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Horn_Of_Plenty - Sunday Oct 05, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0



i can hardly type this i am soooooooo pissed...........;.!! Q

i am so angry. you have no idea. my freakin parents think that i lie at every point that i can. i cannot deal i cannot deal i cannot deal.;asldd

my sister and i got earrings for our birthdays. i want to throw mine out. i literally put them in the garbage. however, i'm taking them out now and giving them straight back to my mother. i don't want ANYTHING from this woman. no gifts. every again. she is suuuuch a terrible person.

i am not looking back at this moment, but thank you to the person who said to me not to expect favors when i ask. i cannot believe i could have FORGOTTEN that my sister DOESN'T do favors for me. never has and never will! why am i so stupid as to think she would this time around! why!?!?? how could i forget that!? and how could it also slip my mind that my mom is a judgemental incredibly negative ...... you insert whatever terms sound good there. and my dad, he's good and all, but boy is he sadistic. to think that i would intentionally lie and clean up my room and then leave another room a mess. i would never be soooo incredibly deceitful. long story. i won't even go into it. but if a person always thinks the negative of every situation, that's just incredibly not helpful at home.

i cannot take it. my mom LOVES to get my dad angry with him. she hounds him. and i can't take it.

i wrote out a 300 dollar check and put it with the earrings i got for my bday on my mom's dresser. i cannot look at them. and they were sitting in my garbage 5 minutes ago. to me, they are worth NOTHING. there is nothing i want from a person who does not love me for me. i canoot take this anymore. i am stressed beyond belief. and to top it all off, with a little vanity, my face is all broken out. i was embarassed at today's funeral looking how i do. i am sooooooooooooo sad, so angry, so upset. i have a horrible mother who i do not love. she is tooo judgemental.

after the funeral she had to repeat and reiterate a thousdand times how this freshman in college who did most of the family's speaking at the funeral was " so vain" because he discussed his looks and how he wondered why he was so good looking - bc of his grandfather. to me it was almost funny because he's still so young so maybe that's what a guy his age thinks about. i don't know....but i can say that it was great that he did talk on his grandfather's behalf. not everyone is smart like you - mom - and can write an awesome speech. BUT, at least these people attended their parents funerals, unlike you, mom! that's right, mom. you don't even associate with ONE person from your side of the family. you are the loser. and nobody else. you are the one that shuns people out. you are the one that sets the example of not communitcating with me or anyone else. you are the one that doesn't give an ounce of your time when people ask it of you. you are that person. you are the one that should be critiqued and judged and made to feel like shi-. that person is you.

i feel like crap.

if i last till friday, that'll be amazing. i think i'll be a zombie at my friend's wedding on saturday if i keep going to sleep late this week. as if last week wasn't enough.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

anewhb on 10/06/2008:
HOP sorry for the family drama. There comes a time when it's just hard to live with parents - much less all the sibling dramas. Even when everybody DOES get along and love each other. What's up with the job in the hospital - what's bugging you about that? I didn't seem to pick up in your last three posts what was difficult about adjusting to hospital life - I only worked as a nurse aid when I was in HS so that's my only reference point to working in a hospital LOL please excuse my lack of understanding there. Can you come up with a plan - like save as much money as possible now and move out? Even if it's a very small apt or something with just the basics necessities? Would you be happy on your own? Personally, I was never so happy as when I first moved out of my parents house - even though I didn't have anything hardly at all - not even a sofa! I had a card table and 2 chairs, a cedar chest, a mattress and some sheets and towels, some kitchen stuff like pots, pans and dishes, silverware. It was great. No TV, either! Then I got a roommate and that wasn't so good, either. I did better on my own - sanity wise! I'm so sorry your family is not there for you. It kind of sounds like everyone has their own agenda around your house. I read in your post a few days ago where you said you were feeling "needy". That's a bad feeling. I hope things are better soon. Come back and post tonight so we can see how you are doing later. Take some deep breath and say - this too shall pass. It will, you know. Love, hollybelle

Donkey on 10/06/2008:
I don't think I could say it better than HB (see above). Everything she said, including wanting clarification on the job/school/hospital.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, feel your pain and want to send you all the support in the world. I'm so very sorry. I hope you are feeling better today...

We gotta get you outta that house!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Oct 04, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

breakfast 1/2 banana w. pb: 240

snack/early lunch: kiwi, 2 eggs on slice wheat...and a banana 420 (banana wasn't necessary)

late snack: healthy stuff...500 approx.

dinner: package veggies, 1/4big avocado, 1/2 block tofu, red pepper approx. 420

dessert: greek yogurt with sf jelly and cinnamon. 120

total: 1700 pretty good.


Late saturday evening:

i'm really upset now.

i cannot stand living here right now especially tonight as my sister is sleeping over. i got a movie (at first for me) but then realized everyone was home so i mentioned that i rented a movie to my dad whenn i got home. and pretty much let my parents and sister do their thing because i had already eaten dinner. i didn't mention it again bc it seemed my parents were doing their own stuff after dinner.

i asked my sister to simply "test me" on some of my flashcards that i know well for a test next week and she said "no." i got really pissed because i didn't think she would actually deny me that favor.

my dad has explained to me that i am totally wrong and that i shouldn't expect people to always say yes when i ask a favor of them. so, i am in the wrong.

i thought that especially since i picked up the movie, my sister wouldn't have a problem going over the words with me. but she very much did.

and, even though i flat out told my dad i got a movie, he says i didn't tell my parents and i only do what i want to do when i want to do it.

i am fat, pissed off, and angry.

i want to know if you have advice for me on this. and if it is true that i should not expect favors of anyone even if i ask them. bc i may just not be seeing things the right way and if that's the case i need to know so that i don't make the same mistake again.

i am confused right now and annoyed. and i really don't want to watch a movie with people who tell me i am wrong.

and, lastly, my mom right away took the side of my sister. my sister ran down to my mom and once i stepped in the room, i was being told how irrational i am. I really do NOT appreciate the asshol- commentary that my mom gives me on a daily basis. i serisouly do not like how she treats me. i am sick of it. and now is one of those times when i hate living at home. i hate the temptations to be lazy, the extra unhealthy food, the annoying mother, and everything else.

if this entry sounds immature, i maybe so.

i really don't know anymore.

i have dealt with change for this will be my 5th year in a row and all these changes (especially getting used to working in the hospital) are driving me crazy. it is very hard for me to get acclimated with this xray job (although i realize it's NOT a hard job) and i am as frustrated about practically everything in my life as can be.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/04/2008:
I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

selina on 10/05/2008:
Hi HOP! Thanks for your note in my entry. I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time with your sibling and feel that the whole family is ganging up on you. I feel that you shouldn't have to live this way, but I also feel that what you are going through is pretty normal. In a perfect world sisters would always be nice to you and help out when asked, and parents would always be fair, understanding and supportive of all our wishes and whims. As we all know, life is not perfect ... I'm glad that you get to vent your frustations in your diary. I hope you 'll have a better day tomorrow. And good job on the studying and knowing your flash cards well - you are a good student!

sleeepy on 10/05/2008:
I really need to read up on your entries. When I was starlight you were one of the ones I read on a regular basis. We both took A & P at the same time last semester, and I just read that you are now working in a hospital. I guess as far as advice on the family situation and you asking for help with things, I wouldnt be able to give you any advice because I dont know the tone of voice of how you ask, or if you ask her when she's busy, or even how you respond to her no answers. I definitely need to catch up on your entries. You know what my boyfriend flat out refused to do for me the other day? Ok, he's a smoker so I wanted to practice listening to his lungs through my stethoscope. I put it up to his chest and asked him to take deep breaths and he just kept saying "no" wtf? was that really a difficult favor to ask? that really irritated me. He wouldnt help me out either when I was in my CNA program. I wanted to practice transfering dead weight from a bed to a chair and he wouldnt let me. I mean, the boy was doing nothing but watching tv. Anyway, sorry, I kind of made this comment about me. I'm going to catch up on your entries and comment more later.

sleeepy on 10/05/2008:
by the way, how did you end up doing in your anatomy and phys class?

loveray on 10/05/2008:
i know how frustrating it can be to have expectations of others: most of the time when we do have these expectations, we are (most unfortunately) let down. i know it seems counter-intuitive, but this subject requires only something you can do which is to dig-deep and love yourself: get to know what is actually going on for HOP. when you do have these issues come up, try to let these people know lovingly how much these gestures would mean to you: if they deny you, you must let go lovingly as well. it's so hard, but in the end this comes down to self-love, self-care and self-respect. i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. xoxo

Donkey on 10/05/2008:
First I want to say that I am so impressed that you are strong enough to question whether you are truly irrational or if there is another perspective on this. You see, if this had happened to me, I would have just accepted that I was the wrong one, I was irrational, I was (insert negative adjective) here. Because that is the doormat that my family thinks that I am.

I have to say, right or wrong, rational or otherwise, I have learned from similar experiences and reactions NOT to expect ANYTHING supportive from family members. It just leads to hurt and disappointment on my part, which is only toxic to my state of well-being.

So I'm NOT commenting on your reaction, because I do not know how pissed off you were, what was said, etc. But I would rather comment and say that you were probably in the wrong in EXPECTING anything positive from your sister. She seems, from what I gather from past entries, to be the oil to your water. So why should this time be any different? Right?

I want to encourage you to reach within yourself to find some inner strength. You are in or at an incredibly stressful time in your life: new direction in life, new classes, different type of work, toxic home environment, not optimal physical health. Bingeing will not serve you well to build up your health (both mental and physical), so I want to encourage you to FIGHT to stay away from that kind of behavior.

I would encourage you to find some kind of sanctuary, whether it be your room or a cafe or a place outside (although not good for night or cold weather), where you can go and feel safe, on your own, relaxed, decompressed, etc. A haven. You may not have your own place to live right now (which I still feel would be the ideal situation for you), but you can have your own *space* where you can go when all this toxic stuff in your life hits you in the face!

WI3 on 10/05/2008:
I echo what Donkey said. Don't expect anything from anyone but yourself. And stop trying to make things 'right' in your home relationships. I know you love your family, I love mine as well. And I got caught in this cycle with MY sister of me trying to get her to like me and do things with me..and despite my best efforts, she was downright rude, pushy and hateful towards me. I don't think she did it on purpose, I honestly think there is something inside some people where if they feel you feel they are 'better' than you or somehow they belong in the family more, that they tend to pounce on the one that seeks their approval. So, one day when my sister was ranting and raving at me on the phone, I hung up. I didn't get all wild and crazy, I did something different and just walked away from her. I didn't talk to her for months. It wasn't because I was trying to teach her a lesson or anything..it was that I reached a point in my life where I realized that I don't have to take that kind of treatment, NO MATTER WHO is dishing it out. I realize that it is even more difficult for you because these are the people you live with..but there is a way to assert your independance without just shutting people out. Talk to your parents and see if you can pay a little something towards rent or bills. Yes, I know you are struggling financially, but if you were out on your own you would REALLY be struggling And your parents might be well off, but that still isn't any reason not to contribute. Even if they say you don't have to, I would anyway. Even if it is $20 a month or something. SOMETHING is better than noting and it shows that you are not only taking charge of your personal life, but you are strong enough to want to contribute as an adult. If that isn't something they want from you, if it offends them....find ways to do other things that are singular (not doing the house cleaning or typical chores) and unique to you. As much as I HATE being the only person who cleans the bathroom at my house because my brother is a lazy slob...if I don't clean it, it doesn't get clean. And yeah, I reserve the right to be royally pissed at him..but in the end I clean it because I ENJOY having a clean bathroom.

Maybe at the beginning of the week ask your family if you can bring home a movie and some popcorn and have a family movie night. Tell them that because it is your weekend, that you would like to schedule some time with them to reconnect. That way YOUR time is defined as YOUR time. Say that you would like to take a break from studying or work or whatever...not just "Hey, I'll pick up a movie on Friday" simply because you all live in the same house. Despite the fact that you all do live together, that doesn't mean that you can't have your own identity. Sometimes though, you have to help define that identity by establishing parameters of your time.

And yes, you CAN ignore your sister. She obviously doesn't think she needs you around..so ignore her. Say "Hi" or "bye" or whatever, but don't seek her out. Not because you aren't punishing her..but because YOU don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you. Let HER come to YOU if she wants to establish time together. Be mysterious with your time, be polite, be helpful, do the things that you need to do at home..but don't hang on them or expect them to accept you. The best way to get others to accept you is for you to accept yourself.

And by all means, GET PISSED OFF!!! There is nothing wrong with being angry and letting it out. It is better than eating that anger any day. Hang in there!

grumpy on 10/05/2008:
Hey girl, Sorry for all the family drama. My advice is that it's pretty 'darn' (as Palin would say) difficult living with family and getting along. I get along with my family much much better ever since I got out of their house. So if you think there's no way you can do that while in school, try to do your own thing. avoid conflict, i don't know. hard to tell when i don't know much what goes on between you guys. it does sound like you're right and they're talking nonsense. but maybe also there's something you are doing that you can make better to get along better, i dont know. you have to think about it and analyze. how old is your sister?

I agree that it's good not to expect a lot from others, but i like having faith in people and expect favors and understanding from them. but of course you have to deserve it too (which does seem to me you do). xoxox

Horn_Of_Plenty - Friday Oct 03, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

around 3500 today.

so i have a funeral to go to tomorrow which means no yoga. and i've chosen not to go to yoga today. I need to study now because i don't want to do it tomorrow, last minute. i'll probably walk before noon - maybe. otherwise, i'll go to grandma and walk with her and go to the gym tonight. no clothes for temple. not buying any. last time i bought them, i returned them after my grandfather's funeral bc there eneded up being damage to the shirt and the store actually took it back. oh well. whatever.

this funeral is for a parent of one of my mom's friends. my mom is in her 50s and all of the parents of my mom's friends are very old.

breakfast: good. challah, banana, pb: 550

snack/too much: chocolate chip pound cake and peach: 700

11:45 lunch: more cake 600

lunch again with family: huge bagel and whitefish spread: 600

total so far: 2450.

dinner: i should stick with salad and tofu.

movie tonight.

i recently watch a good movie: one hour photo with robin williams.


Friday evening:

i am scared about this new field i am in. i know i am VERY capable and that i really shouldn't worry. it's hard not having money. but all of this will eventually settle out. but this sucks right now, especially not being able to move out and become an adult. i feel very needy because of this and life is a bit confusing. tomorrow is another new day and all i can do is look on the positive. no yoga bc that will just frustrate me so i'll either walk a long walk or go to the gym. i have a wedding next week...haha, i thought i would look great. now my goal is to look good (and care about my body and health) and have it show come mid december. i know weight loss isn't the cure for my emotions but if i start caring it'll help with everything else going on in my life. time to care a bit more, again, another attempt. hopefully a better one. i forget what my stomach looks like UNBLOATED as it's been this way for over two weeks...


before leaving work calories: 1100

DD egg white flatbread: 300

mcdonald's med fries:400

taco bell crunchwrap: 600

DD oatmeal cookie: 500

pound cakes, chocolate, pretzels, challah bread: not a clue, but a lot! 1,600 at least

4500-5000 calories depending.

3 mi walk.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

grumpy on 10/04/2008:
hey girl, i wish i was eating that healthy, what happens is that when the night comes, i overeat and i drink. i am about 4 pounds up. just waiting on this TOM to go away so i can weight in and go from there. i dont know.. i still think there's a way to go off and live by yourself, so many students do it. you just have to find a house that has a cheap room for rent or something... i wonder if that would make your binging better. i don't know, just something to think about. i care a LOT about you. I think you're a wonderful, smart, talented young girl and you deserve the best. xo :)

WI3 on 10/04/2008:
You are perfectly normal. And not alone. Found this link for you, relax and know that you are doing what is necessary right now..and as long as you keep moving forward, eventually you will be able to move on. Take care.


mcwoo40 on 10/04/2008:
Hiya,I'm in binge mode,feeling out of control again.What shall we do hey,tomorrow's another day,Julie

selina on 10/04/2008:
Hang in there, HOP! You can do it!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Oct 02, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

i will still take a walk later tonight...

binged after work...dumb!!!

breakfast: 320 banana, pb, tofu,sandwich.

snack: pb sandwich 300

lunch: indian microwavable food, fruit: 510

snack(s): 2 ounces wheatgrass 20, gnu fiber bar130, peach50, cereal and milk300, cookies200: 700 ....

estimations on calories: 2 chocolate and mini m&m covered pretzels 400, nuts 200, challah (1/4 loaf)600, apple crisp 400, ravioli w. cheese310, banana110...2020 (hopefully not more as it definitely could have been more...)

ehh. 4,000 calories today. dumb and dumber. i forgot the pound cake: 4400

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 10/02/2008:
Don't feel dumb...you'll get back on track soon! :)

weightlossyoyo on 10/02/2008:
It happens don't worry over it and move on, if you worry you will make yourself feel worse and possiable do it again. Love yourself and just erase the binge from your brain.

Donkey on 10/03/2008:
I have seen pictures of Challah in the market flier that gets delivered in the junk mail every week --- oh it looks so good. I could totally understand consuming the whole thing. I'm such a carb addict it's not even funny!

I don't think it's "dumb" to binge. Obviously something's bothering you, stress, uncertainty, boredom, whatever it may be. please be kind to yourself. And patient. And forgiving.

balloonlady on 10/03/2008:
dont beat yourself up... all in moderation.. and you are aware of it.. you will do great...

greengirl on 10/03/2008:
You are being too hard on yourself. You are far from dumb :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Oct 01, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

1,000 cal up until dinner. dinner was good but a little large...good anyway.

dinner: salad with some dressing, microwavable eggplant parm, plum, dessert of cereal and milk, kombucha. not more than 750 i think.

total: AROUND 1750. ALRIGHT. at least i had dinner kinda early. no exercise, it's gonna rain and i don't want to go on the treadmill or to the gym. throat is a bit strange. but i never get REALLY sick unless i let myself get VERY run down. time to get more sleep. need to catch up on sleep...badly!

goodnight...i will comment later this week as i am exhausted.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

loveray on 10/01/2008:
2 days of amazing success for you! i know its hard but hang in there, you deserve nothing but the best...xoxo

Jen40 on 10/01/2008:
Oh I hope you don't get sick! Our family has it right now and it's awful. Keeps coming back again too, this is our second bout with it in three weeks. Your menu today sounds so yummy!

WI3 on 10/01/2008:
Keep getting that good sleep!

skinnyjeans on 10/01/2008:
Hope you get some good sleep and feel better tomorrow!

selina on 10/02/2008:
You had an amazingly successful day and I am so happy for you!

anewhb on 10/02/2008:
Hey HOP. Stopping by to say hello. Working on the house a lot and not much time for exercise these days. Ups and downs for me, too - hang in there. I am trying to think of my high cal days as "over-eating" days not binge days! LOL.......Trying to stay in the moment and not zone out like I do sometimes. More later......

anewhb on 10/02/2008:
Hey HOP. Stopping by to say hello. Working on the house a lot and not much time for exercise these days. Ups and downs for me, too - hang in there. I am trying to think of my high cal days as "over-eating" days not binge days! LOL.......Trying to stay in the moment and not zone out like I do sometimes. More later......

Horn_Of_Plenty - Tuesday Sep 30, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

haha, good day today and it will remain so. finally. gotta get this act together since my scrubs are becoming tighter! and scrubs should NOT be tight!


breakfast: bread, pb, 1/2 banana: 240

snack: apple very small 60

lunch: 250 salad/chicken good stuff

snack: mcdonald's parfait: around 250

dinner: chicken, veggies, and stuff like that. dinner with parents. can't imagine more than 500-600 i'm setting this high just in case.

total: around 1300-1400.

might take a walk after dinner. a short one!

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

lafemme_loca on 09/30/2008:
*HUGS* glad you are making it a great day :-) *dances for you* those scrubs will become soooooo loose.. i just know it ! :-) Have a good evening !

thinnside40 on 09/30/2008:
WhooHooHooHooHooHooewe WhooHooHooHooHooHooewe WhooHooHooHooHooHooHooeeweew!!!

Do it again.... YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

loveray on 09/30/2008:
YAYAYAYAY. happy new year my love- lets make this THE one!

grumpy on 09/30/2008:
Good for you for having a day on track! At the plane today I watched this documentary about eating disorders called Thin. You know, it's so sad and chocking seeing these girls at 85 pounds and binging and purging. But on the other hand it gives you perspective as i saw them knowing they should eat and be healthy, and they don't and they lie, etc. Same to me, i know how and what i should eat and I simply havent been. It was good to see that. Xoxo

greengirl on 10/01/2008:
Well done HoP. You know you can do it sweetie :)

Horn_Of_Plenty - Monday Sep 29, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

bogus. let me tell you.

good eating until 7:45 after i walked and had dinner. it went downhill, royally. i'm still working on getting the right mindset to do what i have to so i can get back to a lower weight.

working on it.

binged big time means probably around 4,000 and hopefully no more calories.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

loveray on 09/29/2008:
Happy New Year, Hop. I wish you all the peace and harmony life has to offer. xoxo

loveray on 09/29/2008:
ps- can you pin-point today what happened after you walked in from your walk? were you all alone eating dinner? did something stressful happen on the walk?

animasola on 09/29/2008:
Hey - thanks for the welcome.

Loveray asked a good question. I find that evenings can be disastrous; when I am tired and hungry I tend to overeat or binge the most. Often times I tell myself I'm just going in to get a "snack" and then the dam breaks. Suddenly I become Zombie girl raiding the pantry, completely unsatisfied and unstoppable! I have made a goal for myself that took some time to catch on, but seems to be helping for now (most days) -- I try to stay completely out of the kitchen/pantry after 5 or 6. If you eat a good meal at about 5 before you are starving and then commit to staying away after that (make some tea ahead of time to sip on the rest of the evening), then it may help control the munchies that turn into a binge. On the other hand, restrictions/rules/obsessing can often lead to binging as well, so you would have to feel that out.

skinnyjeans on 09/30/2008:
Just keep working at it! Tomorrow is a new day! I just joined DD (again!)...we're all here to support each other!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Saturday Sep 27, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 135.0

edit: give in. i guess i am just not scared enough about the health conditions that come with overeating. although i should be, for sure.

so, imagine all your favorite fast food restaurants, and all your favorite fast foods. i had them all. drove to several places and orderred several things. total binging.

total calories: around 6,000. not important to look up. i binged. what else is new??


breakfast: peanut butter sandwich, almond milk, 1/2 egg, chocolate covered pretzels, coconut/chocolate: 880

snack: fresh veg juice: maybe 80?

lunch: protein shake...and some fruit??

visiting grandma later sunday afternoon.

and probably tv/movie at night.

oh, and i need to study.

Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 09/27/2008:
????????Halloween Sign???????.... I searched photobucket for fall fence and that picture was for the choosing, but it doesn't say "happy halloween" anywhere that I can see... Where do you see it? I just see pumpkins & a white picket fence....

Anyways, looks like you have good plans for tomorrow... Good Luck!

grumpy on 09/27/2008:
Have a great sunday! xo

MattsGirl16 on 09/28/2008:
Hey! Thank you for the nice comments you left on my diary. Your right, I am gonna write down what I eat on Tuesdays. Thanks for the advice. Have a great day!

thinnside40 on 09/28/2008:
Well, I'll be dad gum puzzled H_O_P.... I totaly believe you about "happy halloween" and it is just nuts!.... I am sure that my computer is the problem.. There are times that even I can't see some pictures or graphics when someone e-mails me.... I shall maybe save it for October 31st and post it again....hehe

Have a super day and enjoy your grandma visit

thinnside40 on 09/28/2008:
I found it...biscotti suggested refreshing the page (full quality) for us dial-up users... I saw it!

grumpy on 09/28/2008:
i think for now you need to be busy and be with people so you don't binge. we don't ever binge in front of others, right? you need a friend you could call and come visit at these times, or something to that effect. A boyfriend would be great too. match.com? i don't know, just other things to keep you busy. love ya. hang in there. xo.

WI3 on 09/29/2008:
Hello there =) I know there are days when my stomach feels so anxious, that I figure if I keep feeding it, that feeling will go away and everything will be all right. And while I am pleasuring myself with food, I am very happy. It is complusive and when it is over, I feel like a total failure. While I can binge like there is no tomorrow, there does seem to be a faster disconnect with myself than with you. We are the same but not..know what I mean? It's like all the reasons to binge are almost the same, but the impact situations have on us seem to hit you harder and give you a stronger reaction.

Not knowing exactly what you are going through, I can't really speak for you. But for me, I place undue stress on myself because I feel like I have to be perfect on the outside for everyone..either so that they have confidence in me, like me, don't leave me, or so that they just plain leave me alone. So sometimes I find myself putting on that perfection mask..and those are the days when I binge. In private.

And I know sometimes coming on this website and reading all the foods everyone has eaten, and all the desserts they've passed on...it makes me start thinking about food lol. And I noticed at the gym yesterday, that I had to look away from the televisions when food commercials were on. Something inside me triggers the need to feed when I am frustrated with my life. And right now, I am very frustrated. Bills, relationships, work, all of that good stuff.

I am honestly thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous, they have a meeting on sunday evenings at the hospital. And I may follow that up with attending a TOPS meeting once per week. I am still trying to figure it all out in my own head..but the one thing I do know....I am not happy being the weight I am. Especially when I know I don't have to be...there is just something I need to find out about myself and I think I need some help finding it. Good luck to you.

greengirl on 09/29/2008:
Hey HoP, You are going thru a bad patch patch with the binging arnt you ?? I think grumpy might be on to something. I know I never binge in front of other people. At times I'm to embarrassed to eat in front of people at all cos I think they just think 'No wonder she is fat !!'

animasola on 09/29/2008:
Hi Horn of Plenty - You don't know me... I am a new member. I have been browsing the site for awhile, contemplating joining, but as I have been trying to overcome some of my own eating issues (disorders) I wasn't sure if a site like this would help me, or be the healthiest thing for me at this time in my life.

Anyway, I just want to let you know that you are facing a very serious struggle that thousands of other people have faced/are facing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I really think you are at a point where you need to consider getting outside help. I don't want you to think that I doubt your character or strength, but I only suggest this because, as someone who also "binges," (a term that I've noticed is somewhat loosely used around here, and each person seems to have her own definition...), I know how devastating and empty and alone and dark and horrific that feeling is (often the "before, during, and after"). It is the absolute worst, and a cycle that feels extremely dominative and endless. Therapy - whether it is in a facility with other people who also face eating disorders, or a personal therapist (a good one) - can help break the cycle, and help you realize other underlying issues that are a part of you, that you possibly mask with these food issues (something I did/do as well). I realized that it wasn't even the physical symptoms (that some DD's have mentioned) that are so severe, but actually the mental effects that became/become extremely dangerous.

On a brighter note, my husband, who was compassionate enough to read up on eating disorders when I was facing some of my most difficult times, reassured me that "this will all pass." I know he didn't know for sure... and there are absolutely those cases that end tragically; however, MOST DO NOT! This is an unfortunate obstacle, that you can/will overcome! Please don't be afraid to ask for help... it probably will be the most freeing thing you do, and you may come out of it understanding a lot more about yourself.

I have to admit, I am surprised at the passiveness of many of the other Diet Diary comments, but I try to excuse it as simply the fact that people just *cannot* comprehend this struggle (or distinguish the difference between *overeating* and *binging* - two completely different things by definition). Also the "!!!!!" comment above was somewhat uncalled for. It is understandable to not be able to fully understand how someone feels/acts, or why someone is behaving in a way, but certain comments may indirectly cause more feelings of isolation -- Careful!

Life is full of obstacles; none of us can completely understand another's. I don't pretend to understand yours because I know each of us experiences things in our own way. Sometimes we force ourselves to extremities, but perhaps it is also within these cases that we gain the most strength, and the most light. You will get through this! As I mentioned before (and you probably know, but may forget at times) you are not alone! ooo Jenny

Horn_Of_Plenty - Thursday Sep 25, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 130.0

saturday morning entry: binge for breakfast: 2750 cal.

700 calorie early dinner. snack foods. nothing too healthy.


later dinner: ounce wheatgrass, green drink. around 150 i think.

total: 3600. the end.

exercise: on my ass the whole day and 30 minutes/weights at the gym. did write a 10 page term paper today on breast cancer. good stuff - the paper, that is.


friday afternoon edit:

breakfast: apple, peanut butter: 200

snack: small apple 70

lunch: salad, beans, egg: 220 or so

snack: mcdonalds parfait and kombucha and that's it!!! 260

dinner: carrot chips, big smoothie with cookie dough protein powder, unsweetened almond milk, banana. bit high in calories but nothing terrible 425

total cal today: 1175. sounds about right. no exercise.


friday morning edit:

last night was complete with vomiting around 4am-5am because i woke up so nauseaus since i was WAY too full for even my own stomach to handle it. haven't had this situation in about a year and i definitely don't want to face it again. defiitely can't be good for my organs...especially in terms of cancer of the esophagous from the vomiting. i MUST try harder.


thursday late night edit: being so full, i'm going to bed after midnight. i'm stuffed. definitely around 135 lbs by now.

if there's a good reason to lose weight, it would be so my ankle has less pressure on it at work. the excess weight is actually hurting me!


parents not home, very tired...took it out on food:

4000 calories today. loser! could have done better, obviously.


breakfast: pb, bread, 1/2 banana. i like this breakfast!! :) and almond milk: 340

snack: very small apple: 50

lunch: subway veggie patty 6 inch. this actually has more calories than most sandwiches there. i took out some of the inside of the bread.around 360

snack: fiber bar (i need it, i'm so bloated from binging so often last week), shot of wheatgrass from a health food store, kombucha. 250

1000 calories so far.

dinner: 1,000...1300

total: 2500

was on my feet all day and my left weak ankle hurts. no gym tonight. gotta improve my strength this year!!!

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 09/25/2008:
Try drinking some of your calories...at least it is fatfree and will help. Hot chocolate, coffee, sweet tea...it helps a lot. Hope your ankle feels better! Love, Maria

thinnside40 on 09/25/2008:
Hmmmmmmmmmm...Me not like you call yourself "loser"...Nope Nope Nope..That's hogwash!

And what was it that you took out on food...Food doesn't have feelings!!! But, you do and look what it makes you feel like when you are done binging one given day.....

I am serious about a Dr. visit too for a physical... You may just have some kind of inbalance hormonally or otherwise... I may be way off base, but just trying to help you out the best I know how to and hate to see you frustered so much....

selina on 09/26/2008:
HI HOP! You are definetely NOT A LOSER! You are tired because of your work and tiredness can lead to eating, it's very normal. At least it is for me. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you know what triggers it, how to prevent it, etc, etc - it just happens. So, be gentle to yourself - try a bit harder tomorrow - for the sake of your ankles and waistline. Which reminds me, walking with poles would be GREAT for your ankles!!! hehehe - maybe you should join me here and we'd walk together with all those cool/young/fit people - with poles, nonetheless!!! I'd kick your butt! Have a good day!

grumpy on 09/26/2008:
Ah sorry you had a bad day. Let's all be losers together and lose all these extra pounds, ok? You're an awesome, hard working, talented young woman, you just probably need to work on your confidence, i think that's what leads you to binge. Have you ever tried therapy? All my friends keep telling me to go and i don't, but i really should. I did once and wasn't crazy about it, but I am more mature now and I think that should help, really.

Anyway, it is an elvis behind me in the pic. That's hollywood to you. Ha. And yea, i can see the weight loss on these pics too, even though these last ones i posted are not the most flattering ones I have. :)

legcramps on 09/26/2008:
I hear you about the excess weight on the joints thing. My knee has been killing me lately. Stay focused chica. You can do it.

grumpy on 09/26/2008:
Ugh, i know. That does not sound fun, but sometimes a bad experience like that is what it takes to click something inside of us (that goes beyond reason) and then you'll react and do better. Try to think of a really good period you had before, think of how it felt, when you went to bikram, didn't binge, ate healthy, lost weight. Try to focus on how good that felt and do it again. Easier said than done, I know. I try everyday myself too. But, we have to try everyday. Eyes on the prize girl! xo

lafemme_loca on 09/26/2008:
The cherry oatmeal is really good and easy to make, i posted the recipe on Monday I think... or maybe Tuesday... :-) It is just as good as the pumpkin spice oatmeal from last week ! :-)

lafemme_loca on 09/26/2008:
*hugs* I just read your entry. *double hugs* I am soooooo sorry about you wanting to take out everything on food. :-( You aren't a loser... you can lose those pounds and you can succeed in not binging. *triple hugs* As they said up there, keep your eyes on what you want most and not what you want at the moment. Ask yourself, 'why am i eating ?' and if it is anything other than for hunger... go occupy your hands with something else... go for a walk, take a shower, so something good. *quadruple hugs*

thinnside40 on 09/26/2008:
Sounds like Friday is better..... Have a super good weekend!

WI3 on 09/26/2008:
My hope for you is that you do not continue to vomit. You are right, eating yourself sick is not a good idea. But oh how many times I've been there myself without the vomiting..*sigh* I sure do wish I could say something that would be magic and help you through your struggle with binge eating. But I can't. What I can do is tell you that I believe that you will search and find the right key that unlocks the door to the reasons behind this eating, and eventually find that safe place inside of you that allows you to cling to yourself, rather than food. You are one of the sweetest and most honest people on this whole diary board. I have learned a lot from you over the past couple years and you have had a positive influence in my life. I wish I could give you what you want the most, you deserve to be happy, healthy and in control. And I know that once you find your way, you will get what you need in order to get where you want to be. I give you huge HUGE credit for starting over in your life with a different career! I would LOVE to do that, but my fears won't let me..and that is my struggle. Please know that while I cannot empathize with binge eating...I can empathize with the fears that hold us back from getting where we want to be. You are not alone, and you are thought of highly. Rest, find peace, find your serenity. Hang in there.

smiley2 on 09/27/2008:
Hi, i have been where you are now many of times in my life. Its so easy to fall into a habit of binging and self destruction. I found that overeating is connected to a routine, so the first thing you should do is to break your current routine eg go exercise when you feel an urge to eat coming on......good luck, you are a strong person. Wx

greengirl on 09/27/2008:
HoP, you've never been a loser in my book. In fact you have often been a source of inspiration. I'm so happy to be back here, I've missed you all, and you have always been good at giving support to other people. Look after yourself, dearie and try to not eat yourself sick again !!

Horn_Of_Plenty - Wednesday Sep 24, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 130.0

had an egg after my dinner smoothie: total cal are 1360.

if there is one thing i can be thankful for, it is for you guys right now. thanks for leaving me positive, helpful, thoughts and suggestions. they all help. and no, i will NEVER get offended. EVERYTHING is so helpful when i have days like yesterday. so thank you!

basically i'm starting fresh today and trying to work towards a healthier approach in general. again. but never giving up is the trick so i'm ready to start. I turned 26 this month and 26 will be a GOOD year. it's not too late to look the way I WANT TO. maybe it's too late by the wedding i have in 2.5 weeks but it's not too late for life. these are things i don't like to admit, at all.

I have learned a few things (life lessons) in these first 2.5 weeks of my program. Basically, it's ok to make mistakes. Just do it earlier than later!! Then at least you can learn early on. Speak up. Doesn't matter what other people think. really it doesn't. don't be ashamed to try something even if you aren't sure how. that's how i feel. of course i've learned these things before, but they have been demonstrated ten fold during these couple weeks.

breakfast: bread, 1/2 banana, pb: around 280. my stomach was sooo full from last night but i know i needed something substantial. this actually worked really well, surprisingly.

snack: apple. good choice again. wasn't even famished by lunch. 70 again, i was REALLY bloated throughout the whole day. could hardly get the apple down.

lunch: LARGE but healthy wrap. with turkey, mustard, tomato, lettuce. around 450

snack: fiber bar and kombucha drink: 230

dinner: definitely will be a drink that i'll make at home. one cup pumpkin and a serving of protein powder. cinnamon. around 200-250

1280-1300 cal. healthy and there's nothing i can do about yesterday. it's done.

exercise: not in the mood for the gym.....4 mi walk instead.

Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!

thinnside40 on 09/24/2008:
Good thoughts to put into action..... Try to find the positive in the situations...Lord knows the whirlwind Monday I had sure made me feeling so many unsettled emotions...BUT, I have let my determination to NOT go on prescription drugs drive me to finding out what WILL work to remedy my status...THEN if that doesn't work I will consider the doctors recommendations.... You find what is the right thing for you to work and that only comes by trial/error sometimes... We all do it!

LaFemme_Loca on 09/24/2008:
Yay for positive thoughts !!! :-) And getting back on track. :-) *hugs* Have a wonderful day !

loveray on 09/24/2008:
believe in yourself. your body is your ally not your enemy. see what happens when you develop a love for the skin youre in. good work getting back on track and letting go. love you!

selina on 09/25/2008:
I'm so happy to read this entry today! Good job, well done!

Maria7 on 09/25/2008:
4 miles walk....OUTSTANDING!!! Yayyyy! Cals look okay...try not to go too low...remember...food is fuel! Love ya!

grumpy on 09/25/2008:
I totally agree with you and I am so glad we're being helpful. I am sure you look just fine, but you will look even better and you know what you need to do. Bikram, baby! Haha. And other things, I think walks are wonderful too. xoxo

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