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Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Aug 15, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

so i said what i said in my spiel about weightloss in the entry before.

BUT, i am still so lost with life. I honestly do not think i'm ever going to get out of my hole that i'm in.

I don't think I will ever be able to support myself and get a full time job. I really, really, don't think I can.

And at 27, turning 28, I'm pretty much on the verge of giving up on life.  The only reason I don't is because I am too afraid of the consquences of death.

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

moogy on 08/15/2010:
I think you need to go and speak to someone about how you are feeling. It really does sound as if you are depressed (I recognise the symptoms). If you do not have any spiritual or philosophical base on which to ground yourself life can be pretty tough. Please think about talking to a counsellor or psychologist, there is only so much we can do here. We can support your efforts and try to help but really I believe you need to speak to a professional. I hope you can get some support - you are asking for it by letting us know how you are feeling, lost, scared, desperate, in a dark hole you can't climb out off - I know these feelings because I have clinical depression. If you do want help your doctor is the first place to go - if you do, be honest with him/her about what is going on with you. I am feeling absolutely useless here typing away when all I really want to do is hug you and tell you that there is hope and there is something that can be done to help you feel better. All I can do is give advice and send love. xx

Donkey on 08/15/2010:
OMGosh, that's the same exact way that I feel!!!! The only reason I'm here is because I'm too afraid to die. Well, that and because I'm here for my kids. I have thought how awful it would be for my children if there was yet another "family secret" for them to have to deal with.

Listen, I think Moogy has a point, but let me tell you, I've done the whole therapist thing, and you know, therapy can only take you so far. My last therapist told me I was done, in the sense that I was "healed" and I'm still a total wreck. So I know that you know what you need to do if you start feeling dangerous to yourself. But unless you have great insurance or free counseling, I'd say save your money and save yourself. Because really, the only person who can change things is you.

This is what I think you should do: Keep up the job search. Expand your search area. In the meantime, volunteer at a hospital. You already do? Sign up for another one. And another, until you are just to the point of being almost too busy. Yes, do this. For one thing, it gets you in a hospital, so you can go to HR. You can see job postings. Perhaps you can speak with the receptionist, "Hi, I'm a volunteer, but I have a few questions..."

You are young, you're not tied down, you're reasonably healthy and attractive (very if you ask me - and no, I'm not gay). You don't have the constraints that I have, old with a name/reputation/record that is poisoned, a spouse, 2 kids -- all of these are burdens that you do not have to carry. I only see opportunity in front of you, no closed doors. Don't focus so much on that number. Age is relative at this point. As long as you look good, nobody cares how old you are. Don't compare yourself to others, unless it is to prove to yourself how fortunate you are.

Unfortunately, the economy sucks right now. That's the main problem, but it's the main problem in a lot of people's lives. I didn't realize this until we tried to rent out our old house (that desperately needs to sell). Let me tell you, things are bad with us, but there are a lot of people out there wishin' they were us, that's how bad.

So be careful not to blame yourself for things that are, in essence, out of your control.

lobster on 08/15/2010:
i feel exactly the same so often. i'm around your age and feel like i ahve done nothing with my life! i have received alot of support from those around me (therapists and doctors included) but still i struggle. i hear well what donkey is saying, but at the same time i also have been depressed (i am bipolar) and its a really scary place. if that is where you are at, you need to speak to someone who knows more than we do here! i agree with donkey and the idea of involving yourself in your community and volunteering, getting escape from our own heads really helps sometimes! (not that i'm always able to!) you can do this, things will come your way. just have faith and keep movig forward. do waht you can do for today and the rest will follow.

loveray on 08/16/2010:
hi HOP, im so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. i think it would be false to say that most people dont feel this way at some point in their lives. getting a job and truly being out of your own is a positively scary feeling!! but, facing the fears without the masks of food, parents, etc is so rewarding and so uplifting- once you get through the grips of fear. i often used to feel depressed every morning when i woke up when my mom was ill and i just felt like i was alone taking care of everyone. it was only until yoga teacher training that i truly had a "breaking open" of how precious and beautiful my and others lives are. it is such a gift and a miracle, by the way, to be walking around on this planet. all that said, is there something you could get involved in - where you would have a community, doing the things you absolutely love?? maybe it's a music community or a yoga community, but trust me, these people who seem to know the inner you give you so much more insight into who you are and then you begin to become content with truly being with yourself! again, it is a scary decision to ask for help, but if therapy and other methods are to stringent, i think you just really need to be loved and supported by those who know the real you and won't judge the real you. i love you! please contact me any time if you wish.

Moody3 on 08/16/2010:
You've gotten several perspectives from the ladies, and I have to agree with certain things each one says~So I don't have much else to add~Except know that you are not alone in your feelings~I am glad you opened up here, because it's important to get these things out in the open~I hope you have someone in your "real life" that you trust enough to open up with also~It's cathartic and healing to get these things off your chest~

Take care and God bless~

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Aug 15, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

****I have NOT binged since Wednesday****

****I will NO longer binge***

***I will be able to eat around 2,000 per day and be satisfied without extra binging***

***I can and will lose weight again, and become what I want of myself***

***My friend's wedding is in January, her bridal shower in October, I would like to weigh 125 come October***

***I still weigh 140 right now, for which i am THANKFUL, so much binging lately, so little weight gain comparitively. For this I am VERY lucky.  I am lucky I have been able to exercise, too, so that the weight gain hasn't been more.***

This is going to be a challenge, but I need to lose weight, and I can do it again.  I don't have a desire right now to be very skinny. I would rather be fit right now.  I would like to show off the MUSCLES that I HAVE already. Especially my arms. I have been lifting weights for a whole year practically, non-stop. And I have arm muscles, but they are not apparent, bc I have a bit too much weight on my arms and body in general. Even to be 129 will be a godsend. I haven't been below 130 since summer 2008. That's two years.

Weight Gain. My weight never went above 115 for many years. From when I was 20-25 I was always under this number.

When I turned 25 and got a job I didn't really felt amounted to much, despressed about many things, I started to gain weight. I gained about 10 lbs I believe. Was never about 130, I don't think, when I was 25-26.

When I turned 26, again I was around 125. By Springtime, I was about 140 something I think! 15 lbs gained while going back to school. Then, by 27, I was once again around low 130s.

I am now turning 28, and in this year, I have put on what I lost last summer again. I was doing good, then got depressed in April,May,June...studying for this exam, and put on these last few pounds.

A goal to get back to 125 sounds good to me. Toughest part will be getting through the 130s.  It seems daunting because I haven't been 129 for several years now.

I am happy I have muscle, thankful I have done weight training. I will NEVER stop, as long as I can help it. I like weight training. I CAN DO 20 PUSHUPS AT A TIME!

If feels good to be strong, not just skinny. I don't really want skinny. I love having muscle in my arms and a strong back. But I want it to be seen! I want people to look at my arms and back and see my efforts from the gym.

I want to be noticed by guys. I want their attention. I want them to look my way.

Guys are NOT noticing me right now. I do have extra pounds and I don't look my best. I want them to notice me for my appearance, just as any woman would.

In some ways, I'm ready to grow up now. To make some better decisions. I don't really speed when driving anymore. And I'm starting to think more like an adult. I am trying not to drive with my music loud and windows down. LOL.  I'm trying to live a more organized, calmer (in terms of making good decisions) life.

I really would like to lose this weight because I KNOW i'll also feel better. If I don't binge, it should come off rather easily...and I can't binge anymore, I really can't.

Before my body takes revenge on me for the years I've stuffed everything in, I need to let my insides relax, recover, and not work them so hard!

So, here's to starting over. The second time. And losing weight, a second time.

I do not want to be someone who is on a "diet" constantly throughout life. I want this to hopefully be the last time I have to lose SO MUCH weight. Aside from perhaps pregnancy.

It really is looking like a tremendous task. But I am ready for it, now.

(also need to get a full-time job...)


Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

cleaneating on 08/15/2010:
You go girl!

moogy on 08/15/2010:
Hey, HOP, it sounds like you are back. I am very pleased that you have turned a corner and are firing on all cylinders. You stick with it and you will succeed.

just42day on 08/15/2010:
Your goal seems realistic and I'm confident that you will hit it with your determination!

V on 08/15/2010:
Yay!!!! She's back :) I am so glad you made a turnaround

loveray on 08/15/2010:
wow!!! this entry is a keeper. so happy something inspired you. good lyck on your journey. we are here to support you. xoxo

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Aug 15, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

Sunday....less planned, going to the gym for weights later, also some cardio on the bike, i think...

breakfast: was a bit early, 400 in oatmeal, milk, pineapple 2% greek yogurt chobani

late morning snack: large peach, sucking candy, klondike bar: 350

tsf: 750. not bad at all.

snack throughout my weights workout for 1.5 hours at the gym: med iced decaf coffee with skim milk and 4 equal - 100 cal.

late lunch: biscuit w. egg white :-) 300, red pepper 40, some cucumber 10, some cherries 40: diet coke, around 400 here...oh, and some bran, so like 440.

tsf: around 1300 so far! excellent.



exercise: weights for about 1.5 hours at gym, bike outside.


Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

cleaneating on 08/15/2010:
Enjoy your day :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Aug 15, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

Saturday was a great day. went to the beach, Fire Island. Was with friends most of the day. no more than 2200, for sure!


Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Aug 13, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

snack: 3 candies 70.

breakfast: large peach 80, oatmeal w. milk and peanut butter 350: 430.

lunch: tomato 40, small turkey sandwich: 240: 280, and cole slaw 80

tsf: 860....then out for a walk and then to the library....to have a good read, bc i don't see myself in a mood to sit home and practice my instrument right now or later.

3pm snack: protein bar and iced coffee 240

early snack at 5 before dinner: green beans and almonds 160, with tofu 90, and cucumber 30: 280

tsf: 1380, pretty ok.

late dinner out at diner: probably a BLT and a diet coke.

out at bar tonight: light beer is the plan, up to 2 bottles.

total cal: around 2200, good.

exercise: over an hour of biking, walked around 4 miles as well. and then out tonight.


Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

loveray on 08/13/2010:
have a wonderful weekend - love to you!!

moogy on 08/13/2010:
I hope you have a good weekend HOP. Lots of love, Sending you love.

hollybelle on 08/14/2010:
I see you ride your bike. I love to ride. Just getting back into it since an accident where I twisted my back very hadly last AUGUST! I'm not up to par, yet, but riding fairly hard for an hour. Odometer broken so not sure on distance, really. It's been too hot most days here (dangerious heat - upper 90s with humidity) so unless it cools down a bit around 8 o'clock I can't ride most days. I am planning a trip to the Little Miami Bike Trails in Ohio in October 100 miles of paved flat road only for bikes and walkers/runners through quaint little towns that love bikers. Can't wait.

V on 08/14/2010:
Good job today! You seem like you are getting back to your happy self :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Aug 12, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

pb sandwich for breakfast: 550?

snack: crackers 200, pb 150, cherries 50

tsf: 950

lunch: actually, healthy chicken and pepper but a lot. 500


snacks: lots of jolly ranchers 250? and a protein bar 230 = 480, or we'll say 500

total: 1950, good.

really gotta start losing weight though.

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

just42day on 08/12/2010:
Hope your day is going well!

moogy on 08/12/2010:
I am sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. I hope that you can figure out a way to get back to healthy eating for a few days in a row. Lots of luck and best wishes.

V on 08/13/2010:
Quite the improvement! I know you can do it!!!

Donkey on 08/13/2010:
Have you given any consideration that this might not be a good time for you to lose weight? Alls I'm saying is, make sure that you are mentally in a good spot to take on this endeavor. Otherwise, you may be setting yourself up for failure and a downward spiral of bingeing.

I have only concern and warm wishes for you.

Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Aug 11, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

Breakfast: cherries 100, ice cream 500, pb sandwich 400. = 1,000 fine.

had some sort of phone interview...not even a stressful thing, actually, today.

and i binged like mad afterwards.

probably around 4000 cal so far, it's 2pm.

probably around 5500 today.

fast food again at night. i feel like i just want to give up.

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

just42day on 08/11/2010:
Actually my b'fast was yummy - scrambled w/peppers, onions and lc cheese. I added Italian seasoning to it and that really added a nice flavor. You still have me beat w/your ice cream b'fasts though. Nothing beats ice cream. :)

moogy on 08/11/2010:
Not a good one HOP, sounds like you were feeling really down. I am sorry life is suckky at the moment - I hope that you can work your way around the difficult stuff and find a way to set a goal for yourself. I am sending lots of hugs.XXXXXX

V on 08/11/2010:
I was just checking in with you to see if you were feeling better than last night. Are you still feeling sick?

Donkey on 08/11/2010:
Telephone interviews are MOST difficult. I had one once and did not do well, and hence, did not get the job, but was honored to be selected in the first place. You are so hard on yourself.

V on 08/11/2010:
Please don't give up! It is still time to turn this thing around! What is going on with you girl? Come on you have to take control! Is there something we can do to help you?

loveray on 08/11/2010:
never give up!! hang in there lovely lady. you are worth this and so much more!

just42day on 08/11/2010:
Sorry you've had a rough day. We've all been then. You can get through this. A lot of us currently DREAM about weighing 140 so DO NOT GIVE UP. I know it's easier said than done, but try to put today behind you. You can't change today but you CAN change tomorrow and I know you CAN do it. We're pulling for you!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Aug 10, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

evening edit: feeling tired and sick.

breakfast: plums and ice cream 340.

snack: plum and light drink: 40.

lunch: 2 yogurts (one greek) mixed w. oatmeal type of cereal and cup and a half of unsweetened vanilla almond milk! 420.

snack: bar 220 or so, from starbucks. granola/nut/fruit.

dinner: wrap of egg white and spinach from starbucks 300

at home: salad 80, a tomato 40, a red pepper 70, a cucumber 40: 230

and i was so full, but had ice cream 500.

total food: 2050. overal total is nothing to complain about!

exercise: strenuous bike ride in the AM. not sure why i'm feeling so tired and sick. i think it's still test after effects or something. i've been stressing today about if i want to teach or not the rest of my life.

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

loveray on 08/10/2010:
sounds like you are having some great days as of late! super happy for you. xo

just42day on 08/10/2010:
Seriously, I want to join you for your ice cream breakfasts. How refreshing - especially on these hot, humid days. Hope your day continues to be a great one!

V on 08/10/2010:
Have a great day HOP

geevee on 08/10/2010:
What a tasty way to start the day!

geevee on 08/10/2010:
What a tasty way to start the day!

moogy on 08/10/2010:
I hope you have a successful day HOP.

just42day on 08/10/2010:
Hope you feel better. If nothing else, a Wednesday ice cream breakfast should be soothing. :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Aug 09, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

EXERCISE: HARD elliptical for a little over an hour!!!! i was soaked afterwards!

day one of better calories. perhaps not healthy ones, but that will come with time. i'm enjoying eating the pleasure foods right now...

breakfast: ice cream 250, bran and almond milk 100: 350

snack: iced med coffee 100, jolly rancher sucking candies 70

lunch: biscuit w. egg white and cheese YUMMM. 430...and couple slices of my bran inbetween the sandwich to make if filling. so, like 30 more.

tsf: 1,000 = GREAT. (you can eat bad things and still have low calories....and the bad things certainly satisfy me more...) these foods don't have a lot of health benefits, but that's  not what i'm looking for at this time!

snack: ice cream 250

snacks: vegetables 100.

dinner: biscuit w. egg white, yogurt: 450.

total today: 1800 = fantastic!!!!!!! :-)

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

KathyBlue on 08/09/2010:
well, one has his/her stages in life, you're having a serious ice-cream stage here, but no problem with that unless you stop exercising which you won't because you just love it, heheheh! :)

moogy on 08/09/2010:
No, I am sorry but I can't take those jolly ranchers seriously now!! You are making me crazy with the ice cream - it is too cold to eat it here at the moment but I hope you will be "looking for something else" come summer!!!!LOL

V on 08/09/2010:
Good workout!!!!

Bikiniwax85 on 08/09/2010:
Hey sounds great!! uh.. I love almond milk!! I love the smell! Good one! :)

hollybelle on 08/10/2010:
An HOUR on HARD ET! Woo - you the WOMAN!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Aug 08, 2010
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

Hey all. Lots of my stresses are gone now. I have taken and passed my Xray exam! woo-hoo!

Breakfast: ice cream (but we still gotta indulge...after all, total calories aren't bad) 250 and fruit 100

early lunch: yogurt and oatmeal: 350

snack: 2 jolly ranchers 50

tsf: 750 good.

lunch:tortilla 150, tofu 170, tomato 40, yogurt 120: 480.

1230 :)

snack: cherries, later a granola bar: 250 total

dinner: yogurt, red pepper, tasty thick big flatbread: 600 at most.

total: 2080. fine day, fine day!


Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

just42day on 08/08/2010:
Great news on the Xray! Congrats. Ice cream b'fast is well deserved!

loveray on 08/08/2010:
SO happy for you- love you!

hollybelle on 08/08/2010:
YAY! Way to go, HOP! Good for you! I knew you would pass!

moogy on 08/08/2010:
I am interested to know what jolly ranchers are and I have meant to ask before what is tsf, I am OK with blt but can't work tsf out, I know I'm nosey but please oblige me!!

V on 08/08/2010:

moogy on 08/08/2010:
OK, thanks, now I feel like a real idiot, I am going to claim a senior's moment!!! LOL

Donkey on 08/09/2010:
Not only did you pass but you did really well. I think you are very hard on yourself and that leads to bingeing.

Now that you have passed, and quite well, don't you think that some of that eating was ridiculous?

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