- Friday Jan 30, 2015
Def still had trouble maintaining any kind of content / happy composure at work. I realize I need to "power thru" and do better, which I am going to....
on a positive note, my legs are feeling better.
I went to a water aerobics class tonight for the first time at the pool. it was so much fun! and challenging, too! :) my left leg and even right leg did have a few cramps though....and I had to stop for a few moments...when doing certain moves in the pool...I guess I need more potassium.
have a great evening all...I am so happy it's the weekend :)
thanks for being my supporters, even when my own spirit waivers off...sometimes.... but it's the weekend, so i'm happy about that.
- Thursday Jan 29, 2015
one of the worst days ever. I was in a horrible mood and fully exhausted. tomomorrow should be a hair better.
4 hours sleep. 10pm-2am....just couldn't sleep. my blood is boiling. trying desperately to relax....long work hours do not work for me, at all. need to relax. anyways, I will have a nice weights workout shortly at the gym this morning :)
my body has been so out of whack that I've had "breakthrough" bleeding between my periods for 3 months. and this last period came at least 2 weeks late, and will last about 9 days when it's finally done - probably tomorrow, today is day #8. usually it NEVER lasts longer than 7 days. and it was heavier than normal in the middle instead of at the beginning. good thing I have a gyno appointment on Monday morning. that and a dermatologist...i'd say damn good use of a vacation day...I plan to have a nice workout that day, too. and that's 'bout it.
breakfast before gym since I felt I needed something - oatmeal and almond milk and a little sea salt and stevia 200.
- Wednesday Jan 28, 2015
worked 11 hours. just enough hours so that I don't get enough sleep tonight before the gym tomorrow..
calories around 1750, good.
- Tuesday Jan 27, 2015
Monday was around 2300. Good. We got out of work early around 2pm. My usual half hr or so commute home turned into one hour but that's MUCH better than some of my coworkers. Some of them - who live very far - may have taken 3-4 hours going home. I feel bad for those guys! Probably took the majority of the people a couple hours.
My dad was working in Manhattan and it took him a full 2 hrs just to get out of the city - and I think it took him closer to 4 hrs total getting home to Long Island - usually an hour or at most hour and a half commute! Felt bad for my dad. I hate it when he has these kind of stresses added into his life bc in general he is already far more stressed and busier than the average person. He doesn't deserve more stress when he could have tried to prevent it. He could have worked in queens today....not sure why he needed to work in the Manhattan office if it's so much harder to get home in inclement weather. I wonder if he had a meeting there. Sometimes I feel in the back of my head that he likes these sort of challenges...
Bc I got to my neighborhood around 3pm and I felt roads would still be sorta manageable later on, I went to the gym. It was a fantastic workout. Usually the gym is practically a 5-10 minute drive from my apt but since it was now around 5pm when I left the gym and the roads had gotten progressively worse, it took me a half hour to drive the usual 5-10 minute route. So glad my car is in its garage and I am going to relax at home all day tomorrow! Maybe I will do laundry, prob not...
Tuesday: Woke up around 2am-4am, so took a sleeping pill around 3am so I did fall back to sleep...went to bed extremely early even before 8pm since I was exhausted. I got around 9-10 hours sleep which feels amazing! lately my body wants to sleep more - probably because i'm also just getting back into exercising....and sleep is good for you, I may use the sleeping pills more on weekends, so that I can continue to sleep well on days off...
slept in till 8, breakfast: Maypo Oatmeal with almond milk, stevia, strawberries 300, greek yogurt with nut butter 300. total 600 yum
snacking: vegan protein bar (mostly fat and carbs) and broth with added turmeric 350,
lunch: sautéed veggies and chicken 400 or so, maybe more maybe less.
1350, good...wanting something sweet after lunch...maybe an orange.
total around 2300, healthy food.
Orange, chips, and another bar - more like a dessert 500. 1850 total before dinner - was planning sorta a low cal day, but instead I enjoyed the day and ate comforting food. I do feel good. I even did some extra laundry. Not really in the mood to cook up veggies, so will probably save that for another day! Just reading and I have been abnormally sleepy most of the day - must have been the sleeping pill I took around 3am.
- Sunday Jan 25, 2015
Plan: get some new shirts at old navy since I could use a few long sleeve shirts different from the usual ones I wear week to week at work ;), some food shopping (at two different places, one in morning & one in afternoon), maybe get nails done, and maybe walk at pool for around 20 minutes. the second two activities are not a must for today. I just realized, the pool is right near old navy....
so...I might as well go to the pool afterwards...but then again, i'm not feeling it. NO POOL today.
7:30am Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and cinnamon, strawberries, nut butter: around 500.
10:00am snack: protein bar and decaf coffee with stevia around 200.
11:30am snack: Nature Valley granola bar package of the 2 bars 200 (before pool & it was a perfect snack for it...i was happy & energized there). Lately, i allow myself more carbs - especially before / after workouts and i feel better. there might be a connection here. i know in general that carbs do have that effect on people.
1:30pm Lunch: turkey burger around 100 very small, on a wrap 100, with lots of roasted cabbage 250. around 500 i'd say. excellent.
1400 so far, great. i am doing good these days. ever since adding a bit more exercise into my days, even walking, it's been easier on the diet end (aside from my 1st week or so back to exercise when i wasn't fully there...mentally...)
2250 today.2400 today is prob more like it.
YES, I DID GO TO THE POOL :) ended up starting with the breaststroke slow and also some walking / jogging in shallow end. Legs were giving me all sorts of phantom pain - less, but similar to what i used to get. close to the 20 minute mark i decided i did enough for the day and left a tad bit early purposely, rather than forcing it till 12:30 on the dot. was fun at the pool. change of pace. and it's nice we are having a bit warmer weather than usual here in NYC. S
oon enough though, we are going to have a major storm Monday night into all day Tuesday. still, it's already close to February and we haven't had any bad storms all of December & January. amazing. The Spring-like weather has also had a very positive effect on my overall mood and motivation towards full mental healing. everything has gone well for me today and the weekend felt longer than it really was because I've been able to be more active & got many more things done than i was beforehand.
- Saturday Jan 24, 2015
Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and 3 tablespoons pb: 500
snacking: two plums around 80, some light broth with turmeric 20, greek yogurt 150
750, good...was gonna get coffee and protein drink before the gym but now i'm not in the mood for those things...
planning on a great weights workout at the gym, then picking up some tasty food and probably spending the rest of the day home. tomorrow I will probably go to the mall to buy some new clothing since I have a coupon to old navy & perhaps do a little walking at the pool (but may decide to put it off - the pool). I also wanna get my nails done & do some cooking. got the laundry out of the way this morning.
around 2350-2400. good.
exercise was REALLY good. great weights workout and ran into a neighbor at the gym from my building who I haven't seen in several months. spent extra time at the gym because I was also talking to him and some other folks. lots of fun!
- Friday Jan 23, 2015
Thank you all again. Here's something I wrote on Facebook....to share with the world haha...about what I went thru these past two years. I figured I would share it with you all too. I hope I don't sound too crazy. but it feels good getting it all out there. putting an end to this crap.....
It was basically a very challenging 2 year journey starting with a bad case of shin splints mid February of 2013. I am writing all this to get it out - maybe it'll help one other person out here on facebook or a friend of a friend. It's also helping me feel better, to put an end to what was a miserable two years.
I got shin splints a month before I moved into my apartment. It was a very stressful time with work hours, moving, and also trying to fit regular exercise in. I was doing it all, probably to the extreme. I was so excited to move here and walk / jog around, exploring the new neighborhood.
But that's not what happened. From mid-February 2013 thru March 2013, I was busy getting everything ready for the move, walking all around on weekends, store to store, my legs already in pain.
I was already in pain a full month. I wasn't resting them as I thought I just pulled a muscle. I continued to run on my legs for that month even though something was definitely wrong. Not an athlete growing up, I was practicing the "train thru pain," "no pain no gain," "warrior" approach....not smart in the least.
I ran till I couldn't run. I walked till I couldn't walk much. I cycled till I couldn't cycle. After about one month in my new place, April 2013, I couldn't do anything physical at all. I went to an orthopedist who simply said to stay off them....
Well, how would I park & walk the few blocks to work?? Would I really have to be so desperate and lazy to park in the crowded work lot? Really? No more extra errands? Not even a 10 minute walk?.... You got that right, I didn't full out comply with this doctor's orders. I didn't believe him when he stressed how dire the situation was - how I should NOT do any extra walking beyond the absolute minimum. That i'd need surgery down the road - if I didn't listen.
I wasn't taking off any days of work to rest my legs either. I was definitely trying my best to manage with the shin splints, still do some upper body weights workouts, get everything done.
After about a week or two of disobeying the doctor's orders for rest, my legs finally fully gave out. The pain was unrelenting. I was never in pain from anything (not even from having my wisdom teeth removed or the time I broke my ankle skiing) that compared to the horrible pain my legs were giving me. It was so bad, an enormous pain like sharp glass, like my tibias would break if I walked at all. It was still April 2013. And it happened after another weekend of thinking I could do just about everything.
Sunday came and I stayed home all day. Crawling like a baby around this place because I couldn't put the pressure on my shins. I know it sounds crazy, but the pain was too much for me.
Sunday, crawling around...Monday my dad gives me my grandmother's wheelchair and I stay home from work. Tuesday I go to another orthopedist that I was able to get a last minute appointment for...this dr recommended phys therapy....I ended up with a horrible 1st physical therapist. Only heat and massage, not much in terms of strengthening and stretching exercises. But I kept on with him because he was so close to my place and overall it was a rough time - so it felt like it was helping....and I was just thankful for that.
I even joined a pool, to learn to swim, to I could stay active even though I probably should have rested my body, completely, more early on. My legs did hurt a bit when learning all over again the freestyle stroke, backstroke, and the rest....
lots of pain....trying to push thru that summer 2013 to walk on the beach with my friend Christine....pushing thru to walk around the city with friends....always pushing thru. walking laps around nearby Queens College outdoor track when I thought i'd healed enough.
Fast forward....thru many months of physical therapy (7 months or so) at a great place, with a very supportive staff. It was my physical therapist who, close to the summer of 2014, suggested I take a break from everything for two weeks. I REFUSED. It was summer, I wanted to enjoy it with friends and family. go to the beach, go out on weekends! So I kept walking throughout summer. I wasn't sitting home during the summer....and then my birthday passed....it was time to stop everything physical, all exercise completely, take a BREAK. Went apple picking later September, that was the last straw.
I finally took a break starting October 2014. and took a break all the way through January 2015. Three months. RESTING. RELAXING.
....I am not sure when the pain really ended and I was healed in my legs.
What I do know is that anyone that suffers an injury bad enough, when it impacts their lives just enough, can also lead to undesired effects psychologically.
I know I am not crazy :) But can be pretty wacky at times...!!! :) But that's another subject unrelated to this particular story.
I will NEVER KNOW when my legs healed and the CHRONIC pain began. I'll never know because there was no difference in the type of pain I felt. There's tons of literature out there and that's what I plan on reading about in the next few months. Something to delve into, to learn more about now that I've realized this is what happened to me. It was a friend, more like just an acquaintance, of mine I know thru nutrition and fitness that pointed it out just this past Sunday.
Friends and family were always telling me i'd get better, but I didn't think they understood just how miserable I was feeling. My dad always said not to worry, that I would get better. It took someone that I wasn't as close with. Someone who could look at my situation in from an unbiased perspective. On Sunday, she said I should think about the mind-body connection. But that i'd have to be VERY openminded. She said there was a chance she could be wrong...but she had dealt with her own chronic pain when she was my age, 30 years ago...she's 60 now.
She went on to say that she couldn't believe I was already approaching two full years for the same injury. She suggested I read a couple books on the mind-body connection relative to physical injury by Author Dr. John Sarno. I ordered them on Amazon this morning.
Since Sunday evening, I have been thinking about what she said and putting it to use. When I feel any "symptoms," any.....I hate to say it even, PAIN, I tell myself: "NO, you are healed, there is no pain." and try to knock the thoughts out of my head. Pain and negative thoughts regarding it have been pretty ongoing, day after day, hour after hour for these past two years. So now i'm working to stop it. I've already had a great turnaround since Sunday evening.
I feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better. I still feel stuff (which I don't even like writing here but need to), but it's just my mind shooting down whatever extra chemicals they are (dopamine?) that's making me think I feel it. It takes a lot of focus and courage to continue reminding myself that it's not real pain. that I am physically healed.
So it's been a really crazy journey these past couple years and i'm so elated that I've reached this conclusion & that I can now move FOWARD. It's hard to believe that this continued for a full two years of my life.
I am overjoyed to start walking more....and more importantly, to enjoy my life to it's fullest!
Thanks to everyone here for your support when I was at those low points, so aggravated with myself and the condition I was in. Your kind words, encouragement, tips, and advice helped me greatly.
- Thursday Jan 22, 2015
will reply more to all of you on the weekend....thanks for all of your support, it means more than you'd expect. it means everything to me.
weights in morning, walk at lunch.
calories around 500-550 dinner
total cal around 2200, great!!!
- Wednesday Jan 21, 2015
She (BiscottiBody) is right, I just know she is.
I know I always need to mention work and my hours, so I will. I worked almost 12 hours. 8am till just about 8pm. I didn't know i'd be working those hours until the clock starting ticking. that is one of the things about my job that gets on my nerves.
but anyways, aside from that, I took a round a half hour walk at lunch. I guess I can say I am blessed to have been able to do that.
I was asking god why I was being punished a few entries ago. and now I thank god for watching over me. but then again, even considering all things more powerful than my own body and mind, in the end, and many times, it is truly how we think about life, how we manifest it in our hearts and minds, that leads us down the paths we take in life.
I did get very angry when I left work today. (I kept a positive and optimistic outlook even till the late hours while at work). but while walking to my car, I saw my mom texted me. I owe her money for car insurance (yes, i'm on their plan and it's cheaper to do it that way...). but I don't receive the bill and didn't know how much to pay. so she sent me a whole text about what happens when people don't pay car insurance and all that nonsense. she could have just told me how much...and not gone long-winded on me. I had lost my patience and started to scream into the phone how I just got out of work and that I wasn't in the mood for the nonsense. My mom has a way of getting people (not only me) to their last nerves. she doesn't have a lot of close friends (I don't either) but she also gets in major fights with close people and holds a grudge that never passes. so, that's about my mom. lluckily, after I sceamed, I hung up and she texted me to which I didn't return the text. enough with her. i'm not here to waste my energies on stupidity all night. ....thanks for letting me get that out here.
but I noticed a few times, my legs started to hurt, instead of letting them hurt, I told myself that "no, i'm not injured anymore." "mind over matter."
I am lucky for so many things in life. I have more experiences than many people I know - especially those I work with. I have had the opportunity to play with a great youth orchestra when I was in college in the summer and go on a month-long tour of Alaska, Hawaii, western Canada (Victoria, Vancouver), Seattle, & San Francisco). I have had the opportunity to teach BAND to HUNDREDS of students. yes, in only 3 years as a teacher, I probably taught around 500 DIFFERENT students in the private and public school systems. Oh, and all the lessons I taught privately. Sometimes i'd have more than 20 students per week, individually.
In a different group that I auditioned for, also in college, I had the honor of performing in Carnegie Hall 3 times that year with the group. One of my good friends, although I don't see her much because she travels a lot to other countries for jobs and also lives 2 hours away I met thru that orchestra. I am still friends with her, I think she is very unique and special. I am so glad I met her & continue to stay in touch. I see her at least once a year which sounds like nothing, but it's a lot. and I look forward to seeing more with her - because when we get together, it's for an adventure. :) it's for ACTIVE things. that's another reason I haven't met up with her as much the past couple years. but now I look forward to doing so. :)
I may have gone to college on Long Island, but I've been away from home plenty. I was a camp counselor, also around the first or second year of college, and met friends that I definitely stay in touch with from AROUND THE WORLD. I have "good" (I say that because we genuinely care for each other, and always hope the best and stay in touch, communicating about our life achievements and celebrations like babies and the like) in Australia, England, Whales. That's were my 3 friends from the camp live (the international ones). I am so lucky.
In college, I was sometimes lazy with my practicing. but still, I was able to perform a full SOLO recital for my friends. Not sure how I did it....but I actually performed two years...not even the one. I did stand up to the challenge. Many times, even when I didn't see it possible, I stood up to the challenge and followed thru to the end, sometimes with flying colors and sometimes not as well as i'd liked, but I've always risen to the challenge. I have never really failed a challenge. Really the only thing I have failed at in the past is this: keeping motivation. That's right. I have a tendency to get DISCOURAGED by others. Sometimes a little too easily.
And just perhaps, when I trained to hard & felt so much pain, it left my mind even more injured than my body. And I thought it was the end. But it's not the end. And it NEVER has been. People do reach their goals almost all the time. But you have to put not only the physical work, but the MENTAL work in!
After writing that last sentence, it just CLICKED in my head!!!!!!!
That's it, I've got it. I just realized what's been going on all along. IT'S NOT ONLY THE PHYSICAL WORK WE DO. IT'S THE MENTAL WORK.
YOU CAN WORK ALL DAY AND NIGHT AT YOUR JOB. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH. BUT IS YOUR MIND IN THE GAME. DO PEOPLE SEE THRU YOUR WORK, TO A PERSON WHO LACKS ALL SUBSTANCE WHATSOEVER? DO YOU PERSONALLY KNOW YOU LACK SUBSTANCE, LACK A PURPOSE IN LIFE? DO I WANT TO BE UNMOTIVATED TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL IN LIFE? WHAT DO I WANT? HOW WILL I GET THERE? AM I TRULY READY FOR WHAT'S AHEAD? OR AM I JUST SITTING BACK IN THE SIDELINES? AM I WAITING FOR A TRAIN / SHIP / WHATEVER THAT NEVER COMES?
WELL THE ANSWER TO MOST OF THOSE QUESTIONS IS A PROFUOUND NO.
I do know my purpose. Passion? well, I will have it once I get to the academy. I think that's more than fair. But I know my purpose. It's to be on the street, validating the law, and helping people. And it's to be a NYC cop.
I am going to reach that dream because it's MY DREAM. it's nobody else's goal that became mine. what I mean is, nobody told me to do it. I chose this. And I am full out motivated till the end.
I see it no other way.
I only pray to god to give me the continued health and strength as I, myself, reach for this goal this year.
I am not writing this entry as a joke or merely to fish for comments. I writing it for myself.
and if and when I reach this goal, that I once must have believed I couldn't really achieve, I may even write an article somewhere about my experiences these past two years & how I was able to forge ahead and in the end rise above what I thought I couldn't conquer. I thought I was very lost and hurt when really, for some of it anyway, it was in my mind.
This is how I am thinking now & I truly know it's got to be the way.
I am mustering all of my strength and courage together now so that in this year I will fulfill my own promise to myself to achieve the biggest, baddest, hardest, and MOST gratifying goal I have EVER had. and that's to become a NYC cop :)
1450 till end of workday.
1700, 1800-1850. good! half hour walk. :)
- Tuesday Jan 20, 2015
I wanted to thank BiscottiBody yesterday for writing such powerful comments. I've taken them to heart. I felt better all day today. I stretched in the morning, went to the gym as I planned for upper body weights and a little abs. I also took a HALF HOUR walk at lunch with the most minimal of "symptoms" and every time I felt something, I told my mind and body to stop thinking that way or I tried to concentrate on the music I was listening to. Thank god there are people like Biscotti here, people who can share their experiences and knowledge with us. That's what this site is about. All of you do this - I listen to all of your comments and I am so thankful for everyone's insight. There is not a single comment that I don't think about, take to heart, and consider. Just wanted to say thank you, to biscotti & to all of you...don't want to start listing names and then leave anyone out ;)
I did say 2015 was a new start. and it started quite well. and it's still January. and i'm making headway, and my symptoms are diminishing. I can't ask for more. I can just keep doing what i'm doing. And it feels once again really good to have made many good choices today.
Tomorrow's a new day and i'm ready for it. I may not take a walk at lunch, we'll see. Maybe a day off since I did it today would be better? Not sure. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Is taking another longer walk at lunch at bad idea right now? After not walking more than a few minutes lately? Anyone?
anyways, I went to the gym nice and early and it felt great to get that out of the way before work. I do carb load a bit afterwards, so that my sugars can be restored. Otherwise, I will not feel very good at work in the morning. I'd rather eat MORE after the gym than stick to my usual pretty low carb breakfasts.
Overall, I ate very healthy foods today. two cups coffee. one regular (more like 2/3 cup.) and one decaf.
looking forward to an earlier bedtime tonight.
Feels wonderful to come home after work :)