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Horn_of_plenty - Monday Feb 17, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 113.0

 slept like 12 hours 9-9.

breakfast apple cake 250, whipped cream 200, iced coffee 50. 500

will see parents for lunch and walking. In a mood to relax, will read a book this morning before seeing parents..:I'm taking a class and the book is an online version and I'm debating buying a copy but realize maybe I can skim thru the book for a little everyday on the computer at work / print the book out at work...

1150 after healthy lunch with parents - chicken, bread, butter, salad with light dressing

2 oranges 150, a thin mint and another Girl Scout cookie 100 total 

Dinner small avocado 300, wrap 100, turkey bacon 150, red pepper 50.  plum 50 600

2050

walked with parents around 1-1.5 hours wasn't easy like it used to be - i need to start moving around more, but in increments so i dont injure myself.  my cardio is really poor right now, finding it truly hard to improve with my schedule, work.

parents told me they don't want me to stop therapy and dad begged me to continue ...I am upset I must continue as my dad told me he would be extremely upset like that it would hurt him for me to stop. So against my will I am continuing therapy =  SUCKS and I don't want to at all which is the worst part.

also with now taking a class where I only have the book online until I print it tomorrow =  I am not looking at the material tonight. Maybe I'll look over my notes though from this past Saturday. i guess ill stop reading my fun library books until class is over...theres no time to do both - at least during the week..

i have a lot of vacation days and I don't see myself going on any vacation so I'll take them little by little to balance out this darn class and stress of going to this therapist - now I have to find a place closer to my apt since I cannot continue a ridiculous commute during the week to go to one...

I thought I would have not a therapist and class to take at the same time=  once again annoyed 

---------
I should go to supermarket later for iced coffee, yogurts, kombucha, eggs, peppers, 

I will cook cabbage even if it's  overnight for this week...will do yes :) a butter and seasonings recipe in slow cooker with an onion or maybe I'll leave the onion out . Or just half an onion :) less is more is my opinion with onions 

plan - see parents for lunch and walk

go directly to supermarket (fairway by me) after to pick up some things for the week 

home to clean gp cage / lift weights (skipped a day this week - will do today not tomorrow..) 

read book digital copy for class - will read some on my laptop...

cook cabbage overnight

Progress as of today: -3 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/17/2020:
Looks like good plans.....I guess therapy is meant to deal with some hard things.....hopefully it will be easier when the difficult part is dealt with. Your parents love you and want you to feel better too.....I respect your choice to continue...with their encouragement. They do want the best for you!!!!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2020:
they want the best, but at this time i am not reaping any therapy productivity...see below on my comments to donkey. i'm really not happy to continue.


Donkey on 02/18/2020:
Ok, so since therapy isn't optional (I completely understand), I would recommend that you find a better therapist to work with. If I were in your situation, and I admit, I don't have all the information, I could totally see myself going through the motions of therapy without actually working it.

I'm wondering if you find this new therapist to be aversive because she's hitting close to home. Just thinking aloud, but sometimes we don't like when we're confronted with facing things we'd rather not deal with. Not saying this is your situation, but just an observation from my own struggles.

On the other hand, if you truly feel you've healed and reconciled whatever you're working on, then maybe just go through the therapy to get it done. I don't know. You have your thoughts on it. You have your dad's perspective. Is there another third party you could ask for their insight? Do you need the therapy?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/18/2020:
both my friend coworker and parents want me to go...

this therapist right now for these two sessions (2 weeks) doesn't pick up easy on any cues like i'll be talking loads and she'll ask me a question about myself that is slightly related to what i'm saying but not advice or anything or anything to add to what i'm talking about...just a general question:

example: i was talking how i can be all or nothing with food and my approach and what i eat. that i can binge sometimes and found ways to be satisfied by having a "volume approach" to it...

...therapist followed up with "DId you ever do drugs?"

i talk for long periods, but therapist just listens rather than add anything...

other therapist even in the first session was able to guide me, when i needed it, when i wasn't able to drive, she helped me.

i'm not necessarily looking for any more guidance anyways...

but this therapist doens't have as much strength in listening and following thru quickly and with insight on what she hears. old therapist (who was only working 2 years and had a PHD - i don't think this therapist has a PHD) old therapist was MUCH quicker to assess the client (Me) and could tell - she had MUCH MORE instinct as well as commentary. this one leaves me hanging / talking - less insights from this new therapist. 1st therapist was only around 30 years old and driven, this therapist is like 40yrs old and more complacent, though smart, not as forward & direct as old therapist that i had originally for 2 months / like 8 sessions.



Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Feb 16, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 113.0

8:30am  Oatmeal 170 with homemade whipped cream 250 with some add-Ins (powdered pb and vanilla, sweetener) and iced coffee 50

10am -10:30amchocolate 50, rice cake with pb 130, kombucha 50

12:30 chicken (drumstick) wrap 200, 110, mustard, indian sauteed veggies 100 - 400, strawberries 50

2-3pm - apple and tastes of my baking 100-150

4pm meal wrap and turkey bacon 200, egg egg white 100. 300, 1 banana cookie 150

Apple cake  250

2050. 

Hour walk and pushups - will do rest of weights tomorrow morning and just relax tonight and early to bed :-) 

Progress as of today: -3 lbs lost so far, only 1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/16/2020:
Love that powdered PB

Horn_of_plenty on 02/16/2020:
i didnt add enough to taste it enough!! :(

Horn_of_plenty on 02/16/2020:
or maybe it's just too old...lol...forgot about it on top of my fridge for A LONG WHILE.



Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Feb 15, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

 am fast leg work before class 
Kombucha 60, coffee 60

chocolate 130

11am granola bar 100

shrimp tempura roll 600

3:30pm meal 2 plums and a drink, 100, indian palak and cheese 200? in a wrap 100. pop chips 150..550, and popcorn 100 (hungry and emotional I guess ) gummies 150

6pm wrap and pb 250, jackfruit 100, chocolate 50

2150, good. Very tired second half the day felt exhausted , very emotional eating today. 

taking an intro to proj management class 9-2pm

ricky never texted or called - very immature to punish me because of something bothering him. I have gained a lot of knowledge from him and he's helped me but this is why he's not my boyfriend. One day I hope to have another relationship with someone else where there is more of an agreement / shared interest in things rather than such separate hobbies like ricky and I.   ricky and I have few common interests and we also have slightly different views of the relationship not always on the same page. He disappoints me time to time and I feel he can be more mature. Also the smoking factor. Yes a friend, still a friend in my heart, but I cannot help him to be someone I want and he is not. Nothing will change. I just hope for someone else one day to satisfy what I am dearly missing with r who is a friend not a lover.

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/15/2020:
I sincerely hope you find that someone.....partnerships are a two way street....with both giving 100%......And while having the same interests is nice...D and I prefer having different interests aside from some that are the same.....we drive each other nuts sometimes when we spend too much time together...we both need our space at times. We are heading for our 54th anniversary later in this coming summer and while we were so super young ( 16 and 17 when we got married)....we still have similar personalities that we went into this marriage with...in a lot of ways we have both matured of course...but we both still maintain our innate personalities. Mutual respect for each other being our driving force....we come to agreements, voice our opinions, accept each other as we are and maintain respect for the relationship.....not to say it has always been perfect...far from it....but we both have a deep respect for each other and I think that is why it's lasted and grown.....but I will say...if I have a gripe...I voice it ( if nothing more than to give him a clue...LOL)..otherwise...he may never know that I was bothered by something.....and as far as valentines day goes......we don't play the who's first game...who ever voices their "Happy Valentines Day" first...they other just returns the words....( we no longer give each other gifts for any occasion and instead just wish each other greetings on holidays....( we just buy what we want when we want it)and we like it that way.....but...if Ricky can be a friend when you want one...then so be it......but having expectations of him may not work without a more serious relationship......I hope you find a guy that fits your relationship needs better.

horn_of_plenty on 02/15/2020:
I appreciate your feedback. R wasn’t happy with me earlier in the week and he held a grudge. He does the two wrongs make a right mentality. I decided not to contact him at all as I refuse to fight or even teach him a lesson he won’t learn. He knows how to take his bad mood out on others. We are friends but usually wish each other a happy valentines. I figure he should act like a man and reach out and forget about what he’s angry about but he held a grudge anyways and it’s a quality I don’t like about him. Anyways I appreciate everything you wrote and I do also appreciate self and space time in a relationship. I do hope for more experience with someOne else one day :(


Donkey on 02/15/2020:
Thank you for your feedback on my thoughts about therapy. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that way.

I hope you had a good class. Are you working towards managing projects? (Someday)

horn_of_plenty on 02/15/2020:
I’m taking it just to challenge myself. I work assisting a project manager now but don’t believe I have the ability at all to manage electrical projects at all! Just doing it as a challenge. I do admit to stress eating after the class and having a very unproductive afternoon after the class.

Yes that’s why I don’t want therapy at this time. I don’t want to talk right now anyways. And the new person I am going to is horrible I can tell right away after two sessions. But it’s a chore to go and I don’t see anything good other than driving practice.


Donkey on 02/16/2020:
I get the emotional eating afterwards. I guess I'd ask myself, What's that all about? It's certainly understandable. (((hugs)))

horn_of_plenty on 02/16/2020:
Just a very bad habit of mine from days at college and afterwards...lifelong bad habits. To cover up uncomfortable feelings or when I try something new with sedating myself afterwards with food.



Horn_of_plenty - Friday Feb 14, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

Happy Valentine's Day!

no kombucha - already bloated and also was rushing so fast...

breakfast: yogurt 150, coffee 50, cookie 150..350..

snacks: almonds 100, chocolate from coworker 110 SO GOOD.

lunch: lefotvers , indian spinach palak piece of cheese 200, tomato, tofu 100, cabbage, cheddar goldfish crackers 150...450

snack: fruit? 100 in two small persimmons , chocolate 50

dinner 2 chicken thighs 400, indian mixed veggies/potato 350?, tastes of spinach, 50, whole wheat wrap 100.900-950, kombucha 50

2100-2150 good. was hungry and indulged in takeout for dinner. and no, ricky never called or texted me today. 

 

maybe get haircut quickly tonight...yes!!!

leg exercises tonight..

_______________________________________

On another note - the other Night - Wednesday night when i had to commute from NYC work to Queens where i parked Car to Long Island where i had therapy appt, also to visit parent for an hour before the appt since it was at almost 8pm, then back home to Queens where i got there around 9pm...

ricky was mad i didn't wait for him or text him much as i was thinking purely about the commute. he thinks i was being "mean" and not responding or paying him attention ----- WELL, YES! that's right...i had a commute that was more important.

i haven't received a HAPPY VALENTINE'S day wish for him....and if that's what's going to be the case, I WILL CERTAINLY NOT go with him to Vegas to use my extra vacation days that expire end of MARCH. 

i don't find it becoming of a MAN to be so needy of my attention. and i will NOT be the one to first wish him a happy valentines. sorry,but that effort needs to be put forth FIRST by the man. I will NOT KISS UP TO A MAN, i will NOT CHASE or put in more effort on this holiday than a MAN....

so, sorry to say, i won't travel with him to vegas if he cannot grow balls and act like a MAN instead of a CHILD...i hope he turns this around today!

sorry, but he cannot expect me to give him all the attention all the time. if he cannot understand my commitment on Wednesday and lack of wanting to drive any extra (not even wanting to take 15min to drive him home before my appt, no!) or see him after work as i wanted to just get to my parents and continue on with my own hectic schedule...if he cannot understand that i couldn't put him first this past Wednesday night...

well, if he cannot understand that, then i DEFINITELY cannot understand being with him and trusting him on a short Vegas trip. 

I cannot and will not reward him for acting like a 2-year old and not considering me and my schedule. so, if he doesn't look past his own neediness, he's in for a dissapointment and i will possibly go somewhere with someone ELSE! i'm not traveling with a baby.

moreover, we were supposed to do most of the planing of the trip on this coming weekend -  starting soon!...and well, i'm not contacting him to make plans. if he cannot grow balls and call / contact me - no apologies are further necessary from me to him in my point of view  i don't owe him any apologies.

so if he can't get off his high horse and move on, well, we won't be going away together next month then. i don't need a baby of a man and he does this time to time...annoying baby he can be.

 

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

legcramps on 02/14/2020:
Happy Valentine's Day! How did your day go on Wednesday? What's up for the weekend?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/14/2020:
appt was fine, i hope to end therapy very soon. this new therapist is very bad and i don't like her. i don't want another one either. it's not the kind of weekly appointment that i enjoy in the least, i don't like the timing, the having to talk to anyone as i am sick of it. i feel i do not want or need any more therapy right now as it's stressful and not in any pleasurable way at all. i don't feel it's helping me right now and am so unconcerned with going to anyone right now at all :) i'm not mad, i just want to end it.

next, R was mad i was just concerned with myself on Wednesday and was annoyed i wasn't looking to contact him/text him back right away, or deal with him on Wednesday. He has actually not wished me a Happy Valentine's DAy. I find his behavior at times to be especially immature for a 59 year old. It's sad, we were supposed to plan a trip to vegas this weekend...but his sometimes volatile behavior always reminds me how i really do not care for when he acts like a baby. i cannot kiss up to him - stoop to his level. i cannot be FIRST to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day. I'm a WOMAN. I will not stoop or chase the man or kiss up to him if i didn't do anything particularly worth apologizing for - he knows my schedule and that's all there is to it!. i Do NOT want him like that - we are good friends - we aren't lovers (perhaps in the past we were). and one of the reasons i don't have the time to find someone else is that i do enjoy the time i spend with him. every time he acts this way, i'm reminded why he's not my boyfriend. but as good friends, he should be wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and not acting like a sore loser immature kid.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/14/2020:
we were supposed to hang out this long weekend, and now i'm forced to try to make other plans and not just save my whole weekend and be forced to contact him first to make plans with him on the weekend. he should be trying to act as a gentleman - something he forgets time to time especailly when i feel it matters.

as a good friend of him now, at 37 years old myself, i do hope in my future i will have the opportunity to find another real gentleman one day to spend time with. Ricky will not live forever and i will be left alone one day. I hope there is someone out there that i can love one day.


innerpeace on 02/14/2020:
Happy Valentine's Day Girlie - One of my good friend's in OK went through a thing with her husband. He started running and joined a running club and he made friends with other people (including women) in this club. They ran, nothing more. However, the running friends turned into friends outside of the club. This is when my friend started fielding left out and disrespected. So she tied on some running shoes and joined the club herself. I asked her - why did you do this? She replied sometimes you have to do what they want to do to. So I took that advice to heart. All the times I walk around at a car show (I loathe it) I just remember that DH goes to crafts and garage sales and does all the things I want him to do so yes...sometimes I have to do want he wants to do.

I would have to tell him - HEY I have to take care of myself before I can take care of your needs, so until I do that, then you will be on your own. I would hate to think he is that clingy and gets mad that you can't text him back, that does seem childish. I hope he comes around and realizes you aren't his beck and call girl....and you can go on your Las Vegas trip. I hope you have a great evening nevertheless.

Horn_of_plenty on 02/15/2020:
i wish he didn't think it's ok to communicate his feelings with anger that affects me...

i appreciate your story.

i do think it's good to have separate hobbies and join each other on different things that each of us likes, but, i am not sure he understands that..


Donkey on 02/14/2020:
The very thought of having to start all over with a new therapist, going through all the crap in the past, is exactly what keeps me away. Besides, I can talk and talk all I want, but it's not going to change what's happened.

Horn_of_plenty on 02/15/2020:
very much the reason i don't want any more therapy.


Donkey on 02/14/2020:
Probably not a good idea to make travel plans with someone you're not getting along with at the moment.

Horn_of_plenty on 02/15/2020:
lol yup, i don't see myself making any plans with him this weekend. haven't heard from him and making plans to see my family instead this weekend



Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Feb 13, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

Morning: quickly did pushups, despite it feeling like i didn't have time :) glad they are done. Tonight is upper body, plus i want to walk a little bit of the commute, as long as weather is ok.

kombucha 60

breakfast: homemade banana wheat&oat cookie 150, yogurt 150, coffee 50., later tea

snack: tbd, might just be chocolate 100

lunch: indian food! :chips, tofu, Indian food. 

snack: almonds

dinner hmmm...thinking a bagel 260, butter 100, egg/egg white 100, ice cream pint of halo top 350. 800

2050. good

a nice walk home part of way tonight, excellent walking and weather was nice no breeze and in low 40s. I was dressed warm and comfortable on my walk !!!!

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!


Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Feb 12, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

home: nothing, R told me his car wouldn't start (OLD CAR that he constantly fixes)....so i rushed to get ready so i could drive my car to the train since today has the best parking & then i can come straight to my car later and drive to the therapy appointmenton Long Island tonight. As much as it's a good challenge for midweek, i'm def in the works to change the place i'm going to - to a MUCH closer place. Just getting the documents they require and getting it set up this month or so.  It's taking longer than i'd like, but it's not like I need to rush on it. So, i'm just going along with the procedures, filling out request forms, waiting for documents to be mailed to me first - then i have to bring them to the new place. Lots of leg work here in order to change therapy providers...

Will do Sit Ups tonight, rushed out of the house this AM.  Also therapy this PM. Lots of driving, home around 9pm.

Breakfast: homemade banana/whole wheat/oatmeal cookie 150, yogurt 150, coffee 50. 350 total.

snacks: chocolate 70, almonds? 100

lunch: vegan sweet potato/cauliflower and cheese dish 350, a tomato 50, plum or persimmons 50, bread 100

snack: tbd chocolate 50

late evening dinner: starbucks egg bites? 250 and a decaf coffee i think 300

snacks: fiber one bar, gummies. 300 tops

1850 tops, got in my ab work right before bed.

Leaving work early by 20 min because i got here today early @ 8:10, not 8:30am. but i can't say i was totally productive until 9:30am...doing other things online amongst just waking up...sorta. 

I'll be out of work by 4:45pm today...

 

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!


Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Feb 11, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

 kombucha 60

breakfast: hm (homemade) carrot cake cookie 150, lemon and cream yogurt chobani very very good has lemon pulp! 150, coffee 50...reaching for a sweet breakfast this week. i kinda am liking this....just prefer more volume to the meal, like a double coffee or something...gotta learn to have these smaller portions lol.

snack: tbd - almonds 100

lunch: leftover indian okra amazing with my cabbage 300, maybe a tomato 50, tofu 100, maybe a plum 50...500

snack: not sure if i need one, maybe a small persimmon i bought from fruit stand 50

dinner: tbd - maybe the cauliflower cheese frozen meal?...but not sure.egg and avo on wrap 400, ice cream 200

1600

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 02/11/2020:
Never had a persimmon...are they sour?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/12/2020:
no, they are sweet. they must be eaten when they are VERY soft and almost look spoiled, otherwise they aren't ripe or sweet enough! :) we have lots of persimmons in the markets by me. they usually look quite ugly on the outside skin, but as long as they are ripe and soft, they taste great on the inside.


Duaa123. on 02/11/2020:
Nice dear

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/12/2020:
THANK YOU, Duaa :)



Horn_of_plenty - Monday Feb 10, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

Arrived at work a little early so that i can leave a little early for dentist appointment tonight. i almost forgot that i'd have to leave work early today until the last minute last night, glad i realized & got myself to work a little earlier today...I may leave even earlier than i should, just so i'm not late to this appointment. should be OK. i can always stay late a little tomorrow or come early again tomorrow.

breakfast: my own banana oatmeal cookie 150, coffee 50, yogurt 150. (no kombucha bc i was rushing and really it's good i take a morning off from it) 350...

11am snack: tbd almonds 100

1pm lunch: leftover cabbage with Jamaican eggplant/potato mix 300?, tofu/cabbage 100...chips 250 jalepeno flavor so spicy! 650

2pm from coworker Popcorn 50, black coffee 

4pm plum 50

snack: need to buy some fruits at lunch...and get money at lunch...done!

dinner: tbd? maybe a microwavable meal...i have a cheesy cauliflower meal that i bought over the weekend..leftover sauteed onion & pumpkin 50, okra 150 in wrap/egg white 150...350, ice cream 200

1850..

Tonight exercise: maybe YES to leg exercises :)...and that's enough. also maybe a mile walk if it's not raining during commute.   forgot i have the dentist...but did walk a little (10 min) and also 15min at lunch...we're good. since i was early to the dentist.

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!

legcramps on 02/11/2020:
Great job getting in those leg exercises! It's tough to fit it all in when you know it's going to be a busy day. I actually can't imagine what your commute to work every day looks like. I absolutely hate having to drive to the gym to work - it's 25 minutes each way. But from my house to where I work full time (desk job) it's only like 6 minutes LOL!

I suppose if there was public transportation it might be better, since I wouldn't have to concentrate so much on the drive. But then you have to worry about timing it out so that you arrive on time, etc.

Hope the visit to the dentist went well!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 02/12/2020:
The hygenist cleaning my teeth said that i don't brush well enough and to get a water pick!

also, the commute is a bit draining but does take more energy than driving. if i ever start driving again for a commute and when i know i'll be driving for a long time, i'd rejoin a gym.



Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Feb 09, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

9am breakfast onyxorgum cereal  with almond milk 300, tiny banana & my chocolate whipped cream 200 (not buying store bought anymore) ..500., 3pb white chocolates 150.

fell back asleep between 9:30-11:30am...

snack kombucha 60..

1:30 lunch black bean chips 250, lox and butter 200, on wrap 150

2:30 gummies 100- just chilling today.. (sugar free and with the CBT or whatever oil - not very good gummies they are too hard so will not buy again)

4:30 gummies 100

5pm snacking turned into dinner:  jamaican food spiced pumpkin & onions 150, wrap & egg whites 150, quitea bit of okra bartha 200? 500-550...at least we have healthy things here ;), later at night tastes of my cookies i just baked 50

2100.

afternoon first: abs and pushups, later will be some arm work...easy, relaxed day. mostly on couch. will probably bake cookies later.

just not doing much today. tried to read, mostly searched the web.

laundry is being done in the late afternoon, so i'm not rushing at the end of the night to do it.

I could use more fruit / veggies but i'm not going out to get them today, unless i get bored tonight & i'll drive then. otherwise, i'll pick them up after i get off the bus tomorrow at a local place.

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!


Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Feb 08, 2020
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 112.0

 Kombucha 100

10am breakfast wrap 150, cream cheese 100, lox 150, big coffee 50, chips 150

Noon pb 100, 1pm cookies breakfast crackers 250 during walk, chocolate 50

2pm small banana 100

5pm early meal picture something like mushrooms in a creamy vodka sauce 
  And I had quite a bit of sauce 200?, tastes of pumpkin a bit Spicy 50, tastes of okra (they burned it a little bit !) 50, bean chips 250.600-650 eggplant tastes 50, strawberries 100

2000.

walked two miles maybe a little more at park and then stopped bc I was already hurting from being out of shape with my cardio.

Progress as of today: -2 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!


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