- Tuesday Feb 03, 2015
No catastrophe happened today at work bc of my behavior last week. it all went fine - i spoke with my superior about decreasing the overtime & it went fine. i saw the VP that i told i was looking to be in the NYPD and as he passed by my desk he said hi...i said hi back...and that was it. he was pretty much busy in meetings anyways and my best friend advised that i don't continue it with him...or bring it up again (with the VP) - even if it's to say that i fixed my own problem. so, i didn't bring it up to him again today. you can tell he did remember though - by his facial expression and attitude. i could tell as he saw me that it registered right away what i said to him Friday. but, so far so good. he may decide to bring it up to someone - and if he does - so be it....i'll tackle that hurdle when it comes.
everyone was so busy today, it was easy to not have to run into Russ the VP or speak with him again...which is good...my friend told me NOT to bring it up to him again. NOT to remind him. i am glad she texted me and told me - bc i was about to tell him that i took care of what was upsetting me myself...glad she told me to stop.
calories thru lunch: 1500...(had pretzels)
dinner: lots of cooked cabbage around 200?, chicken 200?, some cauliflower 50?...i want some more cabbage...i may have a little more and a piece of fruit.
so total today is around 2100-2200, good.
i walked around 30 minutes at lunch. legs are hurting so very minimally and it's only when i remember...i am READING the books that biscottibody suggested and so far it is BEYOND INTRIGUING....i can definitely relate....and more than just a little....so i am enjoying the book....and i am actually highlighting in it....i like it that much. the author John Sarno is so fluid with his writing that there are so many points that he makes so well....that i am highlighting quite a bit :) I am highlighting bc i plan to look back at these books when i am done - and review them again in the future.
Good Morning :)
Feeling ok today. Woke up ample times during the night, but overall, i feel relaxed and ready to start the day.
Breakfast: oatmeal with pumpkin, cinnamon & stevia, almond milk: 250 or so. nut butter 200. 450 total. can't even finish it - will eat the remainder at work.
snack: full fat greek yogurt 200.
lunch: soup broth 100, some salmon 200?, chicken 150?, cauliflower 50?, avocado 100: 600 or so, good.
1250 (and prob coffee at work - so 1300)
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
- Monday Feb 02, 2015
I was actually writing a new entry just now & it got deleted. so rather than write it again, i'm just gonna say that tomorrow i'll be going into work early to speak with my immediate boss. I don't think my job is in jeopardy, i'm trying to be positive about the whole situation. I'm no longer angry and glad I had today off despite the crazy weather bc I had a chance to really think about everything and finally put it into perspective.
in order to achieve the nypd goal, things need to change. not remain the same. i'll be talking to my boss about making my hours normal and that's the end of it. if they can't be arranged, i'll have to change where i'm working - same company...but different dept or something to that effect.
that's it. done. even if I don't want to talk to my immediate boss about these things (change of hours, etc.), it's what I plan to do tomorrow morning. because if I don't make these changes for myself, nobody else will either, and I will in no shape or form ever reach that nypd goal. so, i'm going to do what I have to - for myself. nobody can help me but me....right??
i'm being positive purposely and because it's the only way I can be. i'm going to focus even harder on my life and what I want from it. I needed Friday to realize this. I know I still have my job. i do...
i'm going to tell my superior basically this - that i am young, i have a long life to live, my health is very important to me, especially the progress of my legs. that i was having a backslide the past couple weeks and was holding it in....and that i can't afford this to continue to happen. that i need to be able to care for my body after work and the only way is if he would please help me out and be understanding that i need to do certain things after work and can no longer work long hours. that once in awhile it's ok, but not every week. that set hours, like most of the staff, is what i need in order to care for my own wellbeing.
not sure on my calories for today - probably around 1700. perfect.
According to the scale at the gyno, i weigh 126. Not really too sure about that accuracy, but i'll take that low number. And since i love that number so much, i'll list it here :)
Skipped breakfast bc i was running extremely late for my appt at 8:30am and the weather was very snowy / slushy / wet / poor driving conditions. I am looking at the window now, around noon, and finally it looks like the weather might be clearing up! Before my appt, I just had some broth with some added in turmeric and salt. around 100 cal.
Had a nice, filling lunch once at home: 1/2 avocado around 150, egg whites 60, egg 100, some leftover chicken sausage not more than 100, a low carb wrap 100, some kombucha 30. around 550, good...
650 cal so far today, i am aiming to keep today around 1500-1900 cals.
I finally cooked up some cauliflower for later. i must learn to prepare more meet / protein at home but it's just not a priority. i was getting into it 3-4 years ago while still living home with my parents but opted for convenience in buying meats / fish from stores around here since there are so many place to go for it. However, i'd save a lot of money the other way - and of course i like preparing my own food. it's just a matter of time where i start to do more of that...
I had to throw away the collard greens that were in my fridge. i was meaning to cook them, but since they've been sitting there for 2-3 weeks, they spoiled. it's nice to be home an extra day - makes you want to do all those things you usually don't have the motivation to do when you are busier....I don't have a lot of vacation days. In total, I have 12 (2 days extra instead of 10 days for the Jewish holidays bc my company is generous!) days this year. and 5 sick days. So, this is not an extra day or time off, it's part of what i'm entitled to.
Thinking about tomorrow makes me nervous, how it will be at work. i am going to try to just act normal and calm and hopefully everyone else will also be that way...hopefully all of my unprofessional behavior doesn't screw me over completely. i honestly don't think it will.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
- Sunday Feb 01, 2015
prob around 2300-2400 today - good!
I did something on Friday which was highly stupid and ignorant - it could get me fired....I should write it here and maybe you guys could give me your opinions on it:
Have you ever been so exhausted / frustrated that you ended up saying something at work that could get you fired?
....of course I did...
Wednesday night I worked till 7pm. 8am-7pm which is too much for me, especially when I don't realize that I am going to be working that much ahead of time (no advance notice)
My main superior - my boss that I do most of my work for - had a problem with the way I did something and give me quite a lot of extra grief about it in the manner he spoke to me - letting me know he was frustrated with me.
I thought about that Wednesday night situation and it just got me so angry. Because I realized that I am getting very off track with the cop / nypd thing and that work has started to get progressively worse again with the hours. This leads to stress and that doesn't help me physically get to where I want to be. The goal was to leave the job healthy for the NYPD, not any other way - and now it seams I may actually be getting full out stuck.
Despite late hours Wednesday night, I work up early at 4am to get ready to go to the gym / and then straight to work for the day. Turns out I forgot a cardigan sweater at home, so after the gym I actually did have to drive back to my apt before going to work - so it already was a very busy morning...
I couldn't get myself into a good mood Thursday no matter how hard I tried. I just kept thinking how most of my coworkers don't have my hours (except for one - out of like 15 folks). I can't do it and go to the gym and get ready for the NYPD. I will fail if I have to continue on with long hours. It just doesn't work out, as I have experienced.
I have nobody to share this with - except for you guys and my best friend Christine and maybe one or two other folks. My dad has been in the electrical industry - local 3 union for NYC - for around 40 years. It is his life. He helped me get my job - basically got it for me when I didn't have one - 4 years ago. He doesn't understand my frustrations - and if I tell him - he will argue that people have it worse. My mom is even worse....she will simply ask me if I got paid for the overtime - and say, well, you gotta pay your bills, right!? you gotta be thankful that's what my mom says. She will argue with me if I say anything further, telling me that I am young and should have no problems working extra hours. especially bc I have no other family obligations.
It turns out it is a problem for me to work extra hours. I have been holding my feelings inside from my boss and everyone at work. Trying to carry out the orders I am given - to work these hours. but it came to a bitter head on Thursday and Friday. I was in one of the worst moods I have ever been in at work. and still, today Sunday, I can't manage to relax. It has to do with a full out lack of sleep - of which my dad can function on as he typically gets up at 4am to go to the gym before work....but I need to go to bed early in order to do this...basically I am not my dad and I am not a superhuman...and I am not able to do more than most people. I'm an average person - and just like my coworkers whom enjoy the benefits of leaving on time - that would help me out too, GREATLY.
This is what happened that could get my fired:
I was very rude to my immediate boss (who I have not to this day ever mentioned the NYPD to - bc I can't), the one that had a problem with me Wednesday night...and was rude to him in front of a manager (who has been there just over a year) (I have been at the job 4 years). I said something to the effect of "well, I only took a 10 minute lunch, so it makes sense that I would leave at 4:30pm today!!) but with an angry, snappy tone. and the previous day, Thursday, in another snappy tone, I said "I need to leave...I need to leave now!" at 5pm (my time to leave if I was to work a simple 8am-5pm day which doesn't always happen - my first couple years hardly ever happening).
But worse, the cream of the crop....
My office is huge, maybe 200 people. Lots of administration - "managers" and "vice presidents." There is a very young Vice President - of my estimating department. He's actually a year younger than me. Very smart, good looking, nice life, level headed, married to a pretty wife, an adorable 6 month baby...
He doesn't work much overtime, doesn't have my hours, isn't always in the office, has many meetings, is not under constant supervision. Because he is a boss. Of course I am not on his level. My position is basically a administrative assistant with a little more knowledge and skill in the estimating programs and ability to a little more involved work. but that's it. this guy is going far, already probably making close or over 6 figures. like I said, different level...
he is in perfect shape. is on lots of sports teams. somehow he can fit it into his schedule during the week. I can't with my longer hours at times. like I said, he's not always in the office, so I don't know his routine, but I do know that he would never last sitting at a desk like I do - but of course this is all besides the point...
I ran into him at the copier, and he asked me "hows it going." I answered him rather rudely Friday and pretty brusquely too...saying, "i'm fine" or something like that and just didn't say anything else....so we were standing in silence while the copying machine was going and everyone was working...then he did say "we are all very busy" and that was it. all I could think was, "he doesn't know at all how I feel about being busy...at work...extra hours that I hate"
...and then I overheard some vendors from another company that came to visit at my work speaking to him...it was just a lighthearted conversation. they said "you are in such great shape, what sport to you play..." and he listed like 3 sports off to them. and I said to myself "why can't I have more of this in my life...why should I have such stress while others are basking in life's glory?!....why I am letting myself get the short end of the stick per se at work....why am I actually doing these extra hours when all it's doing is stressing me out...."
I am so grateful to have a job to be able to pay my bills.
But I am a person that does like a schedule and routine and that's the one thing that's stressing me out.
...turns out that guy I told you about - the Vice President of Estimating - the one who is so level headed, very smart, and successful, was just about leaving for the day. Around 5pm. I think he may have been actually saying goodbye to me? I forget. But I saw him enter the stairwell / corridor and I spoke up...I said, "Russ, can I speak with you....do you really want to know how I am feeling...and I told him I was frustrated. I told him I would have been in the NYPD this past summer if everything worked out right...that now after two years I am finally getting back into it ....wanting to start preparing for it again...and of course he misunderstood at first...thinking i'd want to leave in 6 months...to which I said "no, no, didn't you hear me - the NYPD is no longer a guarantee...and if I can get in...it would be a year or a year and a half"...I still do not know what he heard and what he got out of it. I mentioned that I have to get up at 4am to go to the gym because I never know "how long is Jackie is gonna work till every night?" He doesn't have that problem - he always knows his schedule.
Yes, it's too much in my head....
Yes, I have spent too much time thinking about Russ, myself, and my dreams of the NYPD.
I had little sleep from Wednesday night on and I let all of my worries and thoughts rise to the surface. And at 5pm Friday, above is what I decided to say to a Vice President in my company. He knows my dad, he asked "what does your father think of your desire to join the NYPD" I said my dad didn't really like the idea - that he didn't feel it was safe. But that this is my life & I need to be able to support myself. I also mentioned my father would be pissed if he knew I had brought this up at work....and I also asked Russ not to tell the owner of the company everything I had just told him. (Russ owes his own life to the owner of the company - who gave him a $30G wedding gift....I shouldn't know this, but I do.)
People get easily fired this way. I could have been fired on the spot for what I said to Russ.
....I did wrong.
If my dad ever found out about me speaking to Russ pretty much saying in effect that I want to leave, my dad would never forgive me...chances are he could find out, because I have just about done every possible thing to cause myself and my dad problems with my job and in the industry.
there are no excuses for my actions.
But the reason I said those things to Russ is simple. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Holding in the pain and upset feelings that I have all the time - is stressing too.
....but yes, work should be a game, and I didn't play it very well the past couple days. I failed at it.
I actually have Monday off, a planned vacation day, with two important doctor appointments (lol - the gynecologist that I haven't been to in 3 years...so i'd say it's important I go!...and dermatologist...which is less important but hard to fit in so I needed this day off in order to do both...)
I don't know what will happen Monday. I don't know if my actions Thursday and Friday and my talk with Russ at the end of the day Friday will horribly impact my future at this company. For some reason, I don't think it will. I am probably being ignorant, but also I just think I have put up with a lot of crap these 4 years and hopefully, if I have any luck, I will continue with the same...
Tuesday i'll be back at work....and I guess I just need have a talk with Sam (my immediate boss who loves to have me work long hours with him - he's a workaholic) and I need to tell Sam that my legs are beginning to bother me again and it's something very important to me - that the longer hours are affecting the progress of my legs. and ask him that I have more set hours. that on occasion I can work a longer day, but generally I need set hours.
Do you have any advice on everything I've mentioned above? Other than that I am "officially crazy." I know I did majorly wrong. Didn't act professional in the least. ...and I really haven't thought about the fact that I could lose my job & have to move in with my parents again....
Russ just said "wow, well that changes things...I need to digest everything you just told me..." he said a few other things too...like understanding how I want to live my life...and that he has played sports with people who haven't gotten shin splints and they have been fine...so I should have no problem...
Do you have any advice on my situations?
If I had a family / kids lol if I were a different person - this wouldn't have happened. i'd be distracted enough to not have ongoing and steady thoughts about how angry / upset I was over my work situation...
I am asking you because like I said, there's nobody else to go to.
I may talk about it tonight with a friend who is a sociology professor - it would be good to get his advice too while i'm at a superbowl party...
but I have to keep most of these feelings generally from my family and generally from the person I deal with most at work. and well, since things just didn't seem to be going right for me as of late, these past 3 weeks with increased work hours, etc., I just let it all out....
Yesterday I did struggle to stay happy. and after my 2.5-3mi walk (I forget how long it was - if I took the short way on the second lap or the long lol...), my body was very cold and my legs bothered me. it could be in my head...but i'm taking it very easy today. no exercise. rest day completely. I only had to do minimal laundry.
later tonight i'm headed to a superbowl party. I probably won't stay too late as even though I have off from work tomorrow, I do have a gyno dr. apt at 8:30am...(haven't been to the gyn in maybe 5-6 years so gotta go!), also a dermatologist apt too - I get the botox in my underarms because I have a tendency to sweat too much and this fixes the problem. I've been doing the botox for around 4 years. I may try to wean myself off it - and even now sweating is definitely less of a problem than it used to be - as my excessive sweating was only during times of stress (hence work is when it was a major problem). also, at parties and other functions I would also sweat profusely and it wouldn't look good and i'd want to wear mostly black to cover it up. so getting the botox helps a lot - I can wear all colors and not worry about sweating.
breakfast was Maypo Oatmeal again with almond milk, 200, canned pumpkin 50, and some nut butter around 100. total 350.
snack: almonds and a clementine. around 200.
lunch: around 650, all healthy.
snack: cliff bar after a 2.5mi walk (I don't think i'm overdoing it, but my legs are tired after the walk...)250 cal.
out to a friend's house tonight:
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
- Saturday Jan 31, 2015
weights and walking.
Happy weekend :)
breakfast 400 oatmeal, nut butter, almond milk, canned pumpkin, stevia
snack: 400 protein shake of two scoops protein, milk, 1/2 banana
lunch around 700 chicken sausage, sautéed cabbage and other veggies, some of it in a wrap, small orange, some leftover grape kombucha
- Friday Jan 30, 2015
Def still had trouble maintaining any kind of content / happy composure at work. I realize I need to "power thru" and do better, which I am going to....
on a positive note, my legs are feeling better.
I went to a water aerobics class tonight for the first time at the pool. it was so much fun! and challenging, too! :) my left leg and even right leg did have a few cramps though....and I had to stop for a few moments...when doing certain moves in the pool...I guess I need more potassium.
have a great evening all...I am so happy it's the weekend :)
thanks for being my supporters, even when my own spirit waivers off...sometimes.... but it's the weekend, so i'm happy about that.
- Thursday Jan 29, 2015
one of the worst days ever. I was in a horrible mood and fully exhausted. tomomorrow should be a hair better.
4 hours sleep. 10pm-2am....just couldn't sleep. my blood is boiling. trying desperately to relax....long work hours do not work for me, at all. need to relax. anyways, I will have a nice weights workout shortly at the gym this morning :)
my body has been so out of whack that I've had "breakthrough" bleeding between my periods for 3 months. and this last period came at least 2 weeks late, and will last about 9 days when it's finally done - probably tomorrow, today is day #8. usually it NEVER lasts longer than 7 days. and it was heavier than normal in the middle instead of at the beginning. good thing I have a gyno appointment on Monday morning. that and a dermatologist...i'd say damn good use of a vacation day...I plan to have a nice workout that day, too. and that's 'bout it.
breakfast before gym since I felt I needed something - oatmeal and almond milk and a little sea salt and stevia 200.
- Wednesday Jan 28, 2015
worked 11 hours. just enough hours so that I don't get enough sleep tonight before the gym tomorrow..
calories around 1750, good.
- Tuesday Jan 27, 2015
Monday was around 2300. Good. We got out of work early around 2pm. My usual half hr or so commute home turned into one hour but that's MUCH better than some of my coworkers. Some of them - who live very far - may have taken 3-4 hours going home. I feel bad for those guys! Probably took the majority of the people a couple hours.
My dad was working in Manhattan and it took him a full 2 hrs just to get out of the city - and I think it took him closer to 4 hrs total getting home to Long Island - usually an hour or at most hour and a half commute! Felt bad for my dad. I hate it when he has these kind of stresses added into his life bc in general he is already far more stressed and busier than the average person. He doesn't deserve more stress when he could have tried to prevent it. He could have worked in queens today....not sure why he needed to work in the Manhattan office if it's so much harder to get home in inclement weather. I wonder if he had a meeting there. Sometimes I feel in the back of my head that he likes these sort of challenges...
Bc I got to my neighborhood around 3pm and I felt roads would still be sorta manageable later on, I went to the gym. It was a fantastic workout. Usually the gym is practically a 5-10 minute drive from my apt but since it was now around 5pm when I left the gym and the roads had gotten progressively worse, it took me a half hour to drive the usual 5-10 minute route. So glad my car is in its garage and I am going to relax at home all day tomorrow! Maybe I will do laundry, prob not...
Tuesday: Woke up around 2am-4am, so took a sleeping pill around 3am so I did fall back to sleep...went to bed extremely early even before 8pm since I was exhausted. I got around 9-10 hours sleep which feels amazing! lately my body wants to sleep more - probably because i'm also just getting back into exercising....and sleep is good for you, I may use the sleeping pills more on weekends, so that I can continue to sleep well on days off...
slept in till 8, breakfast: Maypo Oatmeal with almond milk, stevia, strawberries 300, greek yogurt with nut butter 300. total 600 yum
snacking: vegan protein bar (mostly fat and carbs) and broth with added turmeric 350,
lunch: sautéed veggies and chicken 400 or so, maybe more maybe less.
1350, good...wanting something sweet after lunch...maybe an orange.
total around 2300, healthy food.
Orange, chips, and another bar - more like a dessert 500. 1850 total before dinner - was planning sorta a low cal day, but instead I enjoyed the day and ate comforting food. I do feel good. I even did some extra laundry. Not really in the mood to cook up veggies, so will probably save that for another day! Just reading and I have been abnormally sleepy most of the day - must have been the sleeping pill I took around 3am.
- Sunday Jan 25, 2015
Plan: get some new shirts at old navy since I could use a few long sleeve shirts different from the usual ones I wear week to week at work ;), some food shopping (at two different places, one in morning & one in afternoon), maybe get nails done, and maybe walk at pool for around 20 minutes. the second two activities are not a must for today. I just realized, the pool is right near old navy....
so...I might as well go to the pool afterwards...but then again, i'm not feeling it. NO POOL today.
7:30am Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and cinnamon, strawberries, nut butter: around 500.
10:00am snack: protein bar and decaf coffee with stevia around 200.
11:30am snack: Nature Valley granola bar package of the 2 bars 200 (before pool & it was a perfect snack for it...i was happy & energized there). Lately, i allow myself more carbs - especially before / after workouts and i feel better. there might be a connection here. i know in general that carbs do have that effect on people.
1:30pm Lunch: turkey burger around 100 very small, on a wrap 100, with lots of roasted cabbage 250. around 500 i'd say. excellent.
1400 so far, great. i am doing good these days. ever since adding a bit more exercise into my days, even walking, it's been easier on the diet end (aside from my 1st week or so back to exercise when i wasn't fully there...mentally...)
2250 today.2400 today is prob more like it.
YES, I DID GO TO THE POOL :) ended up starting with the breaststroke slow and also some walking / jogging in shallow end. Legs were giving me all sorts of phantom pain - less, but similar to what i used to get. close to the 20 minute mark i decided i did enough for the day and left a tad bit early purposely, rather than forcing it till 12:30 on the dot. was fun at the pool. change of pace. and it's nice we are having a bit warmer weather than usual here in NYC. S
oon enough though, we are going to have a major storm Monday night into all day Tuesday. still, it's already close to February and we haven't had any bad storms all of December & January. amazing. The Spring-like weather has also had a very positive effect on my overall mood and motivation towards full mental healing. everything has gone well for me today and the weekend felt longer than it really was because I've been able to be more active & got many more things done than i was beforehand.
- Saturday Jan 24, 2015
Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and 3 tablespoons pb: 500
snacking: two plums around 80, some light broth with turmeric 20, greek yogurt 150
750, good...was gonna get coffee and protein drink before the gym but now i'm not in the mood for those things...
planning on a great weights workout at the gym, then picking up some tasty food and probably spending the rest of the day home. tomorrow I will probably go to the mall to buy some new clothing since I have a coupon to old navy & perhaps do a little walking at the pool (but may decide to put it off - the pool). I also wanna get my nails done & do some cooking. got the laundry out of the way this morning.
around 2350-2400. good.
exercise was REALLY good. great weights workout and ran into a neighbor at the gym from my building who I haven't seen in several months. spent extra time at the gym because I was also talking to him and some other folks. lots of fun!