Happy Saturday. Woke up early not even 5am, so, I had to take a light sleeping pill. If I didn't, I feel I wouldn't have gotten more much-needed sleep. It helps me to get some extra sleep on weekends since I generally don't get enough during the week. I fell back asleep close to 6am and slept till around 9:30am which was good. Just a little groggy now so drinking some diet coke since that's all I was in the mood for after breakfast.
Going home to parents today. We have to take photos of our cars and I need to go with my mom to find shoes for the wedding. I told them i'd be home by 11am but then texted them that it would have to be 11:30am. too much going on...and need my sleep on the weekends...weekends are for recharging.
anyways,
Early at 5am: 2 bottles kombucha 140 (4 cups)
Big Breakfast around 10:30am: oatmeal with coconut water 200, lots of chocolate peanut butter spread 200, stevia, egg whites 3/4 cup around 100. total is 500, good.
total so far: 650 or so, excellent.
Lunch: 2 fried eggs 200, toast with butter 200, salad 100 500. And pretzels was hungry. 100. Home with parents.
1250...
Plum and peanut butter 150
1400...
2200 or so today. Fine.
Exercise: walking around mall with mom looking for shoes. Found them in a store by my parents house. Shoes were cheap. $40.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Happy Friday!
This coming Monday, 2-1-16, I will have been in this Union for 5 years! This is a major accomplishment because if you are in the union at least 5 years, you are eligible to receive a pension no matter what! It means that even if I leave the union anytime after 5 years, I will at least always be entitled to a pension when I am 65 based on the time I did put in here at this job. It means that all my hard work & hours worked didn't go to waste.
When I was in teaching, as a teacher, I quit before 5 years. I taught a total of 4 years and only 3 were in the public school union. Therefore, I didn't get the pension. All my hard work for those 4 years as a teacher was wasted. When I am 65, those four years will not be recognized.
But in the electrical industry now, when i'm 65, I will be credited. I am proud of myself to have gone thru these 5 years at this job. It was such a challenge. I am confident if I can last here, I can last anywhere!
Next up is my plan to be an NYPD officer. That is also a union with good pension. I will do that job up until the age I do retire. I plan to enter the NYPD academy in around 1-2 years from now. I'll be 34 years old. And retire around 60.
I value the 4 years I spent in teaching & I feel I was a good teacher for a newcomer. I had a lot to learn as I was young right out of the gate. But I know in my heart I could have been successful at it. I gave it up too soon I do not see myself ever going down the teaching path again.
I haven't been saving a lot or putting a lot in my 401k this year because I stopped working overtime. If I get a raise (hoping for a $10k raise) i'll be placing the equivalent to the raise weekly in my 401k. Saving for the future is a must :-)
1760 6-day average = excellent. My goal is good = keep the average around this much for a 7-day average once Friday is complete. Last Friday I indulge, but today (Friday)I think I can do it :-)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thursday:
google kombucha for more info.
Tuesday:
Mouse got into my food in my desk at work (totally sealed things!) and left it's poop.
SO GROSS! so I cleaned it all up...and will not have this happen again!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday Morning:
Thankful for a safe apt and warm heat and all the good that I have in my life.
Finally, as I was driving home last night around 6pm onto my block, snow plows (HUGE tractors!!!) were plowing my block. Still work needed to be done 6pm yesterday. Good thing is it should be easier driving to work today & when I get into Ozone Park where I work, I will stay off the side roads as much as possible (made a mistake coming home yesterday when there was a stuck car & I turned down an unplowed block. Today I plan on a much easier commute....and parking for gym should be INTERESTING!).
Planning on gym after work for sure - it will definitely be a challenge parking-wise, unless the streets have been plowed better overnight. Not a lot of parking around gym - no lot - only street parking...looking forward to gym, very much. I am glad I didn't skip it on Sunday!
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Monday evening:
happy to be safe and back home.
Exercise: 10-15 min walk on well-shoveled sidewalk areas
calories: 1600 approx.
1750-3day avg
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2-day calorie total: approx. 1825. good.
We got 26.5 inches of snow!
Sunday Breakfast: kombucha. 70, later a caffeinated drink, half of it 60. later, i'll have the other half.
11:30 - 12pm snacking (in the mood for oatmeal, but would want to go to the gym after and they are still plowing the apt lots so I know I cant leave yet....so trying to just snack right now and not eat a huge meal!) blow pop, chips 250
total so far: 380, good.
snacking...but then late lunch bc change of plans because roads not plowed so I can't get my car out so regrouping to take bus to the gym...!
snacking: granola bar 150, greek yogurt 100, chocolate spread 150, stevia, big banana 150: 550
total so far: around 950-1010 with more caffeine stuff, good...
dinner: at most 600.
total today: around 1600, excellent. and a great workout at the gym.
Overall, yesterday was wonderful. I finally finished my coworker's book & now i'm going to write my review this morning :) Proud of myself to finish it this month which ended up being easier because of the 3-day weekend last week and snow day yesterday I had ample time to read it! I am glad I have something challenging to do this morning / early afternoon.
__________________________________________
Overall, I am happy. But, I need to talk about something very much on my mind here with all of you. Once again, i'm hoping for some advice from you all:
I am not a big arguer. I don't fight often. The only fights I really ever have are with family and they blow over. But my best friend is now a constant source of arguing. It's almost certain that we argue if we are planning or doing anything out of the ordinary.
It's absolutely unnerving and stresses me to the core that I am constantly fighting with her. I don't even feel interested in having her involved anymore in any of the exciting events or plans I have because doing ANYTHING out of the ordinary for her causes stress and anxiety and then when she is doing these events with me they become STRESSFUL instead of FUN! I can't take this nonsense at all.
I am not really going into detail now with past events / situations that I have caused arguments with my best friend & myself because it's too much to think about right now & just write and get even more riled up right now when i'm trying to get it out and just relax over this. But it's really getting to be too much. She is MUCH more an anxious person than myself. She has MORE social anxiety than myself. And I just can't take it. It's not fair to me to have to be stressed more by hanging out with her. I shouldn't have to always be placed in her path of anxiety. it's not fair to me. at all! I am not her mother or doctor or social worker. I don't hang out with her to only be her therapist. my relationship with my best friend is strained.
She was supposed to find a psychologist MONTHS ago. She also went on medication for anxiety a month ago (which was FAR too late as she was in a bad state months before that) and she just doesn't do sh*t to take care of herself. It's such a sad state of affairs, really. I need a strong friend. Not someone who needs to be babied and always looks for the easy way out. She makes me want to run away from the friendship I used to have with her. She makes me want to bang my head on a wall a few times. I am not friends with her only because she is helpless and that's what she has become. I have my own health and well-being to care about & she is just making it hard for me to do that.
As you all know, I have stress right now. I have the wedding coming up. I have limited time for my friends. I miss being able to see my friends like I was in the fall. But I know I will again and this is just a small period of time and it will pass. I am obliged to spend more time with my family finding shoes and such and a dress for the upcoming bridal shower now. And I have no problem realizing and doing these very necessary things. I am thankful I have to actually! I am glad that my sister is getting married and that i'm part of it. I will text her now to tell her that i'm happy for her! lol..ok just texted my sister and thanked my mom for helping me out and actually purchasing my bridesmaid dress for me :-D It was $300.-
Ok, let me get back on track. My friend needs a psychologist to talk to. It's not right that all her problems are being placed on me for my ears for me to help her with. I cannot have a friend that needs so much help from me. And then, sometimes she gets anxious about the help I give and gets angry with me that she "doesn't need a mother" when most of the time she begs me for me to "mother her" without actually obviously saying it. - her actions show it. So, it's annoying. she wants my help and then gets angry when I give without her asking or when she supposedly doesn't want it. Well, I guess it's pretty obvious what I need to do - WAIT TILL SHE ASKS FOR MY HELP AND SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING UNTIL THEN. As a friend, this is not my nature. it's not my nature with ANYONE. I don't like to sit back when I realize I can help. I don't like to do nothing when I see anyone in need.
It's my nature to want to help or fix things for people when I see I can. I like to raise people up - especially my friends.
Well, a point just struck me. My best friend doesn't care to be raised up! Yeah, I just realized this point as I am thinking of all of this - as I am writing.
So instead of wasting my energy to raise her up, I am going to keep raising myself up. I don't have a problem making plans with others for the more exciting events. I can reserve low key activities and mundane stuff for when I hang out with her. And continue to do more exciting things with my other friends. It's the way its going to be because like I said, I'm not her mother and i'm not going to hold her 33-year old hand every time there's something new I want to do. I'm SO DONE with it.
I've been on a cruise with my best friend 4 years ago. We fought a TON during it. She didn't want to do anything exciting! Really. We went parasailing and she had SO MUCH ANXIETY that she was sick throwing up and shi**ing in the bathroom afterwards. She didn't want to see shows on the boat. She was so concerned about getting sunburned she didn't even want to tan everyday. She likes the mundane so much that she did her laundry while on the cruise - which I didn't mind so much because she offeered to do some of mine lol. Also on the cruise, we walked up Dunns River Falls in Jamaica. It's quite strenuous and difficult and wet. She cried the whole damn way up. If she can't have fun doing new things, I can't do them with her anymore. I need friends that are going to challenge me. It can't always be me challenging them.
So this time - the fight was OVER THE PHONE! horrible. On a day I just wanted to relax and not even be on the phone. (we were snowed in yesterday so I was enjoying some much needed alone time). Anyways, I promised her to call her regarding her buying a bridal shower gift for my sister online from Bed, Bath & Beyond. Well, she shipped the gift to her address instead of my sister's address provided which would be easier. It's because my friend didn't realize she could ship it straight to my sister (which I knew was going to happen since I was on the phone with my mom when my friend placed the order before I could tell her to ship it to my sister's concierge).
So I called my friend and asked if she wanted to fix it so she wouldn't have to worry about lugging her (pretty light anyways) gifts into the city with her when she comes to the shower. My friend is probably going to take public transportation (about 1hr) unless she gets a ride with me & my parents (again, helping her) into the city for the event and I knew it's easier if she didn't have to deal with carrying an extra package with her. I was TRYING TO HELP. (she can always get a ride with me but I know she'd be anxious to sit in the car with my parents so she'll decline and I could care less really. she's an adult. let her get to the damn thing herself) I have always helped her so much when going into the city to meet friends. I usually go to her location and meet her and we go the rest of the way together. I always help and it always causes fights. let her do it herself.
anyways, for the bridal shower, I know that most people will have their packages shipped straight to my sister's concierge since it's an option ! duh! the best and most carefree option.
so I asked my friend for her order # which she reluctantly gave me. and since my friend checked out as a guest, I couldn't even do more than track her package and it wasn't possible to change the shipping on her already placed order. She was on the phone with me and questioning me as I was trying to see what I could do to help her - she really didn't know what I was doing. She was anxious that I was looking at her credit card info (which I couldn't see bc it was only package tracking that I could see at this point) and she got angry with me - because I was trying to help her. she is so anxious about her bank accounts and money. Does she seriously not trust me enough to know I am her BEST friend and don't plan on robbing her!? what the h*ll man. it's so frustrating with her. I would never take an extra cent from her. but she wasn't angry really about that, she was just scared in general about the online ordering and that my sister would see her receipt!? just stupid. I can't even...
She then asked me what I would say if she did the same thing to me - and I bluntly said, "i'd be so glad that you were trying to help me out so I didn't have to drag the bridal shower gift into the city when i go to the bridal shower!! since obviously it's easier to have the gift already there when I get there!" duh.
anyways, my friend is so anxious with online purchasing and stuff that she doesn't even pay bills online. She's 33...not 93. just seems extremely OLD SCHOOL.
I can't understand how she is so totally ok with doing things the old school way. i cash checks using my phone app and it's the easiest thing ever. she still goes to the bank. the bank near me isn't even open by me to go to anymore during the hours I am free to go! I have to do it by phone.
she actually needs to go to the bank to check if things went thru, etc, and i just check my phone. we are 33 years old - so for the older folks on here, i'm telling you, most people my age are pretty tech savvy and use tech to help us and push us forward to make life better.
she doesn't push herself ever to grow AT ALL. it's pathetic.
lastly, she needs to move this year. she's renting her apt from a woman who is looking to sell the condo she rents it from. and my friend cannot afford to buy it (and the condo needs a TON of fixing up so I cannot see why she'd ever want to buy a condo that's worth way under what it should be worth). Anyways, my friend cannot afford to buy the condo she's renting and she is so upset that she has to move.
I told my friend that it's the luck of the draw and to not rent another unit from someone who's subletting! why take the risk again of getting kicked out when the owner wants to sell!? duh!!!!!! it's just logical, man!
Instead, She can either buy a co-op (which is not as expensive) or simply just get a rental apt straight from a building management - in obviously a different building from where she lives now because her building is only condos. To rent condos in her bldg. from a subletter can be cheap but she cannot afford to buy. So she risks needing to move when a condo owner wants to sell. She has cheap rent now because the lady gave her an awesome deal maybe bc she thought later down the road my friend could afford to buy it. But now, my friend will need to move since the owner of her condo said she is definitely going to sell it & my friend can't afford it, like I said.
Well, my friend is so close-minded, and afraid of change, that she actually said she'll rent / sublet another condo unit in her building if it becomes available (that means that she will risk getting kicked out, again, just because she wants to stay in her building and not move anywhere else). she's so scared of looking for places to live, looking for a nice rental apt that will mostly likely be in better condition than her run-down condo unit, that she is opting to try to move within her building and risk having to move again if the next owner wants to sell the condo too.
just dumb. also, there are TONS of rentals that are in the price range my friend likes. So why not just rent a nice apt in a different nice building and live there as long as she likes without ever having to worry again about moving. It's the right way to go. She will not have to move again! it's very obvious...it is really the only way she should be looking. I told her not to complain to me when she has to move again. - and if she does end up renting another subletted condo, I will NOT listen or give a care when her time to move comes again. I will simply tell her, you get what you paid for. - that's the decision you made and that's your consequence. her ignorance to the facts makes me SICK!
I can't deal with such ignorance to the fact of the matter that renting a subletted condo when you hate moving is such a STUPID choice to do again. if you hate moving, move for the last time and don't move again! don't put yourself in the same situation again just because you are used to the building and think it's the only building out there. she lives in a big city - there's so many options. she needs to open her eyes and not think like a blind bat!
She hates moving so much that she's willing to sacrifice it and continue to live in a high-priced condo (that's poorly maintained in my opinion) and move within the condo building only (like move from her unit to another one in the same building if possible that's what she wants). there is a chance that there may not be any units available for renting when she needs to move, also. then she will have to take another option like renting an apt somewhere else.
also, the rental (not condo, so better because she'd never have to move again) building across the street from her has a pool. there are several apt buildings like it - another one is one town away. and that one also has a pool and even cheaper rents! (the apt rental building in the town over is the same owner as this rental building across the street but because of location, the one in the next town has rent that is $300 per month less!) The photos look amazing. both have pools. I did all this research - that's why I know.
my friend needs a major bonfire lit under her ass to get her to look and see how her options are literally ENDLESS.
my friend is a teacher, summers off. how could she not want to take advantage of living in a nice building with a pool for the summer. of course, if she has any body image issues and doesn't want to sit at the pool, I could understand. but she never said that to me and lately says she'd like the pool idea.
I just see her thinking as being highly ignorant and stupid - to stay in a building with nothing and ultra high prices where she currently is, her thinking to me is plain dumb & close-minded.
I am sorry that she is acting and thinking this way. It makes me only feel bad for her. I am so sorry she can be this ignorant.
I tried to help her. gave her so many links to places in her area that look so nice. photos and all. she thanked me and said I was such a great friend ( I did this yesterday morning before our fight that occurred yesterday evening). she was so happy I looked into it. OF COURSE SHE HADN'T EVEN LOOKED FOR HERSELF. she's really like a dear in headlights with everything that needs some researching.
I am sorry to say that this 33-year old girl is my best friend. I hope she is able to get some strength and grow out of this horrible phase she is in. She is full of anxiety and not a pleasure to be friends with at all. She's been struggling this way since last summer! Well over half a year now with full blown anxiety.
if anyone here thinks i'm being ignorant to my friend's opinions and stuff, i'm not sure I could agree with you.
when someone hates to move, they should get out of the condo building they are renting in and move somewhere where it is for renting only & she can stay as long as she wants without the stress of possibly being kicked out when a condo owner wants to sell and not rent to her anymore.
I just don't understand how someone can continue to put themselves in a stressful situation just to avoid a move (but it would be more of a final move).
she says she may move in with a husband or boyfriend (both of which she doesn't have in the least) down the road and therefore doesn't care to stay in the condo renting and possibly getting kicked out of a unit again.
thing is, she doesn't date. never a boyfriend.
so, why doesn't she take her of herself, get out of the condo bldg, and find a nice rental apt that is NICER than her current place (which is horribly kept-up as far as condo standards go) for a great price!?
and when she has to move, it'll be July. she's not working then. she's a teacher.
perfect timing for her.
yet she can't even see it.
I can't help her anymore.
I told her I gave her my advice about the apt situation, I support her final decisions, and that I will NOT be discussing her move with her again. That i'm out of it. I also told her not to come to me for support about the anxiety medicine she's taking. I told her i'm not involved in any of it anymore.
Let her finally talk to her psychologist this week - that's her first visit. and share her anxiety with that person.
i'm not a doormat or a sponge that needs to suck up her anxiety constantly. I'm OUT OF IT. also, me helping her causes fighting - I see fights in the future regarding both medicine and anxiety and decisions for her moving so - that's more the reason why I told her "I'm out of it." on those topics.
She can discuss with her family (parents, siblings) and psychologist. But if she brings them up to me, i'll tell her I can't give my input on those topics anymore. so done. I can't fight with her anymore.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
I must help myself more if I am to get out of my current job & become an NYPD officer.
So, yes, thank you Fran.
I am going to work on myself. If she reaches out to me, so bet it. If not, i'm ok with that.
I am going to surround myself more with who I want to surround myself with. Thank you.
Some people are technologically paranoid and with all the identify theft going on I can't blame her, especially after being hacked myself....but damn, it sure makes the world a easier less hectic place. Good luck and continue on with all your goals and plans, I would put her on the back burner for awhile. Enjoy your life.
I've been pulling back more & more from her. But then, when I do talk on the phone with her, it's for a long time, and I am reminded how much I usually DON'T want to be on the phone that long the next time! haha.
main point - yes, it should be easy for me to pull back and i'm busy with the wedding planning anyways and I have enough on my own plate.
and other main point - I think you are right she does need me to pull away for her sake - she needs to get her life in order and seek the real help from a person trained to help.
I've learned a lesson with what I just wrote in paragraph above - and related to your comment very much - to take care of myself.
I don't owe her so much as to risk my own well-being.
I will focus on continuing to do things for myself and not worry to always think of her first or need to include her....
ah, you are right. I just need to focus on myself. and forget her for awhile. forget as in stop being so concerned over things I can't fix.
Happy Snow Day :) Happy Saturday at home day! Happy NO exercise day. AND DEFINITELY NO STAIR CLIMBING IN MY APT TODAY! - i'm so sick of stairclimbing and then being sore for a full week after! so none of that :)
Breakfast: kombucha 70, peach 60, lots of Indian okra with a lot of oil 500. total: around 650. good!
11pm: brunch: beef jerky 110, saag 150 around 260-300 total
12:30pm: chips 70, and more of that spinach saag 150
veggies 150, blow pop 50
now seltzer and to finally read my coworkers last few chapters of her book! and to write the review! having a snow day is perfect timing to finish her this month - like I told her I would :)
Dinner veggies steamed along with mushrooms in sauce 200 1600. good.
Chips 130 1730.
Protein bar at 8pm or so. 300.
total today: around 2050 - this is actually what I had in mind for a day fully at home snow day! proud of myself. I did great!
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Dinner ended up pushing total cals up to 2300 but it's fine. I walked for around 30 minutes in the evening which was GREAT.
Approx 1830/day this week = pretty good!
Happy Friday :)
(1754 6-day avg thru Thursday - today is the last day for the average - so i'm looking to keep calories at most in the 1700's today so that my calorie avg doesn't go higher for this week. proud that I kept it around 1750 for the week!)
There are definitely no rules when it comes to true love...but i'm not going to write more about this right now because it's too fresh and too personal even for me to type. I need to have these thoughts only in my mind right now. :)
So far today: kombucha 60 & amino acids that taste so bad I may try to return them to Rite Aid. 20. total here: 80.
Planning on a good day & coming home to relax after work. Maybe start reading a new book or magazine. Snow is expected Friday night into Saturday & I am prepared to be home relaxing. Happy about another low-key weekend with few errands, laundry & gym. Probably chatting on the phone with my best friend too.
Well, if I want to lose any more weight & get to at least 115lbs, I'm going to have to lower calories. Except, I don't want to go any lower right now. So i'm not. Just staying within the 1700-avg range is good for me for now. It's satisfying & i'm not left hungry. Weight is still 118, not lower this morning - even though I felt thinner - the scale said NO! haha.
but either way, the workouts I've been having at the gym have all been amazing this month. caffeine does help with both intensity and length of workout - both are increased a lot when I have the caffeine. It's amazing and not just in my head!
As January is coming to a close, I am starting to pump myself up for February. February will be very similar to January. There's another 3-day weekend (President's Day) in February and also my sister's Surprise Bridal Shower is on a Saturday afternoon in February. I need to find something to wear to it - probably a short dress. I will probably go shopping with my mom for it in the near future (but NOT this weekend as snow is expected and I plan on doing my errands Sunday).
Anyways, I am pumped for the month of February. Another reason why it's a good month is a funny reason - February is SHORT! that's right. I like how it's a short month that I need to get thru with my extensive goal of not skipping any workouts & going 3x per week! I have done so well in January. I am more than proud of myself.
And then we have March. March will go fast. I was planning to take a week off prior to my sister's wedding to get things done (visit my tax guy!) and just relax, maybe eat cleaner, keep up with exercise, and feel good at the wedding April 2nd (so last week of march is the week before). I will keep this commitment to myself that I am allowed to have a week off.
After the wedding, I will come right back to work on the Monday - but I plan to take that week off from exercise. So that I can relax a bit after work - because I know i'll be feeling tired after the wedding weekend!
I am happy.
I like how all my goals are working out. How all my planning was not wasted. How all my efforts are coming to fruition. Hard work pays off. And when we are successful, we should be proud of ourselves. I didn't always understand how to achieve weight goals or how to stick to my plans or diet or calories. It is this year, particularly after I got very sick in mid-Sept to mid-Oct. that I was reminded that everything is possible when you stick to your guns. And this is what i'm doing. I feel proud.
Progress as of today: 8 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
There is a guy at my gym who is seriously muscular and he takes two weeks off every so often from working out.
And then, I will totally change my focus to strengthening lower body & preparing for the academy. And it will be a "bigger" personal goal than my truly mostly aesthetic wedding goal.
Thanks Annie :)
1020 after lunch, all healthy:
Early Morning: Kombucha 50
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Enjoy your time at your parents.