to let the guy go. The one that I did want things with...he's not ready. he's single, 44, and happy that way. so, i'm going to move forward & just look to have fun especially this spring after the wedding dating. sucks to let this man go....I really don't want to. texting for around 2.5 years and now nothing. staying in touch & now nothing. this to me is sadder than the thing with my best friend because more emotions are involved...female emotions...you know,.
I feel like I am very complete & finally independent and really, really single. Losing my best friend has helped me fully become myself. It’s hard nonetheless. It’s hard to sometimes skip over the time and fast forward and view myself as a successful cop – owning a gun and living in a new world of new situations…but the full confidence comes with time. I realize it’s one step at a time. Nobody is fully confident before they go thru the whole academy training & then also confidence from each year gained actually working…that’s a reason why it’s ok in my opinion for me not to fully see myself as cop now…but also to still envision myself in the uniform…
…What I’m trying to say is yes, I see myself as a cop. But, at the same time, my confidence will come with training and experience. I do not need to have it all at once. And this is ok. I accept this. I feel by accepting this fact, I am able to move forward and reach my goals. I don’t see being perfect as necessary anymore. And I understand that putting on an act to be confident even if not confident is very important too because supervisors / coworkers & everyone notices when you either have or lack confidence. Part of being confident is having the ability to show it even when you don’t feel it 100%. Why? Because the way you carry yourself is also the way others will perceive you…I have learned this, seen this, know this. I take my opinions on this matter very much to heart. I’m not a young girl anymore. I’ll be 34 in September and my chance to be NYPD is now. I’m making it happen. It’s a great feeling. At times, I started to think it was beyond me. Now I see, if I keep my confidence, nothing is beyond me. People in this world show so much strength despite mental and physical constraints. And, not having either of those, I am confident that I am able to achieve the same greatness as everyone else. There’s nothing to stop me except me. I am enjoying being free, not having a best friend anymore to take care of. I am enjoying raising myself up. It’s a give & take. I’m willing to give away closer relationships for the chance to take a new chance at life for myself.
I don’t have the time, literally I am busy, like other folks who are bosses or having flexible schedules. This is a TRUTH. And, based on my schedule & time constraints, I have decided, and not so recently, that my own personal health and success is far more important than constant social plans or caring for a best friend that isn’t my family. I will do what I have to do, no matter how SELFISH it sounds to others, in order to get into that academy. I still have a little work to do in my physical feeling of wellbeing and having confidence that I can get thru the hard & tough physical aspect of training in the academy. Like the running I mean. And then the physical pressures of being a cop – first few years are on your feet patrolling the streets. I am getting there. Slowly but surely, I’m not always wearing sneakers to work. I’m starting to wear flats (dress shoes but flat no heal). I’m starting to break down the mental barriers which will also break down physical barriers. I refuse to let a lack of confidence (which I refuse to think like that) – a lack of confidence to prevent me from further living out the coolest life ever. Women? Cops? Female cop? Who would have thought. How cool this will be – to be a cop. I have such a passion & love for cops. And to be one myself will be a dream fulfilled, biggest dream I have ever had, fulfilled for life.
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Thursday Feb 18, 2016
Reached an all-time low of 116 (it's been YEARS since I last saw that #..last time around early fall 2007 before taking on a job that wasn't a challenge and becoming depressed that year with lots of bingeing) Friday morning (ate very light yesterday so that helped and low volume food at night, so weight extra low in morning. nice!) Basically, I can say right now, that despite all the odds, I maintained my goals and wishes. And so far, they've come true. Oh, I only need to lose one more pound by April 2nd. I cannot believe I did this! Amazing success & progress. Now, thru March, I have to maintain...as well as renew some relationships and more social plans with friends...I need to be able to maintain weight & incorporate a social life...this will require some work, but very possible of course.
Article link is right below Smartest and most honest article I've ever read regarding weight loss & how to think like a thin person!
Thoroughly Thursday (because what other day is it!?)
6am Kombucha: 70
6day avg: 1608per day!
8:30-10:30am Snacking: Coffee with extra milk 100, 2 Fish Oil capsules 20 (just like putting butter in coffee if you have read the studies or are familiar with Bulletproof Coffee…mine is “Jackie’s Take” on it).120.
10:30am / 11:00am: my new fave type of protein bar – ONE. I I like all of their flavors too! 220.
TSF: 410. Yes baby. Work it…Make the right choices, realize your potential. Work hard for results you can be proud of.
1pm Lunch: Bok Choy, other veggies on top 190 at most, ½ medium avocado 160, tofu 50: total 400.
Bar 320 & aminos.
total today: around 1150. because I am achieving one goal at a time now!
Losing a best friend and the relationship becoming something else is very hard. But not as hard as continuing to be friends with someone who does not support me as she says she does. Does not like my friends. Does not want to do new things. I fight with regularly. And someone who thinks she can keep me away from my other friends, say bad things about my other friends, and, when I try to help or say anything that is from my heart, someone that takes offense & instead of realizing i'm concerned, she puts me down, tells me what's wrong with me, and embarrasses me. This will stop now & always. Never have I been told I cannot be myself. That I cannot express myself. and embarrassed multiple times in front of other friends & family. I have NEVER tried to embarrass her, try to manipulate her, or say negative things to her. This girl has tested me, throughout our long term friendship of over ten years, and she's pushed me to my limit. I cannot call her my best friend anymore. If she isn't accepting that, and doesn't want to be friends, I will be OK with that. I have given so much to her & all I get back is that she needs to talk to a therapist to know that i'm being sincere!? She couldn't come up with that conclusion herself!? So done with the nonsense. I am not sure why I was so driven with her and as her best friend. I just know one thing...I made friends with her during my pretty vulnerable period of life - 20's to early 30's...and well...I just don't know what to say anymore. But i'm sick of fighting. Sick of trying. Sick of getting her to come out of her comfort zone. I don't want to try anymore. And I cannot anymore think that every time i'm doing an activity that she is automatically invited. Completely done with the best friend relationship. So OVER IT. I do feel free, but it's very, very sad at the same time. Losing a best friend - never easy.
Nothing is stopping me right now – I’m on a major roll – last run into the wedding 4/2. So happy. So proud of myself. Before September I was stuck in the biggest rut. Eating too high calories that didn’t match my fitness levels & were totally impeding my weight loss goals for this wedding. After I finally reached out to myself. Learned from myself, got over being in the worst rut of my life (if you weren’t on DD in September / October – I got VERY sick. I was off work for ONE month. The first 3 weeks of being ill, I had NO CHOICE and had to stay with my parents because I was feeling so out of my skin that I couldn’t even care for myself. I needed so much help & thank god I had my parents there for me, thank god.) I have learned so much from the lowest point of my life. Grown so much these last several months. There’s no going back for me!
“ONE” bars are slightly more cals (usually just over 200 cals) than Quest bars (Quest usually just below 200 cals), but ONE is softer & does not need microwaving to make them soft. All the Quest bars I buy lately are almost hard as rocks and not fun to eat in the office since they need microwaving & I don’t like running down to the kitchen.
Also, the “ONE” brand is tastier. The difference in taste is substantial enough to buy them instead of Quest. These ONE bars taste fresh just as the Quest bars have begun to taste stale to me. I think the Quest company is not putting enough effort into their products like they did in the past when the company was newer. In the past, when I bought Quest bars, they were softer & I didn’t have to microwave them near as long as I do these days. The Quest products seem to be diminishing in quality!
Progress as of today: 10 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!
- Wednesday Feb 17, 2016
Perhaps the best article I have ever read for weight loss tips from thin people behaviors (think like a thin person!) awesome article!:
Here to tell all you lovely ladies & gentleman that I love myself. I love myself for now & for always. I believed in myself. I believed in the process. I already love my body as it is. And I will never stop reaching to work on my body or myself. My physical health and mental health. I always want to be the best me. It took a lot of lows. A lot of failures. A lot of misses…before I found what I was looking for. No matter how bad things get, they get better if you let them.
Everyone here, you have to believe in yourself & you cannot quit. It’s the resolve not to quit that will help you in the long run. Keep that confidence. Trust that as time goes by, everything you want will come. Have patience, wait it out, put in the work, and maintain your focus. Everything comes to those who work at it. Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. It’s not worth ruining your life & wrecking the good feelings you can have for yourself. Do yourself the biggest favor, and work towards loving yourself.
For the FIRST time in my entire life, 33 ½ years old, I woke up today LOVING myself. I will never, ever, forget the beautiful feeling as long as I live.
This entry is from the bottom of my heart. I am blessed with so many second chances at life. My eyes were open. I took the chances. Sending you all thoughts and prayers to continue your own journeys with as much commitment and resolve as I have taken to fulfill my own promises. I will continue to work to achieve my full potential & will never, ever stop.
5:30am: rest of the BCAA’s watermelon sugar free (tasty stuff!), and kombucha 50
8am-10:30am or so: coffee with extra milk 60
10:30am / 11am: Late Breakfast: oatmeal 100, coconut water 50, chocolate vegan protein powder 100, egg whites 30, stevia (low fat today…forgot the added fat – is fine, I got a lot of fat for lunch in my lunch!) 300.
Lunch: tofu 50, lots of saag (spinach prepared in an Indian way with lots of spices, little butter, and ginger) 250 at least I’d say, some greens (not gonna count cals here for fresh greens – just glad that they aren’t totally spoiled lol since they are over 2 weeks old now in my fridge!), little bit of chick peas (did it for health reasons…need to eat more than just veggies in oil…) 100…total here is approx. 400.
Very big dinner (volume) lots of heavily sautéed okra (bhindhi) in oil and spices...just a lot and it was on the bottom of the container so extra oily which is good bc today was pretty much very low-fat. okra 400?, small pieces of chicken 100, soup with veggies / small amount noodles 150, tons of bok choy and cabbage 150. total here: 800 at most and may be less, worth it. decided to indulge in dinner today because tomorrow will be lower cal I am sure.
1750, at most.
wore flats today instead of sneakers = accomplishment. but tomorrow = sneakers again!
5-day cal average: 1700, GREAT.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
- Tuesday Feb 16, 2016
AND...I saw 117 on the scale Wednesday morning! YEAH. it can happen. if you let it. believe in the process, believe in yourself!
1691 4-day avg. Excellent....at the gym last night for the first time, I noticed more of the "pop" in my muscles. I actually witnessed progress for my own eyes. I was able to see the changes. I am so proud of myself for realizing my full potential. For sticking with my goals and seeing this weightloss and muscle definition happen for me. It takes work. And I am just so satisfied so far with this winter journey. I will never for my entire life forget this winter season & my resolve to get what I want & make it happen. At this point, I don't think anything is going to get me down. I've learned a lot about myself these past 6 months. And I will just never go back to the person I once was. I am more confident & self-assured. I am not afraid to make decisions on my own. I don't need to consult someone for everything. i'm happy.
Hi. Well, no need to be too sad when the week starts out on a Tuesday. It’s a 4-day workweek, just thinking about it can change my emotions from iffy to happy…ya know!? It works! This is along the lines of Cybermom’s post about how easily a person’s mood can be altered by other’s remarks. It’s just as important to learn how to improve your own mood – maybe especially after someone remarks…or even just when you are feeling bad…ya, I think you get what I mean now!
6:00am: Kombucha, lighter effectiveness brand, but it worked thankfully. 60. I must try to only drink 1 a day, because the 16oz bottles of kombucha store-bought are very pricey at $3-$4ea.
Like I’ve said many times here, food is my splurge and I will not change my ways unless it were absolutely necessary. I’d rather eat good food & food that I prefer than go on any vacations. My money going to food is my way of being happy in the now & I do not care if others deem it wasteful because I don’t. To each their own!
8:30am-9:30am high-carb feel good breakfast: coffee with extra 2% milk 50, medium banana 120, and cooked cranberries w/ stevia added 60 (stevia has no cals and makes them very palatable and sweet!)230 total.
Iwill probably finish off my cranberries this week (don’t have any other fruit besides them & bananas) & not good food shopping until Sunday if I can help it – trying to do as little errands as possible this week besides picking up a prescription at Rite Aid which I forgot to do on Saturday.
11am or so (coworker isn’t here, so when I have lunch today may be whenever I want which is cool – when she is here, we both like to stick to 1pm so it’s easy to eat together): Morning snack: new type of bar that is soft without heating: 220. White chocolate raspberry I think? 220.
Lunch: very healthy: salad greens that are on their way out bc I should have eaten them these past couple weeks ooops 20, heavily oiled bhindhi (okra) but healthy because of this 250?,little bit of leftover saag (indian spinach dish) 50. Small piece low cal tofu 50. Total here: 370-400 excellent.
4:30-5pm: caffeine tea drink for a change and slightly lower caffeine, cooked cranberries 60, Nature Valley Oats & Honey granola bars 200. Total: 260.
Keeping today low calorie, will reach my goals this winter no matter what bc I have resolve and the drive to succeed and believe in myself as all of us should on here….
After gym:bar, bcaa's: 220 cal.
Total Calories today: 1370 total....that's how badly I want to reach my goal. It takes a special, mental resolve that I have & have always had. I do not let things get in my way when I want something this bad. I have done things like this before & know that with me, anything is possible. Literally. I know how to reach my goals...and now with the maturity of a 33yr old, it's much easier this time around. MUCH easier!
Exercise: Crazy Cool Gym Workout. I will do 220 pushups as my warm-up (as many sets as I need to in order to reach 250)
This is the email I sent my best friend this morning. She is always, still even when on anxiety meds, needs to have faith in herself…I am not sure where her total lack of self condifence Is coming from?. She’s got self-work to do. I bet the book Fran suggested I read would be good for her as well….anyways, my plan is to read that book in March probably…march / april for reading that book, after I read the new one I took out of the library last week which I am starting tonight.
Anyways here my email to her (last night she said that I need a thick skin to be a cop…after not speaking with her for a week or so, not sure why she suggested it, as I am changing day by day? Really not sure what her deal is lately. I do not think she understands me fully anymore. Which is fine…my life used to be more similar to her, years ago, when we were teachers. But now, my life is not like her’s anymore. Not at all…so…yeah….is the summer, she can’t possibly expect me to spend everyone weekend of my free time at the beach. I’m totally not stooping that low again like last summer when I thought I was expected to join her at the beach at every free moment I had once a weekend. She’s off all summer. Let her do for herself what she wants for herself. Let her help herself. I’m helping myself, time she did the same for herself. I can’t do it anymore. She needs to gain confidence & maturity and work on it, BIG time. I’ll always be her support, but not her life coach. She can pay for one of those lol
….here’s the email (end result - she was pissed at me & thought I was being negative towards her, she's lost me as a best friend because I've known her WAY TOO LONG for her to bit-H at me when I offer heartfelt, truthful advice. and actually put my own self on the line to give it to her. She's lost me. And I feel good about it. We'll stay friends, but she'll never have my heart or consideration like she used to:
HOPE all is well..Sam late today bc of a storm in buffalo so he’ll be in late.
Like, OMG, this keratin is soooo nice. Sooo smooth. Yeah….i love it.
Totally recommend if you want to have like the smoothest hair ever. I blew dry it but mostly let it air dry before that. its so nice. I don’t even add any protect as the keratin is protecting my hair for now. Just a little of that “All 10” stuff that I like with keratin in it…I put that stuff on top after blow drying just to tame a few fly-aways of short hairs. OH AMAZING. Keratin is like a dream come true for hair! It makes having long hair a breeze! SO WORTH IT. blow dry time – 5 min or less even with the brush. Honestly, my blow dry time was probably more in the 3-4 min range! Ha.
What’s new!? So nice the snow melted with the rain! Thank god for that one!
Like I was telling you briefly on the phone last night, I am changed. At 33 1/2 years old come March, I have myself to worry about & take care of first. Before anyone else. If I don’t do it now…and change my ways enough to make it happen, nothing will happen. So, yeah I miss the days of teaching and having breaks and vacations that the rest of the occupations basically don’t have. If I were in the union longer, 3 years, I’d have 3 weeks vaca instead of 2, and if 15 years, I’d have 4 weeks vaca plus the 5 sick days…it’s because I’m only 5yrs in union which is an additional killer. And, my salary is low, so I can’t take many days off without pay…so, it’s a challenge obviously. Luckily I have some savings that make it so I never need to feel the real pain of living week to week. …What I am trying to say here is, I’m not saying I’m jealous of you as a teacher at all (happy for you always as your friend), what I am saying is that I personally have experiencd the other type of life – the easier lifestyle of teaching – which it is easier when only discussing hours and vacation (I am not comparing the other points and they are not the variables I am speaking about!)…and in order for me to be who I want to be and to come out stronger & even better is to take care of myself. I will NEVER let myself become that sick person I was last September / October because I have that resolve, self-care, determination & dedication to see my goals through. This is what you should have as well. Nothing is stopping me from reaching my potential. The changes in me are going to stay. On weekends, as I was already doing, I need the downtime & time to take care of my needs. Come summer, I doubt I’ll be eager to do the beach every weekend as the beach is a very big process and can be very draining into the next day. I’m going to take each weekend as it comes. Vary how I spend the weekends. Not get into ruts. Rest when it is necessary. Because I have already let myself reach that point of despair and I am insightful and determined enough in my resolve to keep myself healthy to do what is necessary. Nobody including you may understand & that is ok. But I know what a challenge it is, at halfway to 34 years old, a challenge it is to make a life change.
You said to me I need to develop a stronger shell, trust me, it’s already there. My shell is sharper than glass and stronger than the toughest concrete. I am focused on me (as you should be on you) because I’m not going to be one of those women left in the dust and forced to live a life that she didn’t dream for herself. (Just so you know, you are very lucky with your job…just if you didn’t realize it…because there is so much you can do with your life because you have a job that is decent-pay, benefits, and a job you can rely and feel protected by….if you haven’t realized it, you should. You can get more educated, save $, live where you want, live out most of your dreams….nobody is stopping you from your happiness Christine. Nobody is stopping you from living like…the coolest life. Damn it! You are SINGLE and FREE….no kids to take care of…no money to be spent now on anyone but yourself. Save, spend…do as you please girlfriend. You are young and have so much. Don’t make it so in your mind you are ruining your own FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!! You are more free than most. Do you ever realize this!?) yes, single people ARE MORE FREE. Nobody to answer to. Nobody to tell us what to do. It’s awesome. If you don’t want to be single, change it. If you are comfortable with it, than stay with it for the time being. Stop wasting your time telling yourself how things are wrong when they are more than right…Realize what you do have. Realize all the power you have. Realize all the great things available to you at this very moment. Realize how much better you have it than so many other people. Realize it’s up to you to take care of yourself, do what you want. As for your brother, imagaine you didn’t have off from school and couldn’t go!? Do things to better yourself. If I were a teacher, different salary this whole time, I’d ask you to join me on vacations in the wintertime….you have the opportunity to do whatever you please with whomever you want…
…why do you think I’m friends with Bill Juby….i do as I please! With the people I want! Nobody is stopping you…from doing as you please with anything & everything in life…nobody is stopping you, EXCEPT YOURSELF.
And nobody is stopping me either. Because I’m not letting anything stop me. I’m not in a comfortable job situation. I haven’t learned this industry fully…I still need to reach my potential with my career (that is a secondary human need…which I haven’t met) money also. I am not secure financially, another human need, NOT MET.
At least I have my apt. Which I hope will continue to be affordable. Because, if anything were to happen to the unions in our country, it will NOT stay the same rent-wise or even safety / cleanliness wise. But this is something not to worry about now or even for 10 years luckily…things are ok with my apt now and for the next decade at least. So I have that not to worry about. I also don’t have to worry about my vehicle, thank goodness…
But I have certain things in my life, mentioned previously above, that need to be adjusted. Nobody is doing it for me. I have to do it for myself. So when I need my space, need more time alone, need time to re-organize and re-evaluate and even rest, it’s not an OPTION, it’s fully MANDATORY that I take what I need for myself. I’m not saying I’m different from you or anyone else. I’m not saying my situation makes me a different case….
I’m not comparing myself to others or you.
I’m comparing me to ME. I’m doing what I need for ME. So if you see changes in me, they are life changes.
I am no longer the person easily influenced or willing to sacrifice my well-being for anything. Margaret can take a hike lol! jk….she came to mind just now…just thinking how ignorant she is, how little she knows about anything outside her immetiate surroundings & life….
I am changed. Iam ready to be a cop.
Too bad my ankle and left leg is taking such a long time in healing. BUT NO WORRIES, I DON’T WANT TO EVEN DISCUSS MY HEALTH NOW, because I will do everything and anything necessary to leap from where I am now to the fully successful, honorable, and satisfied Jacquelyn Hecht that I knowi can be.
So if you think I have changed, oh I have, I will do what makes me happy & bring myself the full 180 that I deserve to have. I am 90 degrees there already.
At 33 ½, I am no longer the girl I was. I consider myself very fortunate and far from ignorant as I have experienced so much in life. Hopefully you feel these things for yourself as well, but ONLY you can do it for yourself. And, as you see, I have a lot of work and changes I am making & look forward to making in my life. So, rest assured, you don’t need to remind me of the thick skin I need to be a PO. J I have that skin already, girl…
Wishing you a nice day today & all the great things in the world.
Most people, at our change, tend to kinda not reach for new careers and life changes. It’s not an easy thing to do. But I am confident in myself. The only thing that matters at this point. And I feel just fine.
And then I wrote more to her, because my boss isn’t here & I have extra time on my hands & less work to do…
Lately when I talk to you on the phone the one thing that rings out to me that I should tell you is that I feel you are lacking confidence. I can tell this is the case for one reason – you always list your happiness as a result of the medicine, sleep bc of the medicine. You aren’t sounding confident in your abilities to feel good and be happy. Not sure why you aren’t confident that you can do it on your own.
I am taking the medicine and almost never think about it. I am not thinking about months from now and where I will be. I’m focused on today. What’s going on now. Not when I’m going to half a dose or stop. Who cares. Isn’t the point to be happy as the time goes by now? I cannot even waste my energy on worrying to the future about it. I just don’t think about it, ever. It’s just not a thought that comes to mind. It’s not even that I think about it, then tell myself to stop…it’s that I AM NOT thinking about it in the first place. Just thinking how you do reminds me how I don’t.
You can do it on your own. (I am not talking about medicine now, I’m off the topic) Confidence and the ability to learn & grow is makes for successful people. That is the main difference in those folks that are successful & folks that are not as successful. There are no major other differences in my opinion. That’s my own true reason why I wasn’t successful as a teacher. I showed a lack of confidence. That’s what I think. I have seen lousy musicians / educators, worse than myself in my opinion, get good teaching jobs & keep those jobs. CONFIDENCE carried them confidence is what their supervisors saw in them.
Either take the reins to your own life or be passive instead & let your life lead you. It’s really this simple. You have all the avenues & streets open to you but you sound to want to only take the one with the dead end? Only making an analogy that is a bit exaggerated. But that’s what it sounds to me…as you have been feeling better, i see you doing better, but not sure why you don’t think you can do it confidence-wise.
Yes, medicine helps. But it’s not 100% the answer AND NEVER WILL BE. I found this out for myself a few months into this game, when I realized I wasn’t happy one day…and that I would need to get thru it with my mind, not just a sweet little pill.
That’s why lately there has been such a progression towards alternative therapies like exercise more & other approaches towards feeling good – because medicine can only go so far.
I am not sure why you are so fearful & put so much emphasis on the medicine. Be confident that you are the one changing. The medicine is not as powerful as you over your mind. If you can’t be confident in yourself, no dose of medicine is going to help you. It’s not the medicine, but your changing your mind that is the full answer. If you cannot believe in yourself, then that is the risk a person takes to choose to live less happy than if they had decided at least to be happy with themselves, their choices, and their life. Nobody else can do it for you but you.
Progress as of today: 9 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!
- Monday Feb 15, 2016
Current weight is still stable at 118. having trouble getting it lower, but overall feeling slimmer. I am proud to be able to maintain but must admit that maintaining even 118 takes dedication....I now have to decide if, after this wedding, that maintaining my weight, lower weight, is important enough to me to stay dedicated. Honestly, I think yes - I've gone so far, learned so much since September in this process from being sick to getting healthy again emotionally - that I think I do have the drive, dedication, and resolve to continue.
....but after this wedding and winter, I also resolve to reach down deep inside myself & make sure I love myself first & foremost at where I am at that moment...because I also want to find a suitable companion and/or move forward the semi-relationship I have going on now...whatever it is, i'll be focusing on myself (not my best friend or family) and resolving to COMPLETE myself. because this is most important.
1799/3day avg. pretty good., it's def not a bad average! and Sunday with the gym, I am quite sure I burned close to 2200 with my type of hard-core workouts.
My muscles pop more at the gym. still a ways to go from what I really want to look like, but I can't say I look bad. many times at the gym, my muscles in my arms are more visible than many guys.
1st Main Goal for 2016: 100 pushups in a row (goal without time limit other than to get it done this year!) Right now, I'm up to around 60 at most in a row.
Monday Madness? Off from work for President's Day.
It's 11:15am I have already got a lot done, much more than expected today: laundry, organized & paid my bills including the annual dreaded Co-Op AllState Insurance, organized Tax info again (for some reason, I have AT LEAST like 7 tax documents to give my accountant, vacuumed carpet areas, vacuumed the dust out of my heater filters so that I can feel better that the air that is circulating is not having to seep its way thru dusty filters!....and now gonna read. Happy about this day off. It's both relaxing & productive. Also making a few phone calls and appointments including therapy schedule (I go usually 1x a month) so i'd like to schedule it for at least the next 6 months over the phone today!
7:30-8:30am indulged in some partially fried / partially heavily sautéed in oil Indian style okra, big portion 400.. kombucha 70. more kombucha 50 520 total & hopfeully not more. Not the smartest move to indulge but i'm off from work & gave into the craving.
11am: protein bar 200
1pm: okra "bhindhi" Indian dish I bought and had some of 150 at least, and then a little of the spinach dish (saag) 150: 300 at least.
total so far: 1020 or so. fine.
2pm fruit (plum) 50
1070 / maybe more like 1100. good.
snack: couple fruit chews 50
Early dinner (later I will have 1 protein bar): more Indian spinach (saag). a bit too much of it - up to 3 cups, not sure 600 or so.
1950...yeah up-day I guess!....and then a bar. not low calories, but not bad calories. I guess you can say I gave myself a huge break this weekend with calories, but didn't splurge. maybe this is what I need more. With the short week, i'll keep doing what I think is best...
no exercise. did a few errands. glad to be home, it's snowing again...if I lose my appetite, i'll go to bed without the protein bar.
Just need to pick up a few things at the supermarket - fruit, eggs, rotisserie chicken...that may be it, actually! I may save the supermarket for Wednesday or contemplate skipping fully this week. I think today I may just go to the appointment & come back home. Really not in the mood for any extra errands....really!
Last night, I called my best friend coming back from my appointment at 5pm & spoke to her while I drove to get my dinner and then even talked while I ate dinner (which I specifically did NOT want to do bc it makes me eat more I have noticed, I wanted to have dinner without interruption especially the phone call...) and then even continued talking to her after dinner. TWO HOURS.
I do not like these long phone calls anymore. I think I overindulged on dinner last night because I was distracted on the phone and didn't plan out what I was eating well.
Dinner Calories could have been much lower. Also, today, even though I indulged early on, I am going to make a point to have a healthy, low calorie day. I am not impressed with my calories for this weekend. I am trying & the weight will stay on if I do not make changes. Only 1.5 months to go before wedding! wahoo!
Never wished him a Happy Valentines and obviously same for him to me...but we did text. and that's enough. He is going thru some things worse than me I think. I think he has anxiety in even thinking about dating. I just keep showing him my softer side though. I cannot imagine ignoring or stopping our texting. I can't do it to him or myself. We have a thing going & I want to let it continue. I have too many feelings for him to let it go.
Last night, after midnight and closer to 1am, I sent him a text thanking him for texting me first on Sunday. I had requested he do it (he's only ever - IN TWO & A HALF YEARS - TEXTED ME FIRST 1X..NOW 2X WITH VALENTINES DAY INCLUDED) for some reason, I needed him to text first. and he did. he didn't wish me a happy valentines, but he texted me. he is struggling.
I am supportive of the poor guy...I don't usually think of him this way, I like to think of him as successful and strong. anyways, I thanked him for texting me even though he was probably not so pleased to have to do it...and what he sent me was a photo of chocolate but it was very risqué and not something I can tell was authentically from him (his friend must have influenced him big time...)...and I said to him that I was forgetting about it, since I knew it wasn't fully him...and that's it.
I know he regretted sending me the chocolate photo (trust me, I don't think it'd be appropriate to give any more details now)...I know he regretted sending it because when I commented early yesterday morning he did text back trying to cover himself and reasons for sending it...I don't want any bad feelings between him & myself and that's why last night I told him that I am forgetting about it.
Oh, in case you ARE wondering what the photo was: a man's you know what, in dark chocolate, with white chocolate you know what at the tip....yes (so not exactly a photo of the real thing, but just as detailed in chocolate)....my guy NEVER suggests or talks about this kinda stuff. It's very off for him to send me anything like this. He obviously drank....and made a decision that wasn't fully his...his friend must have really influenced him...and I am feeling horrible that my guy feels even more HORRIBLE for sending it to me! :(
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
- Sunday Feb 14, 2016
Sunday Plans: mostly gym and also a facial later at 4pm which is good. better to get facials in the evening bc they put a special serum on your face at the place I go to that is for overnight. So the next time I would wash my face is the next morning. More healing time & better for results when I get facials in the late afternoon / evenings.
Took another sleeping pill last night. Slept a ton, but did wake up with a dry mouth a few times and cough during the night. Overall, getting lots of sleep & feeling good about this. I'll be over this cold by next weekend for my sister's Bridal Shower :-)
It's starting off pretty well on Valentine's Day. I got a text after midnight from "my man." Of course nothing is typical with us. We have a lot of opening up still to do with each other. Right now, things are definitely taking many turns it seems. All is...good I guess. So, we've texted. I just tried to call him, I think he's afraid to answer. Darn him. I just want to say "happy valentine's day!" not as lovers or in a dating relationship...by the end of today, i'll say it to him on the phone. no worries...
10:30-11:30 Breakfast: some seltzer and stevia, new brand of Kombucha 50 that seems "not strong enough" in terms of probiotics....we shall see. More kombucha 60 and a plum 50. Total here: 160.
bar 130, energy drink 20.
1pm lunch before gym (very late start before gym...will be a faster gym session, feeling very tired today...sleeping pill still hasn't worn off and it's 1:20pm!): oatmeal - but a special mix with coconut flakes and extra protein 160, almond milk 30, chocolate peanut butter 100, egg whites 30, big banana 150: 470. VERY FILLING...hopefully I can do this workout before the facial....gonna be a very FAST workout today.
after gym: bar 150
dinner: at least 750???
total today: gonna say 1750. good.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!