- Monday Jan 19, 2015
so today, I should "burn" around 400 cal of the excess cals I have been eating. that's good.
I did eat a snack today. no calories burned, but food was tasty!? including extra 650 in pure desserts from Burger King. and later, some frozen yogurt 300...and then hard core mac and cheese. like at least 1000? total: 2000 extra.
I don't know anymore. maybe fasting isn't the way to go. I am freakin scared that I am not going to recover....why me!? lately I feel more in pain...and i'm not even doing any physical activity! what the hel* is going on! really, I can't take it much longer. I am trying to be so positive, proactive, hence the rest of my entry below. but as I sit here full of crappy food and feeling bloated and fat, and unable to go outside for a walk because it will only bother my legs more...I cannot help but think that I will NEVER be better. I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying so hard. Taking anti inflammatories. Nothing is helping...............I don't want this to be the end of my life - end of a life without exercise, without good cardio, without the ability to walk around pain free. I won't accept this....it's terrible, I won't accept this. I can't.
I am 1 month away from this problem reaching the 2-year mark....GOD, can't you see that this is NOT what I want in life!? I want to overcome this, to be more, be better....move past this. I don't want to drop my dreams now. Please help me. I am begging you to hear me, to listen to my frustrations...to understand that I have suffered enough! Please help me. I want more than what I have now. I need more than what I have now. Never in my life have I been more worried about my health and abilities than I am now. I cannot continue to live this way.
I have suffered enough. I need your help above, please, help me heal. Help me move past this ongoing pain, day after day, each and everyday. I can't take it anymore. 23 months and it's enough. I vow I will not live a life in pain. I refuse. I WANT to be more active. I WANT to move. I WANT to be something quite the opposite of what I appear to be now. PLEASE help me.
If I cannot heal myself in this next year, you have my word, I will no longer be interested in living a life of pain. I will not continue this way. People suffer and there's no reason that I should have to continue to suffer life this. Why me. some people get sick and then get better. why can't you help me get better? people get cancer and they get better. I have tendonitis and it's stagnant and horrible. Nobody would even guess how much pain I have all the time. it makes no sense. it's horrible. it's like punishment for all the times I didn't try hard enough at former jobs. punishment for times I cheated at life. punishment for not achieving former goals. punishment for always requiring help to move ahead in life. PUNISHMENT.
well I can't deal with this punishment anymore. I am human just like everyone else. we all make mistakes. we are all imperfect. I accept it and don't even care to be perfect or anything close to it. I just want to be happy and live a life free of pain. Even at a desk job i'm in pain. Why can't I move on now? The pain has been long enough, it's made me stronger. But why do I have to continue in pain. It's a new year. can't I have a new chance?
Pain at a desk job....it's an oxymoron really. I tried so hard to get in shape while at my desk job for two years, that I completely hurt myself and have continuously suffered these past two years. 4 years at a desk job that I NEVER realized i'd have for this long. why me!? god please help me. please help me. I can't take this pain much longer.
I haven't been that impatient. in a month from now, I can't imagine being in the same place that I am in now. I need to move forward. and maybe you're right, it's not even moving forward. it's a change. I want this final career change. If I can heal 90% and stay that way even, I can be a cop...and not have to worry about finances and stability like I do now. I would love the ability to work with the public and operate in the manner that the nypd does.
god help me. why did this process of becoming a cop and getting in shape have to get so out of hand. so unreachable. so messed up for me. did I really do this much wrong that I need to be punished now like this!?
just like everyone else, I yearn for balance in life. I yearn to be able to be financially stable and independent. to not worry or ever need to depend on my parents again. I want to be able to pay for my parents to go on a cruise one day and enjoy themselves, for all the things they gave me - i'll never be able to repay them fully, but this would a start.
I am beyond upset over what has happened to me physically as well as financially / carrer-wise. I am not living the life i'd ever dreamed for myself. at least I have a job, yes, but other than that, I didn't think I would ever be in these predicaments. I am in a job that continuously tires me out and totally drains me. AND I WORK OVERTIME at it, which royally aggravates me even more. Of course i'd never dream of leaving the job, for then i'd need to get a new one. It's comfortable in the sense that I have a job...but other than that, each day I struggle to get thru it and struggle with my thoughts how I am going to improve my physical situation when most of my time is at this same office, doing too much sitting, no breaks, a stressful environment, no privacy. it's absolute torture when I think how I could have moved on out of it this past July, been in the academy.
I even had an opportunity to teach again, this past September. but because my legs were hurting so much, in the end, I declined the interview. it would be too much for me - after so many years not doing any music, to jump right in and especially with my legs having such problems as well. even walking around a building as a teacher would be difficult.
god help me. I was always little lost - needing direction from an outside source. but now, I am 32, my parents are getting older. they will retire in the next few years. god help me. please. before it's too late. it's not too late, yet. but please, I beg you, to hear me out. I want another shot.
I don't like being this lazy. I don't like the feeling of binging...and even more lately because I am home all day...please.
please help me, I pray that you will understand my point of view. that we all suffer, but it should not be continuous. two years. please help me.
and then Tuesday is normal eating day. I am going to have to approach weight loss differently it seems, in order to actually succeed. So far, I have been quite unsuccessful with all my fasting (bc it has mostly lead later on to overeating). At the beginning of fasting, like a few months ago, it worked...but now, fasting is growing old to me...and more difficult. not giving up, but I do need to change my system...
Right now i'm thinking about the NYPD & how it's a major goal of mine that I still see as happening. I don't want to give up on it, at all. I know it's not good to have a set timeline as when I think I'll be physical able to handle both the academy & the job because my body needs to physically heal at it's own pace. However, relatedly, I was reading something on facebook. It was an article about the elite athletes. Their training (of course they take ample rest, etc., ) But it also mentioned the mentality these superstars have. and it's basically this: they DO set high standards and goals for themselves, as well as timelines in order to achieve them. As much as I am not thinking about an established timeline to achieve my goal to be in the NYPD (I have up to 3 years more than I can put it off for according to the paperwork I signed), the other side of me just wants to get the ball rolling. I know it's not possible, but at the same time, I know that I want to think about it & not dismiss it totally from my mind. I am eager to be a cop & believe it or not, in many ways, I KNOW deep down that I am going to be one. I wish my legs would hurry up and heal faster lol, but patience is a virtue...
Things I am doing, in order to be healthier and happier, is rest more. In terms of work, instead of week-long vacations, I am spreading out my vaca and sick days so that it feels like I am taking more days off...and I have more days off spread over a long time, instead of just 2 weeks all at once. This is one of the things that I feel is going to help me recover most. I know I need my rest (and also mental relaxation from being at work day in and day out). Sorry to babble on about work, but it obviously takes up a big chunk of time in my life. This year I was lucky, in addition to 10 days vacation, 5 days sick, I also got an allowance for my jury duty day & 2 jewish holidays. So 3 extra days. total of 18 days. and of course there are also the federal / union holidays that we get. LOL, so looking at it this way, it can add up to quite a number of days! I just can't see myself taking a week long vacation and using up so many days right now, maybe in the summer, i'll split the 5 days and use 2-3 one week, and 2-3 another so that I have two short work weeks & two long weekends!...people seem to do that a lot where I work...
NYPD thoughts / possible long term goals:
First, I want to talk about my leg situation. The pain is definitely less, but then again I am doing relatively much less. I have not begun any cardio exercises yet. And my job is mostly seated for long periods of time. I don't run a ton of errands. When I do, it seems the pain is still there to a degree. The anti inflammatories help. I have started to drink more broth made using the bones which should help and I also have started to include a little bit gelatin / collagen into my diet...to help my legs. I still drink coffee and my diet is far from perfect, but I can say I am doing a little bit better with it.
NYPD usually has an academy class 2x per year: one in January, one in July. If my legs never had a problem (of course I can't truly think this way anymore with the "if this, if that's...", I would have already graduated by now from the July 2014 class! The academy is 6 months, then the new class enters. I would have already started working as a cop!
But that's not where I am at :) So time to refocus those goals of mine:
July 2015 is out of the question, legs still need more recovery. And honestly, January 2016 may be too soon as well. It's going to be a major challenge for me to someone regain my health (AND PHYSICAL FITNESS, especially cardiovascular) while continuing with this desk job. Desk jobs and physical fitness don't go hand in hand very well...And I am a bit unsure of how i'm going to actually succeed in reaching a higher degree of fitness.
One thing is clear though, I no longer workout after work. BEFORE work has proven to work better. Yes, I am very tired and it's definitely hours that need getting used to, but, the luxury of being able to come home and relax and have a normal meal after work is worth exercising starting between 5am-5:45am depending when I get to the gym. Seems that it works best when I start around 5:30am. I shower & change at the gym and then usually (lately) am craving something more sugary so I eat that along with a more decent protein / fat breakfast and go to work. seems this works best. I do have quite a bit more energy, especially first half the morning when at work, and I also find myself sitting up straighter and with better posture after my workouts.
I am going to wait a little longer, then start walking at the pool. (I am anxious about this, maybe bc I am not even sure if my bathing suits fit!?)...I am just anxious in general about cardio, especially at the pool. maybe I should buy a long-sleeved shirt on amazon (waterproof) to keep me warmer since I won't be swimming - rather walking in the 4' or so section.
I would prefer to enter the academy in Jan -16....and instead of removing that notion completely from my options, I am going to keep considering it. my leg thing might always include a bit more pain that the average person. maybe there's some irreversible damage surrounding the nerves? Either way, I'd rather think positively that January '16 is not out of the question...?? I wish someone / something could tell me if I could manage it then or not.
Well, if Jan '16 were possible, it means i'd have to start training for it come around June. So, I will keep an open mind and see how i'm feeling in the springtime.
And well, and if not January 2016, Summer 2016....boy does that feel like a long time away from now....but it's not, only 1.5 years. That time can fly, especially if things stay relatively the same at work. My boss is overweight and it sometimes scares me that maybe he will not be there as long as i'd like him to be - but, for now, everything is remaining pretty much stable at work which is a good thing, not a bad one.
If I enter the academy January '16, i'll be out of work even before December begins....
If I enter the force July '16, I'll be done with work maybe even a week or two before June hits.
No way will I work up until the academy begins! I will be both physically and mentally recharged and rested before I start that exciting chapter of my life....so, so, so excited to work in that capacity, for the NYPD....it makes my blood run faster and my heart beat stronger...knowing that one day, I will have this opportunity - so long as I continue to recover...and regain my health & fitness goals.
For those who don't know, I've completed almost the entire application process to the NYPD, even the interview, just need to do the physical fitness test (I put my application on hold right before it) and that's it. If I can pass that test, I would be accepted into the academy for training and into the police force. :) thinking about my dream to be a NYPD officer excites me and makes me happy. Knowing that it's not a dream that is squashed. It may be on hold, but it's still attainable. I need to continue to make good choices, more often that the bad ones - which tempt me. If I got into the academy, it would be a change in lifestyle, and a second chance at life.
Becoming an NYPD officer would make me happy...to do something I fully want to do - and no matter how challenging it may be, I am ready and willing to step it up to fulfill those obligations of an NYPD officer.
I just want to reach these dreams, I don't want it to be too late. The possibility is still there for me....now I need to muster up more courage and strength to finally make it happen.
The company I work for has a motto "We Make it Happen!" well, I guess I can use that motto in my personal life also.
I have changed my thinking quite a bit in January and it mostly works for me. I think more positively and it makes me feel so much better. I guess I'll just continue this way of living throughout the 2015 year.